THINGS SPIRITUAL
coMZ. ? By Finley Peter Dunne
EfvTi, Sir/' said Mf. Dooley, "I won
der where Science ib goin' to
stop ? ".
"What's it donls now?" askod
Mr. Hcnncssy.
" Th' latost thing/' said Mr. Dooley, "is
weighin' tiY human soul. A fellow up in Matsa
choosetts lias done it. He weighs ye befure ye
die an' lio weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'V
enee is, wliat ye'er soul wciglis. Ho's diseoA'ered
that th' av*i:age weight i\r a soul in New England
is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he argies
that th' conscienco isn't part i\r th' soul. If it
aa'.ts th' soul wud he in th' henvyAA'cjght class, f'r
th' New England conscience is no feathei*, He
tliinks it don't escape with th' soul, but lies bur
|id in th' roons iv it.s old fani'ly home, th' livcr.
. ; " It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't
true annyhow it's simple. But it's a tur-rble
thing io think iv. T- can't see anny money in it
as au invintion. Who'U want to have 'his soul
Aycighed? Suppose ye'er timo has come. Th'
fani'ly ar-re busy Avitli their oavu Ihoughts, griev
in' because they hadn't been as good to yc as they
ihight, because they won't have ye with thim
anny moro, because it's too lato f'r thim to
square thimsilves, pityin' yo bocauae ye'er not
remainin' to share their sorrows with thim, won
' dhrin' wli othor th' blnck dhresses that wero
bought in honor iv whnt pooplo might sny if they
didn't w6"nr thim in mithry iv Aunt Elizn, wud be
noticed if they wore woi-n again fr ye. Th' very
young mimbers iv th' fam'ly .nr-re standin'
around, thryin' to look as sad ns they tlunk they
onglit to look. But they can't keep it up. They
nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th''
room, an' fr'm timo to time they glnnpo over nt
Cousin Felix nn' expect him to make a laugh'ble
face. He's a gr-reat frjnd iv theirs an' they'ro
surprised hc isn't gayer. Something must'vc
happened to him. Maybe he's lost his job. Thero
ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' sthrect. Th'
undertaker wbistles as he goes by, an' two iv th'
neighbors'ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a fino
man ye were if ye didn't dhrink, an' asldn' did ye
leave much.
" An' little ye caro. Evrythihg is a millyon
miles away fr'm ye. Fr th' first timo in ye'or
life ye're alone. F'r th' first time in ye'er life ye
ar-re ye'ersilf. Fr Hiven knows how many
years ye're beon somebody else. Ye've beon'
ye'or wjfe, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er relationa, th'
polismnn on W beaf, tli' doctor, th' newspaper
rayporther, th' foreman at t)i' mills, th' laws iv
th' land, th' bartinder thnt gives ye dhrinks, th'
tailor, th' barber, nn' public opinion. Th' ivur
ruld has held a loo.kin' glass in front iv ye fr'm
th' day yo wore born an' compellcd yo to mako
faces in it. But jn this here pnrticular business
ye have no wan to plenso but ye'ersilf. Good
opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re aliko. Yo'ro
akelly tinthroubled bo gratiehood nn' revengo,
No wan can. help ye or stay ye. Ye're beyond th'
" Big Chief Wanta Wampum."
sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' faotliry whistlo
atf beginnip' th' Big Day 00 whin th' man iv
Scienee shakes ye be th' elbow an' says; ' Ye'vo
got to weigh out.' An' he weiglis an' figiircn:
' Wan hundherd an' forty-siven fr'm wan hun?
dherd an' fifty. Siven fr'm naught can't bo
done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten leaves threo. I
find that th' soul iv our late laminted frind
woighed a light three pounds avirdoopoise.'
"No, Sir, it won't do. "JVill niver hc popy
lar. Peoplo won't have their souls weighed. I
wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go
through th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooloy's
soul?' 'No, what?' ' They had to get an ex
pe.rt accountant to figure its weight, it was that
puny.'
"D'ye^suppose Dorgan, tli' millyonairo, wud
consint to it ?' Whin ho ontered th' race iv life
he Avas properly handicapped with a soul to off
set his avarice an' his pbility, so that some iv th'
rest iv us wud have a kind iv a show against him,
But as soon as he thinks no wan can see him he
bogins to got rid iv his weight an' eomes rompin'
homo miles ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold
on, there; yo'll have to Aveigh cut/ an' a little
later a notice is posted up'that Dorgan is dis
qualified f'r ridin' undhenvcight in th' matther
iv soul. On th' other hand, thero's little Miss
Maddigan, th' seamstress. She's all hut left at
th' post; she's jostlod all th' way around, an'
comes in lame, a bad last. But she's th' on'y
w;m iv th' lot . at's kept th' weight. Sho A\*eighs
ninety-six pounds?six iv it.bein' tea an' toast
al ninety iv it iioul. An* amid oxclamations'
iv rage fr'm Ch&ncollor hy, ./lio has plunged
heavily on Der^oa i^ this Futurity, an' cries iv
jnv fr'm a -.- 'i?nnd Fnther TCellys, who have
backed th' filly, her number is hung out.
" N > Mr, V.1' n it nnes t roin' .p to th'
scnles to have their souls Aveighed peoplo'll bo as
sby as they are in a Customs House. Th' peo?
ple that Avud make th' invintion pay wud be th'
last to want to bo testod by it. Th' pa-apers
might keep records iv th' results: ' Misthor So
an'-So, th' gr-reat captain iv fi-nance, died yes?
terday, universally regretted. His estate
amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. Thero
ar-rs two largo boquests to charity. Wan is a
thrust fund set aside f'r his maiden sister Anny
1 belle, who will rcceivo f'r life th' income ohN
eight hundherd dollars in stock iv th' Haoken
sack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other is forty-two
dollars to buy a wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac,
in Abilene, Kansas, it bein' understood that no
charge is to be made bo th' estate against th*
brother f'r a set iv false teeth bought f'r him in
th' year nineteen four. Th' balance iv th' prop?
orty is left in trust f'r th' minor childher until
they ar-re DO years old. Th' deceased requested
?that his soul be measured be troy weight. tt
tipped th' beam at Avan penny weight.'" I
" D'yo think th' soul can be weighed ? " ask^d
Mr. Hcnnessy. " I know it's there, hut I think
?I kind iv feel?I wondher?I don't hardly
knoAV?"
" I see what ye mean," said Mr. Dooley.
" Scales an' clocks ar-re not to bo thrusted to do
cidc annytliing that's worth deciding. Who tells
time be a clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a
clock anl'ivry hour is dif f'rent to me. Wan long,
wnn short. There ar-re hours in* th' avenin'
that pass between tAvo ticks iv th' clock; thero
ar-re hours in th' arly mornin' whin a man can't
* sleopthat Metluisalah's ago cud stretch in.
Clocks ar-re habiohool liars, an' bo ar-re scales,
As soon as annytliing gets good enough to Aveigh
ye can't weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other fol
Ioav. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight
or ye'er soul's Aveight fr'm what th''scales say.
Little I care. A pound or two moro or loss
makes no diff'rence. But when it comes to
measurin' something that's precious to me, l'll
not thrust it to a slight improvement on a soc
saw.
"But what do I know about it, annyhoAv?
What do I know about annything? I've boen
pitchin' information into yo f'r more years thin
annywan iver wiiit to colledgo, an' I tell ye now I
don't know annything about annytliing. I don't
. liko to thrust mesilf forward. I'm a modost
man. Won't soinebody else get up? Won't yo
get up, Tiddy Kosenfelt, won't yo Willum Jon
nings Brynn, won't yo Prisidint Eliot, won't yo,
.. pro-fissors, proachers, doctors, luwyors, iditors?
"Whin th' Man Iv 8oIencc Shakes ye be th' Elbow an' Says;
to Weiqh Out.'"
' Ye've Got
Won't nnnybody get up? Won't nnnybody say
thnt they don't know annything about annything
worth knowin' about ? Tliin, be Hivens, I will.
All alono I'll stand up befurc me class?an' how
much moro humbly befure me teacher??an'
Bay: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be
weighed on a scales or measured with a tnpe line
I'm ns ign'rant as?ye'ersilf. I'll hnve to pay ye
back th' nioncy I took fr'm ye fr ye'er schoolin',
It wns obtaincd bo false pretenscs.'
" How can I know nnnything, whin 1 hnvon't
pusczlod out what I am mesilf. I am Dooley, yo
say, but yo'ro on'y a casual obsarver. Yo don't
enro nnnything nbout mo details. Ye look nt me
with n gin'rul oyo. Nawthin' thnt hnppens to me
renlly hurts yo. Yo sny, ' I'll go over to sce
Dooloy/ soinotiniCR, but moro often ye say, ' I'll
go ovor to Doolcy's,' I'm a house to ye, wan iv a
thousnnd that look liko n row iv model wurruk
in'mon's cottnges, I'm n post to hitch ye'er si
lonccs to. I'm ulways about th' same to ye. But
to mo I'm a mil'lyon Doolcys nn' nll iv thim'
sthrangorB to ME. I nivor know which wan iv
thim is comin' in. I'm like a hotel keoper with
on'y wan bgd nn' a millyon guests, who come wnn
nt a timo an' tumblo each other out. I set up
Into nt night an' pnss th' bottlo with n gny an'
cnrbloss Dooloy tlmt hnsn't a sorrow in th' wnr
ruld, on' suddonly I look up an' seo sottin' ncrost
fr'm mo a gloomy wrotch *.hat fircs th' dhrjnk
out iv th' window an' chnses me to bed. I'm just
gottln' usod to him whin anothor Dooloy comos
>in, a cross, aintnnkorous, crazy fellow that in
siste on cntin' bronkfnst with mo. An' so it goes.
I know, moro nbout mosilf thnn nnnybody knows
nn' I know nawthin'; Though I'd mako a map
fr'm mcm'ry au' gossip iv nnny othor man, t'v
moKil. I'm Btill liiiolinrtod.
" So what's th' uso iv thryin'' to know anny?
thing loss iiiippiHfl.it, Don't thry, All yo'vo got
to do is to holiovo whnt yo hear, an' if yo do thnt
cnoiigh nfther a whilo yo'll Jipar whnt ye beliovo.
Yo'vo got to start in boliovin' bofurc yo can find
a roason fr ye'or belief, Our old frind Cliris
tophor Cohunbus hndn't anny good, ronson fr
boliovin' thnt thero wns anny such a placo#as
Amorien. lint ho bolieved it without a renson
nn' thin wint out an' found it. Th'-fejlows tlmt
discovoved th' canals on Mnrs which othor fol?
lows think^ud bo ourod bo a good ooulist, hndn't
nnny right to lliink thore woro cnnnls on Mars,
But wan iv thiiiivsaid: *I wondhor if there ur-ro
? canals on Mars; I beliove thore nr-ro, I'll look
luBBRMffYrv
7^
sy
\ v ?
/7/X [ I
an' see. Be Hivens,
there ar-re.' If ho'd
wondherod an' thin bo
lievcd about clothes
polcB he'd've found thim
too. Anny kind iv n fact
is proof iv a bolief. A
firm Bolief atthracts
f acts. They come out iv
holes in th' ground an'
cracks in th' wall to
support bolief, but they
run aAvay fr'm doubt.
" l'll niver get anny
medal f'r makin' anny
man give up his belief..
If I see a fellow with a
chube on his eye. an'
hear him hollerin.' 'Hoo
ray, I've ; discovered a
new planet.' l'll be th'
last man in th' wurruld
to brush th' fly off th'
end iv th' telcscope. I've known peoplo that seo
ghosts. I didn't seo thim, but they did. They
cud see ghosts an' I cudden't. Thero wasa't
nnnything else to it. I knew n fellow that was a
Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' chattel mor
gcdge business on week days an' he was a Spirit
ulist on .Sunday. Ho cud understand why th'
spirits wud always pick out a stoufc Jady with
fnlse hair or a gintloman that had his thumb
mark rogisthered at Polis Hcndquarthers to talk
through, an' he knew why spirits hked to play on
banjocs an' mnndolins an' why they convarsed bo
rappin' on n tnb'le in th' dark. Th' on'y reason I
cud think iv was that they'd nlways lived in
boordin' houses an' cudden't get rid iv th' cus
toms.
" But ho hnd th' best iv me. He believed an'
I doubtcd. Ho took mo to what he called a see
nnce wanst. They givo him n front sent. I
hccrd a good deal iv tnlk nmong th' spirits be
liind th' cuflniris, Snys wan with a Germnn
nccint;' Who's th' fellow with th' old come-on?'
' Oh, he don't amount to nnnything, an' nnn}'
how yo cudden't wnko th' old boy up if yo set fire
tp him.' '. Hurry nlong with thim featbers/ says
anothor spirit voico. I turnod to me frind nn' I
seo be th' look in his oyes thnt U wud bo a wn.sto
iv effort to impose on him. 'They come/ he
snys. . It is TJngnwapa/ ho snys, ns th' ghost iv
II noblo rod man iv th' forest nppearod through
th' curtain, muttherin,: 'Himmel, why didn't yo
got thnt chnin out iv th'.wny?' Ho looked ivry
inch th' wnrryor fr'm th' wnr bonnet on his head
to th'.con^ross guitiyrs on his foet. 'Is Israol
Simpson hore ?' snys ho. ' Yes,' says mo frind.
? What can i do fr yo to-day, grent chief ?'' Do
yo know a mnn bo th* nnmo iv Mullarkey?' 'I
do/ snys Simpson. ' I seo him carryin' n rockin'
chair dpwn stnirs/ says tho haughty Pattywato
mio. 'Big chiof wants wnmpum/ ho saysv
Simpson prossod^ a roll iv bills into his swarthy
hands iiq' says 'to .1110: ' Como along quiok,'
'Whnt fr?' snys I, ' Mullnrkby ia movin' his
furnituro, nn' I hnvo n morgodgo on it/ says ho,
' Th' Jnjun nlways advises mo right on nintthers
iv business/ snys ho. An' tlioro was a mnn thnt
wud hito a silver dollar in two befuro ho'd tako
it f r. good."
" My aunt soon a ghost wanst," said^Mr. Hen*
nossy.
" Ivrybody's aunt- hns seen a ghost," saidj\!r.
Dooloy.