OCR Interpretation

The Anderson intelligencer. (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, November 29, 1860, Image 1

Image and text provided by University of South Carolina; Columbia, SC

Persistent link: http://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn84026965/1860-11-29/ed-1/seq-1/

What is OCR?

Thumbnail for

%n $irk?c!ikitt Iffitrra(~-|tli? fa $oIifes, literature, fetus, ittrrals, |jj?cnlte> $aw aitir |rt.
%\x ^musing
Harry Gordon Singleton, made his de?
but into this world on a Friday. We deem
this fact worth chronicling, since it was an
event of some importance to our hero,and
because we hope to show unbelievers that
the old saw about the unluckiness of Fri?
day is correct. From Ids very birth, Har?
ry was stigmatized. He was an exceed?
ingly pretty babe, fair complexionod, blue
eyed, brown haired, plump and rosy; but
he was eudowed with an heritage far
worse than a hunch back, a club foot, or
a squint eye-^-Ae was bashful ? When the
ladies came to look at him in his cradle,
andto pronounce him a "little beauty?
theexpress image of his pa;" the little
"sweet" would invariably put his fat fist
in his mouth, and hide his interesting face
in the pillow. He could not be won by
sugar plumbs or peanuts; he would hide
behind his mother's robes when asked for
a kiss, and if a stranger attempted to take
?him up, said stranger usually got the
worst of it.in the way of kicks and scratch?
es.; J& ' - . ? : r.
So it came to pass that.although people
?called Harry a charming little thing to
his mother, they expressed themselves
aside in very different terms, and malig?
ned poor Harry's infantile character to an
unhead of extent. To have listened to the
private conversation of half-dozen old gos?
sips on this point, you would have had no
doubt in yourown mind but Harry Single?
ton was the most accurate edition of orig?
inal sin extant.
Mrs. Singleton?a fair-faced, handsome
woman?regretted very greatly this un?
fortunate trait in the temperament of her
beloved rirst-born, and used every endeav?
or to break him of it, but without success,
and Harry grew up to youth the must
beautiful and retiring of all human be?
ings. He was, also, singularly unlucky.
Ko child ever received so many bumps
and thumps since tho fall of Adam ; his
forehead was a populous archipelago of
blue, yellow and black bruises, in various
stages of coloring. He never touchod a
knife without cutting his fingers; he could
c scarcely eat his meals without sticking
his fork into his hands, and at length his
lather would allow him only a spoon with
?which to take his food?believing that he
could do-himself'no damago with that,
pacific instrument, unless ho swallowed
.. When there was company at the house,
Harry generally rotircd to an unoccupi?
ed room in the attic, where?having en?
sconced himself in tho bed which stood
there?he passed the day reading some
old novel or book of history, picked out of
the"great chest in the garret used lor the
repository of rubbish; or, b}7 way of vari- j
ation, ho sometimes toon refuge in the
barn, and "snugly hidden on the hay-mow,
spent the time in silent meditation on his
unfortunate destiny. He would walk a
mUe around through tho fields to avoid
meeting a young lady; and when in the
street, if he heard the sound of wheels he
would leap over the wall or fence and lie
prone on tho ground until tho vehiclo
had passed by.
As he grow older, he lost nono of his
peculiarities, and before he was sixteen
years of age, his mother's chief difficulty
was the fear that he would live an old
bachelor. Hundreds of silver dollars
could not liave induced him to speak to a
girl of his age, and his father was obliged
to forego his purpose of sending him to
the Whitesboys' school.
But notwithstanding Harry's excessive
bashfulness, he grew up to beafinclel
low?brave, generous and handsome, and
there was-not a girl in town but would
have.felt.herself honored by his prefer?
ence. Harry, however, stood aloof from
all the female sex, arid as a natural conse?
quence, he was the subject of numberless
practical jokes, and tho hapless occasion
of continual giggling among the gay girls
at the singing school.
When Harry was nineteen, Rosalie Wa?
ters came to Whitestown to pass some
time with her aunt, Mrs. Judge Flanders.
Rosalie was a pretty, bright-eyed, mis?
chievous fairy of seventeen, and if the
truth must be confessed, she took quite a
liking to handsome, bashful Harry; Singie
ton; but of course she was too much of a
coquette to allow Harry to guess it. He,
on'his part, thought himself dead in love,
though he dared not raise his eyes to the
peerless face of his guiding-star-. For
whole days he racked his brain, planning
how he should address her, but without
decidfng upon anything definite. One
night, at singing-school, a bold idea flash?
ed across his brain; its very boldness
made it seem practicable. He would offer
to escort Rosalie home!
It was an audacious act, and Harry
trembled in cvory limb at the thought of
it; a cold prcspiration started out of every
pore; bis hair,nearly stood erect, and his
faco flushed hot as the bosom of Vesuvius.
He attempted to sing, but his fine tenor
voice broke down; he coughed, hemmed,
and flourished his hankerchief. and was at
last obliged to sit down in despair.
The exercises of the evening closed;
Harry seized his hat and rushed for tho
en try, whore he took his station in full
view of tho door through which Rosalie
would emerge. Her crimson hood ap?
peared in the doorway, and his teeth chat?
tered in his head, but his resolution was
unshaken. He made a sortie in her direc?
tion, knocking over little James Brown,
the barber, and fearfully mutilating the
now calash of Miss Winn. the milliner, in
the act; but these were minor affairs, and
not worthy of notice. He touched the
shoulder of Rosalie.
" May I?may I?go homo with you to
day?to night?this evening';'" stammered
She put her little hand within his arm,
and they went out together into the star?
light. Harry seemed to tread on air.
Tins world was this world no longer, but
the charmed paradise of impossibility and
he dared not speak lest he should break
the spell.
The little lady, too,was strangelysilo'rit.
and the entire distance to the house of
Judge Flanders was passed without a
word. At the door Harry would have
hidden his companion goodnight, but she
retained his hand and drew him into the
parlor; and there the light of the chande?
lier fell full on the face of the pretty
laughing woman, and with dread dismay
Harry saw that not Rosalie, but Mrs.
Judge Flanders herself, stood before him.
lie had waited on the aunt, and not the
niece! Ho "uttered an exclamation and.
started up to retire, but Mrs. Flanders
good humoredly de tained him.
'?Don't go, Harry," she ' said kindly,
"you really did bravely. I am proud of
you; I knew from the first that you had
made a mistake,but was fearful you would
never try again if I denied your es?
cort. Rosalie will be in soon; wait for
"lndeed,ma'am?1?I?should be happy
(o?not to?in fact, ma'am, I believe I am
wanted at home."
Harry started for the door backwards,
but instead of ehoo-ing that by which he
had entered, lie bolted out into the dark
kitchen and seized the handle of the first
door that offered. Mrs. Flanders was fol?
lowing close, but before she could utter a
single word she heard his "good night."
succeeded immediately by a series of
thumbs and rumblings in the direction of
the cellar.
The truth burst upon her at once. Har?
ry had taken the cellar-door and had fal?
len down the stairs ! She seized a light
and flew down the steps. There lay Har?
ry1, with his head in the trough of ashes,
and his feet unromantically elevated over
the shelf of a neighboring cupboard. He
was considerably bruised and stunned, but
not otherwise damaged. Mrs. Flanders
would have raised him up, but he antici?
pated her; and without stopping to shake
himself, bounded up the stairs and made
a drive at the outer door,thc ashes stream?
ing out behind him like a cloud of gray
The door was opened from without.and
Rosalie herself appeared. At sight of the
hutlcss, smoking Harry,she uttered a loud
shriek and fell to the floor, while our hero
dashed over her prostrate form and took
the track for home, at a speed unequalled
in the anuals of foot races. Breathless
and used up generally, the young mrian
reached home, crawled in at a back win?
dow and retired to his bed. which he kept
for three days afterward.
In spite of all apologies and flattering
courtesies from Mrs. Flanders?in spite of
gentle affectionate advances from the fair
Rosalie herself. Harry Singleton could
never be tempted to step inside the man?
sion, of the judge; and Rosalie, after wa.it
in"- two years for Harry to make himself
agreeable to hei-, gave up the vain hope,
and became the wife of a substantial wid?
ower with four children, which was quite
a good beginning.
Harry went on his way alone, as his
mother had feared and prophesied, and
that exemplary little woman set i:bout
learning him to repair stockings and re?
place lost buttons, with commendable pa
tience. He had studied for the law, had
been two years admitted to the bar, and
was a talented and rising young man.
Being also wealthy and handsome, half
the ladies in the village were in love with
him, but he gave them a wide berth and
passed them by.
Mr. Singleton dabbled somewhat in pol?
itics, and at the early age of thirty he was
elected member of Congress ; and in cele?
bration of this evonr, a grand dinner in his
honor was given at the Whitestown Ho
tol. Of course the successful candidate
must be present, and etiquette demanded
that he should bring a lady with him.
The committee of arrangements waited
upon him to inform him of this fact, and
it may bo well be believed that the com?
munication filled him with vague horror.
He begged of the gentlemen to provide
him a partner, if he must have one, stipu?
lating only that the lady should not be a
young lady; and in due time he was in?
formed that he was to attend Mrs. Grub
bins, the widow of Dr. Timothy Grub
bins, the wealthiest, as well as the fat?
test and tallest woman in the whole coun?
The eventful evening arrived. Mr. Sin?
gleton took Mrs. Grubbins to the hotel in
a chaise. The ladj- was magnificently at?
tired in a doubleskirted tarleton, with
' ribbons, feathers, and fearfully extended
Poor Harry! thought of escorting that
giantess into a room filled with people
made him sweat like one under the influ?
ence of a powerful dose of ipecachuana.
Put he was in for it, and must get out the
best way he could. Mrs. Grubbins, proud
and triumphant, preceded him, breaking
the passage, and compelling lesser people
to yield the ground. Just as she arrived
on the threshold of the banquctting hall,
she dropped her fanj and just at that mo?
ment, the audience perceiving Harry in
the back-ground, proposed " three-cheers
for lion. Mr. Singleton !''
Harry stooped to reclaim the fan, and
when the enthusiastic multitude looked
for their champion he was nowhere visible.
Cries ran round the room loud and vehe?
ment :
" Mr. Singleton ! where is Mr. Single
Ion ?" dud directly Mr. Singleton, looking
very hot and very much confused, appear?
ed from under tho upper skirt of Mrs.
Grubbins' dress?that lady having com?
pletely submerged the honorable gentle?
man in the folds of her drapery. Gentle?
men smiled in their sleeves, and ladies
giggled behind their handkerchiefs: Mrs.
Grubbins looked more regal than ever,
and .Mr. Singleton leaned against a pillar
for support.
The announcement of dinner was a
great relief. Judge Flanders presided;
Mrs. Grubbins occupied the seat at Sin?
gleton's right; Mrs. Flambeaux sat at his
left, and Lucy Dcane, the village belle,
was his vis-a-vis.
Harry's position was exceedingly em?
barrassing to one of his peculiar temper?
ament. e He dared not refuse anything
t hat was ottered him, lest some one should
look at him, and the consequence was,
his plate literally groaned beneath its
weight of edibles. Tomato sauce?his
especial horror?was passed around; a
preserve plate full was alloted to him.
He tried bard to swallow some, but it
stuck fast in his throat; it choked and
sickened him, and set him to coughing
with alarming violence.
?iYou have taken a severe cold, I pre?
sume ?" remaked Miss Flambeaux.
"Yes, madam, thank you, I have," re?
turned Singleton, trembling oir the verge
of another sneeze.
"Why don't you cat your tomatoes?"
queried Mrs. Grubbins. "My poor dead
and gone Daniel used to sav that there
was nothing in the whole vegetable world
equal to tomatoes."
"Xo doubt, madam, they are very fine;"
and Singleton essayed a second spoonful.
That second dose had well nigh been too
much for him. and with desperate resolve
he watched until the whole company
were engaged in drinking a toast, when
he tilted the preserve dish and let its con?
tents run into bis napkin, which recepta?
cle he whiffed into his pocket without de?
lay, and immediately felt easier. A mo?
ment afterwards Judge Flanders propo?
sed a sentiment:
-The Honorable Harry Singleton:
May he always retain the title of ??Hon?
orable,'' but may be soon resign bis right
to be called Single. It is not good for
man to be alone."
The sentiment was drank with ap?
plause. Singleton, blushing red hot at
the insinuation conveyed by the words of
the judge, thrust his hand in his pocket to
get bis hankcrchicf, when instead, out
came the napkin, tomato and all. lie
mopped his forehead vigorously with it,
and the luscious vegetable formed an unc?
tions poultice thereon?completely trans?
figuring bis countenance. Blinded with
the syrup, and half dead with mortifica?
tion, he thrust tho napkin into his pocket
and secured the handkerchief, while the
astounded company looked on in silent
"Does your nose bleed, sir?" inquired
Mrs. Grubbins, quite audibly.
??What in Heaven's name is the mater?"
screamed Judge Flanders.
"Ahem! only a slight cold, thank you,
sir," stammered Mr. Sirrgleton.
"A cowld, is it ? Faith now, and yer
honor's nose must be afther turnin' itself
inside out. thin !".exclahned Mr. O'Toolo,
the Irish patriot and orator.
Lucy Deane was laughing; Miss Flam?
beaux was horrified; Mrs. Grubbins look?
ed shocked; our friend Singleton was
nearly suffocating with shame. Ho lean?
ed back in his chair to recover his breath,
and as soon as he could speak, begged
to bo excused a moment; he did rot feel
quite well. And forthwith he rose and
made for the door; but horror of hor?
rors !?he had sat on the pocket containing
the napkin of tomato, and his white pan?
taloons were dripping red with tho san?
guinary vegetablo!
A simultaneous shriek burst from all
assembled :
"Good heavens, Mi*. Singleton is woun?
ded ! Murder! murder! Call a physi?
cian ! Seize the murderer! Send for Dr.
Spillpowdor! Quick?he'll bleed to death !
Murder! murder!"
The infuriated audience rushed hither
and thither, and some one encountering
John, the waiter, with a carving knife in
his hand, took him for the perpetrator of
the crime, and seized upon him without
delay. John struggled and swore, and
laid about him with right good will, but
he was overpowered by numbers, and at
last obliged to yield. There was a regu?
lar fight, and black eyes and swelled no?
ses were the order of the day. The ladies
fled to tho ante-room; Judge Flanders
ran for a surgeon, and during the melee
Singleton made his escape. No grass
grew beneath his feet; he galloped for
home as fii.st as his legs would cany him;
but the night being dark, and he being
slightly flustratod, he unfortunately mis?
took the house, and entered, not his own
residence, but that of a correct old spin?
ster named Harriet Willis. The houses
were somewhat similar, and Singleton,
without pausing for a light, rushed up
stairs and into his own chamber, as he
thought, where, breathless and exhausted,
he flung himself upon the bed.
Miss Harriet had retired some time pre?
vious, and the sudden advent of Mr. Sin?
gleton aroused her from a sound slumber.
Springing from the bed, regardless of the
fact that her teeth were out. and her nat?
ural curls reposing in the bureau-drawer,
she flew from the house to the nearest
neighbor's where, having secured assis?
tance, she returned to meet the horrified
Singleton, just emerging from tho door.
Poor IIany tried to explain, but Miss
Willis would listen to nothing; her repu?
tation was ruined, she said, and Single?
ton must cither settle or many her. A
fifty dollar bill, which was freely given,
mended the broken character, and learn?
ed Singleton never to go to bed in the
The affair at the Whitestown Hotel was
rather a serious one. The patriot
O'Toole had his nose broken; Dr. Spill
powder broke his horse's wind to got
there before Singleton should bleed to
death; Jahn, the waiter, broke the heads
of the half-dozen gentlemen who assisted
in his capture: and Judge Flanders broke
all the buttons olf his waistbands running
after the surgeon and shouting murder.
Mr. Singleton is yet unmarried?as fine
a fellow as you could wish; and if you
want to >ee blushing, just mention tomato
sauce to him.
JJgT Dobbs, during his first session 06 a
member of the Legislature, was caught
without a speech. He Avas remarkable
for his modesty, and his thirst for "red
One unlucky day the proceedings being
dull, and Dobbs being rather, thirsty, he
concluded to go over to the hotel and
take a drink. As Dobbs rose to leave the
hall, he caught the Speaker's eye. The
Speaker supposed he intended to address
the house, and announced in a loudA'oice?
? Mr. Dobbs!"
Dobb: started as if he had been shot.
The assembled wisdom of the State had
their eyes fixed upon him. He pulled out
his pocket hankkerchicf to Avipe away the
I e spin lion, and feeling 't necessary to
say something, he thundered out:
" Second the motion."
?' There is no motion before the house,"
said the- Speaker.
? Then I?I?"
The liilencc was breathless.
Dobfcs could not think of anything to
saA-. But a bright idea came to him and
he finished Avith?
" I move to adjourn."
The motion did't go, but Dobbs did, and
nothing more avus seen of him that day.
Man, says the anatomist, changes
every seven years; "therefore, says Jones,
"my tdlor should not ask me for the bill
I contracted in 1848?I am not the same
person?henco, I owe him nothing."
fiST The Avorst AVay of pitching into a
fellow and making him feel generally like
a goose is to tar and feather him.
Results from Little Things.
Men rarely trace events back to their
moving causes. The marvel of a success?
ful triumph of science or arts is universal?
ly acknowledged as the grand consequen?
ces which are to flow from it are evolved,
but who goes back to the pale student who,
in some obscure garret, years before, dis?
covered the principle upon which it is
founded, and stimulated tho investigation
of other minds, so that a fact was finally
crowned by almost a miracle of success?
Your "practical men "?those who gather
the wealth of the world in their coffers?
are disposed to look with contempt upon
the lebors which lay the foundation for
momentous changes, not only in the bus?
iness and commerce of tho world, but even
in the condition humanity itself.
When two Italian philosphers, in the
last centurv, wrangled over the reason
l " ?
why a dead frog's leg could be made to
perform involuntary motions, who of their
cotc-mporaries failed to regard them as
mad with too much learning? Yet in the
explanation of that phenomenon lay the
germ of all electric science. It has been
developed into new and beautiful appli?
cations in the mechanic arts, as well as in
science, and done more to revolutionise
the world than the march of victorious ar?
The curious collectors of specimens of
rocks and of fossils were regarded by men
of the world and the rustics who witness?
ed their labors as demented ; but out of
these collections has been built up the his?
tory of the world before the "beginning."
Now, tho beetling cliif and subterranean
mine have an intelligible language writ
ten by the finger of God, and preserved
for the instruction of our times. From
the period when the earth was a globe
of firc,sw&sping with flashing light through
the heavens, down through each succes?
sive period of new formations, until life
made its appearance in its lowest forms
in the retiring waters, the force of each
contending element, the process by which
electric and chemical affinities and me?
chanical forces laid down each successive
layer of rocks is known*; and men can
look back and see the working out in
harmony through countless ages of the
plan of the first great architect.
So connected is the whole system of
truth, that at whatever point a clue is ob?
tained, it leads, when followed, into unex?
pected and wonderful discoveries. The
falling of an apple led to the discovery of
the law which helcfthe planets in their or?
bits, and developed to mortal cars the
music ^of the spheres. The hissing of
steam from a common tea-kettle led to the
discovery of the power of that wonderful
agent that now moves the saw, the plane,
and the loom; drives the ship over the
ocean and car over the land; multiplying
a thousand fold the energy of human
industry, and overcomes the obstacles of
time and space.
Who could have guessed that some
scemirgly insignificant experiment was
destined to change the modes of human
labor; that a pebble picked up in the field
would become an index to untold mineral
wealth; or a shell gathered from an old
deposit a sure indication of what lay deep?
ly buried beneath the soil ? Who dream?
ed the possibility of giving a pathway to
the winds, and discovering a law by
which to determine the approach of storms?
Our present knowledge on these sub?
jects baa not been obtained by accident.
The men who have seemed to be dream?
ers.?who have devoted their investigations
to minute things, found the key which un?
locked the store house of Nature's myste?
ries, and cnablo us now to gaze upon her
secret work.
The results from little things have been
so vast?the richness of the fields of
knowledge yet to be explored are so great,
that we look with fear upon every move?
ment of the scholar?the mere observer?
the rough explorers who never attempt to
reduce the knowledge they acquire to any
practical use. No fact obtained in the
physical work is valueness. No principle
established is isolated, but beyond and
connected with it is another which adds
to the certainty of human investigation
and the marvel of new practical applica?
Try for a single day, I beseech you,
to preserve yourself in an easy and cheer?
ful frame of mind. Be for one day, in?
stead of a fire worshiper of passion and of
hell, the sun worshiper of clear self-pos?
session, and compare the day m which
you have roooted out the weed of dissat?
isfaction with that on which you have al?
lowed it to grow up,?and you will find
your heart open to every good motive,
your own life strengthened and your
breast armed with a panoply against eve?
ry trick of fate. Truly, you will wonder
at your own improvement._
jjgy- When liars die and can lie no lon?
ger, their epitaphs generally lio for thorn.
Young Ladies, Read.
What a number of idle, useless women
?they call themselves young ladies?pa?
rade our streets! "They toil not, neither
do they spin, yet Solomon in all his glory
was not arrayed like one of them. Do they
cver look forward to the time when tho
real cares and responsibilities of life will
cluster around them ? Have thev made,
or are they making any preparation for
tho onerous duties which will assuredly
fall to their lot?duties to society, tho
world and God ? They lounge or sleep
away their time in tho morning. They
never tako hold of tho drudgery, the re?
pulsive toil, which each son and daughter
of Adam should perform in this world.
They know nothing of domestic duties.
They have no habits of industry, no taste
for the useful, no skill in any really useful
art. They arc in tho streets, not in tho t
performance of their duty, or for the ac?
quisition of health, but to soo and bo seen.
They expect thus to pick up a husband
who will promise to bo as indulgent as
their parents have been, and support them
iu idleness. They who sow the wind in
this way aro sure to reap the whirlwind.
No life can bo exempt from cares. How
mistaken an education do these girls re
ceivc who are allowed to imagine that life
is always to be a garden of roses I Labor
is the great law of our being. How
worthless will she prove who is unablo to
perform it!
It has been observed that " by far tho
greatest amount ot happiness in civil?
ized life is found in the domestic rela?
tions, and most of these depend on tho
home of tho wife and mother." What a
mistake is then made by our young girls
and their parents when domestic educa?
tion is unattended t?! Our daughters
should be taught, practically., to bake, to
cook, to arrange the table, to wash and
iron, to sweep, and to do everything that'
pertains to tho order and comfort of the
household. Domestics may be necesuary,
but they aro always a necessary evil, and
the best:< help " a woman can have is. her?
self. If her husband is ever so rich, the
time may come when skill in domestic
employments will secure to her a comfort
which no domestic can procure. Even if
she is never called to labor for herself, slu
should, at least, know how things ought
to be done, so that she ought not to be
cheated by her servantfj.
Domestic Education cannot be acquired
in the streets. It cannot be learned amidst
the frivolities of modern society. . A
good, and worthy, and comfort-bringing
husband can rarely be picked up on tho
" The nymph who walks the public itxoeU,
And sets her cap for all she meets,
May catch the fool ?./ho turns to stare,
But men of sense avoid tho anare."
Old Deacon Sharp never told a lie,
but he used to relate this:?He was stand?
ing one day beside a . frog-pond?wo
have his word for it?and saw a largo
gartcr-snake make an attempt upon an
enormous big bull-frog. The snake seiz?
ed one of the frog's hind legs, and the
frog, to bo on a par with his snake ship,
caught him by the tail, and both commen?
ced swallowing one another, and continu?
ed this carniverous operation until noth?
ing was left of either of them.
- ?
A young iady in reply to her father's
question, why sho did not wear rings up?
on her fingers, said, "Because, papa,
they hurt me when anybody squeezes my
" What business have you to hav?
your hand squeezed ?"
" Certainly none, but still you know,
papa, one would like to keep it in squeez?
able order."
S8r Smith, who makes a joke of all his
troubles, says the cook at his boarding
house is so careless about separating the
feathers from the chickens that ho never
eats dinner without feeling down in the
B6?~ An English Review says:?" Sou?
th ey told Shelley a man might be happy
[ with any woman, and certainly a wise
man, once married, will try to make tho
best of it."
fiST* The red, wdiite and blue ?the red
cheeks, the white teeth, and blue eyes of
a lovely girl, areas good a flag as a young
soldier in the battle of life need fight un?
B?? A flirt is like a dipper, attached to
a hydrant?every one is at liberty to drink
from it, but no one desires to carry it
fiS*"* 'Tis little troubles that wear the
heart out. It is easier to throw a bomb?
shell a mile than a feather?even with ar
Jg@- Theory may be all very well, but
young doctors and lawyers prefer practice.
Blessed are they that are blind, for
they shall dee no ghoste,

xml | txt