Newspaper Page Text
Extracts from one of "Jones,"
Humorous Letters.
?
"Jona" of tlio Union-Herald tookia
trip up tlio couulry a short time ago.
At tho dopot in Columbia, he says ho
"met a patriot.".
"He was a fine specimen of tho deco
rum tribe. Out at tho elbow, so edy,
' and unkempt, with a deliberate indepeu
denee that amounted to iinpudouce, he
looked like that pusilluuimous financial
cuss, "an a ppropriation exhausted," or
like a public officer who has done hi?
duty and proposes to do it again at tho
same price. There was something in
the fellow. His threadbare black coat
K?s buttoned up tight enough to keep
. .it on, and, having a fow moments befoijc
thet ;n pursued its mad career, I 'ap
preached him. Ho was too poor to do
anybody reverence,aB Shakspeuro says,
and did not seem to bo the least alarmed
at my advances. Indeed my advances
to thj^ividly' poor,
EXCEPT WIDOWS,
had never alarmod them?a beautifu
idiosyncraoy which has always stood .
out in bold relief?relief of nobody?in
ray character for centuries, ne receiv
ed me, pleasantly. Sir, said I, your
? name, residouce and business, if you '
gjease? Said he : Sir, I am a native
by bjrth, a patriot by profession, but as
a pcri\iaucu^ hoarder I am not a pecu
niary suc?ess- What's that, said I ; is
it anything^0 a governor, or an at
torney-general; or a Btat0 treasurer, or
EVEN JUSTICE?
Oh, no, says he, ? Patriot w 000
knows how sweet,UjMd bonorablo it is to
die for one's coun"1'^' and>bo 80 ?vos
that when ho dieaa?veryboJJ* oan see be
does it for his eo,uutr^'a 8oodi a raun>
- 911, ???.?,-..?.. . >] piOiUlO tt.lSl'.tAliluu t>/
jiublie office in these radical days, but
who prefers public office to anything
dse."
On tin traiu "Joues" met Judge
Cookc. He says:
Everybody in the up-country knows
Judge Cook, and all who know him
like him. On tho bench he is dignified
courteous, learned in the law, and eu
tirely impartial in its administration.
Off the bench he is synply Mr. Cooke,
full of all the amenities of life aud all
the rich virtues of a nature overflowing
Kith generosity and good homor. II e
never forgets a friend, and rarely for
\ gives ftn enemy. Strong in all his purpo
FEARLESS AND RESOLUTE,
ho is recognized every where as an effi
cient public, officer, lie was then on
his way to hold court at Anderson, lit
tie dreaming ol the awful catastrophe
that then and thero overwhelmed bis.
juries. Sinco the death of Judge
Graham be is known ns tho big judge
I weighing in his stocking feet nearly
fcL 300 pounds, and worth to the public in
fiT terests as much per pouud ns any man
Hpn the State. Just before' parting his
flghonor helped me toat ten cents out ol
Bythe car to a poor bliud orphan of eighty
?Spumraers, who bad mistaken me for th
WB president of tho national grange. It
V was a noblo sight to see us two doiug
? that thing; and while wc were doing of
Y it most of tho passengers hung sus
L pended botwecn a smilo and a tear,
nhile the engine blowed off steam in
mpTory possible way, to keep iroiu burat
^ing to pieces. Charity begins at homo;
but what is homo to an orphan without
a'mother I And besides, wben it comes
down to cash, tho grange and me
UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.
A physician was on tho train with
him. "Jones" says:
,;I left the doctor at Alston, and ns it
was a very cold day, an eager and a nip
ping air, suppose that iu tho four hours
of waiting ho must have frozen to th e
place, or lallen a victim to that felonious
meal, in which, liko tho weddiug feast
in Hamlet, tho funeral baked meuts of
the week bofore did coldly furnish forth
tho dinner table. Horace?I mean tue
protege of Maecenas?would havo call
ed it rudis indigcBtaque moles. I will,
hdwover, take the papers, and
RESERVE MY DECISION
until I can ioo the propriotor, an 1 sizo
his pile beforo I tell tho publio what it
ought to bo called. As to Mr. North
rop, ho had Jlittle to say,sittiu g alone
with that awful ltoman nose, like tho
Tarpean rock jutting its counfouuded
base. It afterwards turned out that he
was engrossed in the contemplation of
the sublimity and inscrutability ofhu
man affairs, tho ingratitude of rcpub
lies, and the peculiar difference between
the mau iu office aud the fellow out of
office"
"Jones" got off the train at Anderson
looked at tho place, kicked up the devil
in Judge Cook's Court, didn't drink
any whiskey, aud wrots as follows of
that place :
Anderson 1 found a live place, with
an excellent hotel, kept by a son-in law
of Judge Heed. The mau of all work,
t he chief cook, and bottle washer cp5tho
house, is^a'robJor'cd man, uame d !Pink
Williams. That fellow is worth his
weight in gold, provided he don't weigh
iiijuse]lf. . 1} wasr court week, and f the
house was crowded. The next morning
thero was an odd sight. The judge, it
appears, has enforced the old habit aud
uniform,, rind requires the clerk to up
pear in a full suit of black, and the
sheriff to come for him in tho continen
tal cock-hat, and the big sword jit the
shoulder. As he was crossing the
square, several asked him ii he did not
belong to Wheeler's cavalry The
sh.riff, who was a gallant Boldics of the
Coniederacy, and lost his leg in the
war, can't stand die parade, and sends
his deputy. It is worth $50 to any man
of the remotest sensibility to cross a
square full of people in that grotesque
rig, aud the judge ought to see that
tho man
IB PAID SOMETHING
for the wear and tear of bis "phelinkji."
If his honor would Oi?r Jrti'er the coun
ty ooininissiontrs.to furnish him with
an educated hog, or monkey aud a hand
organ and send him through the coun
try, he would pay the entire expense of
holding court each term. The clerk had
to be excused, because just before his
dress suit was finished, the tailor shop
was broken open and robbed, and his
uniform was among the 'dear departed. '
The lawyers all wear black coats in
Judge Cooke's court, and things begin
to wear a pre Adamite look. His honor
swears, if the worst copies to the worst,
he will vote next time for George^ Wash
iu"tonfora third term. *
I ? ?
"Jonts" boarded the train again, and
winds up thusly :
"Wo had another spartan dinner
somewhere on the road to Greenville.
De Castro and Miss Fannie sat at the
head of the table, and went to work on
the venerable fried rooster and in flex i
bio cabbage. lie tried first to mcstucr
izothe stuff, but it would not take; then
he called-up all his favorite devils to
make the meal palatable, but all tho
red hot spices aud sulph uric sauces of
hell could not mollify the obdurate bis
cuit or correct the morbid butter. There
is
A SPECIAL PROVIDENCE
that shapes our ends, and it put a par
ticular damoiition on that dinner. The
ragged edge of despair wan "Hail, Co
lumbia !" to that work, and wo were all
fortunate in having escaped with our
lives. Sweet spirits of ammonia,, hear
my prayer! I oat at that booth no more
forever!
At longth we reached Greenville,
and although my tale is not half told,
yet must it close. "What is writ is
writ, would it were worthier." I give
it to you jiiBt for what it i3 worth, and
beg leave to subscribe myself, yours, c.c
officio:'
"Jones."
"Joues" doesn't 3cem to have rcllish
ed all he saw. Wodder if ho had the
hend-ache when he arrived back to Co
lumbia' ? Can our friend ? Thompson of
tho Union- Herald inform us?
-?H?^'.??? . ? -
Two young men who resolved to com
mit suicide, becnuso their sweetheart
married an undertaker, owes his ,life to
the sober second thought that he might
bo furnishing btaTivul with a job.
Paying un ?.'Coming^ down.'
Beechcr's Trial.
SANOLINARY VATICINATIONS AS TO ITS
RESULT.
[From (ho Chicago Tribune]
I am perfectly serious when I pro
phecy dial this trial betwoen Tilton anil
Beeeher will not bo lawfully completed
Until the first of April, or thereabouts.
Yet I do not contemplate so long ami S)
depressing a continuation of those pro
cceding. 1 feel somehow or other, that
a tragic conclusion will abruptly and
terribly end this matter. As it pro
grosses, the theatric mantle ol heroism
drops off, from its shoulders:, aud pre
sontly it will be wholly undraped, a
lewd and hideous trausliguratiou of Pria
pus. To bo the laureate of such reck
ing annals might, gratify the hot titubi
tiou of Swinburtie, but t:) impartial
uo.-trils tho whiffs and strciichcs of a
widespread licentiousness are nothing
else than sickening. Its tableaux are
as vile as the encaustics ol Pom pi; its j
episodes lit only for tho prurient con i
templtition of Mcssalinu, and its actors J
seem to liavo lost their aptsst bpp ?r i
tunity in the suppression ol* Aphra
Hehn, 1 lie argument of the defense,
on the moral question at i.-sue, uot bo
tween IJeecher and Tilton, but between
JJcechor and the world, is no loftier
plea that) tho grinning"tu'juoquo."
Il Ilccchcr be a libertine. Tilton is a
free lover; and, if IJeecher seduecd |
Elizabeth Tilton. Theo lore Tilton
permitted and extenuated that scduo
tion by his adulternus alliance with
Woodhull. S6 far, it looks like a
match at mud throwing, with fuller
ammunition, however, than the cheap
orduxe of tho streets. Ail uiannur of
beVstly confidences are to be torn from
chair. A true Corinthian <^rgic i.s
promised, in which every brut il appe
tito shall be nakedly represent ?>!. We
arc only on the threshold of the scandal
If it be necessary to save Jlr. IJeecher,
an exhibition so monstrous may bo
made that the anger of his e luntrym tn
will rescue him by a prompt and wrath
f?il extinction of tho w inde proceeding
Other adulteries, other seductions, other
I bestial incidents in this unwritten his
tory of Plymouth, arc to be paraded b i
fore the puzzled jurors and the stupefied
world. At least
TWO PEAK WOMEN
Are to anticipate the last judgment by
confessing through the mouth of their
owu kindred, that they wore false to
their marriage vows, and one id' them,
thnt her filthinoss was beyond even the
awful picturing of Juvenal. At last
one incest will be dragged from under
tho protective shadow of .Mr. ileechor's
church, and stripped bare .and putrid
for the consideration of these Christian
States. If Fiohry C. Bowen ever
reaches the witness stand there will be
squeezed from bis lean person such a
steam of poisonous, oxerctuentitions
knowledge that the whole country will
stop its nostrils and its ears, aud
CRY "ENOUGH I"
Testimony will be produced upon this
trial, aud may perhaps be spread upon
its record to which the feculence oi' all
extant literature will be as Sabaou
odors. I know of one tomb which has
already been ransacked to prove prior
guilt on Hoeoher's part; and 1 know of
another grave into which Ileechor's
lawyers will presently descend to gropu
for the shameful affections of Tilton.
Human dust aud ashes cited to demon
strato the wickedness it committed in
the flfesll is one of the certainties of this,
our tedious Dies lite. But, though the
horrors which [ have faintly butliued ?
and which are as well known to a score
of persons as to myself?from au irrcfra
gablo chapter in the lewd record of this
case, yet do I firmly bcliovc, without
being able to give a reason for my
belief, that a
SUDDEN AND MORTAL STOPPAGE OK
TIMS TRIAL
-Will bo tuado by one or both of its
principals. 1 dare not predict that
IJeecher %?ill take flight from that tor
riblo arena; 1 dare uot pre liut that
sudden death or dramatic confession
will ^turtle Ins woishippcrs, uud silouce
tho proetjsHi of Ins [accusation. But
though it would bo sum ething more
than and.icity to conjecture the form iu
which lacjeiid will come, yet do I verily
and enr'tii stly believe that some other
verdict tUin the verdict of a jury will
coiicfutlc ' this appaling religious
tragedy.
Remember 31c.
There ;)-e not two other words in the
language nhat call back a mure fruitful
train of mast remembrances of friend
ship, ttf?l these, Look through your
library, and when you cast your eye
upo : a tolumc that, contains the name
of an ol * companion, it will say ? /?<?
number '?? Have you an ancient
album, thl re ository of tho mementoes
of early (affection? turn over its leaves,
stained py the linger of time?sit dun
and pon?>r upon the names enrolled
upon th'ijni, each says?remember me
Go into tt/e crowded churchyard,among
e tombs ? read the s'tiiplc and
Vipt ions that perpcl n ite l hn
memory -f departed o.ies; they, top,
have a '.oicc that .-peak-, to the hearts
of the living, and it savs?remember ine.
Walk, i i Lhc hour ufevening twilight,
timid tlrtj sceues of your early rambles;
the w^nkuown paths, thtj winding
streams, the over spreading trees, the
green gently sloping banks, wil I rccul 1
the drcui:js ol juvenile ploisurc, and the
r. collecti'mi of youthful companions;
I bey, too.) bear the treasure-) inj inctiou
the marl
brief ins
tis is all that is left at last of
circle id* our early frieri 1<.
Ly lot tune, 01 called away by
thrown without our band by
res of circumstance or of char
itn.' we iin 1 oarsjlyes left
.th ? - --?Mc.-tion.d.f' wji itV^h?)
?mncni
And
the wid
.Scatter^
death,
the c
actor, i
a !o nc
won i?ljjoy their favors; others wer - |
kind, and amiable, ail aTijiionato,
and for this we esteem d them, othois,
again, were in >i Is ol virtue, a i l shared
bur ptnisc and udiuirati in. It -.vis child
a little while utul then the chances of
th - world broke iu upon the delighted
intercourse; it ceased. Vet still wo d ?
ali we can to discharge the one sa red
ami honest, an 1 honorable debt ?it?.-;
remember tftcni.
'fhe tribute, ton, of remembrance
which we delight to pay to others we
desire lor ourselves I h ? wish for np
plauso; the thirst for fame; the desire
that our names sh ml I shine d i v i ;
future posterity iu the glory ol record ? 1
deeds, is a fevcri-h unhappy passion,
compared with the unambitious desire
tc retain, even beyond the spaa, of life,
the affections o'* the warm-hearted few
who shared our j lys and sorrows in t he
wold. I once read the brief inscription
'?Jteiiionibor mo," on a teiustonc, in a
country gtaveyard, with a t mi-, that th e
grave of Bouupai'tc woul I n it have
called forth.
Hut whom do we always remember
with affection ? The virtuous, the kind,
the warm hearted; those who have -mi
desired themselves to us by the amiable
ih'>s ol th dr characters. It i-> the mi a I,
the disposition, the habits, the feeling
ol our friends which attach us to them
most strongly; which form the only hut
ing bond of affeetion; which alone em
secure our affectionate remembrances.
Then, if we woul 1 be remeuib i 1
with iln; kindliest feelings; if wo would
be embalmed in the memory of those wo
l ive; if we desire that, when Ibrlii iu or
fate, shall separate us Irom our l'r ends
they may long think of us; we must
possess ourselves the same character we
love in others. Never was n more n iblo
line Wi nten iu the history of until than
this- '-The first emotion of pain he evor
caused was by hiS or her departure."
The I'ittsburg Pa toy i-< a lightning
rod wagou With an insurance agent
perched on ilie rear of t.
'A u : who tears the Lord aud who
cm carij uue an intoxicated tuoiiib r
is tile kiim it' a - er,;eaiit at arms that
they want lor the Miuuossotu L.gidi
tu l e.
Kalakaua has left Chicago, and the
Journal cue- out uuor him, 'Good bye
K?l!'
? I!e DiiHl Saying "Ctiss."
A WANDERER FROM TUE FRONTIER?
WHAT WAS FOUND ON II IS DRKAST.
Hi; Hat on ilie steps of the City Hall,
head in his hands, and one could not
help l?ut notice him. He wore a coat
of wolf skins, a bearskin cap, buckskin
breeches, and his grizxly h..ir hung
down on his Bhouldcrsiu a tangled mass.
Ho had drifted Bust from tho wild (Vou
tier, and he had fallen sick. No one
knew for a long time what (died him,
as be would not reply to inquiries, but.
finally, when a policeman shook his .inn
and repeated the inquiry, he slowly Iif
ted his head and *opiied :
?I'm played !'
His face was pale and haggard, and
it was plaiti that hp was going to have
an attack ol l'?ver. Ho was sunt to tho
hospital lor treatment he was making no
inquiries and answering no <| test ions
T his \vus a month ago. 11c had his per
BOtial effects iu a sort of a sack. These
were a breech loading rifle, a hatch it, ti
Unite, and several other articles an i
when he bud laid on the Led in one of
the wards, he insisted that the bag be
placed tin ier his head. They offered
him medicine, but he turned away hps
face and no argument could induco him
j to swallow any
I 'But you arc a sick man,' said the
[ doctor.
'Cuss tickness,'replied the ohl gen
tleman.
? A ud you may die !'
m'.i-s death."
Ho grew worse as tho days went t?y ,
and was sometimes out of hi-] Lead, an.I
talking.strange talk of Indian lights
ami buffalo hunts, but not once did he
speak of family, friend s or himself, lie
wonld-iMt-b^them uudress \jjtf,comb
'Iiis' iiair^t-jrA .?..-, ? .fft?ie^?
3'0,nd Laving his fi o i on the stand. A
raging fever was burning un his system,
utid wlioti the doctors found that the
old int.u wi tild hot take their me Heine,
they ktiuw that dtiuth was only a mat
t- r 6i da s.
He ihust hitye htiil an iron cpn.ttitu
i n and :: heart 1 ko a warrior for he
held death ::t .-an s length until the
other day. When it was soeti that he
. o u LI last In- a few hours longer, th !
uur.-e asked him if a elergymau should
b ? called
?Cuss clergyman !'
However, two Lours afterwards his
mind wundered, und ho sat up iu bed
a lid called Mil :
?! if II ye, the Lord isn't going to be
hard on a feller who La- lit Injuns '.'
He was quiet again until an hours be
f re bis death, when the nurse made
one more effort, an tasked :
?Will you give mo your namo V
'Cuss my name '.'
?Haven't you any friends V
?Cuss friends !'
'Do you wish us to send your things
to any one '
?( Suss any ouc '.'
'Do you realize that you nro very
near the lmmvo V
'Cuss the grave,' was the mouotouoas
r piy.
No futther questions worea^kel, and
during the next hour the strange old
man dropped quietly asleep in death ut
tcring no words ami making no sign.
\\ Leu they cauib to remove the clothing
and prepaic tlio Lo.lv lor the grave,
what do yon suppo.sf they lound, earn
fully wrapped tili in oilskin and lying
on bis breast ':' A dagtierrcotypo pic
ture of a little girl ! It was taken years
and years tigo, when the child was live
or six y? ns old. The face of the litlte
one was lair to look upon, an 1 the case
which held it Las bc^n scarreJ by bul
lets. There were a dozen scars on tlio
old man's body to prove that he had liy
cd a ^ild J'.fe, but there was not a lino
among his effects to reveal hi* home, or
tho tiilliiC of tho child whoso pie; uro he
Lad worn on his breast f*>r yeurs aud
years. Who was she 'I His own dar
ling perhaps, lie would not havetrons
ured" i lie picture so carefully unless
there was love in his heart.
.No oho wouul have believed that the
Well skin Coat covered a heart which
could teel love or tenderness but it did.
tie might havo becu returning Lout* a.
(er year.-; of weary wandering^ ^r ? ho
lie might have left the frontiers?to- bo
Mire of a Christian's burial; efHHAoping
that no unsympathetic eye would fall
upon the picture.
.Some said keep it, hoping to tiihkc .'t
identify the old mail, but others laid* it
back on the battle scarred breast, which
had preserved |(it so long, arjl- itj ?was
there yesterday when they baried flip..
Mr. ttecch'er on Marriage;.'
iii ! II -3.U1
Twenty years ago the writcrof'thia
was engaged iu the diffusion of infonna
tion about d jor spriugs; iu poiptofjfjlot
peddling fro n dojr to dojr, , In^?io
pursuit uf this lawful, but uot lucrative
business, he entire^ the booksto'reof
lloo Lockwodd it Co, in Broadway;'fin 1
requested permission t> apply one of
his inventions to tho doors ofciThe
establishment, ? t ?
As lie cntct ' he ;uw Mr. Bcechor
sauntering about, ela I i;. a loose sack
coat, "the pocket* of which *ycvp|appar
cutly filled with sugared almonds, ier
from time to time he produced these
delicacies, removing the saoliarino shell
with a vigorous bite and easting it
away, retaining ouly tho kernel fur his
J lectAliou Having ofteu heard Mr.
Bccchcr l.ciure, meciiug him fac^to*
face was an event; while the sale of a
door tpting was of the ?rst imp'orl?acs
Mr. BVeOhci* was second in iutcres'fc,'?nd
a carolul w-Atuh was kept upon him.
While negotiations woro peudiug.- -Jtfr.
IJeecher stopped up, aud at the ojo^a of
t!ic address romarked :
'? Voting man, arj you married ?''1
'? N b, sir," was the respectful T?pljf.
"Didn't you know you ought tobe. V
"Yes, sir." . ? ^ '\ mui u\
' Why don't you do it, thon ? ; W%T
don't you get married V1 I
j. 'Well, air^ i will upon oac^^dl
rciotrj" aaiu U"jieuV
"What is it?"
"If you will buy a door spring, Mr.
Boechcrj I will get married."
'?Ha, ha, ha," he shouted, whilo Mr.
Lockwood joined tho merriment in a
subdued tone. "Very good,youugman;
very g oil." Thou slapping him on tho
shoulder and reducing his voice to a
confidential toue, ho remarked,'MBut
1 can't buy a door spring. I have
nothing to do with the house. You go
over to Brooklyn and see my wife; she
is the captain. If you can sell her a
door spring thnt will be all rigutr.i I
haven't anything to say about .tho
house." :j
That ended the couferouce. Messrs.
itoc Lockwood ec Co., didn't buy one
either, and save from tho momorablo
incident, the writer left as poor aa, ho
went iu. '
Items- *
Materialized spirits?Frozen whiskey
A matchless maid?An anoient ua
married lady
Plain sauce?An interview with a
Saratogn hotel clerk.
illuticenco may not be considered
sound s.'ii. o, but it is good seuso.
To 'bone' a turkey?'fake it when
the poulterer is not looking.
? How unjuat it is to accuse a bald head
cd mi n of putting on false hairs.
John Henry wants to kuow if tho
Ohio lottery law prohibits marri'Agtss
How "o make good puffs?Send the
nubli her fifty cents a litte for them.
'What can't be cured must bo sold
fresh,' is w hat they say iu tPorKopolis.
In some bl the new style* there is uo
change. Poor relatives are cut the same
as last year.
'1 ho financial pressure is loosoning.?
ftven the days are not so short as thoy
wci'O:
Here's a view of tho Christmas stook
itig The boys says he 'set it, but ho
didn't eatali anything.'
That's too bad. Boston is to hav'
convention of bald headed men. .>'?
all, however, it may not bo as, ^ortu*
nate as the great tiro. ? i
'What station do you ?aid
a man as he crawled ot tho dobm
of a railroad su^? ?P- '^station
replied the comuctor
