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THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 1807-
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SPECIFIC VS. AD VALOREM
The esteemed Los Angeles Express la
bors hard to defend the Dingley bill for
making a specific tax the basis of cus
toms duties, but it Is either not well ad
vised in the premises, or it places loyalty
to the schemes and purposes of Its party
above the Interests of the great produc
ing class. But the Express is quite right
when It says that "the Democratic party
has always held for ad vaiorem duties,
and the Republican party for specific du
ties. These are the fundamental differ
ences between the two policies." It might
have added that "these are also the fun
damental differences" between Democ
racy and plutocracy
A specific duty Is a duty that discrimi
nates in favor of the rich, and an ad va
lorem duty places the burden of customs
duties upon each consumer In ratio to
the value of the articles he consumes.
The latter method is, a« the Express
says, a fundamental principle of the
Democratic party, and the first is, as the
Express implies by defending it. a fun
damental principle of the Republican
party. It is honest of the Express to
admit that it stands for the classes as
against the masses, and that a poor man
has no right which a tich man is bound
But let us see what the difference be
tween a specific and wn aei valorem tariff
duty is, in so far as it enters into the
cost of living. Suppose A. who is a work
ingman. imports ten yards of cloth for
a suit of clothes for hlm. ; "'f. Th- cioth
is worth $1 a yard. Let us suppose tho
customs duties, which are specific, :ue
$1 a yard. That would make- A's cioth
cost him $20. On the same ship comes
tt-.r. yards of cloth worth 510 a ysrd fcr
B. The specific duties are $1 a yard.
That_would make B's cloth cost $110.
Doesjhe Express not see that the work
ingman would be taxed 100 per cent and
the rich man only 10 per cent? Now
this illustration of the way the two sys
tems of levying;customs duties is c-eiually
applicable to every article and commo
dity of import upon which a customs tax
is levied. The specific duty taxes the ar
ticle as an article without reference to
its value In the market. The rich man
mould pay no more duty on a pair of
lambs' wool blankets worth S-'.O than the
laborer would pay for a pair of shoddy
wool blankeis worth ?2.r,0. In the eyes
of the specific tax monstrosity a blan
ket is a blanket and a yard of cloth is
a yard of cloth, without reference to the
market price, but the ad valorem tax
fixes its charge according to the selling
price of the article.
The argument that with specific du
ties there would be no opportunity for
Importers to swindle the government by
under valuation—that the tax would be
so much per pound, per ton or per yard—
is weak and deceptive; be sides, It gives
the inference that our merchants are
thieves and perjurers and cannot be
trusted to tell the truth when It comes to
a business transaction. But th. Demo
cratic puny holds a better opinion of
the business men of the United States.
Assuming, however, that they cannot
be trusted, it would be jun as easy to
swear to the correctness of an Invoice
that called fifty yards of cloth forty
yards as it would be to undervalue It by
oath, and the same trick could be
worked with articles that wert? taxed
by the pound or ton. It is not to pre
vent the employment of dlshornest meth
ods in passing goods through the cus
toms house that the Dingley bill adopts
the specific customs tax, but it Is to
make the masses support the- govern
ment and otherwise protect the prop
erty holdings and business enterprises
of the classes with as little expense to
the plutocrats as possible.
AS TO TRADE BALANCES
It is not surprising that the advo
cates in congress of the Dlngley schefl
ules of customs duties should avoid ref
erence to the balance of trade question
when discussing the reciprocity feature
of the bill. They dare not call for the
official statements of the course of our
trade with other countries under the
AVilson act, for these statements would
refute every one of their arguments.
They have much to say about the "In
iquitous free trade tariff" that has been
in operation since the latter part of
1594, but th*T are careful to make no
mention of how our industries built up
a trade with other countries under that
same "Iniquitous" measure.
The official report of the country's for
eign trade for the calendar year 18'jii
shows that the exports of American
made merchandise exceeded the mer
chandise Imports by the enormous sum
of $324,275,215. and that nearly all lines
of manufacture were included in the
shipments. This is the largest merchan
dise trade balance in our favor in the
history of the country by $60,000,000, the
nearest approach to it being in 1579.
When the Dingley bill becomes operat
ive this balance of trade is likely to be
cut down very materially, if it is not
wiped out altogether, and naturally the
administration would want to conceal
Never In the history of the United
States was as great a variety nor
as large a volume of American manufac
tured goods and wares sold in the mar
kets of Europe as since the Wilson law
has been in operation, and it would
seem that schedules of customs duties
which would throw the balance of for
eign trade interchange in our favor by
$225,000,000 a year, with the amount
grow ing larger from year to year, ought
to be let alone. But President McKlnley
thlnks not. However, if his plan works
it will not materially lessen our mer
chandise sales abroad, but it will greatly
advance prices of domestic and foreign
goods to American consumers without
adding to the prices for commodities
that are exported. That is to say, Ameri
can made goods and wares that are to
be shipped abroad will be sold for less
money than those put upon our markets
for home consumption.
But will other Countries submit to
having a high entrance fee put upon
their goods and wares for the privilege
of offering them in our markets, and
leave the gates of their markets wide
open to us? If they should treat us ?s
the Dingley bill will treat them we may
be sure that our Imports will dwindle
in volume until the balance of trade is
against us, for. as a matter of fact, Eu
rope is not beholden to the United
States for anything except farm prod
ucts, while there are scores of commodi
ties we are obliged to get abroad or do
without. But the purpose of the Dingley
bill is to enable American manufactur
ers to largely increase the prices of their
products in the home markets as the
first consideration, and Increase the
prices of such goods as we are obliged to
import enough to yield whatever shall
be required to provide for the extrava
gance of congress.
The more the people have to pay for
the necessaries of life the better are they
circumstanced, is the logic and spirit of
the Dingley bill.
DISCRIMINATION IN RATES
That the produce exchange and busi
ness men of New York should unite in
their effort to break the combination of
railway freight agents is not a rurprise,
| but the earnestness of their determined
efforts is something out of the ordinary.
A long list of shippers went before the
commission, which has charge of the
. Investigation and gave their testimony
'In a fierce manner which bodes no good
j for the railroads. The greatest sensa
tion was created when it was shown
that the discrimination in rates has
gradually reduced the receipts of wheat
at New York from 69 per cent to 32 per
cent of the whole amount In transit be
tween the years 1892 and 1896; while the
other ports increased their shipments
I from 30 per cent to 6" per cent of the
whole supply. By the- "other ports" is
I meant Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore,
From this It seems clear that the
Joint Traffic association has made war
against New York, ar.d If they can be
reached by the interstate commerce law
there will be trouble.
The fact that this is possible in New
York gives to the rest of the country
a chill up and down the spinal column;
for the uncertainty as to where next the
railroads will strike is very disturbing
to business centers.
HOW FORTUNES ARE MADE OR
Last week there were three advances
scored on sugars of all kinds. Each raise
was % of a cent, or % of a cent in all.
Imagine two wholesale grocers, one of
whom had no sugar on hand to speak
of, and the other with 1000 tons, or 6000
barrels—not a large amount to have in
store. The money thus locked up wouid
be from $150,000 to $200,000. The time
covered in this imaginary deal would be
sixty days. The interest on the money
LOS ANGELES HERALD: THURSDAY MORNING, MARCH 25, 1897
would come to from $1600 to $2600. The
profits of the deal would be % of a cent
on 4,000,000 pounds of the sweet stuff, or
$15,000. That Is what one merchant who
read the newspapers and knew of the
destruction of the Cuban crop, and the
expectancy of an import duty going on
sugar, made. That Is also what the other
merchant, who does not read much of
the newspapers, or, if he does, places
too little confidence in what they teil
him, failed to make.
The canned goods business has been
depressed for half a dozen years be
cause of ruinous competition. Last year
the pack was light and stocks are
cleaned up. There will be a large pack
Tin is another article pretty sure to
pay a high duty under the Dlngley bill.
Canners have, as a general rule, with
held their orders for cans until now, and
all at once comes a great rush for cans.
Prices have been marked up 2Vfc cents
for No. 3 cans.
There is an advance of V t of a cent al
ready on pig tin, and there Is more of this
to follow. Sheets will be dearer, ttoo. The
fellow who holds a million dozen tins,
on which he stands to make 2»~ cents, In
addition to his regular profit, makes a
fortune; his sleepy neighbor makes
THE RECIPROCITY FEATURE
There is a disposition in certain quar
ters to set up the claim as one net admit
ting discussion that the reciprocity fea
ture of the Dingley tariff bill must prove
to be an unmixed blessing to American
agricultural interests. In point of fact
it is a question admitting of a good deal
For twenty years we have had a com
mercial treaty with the Hawaiian is
lands, under which reciprocal trade re
lations do not seem to be of so much
benefit as could be hoped for.
In the last three months of 1596 the
steamer arrivals at Honolulu w ere thir
ty-nine, of which no less than twenty
two were under the British flag, four
were Japanese vessels, and thirteen
The Hawaiian Star, in commenting
on the growth of British trade with the
islands, claims that the commercial in
terests of the United States can be
served only by a closer political union
between the two countries.
The chief import from these Islands
is sugar, and the value of that brought
to this country Is about $7,000,000 per
annum. It ls> produced by the cheapest
kind of cheap labor, and yet under thi«
reciprocity clause of the treaty it comes
in direct competition with the sugarpro
duced In our own country. The benefits
ef our letting this sugar in duty free
all go Into the pockets of one man.
If it paid duty at the rate of one cent
per pound, the treasury would get nearly
$2,000,000 out of it. This, under the rec
iprocity policy if all lost to our gov
Let us suppose reciprocal trade 1? es
tablished between this country and
France, by which French wlr.es are let
in free, then where will the California
grape grower find hlrtiself?
Apply the policy to Canada, and our
lumber men and barley producers, as
well as sheep raisers will suffer.
AN UNJUST DECISION
The decision of the Toledo. Ohio, com
mon pleas court In the case of Arbuckle
Bros, against the sugar trust, which was
handed down a few days ago. w ill be far
reaching in its influence for evil. The
Arbuckle Bros., as minority stockhold
ers of the stock of the Woolson Spice
company, brought suit to restrain the
sugar trust, owners of the majority of
the stock, from operating the spice mills
at a loss on the ground that the mills
were being so operated to drive a rival
out of business.
The substance of the court's decision is
that the directors representing the ma
jority of the stock, have the right to
conduct the business of the company as
they see fit, and that It Is not unlawful
for them to so reduce the price of the
product of the company's property that
competition would be driven to the wall,
even though the minority holders of the
stock should suffer loss by reason of
such management of their property.
Bollc-d down the decision means that
the holders of the minority of the shares
of a corporation or company have no
rights which the majority holders are
buund to respect.
It is a new principle of law that per
mits the holders of 51 per cent of the
capital of a business enterprise to de
liberately conduct its affairs at a loss,
and thus deprive- the holders of 49 per
cent of the capital of not only an in
come, but oblige them to sustain a less.
Bui that is the ruling of the Toledo
court. It may be good law in Ohio, but
It lf> not common sense nor business
sense nor justice. Somehow the sugar
trust is nearly always lucky in its legal
The fire commissioners yesterday de
cided to permit the fire department to
take part in the Fiesta parade. Chief
Moore having reported that the-outlying
districts could be satisfactorily protected
for the time required by temporary ap
paratus. As the Fiesta committee has
agreed to pay all the expenses.'and pro
vide prizes for the occasion, and the
representatives of the Insurance com
panies have stated that they have no
objection, it does not stem that any had
results can fcjllow (his action of the
board. The department has always
made ore of the best display! in the pa
rade, and with the encouragement which
they have received, they promise this
year to excel all previous efforts.
St. Paul reports an aggregate fall of
snow for the peaTOn amounting to 56.29
inches*. Los Angeies records a fall of
16/6 inches of rain. In the matter of
comfort, health and cost of living there
is more than a difference of tweedledum
and tweedledee. A hundred languages
would miserably fall to express one's
feelings on this head. There was once
a time when warm young blood In one's
veins, a graceful cutter, a good hors*.
plenty of robes and a pretty girl—but
let us not revive memories of things
which never will come back.
. The olty council yesterday passed an
ordinance calling an election April 10th
next on the issuance of $270,000 of re
funding bonds, and the document was
promptly signed by the mayor. As the
Issuance of these bonds will save the
city something like $500 a month inter
est, besides obviating excessive tax lev
ies for the next ten years, the proposition
submitted should carry without a dis
The new legislation In the state of
New York known a? the Raines liquor
law is a revenue earner, whatever else
may bo paid for or against it. There
were 34.787 licenses issued before May
1.1896.and the Income therefrom amount
ed to $4,090,790. Six months later the
number had been cut down to 26.593, but
the income was $11,038,322. As a business
proposition that will bear investigation.
Henry T. Thurber has returned to
Detroit. He refused the nomination for
governor of Michigan to accept the po
sition of secretary to President Cleve
land at a time when the Democrats had
a good fighting chance of winning. Mr.
Thurber hat- a level head, and his fine
law practice will not suffer by his tem
porary absence at Washington.
It Is Interesting to note the difference
In tone which the Republican press as
sumes With reference to the tariff. When
the Wilson bill war before congress the
cry of "tariff tinkering" went up daily.
But now the agitation of the question
and the disturbing of the business in
terests of the country are never thought
of. "Oh, consistency, • • "
Of course the national government
could not deprive a state of the right to
legalize prize fighting, but it could deny
the privileges of the mall service to
newspapers containing any reference to
a proposed fight, or accounts of a battle
after It had been fought, and congress
is sure to be asked to do something of
The new substitute for rubber, ob
tained from the sap of a tree which
grows abundantly In California, gives
great promise of opening up a new in
dustry of large proportions. The
substance vulcanizes like rubber, and
in fact has all the useful qualities of
that Indispensable article.
The New York court of appeals de
cides that a person who makes a bet on
a prize fight, for instance, and puts up
the money with a stakeholder can re
cover back the money then put up
whether he wins or loses. That is to
say, betting Is not a legitimate business
Alfalfa villi be ready for cutting In
Riverside county about April sth. One
grower cut five crops last year that
averaged about two tons to the acre
each crop. An eastern farmer would
call ten tons per annum per acre a
good profitable crop of fodder or fertil
The administration has settled upon
nothing definite concerning an Interna
tional monetary conference, ar.d the sin
gle gold stadard advocates are satisfied
that no steps will be taken m that di
rection. It would be interesting to
know where they got their information.
When a man is dead it is well enough
to let him alone, or at least not express
much joy over his taking off. but the
people of Central America will be par
doned if they throw up their hats and
rejoice over the death of General Ezeta,
the professional revolutionist.
Place hunters In Washington are be
ginning to hunt the back-street board
ing houses, where rates are low. In the
course of a fortnight or so walking will
be good, when many of them will start
for their homes, cursing the ingratitude
The Republican that predicted the
] early retirement from public notice of
iW. J. Bryan would r.o doubt accept a
one-tenth interest of that retirement
i just about now His book Is said to be
j returning him an Income of $100 a day.
It Is given out that President McKin
ley will favor the application for office
of no congressman who attempts to
hinder the passage of the Dingley tariff
bill. That is applying the heroic rem
edy In a way that will cure or kill.
Dingleyism exceeds McKlnleyism in
fiaming tariff schedules to make the
masses contribute of their earnings
to the coffers of the favored few. The
Dingley schedules average considerably
higher than the act of 1890.
Willie Wallle Astor proposes to be
I even with the Varcderbilts by marrying
his daughter to the Duke of Manehes
; ter. A good, honest American me
: cbanlc would make the girl a very much
i better husband.
Occasionally Rev. Sam Jones says a
; very bright thing. The other day he
said the word "receiver," especially
I when connected with a railway com
pany, is to the lawyers just like corn
' is to a hog.
A Nevada editor began his "leader"
with these words: "We wish to say In
all soberness," and the next day he re
ceived a demijohn, with the compli
ments of a visitor to the physical cul
President McKinley may mean well
when he talks about economy, but he
has a billion dollar congress to deal
with and it may prove to be a bigger
man than the occupant of the White
For the first time in six years wheat
touched the $1 mark at St. Louis las-t
week. It was) No. 2 Ted, of a strictly
choice variety. This is largely attrib
utable to a scarcity of that variety of
There Is a feeling among vineyard
owners- that the season of 1597 will be a
more profitable one than 1896. and great
er care is shown the vines this year,
and the soil is receiving more attention.
The rainfall throughout Southern Cal
ifornia since January Ist is reported
from various points as follows: Azusa,
18.4S Inches; Redlands, 12.28; Oceanaide,
15.98; Fallbrook, 19.77; Escondido, 18.15.
Now that the protectionists are get
ting ready to grind out their grist of
Jug-handle arguments, It may be well
to pause and reiterate: Does protection
Grover Cleveland has been out of the
way for more than two weeks, but the
jingoes have not thrashed Spain, Eng
land or Turkey, nor have they annexed
The friends of the beet sugar interest
in this country are naturally opposed to
the annexation of Hawaii, and the
Louisiana planters want none of Cuba.
Some people are Idiotic enough to in
quire What Mark Hanna goes to con
gress for, if he glves> his private secre
tary the monthly senatorial stipend.
If we have to ask for a bench warrant
to produce the advance agent of pros
perity we will do it. but we would pre
fer that he come wl.thout force.
The floods and rumors of floods
throughout the country are more de
structive to life and property than the
wars and rumors of wars.
A ring, but not the Carsom kind, is
probably the cause of the delay of the
advance agent of prosperity. Got
ksiocked out, so to speak.
Nansen has already realized $150,000
from explaining how he didln't discover
the north pole. Some failures are bet
ter than some successes.
• The Missouri legislature has passed a
bill prohibiting contributions, by cor
porations, for campaign purposes.
Where was Hanna?
A scramble for the spoils of office is
a prize fight, but It differs from the
Carson kind in that feelings Instead of
faces are bruised.
When Weyler quits Cuba he might go
Into the now Journalism business. He
would find no difficulty in getting a
Job in New York.
Vice-President Hobart will find it
harder to govern the senate than a
board of waterworks directors, but he
proposes to try it.
The Detroit Tribune declares that
there are three Michigan office-seekers
to Ohio's one. That is an insult to the
Uncle Collis declares he Is waiting to
see "whioh way the cat Jumps." The
cat has already Jumped and landed in
the right place.
While doing the high protection act
congress might devise a plan to protect
our ravy against the dangers OH the
Anyway, agreements between the
powers of Europe are held fully as. sa
cred as agreements between American
Evidently President McKinley thinks
his stock of patronage will keep fresh in
the sealed packages he has stored it
The landing of reinforcements upon
Cuban soil from the United States con
tinues to be almost a daily occurrence.
It may be that the powers will be able
to prevent a crash between Greece and
Turkey, but it does not look that way.
Boston should not cry so quickly. The
wool tariff is not settled yet.
BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES
Shame, England, on thy dastard fleet.
Which guards the sultan's murderous
Ar.d trains thy guns where Christians
Flying before the Moslem's wrath.
The Turk, thy lord: at his behest.
The bleeding hands that stretch to thee
Thou beaten: down, the while they plead
For help toward life and liberty.
I Great Christendom, which once withstood.
On Austrian hill and Spanish plain,
. The infidel, now drives fur sons
I Back to their broken chains again.
' And England's queen, who proudly bears
A title won by valiant sires,
I ' Defender of the Faith." is mute
While Moslems quench its altar fires.
I O'er martyrs' shrines the crescent glows:
St. George has sheathed his craven
Judas of the nations. Britain stands;
For India's wealth she sells her Lord.
; The Turk shall grin beside thy feast,
Base land, and keep thy Jubilee;
While Christian Liberty, In chains
Shrieks friendless from the Cretan sea.
i Thank Go<l that still on Europe's verge
One land of heroes dares defy
Thy Moslem whip, and o'er the surge
Hurls back to thee her battle cry;
For Christ, and Freedoml—Help her. men'
Crowd to the ranks, support her crown.!
Alone she lifts the gleaming cross.
While Europe's armies strike her down.
—Abba Goold Woolson in Boston He'*ld.
THE PUBLIC PULSE
(The Herald under this heading prints
communications, but does not assume re
sponslbility for the sentiments expressed.
Correspondents are requested to cultivate
brevity as far as Is consistent with tho
proper expression of their views.)
A Challenge to the " Victim"
To the Editor of the Los Angeles Her
ald: I wish to say to the party who
wrote under the norn de plume of E J. B.
an article headed "An Indignant Victim
of Oil." that if he will step from behind
the curtain and make himself known I
will thoroughly discuss the question at
issue. I do not care to be abusive, but
at all times be gentlemanly and cour
teous in my dealings with every one. He,
too, would be more gentlemanly and
courteous and probably would not be so
Indignant, providing he had room for a
derrick on his property.
J. H. KEIFER.
HUMOR OF THE HOUR
A Necessity—"l thought you were
going to enter your horse for the show."
"I was, but I had to sell him in order to
buy a box."—Puck.
Defined—"Pa. what do thR Populists
mean by 'keep in the middle of the
road? They mean that they have
lr-en kicked' off both sidewalks."—Truth.
How She Keeps It—"ls your wife
keeping Lent?" "Oh yes; she always
keeps it. Engages her dressmaker reg
ularly for this time of the year."—Cleve
The Lady of thf- House—"Who broke
nil these dishes. Annie?" Annie—"l did.
mum. .S'hure, didn't you tell me when I
first came, when I heard the door-bell,
to drop everything?"—Yonkers States-
Getting It Back—Literary Editor—
"Why do you ask $10.98 for this article?"
Author (with some reluctance)—" The 98
BOSTON (LS STORE
239 Broadway C@o J Tel. 904 Main
Son Umbrellas aid Carriage Shades
Pongee, Grass Cloth, China Silk, Muslin, Gloria and Taffeta Silks:
Ladies' Unlined Gloria Silk Parasols, TSC
Ladles' Lined Gloria Silk Parasols, J | Jffl
White China Silk Parasols, jfjjfj
Ladies' Union Taffeta, China Silk lining, gjjj
Ladies' Novelty Carriage Shades in light colors, trimmed with lace and
chiffon, orange wood handles:
Bun - Umbrellas
24 and 26-inch Black Sun Umbrellas, reliable goods, well made:
Regular price $1.00; f*/fV»
now, each 3UL
Regular price $1.25: 7^C
now, each 1
S'eaJh!".* 2 :!!' . $1.00
This department has the largest and most complete stock of medium and
high class imported novelties, at moderate prices to be found in Los Angeles
Speice's Premium Bakiig Powder
And see if it is not the best you ever used.
A Pure Cream Tartar Powder of home manufacture, with analysis on every can.
For sale by all grocers at the following prices :
X'-lb. cans, 10c; Ji-lb. cans, 20c; i-lb. cans, 40c; 5-lb. cans, $1.75
J. n. SPENCE & CO., Manufacturers
383, 385 S„ Los Angeles St., Los Angeles
THE Will Reopen February Ist
BEAUTIFUL Thoroughly renovated and newly
HOTEL ARCADIA, HotTnd Cold Salt Water Baths in
SANTA MONICA the house.
QraMest Winter Resort on tie Pacific Slope
V> REAUTIFUL SANTA BARBARA y
Never Closes THE ARLINGTON HOTEL Never Closes
The Flower Festival not being held this spring. Il drawing a trout many people t<> Santa Hnrlmru
during December, one of tho nest months (or fishing, ocean l>n thing ami driving. Pftmpui Vor
onica Springs one mile from hotel. Write or telegraph. £. P. DI'NN.
cents Is what it has cost me for postage
eince I first wrote it."—Chicago Tribune.
"Papa, won't you buy me a watch?"
"What fort my boy?" "I want to trade
it to Billy Wiggins for.one of his pups."—
Sprocket—"l gue6s Spinner's getting
pretty hard up." Wheeler—"So?"
Sprocket—"Yes, I hear he has sold hi.-i
machine and bought a saddle horse."—
"Has Hobson got a good head?" "Good
head? He's the most stupid creature on
earth. Why, that man couldn't make
money even If he kept a drug store."—
Obliged to Decline.—lsaacs —"I vo?
goin to fall undt I vanted to ask you to
be der assignee." Cohen—"l vould be
delighted, but I vos choost goin to fail
At the Menagerie.—First Street Arab—
"I heard tell that camels often has to go
a week in the desert without a drink."
Second Street Arab—"No wonder they
get their backs up."—Tit-Bits.
Fweddy (delighted)—" Miss Quickstep
told me a little while ago that I was like
Hlumglum's celebwated candy." Cholly
—"She probably meant you were 'fresh
every hour.' "—Chicago Tribune.
Uncongenial Company—"Mrs. Chink
has hit on a plan to keep her husband
from smoking in the parlor." "What
did she do?" "She hung the portraits
of her three former husbands there." —
"Ah!" cried the McKinlcylte. "Now
we'll have good times. There will be a
boom In everything. Prices will go up,
and " "And talk will be just as cheap
as ever," groaned the Democrat, gloom
First Individual—"Yes, E>lr; I hold that
when a man makes a little extra money,
his first duty is to make his wife a pres
ent of a handsome dress." Second Indi
vidual —"You are a philosopher, I pre
eume?" "No, lam a draper."—Tit-Bits.
"There's one thing I like about the
Sultan, anyhow," remarked the man
who can be sarcastic on the slightest
provocation. "What is that?" "He
doesn't stop in the middle of a war to
write communications to the newspa
A New Sensation.—Manager (indig
nantly)—"l don't see why you should be
so troubled with stage-fright—you told
me that you sang in public for two
months with the Smashup Opera
troupe." New Tenor (tremulously)—
"And so I did sing in public for two
months with the Smashup Opera troupe;
but, you see, I never sang to an audi
ence before!"— Puck.
"Well," said the man with a gripsack,
who stood in the ralway station waiting
for an outgoing train, "I've done my
duty. If the administration doesm't get
the benefit of my abilities it's the fault
of the administration." "Cheer up,"
said the aceiualntance. "If at first you
don't succeed, try, try again." "I have
done so. I can go back with serene con
sciousness that I have left no stdne un
turned. I have been refused everything
that the town affords, from an ambas
sadorship to a free pass home."—Wash
Bryan on Immortality
The following tribute to the souli's Im
mortality by William J. Bryan Is a part
of an address on the death of a friend.
It Is a gem, and Is worthy of preserva
"If the Father deigns to touch) with
divine power the cold and 1 pulseless
heart of the burled acorn and make It
burst forth from Its prison walls, will he
leave negligent the soul of man, who
was made In the Image of his Creator?
It he stoops to give tho rose buah,
whose withered blossoms float #pon the
autumn breeze, the sweet assurance of
another springtime, will he withhold the
words of hope from the souls of men
when the frosts of winter come? If
matter mute or Inanimate, though
changed by the forces of nature Into a
multitude of forms, can never die. will
the spirit be annihilated after it has paid
a brief visit, like a royal guest, to this
tenement of clay? Rather let us believe
that he who In his apparent prodigal
ity wastes not the raindrop, the blad'esof
grass or the evening zephyrs, but makes
them all carry out his eternal plans, has
given immortality to the mortal and
gathered to himself the generous spirit
of our friend."
A Visit to the Sultan
I hear that Ismail did not leave hi*
younger children anything like so well
off as is generally supposed. When at
Constantinople, In his latter days, he
was really a state prisoner. Few were
aware how the sultan put the screw
on him to extract piastres and purses
from his pocket. He was more than
once taken to Ylldiz—now a word of ler
ror at Stambul—and "bled" most hor
ribly before he could get away. On one
occasion the kidnaping process was thus
accomplished. Ismail attended a re
ligious ceremony, to which his over-lord
was to come. The latter came. After
he had performed his devotions, Ismail
advanced to salute him. The sultan got
Into his carriage and Invited the ex
khedive to enter It. The honor could not
he declined. Ismail's face for a moment
fell, but he put on a pleased countenance
and accepted the Invitation which wil
The carriage, with its military escort,
went at a brisk pace to the Ylldiz Kiosk,
the gates of which were closed behind
it. Ismail was not seen for some days.
When he came home he looked many
years older. This is how an Bgyllan ser
vant of his, whose English is very im
perfect, described to me the event: "Th*
sultan to Ismail. 'I now very poor.
I robbed by every one and never robbed
no one. You robbed very much Egyp
tians. You hold hundreds of millions of
piastres in English bank. I true lord over
Egypt. Egyptians my subjects. What
you taked from Egyptians you take
from me. You know give me back that
money.' Ismail answer sultan, 'I poor
man, much poor. Those who tell you
I robed lies. I spent all the money I
tcok on canals, highways, steamers.
Tewflk bad son and not give back any
thing. English, French, German ban
kers take largest share; Tewflk takes
the rest; I get nothing.' 'But Beacons
held give you £5,000,000 for Suez canal
shares. You have that money and I want
it I have many soldiers In next room.
They kill and bury you In the garden
if I order them. Give the check and I
release you.' Ismail very clever man. He
persuade sultan he was not so rich, and
sultan let him away when he signed
check for £200,000."
Egyptians are imaginative. Servants
now think the 'Arabian Nights' wers
written In Egypt. It may be that the
adventure of Ismail at the Ylldiz is of
a piece with the tales of Scheherazade.
None the less it is true that the sultan
often sumons notable Armenian* ts
Ylldiz. and that once they go there they
never return. The wife of a Christian
Judge at Pera told me this with tears In
her eyes.—Paris correspondence Lon
Abreaat of the Time*
First Editor—There Is a complaint that
our hints for housewives are not abreast
of the times.
Second Editor—Suppose we call these
hints for flat wives hereafter.—Puck. ""