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gambled, and practiced many other vile habits, etc.,
whereupon the judge remarked to the jury that
"Beech must be a very tough timber."
Up In the Air. Some years ago, a steamboat
called the "Old Kentuck" blew up, near the Trinity,
at the month of the Ohio, —where it is a well-estab
lished fact that a great many mosquitoes will weigh
a pound,—by which accident a lady rejoicing in the
name of Jones lost her husband and her trunk, and
for both of which an action was brought.
There was, strange to say, great difficulty in
proving that Mr. Jones had been on the boat at the
time of the collapse, that worthy having been no
toriously drunk on the wharfboat just as the steamer
Many witnesses were examined to prove the fact,
until finally a Mr. Deitzmar, a German, was placed
upon the stand.
The attorney for the boat elicited from Mr. Deitz
mar this testimony:
"Mr. Deitzmar, did you -know the Old Ken-
"Yah, I was blown up mit her."
"Were you on board when she collapsed her
"When she bust the bile? Yah, I wash dare."
"Did yon know Mr. Jones?"
"To be sure. Mr. Jones and me took passenger
"You did? When did you last see Mr. Jones on
board the boat?"
"Wall! I didn't see Mr. Jones aboard de boat
de last time."
The attorney fancied his case was safe, and with
a most triumphant glance at the jury said:
"You did not? Well, Mr. Deitzmar, when last
did you see Mr. Jones?"
"Wall when de schmoke pipe and me was going
up we met Mr. Jones coming down."
Dimensions. A celebrated lawyer was having his
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THE SEATTLE REPUBLICAN
head measured at a fashionable hat store the other
day. The man remarked, "Why, how long your head
is, sir." "Yes," said the lawyer, "we lawyers must
have long heads." The man went on with his work,
and soon exclaimed, "And it is thick as it is long,
A Bad Habit. A certain lawyer, upon cross-ex
amination, asked a witness if the incident previous
ly alluded to wasn't a miracle, and the witness said
he didn't know what a miracle was.
"Oh, come!" said the attorney. "Supposing you
were looking out of a window in the twentieth story
of a building, and should fall out and should not be
injured. What would you call that?"
"An accident," was the stolid reply.
"Yes, yes; but what else would you call it?
Well, suppose that you were doing the same thing
the next day; suppose you looked out of the twentieth
story window and fell out, and again should find
yourself not injured, now what would you call
"A coincidence," said the witness.
"Oh, come, now," the lawyer began again. "I
want you to understand what a miracle is, and I'm
sure you do. Now, just suppose that on the third
day you were looking- out of the twentieth story
window and fell out, and struck your head on the
pavement twenty stories below and were not in the
least injured. Come, now, what would you call it?"
"Three times?" said the witness, rousing a little
from his apathy. "Well, I'd call that a habit."
And the lawyer gave it up.
Naturally. A farmer came to a small country
town to consult with a lawyer. He walked along the
street, looking for a lawyer's sign, and at last he
saw the words, "Law Office," on a window that was
three stories high. The old farmer kept looking up
at the window, and walked back and forth in front
of the building trying to see how to get to the law
In a few minutes an old colored man came along
and the farmer asked him how to get up to the office.
The negro looked up and say the fire escape along the
front of the building and said:
"Bobs, there's the lawyer's ladder, but I expect
he has gone to dinner."—National Monthly.
Positive Proof. Samuel Untermyer, the noted
New York lawyer, said in Washington of a certain
"The proof was positive—as positive as the
proof against the barber.
"There was a barber who was accused of secret
inebriety, but his old patrons refused to credit such
"A stanch old patron went to the man to be
shaved one morning. The barber in silence began
to lather him, and then suddenly seized him by the
"Lathering away, the barber gripped the nose
so firmly that its owner grunted in pain:
" 'Here, let go my nose!'
"But the barber, still holding on tight, said as
he lathered steadily on:
"'Can't! If I did I'd fall down.'"—Record-
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