Newspaper Page Text
AUSTIN'S HAWAIIAN WEEKLY.
Branded for Life.
The writer of Round About Hono
lulu is not feeling up to his usual
mark ; he is depressed, and has the
feeling of a branded man. The finger
of suspicion has been lifted against
him all on account of an innocent
shampooing recipe. The barber of
the illustrious knight of the pen,
after making sundry uncomplimen
tary lemarks anent the baling-wire
calibre of his hair and its imminent
state of baldness, offered to restore
his locks to their pristine state of
brilliancy if he, the writer, would
procure half a dollar's worth of alco
hol, pure, to be mixed with other
ingredients. Unsuspectingly, the
victim went forth to his doom.
Entering the palatial store of Hol
lister & Co., where they dispense
with equal celerity and placidity,
soda water, cameras and drugs, the
would be shampooee boldly approach
ed the affable clerk with a request for
fifty cents worth of pure alcohol.
" Won't methylated spirits do ?
It's just the same thing."
" No. I want the genuine article;
it's for a sh impooing decoction."
" Aha ! Aha ! for a shampoo, eh ?
Well, you'll have to get a doctor's
" Do I have to get a piescription
for methylated spirits ? "
" But isn't it the same thing ? "
" You must get a doctor's prescrip
tion for pure alcohol. It's only a
form; write it yourself."
Here was light in the darkness.
The scribe wrote a prescription for
" medicinal purposes only," signing
it with his initials. All seemed
But Fate, in the person of the
dapper, demurely fascinating, senior
clerk, who stands in the doorway and
attracts fair purchasers to enter and
buy soap they don't want for the
sake of seeing him closer he of the
eagle eye and marble cheek, with
as dainty a mustachiolet as ever
" brushed the powder from a maidens'
nose ; " Fate, as personified by this
"Is this a doctor's certificate?"
he thundered in a tone that drew the
immediate attention of all the young
ladies who were di inking soda, all
the matrons who were buying tonics,
and every passer-by and lounger be
tween Hotel and King streets.
" It is merely my name and ad
dress as a guarantee of good faith,
and the use to which the alcohol is
to be put," .said the scribe. " I
thought you might think I wanted it
for the lamp I heat my curling
The soda drinkers tittered; the
scribe had scored.
" This is not correct. We cannot
give you this without a presciiption.
There is no knowing to what base
The attention of the bystanders
changed to suspicion. Mutterings of
" a confirmed drunkard," " morphine
fiend," fell upon the ear of the blush
ing scribe. The tonic-buying ladies
edged away from him with a whisper
of "so young, too "
" I can't drink myself to death on
50 cents worth of alcohol."
"There's no telling what you
might do. In addition to the cer
tificate, you must bring an affidavit
in which, it being testified that you
are of sane mind, you fieely and fully
absolve the firm of Hollister & Co.,
druggists, .soda-water sellers and
camera vendois, from any lesponsi
bility in any imagined or actual deed
you may now, or ;it any future date,
perpetrate with this half dollar's
worth of alcohol. The shampoo is
but a paltiy subteifnge," and he
turned on his heel, while the scribe
fled and hid himself trom the sight
Then the squatter from the cocoa
nut isle lifted up his voice across the
waters to Diamond Head.
" How is it with you, O Brother of
the Promontory ? "
" Rocky," was the reply, and the
squatter on Diamond Head passed
the word to Punchbowl.
"How is it on Punchbowl, Brother?
How are you holding it down ? "
" It's dry work," came the res
ponse. "Why?" said the listening squatter
of Tantalus, "Why, O Brother, if
you are dry, don't you try a drop of
the crater ?" And a star fell.
Ample Provocation. A school
master was catechising some boys
in a country school some time since,
and asked one of them the question :
' What is your name ?"
"Aminodab Joshua James Geod
enough," was the answer.
Question No. 2 then came.
" Who gave you this name ?"
And the master received the as
tounding reply :
" I don't know; but if ever I find
out I will break his face for him."
BOOK AND JOB
Metropolitan lJeat Co.
ioS King Streijt.
G. J. WALLER, Manager.
Erratum : For cheek read brow.
A Parable off Politics.
There was once an imported fruit
that lay on the grass beneath a co
coanut palm that grew on an island
in mid-Pacific. Now the cocoanut
palm was a native of the island.
The fruit, as before stated, was
imported. Under the warmth of the
tropical sun, the imported fruit felt
supremely happy. " This is the place
for me," quoth he. " I'm a peach,
that's what I am, and things are
coming my way."
At that moment a cocoanut fell
from the palnr exactly upon the im
ported fruit and buried it in a
squelched condition in the soil.
The imported fruit was peachless.
Wholesale and Retail
The Austin Publishing Go.
Are prepared to make
all kinds of Engravings
for the Printing Press.
For First-class Work at Satisfactory
Prices, patronize the
AUSTIN PUBLISHING Co.
AND PU1II tSUEKS Or
This establishment is fully equip
ped for the execution in a first-class
manner of every description of
Printing, and the patronage of the
public is solicited with an assurance
that our work and prices will prove
highly satifactory in every instance.
Heard in the Night
A STORY OF THE SQUATTERS.
Midnight, and the squatter upon
the summit of Tantalus called across
the waters to the &quaters on the isle
of the cocoanuts.
" How goes it with you, brethren,
over yonder ? " and a voice replied :
" It's nuts for us, O Watcher on
Estimates Cheerfully Furnished
BETHEL ST., NEAR THE P. 0.
HONOLULU, H. I.
A PERFECT WINE.
Served exclusively at the OFFICIAL STATE
BANQUET given by the PRESIDENT of the FRENCH
REPUBLIC to the CZAR and CZARINA of RUSSIA,
PEA000K & 00., Agents, Honolulu.
AlfiMndfir k Baldwin m iVi )n
Agents for Haiku Sugar Co., Hawaiian Sugar Co., Hawaiian Coml.
and Sugar Co., Paia Plantation Co., Kihel Plantation Company.
B-Tj .ujJTUIXtfr.tJW . .. Mq .'ftT j-