CLASSIFIED AD SECTION
THE SAN FRANCISCO CALL
VOLUME CVil.— NO. 152.
THE CANDID FRIEND
An Independent Review of Men and Things That Figure in the Contemporary Life of California
\u25a0 t 1 ;;HE regents of the University of
\u2666 <\u25ba California arc reported to have
\u2666 ' \u25a0 Jd L 1 decided to excise or delete certain
\u2666 • \u25a0 ••\u25a0\u25a0nil i «\u25a0 . >
i \u2666 sculptures of the human form
t -%'f i divine that had been regarded
t. X <$> S \u2666 n tne wa >* or purpose of adorn-
' "^ x T f
"'\u2666 $ t I " 1Cnt f ° r tllC & ate P osts of that
\u2666 S \u2666 institution. The regents, wisely
.. no doubt, decline to assign rea
sons for this judgment and a curious public is left to
conjecture whether the'order is made on moral or on
climatic grounds. These doubts are promoted by
the precedent created in Boston in a somewhat simi
lar case.- as related in the Herald:
I • .\u25a0 • It. -as reported, Macmonnics' bronze statue,
' : . ".Bacchante, is to be given or loaned to the Boston
. . ..Museum of Fine Arts, after a sojourn in New
. .'\u25a0'; York as the property of the late Mr. Ycrkcs,it is
.. " ":.'l'Q be hoped that those who opposed placing it in
: .; \u25a0""• • the public librarj- court on the grounds of its
unsuiiability for its environment will not fail to
recognize its entire rltne»s for the galleries of the
museum. Will the country at large also please
. • . note that the fight for its earlier rejection was *
: •' . not one grounded primarily on the nudity of the
- ligure, but on the suitability of the statue for the
:•\u25a0-. I site, an objection that can not now be reasonably
• : -.\u25a0\u25a0 =. raised?
. . -. The distinction is well made. A statue should
'.at least be covered with a roof. This is the irre
ducible minimum of decency that commends itself
equally to Berkeley and Boston. . . ;
WHITHER ARE WE DRIFTING?
\u25a0 T find this entertaining paragraph in a Chronicle .
\u25a0editorial on "The Political Trend" in the direction of
'\u25a0-. - :: 'socialism:.
\u25a0 : '". " ; • •'. ':. -. The republican party stands for social order
;v . \u25a0 and representative government. All other parties,
, "'\u25a0\u25a0;-.: ox factions, by whatever name usually called, arc
'\u25a0;{ : ; socialistic, and as the avowed socialists alone,
.. ; : although an almost negligible number, know just
.'\u25a0 ;. ••\u25a0\u25a0 what they want and resolutely and vociferousl3 r
C\ '..". '\u25a0\u25a0:\u25a0 demand it, the floating material which comprises
:'~< the. democratic party and the minor factors of *
. . V-- unrest, arc attracted to socialism and permit that
:. .. cult to give character and direction to their effort.
:': ''\u25a0: It would be difScult to pack within the same
space an equal amount of misinformation and wrong
; headed stupidity. The most distinctive doctrine of
... the republican party is protection for home industry,
"and a protective tariff is a very advanced form of
Socialism. The theory of protection is that we take
from one class. part of the product of its labor to
give it to another class which is supposed to be in
greater need. This is plain socialism and nothing
else. It is not to be condemned for that reason
and may be good or bad, according to the way the
principle, or rather the plan, is applied. The illus
tration demonstrates either that the Chronicle' is
ignorant of the most elementary knowledge of the
subject \u25a0 or is attempting to conceal the facts for
partisan purposes.
WHAT DO THEY WANT?
Then we arc told that ''the £ avowed .socialists
alone, although an almost negligible number, know
just what they want." What is it, then, .that they
want? . I have spent some time and labor trying to
find out, and I have never yet been able to dis
cover any "avowed socialist" who could formulate
an intelligible program as a guide to human conduct .
and affairs. Some time ago I took occasion to write
something on this page about socialism. and I got a
big bundle of letters in reply from "avowed social
ists." -The interesting thing about these letters was
that none of them agreed with any of the others.
Some of them, of course, were merely abusive and
stupid: but the others all had private and individual
plans for the regulation of all human affairs.
AN EASY. WAY
One of the letter writers was, like most of the
.•-socialists, a benevolent and well meaning man, ani
mated by a wide human sympathy. He was con
" \u25a0 - -, v- r
vinced that all our woes, our sorrows and our hard
ships were due to the institution of money. Abolish \u0084
money and hunger would be no more. It was as
if one should say "Abolish the scales and bread and
butter will grow on the bushes." - ' 0
WHERE IT BREAKS DOWN
Socialism in its infinite variety of forms invari
ably freaks down at the same place or, rather, from
SAN FRANCISCO, ' SUNDAY; MAY i, 1910.
the same cause. It fails to tak'c
account of human selfishness. The
protective tariff will serve to
illustrate the point as well as any
other phase of socialism. \u25a0 The
whole country is now crying out
because the principle of protec
tion, originally benevolent and
useful, has been abused and per
verted to fatten selfishness and
greed. I quote again from the
Chronicle :
The outcry in certain /sec
tions about some provisions
of the tariff is utterly and de
plorably selfish in that it rep
resents desire for special priv
ileges at the expense of other
Americans, and -would never
have attained volume enough
to attract public attention ex
cept in* such a season of so
cialistic unrest.
LOOKS LIKE A JOKE,
BUT IS NOT
No, this is not said in joke.
It is merely the solemn stupidity
of ignorance. The Payne tariff
is the crowning monument of
special privilege inspired:, by
greed, and yet, says the Chron
icle, the* attack on it is a form of
"socialistic unrest/' The Chronicle " '
knows no other method of argument, but calling
names, and when '" anything>.is called '-socialist* that--
\u25a0 - • - \u25a0 \u25a0..- \u25a0 »\u25a0» \u25a0 -- .\u25a0,- '• . . . - \u25a0 jr.- -.\u25a0-.-\u25a0•
should settle the whole controversy.. . ..• - : '
A PARENTAL SCHOOL ' '
Like other human institutions, 1 socialism in its
wide variety of forms is good or bad -in the exact'
proportion that the men -who operate or. administer
it are good or bad. We have in this city an admi
rable institution known as the juvenile court. It is
a form of pure socialism applied to the care of de
fective or -wayward 'children! There is-a school at
tached and the principal, being a- woman of. ideas,
understood that most of her wards were not prop
erly fed and nourished in their homes. Accordingly
she collects 5 cents a week from each of her charges
and with this money and some outside contributions'
she supplies one wholesome and satisfying meal for
the school children every day. The boys do their
own cooking and like the work. .The city supplies
fire and the cooking plant. • ,
SUCCESSFUL SOCIALISM
The institution is an eminent success because, a
number of unselfish women of the California club ;
have taken a warm and enlightened personal interest
in its prosperity. It is a triumph of. administration
and co-operation — for .which Miss; Alexander, the.
principal, should have credit — that supplies a plenti
ful meal of bread, meat and vegetables for Hungry
boys at 2 l / 2 cents apiece -and teaches thc,m cooking .
besides, in these days when people are complaining
of the high cost of living. - But I could quote you
dozens of instances where men were paid money by
the state for the care of neglected or abandoned
children and 'used 1 it'-. to fatten their own greed while
their charges were abused or even sold into -virtual
slavery.
A REPEATED HOG
Pasadena runs a municipal farm by way, it may
be presumed, of an object lesson in socialism.. T am
unable to say whether it is a successful venture or
otherwise because its: book keeping appears to be ;.*
obscure as -well as confused. At least I am com
pelled to this conclusion by a report printed: in-. the
Pasadena Star of proceedings before the city, coun
cil, to wit: , '.-'.;
. . Superintendent S. O. McGrcw of the city farm
f reported that rain had been of great value to the
crops, although it had suspended farming opera
tions. Last year's walnut crop \u25a0 brought $3,267.72. ;
Prospects, for hay good. Sold forty-three -head of
hogs^ which brought- $1,296.75. . One hog 'brought
$58.80. Income $407.55: ; One-hog brought $58.80.
Income $407.55. ' Expenses $859.36. v
One special hog appearsto have earned distinc
tion ; as ' an -. inspiration ; for 1 bcal \ pride arid the civic
spirit, and so he is made to figure as a' repeater in:thc •
account. No doubt the municipal hog is'tlicprbud
Edward F. Cah il l
| EDWARD F. CAHILL |
cst. triumph of socialism. The
•. -.' - - • • •\u25a0.-\u25a0\u25a0•\u25a0 \u25a0\u25a0••.
political hog is a familiar species,
'but the civic hog is a quadruped
with a message. He is a pig
, whose whistle is heard around
the world, but why is he counted
twice unless it might be to. help
out the census? . ,
The same report relates how
the city attorney of Pasadena was
instructed to frame an ordinance
prescribing the ingredients that
.should go into the pies and ice
cream sold by peddlers to the
school children. If J a city turns
farmer, why not' go a step farther
and enact the cook book?
STRATTON'S BLOODY
LITTLE IDOL
— The functions of government
arc becoming daily more com
plex and multifarious. Collector
Stratton, who says his prayers
night and morning to the god. of
\. 40 per. cent ad valorem, has im
-.-.-'\u25a0
; proved on Charles Lamb's famous
definition of books that are not
books — the books that no gentle
man's library should be without.
.; According to Collector Stratton,
John Gilson .nowcll's books are not books in the
eye of the custom house, but; art: . ;- ' _:
is a duty of 40 per cent iid valorem" on
manufactured leather, which is art, which is the
bindings of these; books," asserted Stratton. "Art
for. art's' sake is not;'onc of the aphorisms of the
customs- service. ; Forty per cents' please.". < -
The god ,of {4o per cciit : a"U valorem has an indis
criminate and .inappeasable! appetite. Jimmy Dun
phy's pink rat with rings on his fingers, and. bells
on his toes wouldbc art in the eye of the custom
house. x . ; ; I/.
A FEATHERED QUADRUPED ' .
Long ago, to appease -the: appetite- of this bloody
little idol, it was found necessary to* classify -frogs'
legs as poultry. In the eye. of the custom house the
frog is the only quadruped with feathers.;
'• It is reported that Plato, the Greek philosopher,
defined man as a biped without fcatjicrs, but when
a graceless disciple turned ioo'se on the audience a
fowl which he had plucked alive and inquired if this
were a man, the philosopher was stumped. He
needed the penetrating eye of the custom house.
JUST BUGS
.., An English railway guard, whom we would call
a CQndtictqr, in this country, being suddenly called
: upon offhand. to assess tlic fare for a pet turtle which
accompanied a passenger on his journey, thus laid
down the, law and classification:
• "Dogs is dogs," he mused, "and cats is dogs, and
parrots is' dogs, but turtles— turtles is insects; and
pays no fare." ; Bugs again ! . \u25a0.. . . .
RAMBLES h
- Indeed, the custom house reasoning- carries a
flavor of the adorable Septimus, like, this :.,... . ....
. . "Why should you be happier if I took. care of : " *
. your money?" ..." , ..,'." :-\u25a0. \
"I shouldn't spend it 1 . I might meet a man who
wanted to sell me a gas engine." - •
. "But you needn't buy it."
X "These fellows" arc so -persuasive, you* see. At
otterdam last year a man made me buy a second
''Arc you a dentist?" asked Zora.
..'\u25a0'Lord, '.no! If I were I could have used the ,
"What did you .'do \ with it?" y
"1 had . it packed up and dispatched, carriage
'paid, to an imaginary person in Singapore."
"I'would defy anybody to sellme a thingl
didn't want," she replied. ;
"Ah. that," he said, with a glance of" wistful,
adoration, "that is because you have red hair."
"What" has my 'red hair -to do, with lit?" she .
"It was a red haired man who. sold ?me the .
,1; suspect that some (certain red' haired man sold
a "dentist's, cliair to Pasadena.
WPfAT WOULD HE DO WITH IT? \u25a0 V
I offer .this little- droll story' with a moral * for
socialists:. i ; : ..'; ; . ''.* ;.; ; '.; v .,.'\u25a0' '\u25a0\u25a0-'.\u25a0\u25a0• .
.....,\u25a0: A; man "^tpbd'on'thc platform of a little station '•<\u25a0 ..
in an Indiana town waiting for a local tram. 7^l
Along came the Twentieth Century limited, ajid *
as it passed the water tank a. dog rushed oat and,
barking furiously, chased it a few rods down the
platform. The stranger turned to the station
agent and said: "Does that dog do that often?"
"Ye?." answered the agent, " 'most every day."
"Well," said the stranger, "I wonder if he expects
• ever to catch it?" "I don't know," replied the
agent, "but I don't wonder so much about that as *
what in thunder he thinks he would do with it if
he ever did catch it."
Tis a grave question, God wot, and I don't know
what might be the answer for San Francisco, but fn
Pasadena they overcome the difficulty; by counting
the hogs twice.
DUNK'S DEFI .*T' 'V * i
Dunk McKinlay has been telling congress How
he recklessly defied a Missouri reporter 18 consecu
tive times in this wise :
•" \u2666 \u25a0 \u25a0 /
"I made eighteen speeches, and in every speech'
I said that one reason that the Kansas City Star •••
was opposing the president's administration was
because the proprietor of that newspaper was
influenced by a large department store in Kansas
City. At each of these eighteen meetings a re
porter for the Kansas City. Star sat on the plat
form. I made the statement directly to him each
night, and dared him to print it or deny it in his
newspaper, but not a word was printed.
Dunk did not tell congress that the most impor
tant result of his 18' Speeches was that the demo
cratic majority in the district was nearly doubled.
If he had defied that reporter some more they; might
have made it unanimous. % . • •„„ M . .
A BUSINESS POET W^^^^^-
San Francisco is happy in tHe possession- of a
poet, not of the common, useless and unprofitable
kind, but a business poet from the word goy and his
name is //James Henry • MacLaff erty> the man who
wrote :v: v ; . , . '/\u25a0&
The Pride of the West! .
The Gem of the Sea! r
; The City that is!
The City to Be! j,
Where the ship "Content" her sail Has furled;. ~\
The City loved around the world! r' -
San Francisco!
Of him and his work Guy Buell writes an appreci
ation for the Stockton. Record. It appears that Mrv
3lacLafferty was in a previous condition of servi
ture, a drummer expounding in a business way Out
yirtucsof vaseline. Of his work in that capacity,
: OJr. Buell writes : . y'
\u25a0 His entire vocabularj' was a fluid state of ,
combativeness, plus an inclination to set his /
word machine in operation, either with or without .
valid excuse. # ,
This did not surprise, me in the least, as several
v years grior to dividing office rent with him he had
visited my home in an interior city for a day; on '
this occasion he was exploiting the merits of i
vaseline, and if : there was any project or under
' taking in the field of private or public actmty that.
r could struggle along without vaseline, after its
virtues had been mentioned to the promoters, he >'
had never heard of it. «., .'
He assured one with the most profound
earnestness that the medicinal virtues of vaseline
proved it to be a universal panacea; that it could
\u25a0 ,• be utilized as a remedial agent for any physical
disability from croup to premature old age;
, furthermore, it was so harmless and palatable that
it would only require a treatise on the subject for'
it to be used'as a substitute for that' time-honored '
golden yellow extract of lacteal fluid, thereby
creating an era of -peace for the red cow, like
i ' wise the honest plowboy whose duty it was to rob
her offspring of its rightful nourishment.
ONE OF HIS SAMPLES
• Whether Mr. MacLaffcrtv is merely a good
drummer gone wrong or a real poet breaking loose
"i from restraint I am unable to say. but here is one of
his samples from a yard wide piece about the
meadow lark of California :
Perhaps I love thee more, thou feathered voice.
Because thy body, earthbound like my own.
Must yet become as mine, 4 which hath no choice,
But find its place in mother earth, alone.
But,' oh; my dearest, cherished wish shall.be,
My. song may bless some soul, as thy song
" This is at least good enough to get a man out pf
jail, but I would not like fp venture deeper into the
mysteries of poetic appraisement. Without bother
ing over that, let us; acknowledge the popular obli
gation to MacLafferty, who has found a use for
poetry, hitherto regarded as waste, which he con
verts'; into: a useful and profitable by-product. It is
Uhe boast of the pork packers that they utilize every
hog* except the squeal. MacLafferty
- beats -that. \ --_ • . ' .