paao* en *arth, ffoed win to men— and
most of th* woman— over th* struggling
world and tuck It In at tha corner*. Each
nonast toller— this would bar the plumb
er* and tha newspaper men and other
dealer* In pipe*— should have a neat white
cottage with a rose bush and an air of
respectability In tha front yard and a
doghouse in tha back. There should ba
libraries and dob*— not stuffed— and hos
pitals, and pension* on the half-shell, and
rest rooms ,' for tha mule* In tha coal
mine*, and perhaps straltjackets for tha
mules who own them. Any man caught
working over eight hour* a day was to
ba fired on th* spot; if the spot wasn't
big ] enough another could ba ordered at
once at the expense of tha company. Then
should ba realized that glorious future of
which tho (Teat poet Woodyard Kindling
Bang: . ' .
When a* man shall work for money,
And bo man ¦hall work for prals% .
' But each for fear of a bouncing-
And tha hop* of an early ralaa»
An expert gatherer can gather from
then* few remark* that W. Strenuous
only^need half a chance to make the
nago ,of Sklbo or tha time-worn toller of
Tarry town look lisa tha : change for a
lead nickel.
At this point In our thrilling drama the
audience Is expected to go out and gazo
at tha atmosphere some thirty-five years
while our hero is sitting up nights with
the convenient but e~sy goose that laid
the steel rail and Ltandard Oil eggs. It
is alleged by some envious ones, who
couldn't tell a goose from a lamb if they
saw them together on Wall street, that
goose Is only another rams for those of.
of their time, according to the report* ta
the newspapers), he would settle down
to a canter and begin to pass the long
green around among those whom the
lightning had failed to strike. .;.;¦>
He had noticed among other things that
labor and capital. were not on the best of
terms; apparently they had never been
introduced. Whenever there was an ex
tra large pot to divide the horny-handed
son of toil would get a Saturday after
noon off for a month while the hot
weather lasted and a large wad of good
advice about taking care of the pennies,
because he would never have anything
larger to look after; while the Uly-fln
gered scion of a degenerate aristocracy
would walk off with the surplus and tha
accumulated dividends. According to W.
Strenuous this was unjust, although quite
In accordance with Scripture and the
teachings of Mr. Baer of the late firm of
Grin, Baerlt & Co. W. Strenuous would
order things quite differently. He be
lieved that the laborer was worthy of his
hire, and the higher the better. When he
should take hold of the reins of power
and put his feet on the dashboard he In
tended to see to It that there should be
enough to go around twice and lap over
half way. . Hunger should be unknown
except at the table of the poor, dyspeptic
millionaire, and grim-visaged care should
pass .away except from those who had
trouble In reinvesting their Income.
Strikes should be as infrequent under W.
Strenuous'- beneficent . regime - aa in a
By Nicholas Nemo
Klondike mining camp or with a twlrler
of. the sacred sphere of Andy Freeman's
late alleged baseball team. ,
He had It all planned to a frazzle how
he would spread the glorious mantle of
Having com* to this sensible oonclusloa
ha sadly folded up his plans for tha refor
mation of everything In sight and laid
them away with David B. Hill's chances
for the Presidency and other lost cause*.
He had discovered that the.-e'* many a
slip 'twixt millionaire and tha millen
nium: he had learned also that while
money makes tha mare go It works dif
ferently with mules.
W. Strenuous had . the philanthroplo
ftver and he had it extra hard. As he
gayly pushed his plow athwart the stub
born glebe or dallied with the imminent
deadly brush scythe he pondered the
weighty problem of setting the sinful race
of man on the right road to happiness
and prosperity, world without end, amen.
This was comparatively easy for him, his
giant intellect being equipped with a com
pound condensing, self-lubricating, pon
dering attachment. The sun rose and
then set as is Its peaceful wont, but W.
Strenuous Hustleton went on with his
plan for the universal redemption of the
race of man. up to and Including the coal
operators. For the special benefit of the
latter he Included In his layout an extra
large hickory club and v a home-made
woolen sock with a low browed vitrified
brick carefully concealed in the south
east corner of the light fantastic toe. He
would become rich to begin with. Mod
est youth! Most of us are lucky if we
can end that way, and mighty few of
us are ever lucky. Then when he had
acquired a modest competence of half a
million a year, with a steam yacht and
a black and tan automobile on the side
(that's tho way automobiles spend most
his birth and early life having been as
we have stated, more or less, it will not
aurpzise any one to learn that while still
a youth he seriously contemplated 'the
reformation of the world. The first words
his baby lips uttered were, "Rattle, rev
enue and reform." The logical connection
of these three Ideas Is apparent to all who
have lived in New York City.
Nothing less than a complete recon
struction of society would satisfy him.
We have all felt that way at times, but,
fortunately for the world, we have to
knock off our contemplations and go out
and earn the price of three square meals
and a place to lay our heads. If we could
all be rich and good natured at the same
time we'd be walking all over each other
In our Christian endeavor 'o send th©
old scheme of things to the dust heap
and lay out a brand new society fresh
from the press.
When he presented tha hardy cons of
toll with the aforementioned vine-clad
cottage, with the rosebush and doghousa
annex, they demanded American Beauties
and a St. Bernard, with the license paid.
They called for Morris chairs in the read
ing-rooms and free beer in the hospitals.
The , pension idea suited them down to
the ground.but the walking delegates sug
gested that they be. allowed to ladle It
out at so much per ladle. They took to
the eight-hour day fast enough, but in
sisted that it should not be connected
with the payroll, on the principle, prob
ably, that a man should not let his left
hand know what his right hand Is doing.
aII In all, W. Strenuous was of the opin
ion that the cheerful but ignorant poet
who sang: '.-•>
Man wants but little hare below
Had rot th* version wrong:
It should ba. Man want* all tits ihmr,
- And wants It for a song. '
us who eat and drink and wear ready
made clothing and pay rent and buy hard
coal. This Is plainly a canard, for the
reason that none of us is compelled to
do these things if he doesn't want to. He
can emigrate to the FIJI Islands or to fair
but final Greenwood.
The next and last act shows W. Strenu
ous In the center of the stage with a cof
fee sack full of top-heavy greenbacks and
a heart full of love— and suspicion— for his
fellow man. Ha is about to realize . tha
dreams of his youth. Happy man to have
something he can realize onl Imagine his
surprise wTien he discovers on his first
appearance in the title role of tbe mag- ,
nificent spectacular drama of "Every/
Man His Own Santa Claus, or Employ
ers Made Easy," that tha house is packed
to the doors with critic* and grafters,
each one armed with an ax and a basket.
Before he'd dodged half tha axes or
dropped so much as a ham sandwich in
a quarter of the baskets he was begin
ning to scrape the bottom of his bag and
wishing that he hadn't coma or had sent
Mark Hanna or Mr. Perkins to take hi*
place at the performance*
he had been born old, or rich,
or pessimistic, his life would not have
been tha chining 18-karat lesson that It
wax. But W. Strenuous, as we have ob
served, was born young, therefore ba had
room to grow; ha was poor, therefore
he had to ret out ' and stir around or
starve to death; ha was hopeful, there
fore tt would take him a long time to
discover that he bad been licked and was
supposed to ba dead. The conditions of
WBTREICUOUS HUSTLETON
was born a poor but hope
ful young man. That was
• very considerate of him. If
THE FALL OF A
PHILANTHROPIST
love in her heart for her husband, the"
very fact of the relationship they have
borne one another Invests the situation
with a certain element of sentiment that
touches deep Into all that Is best In her
nature. She may have In the bitterness
of wounded pride said a hundred times
Death throws a halo, blinding the eyes
to the faults and fallings of tbe dead, and
It is well that it Is so, as there is some
thing noble In human nature that revolts
against criticism, whether Just or unjust,
of the dead whose sealed lips cannot re
eent the insult, nor brand the lie, while
public opinion demands that a woman
shall pay the full tribute of respect to the
memory of the man whos« name she
bears, and no matter what his faults may
have been, the grave must bury them
with him forever. ,
The average woman who has any sense
of the fitness of things Is naturally
chocked at the first realization that death
has struck so near. Even if she has no
We have all seen women living through
wretched matrimonial experiences, tied to
husbands who mortified and humiliated
them en all occasions. Who drank and
Ignored the commonest decencies of life.
and who were continually threatening di
vorce proceedings; yet, who when death
came in its dismal rappings granting the
decree they appeared to the world draped
from crown to sole in darkest woe, and
cent up such lamentations and decanted
so continuously on the virtues of the dear
departed that those who heard, and had
also heardythe previous vaporings, were
almost tempted to smile at the tricks of
memory-
So you can never gauge a widow's grief
by the length of her crape veil.
And there Is more fiction than fact In
much cf the semblance of misery that
hover? about her.
Let me apologize to the widows before
hand, begging that they will not take of
fense, nothing personal being intended, as
•vi ry widow is a class and a type of her
ee'.f. No two are alike. No two have had
identical matrimonial experiences. Only
a small percentage would marry the "poor
dear" over again, unless the original copy
»ere revised, re-edited, improved, correct
ed, rejuvenated and renovated, and yet — .
And a widow looks so pathetic and In
teresting in her weeds that few of them
vould have the dear departed returned
C. O. D. if they could.
Of course the widow is Indignant who
may chance to read this, but let others
take a real common sense view of It, and
thir.k the matter over calmly.
THKhce. are maowa and widows, ana
something whlspert to me, "Colonel,
you might aspire to be Mayor of
Hoboken If you have the nerve to
classify them."
ated, and then develops the type of widow,
Th* dashing type has plenty of money,
dresses elegantly, and as soon as formal
ities allow begins to entertain. If she
was attractive as a girl she Is doubly 90
In her robes of black. She Is always well
groomed, and soon has a string of idlers,
otherwise known as "men of leisure,"
' dangling in her train, and if she is worth
the price her wooers-are ardent and un
flagging In devotion. She has ' a large
dash of the real sport and fairly sighs
for a man's devotion while catering to bis
habit*. Y-\ ->
She cultivates his taste* and makes her
self generally companionable. Then she
acquires the chafing dish habit. 'Knowing
that tha way to a man's heart is down
the throat, and there are precious few
men who can resist the combined allure
ments of tha widow and the chafing dish.
In fact, there Is something uncanny In
Her heart Is ««t on an advantageous
marriage, and the ellgibles of the coterie
are sought out and marked as recipients)
of her own blandishments. She keeps a
tight rein on the fancies of her brood and
the youth who has the teme-ity to brave
her wrath must be fashioned ! the stern
est kind of stuff. She plays a »mall ama
teur detective part by ferreting out the
Bradstreet rating of the youth who dare*
to aspire to her daughter's hand, and th«
girl herself Is nourished on a steady diet
of wordly wisdom until she Is fairly ready
to choke.
If she rebels as girls have a way of re
belling, maternal wrath falls with a dull,
cold thud that is paralyzing.
The widow who* is more attractive than
her daughters, and there are many such,
keeps society guessing, and It not infre
quently happens that the young maa
whom It was natural to suppose enam
ored of the daughter is found to be mad
ly Infatuated with the mother. Th«
mother of the day. either as wife or wid
ow, does not play tha bass violin to her
daughter's charms.
And then falls Into Una tha pathetio
little widow who is so young, so lonely
and so fascinating.
She is dainty from the ground up. and
her soulful eyes play havoc on the mas
culine adjustment. One glance from such,
orbs has been known to causa fatal heart
•failure. - : :
She cultivates a sweet pathetio little
voice and manner of referring to "poop
Jones," that makes a fellow feel Ilk*
taking her in his arms and petting her a*
he would a helpless child.
She plays on the memory of poor Jones
until «he entangles tha poor. fellow's heart
Strings In all sorts of love-knots.
Now, poor Jones may have been th*
loveliest kind of fellow or ha may not
have been all that he should have been.
But no matter what sort of chap he hap
pened to be, she Invests his memory with
a glory of romance that magnetize* her
present adorer.
She laments her loneliness In such a
sweet, pathetic, child-like way. that th*
man who listens envies the dead chap la
his coffin for having won so much love.
And she prates on until he feels that
angel husbands must be quite a aatlsfac
tqry brand and almost wishes that he.
too, were in cold storage if his widow
would give him such a beautiful send off.
Oh, the young and tender widow, with
her pathetic. chlld-Uke ways and pleading
eyes, could demoralize anything In tha
masculine line from a major general or
a rear admiral In all his gorgeous deco
rations, down to the cop on the corner or
the messenger boy in brass buttons.
And if she bemoans her loneliness *h*
can marry anything unappropriated la
the male line within eight.
Young girls speculate tearfully an th*
widow's charm and spend sleepless night*
guessing its source. The answer, la a
nut-shell, lies in two words— worldly wis
dom.
The widow has had experience, and this
experience has taught her "a. thing or
two," as men say. - ¦-. :
In the first place she Is older and has
more tact-x The bnisquerie of the school
girl or the debutante has toned down,
and In Its place Is the suavity that at
tracts by Its cajolery or flattery.
A young girl cares, little whether eha
pleases or not; she is more Belflsh. Sha
wants a man to cater to her whims; tha
widow caters to the man's whims. Tha
young girl is exacting; the widow Is com
plaisant. The young girl Is abrupt and
says what she thinks; the widow Is tact
ful and alms to please. The young girl
is easily shocked; the widow can't ba
¦hocked— that is, a large and elegant ma
jority of them. In fact, the young girl
Is crude, tha widow the rectified spirit.
And yet. despite all we might say, wa
know nothing more of tha widow than
when we started out.
Each and every one of her Is a unique
figure that carries about her aa atmos
phere of her own.
Women never will understand her. and
the man who thinks ha does — well, ha
often wakes up with an awful shock.
kindred tender epithets, that are often
more ridiculous than affectionate, and
which somehow do not impose on peopla
as successfully as she would wish.
that she wished he were dead.. but when
the dreary summons finally come* ah*
remember* only the good and the day*
they went a-woolng In the gloaming.
And this Is where death ia merciful to
the living, tender to the dead. . .^ ( .. < .
Then. comes the period of reaction from
the shock. At first she may be either
sorrowful, remorseful, or relieved; at any
rate, the death and attending scenes have
had a more or less depressing and ennob
ling effect.
If tbe woman has really loved her hus
band she Is heartbroken and thinks she
cannot live without him, and the period
of loneliness that follows has a wonder
fully subduing influence. If she has not
loved him she is. In a measure, dazed by
the shock that brings relief. In any event,
the awful visitation has a numbing sense
through which the woman's character un
dergoes a radical change.
The widow is essentially different from
the maid or wife, both in personality and
In characteristics.
Then follows the sense of freedom and
Independence when It slowly dawns upon
her that she Is freel If she be a mother,
the realization tends to strengthen the
character. If she is alone, its effects are
too many and too varied to be enumer-
the chafing filsh when tt becomes the ad
jutant of bis royal majesty Cupid.
Then the widow who has social aspira
tions. • V Z-- "-
She la of the ice machine type— cold and
stately— and cultivates a bored expres
sion that would do Justice to a trip-ham
mer auger.
She wants to figure as l'rrand* dam*,
and ts eo stately and cold that your fln
g-ers feel frostbitten whenever yon shak*
hands with her. She Is a stickler for good
form, and wears an habitual papier ctacha
smile and adopts a wax lady pose. •'¦
She fairly aches to get Into society, and
feels deeply Injured that society don't
ache to have her. She Is of the sensitive,
morbid type, that makes you feel that
"poor Jones" made a lucky escap« when
he sot hla transfer to any other old place.
Then the managing mother -widows,
whose stock In trade has precious little
financial capital, but who has one or more
pretty daughters whom «he hopes to
launch successfully on the turbulent sea
of matrimony.
Tbe manajjlngr mother Is always in evi
dence, and In public ts always careful t©
make a display of the affection betweea
her "dear child" and herself. .She man*
ages to call the "dear" "my love" and
THE SUNDAY CAIjIi."
FABLES FOR
THE FOOLISH
11
WIDOWS
A P'yPTR.TT^ k hi if i^Tff,
DR. CHARLES FLESH FOOD
Fop the Form and Complexion.
Haa beta raeoat**
/mij3p* la * actrassts, star*
PS* */• vW^ fashion for mor*
P^J «V I* than 23 year*.
aS *(?*/ Wh«r»r« appll«4
jj -J tt U Instantly ab*
W ** sorb«4 throocb. the
S? C ports of th* skia.
>^ V aad It* wonderful nu-
'm -»ti- ' _ trltloa fe*da tha]
m - : r^» wasting tissues.
f*T/?rt*! \ Removing Pimples
V*7it3' < v- - a Y Aa if by raaslo. one
Oj(*** If) application «fta*
I U t/fN-«/VJ 'bowing a i«marka-
¦^ w l«i* IJ bin improvement,
DR. CHARLES FLESH FOOD ia positively
the only preparation known to medical acteao*
that will round out hollows hi the neck an4
produce firm, healthy flesa oa thla cheeka*
arms and hands.
- 7OB XMSTE&OTXZrO T3XS BtTST
Or breasts shrunken from mirsinj tt has th«
highest Indorsement of physicians. Two boxee
are often sufficient i ta isaka tha bust On.
Large and beautiful.
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Literary Furor?
WellRather!
E. W. TO WNSEND
tHe Famous
Author 0/
Cnimsnie Fadden
Will Make His
Debut as a
Writer in
Uf)Q Sunday Call
September 2O.