Newspaper Page Text
AUSTIN'S HAWAIIAN WEEKLY.
Sense and Nonsense.
To select well umoiig old tiling Is almost
equal to liiventliit; now olios.
Winks "I don't like Hardhead."
Minks "He's the fellow who
thinks he knows it all, isn't he?'
Winks "Worse; he does know it
all, and proves it."
In Chicago: Stranger "Whose
little girl are you?" Florence
"I'm papa's little girl." Stranger
"And why aren't you mamma's
little girl?" Florence" 'Cause
the decree gave me to papa."
The world is peopled with fools
and he who would not see one must
not only retire into solitude but
must break his looking glass.
Excited Stranger "Say! 1 lost
a twenty-dollar gold piece along
here somewhere. You haven't seen
it, have you ?" Hungry Higgms
"Do 1 look like I'd fell dead late
"Do you believe in marrying for
love?" said Mrs. Blcecker, of New
York, to Mrs. Drestbecf, of Chica
go. "Oh, yes; once in awhile,'' re
plied the Chicago woman.
He that will not reason isa bigot,
he that cannot reason is a fool, and
he that dares not reason is a slave.
"Surprise-parties are always cut
and dried before-hand." "Not al
ways. We gave one to Rev. Mr.
Hicks, the other night. We found
him in the bath-tub, and his wife in
the back-parlor reading Laura
Cultivation is as necessary to the
mind as food to the body.
Visitor (with a gun) "Is there
any small game about here ?" Res
ident "How would a twenty-fivc-cent
limit strike you?"
Man is a sort of tree which we
are to apt to judge of by the bark.
Young Croesus "You Love
him?" The beauty "Madly."
Young Croesus "Then you won't
marry me?" The beauty "Why,
certainly I will."
Measure not men by Sundays,
without regarding what they do all
the week after.
Mrs. Crimmins (at two a. m.)
"Is that you, James?" James
"Yesh (hie), m' dear." Mrs. Crim
mins "Well, lock the gas, and
turn out the door, and come up
There is no surer mark of the
absence of the highest moral and
intellectual qualities than a cold re
ception of excellence.
Whether we descend to the low
est roots of our own intellectual
growth, or ascend to the loftiest
heights of modern speculation,
everywhere we find religion as a
power that conquers, and conquers
even those who think they have
Courtier (Cannibal Islands)
"Here comes some more missiona
ries." King (espying a detachment
of the Salvation Army, with tam
bourines) "At last these foreign
nations are getting sense. With
this lot they have sent along some
Blithers had been hunting and.
had stopped on the way home to
have his game-bag furnished: Mrs:
B. "Well, John, did you shoot
anything?" John (opening bag)
, "Did I? Just take a peep." Mrs.
B. "Lovely! Six beautiful soft
i The Disraelis were visiting
Strathfieldsayc in the time of the
1 old Duke of Wellington. Going up
to the bedroom, Disraeli found his
wife and her maid moving the bed
from one side of the room to the
other. When he inquired the rea
son, his wife said: "Well, my dear,
the duke sleeps on the other side of
the wall, and if I lie against it I can
boast that I have slept between the
two greatest men in England."
Mrs. O. F. "Can I have my hus
band put in jail fer slapping me in
the mouth?" Magistrate "Cer
tainly; that is assault and battery."
"Well, I'll come around in about a
month and make the charge."
"Why not have him arrested at
once?" "Well, you see, when lie
slapped me, I hit him on llie head
with a rollin'-pin, and he's now in
the hospital, and the doctor says lie
won't be able to get out for a
A certain general, says the auth
or of "A Transatlantic Holiday,"
had gone to West Point on a tour
of inspection, and, being a little
vain of his own military acquire
ments, he treated the students to
an elaborate demonstration of the
tactics by which a particular fort
might be taken, with unfailing cer
tainty, in three weeks' time. He
then turned to his audience, and in
quired: "But suppose, gentlemen,
the situation were reversed, and
you were shut up in that fort, say
with fifteen hundred men, what
steps would you take for its defen
se?" "T would walk out." said one
"Walk- out with your garrison from
a fort of that strength? Why, it
would be madness, cowardice!"
"But don't you sec, sir," was the
cool reply, "in three weeks T should
have it again I"
Company B won out in the rifle
match on the 24th inst. with Com
pany F. by a score of 6ot to 597;
Mi-ii mid women tire Judged liy the uxinrs
nIiiii mill ninilelliii; of tlie face, mill tlie opcr
iitor must nei'i'ssiirll.v lie n koui! j initio uf
liiimiin nature, to tulio iinjtlitiiK from the
iluliniMitlon of 11 jjootl fare In doing the ln
dhliliiiil uti injustice. A good photographer
must lie careful In the composition of a por.
trait, for the ciitncrn cannot tell n lie. Mr.
Davcy guarantees a perfect photograph.
Corner Fort and Hotel Streets.
Have on Exhibition a large
assortment of Articles in the
latest designs for China
Painting, in Haviland Ware,
LA CROIX AND FRY'S
AND COMl'LBTK MXK OK
Home Bakery and Cafe
The only first-class
in the city
Cafe open from 6 A, M, till midnight
Business Lunoh from 11 a.m. timi 2 p.m.
Diuner, from 5 to 7 im.
Ioe Cream Parlors in oonneotion
Bread, Cukes, eto , delivered to
nny part of the city free.
527-529 Fort St. Honolulu, H. I.
Wm. G. Irwin
CLAUS SPRECKELS & CO.
....HONOLULU, H. I....
San Fhancihco Agents:
Tlie Nevada Nationnl Bank
of San Francisco
Brings Good Cheer
For sale in Draught
or in Bottles nt
Also a select stock of
F.nc ft::, Liquors and lip
L. H. DEE
Corner Hotel mid Nuunnu Streets
Talk is Cheap ! ! !
When you buy an
Hawaiian News Co.
WLL DRIVE THE MOSQUITOES AWAY
Cures the Bites ! Brings Comfort !
QNLY AT Benson, Smith & Co., Ltd.,
Fort and Hotel Streets,