Newspaper Page Text
I
W LETTER OF A .JAPANESE
J SCHOOLBOY.
The Hon. Merry Christmas.
H I San Francisco, Dec. 12, 1907.
H Your Highness Collier Weekly which
H know everything, or know where
H to look for it.
H Dear Gentlemen:
H I give you the Hon. Merry Christ
H mas and hope you will finish it. Tell
V me to know, Mr. Sir., what is so Im
ps portant about this festival that Amcri
H cans make such holly-day blow-up of
H it? "Christmas arrive but once annu
al ally," many persons explain, making
V handshake. Is this peculiar to Christ
W mas? Do not all dates arrive annu
H ally also? Then why such happen on
H December 25, as do? I ask to cn
H quire.
H I answer it, thank you. The Hon.
H Christmas is a great give-away festi
H val for all persons of white extrac
H tion. Negroes is permitted in this
H Christmas custom, because negroes
H is always present when something
H is being given away. But Japanese
H can not be Christmas persons, thank
H you. Why so is it? Because Japan-
esc is all heathens, which is not cli
ps giblc to Cliristmas present. If Jap-
ancsc would obtain valuable presents
H on this date they must become Chris
H tians. This is too much trouble to
H ' do. Is it not more better for Japan
pa esc Boy to become Christian for
H Christmas-time and heathen for all
H other purposes? Thank you, I will
H All Japanese living as neighbors to
H mc enjoy belief in Buddha with ex
pa ccption.to Arthur Kickahajama who
is Methodist and I. Furo who believe
in Hon. Roosevelt. Hon. Rev. J. W.
Chillworthy, American missionary,
desire to do something to us heathen,
VL so he look everywhere and find what
j is necessary. He prepare large Xmas
j tree at Asiatic M. E. Church and go
j around to all , Japanese Boys with
j tempting speeches. To me he ap
pV proach to say,
V "Hon. Togo, do you wish to ex-
V ' pect valuable Christmas present to
V equal price of 25c?"
V' "Would, this be cash gifts or mcr-
W chandisc?" I report.
H "Merchandise of considerable mer-
H it, because Christmas presents must
H be this," command this Chillworthy
' clergyman.
H 1 "I would accept such dry-goods."
H ' I commit.
H "Very well. Then give mc 25c
H money to collect, please."
H "No thank you, Mr. Clergyman,
not to do; If Japanese Boy give 25c
V ' to collect, what graft would this
' Christmas present be of value 25c?"
VA, This question from mc.
Wj " "Togo, you arc heathen, therefore
Wy blind. At Christmas you will receive
W 1 get-back of 25c to pay for put-up of
W 25c which you now do. You will be
H generous to give me this price, I will
ppV he generous to give it back. This will
W be Christmas Spirit and keep money
Vf' in circulation."
H So I deliver this quarter of dollar
H to Hon. Chillworthy as price. As re
pa J ward he invite me to Cliristmas tree
H J . for persons of yellow extraction at
I
I
church where I will please be, thank
you. All Japanese of S. F. has be
come Christians for this date because
free ice cream will be served.
Last Christmas date Japanese
Schoolboy was very recently arrived
to America. Therefore I did not
know about Christmas. My cousin
Nogi reply that this was annual good
will Peace Conference ceremony.
Persons having bricks, bottles, shoot
guns, stick-knives .and all other poli
tical convictions must conceal these
under mattress, thank you. Enemies
must meet under kissletoc-vine for
sweet-heart conversation. Therefore
I remove all firearms, bricks, etc.
from my clothing and go out to side
walk where I watch how Christians
enjoy this great festival.
I notice there large flocks of Chris
tians bringing earth-peace feeling to
gether by drinking considerable whis
ky. City is filled of sailers, plumbers,
hack-drivers and other patriots mak
ing side-step to each saloon where
more earth-peace is poured in. Fin
ally good-will become very energetic
and front of saloon is carried away
by excitement. Peace-on-carth con
tinue to make more noisy riot by
each minute until pretty soon police
gentlemen whistle for jailcart and all
these Christians, broken in several
places but making splendid noise with
songs, is carried away to city lock
in. Of course these is very wild Chris
tians what make such behavior. It is
more comfortable to be tamer Chris
tian and take Hon. Christmas home
to wife & baby. Such persons get
small timber-tree from mountain and
plant it in parlor of home. (Some
Christians have not got parlors, so
they need not feel responsible for
Xmas trees.) Branches of this tree
is used to hang things on glass, tin
ware, clothing, groceries, candles or
anything else that is very cheap &
convenient. Then alarm-clock is set
to get-up family by lamp-light. When
joy-bell go off all retire to parlor to
watch Family Father set fire to Xmas
tree by light of candle.
All Christians enjoy Christmas with
exception of fire engine man who is
too busy throwing water on the in
surance. It is very hard duty to explain to
Japanese Infants about Santy Clans,
that famous American saint which so
closely fcscmblc Marquis Ito in the
foliage of his whiskers. These child
ren 1 ijoy great mental struggles be
cause of their heathen parentage.
Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age
daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese
barber, come to me to enquire like
this:
"Uncle Togo," she resume, "to
what extent is this falsehood about
that Hon. Santy Claus?"
"Little Annie," I suggest, "I speak
you honest truth, because you are
one childish Japanese. I do not be
lieve this Santy Claus is such per
son. Why? Because I suspect. Pre
sents here, toys there, books, albums,
jumping-up-jacks, photo supplies
sweet confectionary all these scat
tered with such immediate delivery
all at qucc and together I suspect
it can not be swallowed. Where
would this Santy Claus person obtain
so much moneys for give presents to
all Christian children, including small
negroes? .Do Congress appropriate
this price? Do Hon. Carnegie do
nate it? Is Hon. Santy Claus work
ing for U. S. Government or some
private corporations? I reply. If he
was working for U. S. Government
he would' not get around so swift. If
he was working for some Trust he
would not give nothing to nobody.
Therefore he is not.
"Japanese child, you are not insane
to think. Florget this tCjTl-tale of
American mythology. It is too fool
ish to imagine this Mr. Claus drop
ping chocolate-creams down each
chimney-pipe by such wholesale."
"No, Uncle Togo," report this lit
tle Annie. "It is well known fact
that Christians never give away pres
ents in that sneak-dog manner."
I shall buy chew-gum for this little
Annie Anazuma to eat for Hon.
Christmas.
I am considerably sorrow for civi
lizcdation when I make thoughts
about this Santy Claus affair. Does
not American missionary say to Jap
anese Boy, "Thou shan't not lie?"
Why then is this lying-instruction
given to American children? Hon.
Geo. Washington was disgusted to
tell a liar. Hon. Roosevelt enjoys
faintness after speaking to such per
sons. He has frequently spoken to
Congress about this habit which they
enjoy. Why, then, does American
gentleman donate presents to baby
and lay all blame for the affair to
Santy Claus. Is it not cowardly to
get out of it in this way?
When American gentleman give
Christmas present to wife he does
not blame it to Santy Claus, because
those lady is too smart to believe
such talk. Therefore lie must con
fess that he done it himself.
In getting civilized all over herself
must Japan get this Hon. Christmas
also? I do not require this, because
many Christmas customs is not best
good for all human races. Therefore
Japan can get along much quicker
without Hon. Christmas, which comes
only once annually, but stays long
time.
To what use is it, I will please in
quire, to give Japan Baby jump-up-jack,
toy shoot-gun, little sqijcak-dog?
Would it not be more Improving to
his tiny brain-thoughts to present
him with History-books, electrical
apparatus, etc.? Is Mother Geese
sing-song book of more knowledge to
kindergarten intelligence as some
happy treatise for Japanese children
like "How to Build a Navy in 15
Lessons?" I e'nquir.e.
Also this. Amencan young persons
employ their Christmas holiday for
make careless amusements like turkey-cat,
mcrrying and flirting. Would
it not be more healthy for their souls
if following program .was served for
Christmas?
8 a. m. Get up for Sunday clothes.
8:30 a m.r-Light breakfast of rice
& water.
g:oo, a. m. .practjec. nricv-nEhting, I
football & other simple gymnastics. I
9:30 a. m. attend lecture on Art, I
Music & Shorthand. I
10:30 a. m. read together from I
works of John Grccnleaf Whittier and I
relate humoristick anecdotes of Hon. I
Mlark Twain. '
Noon lVegetarian refreshments & j
light nap till
2 p. m. Mass meeting of all na
tionalities to discuss Universal Peace.
S p. 'm. Tea ceremony at residence
of some rich person.
7 p. m. Dinner of fish, pickled tur 1
nips & other holiday foods. I
8:30 p. m. Attend performances of
Ben Hur. i
1
10:30 p. m. Retire after sending a
out Merry Christmas cards to all
friends. I
This kind of Christmas enjoyment
would make all Christians more heal- i
thy. For Christmas present they J
would give valuable advice and re- t
ceive choice instruction as come back. j
Foreign Americans which now make I
peace-on-earth by whisky-drinking j
would not do so. By eating Japanese l
food all would escape digestion which r
now makes so many angry groans in ll
bed. Infants & babies would not be I
faked by Santy Claus. Fire-engine I
man would hitch horse and attend lee- '
tures, because there would not be no
Christmas trees o burn down the in
surance. Professors would have fine
time talking and all would be obliged
to listen. This would be very cheap
and natural for each human race.
Whenever I am talked to of giving
to merry Christmas people I tell fol
lowing Japanese mythology :
In Kyoto, about 12007 B. C, there
HAVE YOU SEEN
THE AUTO?
It's a beauty
Pierce "Great Arrow" 190S mod
el with complete equipment. f
See it in our corner windows.
With every $1.00 cash purchase
you receive ticket and as many
more as you purchase dollars
worth of merchandise.
The great car will be given away,
May 29, '08.
Save every ticket--you are very
liable to be the fortunate holder
of the right coupon.
All special sales all regular sales
in every one of our twenty-two
complete departments and the
flower store entitle you to cou
pons be sure and gct'them." "
" '"J ' "' """' i"-'' " i(
