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title: 'The Forest Republican. (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, March 30, 1898, Image 1',
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fne Forest Republican
b published every Wednesday, hj
J. E. WE HK.
OfQce In Smearbaugu & Co.'i Buildup
ELM STREET, TIOXE9TA, PA.
Termi, - W 1 .00 for Ye nr.
To ubacrlptlons received (or a (hotter
period than throemontha.
Correspondence sollolte I from all parts of
tba oouotry. No notia will be taken of
RATES OF ADVERTISING
One Squire, one Inch, one insertion..! 1 00
One -quire, one inch, on? month. , 9 8 00
One Fquare. one inoh, tore m mth. . 5 iO (
One Square, one ln-h, one ear..,,. 10 00
"1 wt Squire, one year l.i no
Quarter Column, one year A MM
half Column, one year .V) 00
Une Column, one year 1M U0
lec a I advertisement ton cenU per line
Marriages and rieith notices graft.
All bills lor yeanyadvertiseinuita collected
quarterly Temporary advertisement ruuat
be paid in advance.
Job work cash on deliver.
VOL. XXX. NO. 50. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, MAHOII 30 181)8. S1.00 PER ANNUM.
The average cotton crop yields, as n
by-product, 900,000,000 pounds.of oil
and 2,500,000 tons of meal.
The number of marriage licenses is
sned lu Chicago hns been steadily
droppg for the past fonr years, aud
in 1807 it was nearly twenty per cent,
less than it had' been in 1803.
Says the Chicago Inter-Ocean: The
Shah of Persia is said to own 875,000,
000 worth of jowels and gold orna
ments, lie doesn't keep up much of a
navy, and buys diamonds instead of
gatling guns and bombshells.
The manufacture of bogus antiques
in the Egyptian penitentiaries nnder
English, management hns reached
snoh proportions as to call forth a pe
tition against the practice from the
Royal British Antiquarian and Arch
Ex-Senator John B. Henderson hns
thoroughly studied the problom of the
West Indies, and ho predicts Euro
pean flags on tho islands will be
pulled down one after the other until
there will bo a powerful republic of
the "touted Islands of America."
Tho American people have a vory
sweet totb. Last year they consumed
2,090,(0 tons of sugar au increase
over the consumption of the previous
year of 136,177 tons. During 1897
we produced 11,317 tons of beet sugar,
280,009 tons of pane sugar, and enough
BHgar from maple trees and sorghum
to bring tho total amount up to 330,
656 tons.- . This is a good deal of sweet
ness, but it is a mere triflo in com
parison with our imports of fTGO,G07
tons from foreign countries.
H. C. Russell,- a scientific man of
' &ew South Wales, announces as a re
sult of a prolonged examination of his
tory from the earliest'times, that sea
sons of drought recur with unfailing
regularity at intervals of nineteen
years. Of two hundred and eight
droughts recorded sinoo the year 900,
all but fifteon conform to this theory,
whioh is that there ar6, every nine
teen years, one long period of three
.. years during which the rainfall is
somewhat deficient, aud a shorter
period betweeu eaoh of the long periods
when the deficiency is excessive. He
even finds a confirmation of the Bible
chronology in the fact that the dates
of tho Egyptian drought iu Joseph's
time, the drought during King David's
reign, that foretold by Elijah, and that
predicted by Elisha, all fail into the
nineteen -year period.
Poor Do Lome's downfall is a cruel
blow to the pessimists who are fore
ever moaning about the incompetency
of our diplomats, exclaims the Now
York Commercial Advertiser, Wo
may not have a class of trained diplo
inatists, and we may send country law
yers to contend with experienced Min
' isters at European oourts, but they do
not tnako spectacles of themsolves by
insulting the heads of the govern
meuts thy aro accredited to. They
may oat with their knives, but they do
not get themsolves sent home in dis
ftvaca. If Sackville-West and De
r. i'.uo are trained diplomatists, the
IT.iited States will be satisfied a time
I r.iger with its untrained ones. It is
worth notice, however, that European
diplomats make more of these blund
rs in the TJnitod Statos than iu auy
ilher country. Europo must send all
- its oheap raw material here.
Oom Paul Krueger seems to have a
life piition. Mr. Krueger is a won
dertjan, aud his unexampled suo
oess in maintaining the independence
of his country in face of a rich, intel
ligent and violently hostile majority
' of the actual inhabitants of the country
within, and against air the forces of
nodorn civilization without, is a fact
to which history furnishes no parallel.
He is the incarnation of the spirit ol
his race, masterful, stubborn, rugged
and tenacious of their own. In addi
tion, he has a quality foreign to his
people, such sagacity and craft iu
policy that Bismarck or some similarly
competent judge deolured him to be
the one born, diplomat he had mot.
The history of Krueger aud his race
reads like a ohapter -out of Lacede
monian history. Iu stern contempt
for luxury and progress, hatred of
foreigners, grim content with old
fashioned ways, disdain for refine
lenU and comforts, scorn of wealth
nud all it can bring beyond four meuls
a day and long range liHes, thej are
like the peoplo. who chose iron for
money metal and trained their young
to sleep out of doors. There is no
place for such a peoplo iu modern
civilization yet. Its time will come
when civilization shall ' have bred
weakness aud decay aud grown ripe
for another conquest by rude strength.
1'ho Boers will not lustHill theu. They
havo come too late or too soon.
EACH IN HIS
A Are mist and n planet,
A crystal ntid n cell;
A Jollyllsh nnd n saurian,
And caves whore tho cavemen dwell;
Then asiMiso of law and beauty
And n face turned from tho clod
Home call It Evolution,
And others call It Ood.
A haze, on tho far horizon,
Tho liinnite, tender skv;
The ripe rich tints of tho cornfields,
And the wild gneso sailing high;
And nil over upland nnd lowland
The chann of the golden-rod
Home of us call It Autumn,
And others call It Ood.
"OVI Hon placet,"
' wrote tho red-
L. . headed girl in the
t back of the wide,
. i . i
uuioiig b o u o o I
room. Mr. Har
rison Jenkins, the
-r-- urositlini genius
-rrrrs.T of the place, stood
bl scowling behind
his desk, strug
gling with the
class in Latin. These young boys and
girls, who looked pityingly up to his
dark face, were struggling with the
The lesson had been poorly prepared,
and the issuo of thunderbolts were
soon expected to shower from this
pedagogical Olympus. Atlnstit. came.
Mr. Jenkins brought his fist down
upon the plain do.il board with a thump
that awoke every languid mind in the
room. "Is this what you come to
school for?"ho began, as if addressing
jury. "Is this the way yo:i tisa ono
of the most precious gifts that God has
giveu to you? Hero you are, a whole
class of bright boys and girls, with
bruins enough to do anything you de
sire in this great world, throwing away
tho greatest opportunity of your lives.
If this was nu institution for weak
minded children I would have some
compassion for you. But youi facos
aro all bright and yonr eyes all clear,
nnd yet yon will como to me with stioh
a lesBon as this!" Mr. Jenkins punct
uated every sentence with that echoing
thump on the desk which carriod con
viction and mortification to the minds
of each boy and girl before him.
It was then that the red-headed girl
on the back seat wrote "Jovi non
placet" ("It is not pleasing to Jupi
ter"). Oeraldine Coffin was. Mr. Jenkins'
prido. lie had no favorites; at least,
such never appeared in the little com
monwealth, which he held in the hol
low of his hand. But in Oeraldine he
was intensely interested, and he often
found in her his greatest irritation.
While Mr. Jenkins hold the whole of
his fifty odd young spirits in the hol
low of his hand, the red-headed girl
was the one person he was not quite
sure of. Oeraldine had given him the
name of "Jupiter," and it fitted so
well that it was nt once adopted by all
"When he pounds his desk and that
great shaggy head shakes so, aud his
blue eyes Hash, all you can think of is
Jupiter sending thunderbolts to
earth" and in this remark Geraldine
had christouod him. Many times
he had thought he heard the name
"Jupiter Jenkins" bnt he had never
beou able to capture one of these err
ing mortals. Of oourso, ho knew he
was called-"Jupiter;" ho had been
told so by admiring parents, who
knew he would bo pleased, and he
But it is with tho red-headed girl
that this story is chiefly concerned.
She was tho only human problem that
Jupiter Jenkins could not solve.
Geraldine Coffin had been an inmate
of the schoolroom only a few days
when Mr. Jenkins discovered that she
possessed an unusual uiiud. lie laid
bis plans to make the most he could
of her. He was accustomed to use
the parable of t he talents in the school
room, aud to say that of him to whom
much was given much would be re
quired. The getting of lessons was
an easy matter to Ooraldiue Coffin
She not only learned them, bnt tho
trnths aud principles were digested,
and sunk into her mind, clearly un
derstood aud stored away, until the
day which would call them iu use.
Jupiter Jenkins was accustomed to
say that hardly more than one child
in twenty really digested kuowledge.
Ho had como to complain to Oer
aldiue's mother that her daughter
sometimes failed iu her lessons, aud
that it was inexcusable, iu one who
had auoh a mind. "I have come to
toll you this, Mrs. Coffin, when I
would not take the trouble to inform
another mother, for this reason, aud
this alone: Oeraldiue has an unusual
mind, and she can make anything she
pleases of herself. If she knows you
and I are one iu this matter, she will
not care to trouble us by neglecting to
get her lessons."
Goraldiue's mother was as much
flattered as any other woman would
be, and, of course, Jupiter Jenkius
was upheld. Thus he dealt with Oer
aldine, conscious of his power. He
endeavored to make her fail, "and
whenever Khe did she was compelled to
remain after school aud get her les
sons. But with a wonderful mind there
was a somewhat wayward nature iu
the texture of (ieraldine Coffin's per
sonality. ' She was often rough aud
hoydeuish, aud she caused no end of
trouble. With tie deep interest the
young muster took in her a sense of
power developed. When Mr. Jen
kins supposed he had her solrdly in
his control, there would burst forth a
lit of "don't cure" iu her, w hich as
tonished uud alarmed him.
I.Ike tho tl los on n crescent eon bench,
When tho moon In now and thin,
Into our hearts high yoarntugs
Come welling nud surging In
Cotne from the mystic ocean
Whoso rim no foot has trod
Home of us call It I,onglng,
And others call it (od.
A picket frozen on duty,
A mother starved for lier brood,
Hoeratos drinking tho hemlock,
And Jesus on the rood;
The million who, humble nnd nameless,
The straight, hard pathway trod
Home call It Consecration,
And others call It God.
W. H. Curruth, in Christian Register.
Then the thunderbolts flew to punc-
tnate the master's fluent words of in
dignation. "When one has the
mighty gift of brains," he thundered,
and life s road lies before, to choose
what is best and highest, to be lazy
and languid, and not to reach the arm
to grasp the golden apple of the intel
lectual Hesperides, is the greatest
It was then that Geraldine, her col
or slightly brighter and her head a
trifle higher, would return to her seat
and writo "Jovi non placet" ("It is
not pleasing to Jupiter").
There were certain rare facts about
Geraldine that Jupiter Jenkins, in his
teacher's enthusiasm, had not noticed.
One of these was that she was a very
pretty girl. But it ho had been im
pervious to this fact, there were oth
ers who had not, aud among those
wero some of tho bij boys in the
Geraldine was growing, and she was
now tall nnd lithe of fijurc, with her
big blue eyes clearer aud more ex
pressive as sho looked nt people. The
true soul of n rather dosigniug maid
en was showing forth from them. Sho
was glad to receivo attentions, aud it
smoto Jupiter hard when he observed
that Bhe walked with one aud then with
another in the still and balmy spring
evenings. Just why it smote him as
it did, Mr. Jenkins never know until a
few years later.
But it did, nud Geraldine's face
seemod to have framed itself into the
centre of his thoughts. She recurred
to his consciousness constantly, aud
when ho thought of tkesa big boys he
win truly uncomfortable.
He bad another conference with
Mrs. Coifiu, in which he suggested
that Geraldine had better be kept in
the house and made to give closer at
tention to her lessons. AVhen he
called her in recitations he was also
doiug his best to make the girl fail.
And when she did fail he did his best
to make it uncomfortable for her.
She had to remain after school and
get the whole lesson. Jupiter made
her recite it all "precept upon precept,"
so to speak.
He had conceived the ambition to
make a teacher of the girl. He
broached the subject to Mrs. Cofllu.
"Geraldine," he began, "is cut out to
be a teacher." Mrs. Coffin started in
astonishmeut. "Yes, she is," he af
firmed, with a thunderboit, "and Bhe
ought to bo sent to a normal school.
I never wcut to one, ami what I know
about teaching has been gained by ex
perience. But there is no mistake.
The learning of methods means some
thing in these days, aud I'm sure
that if Geraldino is sent to a normal
school she 4 will make a first-rate
Mrs, Coffin thought it over for a few
days aud theu came to the conclusion
that Mr. Jenkins was right. That was
tho usual conclusion about Mr. Jenkins
iu the little village. The idea was
placed before Geraldine, and when
she heard of Jupiter's proposal she
smiled a smile that made her mother
look at her twice. But Geraldino had
the key to certain kinds of human na
ture which was far beyond her years,
She thought she would like to go, and
it was a great joy. whe i she came to
Jupiter's throne and iu her sweetest
aud calmest manner thanked him for
his kindness aud said she would do
her best to deserve it. That was the
happiest day that Jupiter had ever had
in the school. He did not quite un
derstand it, but there was a singing
heart as noLuenue as tue singing ot a
tea kettle and as soft as a cat's purr,
Geraldine toolc new interest in
school. She tried no more of her
subtle ways to disturb Jupiter, aud
the boys found a change in her which
at once set their former interest at
"riho ain't no more fun," they all
agreed, and they troubled tier no
Gjraldine entered the normal school,
aud passed her preliminary cxaminu
tion with extraordinary success. She
was one of tho three highest out of a
large cluss. The veteran principal of
the school knew human nature at a
glance. He wrote to Jupiter a letter
which confirmed all that worthy had
said about the baliiiug Oeraldine.
When Oeraldine returned at the end
of her first year tho townspeople be
gan to relout in the hurd opinion they
hud entertaiued of her, aud Baw an
other person in the tall aud earnest
young woniuu who had appeared be
forethem. Jupiter Jenkius had ended
his work as schoolmaster iu tho little
seaport town. He had been studying
law, uud was now employing the same
forensic tuleuts he had used before his
schoolroom iu a mure lucrative if not
a higher court. He was "up iu the
city," uud was mukiug a name.
When Oeruldine finished her course
iu the normal school she received tha
highest commendation, and the old
principal happened to find a good
place for her iu the same city w here
Jupiter wus uiukiug his way.
When Oeraldine came into his office
at the end of her first quarter it was
the first intimation that ho had re
ceived of her presence in the city,
Hho said she had come to make a pay
ment, and while she spoke poor Ju
piter was turning all sorts of ruddy
"But I hadn't heard you were here,
Oeraldine," he said; "I have been
thinking of yon, too, wonderiug if I
should hear from yon. Of course I
knew I should. But somehow I can
not get you out of my head, flirl;"
this was punctuated with one of the
old-time thunderbolts. "Fact is,
Oeraldine, I've only just found out
why I treated yon so hard when in
school. And it was simply this 1
loved you! I want yon always; I want
yon to mako me happy, to be my
Geraldine smiled as she raised hoi
face and received the salute from hie
"I knew that was the matter all tne
time," she said. Chicago Record.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
Brandy contains more alcohol than
any other spirits or wine namely,
fifty-four per cent.
Au elephant is possessed of such a
delicate sense of smell, that it can
scent a human being at a distauce of a
In 1000 cases of tho morphine habit
collected from all parts of tho world,
the medical profession oonstitutcs forty
per cent, of the number.
M. Phisalix, the French authority
on the Venoms of insects and reptiles,
has established that the poison of tho
hornet in sufficient quantity renders
one immune to that of tho viper.
It has recently been olaiined that
iron ships fitted with electric plants
suffer rapid deterioration of their
pipes having direot connection witn
tho sea, duo to electrolytic action.
Cloth is now being successfully made
from wood. Strips of fine-grained
wood are boiled and orushed between
rollers, and the filaments, having been
carded into parallel lines, are spun in
to threads, from which cloth can bo
woven in the usual way.
Tin amount of liquid refreshments
taken by a man of seventy years would
equal 70,700 pints, and to bold this a
pail twelve feet high and more than
two thousand five hundred times as
large as au ordinary pail would be re
quired. The woight of the liquid
would bo over forty-two tons.
In the Diesel gas engine, which is
now attracting much attention in Ger
many, the mixture of air and gas
which moves the piston is not sudden
ly exploded, when it takes fire, bnt
burns slowly enough to impart a more
gradual impulse to the engine. A 1000
horse-power motor of this type is
promised for tho Paviu exposition of
At a reoent meeting of the Entomo
logical Society of Washington, some
specimens of chrysopa, a species of
golden-eyed fly, which had been col
lected in the white Mountains, were
exhibited as curiosities, because each
one carried on us back one or more
minute cecidomylid flies. The opinion
was expressed that this was a true case
of a smaller species of insect using a
larger species for tho purpose of loco
motion from plaoo to place.
It is supposed that a Uentauri, ono
of the brightest stars of tho Southern
Hemisphere, is the nearestof the fixed
stars to the earth. The researches on
its parallax by Henderson and Macloar
gave, for its distance from the earth,
in round numbers, twenty billions of
miles. At the ineonceivably rapid
rate at which light is propagated
through space, it would require more
tbaujfour years to reach the earth from
Sir William Turner, speaking at the
meeting in Toronto of the British As
sociation for the Advancement of
Science, said that tho average brain
weight in man is from forty-nine to
fifty ounces. In woman the weight is
from forty-four to forty-five ounces. A
few men, iucludiug the great natural
ist, Cuvier, have had brains exceeding
sixty ounces in weight, but equally
heavy brains have occasionally been
obtained from persons who had shown
no sign of intellectual eminence,
Among infant children the average
brain weight is for girls ten and for
boys 11.07 ounces.
Vlilon Teat, tu School.,
In Philadelphia it has been found
that of about 1500 pupils of the two
highest grammar grades whose eyes
have beou tested nearly half of those
examined have defective vision. Iu
several cases children who were in
structed to wear glasses have shown
the benefit of using these in improved
proficiency in their studie. In some
instances pupils were retarded, un
consciously to themselves, by not be
ing able to distinguish anything writ,
ten upon tho blackboard. One boy,
whose hesitancy iu reading could not
be accouuted for, was found to be
atliieted w ith a difficulty that made
one word uppear as two. Iu special
cases a physician s examination lias
been advised. School Journal.
Women beadles are being thought
of in England. A London writer
says that ho cannot see thut the
"headless" would be of much service
iu keeping riotous schoolboys iu order
or ejecting brawlers from the church,
but for robing t'ao vicar uud the
curates iu the vestry uud decorating
the church she would be of infinite
service. A bouuy, beautiful girl
beadle in picturesque costume aud a
light silver waud would undoubtedly
be both useful uud ornamental at
weddings and iu leading processions.
lll'itUh Ilattlu t'luK..
The names of 105 battles are cm
blazoned ou the standards of the vari
ous regiments which form the British
TAGS ON THEIR FINS.
LETTING MARKED COD LOOSE TO
STUDY THEIR HABITS.
Carloua and Interesting Kxperlenre At
n VnlteU Slate. I'leti llntililnu Sta.
tlon Kaeli Liberated Ftati Kwlm In
the Atlantic With a Metal Tag Attached
Acoording to the Boston Globe an
experiment which is being viewed
with the keenest interest by the iisn
ormen along the Atlnutio coast is now
being carriod on at the United States
fish hatchiug station at Woods Hull,
Mass., under tho supervision of Com
missioner J. J. Brice.
For years and ever since the estab
lishment of a nsh hatching station at
Woods Holl continuous obsorvntions
have been made through tho yenr iu
reference to the habits, abundance
and movements of the important
fishes of tho New England coast.
At this station, as at all others, the
product has been from time to time
seriously affected by tho presence of
parasitic nuimnls and diseases peculiar
to the fiuny tribes. Of the food fish,
the cod has suffered much from the
parasite nuimals ns ntiy food fish
propagated at this station.
The cases have beeu given careful
study by scientists, and investigations
carried on on nu extensive scale. The
results of the investigations havo beeu
most gratifying to nil concerned, nnd
it is evidently tho intention of the
government tojmnkethis station tin
most important ono ou tho Atlantic
coast, utilizing the excellent facilities
here offered to the fullest extent.
With a view to securing more defi
nite information regarding some im
portant points concerning the cod the
Commission have begun to turn loose
in the waters of Vineyard sound sev
eral hundred cod, which in weight
vary from pix to twenty pounds. Tho
fish were procured from the fishermen
in the vicinity and stripped of thoir
spawn at this station.
Before being released, n numbered
tag is fastened to each of the fish.
The tag is a small piece of copper or
tin, and is securely fastened by cop
per wire to tho dorsal, aual or caudal
Commissioner Brico has issued cir
culars and sent them to tho fishermen
and dealers, urgently requesting them
that when a cod having such a tag
comes into thoir hands, to remove the
tag and forward it to the United States
Fish Commission, either at Washing
ton or nt Woods Holl. The Conimis
eiuii fto request that tho following
information concerning tho fish bo
Bent to them:
Date when caught, on what gronnds
taken, weight before being dressed,
total length from end of nose to end
of tail, whether male or female, and
whether eggs or milt were ripe, large,
but not ripe, or immature; also, tho
position of the tag.
This inquiry will, it is expected,
prove of practical interest, by show
ing, among other things, tho rnto of
growth of the cod, the frequency of
its spawning, and the extent to which
the individual fish migrate, nud the
assistance of tho general public, in
fishing towns is asked iu order to
make the experiment fully successful.
Among the fish thus far liberated
are soveral that tipped the scales at
over a dozen pounds. As soon as they
were tagged they were put into a big
tank and taken far out into tho sound
aud released. The process of tagging
those fish is quite interesting and ro-
quires the services of two Bkilled op
orators. A small holo is 'made
through tho dorsal, anal or caudal
fins, through which a small copper
wire is passed. To this wire aro at
tached tho tags, which are about ono
inch in length, one-half inch iu width
and about the thickness of writing
paper. The numbers are stamped iu
the middle. A record of the fish re
leased is kept in a book especially do
signed for that purpose.
He Wanted S.l.l.O IO.
The followiug letter was recently re
ceived by the Commissioner of Pen
"Cormishner I hoop you wonto
take know offence a ganst me no think
hard of me (sor). I dout do this nor
to iusilt you, my dear friend. Sor I
am know solgor in tho v.arcr. I uiver
was in eny rigiment uud all I cluuie
my pencion is my gun bote putcu
(patent) which god handed down ia a
vishun to me from hcvun all jiutcd
upp. God dideut doo this for my
iugre (injury) nor god never does eny
thing wrong. My gun bote paten
goot burnt when my house burnt w hen
my houso burnt. Please scud me a
check for $33,0l)J." Washington Star.
Hair Know White In a Milit.
Instances are numerous of a per
son's huir turning white iu a few hours
through fright, but cases like that of
Robert F. Noway, of New York, are
not so common; in fuct, ure exceed
ingly rare. When Noway awoke one
morning recently he wus surprised ou
looking iu the glass to find that his
hair, which had been dark brown the
night before, had turned to snow
white while ho ha 1 slept. He con
sulted a doctor, but the latter could
give no explanation of the struuge
occurrence. Noway has felt no
physical ill effects from tho sudden
A I.ueky I'ui-Mttn.
In Louisville, Ky., recently a clergy
muu who was culled upon by u frieud
to perform the ceremony ut his wed
ding refused because bo wus iu love
with the girl himself. The girl over
heard the statement, dismissed her be
trothed aud married the pardon.
Tleketa I. Ike Carriages.
On the stage railways iu Germany
the carriages are puiuted according to
the colors of the tickets of their re
spective classes. First-class cau iages
are puiuted yellow, beooud-cluss green
aud third-class white.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES TOLD BY 1 HE FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
The !renm That Falleil The Modern fill!
In Doubt rhUosttphy Dnulilo
Killed Decidedly. Not Another Clil.
neso Coiuilleatlnn An Kxplnnntlnn.
I dreamed n beautiful tlrenn last night,"
The bashful young mnu said;
'And I wander If you can guess It aright, "
And ho blushed a rosy red.
"Dreams nre thing I never could guess,"
1 no neautlliil muld Hid reply.
"I dreamed to n question you nnswered
Ho said with a deep-drawn sigh.
"Well, you aro nwarn, no doubt," said she,
"That dreams by contraries go;
Ho, should you that question ask of mo.
My answer will surely be no."
Gladys "Do you thiuk Charley
May "I can't tell yet; but I'm
afraid ho only mean poetry." Puck.
First Boarder "This chicken is
not the most tender fowl in the world."
Second Boarder "No; however,
the quality reconciles ono to the quan
Old Maxim Applied.
Van Lushe "Drunkenness is a
vico I have the utmost contempt for."
Miss Cutting "Yes, familiarity
does breed contempt, doesn't it."
The Modern (llrl.
you think the modern
needs a chaperon?"
"Not always; but I think the chap
eron generally needs a modern girl
along." Kansas City Times.
Stranger "Were you to tho revival
mooting last night?"
Uncle EpU "Yes, sah. Do minis
ter done talk so much it took half an
hour to revive me." New York Jour
nal. Another Chinese Complication.
Brown (reading tho news from
China) "How would you pronounce
Jones "Liao-Tung? I guess you
don't pronounce that you vodel it."
Elmer "Pa," why do they call the
end of school 'commencement?'"
Professor Broadhead "Beoauso it
is tho time when the student com
mences to forgot everything ho has
learned. New York Journal.
"What is an 'agfaressivo policy,'
"Well, it is a policy which makes a
mau so mad that he wants to light,
but which scares him so that he doesn't
dare to." Detroit Froe Press.
Jasper "What do you think How
ells meant when he spoke about ono
of his characters being a hen minded
Jumptippo "Oh, I guoss ho meant
that she never thought about anything
except her own sot. Judge.
All Ill-Clioaell Time.
"Whon I proposed sho could not
say a word iu reply, said Hpykes to
his friend Spokes.
"Her heart was too full for ntteruuco,
"No, it was her mouth which was
too full. I proposed ut the dinner
"This year's wheel may be chain
less," remarked the observaut board
er, "but "
"But," added tho cross-eyed board
er, before tho other man could finish
his Konlonco, "this year's L. A. W.
politics is not cliiuloss." Pittsburg
The Fiance "Forgive me, Miner
va! I admit that I was wrong."
The Fiancee "O, Emerson! I am
The Fiunco "Yes, darling. I re
alize that I was very hasty in anyiug
what I did concerning the manners
ami customs of tho curly Assyrians."
"Papa," said the boy, "when you
say iu your advertisement that your
goods ure acknowledged by oonnais
seurs to be the best," what do you
mean by couuaisHuurs?"
"A connaisscur, my boy." answered
tho grert manufacturer, "ia au eini
uont authority au authority, iu
short, who admits that our goods ure
the best." Puck.
"Give mo tho man who sings nt
his work!" exclaimed tho cheery citi
zen. "He is the person whoso tem
perament has my sympathy und np
proval, every time."
"Yes," replied Mr. Bitters, "I don't
object to the man who sings ut his
work, so long us ho confines himself to
that. Whut uunoys me is to have him
como in and insist on singing ut my
work." Washington Star.
"Here's n queer case," she said
looking up from the newspaper.
"Is it?" he ictiiriiel, for ho was
not feeling in particularly good humor
uud diil: 't care who knew it.
"Yes, it is," she ret lied. "It's a
case where a bride was given as u ger
"Bather a stretch of tho Anamina
tion to call it a favor, I should thiuk,"
Of course she pjot even with him
after they always do; but this is not a
continued story. Chicago Evening
LOVE AND THE BICYCLE.
"When balmy breer.ej blow, dear,
Aeross tho meadows green.
And fragrant flowers grow, dear,
Where now the snow Is seen,
A-throtigh tho happy land, dear.
We'll happy-lienrtcd go,
Tivo lovers, hand In hand, dear.
When balmy breer.es blow."
"When balmy brcer.es blow, dear,
I'll have a ehalnlesn bike.
And you can hardly go, dear,
The rapid pa I 11 strike;
If love you truly fee), dear.
You mustn't be so slow;
l!ra"e up and get a wheel, dear.
When bahuy breezes blow."
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
"How can a man tell when ho is
really in love?" "Well a mnu is
really in love when ho thinks he
doesn't eat or sleep." ruck.
She "You never think of me whl
you nre staying out so late." He
"My dear, that's one reason I stay
out so late." Tndianapo'iia Journal.
"It's hahd,"said Uncle Eben, "fob
or until ter excuse a boy fob bein' as
foolish at eighteen yens ob age as he
wall hisse'f nt two.ily-tive." Wash
"Stickenloopcr gets his mouoy's
worth whenever ho buys a newspaper.''
"Iu what way?" "He can read any
joko four times beforo he sees the
Count Spagetti "I havo como to
ask for your daughter's hand in mar
riage. I love her." Mr. Common
Btock "But what makos you thiuk I
"What's tho differenco between
wages and boodle?" "Well, wages is
money a man earns and sometimes
doesn't get; but boodle is what a man
gets and doesn't earn." Detroit Freo
Editor "I cannot consider yonr
contribution ; you have no reputation."
Poet "Ah?" Editor "Yes; go aud
impose on two or three lesser editors,
and then I'll talk with you." Detroit
"Fearful destitution up at the Klon
dike," jaid Biggs. "Awful!" re
turned Wiubleton. "I'm told that a
wooden-legged man up there had to
chop his leg up into toothpicks."
"I believes," said Uncle Ehep,
"dat de human race would be con
sid'able wiser an' happier ef you could
git 'om to follor un alignment as easy
ns you kin git 'em to follor a circus
puhcession." Washington Star.
"One big troiiblo 'bout runnin' dis
hero world," said Undo Eben, "ia
dat it's de man who hones'ly realizes
de fuU iniportunco ob a responsibility
dat is mos' likely to be a little shy ob
ncceptin' it." Washington Star.
Frieud "Poetry is a drug on tho
market, isn't it?" Poet "I should
say nut!" Friend "Then I am misin
formed." Poet "Your informaut
probably never tried to sell poetry or
buy drugs." Buffalo Commerical.
"Mr. Showman," said an inquiring
individual at the menagerie, "can the
leopard change his spots?" "Yes, sir,"
replied tho individual who stirs up
tho wild beasts; "whon ho is tired of
one spot he goes to another." Tit
Bits. First Arctic explorer "I havo al
ways considered Columbus a some
what over estimated man." Second
Arctic explorer "Why?" First Arctic
explorer "Ho discovered America
tho first time he went to look for it."
Usher "Complaint is beiug made
as to that bonnet iu tho third box."
Manager "What's the matter with
it?" Usher "Several ladies on the
opposite side of the Louse claim it is
so swell they can't see the stage."
"This co flee, my dear," said Kiekles,
"reminds mo of what mother used to
make." "l)oos it really?" exclaimed
his wife, a pleased look coming into
her face. "Yes; ami she used to
make about tho worst coffee I ever
drank." Boston Traveler.
Mrs. O.eeu "What bud-behaved
children those are of the Brigg's! It
was disgraceful the way they fought
over tho last piece of cuke at tho table
lust evening.',' Mrs. Browne "That's
queer. My children never begin
qunrroliug till the last piece is gone."
"No," said the rich old buchclor,
"I never ci uld find to marry."
"Well," replied t'uo young woman
with the sharp tongue, "I um not
surprised to hear you t-ay so. It
certainly would havo tuken a good
wLilo to persuade any girl to have
you." New Orleans Times-Democrat.
Great Picture-buyer (to hostess)
"What do you thiuk of uu artist whe
paintel cobwebs on the ceiliug so
truthfully that the servant wore herself
into un attack of nervous prostiut o I
trying to sweep themdowu?" Hobtesii
(a woman of experience! "There may
have beou such uu artist, but there
never wus such a servant." Tit-Bits.
A determined effort has been made
iu tho legislative council of New Ze
laud, which is tho Senate of the Colo
ny, to carry au old-age pensiou bill,
the object id which was totfivea small
iiunual grunt to the poorest classes ol
the population who have arrived at tho
ago of seventy without requiring uny
contributions ' from them. But the
bill i defeatel by twenty votes to
fifteen, lis it was felt that the scheme
should consist of coiitrihutious by th
beiioliciurics aided by u Government
subs idy for some yeai i before the age
limit is reached. New York Commer
I'a.v of Ai-toi- In CUoia.
In China u company of thirty actors
can be engaged for ,Sli to pluy as
inaiiv pieces as may ho desired for two
uyi ut a airetch.