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feic. I? £».' A I 4 pf THE JUNEBUG.i Thou stupid blockhea«l,'blunderln* la my face! LB not the great world wide enough, but thou klust quit the dusky night where thou'rt' at home To dazzle at my lamp, and burn thy Things Io blind thy. goggle eyes with too much light, And bang thy doltish head/'gainst every thing? Thou meddling fool! thou'rt ever out of place. No meeting's free from thy disturbing buzz No child too timid for thy scaring hum N.o lady's nerves too strung, nor hair too fine For thee to tangle lt with scratchy claws- There, in my ink again! And now, with pondering look and drab bled feat, Thou scr^wl'at rude lines across an un stained page. V1- And yet, poor thing! thou dost hot mean it so The light attracts thee, and thou too wouldst know. How like we are! This dazzling room to thee— Why, that's the sunlit world1 and we poor men Do bang our heads 'gainst every wall of it, And wonder why they ache. Our blunder ing feet Tramp rough-shod over nerves that twinge in pain We meddle daily with the mysteries, To frighten timid souls with buzzing talk Of laws of unknown things, and life, and death We burn our souls in many a garish lamp And many? a page lies stained with thovghts more rude Than beetles' legs could draw, and less in telligent. And yet, from out the gloom of our first flight, The primal twilightxf our ignorance, •Twas shining of a light that called us In. Pardon, fellow-blunderer! Mine's the fault, Impatient of the things I do myself. The fashion only altered. .Blunderers both! The one with open book and bruised heart, The other with his broken wings £nd feet. There, I'll blow out the light it troubles thee And here's a bit of wool to. dry thee on. Rest thee a moment till*thy"dazed head clears Then (there's the window open) go in peace— And may the gentle God, who made us both, When next I blunder in His mighty face. Do so with me. —William J. Long, in Outlook. Fate of Madison Jenks He Was a Pampered Cat, and Had a WOO Annuity. SOME a of the wealthiest cats in the world live in Harlem," said the theological student, who was talking about experiences -with cats. "I mean exactly what I say. There are cats here which have money in the bank, which live in luxury on their incomes. For there are scores of rich maiden ladies in Harlem who make cats their favorite companions, and when they die they leave the felines legacies, and fat ones, too. Guardians are appointed for the animals, and thus tht'y lead a life of feline ease until the^fir^sof the ninth life are extinguished. "When my friend Dalton's elderly maiden aunt died, some time ago, she left a legacy of $600 a year to her pet Maltese cat, Madison Jenks, a name be- 7 a stowed on the animal in memory of a lover who died many years ago, and di rected in her will that Dalton should be its guardian. As long as the cat lived he was to provide it with every care and dainty, and when it died the $600 aVear was to go to Dalton, to be used as he pleased. To make sure that Madison Jenks obtained all the care and cat luxuries she wished him to have, Dal ton's aunt specified in her will ji long list of things to be purchased every week, and directed that the bills should be sent regularly to the executor of her estate to be audited. The executor was also to vi^it the cat once a month to as sure himself that Dalton was not neg- lectful. "Well, Dalton took the cat to his home in Manhattan avenue and was highly pleased to have direct charge of Madison Jenks and the $600 a year, for he calculated that an annual expendi ture of $50 would cover the cat's re quirements, thus leaving $550 a year for his own and his children's numerous needs. But when he went to .the exeeu tor at the end of the flret huartei^ to draw his first installm&it'-of the $600 Dalton found, to his amazement and chagrin, that under the provisions of his aunt's will he had had to spend two thirds of the money due, leaving only a beggarly $50 for himself. He returned home chewing cloves and steeped in thought. "Mrs. Dalton was equally amazed and chagrined and joined Dalton in his lam entations. It seemed impossible to evade the heavy expenditures for Mad ison Jenks. The executor, who taught in a Sunday school and was a conscien tious man, insisted that every specifi cation in Dalton's aunt's will which re lated to Madison Jenks should be ful filled to the letter. 'And so,' sighed Mrs. Dalton, gloom ily, 'we must continue! to pay., $400 out of the $600 every year until tiiaf impu dent cat dies.' 'Until he dies!' ./ "Dalton kissed her. Then hedanced. He would have stood on his head, but the children had: assembled tcl.take piyt in the family gjoom and such "an ujp sending of the parental anatomy he' deemed ruinous to parental -authority, 'Funny it never occurred to me be fore,'- he said. 'What never occurred to you be fore?' asked Mrs, Dalton, astonished by his actions. 'That Madison Jenk^ bad been look ing mighty feeble of late and is liable to drop off almost any day,' returned Dalton, scanning the chandelier in a meditative fashion. "Mrs. Dalton scanned the carpet pat terns. She was a good woman, and her mind and heart did not bend easily-to a suggestion of crime but $400 a year for a bloated, lazy, good-for-nothing cat when the children needed— 'Rough on rats wouldn't do, would it?' she ventured, still eyeing the pat terns. 'No,' answered'Dalton. 'That pes tiferous lynx-eyed executor would in sist on an autopsy, and have the courts set'Aside the legacy on the grounds of 4 malfeasance li office, contributory neg ligence, or some other.of his legal quib^ )ile8.': :V 1 ton further, but he said -the interview was at an end for the time being, so she went about her household duties^ "It was half-past ten when Mrs. Dal ton sniffed the air vigorously and V" 'The cat must be medium-sized, very much bloated and lazy,' explained Dal ton to the youthful saleswoman who approached him in the last animal shop he visited. ".'I've got exactly what you want said she, indicating a sleeping feline in the show windows Dalton examined it, and a smile of ecstatic joy overspread his countenance. It was Madison Jenks all over again—bloated, lazy and utter ly worthless. The cat was a bargain, said the saleswoman $3.98. Dalton told her to keep the change and he bolted for home. 'Whatever you do, Katie,' said he to the hired girl, 'do not turn the gas on Madison Jenks the second, and never forget the name. You may forget, how ever that there ever was a Madison Jenks the first, and be sure you-mention not the fact of his sudden taking off.' ." 'It was a narrow escape,'he told his wife that night. 'I'm glad you said noth ing about that cat's death to the chil dren.' And the peace of mind of the: adult inmates thus restored, the Dalton household .Settled down to its usual repose and vocations. Madison Jenks' successor took kindly to its new. en vironment, as well it might, for nfrver was a feline: so^{a^iiere%^v!ii^tehe!d: with such ahxidus care 'The executor will be up Saturday,' said- Dalton to Mrs. Dalton, one Wednesday evening, as he returned from the office. 'Well, I hope Madison Jenks II. will be on hand/ returned she. 'I haven't seen him all afternoon/ although I am sure he is about the house.' t, "But on Thursday the feat was still missing. Dalton nearly hgff a fit when the delinquency was r^po&ed to him at night, and a prolonged search was made. It came to naught. CO] 'ff: 'Disappearance is also wit of the question, too, I suppose?' continued Mrs. Dalton, managing to raise her eyes from the piano legs. _" 'Quite,' returned Dalton with de cision. 'Madison Jenks must meet with a fatal accident. He sleeps in the hired girl's room, doesn't h'e?' If "'Yes,' said Mrs. Dalton, wondering ly, but what has that got to do with .Madison Jenks' ill-health or sudden de mise?' 'Nothing much/ Dalton replied, 'only this is the hired girl's night Off, I believe?' I "'It is/ returned Mrs. Dalton, still perplexed. 'Very well,' continued Dalton, 'let h«h* stay away all night.' "'She always does,'Mrs. Dalton an swered, and would have questioned Dal- sus piciously. Her hair was in curl-papers and Dalton had already turned in. 'Don't you smell gas?' she inquired anxiously. 'My dear,' retorted Dalton from his pillow, 'your overactive imaginatibn will be your undoing.' "Nevertheless, she visited the chil dren's rooms, the parlor, the dining room, and the library before she was satisfied that it-might have been, a trick of her imagination or lack of olfactory discrimination. "Early the next morning she was .rOused from a sound slumber by a loud rap at her chamber door. The Hired girl stood without, sobbing hysterically and trembling violently. 'It's about Madison Jenks,* she gur gled, wildly. 'I didn't know I went out last night and left the gas on, indeed, I didn't, Mrs. Dalton indeed, and double deed, I didn't.' "Mrs. Dalton followed the hired girl to the latter's room. The odor of es caping gas which saluted her nostrils nearly overpowered her, and she was forced to gasp for breath. The hired girl r.ushed in and threw open the win dow. Mrs. Dalton entered as soon as she deemed it safe. There on his silken pallet lay Madison Jenks, stark and stiff in the eternal sleep. "'Never mind, Katie,' she said,kind ly, to the distracted girl. 'Accidents will happen. The escaped gas will not be deducted from your wages, so don't worry.' 'But Madison Jenks—what will Mr. Dalton say sobbed the hired girl. 'Of course, I'm very, very sorry that Madison Jenks is dead, Katie,' said Dal ton, when beseeched by Mrs. Dalton to soothe the perturbed girl, 'for I loved him, as did-we all. Mr. Briefs, the ex ecutor, will probably come home, with me to dinner, and then you must tell him how it happened. Here's a dollar to buy perfume for your room.' "Dalton wore a black necktie and a grave expression when he presented himself at the office of the executor that morning. 'You have called at a most opportune moment,' began the ex ejeutor, as* soon as Dalton entered, 'for I have important news for you. We have discovered another will Of your aunt, which subsequents the one pro bated by seven months. In this one. which I shall have recorded at once, $900 a year is allowed for the maintenance of your lamented aunt's cat, although the provisions are slightly different from those incorporated info the pro bated instrument. You are to have, charge of Madison Jenks until his de mise, in which event, if you clearly prove that death was due exclusively to natural causes, the legacy is yours. But should the cat's death be due to acci dent or design, then the money goes to the Society for Supplying Spyglasses to Shipwrecked Sailors. Besides, it is set forth that I must inspect the catonce ev ery two weeks instead of once a month, as before. Permit me to congratulate you on "this addition to your income.* "That afternoon a man in a black necktie was scouring the. length and breadth of Harlem with a basket on his arms. For hours he rushed in and out of those establishments which keep small animals for sale and excitedly de manded a Maltese cat—a replica of Madisdh Jenks. :v 1 'The cat is somewhei*& %tfout 'the1 house, know/insisted Mrs. Dalton^ 'There is no possible way by which he could run off, and I'm sure he doesn't want to, after the treatinent he has^ been getting and I will look again in thfe morning. I, et,^ for dawned and the storm of doubtn4&4jj&. 4 J57*'' taoa with a sinking' fill wife revived his the basket* «#do heart. $But spirits. Shi Dalton took^lie Hint. Til try again/ muttered Dalton, be tween his clenched teeth. A shout of* joy arrested him as. he started away with the basket on his arm. 'Papa! Bapat^ called one of children .from the cellar. 'We've found Maaison.'Jenks hiding in a nest behind the coal.' "Dalton waited to.hear no more., He kicked'the basket into the:street and fled rejoicing to his office, He called 'round at| the executor's place after business hours and escorted Himhome to view the cat and take dinner, Din ner came first, and then the executor remarked courteously that, as a mere matter of form, of course, he would like to inspect Madison Jenks. Dalton told one of the children to fetch the cat in. 'Why, we can't g^t him up from the Cellar, papa/ exclaimed one of the youngsters. 'He's still hiding in. the nest he made.' 'Don't disturb the little ones,'plead ed the executor, 'we can run down and look at him where he is, if you don't mind.' "Preceded by the children Dalton and the executor descended to the cellar* One.of the juveniles more adventure* some than the others scaled the coal pile and made for Madison Jenks' nest. 'Pull him out, Oliver,' charged Dal ton. There was a short scuffle, a tre mendous spitting, yowling and claw ing, but the victorious boy landed Mad ison Je^ks all right and held the cat up to view by the scruff of the neck. 'Do you want these other ones, too?' asked the boy. 'Do I want what?'gasped Dalton. "'Madison Jenks' kittens!' shouted the boy, as he threw the squirming cat to the ground and scooped from the nest-in the coal a half-dozen mewing, spluttering, blind, little felines, ..the? progeny of the mis-identified Madison' Jenks. 'We were waiting to surprise you with them,'concluded the discover er, proudly. 'Well,'- said-Dai ton that night, as Mrs.* Dalton endeavored to Hubdue the inflammation 6t her eyes \rith rose- water, 'of course I hate to lose the mon ey, but darn a cat, anyway!' "And the $900 a j'ear, what became ot it?'* aslcedthe others. "You'll have to ask the, Society- for Supplying Spyglases to Shipwrecked ShUors," returned -the theological&t u dent, passing his cup for the third help ing.—N. Y. Sun. SAT UP IN HER GRAVE. Thievish Propensities of a Sexton Saved' a Woman Who Was Burled Alive. "Near Ilfracomb, in the southern por tion of England," said John Tapscott, from that country, to a reporter, "a lady of great wealth and social position was buried some time prijr to 1820. By the way, she was a cousin to my mother, from whom I learned the some what remarkable story I am going to tell you. When the lady in question was buried there ^ras upon her finger a large and valuable diamond ring. The sexton who officiated at the funeral was aware of this fact and it excited his cupidity. He reasoned that he Was poor, "the'lady was dead and the valuable jewel could be df no possible use to her down in the cold, dark tomb, but could he possess it the cash it would bring would buy many comforts for his wife and little ones. He resolved to disinter the body and steal the ring. About the hour of mid night following the burial he stealthily exhumed the lady, opened her coffin by the pale glimmer of a waning moon, and, lifting the white, dainty hand, at tempted to take off the beautiful riirg. It fitted so tight, however, that he could not remove it, and, desiring to get through with the grewsome task as quickly as possible, he1 took out his pocketknife, intending to amputate the finger which refused to give up its pre cious jewel. "No sooner had he made an incision than the supposed dead woman sud denly sat bolt upright in her coffin. The startled sexton, frightened almost to death, fled with the speed of an Ameri can cannon ball train. "You see, the lady was in a cataleptic state and supposed to be dead. The mo ment the sexton's knife entered the flesh her nervous system responded with the rapidity of telegraphy, the cir culation started up and she began tb breathe. The cool night air soon re vived her enough foe her to get out of the coffin and walk to her home, some mile or more away. Hinging the door bell her husband looked down from a second-story window and was startled at .seeing a ghostly, white-robed figure stahding on the porch below. He was too frightened to come down, but after repeatedly ringing the bell the door was finally opened by a servant. After the consternation of the moment was over a most happy reunion followed between the lady and her household. "The poor sexton was not only not prosecuted for grave robbing, but the grateful lfidy pres^nted himf the coveted ring, while her husband gave liim a large sum of money. His greedy desire for the lady's ring had. been the means of her rescue from a horrible death, and her gratitude knew no bounds. She lived a number of years after this tragio event. "Another case occurred 'in England about this time," the gentleman contin ued, "in which an eight-year old girl was put into her coffin, but before it was closed a lady present fancied she saw a very slight heaving of her.breast. A mirror was held to the child's face, which was soon covered* with a faint Cloud of moisture. Restoratives we^e applied and she soon revived, After she grew up to womanhood this same per son wasitwice more coffined ready for burial and twice more rescued f^'oin living tomb. She finally died at the ad vanced age of 87, years and *was put into her fourth and last coffin." (Tex.) News. All1 Tlley Wanted Nothing Llfcft •t inj W' In Jin l" One day an old -farmer weht into a shoe repairer's shop: with pair ol^ld However, the childred^ boots that wanted mehding Very-badiy. On asking- the man if they would mend, the ihoe repairer,- after a long pause, said: expect he is hiding in the there are lots of mice up "Friday night the Dalton atmosphere was decidedly squally. Madison Jenksi wants doing tb them is sailing and heel was still invisible. Saturday morninf^inj$Vand new uppers-i-the lacesf keem [jfiirly goodie—Spare Momtents. ill ui, Oh, yes, sil», tHey will mend all -that *S ?o^niercIal GrowtM .(Jjfateii in/the v? History el Xation*.f address before the Jxew York Press association, at its forty-third an nual meeting recently, Mr. George H. the 6 New York Central.& Hudson^^er rail road, frochgraptift. t^e^t^p tjie late anc^^^^^^^rf^^f^^wi^g ia|pr|g- One of the remarkable statements of Mr. Mulhall, the-British.statistician, in ive take a survey of man kind, in ancient or modern times, as re gards t^e physical, methanical and in tellectual ¥3ree oiiiatioris, we find noth ing to cOm^ate with the United States, in this present year, 1895.' "Mr. MulhaU prdyed by his Statistics that th^working^pbw-er of a single per son in the United States was twice that sof a German* or Frenchman, -more thin Ithrce times that of .an Austrian arid pve times- that of an Italian. He .'said ithe. UTtfied States was then the richest (country in the world, its wealth exceed ing that of Great Britain by 35 per irent^"driad''a.'dded that in the history of the hu&an race no nation ever before possessed forty7one millions pf instruct ed citizens. "Should Mr. Mulhall revise his fig ures to-day, the differences would all be in favor of the United States, for in the past twelve months we have dem onstrated the superiority of our manu facturers in every, direction, and our ability to cope successfully with ques tions which have heretofore been bandied exclusively by the older na tions is recognized by all the world. "The four years that have inter vened between the time of your meet ing at Lake George and to-day have been years of great events and achieve ments. "I said at the Lake George meeting that 'one of the inevitable results of the war between Japan and China would be the opening to the commerce of the world of fields heretofore un known perhaps the richest on the globe,' and in' urging the members of the New York Press association to do everything in thteir power to secure to the United States a portion of the great sommerce to be developed between the western! nations and these twooldcoun tris of the world I asked three ques tions: 'Shall the grain in China, and Japan be harvested :by machines manufac tured along the lines of the New York Central, or will the manufacturers of England and Germany supply them? "Shall the fires in Yokohama and Tientsin be extinguished with engines built at Seneca Falls, or will France and England send their fire engines to Japan and China?. "Will the ^|omotives, to haul the fast mail trainsjbetween Yokohama and the interior' of jJapan and through the rich valiey of China, be built at Sche riectady or Dunkirk, or will our ori ental. friends and neighbors in the Pa cific buy them of our English cousins?' "I predicted that active efforts to ward the extension of American com merce by commercial bodies, supported by a liberal and "broad-minded policy on the part of our government, would undoubtedly 'sgc^re to the.United States the blessings thjj|.t come from a great and varied comniierce, and I said that the New York Pre9s 'association, and similar associations try, could stimulate all over the coun public spirit that would insure the important results out lined. "At that time we [had no idea that a war between one of the old nations of the earth and our young republic would be fought at thatitime we had no idea that American manufacturers would be furnishing locomoiives to the English railroads, as. well ^s Japanese, and no one thought four yeafs ago that Amer ican bridge builders would go into the open market and Successfully compete for the building o£ a great steel bridge in Egypt nor that in so brief a time American engineers would be building railroads into the interior of China from the most important seaports and fur nishing locomotives by the score to nearly eVery country on the globe. In a letter, from a friend in Tokio, Japan, written oily a short time ago, there was this significant sentence: 'You will be interested in knowing that I have hanging on the wall of my of fice a framed pictjure of your Empire State Express, and we expect in the hear future to bi hauling a Japanese Empire- Express fwith an American locomotive.' They have now in Japan nearly 100 locomotives that were built in the United Stktes. In Russia they have over'400 of raur locomotives, and nearly every railroad in Great Britain has ordered locontotives from this coun try since the beginning of the war with Spain. ji "In this connection it will be interest ing to note in pajssing that' the second. American locomotive was built at the West Point foundry near Cold Spring, on the Hudson river, and was called the Best Friend, and from that day to this the locomotive has been one of the best friends of all our people. "But it is not alone our locomtives that have attracted the attention of foreigners who hkve visited our shores, our railway equ jlment generally has commanded adr liration and is now receiving the nighest compliment, namely, imitation by many of our sis ter nations. "Prince Mifchel'Hilkoff, imperial min ister of railways bif Russia, has, since his visit to the United States a few years ago, cbnstruct^d a train on much the 3axne lines as the New York Central's Ldke Shore Limited. "Only a short 'time ago, at: the re quest of one' of the imperial commis sioneris of Germany, the New York Cen tral sent1 to Berlin photographs of the interior and exterior of our finest cars and other data in relation' to the op eration of American railways. Several Other countries have 'asked-for similar miii| ||ii nn^i'i wflking up of foreign qations on the ts of ^American railways l)I*ck '£ea Wr«ck».f'! crews iein s' ete is ho'paSH of the world vhich| his suoh «a blatefeire^pr(d tllor ivTPeck^ as narro^v Blaek sea. The number ii 4yejirs has|a^er^dj?ldrethan om .ay,:t^e gr^at^t number, of wrecks, fonded in qne vear #eirig 425, and th# lallest 134." ^boutj-isO* per' pjeini.! of "ie vessels became total wrecks, all l'ost.-4jf. Y. Sun. Not to Be EzMtci. Magistrate—Yo'u are charged with stealing a dog.. What have yon to •ay? Prisoner (sullenly)—The dog fol lowed me 'ome. ^Magistrate—But the constable says it did so because you had some liver about you. v/ Prisoner (impudently)1—'Well, a man ean't walk about without 'i» liver, can 'e?—Tit-Bits. She Knew Her Leasoa. He kissed the maid upon the cheek. And when the deed was done, The good book's teaching she obeyed* 'And .turned the other one. —Chicago Daily News. TRIED TO BB COMFL.IMK2CTAHY. "Good-by, dear I think your new house is charming—not a bit what I expected."—Ally Sloper. Her Epitaph. A victim to her wantonness. Her folly soon is told. She went to bed in her bathing-dress And caught her death ot —Judge. cold. To Accord with the Fact. "Will some one in the class," asked the teacher of rhetoric, "give a better form to the sentence: 'John can ride the mule if*he wants to?' 'John can ride the mule if the mule wants him to,' said the boy with the bad eye.—Chicago Tribune. Hla Choice. Angri Waldo—If you wuz actually obliged to work, Bill, w'ot would you sooner be? Beery Billings (thoughtfully)—Well, I t'ink in a case like dat I'd sogper be a barrel uv cider.—Judge. There Are Others. Askins—What do you think of Van Dubby? Grimshaw—Oh, he is the kind of a fool that whenever he opens his mouth you can see right through his head.— N. Y. World. Retribution. Two blades of grass he made to grow. Where one grown before, And when 'twere up to him to mow His lawn, he cursed full sore. —Detroit Journal. MORE RUDENESS. "Hi, miss! w?y don't yer 'ave a pair O* stilts built for 'im?"—-Ally Sloper. Good Practice. That our baby will be a physician I can tell by his actions right now. For, to judge by his present position, His night calls are frequent, I vow. —N. Y. World. His Diplomatic Reply. "Do you think she would have mar ried him if he hadn't been wealthy?" "Well, you know, he understood that if he hadn't been wealthy he couldn't have supported her." Philadelphia North American. Almost a Model. "Oh, mamma, I'm miserable. I know that I'm not fully in Harold's confi dence. Did papa ever keep anything from you, mamma?" "Nothing that is, nothing but money."—Tit-Bits. Very Rare. Adaline—When I marry I shall se lect a man who resembles an arc light. Mae—Gracious! in what way? Adaline—Not to go out at night and never smoke.—Chicago Daily News. A Cold Diet. Tom—I'm afraid that Bessie's love for me has grown cold. Dick—That's what you get for feed ing her so much ice cream.—N. Y. Jour nal. Needed by the Best and Worst. A really good golf player must have nerve." "And so must a really bad golf play er. It must take a lot of nerve to play when you don't know how."—Puck. A Pressing Need. The motor ne'er will wholly drive Old-fashioned'"horses from the land, Unless inventors shall contrive A kind that guides with just one hand. —L. A. W. Bulletin. Thoroughly Buslnesslllce. First burglar—What happened the other night when you fellows tried to crack that bank and were scared off?, Second Burglar The watchman drew on U3 at sight.—Town Topics. Papa's Indulgence. George—Do ydu think'that your fa ther will consent to our marriage? Ethel—Oh, .yesl,, He has always humored my silliest wishes.—Cincin-* nati Enquirer. 4 0 -A a -£. ^stM don't fifce tfe loriEis oifb£ boy I saw jtm playteg with «b tkt strait.. tm ppfcta't had little boys, you llonrl Son—Oh! he ain't a tad fittle he?, mamma! He's a good little boy? He's been to the reform school two and they've let him oat each fined* count of good behavior!—Pack. Has* HI* Ayfnvsl, "Doesn't ft annoy yon to se»jowr»cU ridiculed so frequently iartte yyiai "Not a biy Mtswerti FsnaerCfln* tossel. "THe more they pfeter arc guileless hayseed fltat mmybugf fcf» gold-brick, the better I Bke H. It makes summer hoarders more ems*' pickras."—Washington Star, Wrmgel. Mr. Rockingham—What! Trust my daughter in your care for life? Jferar! Why, to begin with, yon haven't the faintest idea of the value of money! Young Courtleigh—I haven't, eh? Say, what do yon think I want to her for, anyway?—Chicago Ti Herald. Pre-Eaptci. "Found," cried the explorer, as the north,pole hove in sight. **I annex this district in the name of my gracious sovereign." "Too late," murmured a native, la conically.^ "All this district Is under the control of the ice trust."—Philadel phia North American. Repaired Assistance. Klubbman (on getting home at three a. m.) Special meetin' at etna, m'dearsh, an' (iie) really couldn't g«t 'way tili now. Mrs. Klubbman—And who finally helped you?—Town Topics. His Choice. No doubt he is a nice man. And his wares command a price But I wouldn't be the Ice man. I would rather be the ice. —Washington Star. AUBIGl'OCS. Customer—I want to get a note booh Something that I can carry in my pock et to jot down my ideas in— Clerk—Oh you want something very small, then?—Harlem Life. Favored. No wonder the mosquito rings While foraging about. This life to him is nothing but A grand, sweet free-lunch route —Washington Star. Jast an Uvea Thisg.. "If I could have had your money without you," he said, "we never would have been married." "And if I could have had your title without you," she answered, "you'd still be hunting for a wife."—Chicago Post. Clreamstaatlal Evldeaee. Husband (after the performance)—1 didn't enjoy the show very much I for got my glasses. Wife—Perhaps you did, dear, but your breath doesn't indicate it.—Chi cago Daily News. Not What She Wanted. "These cookies," said the dealer, "are so good that you can hardly get enough of them." "Give me something else," replied the woman. "I keep a boarding hrfuse."— Chicago Post. Statistics. When it comes to turning the tables On people, one thing we've learned—* The average table of figures may Be on anybody turned. —Detroit Journal. CAUGHT IN THE ACT. Pious Female—Do people c&me into the church on a week-day to pray? Old Man-^Yes, mum I cstched a couple ,of 'em at it lastweek!—Sketch, jf' Friendly Comment. Mudge—It is an awful thing to realize you have made an egregiona ass of your self, isn't it? Yabsley—Ain't you used to.it yet?— Indianapolis Journal. "No," said the father to his tmdutrfnl so?», fgn't ask you to respect m. When 1 t&ink whose father I don't respect myself#-— Ix Journal. Post^vq Testfassi, ?5Lou needn't tell me," averred Mt— Batchgurl, "that golf isn't good exer- stronger In^tlamis 3Artr£that yon cat* scarcely breathe!"—Chicago Tribune. Ir 1' JLunt Julia, do yon think it is a dia grtee to cUe poor?" s. ^0, DaVId bat amamma (to her lautssl: s^ssd MhtIrk mf piesse timtbmtm her le- A sew this SMrsog? 'J wager. wWl yew fore jim ts tamess this aMCKSg* hsow how mfmd ot her I "Cgtwdy/wpBiii Mr. inisi Bgiy "eatmmbf. The thst ever ersefced a eap or k»!«ar The vsfisat ArehAaM pvisea hiisi'ff sod lm friends by of "ntfrn fee dneeadei ts Ae I steatarisa ts— brxretj atkfateswd the servant: "Tlsiy jMevahemf 1 snrtharrrsffaowL. hat, shemf—Mn. Braes asfted me to tetf jtm that ahe waats, shelf—to ipeak yoa sfter I have pne to the Fraaeseo 3few» Letter. ygsaa Awg yaa gaesriac aatat? PilsoB Oh, so they'd rsie ae sat as a pnfasnai. "PlppfmsiBsaiy "Yes yon fcatm 1 mm euaawteil with t» weather bmemm."—Ohio State JoarssL ^ha ms is very anaojrisg,' wriesm grBtiesMm. "Ton ram time mj boose mseateni bj a WeO, I jeHed 'robbera' with aS a 1^"-^ Indianapebs Hen peek- The is so beasts fair Mrs. *b£id$'r woaldn't either 'a yoa've gat." foaertf I wsat it read over service is ae when I die. Mr. Henpeefc—Certaislyf There's soaw thing it shsot **Here eadeCh the fine lesson, isn't there?—Kansas City Inde pendent. Barnes Tonaer—Be who entertains the fickle pobiie. ar, Iea«i» a dog's ate. StrwMpr—Ton don't mean fo toil ok am are the barker for the show?—fefisnapote Jonraal. TOB wooW. gras^aia. fjJAft kmaonofetceA —Phiiadefyina Krfletia. Where He ~Whst he fameof that wiMB-iswof yow»who&iM ra bvmneasahoatayesraso? HashetKKnn his feet mtrr Bn0tf*-"!rO he is still am my bands. —Ohio State iftmntal. Bacon—-**1^ ean ondentasd why jrmr wrfe- t.hat ^^nerjan staff heavraiy Bfosic. Egbert—"Bertram it thunder, I •appose."—Tcwfans ICasEthel-^MnsieL m§ dooa^ jtm, T*t. So much of the happiness of Bfe depea* 5To ms shoaid he hsptfeas so lotqf as he has two good, honest friends his hands. —L A. W. Ballet in. kb a good thing to be a awo of »ne $*», M^ea Hen. Jndaoa W. ht^ enoogh.—Kaas'a Automobile or not to nwbfTe jeeias th« qoestjoa st issae.-Cydh* Ga- The man who goes throagh Irfe aloae aea erafly^has poor eoapsnjr.—Chicago iMf Songs about the Klondike slkmfd be writ ten in a "miner" k«y.-L A. W. SaOetia. Figures may not Be, hot estimates am often misleading.—Chicago Daily Sewn. Whea a river has a ran tm its hsshs floats a lot of stoek.—L. A. W. Bailetim. REfiisnx Hon. Jiidson W XTnited States Trt Washington, D. C., it OF imsm. I^onsw Kegister of the •arjr, in a letter firesa A*ssi,fli Pe-ra-mr Drag JPfg Co, 6entleaK»—1 fad IVra-as to be eSB*fiea£ fsr tkt of spring la4 t&us^ who saSer 1mm Apaeaasa hwa' heat of thesmamerwiBi Walrf Fs-rskaa. Jfo nan Is 1 worfd Uate Mm w. W on every piece of mtmej of tTSTshta'. •ddms is Aogaita, Ga. HeSsaawaheref tW Ustioaal a praahwBt ml inftHBtial politician. Be »afsrticater* that mfaatsm, luiiiaai cea^isSat, Bffioas eoGev ^y^tetj an eaehaadsli ef thebaweh. Grtank lost a single awfa]1r ^•rt^r part his liiii of