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THE MOKJSTtfG TIMES, SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1895.
L AND THEN HE
" Wink ilil-
; K"fJli MIC
, O' - 4! ,,A VNWg' WIM in u
. . to,
lie So you consider a dog
Ehe Yes, lndccdl Mr. Smith,
FOR THE SEff MAN.
INDEPENDENT. We think you will bo
wise If you refrain from Interfering In this
matter, een though you may do so with
the best of roothes If your sister is as
delicate as you say she is. It Is far better
for her to remain quietly at home and look
after the children and her bourekeeplng
She Is rortunate lu having a husbnnd i ho is
able to go out into tho world and earn a li -lng
for her and himself, and we regard It as
a credit to him that ho docs do so. In tho
few cases where a husband or brother Is
better fitted for the business world than
the women of the famll, he does no dis
credit to his sex when ho is the bread din
ner. Tho strong of cither sex must bear
the burdens of the weak.
GEORGE G We fear you arc rather late
In the day with regard to yourgirla. It
you desiro them to grow up pure in word
and deed, jou must begin when they are
very little, just as you probably did with
your boys. Awordorphraseorstoryabich
la too Impure or profane for the lips of your
boys is Just as evil in the girls. An oath
Is neither feminine nor masculine. Vul
garity is obnoxious In cither sex, and the
idea that boys and men must necessarily bo
more pure than their sisters, has no rea
sonable basis; and another thing, does our
wife ever talk teriouslyto her daughters on
these topics. She has duties to them, as
well as you, and you should gently remind
her that she has
ANANIAS "We sympathize with you in
your trouble, but are you sure that your
girl means to tell lies when she relates these
marvelous stories? It may be that she Is
nierelj trying to reel off a fairy tale to you,
a sort of "make believe," as one docs to
amuse children. Girls are usually truth-
"Tlddy, Is yo' seen my udder
"Yes, l'sc bathin' de chile In it.
ful and honest by nature Are you always
quite careful about the exact truth of the
words you useinherpresence? Doyounever
tell your servant to "say I am out" when
men call on you whom you don't want to
ec7 Or has your girl not been playing with
her tin soldiers In the parlor on one of your
reception da j s when you greeted Mr. Smith
with a kiss and a "Oh, I am so glad to sce
you, mv dearl" and only a little while be
fore you had said, In your daughter's hear
ing, "I can't endure that horrid Mr. Smith;
be Is always copying my new things?"
Youn children are born mimics, and they
tee more than we realize.
At one time the Presbj tcritns of Ulster
were discussing the ignorance and stupidity
of one of their number. "And what a
notion he has in his head now," exclaimed
one of thcelders in dismay.
"His hcadl" echoed one of the ministers,
"ho has no headl What you call a head
Is only a topknot that his Maker put
there to keep him from raveling out."
In the Glud Future.
"Maria," said the husband of the new
woman at the breakfast table, "the next
time you come home late from tho lodgeand
put your bloomers to bed and hang your
self over the back of a chair all night, I'll
go straight homo to papa, there!" Brook
Tho Bright Side.
Mrs. Cloon It Is Indeed truo that Goel
tempers the wind to the shorn lamb."
Olo Cloon Yep! When a man's wifo
lopes he can get a new one easier than he
can hunt up tho old one. New York
r - -.
necessary for an escort?
The Editorial Nemesis.
He is coming with a clipping and a won
drous air of news.
And lie rushes In the sanctum "Here's the
I thing you want to use
Chuck full of information best thing you' e
ever knownl" '
And his tintinnabulation makes you tilt
your chair and groan,
He Is coming, with an eager and a most ex
For the press has been too meagre in the
praise of one so rarel
"Has the 'Weekly Bugle Mentioned him?"
(Has Just dropped in to know.)
Tou sigh and wish they'd pensioned him a
hundred years agol
Here's another with a poem she's Just
dashed It off like that!
"Where's the editor?" (Just show him how
the birds sing on her hatl)
the birds sing on berhatl
Will you publish It to-morrow? (It is
sweet enough to thrill!)
And, so it goes, dear brcthrenl (Have you
been through the mill?)
The Modern Poet.
Friend Do you Tnow that I am at last
beginning to understand your poetry?
Gnat Magazine Toet Heavens! lsit then
true that I am losing my cunning? Syra
"You wouldn't do tor a cable car con
ductor," said the water pipe to the gas
"Why?" asked the gas meter.
" You register too much." Harlem Life.
USE FOR II.
lnjua rubber anywhar?"
Gib it to yo' dreekly."
The Rcnhon for It.
It took place In a little, overgrown town
In the far West.
The man from the East bad waited for
two hours and seventeen minutes for an
When 1 tarrlved at last and he bad climbed
aboard be asked the conductor, as he paid
his fare: "No accidents this rnorniug?"
"None, sir," replied the olficial.
" Running on schedule time?"
"Nothing thematter with thegenerators?"
"Not a thing."
The questioner paused for a moment.
Then he asked.
"Well, would you mind telllngmejusthow
far apart -these dashed can do run, then "
"Not at all sir," replied the man In blue,
"every sctcnte'cn miles"
"Every seventeen miles," replied the
Easterner. "How do you mean7"
"Track's seventeen miles long and this Is
the only car."
Then the man from the East was satis
Not Needed Then.
Mrs. Dovej Can you let ne rw C.
dear? I want to spend a quiet afternoon
out with Ethel"
Mr. Dovej Can't do It, darling. Money
Is awfully tight.
Mrs. Dotey (disappointedly) Then I sup
pose I'll have to put In the whole day shop
ping. New York World.
A Sujrse'sted Improvement.
The silver lining of the cloud
Would be moro use to me -If
they'd but turn the cloud around
Till I its sheen might see.
"I read in the paper of a man -whose
namo is Goodenougb."
"Yes; no doubt, his primitive ancestor
was a great poker player."
It is below stairs tn one f the uptown
clubs that tho "colored" boys indulge In
qulto a beay game of poker In tho early
ruoniing.nftcr the club members have de
parted. The members of the club ore now
laughing over a hand held by a wenzen
rnAa.i ifitio nf(m- Them wcreslx Playing.
and the little negro was having a bad run
of luck. He had been wen ravorea ciunug
tho day with "tips," but he saw his money
"peddling" away fast. Then came a Jack
pot. It was opened for a quarter. Every
body stayed, and the ono with tho weazened
phiz raised It 25 cents, and two players
dropped oat. The opener took two cards,
tho other two drew f orstiaights or flushes,
and the little fellow stood pat. A quarter
bet of the opener was seen and raised by
tho other two, who were evidently bluffing,
but tho little fellow whooped everything
ono quarter harder. Tho opener saw and
went a quarter better. Tills droto the
other two out, and he with the weazened
face sent the pot up L'D cents niguer uiau
the last bet.
rrt-n.A .ni n InnL nf fllmiTH ttlCOPCn-
cr's face, but he "whooped" his opponent
a quarter harder. There was no sign of
dropping in the little fellow's face. Instead
a quiet smile began to illumine his features
as be went a quarter better. This smile
disconcerted the other pjajer, and, after
nearly f i e minutes of meditation, he called.
"Don't know what'n jeh's got, but
l'sc bound to call yeb," and be threw his
hand face up, disclosing four aces. He
then reached for the pot, remarking:
"I only called yeb, kase I didn't want
to bre'k ych heart." ,
"Hole on dar, holo on, nlggab," said the
little chap, placing his hand oer the pot;
"don't be bo speedlferous. l'sc done got
ycr beat, dead cole beat; yah, jah, yahl"
And he laughed, showing hU Ivories.
"Whut j eh got, straight Hush?" queried
tbeother in amazement.
"Nope, but I done beat yeh, Jesses bard."
"Well, whut Is It, then?"
"I'se done got a Nero, a Nero; yah, yah,
yah!" and he laughed uproariously as he
raked in tho pot before the ejes of his
"Whut what'nell's a Nero?" gasped the
"Yeh ain't allowed to tell," was the an
swer, as the little chap pocketed the money
and left the room, after throwing his hand
In the pack.
Now, the question at that club revolves
around the query: "What is a Nero, and
what did the negro bold?" New York
Ho Hud Ono.
When they met at the street corner the
young man in the sack suit shook his head
"Poor Brown," he said.
"Ah, yes. It is too bad," replied the man
with the negligo shirt. "When did ho
"Well, he always was an unfortunate
"You knew his wife then?" inquired the
"Well, did you hear tho remarkable
feature of his death?"
"No, I hadn't heard there was any."
"Oh, it was most extraordinary."
"What was it?"
"Why, you know during his lifetime
everyone said he had no will of his
"Well, It was all wrong."
"You don't say so?"
"Oh, yes. He must have had one, for
he left it when he died, and It has Just
been probated." Chicago Times Herald.
It You Don't llreiik Down.
Oh, tollers in life's vineyard
In the country, in tho town;
Keep courage! You will get there
The future' sun is giving
All the hills a silcr crown.
Stand Eteadyl You will get there
There's a merry song of reapers
Which no stormy winds can drown;
Hae faith! You'll find the harvest
Let the billows beat the vessel
Let the skies In anger frown;
You'll anchor safe la harbor
F. L. S , In Atlanta Constitution.
The street tar was crowded, and as It
turned a corner sharply a man who was
standing In the aisle made a grab at a
strap but missed it. and involuntarily em
bracedasharp facedjouug womanstandlng
"Oh, I beg your pardon," be said.
"Sir," she exclaimed, "you are a boor."
"No, madam," rejoined the penitent of
fender, "I am not. I am a newspaper
"You are, hey?" was the contemptuous
rejoinder. "What do you do about a news
paprr office, I'd like to know."
"1 am the pressman "
Tiic sharp fated youug woman turned
redder, but she didn't say anything more.
"Everhave any trouble with your wheel?"
"Not yet," said the Sweet Young Thing.
"So far whenever I have run over any one
I have been able to get away boforo he got
up." Indianapolis Journal.
"Since your marriage to Miss Scadds have
you been living at the old manse?"
"Nope, at the old lady's, the old man Is
dead." New York World.
i " 1
Now, sailor, spread your fleecy sails,
And steer for the open sea;
There's never a boat this day afloat
As fair as tho "Bumble Bee!"
And Marjorj, fair Marjory,
Stands laughing at my side,
Her blue eyes bright for pure delight
As o er tho w a es w e glidel
To-day we bid good bye to care,
Andleave the world behind;
On such a yacht It matters not
It never a portwejflnd!
For MnrJoryTralr Marjory,
Has pledged her heart to me,
And where wego, why careto know
This glorious day at sea!
Bo, sailor, hoist the spinnaker,
And every stich of sail;
With a song we'll fly along,
And kiss aboe the rail;
For Marjory, fair Marjory,
This day was wed to me,
And so no drone ii T a chaperone
Is aboard the "Bumble Bee."
1 Farmer Grasstosscr I'll, bet you 75
cents t)fct my leghorn rooster takes the
premium over your game.
Ed., the sport- 111 go you. ,
2 Ed , the sport But 111 have to let
my game Interview the leghorn first.
8 That's enough, my boy
g3Ctffsg ., l"jgjjggg
1 T 't
4 Ed., the sport Thank you, gentlemen,
for awarding the premium to me.
Farmer Grasslosser There hez bin foul
play here, by gosh! t ,
WJtv .- (i
wM 1M4A I
Bi'.'m'i,'Ui1 ill-nib -rtjr I I ill
Wm 1 ill
SHE IS NOT A POLITICIAN.
Whatever Else the New Woman May
Be Slio Is Certainly Not That.
My only cause for telling a political
story between campaigns Is that I heard
this particular anecdote Just the other
day. Last fall a new woman set out to
proselytize. She was a very young new
woman, well satisfied with ber own politi
cal disability, but strongly determined to
make converts for the party to which she
fancied she belonged. Sbo was particu
larly Interested in a certain candidate,
running on the Democratic ticket. Her
first call was on her own godfather, a
Democratic warhorse, a man who has
worked and held office for the Democratic
party for many years.
"Godfather," began the new woman,
"I want to get some votes for a friend
of mine. He Is a perfectly lovely man
and I want you to prom'se to otetfor
Handle," replied the old man, who
naturally thought that the girl was asking
him to make an exception In favor of a
Republican, from his lifelong habit of
otlng the straight Democratic ticket,
"you know I would do almost anything
for you, but I can't go back on my party."
Maudle pleaded and pleaded, until finally
her godfather relented so far as to ask who
the fatorcd candidate might be.
" Why, Judge Blank, of course," answered.
Maudle In some surprise, though his name
hail not been mentioned upto that time.
The old man's facu was a study for a
while. Then he chuckled softly to him
self and said. "Girlie, have I to be asked
at my time of life to support a nominee
of my own party? Don't you know that
Judge Bkink is a Democrat and I am a
But Maudle had burst Into tears. "I
think you arc a mean, horrid, old man not
to"hai.e told me that when I began to
talk? How was I to know to what nasty
old party you belonged? I think politics
are Just awful!"
And the promising political career of
one new woman ended right there. Buf
No Friends of l'eary.
There arc at least two residents of Phila
delphia who arc thoroughly disgusted with
Lieut. Peary and who consider blm a
double distilled and unadulterated chump
They a re the two Polar bears out at the Zoo,
and just at prevent they ba e no use for the
doughty lieutenant who has Just returned
from the frozen north. Mr. and Mrs. Ursus
Marltlmls, as the two, big, shaggy ani
mals are known In polite society out at
tlie Zoo, could not repress their contempt
for any person who would come back to
sweltering Philadelphia from such a de
lightful place as Greenland, with its wealth,
of ice floes and snow. "He might at least
have brought us some snowballs," grunted
one of the bears, as be wiped the beads of
perspiration from his pink snout. Philadel
Some awful questions In law arc raised by
a landlord down in Maino who has taken
possession of the false teeth of a boarder
who did not pay bis board bill. Is It
lawful also for a man's cork leg or a
woman's wig to be attached? Can a too
tired lodging bouso keeper detain an old
beau's glaBs eye? May a person with a
rubber nose wake up some mcmlnz in rind
that board bills are not to be sneezed at?
Ills Drtii ni Book.
"Let me congratulate you on tbesuccess of
your dream book," said Mr. Dukane to a ris
ing young author.
"My dream book?" repeated the author
"Well, I fell asleep while reading It and
dreamed lots of things before I wakedup."
Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. -
Oh, what will the Joke-wrltcrdo
When old gets the Woman that's New?
When Trilby is stale
And bloomer Jokes fall;
Say, what will the Joke-writer do?
.Oh, what will the Joke-writer do
When mother Inlaw gU ber due?
Wheu Brooklyn gets fast N
And Chicago has "passed";
Then what will the Joke-writer do?
Oh, what will the Joke-writer do
When summer girls are tircwme, too? -
When the milkman's drowned
And tho north pole found.
Say, what will the Joke-writer do?
A Terrible PoMlblllty.
The question of the expediency of dis
banding the militia company was being
agitated on town meeting day In a certain
hamlet not a thousand miles from Boston.
The tavern keeper, almost pompous Indi
vidual, who bad courteously preserved
silence during the several noisy harangues,
threw a final terrible bomb Into the
camp of the Iconoclasts by the solemn
interrogatory, delivered In bis most lm
"Gentlemen, let me ask you this What
could we do without militia in case of a
resurrection?" Harper's Magazine.
One exceedingly warm day anelgbborrnet
an old man and remarked that It was
"Yes," said Joe, "if it wasn't for one
thing I should say we were going to have a
"What is that?" inquired the friend.
"There's nothing froze," said Joe Tld
Blts. In tho Alps.
On reaching a certain snot the driver
turned around In his seat and observed to
"From this polnttheroadlsonlyacccssible
to mules and donkeys; I must therefore ask
the gentlemen to get out and proceed on
foot." reuille d'Avis de Vevey.
Scribbler There's a good Joke. I'll send
that to Fudge. Don't you think It ought to
Scrawler No doubt about it going. The
only question is about Its coming back
' HIS PREFERENCE.
tei5K?i?inMa!4fV' :S2si7i . 4AUSJimiJ- Vs
Gravel Banks Say, Sandy, which kind
Sandy Throat. Why?
Queen of Pies.
She isn't versed In Latin, she doesn't
paint on satin,
She doesn't understand the artful witcll
cry of eyes;
But oh! sure, 'tis true, and certain she Is
very pat and pert In
Arranging the component parts of lus
cious pumpkin pics. -
m m fa m m
She cannot solve or twist Jem, jlz,,: JjseJ
She cannot tell a Venus frem-a Saturn-la
But you ought to see ber grapple with the
fruit that's known as apple,
And arrive at quick conclusion when she
tackles toothsome pies.
She couldn't wrlten eonnetand she couldn't
trim a bonnet.
She isn't very bookish in her letter of re
plies; But be's"mucb at home oh, very! When
he takes the Juicy berry
And manipulates quite skillfully sympo
siums of pies. Truth. ""
An Unnatural Supposition.
the ham because you are out ot work anJ
your family is starving; and yet under
stand that you hae four dogs about the
PrisonerYes, your honor; but I wudden't
ask my family to eat dogs, your honor.
She Have you ever loved another.
He Yes, of course. Did you think I'd
practice on a nice girl hka you? Life.
jgp tto mml lglgHk
THE BONGTOWN BAZOO.
We noticed In our last that fall grain was
moving off briskly. What we meant was
that It was moving off In sacks and atnlght
toward the Bulkley Ford neighborhood.
We are onto you.
MaJ. Slocome was in town this week to
sell a load of dry swamp hay. After trying
all day to sell It, and falling to do so.he
came to the Bazoo office and wanted to sell
It to us and turn It on five years' back sub
scription. We took It and sold It next day
to a carriage factory to stuff cushions and
lazybaeks. We take anything from a town
lot to a second hand liver pad. Now Is the
time to subscribe.
Welkcr Fossburg, Squash Valley. Your
pig Is weak. Evidently lacks Iron In his
blood. If you could get some pig Iron It
would be preferable.
AmandaMuggs, Turnover Hill The sum
mer drink you speak of is made as follows:
He Was Absorbed.
He was rather busy, and when his friend
came In to Invite him to dine at a swcllup
town place, be merely nodded his bead with
a fleeting smile of caBy acceptance, guvaj
preoccupied puff at his cigar, and then con
tinued looking over some of his affairs ot
and with a quick dive for his vest and hat
this thoughtful soul dashed Into the ele
vator, out onto the pavement and up the
street to keep his- appointment with bis
Several of his lady acquaintances pasd
blm by uutthcnoditbeygaehlm weresln
gularly like specimens of frecze-outs. He
pondered over such frigidity on such a
warm day, when he knew that the feminine
thirst always traves ice cream and soda
and gallants to pay for It, but growing
1 ' "J"
o bathin does yer prefer, bu?
Tho Wrong House.
, a.-VMadam," he began, as he called at a
house on High street the other forenoon,
""your husband went away in such a hurry
tills nioroing that he forgot something."
"Obi Ho did, eh?" queried the woman,
with a good deal of emphasis.
'Yes'ni, he did. When I went around to
see why he hadn't lefthlssuitstobe cleaned
-he-said he'd 'forgot 'em."
"J see. And you offered to come np and
- tYes'm. He wants 'em cleaned this
"Did he say wha tsult?" asked th e woman.
JNo'm, he didn't; but I expect It's a fall
and winter suit, and also a fall overcoat
If you would be so kind "
"Vi here did you see my husband?"
"At his office, ma am."
"How long ago?" p
"About half an hour. You don't doubt m
"Oh, nol It's rather odd, however. My
husband went to Europe six months ago.and
hasn't returned yet,-and howhe couUVjo in
his office down town and send you up for
his fall suit Is more than I can understand. ,
Won't you please wait till "
"No, ma'am tbank'ee ma'am can't
waltl" replied the Juan, and the way he
got out of the yard and around the corner
signified a good deal of mental excitemenf
on his part. Detroit Free Tress.
Aunt Alice (tohcr ragged nephew) Why,
Robert, I never saw you look so Cllaplr
dated before. Is your mother sick?
Robert No. Ma Joined a ladies' aid so
eiely last month, and she has been sewing
for the heathen ever since. New York
Take a gallon of water In whleh pumpkin
has been boiled and sweeten it with Porto
Rico molasses. Add two cloves ard filter
through a gunnysaek. Set la a cool place
and forget where it is
We forgot to mention with the Personals
that Mr. Charles Scaddlngs, of Vlnchburg,
will spend three months In the city this
fall. Ninety days the Judge e-alled it-
Jagson Jones. You pertinently ask, "If
we are to get uo more seeds from Washing
ton, why do we maintain the Agrle-ultural
Bureau?" We cannot say unless Secretary
Morton keeps his Sunday clothes In It.
G. Williklns. The crop of beats will be at
Its height when our county fair starts.
Charley Hoss. Your letter Is harder to
make out than the e-ontcnts ot a "Frank
furter sausage." Write plainer.
Silas B. You say nothing is harder to raise
than turkeys. Have you tried raising money
Silas Green-roods esq. We suggest as a
good name for your prize steer, "Bunco."
tired of the problem he was about to give It
up, when he encountered bis own charming
At first she gave 0 slight start of annoy
ance, and then heswoopcddown upon him
with overwhelming force.
"Will you kindly tell me what has hap
pened?" she asked, severely.
"Why, nothing nothing," he murmured
in an anxious sort of way. "Nothing, ex-
ccpt that I'm going to dine with "
The brother was gasping with vague
"Dear," continued his own sister, gently,
"are you out as a walking advertisement
for some haberdasher firm, or are you try
lug to show off your clean shirt sleeves?
Well, if you are not, ple-asc go back to
your office and put on your coat."
The mystery of the frigid nods was
sorted. St. Louis Eepubbc.
HIS BUSY- DAY.
3c & -
"' '"LI . .... ,
l-Oood-by, darling. This Is my busy day.
8 Hey, tbtr conductor!
4 All aboard!
C Can't wait for the elevator
Ucio'K : - jiiiuiejcorn?
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