Newspaper Page Text
g-m r i .i I., ,- i i r ..I 1 1 n. ti a.. . -f T i n
Central Park Visitor Said He Saw a Goat Smoke
NEW YORK. Bob Hurton, assistant keeper of tho zoo in Control park, waa
entering tho Hon house tho other afternoon when a young man staggered
across tho walk and leaned against him for support.
"What's tho troublor Hurton
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On tho way to tho lot back of the elephant houso Hurton mot Bill Sny
der, the head keeper. "
"What's this I hear about a smoking goat?" Hurton asked his chief.
Snyder was perplexed by the question, but, with Hurton, he followed the
visitor who had discovered tho zoological phenomenon.
In the lot was Perfecto, a large ram, presented to the menageries by the
manager of a circus. Perfecto was standing In the center of tho inclosure.
There was a far-away look upon his face, and he was holding in his mouth
half of a cigar. In telling tho story later, Snyder said that the cigar was
burning and that Perfecto was puffing away at It in evident onjoyment.
Snyder took one look at the goat and then ho felt In the pocket of his vest,
where he usually carries his cigars. Tho pocket was empty.
"You thief I" ho cried, shaking a fist at the goat
Ho remembered petting Perfecto Just a few mlnutos before, and he was
of the opinion that the goat had stolen his cigar. The animal, ho explained,
had been named Perfecto because of his fondness for tobacco. Ho had been
taught to smoke by tho employes of the circus.
"But, Bill, how did he get a llghtr Hurton asked.
"That's nothing," said Snyder. "You remember in 1810 the case of the
weeping grampus "
But Bob had lied.
Substitute for Young Bride Fined for Forgery
NEWPORT, R. I. If Hattlo Belmar of this city ever gets another chance to
act as a substitute for a blushing bride who is too young to get a mar
riago license It is more than likely that before accepting tho position she will
demand to be Introduced to the real
bride. It is not by any means certain
that she will take the Job at all, but
if the bride is so constructed that
Miss Bolmar's clothes do not fit her
she will havo to look elsewhere for a
substitute, for Miss Belmar won't
even discuss the proposal. As a mat
ter of fact, she was sent to Jail.
When Albert E Evans, a cook at
the naval station, decided to marry
Alfreda Gulmond and told her so he
was looking Into her eyes. Whon he
considered her from afar and noted her slzo and youthful appearance ho felt
that there was no chance of getting a license to marry. She 1b only seven
teen and doesn't show her age. So ho spoke to Hattlo Belmar about It, and
she said she would gladly get n license to be used by the youthful bride.
They got It. Albert thanked Hattie and married Alfreda.
Alfreda's parents were amazed and went to Rev. Arthur Crane, who had
performed the ceremony, to demand an explanation All that he knew was
that there had been a Uconse and everything looked all right.
Then the parents moved on the city hall. The city clerk, with argument,
said that he had never given a license to any seventeen-year-old girl and
would like to see her. Alfreda, the bride, got the clothes of Hattie, the sub
stitute, to deceive the city clerk.
The bride Is short, the substitute Is tall, and 'the clothes looked as It
they had been thrown on tho bride from an upper window.
City clerk wise; parents angry; police alert; bridegroom garrulous; sub
When Miss Belmar was arraigned in court, charged with forging the
license, she was fined 115, with costs of $2.60. She remarked that she con
sidered that sum as a very tidy one and had no Idea where she could get It
handily. So the bridegroom went calling on frionds to make up enough to
smooth over the entire wedding. '
Birmingham Will Aid "Spooners" in the Parks
BIRMINGHAM, ALA. All embargoes heretofore maintained against "spoon
ing" in tho public parks of this city havo been lifted, and so long as the
habit Is confined to legitimate lovemaklng, whether It bo done In the dark
encouragement to "legitimate spooning" In the parks this summer. By
"legitimate spooning" he means lovemaklng. Every engaged and courting
couplo will be allowed the uso of tho parks.
Tho police 'are Instructed to watch the parks and see that real lovers
are not Interfered with. Orders are given to stop all really questionable
Commissioner of Streets and Parka Weatherly says plenty of benches
will be provided In the parks. He declares the city has no right to regulato
love affairs, and his department of streets and parks will pursuo the policy
of "hands off" from these dellcato and sacred matters.
Mrs. Wilson Searlght, head of the welfare department that protects and
assists young girls, believes tho new policy of protecting lovers la all right
in principle, and she will do her part to help thorn.
"Honesty the Best Policy" Brought Into Play
INDIANAPOLIS, IND. The old slogan, "Honesty Is tho best policy," was
brought Into play the other night at tho union station when a pockotbook
containing $520 was found by a young man, who said ho was formerly a bell
boy In a St. Louis hotel. The owner
of tho pockotbook proved to be a
wealthy cattle owner of Oklahoma
City, who refused to give his name.
According to tho bellhop, ho had
arrived from Chicago on an evening
train, and not knowing the' city, had
stopped In the station to inquiro the
location of a hotel when he espied tho
pockotbook under a bonch. After ex
amining It and finding the large
amount of money and ono of the
ranchman's cards, ho began to call
out tho name which tho card boro. At the first call the cattle ownor re
sponded and grow very excited whon ho discovered hla loss, explaining that
be was on his way to Buffalo to bo married.
Tho bellboy then presented the pockotbook to its ownor, and after tho
ranchman had satisfied himself that the contents were all there ho proceedod
to give tho flndor n flvo-cont lead pencil and a lecturo that "Honesty is tho
"Huh," observed the boy as the cattleman mado his way to a train, " tli
a hard, hard world."
. . His Objection.
Mrs. Hanklno (after morning serv-
' Ico) Why didn't you like tho now roo-
Jlahklns I don't think tho man la
sincere. Tho idoa of choosing tho
Golden Rule for his text, and then
preaching to ua for more than' two
hoiirB. Puck. ,
"I Uilnk I haro seen something.
I bo"10' naTe a doctor," tho agitated
The young man explained then
that, unless he had boon tho victim
' an 'l'UB,on Hurton was noeded be-
U1UU WIO UUlIlitll UUUBOi
"Have tho elophants broken
loose T" Hurton askod. ,
"No," the visitor said. "But I
think I bbw a goat smoking a cigar."
or under tho shadow of the electrlo
lights, there Is to be no pollco Inter
For several years young men and
women have been complaining that
their courting privileges were unrea
sonably restricted, and many pro
tests were lodged with tho city com
mission against tho police.
Judge A. O. Lane, commissioner
of public Justice, determined to change
the regulations. He declares that tho
city will offer every protection and
iYOU WITH WS
lit- f EttCll
Wo Got You, Madam.
Mrs. Kawlor So youo a grown-up
son in Now York. Is ho doing woll
Mrs. Blundorby My boy Is doln8
splendid. He's working In tho office
of an artichoke, a mau who drawa
houses, you know." Boston Evening
Transcript, . ,'
" JgfKvf'MUST BECN
'dr W DIPPY WHCHICQT
On - tWjgj P0 AT K0-
l-O fi YOUREj
. ww-1 , if-fc-- v jus 'imt..
-i ... . Sf, i 4 s .
NOTHING ELSE TO DO :
By AMELIA COHEN.
Miss Pcarllo Fattorshall dabbed at
hor forehead with a wadded handkor
chief and fan hor finger around tho
collar of her blouBe In an Irritated
"Geo!" she breathed to tho stenog
rapher from acrosB tho hall who had
brought hor lunch over to Miss Fnt
torshall's offico, whoro thoro was a
breeze. "This weathor Is fierce I This
1& tho sort of thing that makes mo
hato to work for a living. I want to
put dynamite bombs under all tho
hammocks wherein swing languid
ladles In lace frocks reading tho latest
thriller and getting away with bon
bons while father or husband docs the
tolling down townl Yes, I do!"
"Why, I never heard you talk bo!"
cried tho stenographer from across
tho hall. "You'vo alwayB been per
"The best of ub have our off days,"
said Miss Fattorshall gloomily,. "When
It gets to bo 110 in tho shade I general
ly abandon my noble theories and be
co mo a lady anarchist! Just as soon
as It gets cool you will find mo back at
tho old stand preaching patience con
tentment and contempt for tho ldlo
"Even now," went on Miss Fattor
shall, "with tho perspiration trickling
down my complexion In llttlo ditches
I can stlllh-emomber that the ldlo rich
have their troubles. Why, It was Just
bocauso Bho had nothing else to do
that my boss' daughtor, Genovlevo
Pyo, picked up hor foreign count and
bellevo me, she has been busy ever
since! Her dally program has been
something llko this: Seven a. m.,
cable papa for funds. Eight a. m., sco
Gluseppo's creditors and stavo them
off Nine a. m cable to sco if papa
has got tho first cable and urge haste.
Ten a. m., explain to Giuseppe why I
cannot pay his new gambling debts.
Eleven a. m cable to papa for addi
tional funds. Noon, seo more of
Gluseppo's creditors. After lunch
pawn my diamond earrings and pay
tho grocery bill. Two p. m., cablo papa
for more "
"Goodness!" gasped tho stenograph
er from across tho hall, "If it's as bad
as that I should think she would pack
up and como homo!"
"Oh, dear no!" explained Miss Fat
torshall. "She likes too well to be
spoken of nnd to as 'countess.' She
can stand eight months of horrors
over there Just to pass four months In
Chicago each year and have all her old
girl friends turn green with envy and
rage at her note paper with Giuseppe's
gorgeous coat of arms on It and at tho
way tho butlers announce. 'The Count
ess dl Fllppa Flazazza!' whenever she
enters a room!
"Think how you'd feel aftor you'd
gone to school with a girl and knew
pho didn't know any mora than you
did and you had swiped all her beaus
In those days without any effort nt all
think how It would make you feel
if your name was Mary Smith and hers
sounded like tho whole alphabet set to
"I don't say that It's a brainy form
of amusement, but Genevieve appears
to find it worth while! At least sho
endures Giuseppe for the sake of it.
I saw him at the wedding and well, I
wouldn't change places with Genev
ieve, not oven with all this hot
"And again," wont on Miss Fatter-
Bhall meditatively, "there's Mrs. Pye
herself! She's got thq house on the
boulevard and the summer place at
Lake Geneva and tho hunting lodgo
up In the mountains and the yacht to
look after and, como to think of It,
that must tako some time! Gee!
Wouldn't you llko to feel that twice
ovory year you had to seo that nine
hundred and forty-eleven rooms were
all cleaned and that there were enough
sheets and pillowcases for a young
hotel with tho monograms Just right
and tho refrigerator on tho boat was
stocked for instant sailing to any spot
and that buttons were nil on Papa
Pye's 60 suits of pajamas and that
you hadn't forgotten any of tho hun
dreds of birthdays and anniversaries
on your llBt and that Christmas was
looming up ahead with another list
nnd all tho winter's program of bw11
dinner parties to make! Besides get
ting your wardrobe of GO dresses In
"Mercy goodness!" Miss Fatter
shall gasped and survoyed the stenog
rapher from across the hall with
round eyes. "Doesn't It mako you
ache all over to think about It? And
every blessed thing I havo to do after
working all day is to hustle homo and
get into fresh clothes and hang up my
other dress and walk to tho Ice cream
parlor with Jimmy in tho cool of tho
evonlng! So-a-a-y! I guess wo don't
havo it so bad after all!"
"No," agreed tho stenographer from
ucroBB tho hall quito cheerfully, "It
looks as though wo had a soft snap!'
Secret Is Out
While roaming around the second
hand bookshop wo ran into a young
woman who aspired to bo a leading
literary light and possibly tho author
ess of next season's best seller. And
to further that end she was hunting
for books that had outrun their copy
right. Sho was going to takp ideas
from them, change them about and
improve the plots and people. This,
she had been told by some ono "who
knows all about It," was tho way
every ono succeeded! And thon, in
genuously, "How over did thoso peo
ple manage who had to mako up their
own stories T" Staggorjng thought,
Her First Visit.
Mre. Youngbrldo I'd llko some flsh
please. What aro those In tho bar
Clerk Salt mackerel, ma'am.
Mrs. Youngbrlde Aro thoy quite
fresh? Boston Evonlng Transcript
Mra. Short Thoso now neighbors of
ours aro very shiftless.
Short How do you know?
Mrs. Short Whenever I wont to bor
nw Jany thing thoy Hover have It
"SUCCEEDS IN CANADA
An Interesting and euccossful Ameri
can farmer, Low Palmer, of Stavoloy,
Alta., passod through tho city today.
Mr. Pnlmor camo from Dulutb, Minn.,
Just ton years ago, and brought with
him four cows and threo horses and
that waB his all. Ho homesteadod lu
tho Stavoloy district, and today has
480 acres of land, $3,000 worth of Im
plements, 34 Porcheron horses, mado
$1,000 out of hogs last year, raised
7,000 bushels of wheat, G.000 bushels
of oats, 12 acres of potatoes, and 13
tons of onlonBt His farm and stock is
worth $30,000, and ho mado It all in
ten years. Excliangc. Advertisement
No man can talk qulto bo eloquently
as hla money.
Practises Watchful Waiting.
"How often do you cut your grass?"
"Every time my neighbor has his
Not Out of Place.
Twamley Wouldn't girls look funny
If they had nustaches on their lips?
Sammy I guess thoy havo them
there pretty often, but the lights
aro generally turned too low to see If
thoy look funny.
Important to Mothers .
Examine carefully every bottlo of
CASTORIA, a safe and sure remedy for
Infants and children, and ceo that It
In Use For Over 30 Years.
Children Cry for Fletcher's Caatoria
Maw Has the Last Word,
Willie Paw, Is there a man in tho
Paw No, my son. It Is a woman.
Willlo But maw says there Is a
man in tho moon.
Paw Your maw 1b wrong. If It
was a man It wouldn't change so
Maw You go to bed, Willie.
Embarrassing for Rector.
A rector of a certain English church
Is a somewhat portly gentleman, and
a little inclined to bo pompous. Ho
owns a small terrier called Rags.
On ono occasion last summer Rags
escaped from his guardian and wan
dered Into the church Just as his mas
ter was facing tho congregation, hold
ing up the alms basin In both hands.
That was Rags' opportunity. He mado
a bee line for the chancel, and pausing
beforo his inaBtcr, whoso eyeB wero
piously elevated to the ceiling, he sat
up and begged!
Delight of the wicked and horror of
Incubation of China's Egg.
In Its present form the constitution
of China abolishes the cabinet and con
verts Its members, with a slnglo excep
tion, into departmental chiefs. Tho
exception Is i that of secretary of state,
who Is continued in charge of foreign
affairs under tho title of "kuo-wuch-Ing,"
and whose office Is to be or
ganized after the model of the United
States. Other clauses debar the legis
lature from participation in tho mak
ing of high appointments or the nego
tiation of treaties and establish a con
sultative board, with which tho presi
dent is to determine all financial mat
ters. Last, but by no means least the
president is declared the supreme
jome j inese
New Fancied Foods
Are Mighty Good.
v People are sometimes slow to 'changeeven in symmer
from the old-time heavy breakfast of fried bacon or ham
and eggs. ,
But the "world moves," and in thousands of homes a
wise change has been made to the new-time breakfast
These sweet flavoury flakes of corn, toasted
are mighty good" from every angle. Labor-saving nourishing delicious! ' Av
HOME' LOOKED -Q00D TO HIM
Boston Man Returns From Tunis After
a Thrilling Experience
There never was n man who showed
more happiness to touch foot on native
soil than Percival Roberta of Boston,
graduato of Oxford college, England,
and an alumnus of tho Harvard law
school, who arrived at Boston from
Naples. Mr. Roberts had hurried to
Italy after having boon ohased on
camel back by wild Trlpolitan bandits,
who swooped down on him and his
party's pack camols and household
goods when they wero camping on tho
border of tho desert south of Sfox, in
tho Interior of Tunis.
Italian soldiers had driven a flying
squadron of untamed Arab horsemen
and cut-throats across tho Tunis bord
er, and when tho pack of infuriated
savages caught sight of tho Roberta
party It charged tho camp with wild
yells and blazing rifles.
Roberts embarked on the first ship
of the desort ho could locate in his
frantic rush for a conveyanco and
swayed and rolled on camel-back over
tho dry sands of the desert for ten
miles boforo ho could mako his geta
way. His three friends, two French
men and an Englishman, got off In dif
ferent directions, all aboard the swlft
raclng camels which had carried thorn
The New Dances.
Billy Sunday, tho remarkable evan
gelist, was asked after hla successful
Philadelphia season what ho thought
of tho now dances.
"What do I think of tho new
dances?" said Mr. Sunday, with a
laugh. "Well, let me toll you a story.
"A young man and a girl In evening
dress sat In a conservatory. A foun
tain trickled and gurgled in a marblo
basin beforo them. Palms drooped
their long leaves over them.
"Tho light was dim. Distant muslo
"Suddenly tho young man, overcomo
by tho girl's beauty, seized her In his
arms and crushed her madly to his
"'Why, Mr. Trovanlon,' sho said,
putting her whlto hand on his Bhlrt
bosom and pushing him coldly away,
'you forgot yourself. This sort of
thing Isn't proper hero.
"So saying, sho took his arm and
they wont out on to tho ballroom floor
and indulged in a maxlxo."
Language Not Likely to Last.
Mistral, tho groat Provencal poet,
whose death was announced lately,
has been likened to Robert Burns for
the work he did. But Burns' task
was child's play compared with Mis
tral's. The Scottish poet found his
languago fully grown and completely
alive; Mistral had to creato his means
of expression. Provencal had lost ev
ery resemblance to a literary tongue,
and the new poet-patriot had to mold
It afresh, to re-create and to build up
on the ruins left by the vineyard and
the farm. "Our Provqncal," Bald Mis
tral, "was a country lass, ragged and
wild." She is now a wonderfully beau
tiful creature; but It is doubtful
whether all the genius of Mistral can
keep her alive. The educational re
former In France does not like such
Misfortune Is no respecter of per
sons and neither Is fortune, for tho
matter of that
m I I I
i im Tit" !-,
' with cream.
Sold by Grocer
For Convenience, Economy mid Safety Usei,
Blue Flame, Wlok Oil Stove
Durm ordinary Kerosene Oil,
light up lntuntly Llko gas, burn
perfectly blue flame without imok
Tho Intensely hot Are enabloa rem
to oook, bake, fry or Iron aa qulokly
as on a gas store. J tut a ilmpla and
safe to operate as an oil lamp.
Threo sizes 2, 8 and i burners
with i or without high warming
shelf. Write to-day zor Catalog.
MikJi br the TlnenffeM Oompnnr,
1800 Spring QroTe Are dnclnn&U. Ohio
4For tho man with a chip on his
shoulder got on ox.
Ten smiles for a nickel. Always tray Red
Cross Ball Blue; have beautiful clear white
Certainly women havo been known
to stop talking for tho purpose of
Washerwomen In Alabama are com
pelled to register their names with the
city health departments.
Hez I'vo often thought what a dan
dy partition a donkey would make.
Silas Walls havo ears, you know.
"This is a rasping sort of letter.
Whoro Bhall I put it?"
"On tho fllo, of course."
First Thing In Nature.
Every Investigation which is gnlded
by principles of naturo flxos its ulti
mate aim entirely on gratifying the
stomach. Athenaeus. '
A Better Plan.
,"Tho people next door play tho
"Still they seem kind-hearted. They
have offered to loan us any records
"I should prefer to borrow soma of
thoso wo don't like, and thUB got them
out of commission for a few days."
Lucille (earnestly) Karl, I want
to ask you one question.
Karl (also earnestly) What Is It
Lucille (more In earnest than over)
Karl, If you had never met me,
would you have loved mo Just the
Not That Stingy.
"Hogan," propounded Schmidt, "it
a hen unt a half laldt an egg unt a
half a day, how long vouldt it dako
a hen to lay half an egg?"
"A hln," promptly responded Pat
"wud scorn to short change her own
er by layin' half an egg. An' nobody
but a tlghttlst wud Ivor think av such
a thing." Judge.
Justice Is the Word.
Church I seo the New York Le
gal Aid bureau for a feo of ten cents
furnishes a lawyer to assist Immi
grants and poor persons in obtaining
Gotham Now, Just look at that!
And I know men who have Bpont
thousands of dollars to get Justice
and they're still out of Jail
9 tJA 'fitf iJ riSS? V7 7J ynsf&Z&jMMJZSZTj
crisp and ready to eat direct from the package
B Tb lntM etas flam M
(I ooklof tmmIi, firing ft
oolck rcaaUa and w V
Sold by Dealers Everywhere
135 BUSHELS PERACREI
mi thiyblicl WHEAT
on many farms in
Western Canada In
1913, some yield
being reported u
hlh u 60 biuhcta
par acr. As high
as 100 buthe.ls were
recoraea in soma
diitrieta for oats.
buiDU for barter and
J. Keys arrived In the
country 5 years ago from
Denmark with very little
means. Ha homesteaded.
worked hard. Is now the
In 1913 hirf n rron of 200
acres, which will realize him I
hflllt S4.O0O. His vrhal i
and averaEedoverSS biubslt
to IM acre.
Thousands of similar In-
f stance micht be related of the 1
' homesteVra In Manitoba. Saj-1
' katcnewan ana AlDeru.
The croo of 1913 was an abun
dant one everywhere la Western
Aak for deaerlDtlT literature and
reduced railway rates. Apply to '
Superintendent of Immigration,
Ottawa, Canada, or
W. 8. NETHERY,
Interurban Bldfl., Columbus, Ohio
Canadian Government Agent
TRITE REMARK STIRRED HIM
Superfluous Remark Unwelcome to
Man Who Knew Very Well That
It Was Raining.
"It's aulto a heavy shower Wo'ra
having," ho Bald, choertyy; to tho nla
who had entered with his clothes
soaked and his umbrella dripping.
"Yes, sir," replied the stranger, tes'
ly, "it is a heavy shower; but you hay
failed to remark also tho interesting
facts that tho shower is falling down
ward from above, that it's a wot ahow-
er, and that it is raining on both sldoa
of the street Also you havo neglected
to observo that this is tho year 1914,
that the earth Is round, and that thoro
aro four seasons each yenr. But lra
obliged to you for your Information
about tho weather." Jp
Ana me stranger waiKea away.wiii
a glitter of vindictive triumpn lnvnis
Church I hear you've got a new
up-to-date typewriter. ,
Gotham That's what I've got j
"Is she blonde or brunette?" J
"Mnlll.ai.1 nvonn nili1 ,'5W' (I
""'i b'""1 "i6, afiS J
Love Is considered the ruling pas
sion, but occasionally the almighty dol
lar administers a terrific Jolt W
Anyway, a roan never sits down, on
tho floor when ho puts on his hot'ery.
.raft.; ' ' S&J$Br
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