Newspaper Page Text
APRIL 1. 1919
THE NATIONAL DAILY
Res. D. S. Pato. Ofnce.
ARTHUR BRISBANE. Editor and Owner
EDGAR D. SHAW. Publisher .. .nB
itered as eecond class matter at the I'oatofnce at U ashington.
fuDiished Every Kvening uncmumK "u;' - . .
? Washington Times Company, Munsey Bldg., Pennsylvania Aye
i Subscriptions: 1 year (Inc. Sundays). $7.50: 3 Months. $1.05; 1 Month. 05c
A Modern "Roman Triumph"
Much of the Color Gone, But Still Interesting.
Four German submarines are on their way to the United
ates. They are not coming as the captain of the Deutsch
ad did, to startle us with German efficiency. They are
:t coming to take back gold, or to blow up ships along
They are coming, convoyed by United States warships.
Iven up by Germany, turned over to the United States,
ey are brought here, and will appear in the harbor of
3W York and in the Hudson river as a sort of triumphal
ocession, convincing evidence that the war is over, AND
The little boats that travel below, and kill unseen, will
8 shown on the surface, with conning towers and torpedo
ubes visible. They may be sent to other cities to be seen.
And this is a feeble, rather colorless remainder of what
n ancient Roman days would have been a great "military
If this war had been fought two thousand years ago
you would have seen a triumphal march up Broadway, such
is Rome saw when Caesar came back from Gaul, bringing
mth him Vercingetorix, the courageous French chieftain.
You would have seen Pershing or perhaps Woodrow Wil
son, if the latter decided to keep the triumph for himself,
driving up in a war chariot, with a little short skirt hang
ing down from his waist, his legs bare, gold sandals on his
feet, his chest would be uncovered to show the wounds. He
would wear a crown of laurel, his horses would prance,
and he would look the stern, pale, war-worn hero.
Behind him, fastened to his war chariot, would come
the Kaiser and the Crown Prince in chains, dragged along
tie streets; farther on would come wagons loaded with
spoils, gold, precious stones, pictures, statues, anything
that could be picked up and carried away.
After the procession the hero would have great fetes in
his honor, men killed in the arena, perhaps a real naval
battle, with ships sunk and many killed. There would be
free distribution of bread, and wine to the mob, etc., etc.
Luckily the world progresses, slowly, -still nations go
to war, still kill.
But our military triumph shows little iron boats
dragged across the ocean, to show "Who's Who." Even
if we had actually caught the Kaiser and his son, every
American would think it ridiculous to drag them up Broad
way with chains hanging from them.
We haven't got rid of international killing, but we
HAVE got rid of some international foolishness, for which
the Lord be praised. The policeman, not Caesar, drags the
criminal to jaiL LAW is emperor, LAW triumphs, and
that is modern progress.
What IS Real Money?
Borrowed From Jones, It Is Real. Printed By the
Government, It Is "Fiat"
The government of Jamaica, down near the canal, needs
money. So does everybody else. Jamaica has decided to
PRINT the money. It starts off with $750,000 in paper.
This is called "wild cat" finance. Here when the
Government wants money, it asks the people to please buy
bonds. The people buy the bonds, rake and scrape, as they
should do, being patriotic.
Bonds are printed and are handed to the people in
return for their money. Then the banks that get the bonds,
may take those bonds to the Federal Reserve Bank, and
the reserve bank will print money for them just as they
are printing money in Jamaica, and lend the printed money
to the banks taking Government bonds as security for Gov
ernment paper money.
We are paying our bills with the printed money of the
Federal Reserve, it is perfectly good money. There is a
great deal more such money, of course, than there is gold
in the United States, that doesn't make .any difference.
Uncle Sam's credit is good and would be good, if he did not
have five dollars' worth of gold in the world.
The statesmen, political economists, and students of
finance will give you a thousand reasons why it would never
do for the Government to print money that it needs, and
issue it, explaining that it is a first mortgage on the United
States of America, just as bonds are, and use it for money
at par in payment of all debts, public and private, WITH
OUT the payment of any interest by the Government.
If you should suggest that you would be told first of
all that it was "fiat money," and "fiat monev" is some
thing very terrible. The Federel Reserve banks will take!
me note 01 a mercna.ru,, wish one or two names on tne back i
cf it, and issue money on THAT, and that is perfectly
good money. The ordinary little man does not under-1
stand why the note of the Government of the United
States, with Uncle Sam's name on the back of it, wouldn't
be perfectly good money also, without going through the
form of borrowing it from Smith, Jones, Robinson, and
printing the money later. If the Government's promise to
pay is good in one form, why not in another?
There is no doubt that the Government could dispose
v (Continued in Last Column.)
.. ll Cnrlni flV
ArRlL 1. 1919.
ll Miff))! BSvi'" u -""' tUEBflSr di- S I
iBRw .-' INK -:
Beatrice Fairfax Writes of the Problems and Pitfalls of the War Workers
Especially for Washington Women
THERE comes a dav in the life
of every bachelor when he
stops to think about his
mistakes of omission and commis
sion and he becomes a bit uneasy
in his mind.
The time for these reflections is
apt to be the chill morning hour
when he is sparring with the razor
for the stubble at the left of his
right ear. And the young day
shows up every wrinkle not to
mention a budding second chin.
And the bachelor thinks about
the girl he did not marry, and who
eventually married his best friend.
At the time of their wedding, the
bachelor was not a little proud
that he had escaped the noose, and
his feelings, as he threw handfuls
of rice after the departing pair,
were the congratulatory emotions
of a man whose single racer has
just escaped a collision on the high
He liked the girl immensely, but
long ago a certain couplet of Rud
yard Kipling had made a deep im
pression on his mind, and he had
made it the first article of his
"Down to Gehenna, or up to the
He travels the fastest who travels
So he had steeled his heart
against what he was pleased to re
gard as her "feminine tricks." He
had not been averse to a well
regulated flirtation, in fact, he
was not a little proud of his
strategic skill, in that direction.
He had enjoyed love-making after
a fashion, but he had not wanted
to be taker, seriously as a love
maker. And not for a moment did
he want to be regarded in the light
of a possible husband.
Evading the Matrimonial Trap.
For him the art of life is to have
as much social distraction as pos
sible, without getting caught in
what he regards as the matri
monial trap. So when the girl
married his best friend, he did
the handsome thing in the way
of a wedding present and congrat
ulated himself on bearing a charm
And he continued to quote the
Kipling couplet, about the speed
with which a young man reaches
the success goal if he travels
But when he paused to take
stock of himself, from time to
time, he is amazed to discover
that he is no nearer to success
than when he first committed to
memory the two Kiplincr lines.
Raking hiB chin in the chill light
of a sprinr morning, he mcnlls
that the friend who married HIS
gijl has traveled a good deal
farther ah'"d. Friend Benedict
has developed into ? very sub
stantial citizen, with an excellent
Everybody Gets April Fooled
h'ifr Mi TowiT
fi j -m II IJ" ' ' i TJ .I , f f f t f ff fff ) r r i I si i p i , jr i
WHEN A BACHELOR
Bradstreet rating, and an ex
pensive hobby or two on the Bide,
like picture and rug collecting.
And the bachelor, still shaving,
and deciding that the lines about
his mouth have developed into a
very deep pair of parenthesis, in
deed, remembers hearing some one
sav that his friend owed much of
his success to his wife, who was
a wonderful manager and had
great social gifts, besides.
And he is conscious of a sort
of defrauded feeling as he looks
back through the vista of many
hollow years, in the raw light of
an early spring morning. Years
that he hus spent as d "profes
sional bachelor," regarding all
women with a distrustful eye, and
making them understand, in a
hundred little ways, that while he
is willing to do the right thing in
flowers, candy, and theater
tickets, he is first, last, and all
the time, matrimonially immune.
For the "professional bachelor"
Hffers in kind from tho bachelor-by-accident,
or the br. helor-bv-necessity.
The "P. B." is not, as
we say. "susceptible," and conceiv
ing every woman to bo a husband
hunter, ho sees to It that sho
knows immediately upon Introduc
Smokr--Toutic ..n-n a Hobrew Awioeia
llon. Jowl.h WHfare Hoard. Eleventh
trt and I'ennaylvanla avenue northwest,
IJtfrary propram Dunbar and Ann
ul rnnr HlKh nchoofs. Metropolitan A. M
E rhurch. 8 p. m.
Film exhibition "Fit to Win." official
film of thr United States Public Health
Service, h-forn National Capital Dental
Sw'-ty, :?T li Btreet northwest. 8 p. in
Tea Wlnthrop Club will entertain
alumnae and former student of Wlnthrop
O.lleRe. It:: 1 street northwest. 5 to 6
Meetlnc- Florida State Society. Wilson
Normal S- hool. Eleventh and Harvard
streets northwest. 8 p. mi lira. Smltn
Oordon will speak.
MentlnB Tho Columbia IlelRhts Citizens'
Arsorlatlon. St. Stephen's Hall, 3017 Four
teenth street northwest. K p m.
College students' nltht Presentation of
"My Nw Curatu." by Oonztca College
Players, in College Theater. North Capitol
and I streets northwest. 8-15 p. in Direc
tion of tho Rev. J. Charles Davey, S. J.,
vice president of tho college.
MeetlnK Citlzenu of Massachusetts o
form Massachusetts State Society, Wilson
Normal School. 8 p. m. Charles S. Ham
lin will pr-lde
Fellowship supper New members of the
Y M. C. A. special Kuests at supper in
assembly room of Central Y. M. C. A., 17-lC
G street northwest. 6 p. m.
Meeting Carroll Council of the Knights
of Columbus. St. Mary'a Hall. 721 Fifth
street northwest, 8 p. m. Rov. Dr. Petr
J. Gullday, Frank J. Hogan, and George
S DeNeale. will speak.
Meeting Conduit Uoad Citizens' Associa
tion. St. Davis' Parish Hall, Conduit road
near Nebraska avenue, 8 p. m.
I.eture Dr. George H. Ashley, 'The
Evolution of Society." lobby of Central Y.
M. C. A.. 1736 G street northwest, 7:30 p.
m. Men are invited.
Neighborhood meetings Congregational
STOPS TO THINK!
tion that his motto Is: "Hands
Jfc Longer Regarded as Eligible.
Well, our friend the "profes
sional bachelor," has escaped them
all, and he Is now in the early
forties and mother no longer re
gard him as an eligible party. He
still dances, and ie is still a de
sirable dinner guest, but he no
longer causes flutterings he is
out of the running.
And still, curiously enough, he is
as far away from that great goal
of success as he was when he had
just left college and quoted so
gayly: "Down to Gehenna," etc.
Other fellows, less prudent, who
took chances and got married
seemed to have traveled a good
deal further along the high road
to success. And suddenly it begins
to dawn on our crafty friend that
a wife is an asset rather than a
liability. And that this traveling
alone business is a delusion, and
an expensive delusion. And by tho
time one has finished keeping up
one's position as a "professional
oacneior mere is mighty little
left in the bank.
And that women, apart from
churches at the Mount Pleasant Congrega
tional Church, 7 30 j m
Address Senator lttt-hcock of Nebras
ka lefore Commercial Club at semi-monthly
"club night" on "I.eagu of Nations."
6:45 p m General illvcussion of the sub
ject will follow his addrrsf
Meeting Friends of Irish Independence
movement, 610 Ninth stn-et northwest.
5:30 p. m
Meeting Tho Florida State Society. Wil
son Normal School. Eleventh and Harvard
streets northwest. :30 p m. Senator Dun
can V. Fletcher will preside
Demonstration J. W Klnghorne on
"Preserving Eggs In Water GlasV and ex
hibit of farm product, room SO, old Na
tional Museum. Ninth and U streots south
west, 2:30 p m.
Meeting Washington Alumnnn chapter
of Chi Omega. 2024 G Btreet northwest. 8
p. m. All Chi Omegas in the city Invited.
Dinner Georgia Tech Alumni Club.
Cushman'a Cafe, " p. m. All form-- Tech
Meeting Tho Oldest Inhabitants' Asso
ciation oC the District, Union Engine
House. Nineteenth and II streets north
west, 7-30 p m
Mefltlng Wushlngton Chapter of the
Kappa Alpha Tlietu Sorority, lie no of Mrs.
B H. Meyer, Highland Manor, in Wiscon
sin av.-nue, in
Meeting llr-- torn ? th. Chamber of
Common-, regular mor.tMy meeting, CU
Twelfth street north went, t p. m
Address c. K DrayT. national secre
tary of th American Association of En
gineers, "Compensation and Recognition
or the Eng -eirs," K. of P. Hall, 101 Ninth
street northwest, S p. in.
Meeting Hoard of Education, Franklin
School, 4:30 p. m.
Concert If. S Soldiers' Home Band.
Stanley Hail. 6:15 p. m.. direction of John
S. M Zlmmermann.
Lecture Last of aeries of talks on
"Clothlnr." Arts and Industries Building.
Ninth and B streets southwest, 2:30 p. m.
their malign gifts as sirens, De
Hahs and temptresses, generally
speaking, have quite extraordinary
ability in managing a man's affairs
and raking chestnuts out of the
fire for him, when his own hands
are quite too clumsy for the busi
ness. And that all said and done,
being yoked to one woman is really
more satisfactory than philander
ing about with a dozen.
Hitching Post Better Than a Loose
By this time our friend "the
professional bachelor" has finished
shaving, and noted with alarm
that in addition to the wrinkles,
his hair is getting quite thin on
the temples, and that nobody
really loves him. And he wishes,
with all his selfish, ossified old
heart, that he had never heard of
Rudyard Kipling and that silly rot
about: "Down to Gehenna,
Then joyously, he remembers, as
an antidote, that someone else has
said: "A hitching post is much
better than a loose rein." And
with this in mind, the "P. B."
rushes off and marries in a panic
the first woman who will accept
And every one wonders why,
ana uic answer is tne effect 01
the chill light of a spring morning
on his noble countenance as he
Questions and Answers.
Kyr Tell Volume.
DEAR MIPS FAIRFAX
Thprc Is a cortaln younp man that
I know is desperately In love with
mc Ho Is pood looking, of a flno
family, and has a nne Income, but
he Is terribly bashful.
He has never spoken one word of
love to me, but his wonderful eyes
I have Riven him rhanre after
chance, ami hint after hint anil can
see ho was dylnjc to propose, but
that terrible bashfulness.
The question I would ask ,is
should I propose to r im myself or
wait about five years longer for hl.n
to get up the nerve? Do you think
It would be forward or unladylike
to propose to him? I do not mean
that he Is a coward. Far from It.
Only bashful. L. S.
It is rather a dangerous busi
ness, it would seem, proposing to
young men who go about with
volumes in their eyes. A similar
case I happened to know of, where
the girl did propose she was greet
ed by profound apologies and utter
abasement, but really he hadn't
meant anything in fact, there was
some one else.
It would aeem these young men
who carry about libraries In their
eyes are not to be depended on
Bomatimes, alas, they are show
libraries, not the lending sort.
Those Union Station Traffic Rules
Look Out That They Do Not Play Too Far Into the Hand of a
Monopoly To the Detriment of the Independent Snail Maa.
Just as I expected, the activities of the authorities in
trying to aid traffic conditions at the Union Station have
resulted in the criticism that the police are aiding a
monopoly to the detriment of the independent cab driver
and sometimes to the detriment of the traveling public
I At the Union Station a private tasicab corporation is
allowed special privilege on private property. The company
! owning the Union Station, against which the District of
voiumDia nas now a suit for thousands of dollars for unpaid
taxes, gives a special concession to a taxicab company, and
takes delight in co-operating with the police in any fcfad
of traffic regulations which will drive the independent,
cheaper, and competing taxicab man away from the Union
Here is one of three letters I have received concerning
I came In from N. T. twice re
cently and found that at the taxi
place at Union Station there Is a man
shooing: away the jitneys, hackers,
and all public autoa except those of
the taxi company which has a stand
(booth) there. I waited upon both
occasions, tired, dirty, hungry,
onxlous to tret home, not caring: a
darn what sort of a machine Z got,
with none of the Company's machines
on hand, and not allowed to take any
other because the man who thinks
The traffic at the Union Station and at the Willard
Hotel should be made safe. I thoroughly agree with the
police on the subject of safety in traffic matters, but in
order to give the, public all it wants and to avoid playing
too far into the hands of the terminal comnanv vrhlnh a
the District of Columbia many thousands of dollars in
taxes, I would suggest that our competent District officials
read the letter I have reproduced here and bear in mind
that it is an expression of opinion similar to that heard
from many other sources."
H EARD AND SEEN
April Fool! It's only Winter.
That booklet Swartzdl, Rheem
and Hensejf have sent around m
commemoration of the fiftieth year
of the concern is one of the most in
teresting viectz of Washington
literature I have seen for a long
Went in to see ED McQUADE at
the Liberty Savings Bank the other
day to ask him when the bank was
goins: to move to its new place on
15th and I streets. I learn the move
will be rushed.
While I was in there GEORGE
WALSON, the president, confided to
me that once upon a time he was
the editor and publisher of the Ana
costia "Herald" (I believe that was
the name of the paper) t and. that J.
Adam Bede wrote for it and even
tually took it over.
The Washington Chapter of the
American Institute of Banking
(great name that), of which Friend
McOnade is nresident, is about to
hold its annual dinner. You should
pay strict attention to the way they
start out their announcement:
"Owing to war conditions
which demanded the utmost
conservation of food and energy
Washington Chapter omitted
from its program for the year
1918 its annual dinner. Condi
tions having changed during the
past few months the Board of
Governors has now decided to
resume this popular event and
to hold this year's dinner at the
New Willard Hotel on Satur
day evening, April 12th, at 7
You will note that these bankers
conserved so much food by NOT giv
ing their dinner that the war was
won, and now by jfminy crickets
they are going to make up for lost
You can bet your last cent that
is going to be a dinner worth attend
ing. Inasmuch as VIC DEYBEB is
chairman of the dinner committee
vou can rest assured that Mr. Dey
ber at least will have all HE can
And for speakers "we will have
with us" FRANK J. HOGAN. one of
our rising young barristers: Rev.
JAMES L. GORDON, and JUDGE
There's bunch of talkers for you!
Bill Smoot's in Again.
CHARLIE GREEN, of South
Washington, continues to scrutinize
all one $ bilto coming his way. I
wonder If The Times spendthrift.
Geo. Donohoe, who Is also famous
for just getting them one $ bills
What IS Real Money?
(Continued from First Column.)
very well and without depreciation of six or seven bil
lion dollars' worth of VICTORY MONEY printed with the
statement that the Government of the United States stands
back of it, that it will be accepted by all the citizens for
No such money will be issued, financiers need not
worry, but it does no harm for the little people to specu
late about it, and wonder why it is that the Government,
which owns the entire United States, must borrow the
money that it needs from the little individuals living in the
United States, and worth not a nickel except as the Gov
ernment protects them in possession of what they think
he owns the taxi privilege at Taloa
Station would not let one of these
machines not owned by the Company
pick me up.
Is this a matter for you. or Brlea
Classett, or Ray Pullman, or the
Public Utilities Commission, or for
the chairman of the Voteless Wash
ington Committee, or for all of yeut
Turn on the light on this! I am
tired of- being Imposed on in this
town. I want to ride out of a public
railroad station in anything-1 choose.
A DISCONCERTED PRD3ND.
CHANGED remembers when some
Gent from The Times used to dis
tribute Black Arrows in variooa sec
tions of the city? If yon found oae
of them Arrows and took it ap to
The Times office, you'd get a nice
little wad of kale, for it WelL I
came mighty near finding one of
the Arrows. I got out of bed about
four A. M. oa the morning the arrow
was hid In our section and I was a
witness to another searcher wh
pulled that Aroow from behind a
sign that was tacked up oa Pat
Daly's saloon at 4 and P sts. It
was Just about this time of the year,
as well as I can wmumtm. , t
seems to me that the sign had a goat
uu w wo, oux. 1 aon't thins: it was
the same goat that Mr. Donohoe
USed In his recent Ktnrrr TT! 4r..
bet Mr. Donohoe a pound of good
coffee that that goat looked powerful
good to Mike and Pat when thsy
each COt to thft onrl rt that -trUt
ditch. Whatcha say boss? How
many yo want, go Tiead roun In de
ally- BILL 8MOOT,
of Maddoz Creek.
A letter arrived in Washington
the other day from Europe.
It was addressed
Call Me Henry
Washington D. C
It was immediately and without
delay delivered to Hewrw Tjn.
burgh, for whom it was intended,
Henry's popular abroad. Ha 65d
a whole lot of work for soldiers
while they were in camp here and
now they are abroad they dost
Recently many cartoons hew
been drawn and many jokes made
about the dry amendment working
both ways making the professionsl
prohibitionist losing his job. Not
so, however. He wQl form a soci
ety for the suppression of smok
ing and chewing tobacco. He does
not lose his job. Let us hope that
he does not have as much success
in this new move as in the last. I
thought that maybe, if yon printed
this in your column, that some car
toonist might see it and give the
idea some thought.
When Finished With Mike and Pat
Pat and Mike both served time m
a training camp so please do not
have them dig any more ditches.
Here's one for your column:
A man buys one hundred (100)
cows, sheep and chickens, for $100.
He pays ten ($10) dollars each for
the cows, two and one-half ($2.50)
dollars each for the sheep, and one
half (.50) dollar each for the
chickens. How many of each did he
buy? A READER.