Newspaper Page Text
HENRY A. PARSONS, Jr., Editor and Publisher.
Two Dollars per Annui
KIDGWAY, ELK COUNTY PAl, THUHSDAY, DECEMBEB 14. 1882.
f r . .. .. -w
I, . TIME 8FE1KS.
Jx; fliat, mortals I I nm Tims I
' (J '' In every clime
J Ye know ma by the scythe I bear
Ye know me by the front 1 wear.
Since mnn first set his foot upon this'earth,
.-. IO I I hare marked each puny birth)
; and I have doled the sum of passing years
- In patience nnclm tears
Such ar an old man weeps
When he his low. watch keeps
Oerwhat, perchPuce, had better not have
So full it tr.ems of want and woe and sin.
The gift of years is mine:
I bold for yon my subtle glass;
I give each year, and watch it pass.
Oh, that ye know their sweet and priceless
:- These years of heavenly birth 1
Oh, that ye might receive them thus I But
Weakly ye let them go,
Madly you soil the rago,
In every hour and age,
Until I fair, would cry for Justice' sword,
indjpre'd the wrath of an offended Lord.
Once rr.oro the hour is here !
Is slipping through my trembling hands,
That fain would stay the fluttering s'ands,
Save that I know its worth to yon who live,
The boon that Mercy 'deigns to give,
I beg you now to hoar Timo's patient prayer j
Behold the BCioll is white,
Thereon inscriba such dee Js
That when the old man reads,
His voice may cry at last, "Lot vengeance
Their hearts are turjed to Joy and Lovo and
A STonv or new year's day.
"Peep into the library do, father
and see the dear girls. What n pi
ture Ihey make !"
Mr. IMl downtown was a man
much respected as a rich, successful
merchant, much feared as an over
shrewd financier ; uptown, in his own
house, he was just "father." Mrs.
Ufell, a comely, stout, Monde matron,
liad let her whole soul overflow on the
little bald head of her first baby. Suc
cessive babies brought more outpour
ing of inexhaustible affection and in
dulgence. She was content as a brood
ing dove to be only "mother," and
that Mr. Bell could ask greater glory
or honor than to be "father," why, the
idea was absurd. So absurd that it
never came into his mind. On tiptoe
He obeyed his wife's injunction and
looked in at the library door.
" What are they doing ?" he asked, in
"Directing envelopes for the New
Year's cards the invitations to call,
they were certainly pretty, those
three girls, with their slender forms
thrown into graceful, unrestrained at
titude as they sat about the library
table eagerly talking and busily writ
ing. They were respectively nineteen,
eighteen and sixteen years old ; and
called respectively .T.o or Josie for Jo
sephine, Sissy for "Cecilia, and Tiny for
Christina. These were their home pet
names, to bo sure, but following a cus
tom that obtains nowadays, they chose
to be known by these diminutives out
side in the fashionable world. The
great society paper described them as
'three Graces shading in styles of
beauty from Miss Josie's brunette bril
liancy, through Miss Sissy's brown
haired, blue-eyed bewilderment, to Miss
Tiny's moonlight blondeness." The
description was considered acurate as
well as extremly poetical, and Mrs.
Bell had asked the reporter to lunch.
Josie read off names from a list, the
other two sisters wrote, and a fourth
a inilo called Poppet neatly piled
"LeVs see." said Josie "tlw A's.
B's, C's all done down to the M's.
Morse, Mortis, Mclntyro, Mumford "
Sissy, who was biting her pen-handle
In deep reflection, and had turned up
her blue eyes to tho ceiling until the
looked like the saint whose name she
bore, interrupted just here with,
" Jo, didn't we meet a Montgomery
"Montgomery? No. Yes ; there
was somebody of that name, it seems
to me, at Saratoga."
" I remember, " exclaimed Tiny,
getting upon her knees in tho chair
like a child, and stretching well across
the table, "somebody, I've forgotten
who, brought him up to us one day on
the piazza, and said he was an agree
able, man who lounged about the
oflleo and seemed to have no friends."
"Oh, ye s," said Josie, with uncer
tainty ; "and I think he spoke of being
at tho Windsor, in New York. Direct
him an envelope, Sissy."
"But, Josie, asked Tiny, "do wo
know him ?"
'' Nonsense, child ; people aren't so
exact at New Year's. And we must
have a lot of calls. Three girls of us!
why, less than two or three hundred
eallswould bo a disgrace."
" Of course," taid Sis.-y, with a
sense of the gravest responsibility; "and
to secure that number wo must send
out at least twice ns many invitations.
There, 'Mr. Montgomery, Windsor
Hotel.' It may not lind lum, but
there's a chance, and every one counts."
She threw the directed envelope among
the others that were ready to be
stamped and mailed.
" Well, rny pets," Mr. Hell asked, as
he came in and looked down at the
pretty group in fond pride, "where are
all these eards to be Kent ?"
"Oh, papa," exclaimeu Jo, "now
just run away we're ho busy."
" Now, papa" and Sissy jumped up
and kissed him " do be a docile parent,
there'a a dear."
" Yes, and don't disturb us," added
Miss Tiny, clapping her hand over a
pile of envelopes to protect them from
Mr. T?oll Innlrnrl .1. 1, j
. - umuacu, p.lLieu liieir
heads all around, and observed, in a
mildly speculative way, as he saw about
one-quarter of the number to bo sent,
"It seems to me tUcre aro a great
" It's oil right, papa ;' we know tho
customs of society," came the reassur
"We know the euthtomth of thothlety
perfee'ly," echoed In a shrill solo from
Poppet, who at present lisps, being
minus one milk-tooth in front, but
who will shortly be known to the
newspapers as "the piquant Miss
Then all the girls jump up and niako
a dash at papn, and in tt few moments
a handsome old gentleman, very merry
and very proud of his handsome and
merry girls, makes a feint of having
been ejected with great violence from
the library, and the door is closed and
locked on the inside.
Mr. Bell can hardly stop laughing
to say to his wife, " I suppose you
know all about the cards sent out?'1
" Oil, no," sho answers, placidly; "I
leave social matters to tho girls.
They're great favorites, father, and
very attractive. The number of
friends they have is astonishing. It's
By force of example, Mr. Bell echoes,
cheerfully, " Oh, yes, it's all right."
On New Year's day there was a very
rainbow of girls in the Bell drawing
room. Such lilmy, dainty-luted dresses,
such bright cheeks and eyes, such a be
wildering tangle of glossy hair never
before shimmered around a prosperous,
beaming old father. Mr. Bell was so
apt to be late downtown, or deeply
absorbed in business schemes, or "see
ing a man" in- the librarv during tho
evening, that he had seldom met his
daughter in grand toilet, rind had
never realized what radiant creatures
they were, ami tnat untovwi lie was
chiefly known as "tho BM1 girls'
father." lie himself, in full dress and
a light overcoat, was complimented by
his eldest daughter as "just too sweet
for anything." Then lie jumped into
1 ho carriage, consulted a formidable
lint, rind began the day's work.
I The (list caller at the house was old
Mr .Crump-" nobody at all, you know; !
just a friend of mammas ages ago, ;
when she was voting," as SissV re
" Ah," exclaimed Mrs. Bell, with rap
ture, as she was entertaining him, "my
dear girls are quite leaders of society."
1 es, madanie, answered the ridicu
lous old party; "and we live in the j
onlv country in the world where a j
mother can make such a boast of chil-
dren in their teens.
" I knew it," responded the mother,
with a sigh of pious contentment,
and I'm devoutly grateful for our
"Pree and easv institutions," Mr. i
Crump suggested; then pinching Pop-
pet s cheek, he asked : " A ell, small
child, and what do you do on N ew
" Oh, I retheive all day long. It ith
quite tirethome," said Poppet, gravely. I
Crump, as he gave a hasty farewell
nod, made some strange noise under j
his breath. Josie thought it was a
groan, but Tiny, who stood nearest,
said: "It was a swear, an awful j
"I think," said Poppet, "he ith
drefl'ully poky and liathn't any t'nyle." J
The early calls were mostly from
very young men, solemn under a sense
of juvenility, or hilarious and kindly
patronizing toward elder people.
At 11 o'clock Josie whispered to
Sissy: " What a bore ! I hate boys !"
By noon old married men and the
heads of families hurried in, paid
elaborate compliments, declared that
Mrs. Bell hadn't grown a day older in
twenty years; then made off, checking
against the iiamo "Bell" in a business-like
way ju-t at the carriage door.
" At last 1" exclaimed Josie about 1
o'clock "at last the niarriaireablemen
I are coming."
They came by dozens men who led
I the german, men who drove their own
"four-in-hands," men who lounged
about clubs, men who had "seen life"
j in Paris, and watched talkative young
i girls with a sinirtcr interest.
I Bather late in the afternoon Mrs.
Bell became so pleased with a tall,
handsome, dark-haired man of about
thirty-live, who spoke in a mellow
voice and with nn English inflection,'
that she contrived to whisper to Josie,
"What's his name?"
" I'm sure 1 don't know, mamma,"
answered the young lady, gayly.
" Tin r,;; are dozens here whose faces
even I can't recall."
" Oh, yes," Sissy chimed in with a
languid smile, "we sent so many cards,
Mrs. Bel), who had begun to feel he
would make an ideal son-in-law, said
ta the gentleman, with a proper pre
amble, "It is unpardonable, but wo
have really forgotten your name."
" Montgomery," he suavely replied.
"Your card came to my hotel the
" Oh, yes, certainly, of course. Tho
girls sent out a great many. Pleasant
custom, isn't it ?"
"Charming custom," answered Mr.
Montgomery, "so eon venh-nt that is,
1 mean so so cordial." His eyes were
fixed in a horrible stare directly over
Mrs. Bell's shoulder, and he hurriedly
offered his arm. "My dear madame"
(he stammered dreadfully), "will you
permit me to admire" (he jerked out
tho words) "the works of art in the
next room ?"
Mrs. Bell turned about to see at
what ho was staring in that ghastly
way, and found standing behind her
nothing worse than a short, stout man
of forty or so, with a florid countenance,
and a pleasant smile upon it, who was
waiting to pay his New Year's compli
ment. That duly received, she took
Mr. Montgomery's proffered arm, and
went into tho next room to view a
large oil painting. The stout gentle
men followed them, .and cheerfully
offered the remark, "Pino picture."
Mr. Montgomery dashed olt to a corner
where there was a piece of statuary.
The stout man dashed off to the corner
also, and gave the Opinion, "Pine
"Poppet," whispered Mrs. Bell,
beckoning tho child to her, " go Mid
ask Josie this gentleinan.'s name."
Meanwhile he was delivering quite a
little lecture on int. " The Wonderful
permanency of works in marble renders
them of Value to tho historian they
are, so to speak, petrified history," he
Poppet enme running back, and
said, In capital imitation of her
ciders, "We really can't thay who
Mr. Montgomery's attention seemed
fixed oa a fine etching that hung near
the open door, and he went toward it.
Tho stout person performed a sort of
quadrille figure in front of him all the
way, and stationed himself on the
threshold. Montgomery attempted to
cross that threshold ; a fat hand met
his advancing shoulder, and the words,
"Oh, no!" very gently spoken, met
The words were evidently softer
than the grasp; for at tho moment the
three girls and a train of callers were
passing through to the dining-room,
where a collation was spread, and Mr.
Montgomery staggered back, violently
propelled by that plump hand. The
rude stout man seemed about to speak
with great vehemence, but he looked
into the faces of the three young girls
in succession, and down into Poppet's
innocent, wide-opened eyes, then
laughed, and said. " Why, ladies, here's
a fortunate meeting; this gentleman
has forgotten me, but 1 know luiu."
Montgomery looked something like an
upright corpse. " I've been looking
for him a Ions time. Why. Charles"
and he put out his hand "don't you
remember " Montgomery was sUll
uncanny to see. " Don't you remember
your brother Jack r
Then the stout man seized
younger one's hand, wrung it, and
laughed again in the heartiest way
imaginable. The newlv found Charles
hitAi linallv ejaculated, "Jack I oh, veV,
... ,., .
j " Your brother Jack."
! "Yes. How d'ye do?"
! Mrs. Bell murmured in happy sym
pathy, "How fortunate! what a de
lightful meeting !" and the girls chir
ruped like little birds about the won-
derful scene, while the brothers spoke
Vn')m Hmt m01aent he,lrtT Mr, J;u.k-S
,w,.H.m ,,,.,,-u, f..,i r-.i,.t,v
knew no bound. Arm in arm they
went to the refreshment table. Charles
had a singularly small appeetite, but
Jack ato enough for both, and re
j neycr V(.rv u liaU, to
, t piU(W;,ft hrn& down-eh, old bov,
!, ,.uJT.t v
j werin t j ou.
marked with solicitude, "Charlie wins
Yes, oh, ve ves," answered Charles.
"Why," exclaimed Sissy, "it's quite
wonderful! " How did you know your
brother was here?"
"Why," said Jack, still holding
Charlie's arm, "I traced him to tho
Windsor, and seeing your card in his
room, followed here on the chance of
finding him, and also" (this with a
gallant Vow) "of paying my respects to
some American ladies."
It was about li o'clock, and the
calling had fallen off as the wretched
victims of the day's pleasure twk the
usual dinner-time for a breathing spa Me
before the evening's rush and hurry.
In fact, not a visitor remained except
tho happy reunited brothers, and Jack
proposed, "Now, Charlie, let us go."
Charles refused flatly, and asked per
mission to see the conservator1 a
fragrant little bower at the extreme
end of the long vista of connecting
rooms. The ladies assented, and the
cheerful brother Jack followed close.
"(.'harming!" exclaimed tho fasci
nating man. ".Such roses I've rarely
seen. There's a fine variety;" and step
ping lightly on a shelf full of pots he
leaned toward tho window to catch a
crimson bud that was nodding its fra
grance from near li sash. A moment
more and he reaetlJ the flower; then
there was a tremendous blow, a crash
of glass, a dreadful thunder of falling
flower pots, screams, a" wild confusion,
and Mr. Charles Montgomery had
jumped through the window ns nim
bly, if not as quietly, as a cat. The
frightened women hardlv realized what
had happened before tho devoted
brother Jack, with more crash of flower
pots and glass, had jumped after him
through tho same openipg. A balcony
was outsido the window, and there
was a terrible trampling and struggle
"Help! help! come here!" Mrs.
Bell'shrieked, for the three men-servants
who were in the house. They
came running, and in great excitement.
There were racing and chasing in the
yard, and a great scuffling at a gate
that led out into the street (the house
being on a corner); then came several
pistol-shots in quick succession. At
the tiring all the servants ran down the
basement stairs, one brave fellow ex
claiming: " Don't yer be scared, missus; I's
gwine tcr fetch do kitchen poker."
Then in through the splintered sash
came Charles Montgomery, and after
him, much breathed, the loving
brother Jack, a smoking pistol in his
hand and a dreadful oath on his lips.
Hound and round the drawing-room
rushed the pursued and the pursuer.
The brave servant showed a woolly
head and two white eyes over the top
step of the basement stairs, and shout
ed: "I done got de poker," then disap
peared in safety.
Jack shrieked: "Give up! give up,
I tell you !" Then, as the desperate
man fled toward the frightened women
for refuge, called out: " Lie down on
the floor, ladies; I'm going to fire."
Down on the floor they dropped, toi
lets and all; fire he did, and Mrs.
Bell yelled loud enough to bring in
twenty gens-d'armes if she had been
In Paris. There were more . fierce
oaths, there was' more pursuit, then the
wildest, maddest struggle of all near
the front door, followed by a dull
blow, a heavy fall, and silence.
At this moment A latch-key turned
and Mr. Boll came cheerfully into hid
On the marble floor of the hall lay a
tall man senseless and bleeding. Over
him stood a short, florid man wiping
the perspiration from his forehead and
putting up a pistol. An exclamation
of alarm and horror escaped the mas
ter of the house.
Jack harried to say, " I suppose you
aro Mr. Bell?"
" I am and and "xlie assumed a
"Father I" shrieked Mrs. Bell and
tho girls, and a bunch of white faces
looked out from tue back parlor door.
Mr. Bell rushed to the messenger
alarm-box and gave the signal for the
" Now, now kefcp cool and I'll ex
plain," said Jack; pleasantly. "This
genteel person who had an invitation
to call on you is a fugitive, from jus
tice. IWa nothing less Winn a
Never mind; I'm sorry to frighten
these ladies, and I tried every device,
even to calling myself his long-lost
brother, to go' my man quietly out of
your house and arrest him in tho street.
I've feeling forthe domestic sanctities;
I've daughters f my own. You see,
he's been hiding; for several years and
now, thinking pursuit was over, caran
out quite boldly under a new name."
Two policemen appeared at the door.
" Tell the chief of police his house
is close by," said the cool party "that
Jack Trapper, of the London force, has
taken the man in the Carter case, and
ask tho chief U step here if he will."
While Mr. B.'li was slowly taking
in tho strange proceedings, that high
ofllcial arrived, greeted Jack familiarly
as " Mr. Traimer." and at once had
Montgomery, wlio had opened his eyes
wiui i Lie inimeu iook ol a wuu iirast,
carried out by four ofllcers. v
Mr. Jack "Trapper followed, only
turning at the dmr to bow politely anu
remark : " I'm very sorry, ladies I
have a family myself but it all came
from that card. My prisoner is charged
with murder." ;
The scared women turned to the
chief of police, who conlirmed tha
statement, added that tho man, beyond
doubt, was guilty, promised to keep tho
alt'sir out of the" papers, and also po
"Creat Heaven!" exclaimed Mr.
Bell to his wife, "how did you come to
know the wretch?"
"1 I didn't know him," she stam
mered. - v -., .
" We we met him lor just a few
minutes on the piazza at Saratoga,"
Josie "explained, in i trembling voice,
" and and well, you know, it's quite
a fashion to send ut.: New Ye ar's cards
so so f reply ."'
Mr. Bell opened his lips for the
strongest invective that uptown had
ever heard from them, but he mas
tered himself, and only ordered, in
tones of thunder: "Co to bed, every
one of you! Go!"
Avery washed-out rainbow of girls
crept up to their several rooms and
sobbed themselves to sleep.
" I And," said the roused father to
his wife, "that fashion and society
don't guido and prutcct young girls.
For the future we'll govern our daiiglv
ters, not be govern ud by them."
These things took place last year.
This year the three beauties are spoken
of as " Mr. Bell's daughters" not " tho
Bell girls." Alio, tho few men who
have invitations for New Year's day,
directed in the bold business hand
familiar to Mr. Bell's correspondents,
think themselves rather lu"ky.
Poppet, by the way, stays in tho
nursery this year, nnd says, with
proper dignity, "I don't rethieve."
Story of a Cotton Bale,
In one of Henry C. Lukens' New
York letters to Texas tHf'tinga occurs
this paragraph: David Crawley is the
full namo of the baggage master of
the steamer Stonington, which has had
its quota of mischances on Long Island
Sound. Tho old man is pardonably
gairulous, for the truth is alwaysin
him. He tells a vivid story of forty
two winters ago, and his recital brings
up all the horrors of that fateful night
when the thermometer was at six De-
low zero, nnd the steamboat Lexington
was totally destroyed by lire. Of one
bun Ired "and eighty-four victims on
board, only four succeeded in getting
a-hore with their lives. For fifty hours
Mr. Crowley floated alxmt on a cotton
bale. His feet were badly frost
nipped, nnd he is to-day, in his " sere-tmd-ycllow,"
minus several toes. But
he held on to that bale of cotton until
18G3, when theraw material was worth
one dollar forty a pounc . Then he sold
bis "preserver" nnd banked over four
hundred and sixty dollars. And he
tells all this as modestly as if ho was
not that man, bur another man.
Tho honey is, as a rule, very sweet
nnd fragrant, but is sometimes very
injurious to human beings. Here 1
may mention that no bee can suck
honey out of flowers, as is popularly
supposed. She licks it out with her
tongue, tho end of which is covered
with hairs, so us to convert into a
brush, scrapes it between tho jaws,
and so passes it into the crop, where it
is changed into honey. What property
may bo in the crop which converts
flower juice into honey we do not at
present know. To all appearance the
crop is nothing but a bag of exceed
ingly fine membrane, and yet, alter re
maining for a little time in tho crop,
the flower juice undergoes a change in
consistence, flavor and scent, and,
whether the insect be a wild or dome
tic bee, the change is identical through
out. Good Words,
FACTS AND COMMENTS.
The United States supreme court at
Washington is nearly one tliousand
oases behind its docket, which is equiv
elent to at least three years work.
Mr. Dudley. United States commis
sioner of pensions, asserts that there
are 1,(X)0,000 ex-soldiers yet living who
have never applied for pensions. He
thinks the chances are that there will
be an increase rather than a reduction
of the pension rolls.
It costs something to attend a fash
ionable church in New York city.
Recently an ordinary pew in Grace
church sold for $1,150 and one in Dr.
Hall's Pifth Avenue Presbyterian
church brought f 2,000 at auction on
the real estate exchange.
'During the five' years 1877-81, tho
average loss by fire in the United
States and Canada in the montn or
September alone was fo.950,000. .The
past year, omitting the fires m wincti
tho loss was less than $10,000, the
record shows 123 in number, nnd the
aggregate loss $d,20o,00'J.
The aggregate sum of money paid
for imported stock by breeders in the
United States is somewhat startling,
if the Pittsburg (Pa.) Stoolc man's
statements are correct. ' It says that
" the outlay in this direction was
$3,675,518, or more than tho exports
of live cattle from tho United States
amounted to in the first half of the
present year. There is a solid in
crease in the importation total for
1882, and it is not likely that it will
fall much below $5,000,000. No other
people in tho world are making as lib
eral investments In line stock at this
time as tho oreeders of the United
From the programme for 188:1 of
the French commission intrnsted with
the restoration and maintenance of
historic monuments one cets some
idea of the generous care which is be
stowed in that country upon these ob
jects. The average annual sum thus
expended is about $500,000. For the
coming year the lht of works to be
undertaken fills half a column in small
type in one of the Paris newspapers,
and embraces the whole country.
Among the items are the Chateau da
Courcy, the Cathedral of Laon, tho
ramparts of Carcassonne, the amphi
theatre of Aries, the Cathedral of Li
sieux, the Chateau of Blois, tho Cha
teau of Pierrefonds, the Cluny Mu
seum, the Abbey of St. Denis, the
chapel of the Chateau of Vineenne3,
the Tour de Montlery and tho antique
theatre of Orange, it further appears
thnt a large number of new works are
projected, together with the restora
tion and maintenance of mosques and
Roman monuments in Algeria, and
inegalithic remains scattered over
Louis Kossuth, the Hungarian pa- j
triot, now eighty years old, has written :
a letter to the Reform club of Eng- j
land, in which he gives his opinion
about the present state of affairs in
Europe. The h tier, which hm excited !
wide comment, has thi3 passage about
tho huge armaments of the conti- j
nent: "To see the social structure
called state converted into as many
gigantic barracks the life sweat of j
nations drained to keep up with armies
counted by myriad!, these myriads in'
tho bctit' vigor cf thiir youthful!
strength, abstra'"t'd from productive i
labor ; all the soaring or human intel
lect made subservient to the pro
fession of wholesale international
slaughter and destruction verily this
is a condition so monstrous, at the
same time so utterly intolerable, that
unless some means are devised for
bringing it to a stop, unless govern
ments arc checked in their headlong
course toward exhausting the patience
of their subjects by draining their life
sweat for nourishing tho insatiable
Moloch of exorbitant armaments, it is
absolutely impossible that the totter
ing structure of social organization
should long escape the catastrophe of
an almighty smash."
One of the most practical experi
ments in the way of cheap houses for
the poor, according to the New York
correspondent of tho Philadelphia
Record, has been In operation for six
months in the great tenement-house on
First avenue, between Seventy-second
and Seventy-third streets, and its re
sults are said to bo entirely satisfac
tory. The building is plain, with stoies
on tho first floor and a large court in
the interior, and accoinmodatfs 2'JO
families. It is so large and tho regula
tions are so stringent that it was orig
inally thought that none but the very
poor would occupy the rooms, but it
turns out that the majority of occu
pants belong to the comfortable class
of artisans. They are compelled to
keep their rooms neat, to behave or
derly and to sustain good characters,
while the occupants of the stores are
required to sell their goods on reason
able terms. The capitalists who con
structed this experimental tenement
had their work done well, and arranged
rents so as to get a return of live per
cent., where common, cheap tenement
landlords exact ten or twelve per
cent., a d they are satisfied with tho
experiment they have gained, and pro
pose tofpush their reform in other
quarters of the city. It is noticeable
that out of 400 children in this tene
ment there were only three deaths
during the entire summer. Onlv two
adults died during tht same time of
ordinary disease, though a third died
of old age.
The enormous sum of $202,000,000
is invested in tho submarine cables of
tho world, supposed to aggregate
bi.OOU miles hi length.
Spoopendjke Cuts His Chin.
"My dear I" exclaimed Mr. Spoopen
dyke, dropping his razor and examin
ing his chin with starting eyes, "my
dear, bring some court plaster, quick !
I've plowed off half my chin !"
" Let me sea I" demanded Mrs. Sponp.
endyke, bobbing up and fluttering
around her husband. "Great gracious,
what a cut I Wait a minute!" and
she shot into the closet and out again.
" Quick 1" roared Mr. Spoopendyke,
" I'm Dleeding to death I fetch me that
court plaster I"
" Oh, dear 1" moaned Mrs. Spoopen
dyke. "I put it oh, where did I
put it?" .
"Dod gast the putty" yelled Mr.
Spoopendyke, who had heard his wife
imperfectly. "What d'ye think this
is, a crack "in the wall ? Got some sort
of a notion that there is a draught
through here? Court plaster, I tell
you 1 Bring mo some court plaster
before I pull out the side of the house
and get some from the neighbors r
Just then it appeared to Mrs.
Spoopendyke that she had put the'
plaster in the clock.
" Here it is, dear!" and she snipped
off a piece and handed it to him.
Mr. Spoopendyke put it on the end
of his tongue, holding his thumb over
the wound. When i was thoroughly
wetted it stuck fast to his finger, while
the carnage ran down his chin. He
jabbed away at tho cut, but the plaster
hung to his digit until finally his pa
tience was thoroughly exhausted.
" What's the matter with the measly
business?" ho yelled. "Where'd ye
buy this plaster? Come off, dod gast
ye?" and as he plucked it off his finger
it grew to his thumb. "Stick, will
ye?" he squealed, plugging at the cut
in his chin. " Leave go that thumb!"
and he whirled around on his heel and
pesrsred at it attain. " Why don't you
bring me somo court plaster?" he
shrieked, turninz on his trembling
wife. "Who asked ye for a leech
Brma me something that knows a
thumb from a chin!" and he planted his
thumb on the wound and screwed it
around vindictively. This time the
plaster let co and slipped up to the
corner of Ids mouth.
"Now it's all right, dear," smiled
Mrs. Spoopendyke, anxious to secure
peace in the ' family. " it is right
"Think it is, do ye?" raved Mr.
Spoopendvke. with a loan ill grin
" Mavbe vou've cot the same idea, that
court plaster has ! P'raps you think
that mouth was cut with a razor !
Maybe you' re under the impression
that this hole in my visage was meant
to succumb to the persuasion of a bit
of plaster! Come off! Let go that
mouth 1" and as ho gave it a wipe it-
stuck to the palm of his hand as
though it had been born there.
"Let me try," suggested Mrs.
Spoopendyke, "I know how to do it."
" Tin n' why didn't ye do it lirt,"
howled Mr. Spoopendyke. " What did
ye want to wait until I'd lost three
gallons of gore for? Oh, you know
how to do it? You only want a linen
back and a bottle of mucilage up your
side to be a county hospital? Stick!
dod gast ye!" aiid he clapped the
wrong hand over his jaw. "I'll
hold ye there till ye stick, if I hold
yo till my wife learns something!"
and Mr. Spoopendyke pranced up an 1
down the room with a face indicative
of stern determination.
"Let mo see, dear," said his wife,
approaching him with a smile, ami
Kently drawing away his hand she
deftly adjusted another piece of plaster.
"That was my piece after all,"
growled Mr. Spoopendyke, eyeing the
job and glancing at the palm of his
hand to find his pieeo of plaster gone.
" You nhvay3 come in after the f u
nend." "I guess you'll find your pieeo stick
ing in the other hand, dear," said Mrs.
" Of course you can" tell," snortpd
Mr. Spoopendyke, verifying his wife's
assertion with'a glance. "If I had your
insight and a pack of cards I'd hire a
shot tower and set up for an astrono
mer !" and Mr. Spoopendyke, who evi
dently meant astrologer, wore that
piece of blood-stained court plaster on
his hand all day long rather than ad
mit, by taking it olt, that his wife had
ever been right in anything. Brook
He (iot 'I here.
Evervbodv who will stop fco think
must admit that the gates at tho rail
road depots are a wise provision. One
must show his ticket before ho can
pass to tho train, and it is not once in
a thousand times that a passenger can
go astray. And yet it galls and an
noys lots of peoplo to bo railed off and
penned up and be obliged to exhibit
Yesterday morning a very stern and
digniltol man with a grip-sack in his
hand tried to walk through the gates
at the Central depot, and when asked
for his ticket he haughtily replied:
"It is in my pocket.
"Let me sea it."
"I will not! My word should ba
proof that I have it!"
"Have to show your ticket, sir."
"I-won't submit to any such indig
nity!" exclaimed tho stern man, and
he didn't, lleentered tho freight sheds,
passed through a Hour ear, climbed
over .a lot of hides and crept under a
baggage car, and finally reached th-3
train he was after. A brakeinan stood
at the steps and asked:
"Going West, sir?"
"So; Roing East."
"Then your train won't go for three
hours and a half yet ! This train goes
And the worst of it till was the man
at the gate and a dozen others caught
on and raised such a laugh that the
stern man went down into the freight
house and hid behind a box-car. De
troit Free Press.
The devil never tempted a man
whom he found judiciously employed,
A Glad Sow Year.
Sing soft and low, with tender tone,
A requiem for tho years gone by,
With rains that bent, and winds that moan
We'll join In mournful melody;
Chant to the wintry Unfits thnt raves
So wildly over hill and plain,
Weep, for to-night, from out their graves
Old joys come crowding back again.
Pile high the fire keep ont the cok'i:
Lay on the board your festive cheer;
Make mirth nnd music ns of old,
Toweloome in the good New Tear.
The Old Year's brow wns often Bteiti,
And harsh his lessons as we know;
But oh 1 we have so much to laim,
' And wisdom of Un comes rfc woe I
Wliere are the forms thnt used to sit
Bwide us in the fireliaht's blaao ?
Where is their laugh, their merry wit,
Their noble worth, which sought not pralseT
Gone I Yet their presence seems to coma
And linger with us round the hoorth;
They Art about us in our home,
And share our sadness nnd our mirth.
Ob, what a wealth of bliss was oars
In those lost dnys, so quickly flod 1
What fragrance dwelt within those flowew
Which seem so scentless now and dead 1
What biassed moments, cast away
. In upcndthrift waste, we might have stored!
What genile memories for to-dny
Might have boon ours ! a goldon hard !
Vain sighs o'ar joys departed now 1
We'll grieve no more for vanished days,
Bat forward rre, with tranquil brow,
And still our thankful song shnll raise t
Glad that so far onr task is done,
That rest oonres nearer nnd wore near)
That soon beyond the transient sun,
We're sure to find a glad New Year I
ii. ..'.a . - '
. HUMOR OF THE DAY.
A Kentucky farmer lost four daugh
ters in one day by marriage.
Green is certainly a lovely color,
but we don't like to aoe too much of ib
in a man's eye
You can't eat. enough in a week to
last you a year, and you can't advertisa
on tiiat plan, either.
" Tapir fauee!" exclaimed an irate
parent, as he administered a doso of
strap to his wayward boy.
"Doctor, examine my tongue," said
a giddy woman, " and' tell me what it
needs." "Host," roplicd.the doctor.
It is stated, as a remarkable thing,
that a St. Louis horse chews tobacco.
Singular taste; most horses choose
Stoves are supposed to be a some
what modern invention, but the Egyp
tians were warmed bv Alexander the
Grate, 11. C. 300.
A debating society is nerving itself
up to wrestle with t ne qucotion, " W hen
woman ami a mouse nicer, which is
the most friglilen-.'d V
A little bov came to his mother re
cently and said : " I should think that
I was made of dust I would get
muddy inside when I drink.
A smart American girl calls a young
fellow of her acquaintance " Honey
suckle," because he's always hanging
over the front fence in the evenings.
To one of a numerous class of bores
Horace Greclcv wrote: "Dear Sir
You ought to be in better business
than hunting autograph." Horace
sent this without signing hi-J name.
' Dream.;," says tho scientist, " are
produced by sensations . It while
v.leep. no would nave niougnu it?
AYe always supposed dreams were pro- .
duccd bv sensations you, didn t f eel
while vo;i were awake.
A young g utleinanof the lackadais
ical Oscar Wilde type went into a res
taurant to get S'Uiit! brea'Kfuat. "How
do you vast yo.r eggs boiled?" asked
the waiter. "I want them soft.-'
"How. soft?" "Very soft. I want
them to nintvh my voice,"
I find," said an old man to a re
porter, "that tin re is absolutely no
unit to the uiiiaiuJity oi mo icein u
they are properly taken caro of. 1
never drink hot drinks,. always brush
my teeth morning and evening, avoid '
all acids whatever, and although I am
sixty-five years old my teeth aro as
good as they ever were." " And that
is all you do to preserve your teeth, is
it?" "Yes, sir, that's all; barring,
perhaps, the fact that I put them in a
glass of soft water nights."
A capital story is told of tho in.
genuity exercised by a little boy in
calling attention to" his first pair of
new boots : Tho little fellow would
draw up his pantaloons and display
the whole of his boots ; then walk up
and down the room, with eyes now
upon the shining leather, nnd now
upon a friend of his father who was
present ; but it was a bootless effort.
At length, however, he succeeded. Sit
ting in front of both be exclaimed :
"Father, ain't three tunes two sixr
" Yes, my son." " Weil, then," said
he, pointing to each of their feet, " if
three times two are six, there's just six
boots in this room ! "
To walk when it fatigues reacts m
such case into exhaustion instead of
Nature is wiser and mightier than
doctors. She is in consort with eter
The life of an invalid is always es
sentially abnormal. The cure for this
is association with nature.
Tor a chest protector during intense
ly cold weather, Dr. Foutt's Utalth
Monthly advises tho trial of a news
paper over tho chest.
To prevent discoloration from
bruises, apply a cloth wrung' out in
very hot water, and renew frequently
until tho pain ce.u.s.
Dr. Felix Oswald says Do not go
off on the cold nir idea, or the ascetic
fallacy, or the stimulant theory. A
level liead ii quito as necessary to
health and longevity as iinything'tlse,
, 1 I