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The San Francisco call. (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913, July 07, 1907, Image 2

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THE GENTLE GRAFTER
C i i"\/J ANY of our greatest mea,**
I I said I (apropos of many
\u25a0J - I things), have declared that
they owe their success to
.' the aid and encouragement of some
""briUiant woman."
' "I know/ said Jeff Peters, "I've
read in history and mythology about
; Joan of Arc and Mme. Yale and Mrs.
1 Caudle and Eve and other noted fe
males of the past. But, in my opin
ion, the woman of today is of little
\u25a0use "in politics or business. What's
the best in, anyway? — men make the
best cooks, milliners, nurses, house
keepers, stenographers, clerks, hair
<lrcssers and launderers. About the
only job left that a woman can beat
a man in is female impersonator in
vaudeville.
*T would have thought," said I,
*"th?t occasionally, anyhow, you
• would have fonnd the wit and intu
. ition of woman valuable to you in
.your lines of — cr — business?"
"Now, wouldn't you/ said Jeff,
• : with an emphatic nod — "wouldn't you
have imagined that? But a woman
'" is an absolutely unreliable partner
'.in any straight swindle. She's liable
. u> turn honest on you when you are
..are' depending upon her most. I tried
t "Bill Humble, an « Id friend of
..mine in the territories, conceived the
\u25a0. -.illusion that he wanted to be ap
.-p/jintcd United States marshal. At
;\u25a0 that time nic and Andy was doing a
; square, legitimate business of selling
•iyalking caves. If you unscrewed the
.. Jie'ad of one and turned it up to your
.mouth a hall pint of good rye whisky
•j would go trickling down your throat
to reward you for your act of intelli
gence. The deputies was annoying
'•me and Andy some, and when Bill
'\u25a0'\u25a0' spoke to me about his officious as
\u25a0 piranons, I $a\v how pis appointment'
as -marshal might help along the firm
of Peters & Tucker.
j '•."Jeff/ says Bill to me, 'you are a
"man of learning and education, be
". sides having Knowledge and informa
' lion concerning .not only rudiments
but facts and attainments/
" '1 do so/ says I, 'and I have never
"regretted it. I am not one/ says I,
"who would cheapen education by
I making it free. Tell me/ says .I,
'which is of the most value to man
kind, literature or horse racing?* ;.:;v
•"'Why — cr — , playing the po — I
• mean, of coarse, the poets and the
great writers have got the call, of
course/ says Bill.
" Exactly/ says I. 'Then why do the
master minds of finance and philan
' tliropy/ says I, 'charge us $2 to get
: 'into a racetrack and let us into a li
brary free? Is that distilling into the
• masses/ says I, 'a correct estimate of
the relative value of the two means of
self-culture and disorder?'
"'You are arguing outside of my
faculties of sense and rhetoric/ says
Bill. 'What -I wanted you to do is to
go to Washington and dig out this ap
pointment for me. I haven't no ideas,
of cultivation and intrigue. I'm a plain
c£d»sa; ud I need the job. I've
killed seven men/ says Bill; /I've got
nine children; I've been a good repub
lican ever since the first of May; I
can't read nor write, and I see no
reason why Taint illegible for the of
fice. And I 'think your partner, Mr.
Tucker/ goes on Bill, 'is also a man
of sufficient ingratiation and con
nected system of mental delinquency
to assist you in securing the appoint
ment. I will give you preliminarily/.
*TMA PLAIN CITIZEN; AND I NEED THE JOB
says Bill, '$1,000 for . drinks, bribes
and carfare in Washington. If you
land, the job I will pay you $1,000
more, cash-down, and guarantee you
impunity in bootlegging whisky for
12 months. AYe you "patriotic to the
west enough to help me put this
thing through, the whitewashed wig
wam of the great father of * the most
eastern flag station of the Pennsyl
vania railroad?' says Bill. -^
"Well, I talked to Andy about it,
and he liked the idea immense. Andy
was- a man of an involved ; nature.
He was never content to plod along,
as I was, selling \o the peasantry
some little tool like a combination
steak beater, shoe .horn;.' marcel
waver, monkey wrench, nail . file,* po
tato masher and Multum in Parvo
tuning fork. Andy had the. artistic
temper, which is not to: be jffdged
as a preacher's or a moral -'man's is
by purely commercial deflections. So
we accepted Bill's offer, and strikes
out for Washington.
"Says I to Andy, when we get lo-
•• WELL. BOVVS WHAT I<S IT?**
catcd at a hotel on it SoutjpC;£)akota
avenue, G. S. S. \\ T r. 'Now,: Andy,
for the first time-in', our »lfv,es .we're
got, to do a real dishonest act. Xbb
t>ying/is \ something \u25a0\u25a0 we've • never been
used i to;'- but; we've got to* scandalize
ourselves for ;Bill -Hurnblc!sysak*e!;;: ln
a - straight and legitimate/business/
sayg" I^,- V *we cbuld'arTord "to introduce r a
little foul play.ahd chicanery; \ but • in
a disorderly and- heinous piccelofmal-'
practice, like "(this) it -seems: toTmefthat
the -straightforward and /aboveboard
way is the best.^.l propse,' /says I. 'that
we^hand over; ssoo^ of Uhis , mdney/to
the chairman of the national
committee, get a receipt, -lay the re
ceipt on the r president's \u25a0 desk and tell
him; aboutvßill^T|ie' president' is -; a
man who;^ would J-appreciate <a \ candi
.\u25a0' - \u25a0%<'.'.' -'^SBSSSBSBSBM
date who went about getting office
that way instead of pulling wires.'
"Andy agreed with me," but after we
talked t«ie scheme over \vith the hotel
clerk we give that plan up. He told
us that there was only /one, way. to
get. an appointment' in Washington,
and that was through , a lady " lobby
ist. He give us 'the address of one
he' recommended, a; Mrs. Avery, who
he , said . was - high; up in \u25a0sociable! and
diplomatic rings and circles. \u25a0 V '
"The ' next morning; at ;. 10 o'clock
me: and Andy- called at- her. "hotel,
and was shown up' to.' her' reception
"This Mrs. Avery was a solace and
a balm to theeyesight. She, had hair
the color of the -.back; of . a "'[ s2o gold
certificate, blue* eyes and a- system
of beauty that would make" the girl on
the cover of a July magazine look like
a cook on a Monongahela.coal barge.
"She had on a low necked dress cov
ered with silver spangles, and ;dia
mond rings and ear bobs. Her arms
was baje; and she -.was using a desk
vteleplioncwith one hand,. and v drink-.
ing /tea [ with the other. \u25a0-[ ;\u25a0 • • -• :\u25a0
bo}-</'says : shc'; : after;a/bit,
'what is it?' .^[ ' n ' '
:":. "...".I- told her. in aSife\V;wordSjasipos
sible Iwhat we wanted -for-- Bill, -and
the price ;\ye could [pay./ :
'"Those ;. western-; /appointments/
says "she, 'are easy/ / Lc'me seer now/
says, she, /who \u25a0;\u25a0 could .'/put [that 'through'
• for/ us? .No usc^foojingSwith f- ttTvi
torial: delegates/ >I?;guess^|says^she,
;'that; Senator Sniper iwould-bi would-be t about
the man.' He Y from somewheres in
•' tli e west. w Let's « : ?'see / how^/ he^'stands
on ; my' private tpenu^(card/' ... \ SheTtakes
- : sornc^ pap^ersi outi of al pigeonhole; with'
', the" lettcr/S' overlit. j- *-"•/-,"' /
:. 4 > 'Yes/ : says i she, 'he's • marked (wi tli
a star;, that; means "ready;" to »\u25a0 serve."
- * ' '"',/\u25a0
, Now, * let s see. ;, Age so; .married
twice; Presbyterian, likes blondes,
hobbies, Tolstoi, poker and stewed
terrapin; sentimental at • third '\u25a0-. bottle
of wine?.' >.'Yes/ she goes on, 'I am
.sure I can have your friend, Mr. Bum
mer, 'appointed minister to "Brazil.* ;\u25a0..
• .'VHumble/,." r> says I. 'And United
. States marshal was the berth/
" 'Oh, yes/ says Mrs. Avery.
. have \u25a0so T .many;; deals of : this " sort 'l
'sometimcs"J get confused:" h Give
me. all the memoranda* you have: of, the
'"case^; J Mr.VPetefsA and ! j come .-, back; in
four -days. '/ 1 think, it 'can". be_arranged
by'then.','-.-' ;•\u25a0 " ,"-' : :^. ; ;i -•''•'". •'-;". ',
"So me and Andy goes -back to : our
hotel and waits.- Andy walks up and
down and' chews the left" end of; his
rrtustache. . »-"' ,
: " 'A woman of high intellect.and
perfect .beauty isa rare' thing, Jeff/
sa^'s he: , • .• : . , .'\u25a0".''\u25a0'.' \u25a0''\u25a0"«•\u25a0=".
" :As rare/ says I, 'as an ''o'rtlclet
> made/from the eggs :of .'the ; fabulous
bird known as the epidermis/, says I.
, *' 'A woman like that/ says Andy,
ought- to lead; a; man. to the, highest
ipositions'/pf/bpulcncejVnd^fame/ \u25a0
; T'VJ/- misdoubt/ '.says^"l,:::,'if'. says^ "l, :: : ,'if' any wo
man ever;; helped r = a? man -to ; sccure;a
job any; more than to have* his. meals
ready prom p tly : an d ; sprea d . a , report
' that ; the .other ; candidate's wife /had
,;bnce-beenVa;shopliftef.\4They are'ho
more,:adapted for f business and poli
._tics"/; says r I, Hhan/Algefnon- Charles
\u25a0/Swinburne; is' to 'beVfioori manager a.i
Vbne j.'of ;. Chuck [Connor's -. annual Tballs;
:; Tl- ; know// says I ! to/Andy,Y\'tha,tCsonie
; times a 1a 1 woman:seerns t to step out into
; the/ kalsomine. flight /as ; ' s the V charge
• d'affaires -of <'her r man's 5 political job;
But;; how: ! does /its come 'out?;; Say;
:;\u25a0 they, have ;a neatf little -berth- sorrie
where as foreign consuliof'fecord; to
l°^|oCMKeeper -on the
,'./\u25a0\u25a0 . : ''^mjmMMililMßp" : ' -' ; '
O. HENRY
Delaware and.Rarit2.n canal.," One day
this: man finds* his wife putting on her
overshoes arid ' three months' supply
of s- bird ; seed Jnto the canary's cage.
'Sioux Falls?' he asks: with a kind <\u25a0 of.
hopeful .light in! his' eye. 'No, Arthur/}
says she.? 'Washington. We're wasted
here,' says she- 'You ought to be
toady extraordinary: to the court of
St. Bridget :." or ., head porter ..of -the .
island -orPorto Rico. \u25a0 ; I'm going .to
see about it.' '•..'•
.;\u25a0'. '"Then; this lady.' I says to Andy,
'moves again?t the authorities -at
AVashington . with 'her baggage and
munitions;" consisting of . five dozen
indiscrimihating letters written to her,
by a member of the cabinet when she
Was 15; a letter of introduction from
King Leopold to' the: Smithsonian in
\u25a0stitutiQn, and: a .pink silk costume
with/canary colored spat's...,; - > \u25a0."
'i 'Well, and then what?' I goes on.,
".'She V. has*, the : letters printed in the
evening papers :that match her cos
tume,- she lectures at an k informal tea
'given in the palm room of the 6. and
0.- depot and then "calls on the presi
dent. The;: ninth assistant secretary
of • / commerce' and labor, the first
aide de camp of the blue room and in
unidentified colored man arc waiting ( ,
there to grasp her by the hands— and
feet. They carry her out to S. W.
8., street and.jlcave her on a cellar,
door. .iThat 7 <nds fit. The next time
we hearbf her she is writing postal
cards' to the Chinese minister asking
him, -'.to get a job % in. a tea
store.' -' .'. \u25a0"."^; \u25a0 -[ / ' ' {
."'Then, says Andy, 'you don't think
Mrs. Avery will ;land the rriarshalship
for Bill?', , , ;"'
"'I do not,' says I. 'I do not wish
to be "aseptic, but . I .doubt if she "can
do as" well as you and me could have
done; : . \u25a0:; r /; • ,/ .. ;J| . \u25a0
'fi'i. 'I don't agree with you,'- say>
Andy:: Ayil bet you she does. I'm
proud of ' haying a • higher opinion -of
the talent and. the powers of negotia
tion" of ladies.' //;.-/-'.
"'We was back at Mrs. Avery' s
hotel at the time she appointed. She
was';lookingipretty ' and ;, fine enough,
as far as that went, to make any man
let -her name every office in the.coun
try. But, I hadn't -j much faith in
looks, so I was i certainly surprised
when she; pulls /out a; document- with
the great'sear of the ;United States
on it,, and j'WilliarnV Henry Humble'
in , a , fine, big hand > on 'i the back.^ . ' ;
"/You might v have -had it the next
day, boys,', says M rs. Avery smiling.
'I hadn't the slightest trouble in get
ting it,' says , she! /.'I just asked for it,
.that's all.. Now, 1 I'd ' like to talk to
•you a -while,', she" goes oif, 'but I'm
Tti& Summer Girl } sSewingßee
\u25a0 \u25a0 — HERE, is probably not a" girl
I '\u25a0; anywhere who on the closing:
I day of school_has not made splen
did .resolutions in regard to all
that she Is going to accomplish in • the
,way. of reading, -sewing and studying,
during- the* three' > or foiirr months of
holiday and absolute /freedom that
stretch ;*\u25a0' but \u25a0 before - her- like some" de
lightful andl dream; found phantom. It
is remarkable and pathetically" amusing
in Tthe .face ':\u25a0 of \ all these]^ fine ; resolves
how^Bmall 'ls the.number/of girls who,
returning ,' to/ their:; duties in - the s au- ,
tumn," can say" falthfully : that their, sum
mer r L has {'not • been. V spent-, wholly for,
themselves^ and; that';- September, finds,
them l , not .; further /advanced /but gone*
just a', little back from the point in the,
road /which fithcy had reached by the"
last 'commencement. 'Of course, /.this;
'short ".backward, step may /not prove a
serious ',6ne/andchas Uakeniplace, only
because there, has 'been / no factual ad
vancement,? for 'in 'this} world there- is;
ho -ji such ': .: thing yas : \u25a0 standing stilly
eaclir da vj finds •\u25a0 one t. either a Jlttle fur
ther r on-' or !; fallen just a little back .
from \ the /starting point of ;the day,be
t ore. ; it ; is ; a] great I mistake
t or • the girl.who works hard • and : [ eon- \
scientiousl v all wlhter s ;not to derlye>U
the I benefit s posslbie s from " her I summer
; vacation;: and 1 1 : is «' as : a uawise ', to ; fill •up j
}ill^ hours sof the * day -during.: the hot :
months with specified tasks and; studies^
as it' is; to 'let everything slide and go
in* f br.--a '^;> thoroughly .?. carefree,,, happy,
time.: /; But '\u25a0? there -is a happy;
niediuiiV;i and;; that; polntlwill Vsoon . be
discovered '•• byi -tnyv sensible • girl/, and
she. will | quickly t :leafn Vvhow^to/derive;
an immense amount of amusement out
of /everyJ-separaterday.Cwhileishe 'man- 1
agesSto i keep »apart ? a i certain i definite'
time f for* the V'quleter,^ forms .;; eajoy-'
in ent , . as \ the ; reading and > sewing,: and
this ; time \wlli -.• only ? serve 55 > to \ make the
"restjof ? the \ day I; more I pleasant/.;;;; Even""
too; much iplay •' grows .and
contrast ; la •as t necessary- in i life as in
llterature.v;/ - ";•- : '^
', Of ; course, . If the summer ; • is • to^ be
spent; in' traveling. about from, place /to
place jiih ": "a > round ;\u25a0 of .^ visits, "?. it pis i well,
nlgh*ilmpossible £ to jkeep^ any? definite
time for one's sel f , and i t is astonishing .
bowV'dlfflcultUti; ls ;to^ accomplish/ ariy->
thing actua.l;'speclfied' time be
ingZ set % aside/- for \u0084'i that \u25a0£ one\, purpose:;
But|if one Sis Ho r spend .UwOi or r three
months' in \ the \u25a0 same spotUhen 'that' per^
son^ls J muchlito^bev envied.^ Incentive \u25a0
andfcompetltion/are?;both\of Jthemjtrp-"
mendous helps when there la any work
to | beTdone,> and I especially in i self tlni-^
posed 'tasks It Us remarkable] how; much '
less dl fficult * it-, becomes \ to JcarryT s , them \u25a0
out if^there Is thdkndwledge'that'one's
intimate friend •§ is ? striving | to]{db i the '
very.; same Uhlng.'i and "unless i one "is ex
tremely/careful lwill;far/outreachones
own|best] efforts."-; z An excellent 'j plan j in ;
thi3 casefis|forl thos«' f two .girls jto get
together 4 early ! j in a the • year, make iup '\u25a0
jthelrl'minds^just.iwhatCsortvof
they/ire ; going , tb'dblthat summer.l th'eni
ar range I to] meet(ph '«Sertairi[day s r durl ng >
the/^eek?andlwork|hardjat|thattta.3k(
forj as •long. a^time'fas [they jf eel" justified ;
inVglving \u25a0 up. .^There ;f were J two, girls
The San Francisco Sunday CalL
Celling walking canes l
awfully busy, and I know you'll ex
cuse me. 'I've got an ambassador
ship, two consulates and - a dozen
other minor applications to look after.
I can hardly find time to sleep at all.
You'll give my compliments to Mr.
Humble when yp,u ~get home, of
course.' \u25a0• /. '• .\u25a0
"Well, I handed, her the $300, which
she: pitched into her , desk 'drawer
: without counting. I put Bill's;ap
pointment in my pocket and me and
Andy made our adieus.
'-We started back for the territory
the same day. We^wired Bill: 'Job
landed; get the, tall, glasses .ready/
and we felt pretty good.
"Andy joshed me all the way about
how little; l knew about womenT \
'"All J right/ says I. 'I'll admit
that she'" surprised me. But it's the
staying 'at the same hotel one summer
who early In the j season decided ' t,hat
they would take up a course of reading
together. %
They";, chose an .author with .whom
they both- wished to become intimate — '
it was Charles Dickens in this ca3e— ;
and for "an hour . each day 'those two.
girls took possession, of, a corner of: the
piazza or went down to the beach to
gether, and • while one read , a ; chapter
aloud the other sewed until it was her;
turn to read,* and' inUhls way they, im
proved their /reading, and there is no
more delightful and pleasure giving ac
complishment than that of reading,
aloud ; well, becoming familiar with well
known authors rand by practice learn
ing, to sew, neatly and fast. Gradually
other girls arrived at the ; hotel, and
theHwo who iwerei first -on the scene
would ask .them to join them- during
their .work hours." and the newcomers
were in every case only too glad to be
broughtHhus intimately, lnto the little
circle, which" fast assumed larger 'pro
portions.^ Then one girl: suddenly con
ceived, the bright Idea of their all sew
ing, for some charity, but it i was found "
that at' that time of year money-was
needed^morethan clothing, towels, etc.
so ' thwe girls decided that j they would
make/only fancy, articles and at the end:
of : the ' summer would put them ; all to
gether and have a fair, sending. the pro-;
ceeds 1 * to one of the great fresh air
f und s that .do \so much good and * save
so '\u25a0. many." lives among = the " desperately
poor in the pitifully overcrowded parts
of . the large cities. This suggestion was
carried out, and with astounding suc
cess in every .way. . .The girls ; grew vto
love the quiet; hour, each day. the fair
was /one :of the social events of the
summer at -that resort, and the good
done . by .the : moneys that : was turned
over to be dispensed among those less
fortunate,, who can have no holiday at
any V time [of th*e v yeari ; can, "of . course,
never bo estlniated. \u0084
':! The (example 'set Iby those two girls
is a good one to follow arid, in fact, is
followed -/out- in, numberless Ti countty
places numbers of yoiing girls
congregate".' -No -matter -how small a
number ;- of young .people, "there 'may
I chancel to- be«in*asummer, colony, these
girls I and ' boy s can ; always manage \u25a0t j>
spend ; ; a'fV thoroughly-/ enjoyable and
profitable \u25a0summor/' -If. there, is a Crowd
of 'schqdlboys'and: college 'youths- ther*
is , no ;. reason < why * they*, should , not > J>a
.brought* into;. the-; circle; as ; well.*, it
Iwould.'h perhaps.- be \u25a0 impossible to v get
a 5 boy: or i man » of ?. any $ &gts'i to vjoin |ft
! readlng/club, :but i there \u25a0 is s no i objection
fto^havlngthelsewingibeeiln.tbeafUr
noon and then the opposite sex may bo
: invited -in Ho /tea and \u25a0 cake. - and • the
chances are .to' one: that
, every, one fof \u25a0 them -will \be as
In attendance as If It were a football
Jgame.',: Perhaps, if X the? tea Is i handed
about early and there is plenty "of cak©
I and ; fudge" provided I they; might ;be
persuaded to Join the circle at opening
'tlme^andghelpawlth^thevreadlni.Jbut
>this^must,not l be;COuntedion.v:The:only
; real .work tha t mus t be expected of , tho
: gen tlemen ils I with i ! the « fair or , the "J last
'day that ithe circle* is to meet; and here
inestimable > service if
first time I ever knew of one of 'era
to manipulate a piece of business on
time /without getting it bungled up in
some way/ says I.
"Down about the edge of Arkan
sas I got out Bill's appointment and
looked it over, and then I handed it
to Andy to read. • Andy read it, but
didn't add any remarks to my si
lence.
"The paper was for Bill,_all right,
and a genuine document, but it ap
pointed him postmaster of Dadc City,
Fla.
"Me and Andy got off the train at
Little Rock and sent Bill's appoint
ment to* him by mail. Then -we
struck northeast toward Lake Supe
rior.
"I never saw Bill Humble after
that."
(Coprijht, 1907. by S. S. McClure Company).
only allowed to think that they ara
managing things and running it all
their ovrn way.
If t£e sewing bee is to be started up
seriously early in the year among a
coterte of girls who know each other
well and are all anxious to work earn
estly together It Is a good plan to hava
* special meeting to elect regular of
ficers — president, vice president, secre
tary and treasurer. ; The president, oC
course, invites - the new comers, see;*
that those who have been absent shall
be notified where the next meeting la
to taka place, and look after all the
minor details that are sure to come up
from time to time. Th« vice president
officiates in th« absence of the presi
dent and helps the president at any time
necessary. If there are any notices aivl
announcements to be sent out the sec
retary attends to that part of It, whlt»
the treasurer takes charge of the pro
ceeds from the fair, and if an absenco
fine is imposed collects that rigorously.
In order to insure attendance and at
the same time Increase the capital a
fine of;nve, 10. or 25 cents may be Im
posed upon a member every time she is
absent, and if this tax be laid upon th«
male population and if it can possibly
be extracted, there will be some ready
funds for the \ necessary outlay at the
falr^ — Ice cream, tea, cake, candy,'flow
ers and whatever else will add to tha
attractions of the fete.
If in a hotel community the meetings
will of course be held in a definite part
of the hotel or grounds, but In a popu
lar country place with plenty of cot
tages from which to select each mem
ber'may agree to have the meeting at
her house at least once during th«
summer, or else the president may find
It possible to have all the meetings at
her cottage, but this in an easy enough,
matter - for the girls to decide ' araon:?
themselves. ." Not .very much can be ac
complished by weekly meetings, but by
giving up an hour or so two or thres
times a week It is surprising what a
number ,of pretty bags, sofa pillows,
handkerchiefs,' .sewing cases, collar
bags, traveling sets and numberless
other pieces of that sort that are so
easy, to make and are so effective and
brin g such good prices can be turned
out by the end of the summer.
For the fair at the end of the sum
mer "each girl, would. better contribute
'what-she finds easiest to make, for
that: will be the article that the can
make 'best; and there, is no object la
struggling to make one sort of bag or
pin f cushion when : Another ; style Is as
attractive and 'simple '.to manufacture.
Embroidery may be slow work, but ths
. girl with ; a natural taste for this sort
of sewing will * provide the necessary
centerpieces : and do tiles \u25a0 that always
sell s». well. Book A racks, picture
frames. \u25a0/ scrap baskets, , clothing pads
and all such style of .things require
, glue and ~, more ; Implements - than It Is
convenient ,. to carry about, but whera
/.'there's a will ; there's a way.-, and per
ihaps"ln the; circle there ; will be soma
• girl who " Is ; ambitious * enough for th«
success of the fair. to make these , arti
cles at «. off times at home, and * sha
should *b« allowed »to .'do most of \ the
reading at the meetings.

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