Newspaper Page Text
The San Francisco Sunday uall
Cholly — Where did you get him? >
- Voice from Bed wore him home last night from
Miss Crosspa's.—Comic Cuts. *
Watch the Elephant
1. The Keeper—Say, baby, you
caught cold somewhere. I'll run right
over to the doctor's and get some
thing to clear your head. .~
2. The Visitors—Just look at that
elephant k ee P er running away. Won
der what he's running for, anyhow. ;.""/
3. The Visitors hasn t stopped
inning yet. .
4. The Elephant — Atch — ou-u-u-u-u-u-u.
/ Both! Equal to the Occasion
"Do you know, sir,"'began the Jersey commuter, "I would
rather shell green peas than do almost anything else? My /wife
says that it demoralizes the servants" to have me do it. but I'm
not living for. the servants. # "*■""..*'/.
"The other day L sat down on our back porch with a pan
of my favorite vegetables* in my lap and was enjoying myself in
great shape," far from the madding crowd, for my wife had some
swell callers.
"All of a sudden I heard a woman's voice say: -
4 "Oh, I must see your cute little back yard; I've heard-so
much about it.' V . ; ' ",-Y -
"Then the window flew open and out popped two pretty -Beads.
"I turned mine away, and my wife was equal to , the occasion.
" ■*' 'Mike,' she said, "you must remember to mow the lawn before
Mr. Nutley comes home.' .. •--:" ' .-•",".
" Vis,' I replied, trying to put in a little foreign accent; and
all was well."
What He Did
In "Little Humorists at School," Mr. H. J. Barker, tells a story
of a school mistress who asked one of the littler girl in her class,
the daughter of a man who was not always so sober as he ought
to have been: "What is your father?"
"Please, miss," was the prompt reply, "when he's working he's
a bricklayer; but when he's out of work he's a teetotaler <
* Postpone our wedding until
June? Why, Jack, that's impossible.>
If I don't marry you next month I
can't at all."
"Why not?" -
"Qh e r Mr. Simmons '-■ asked,
me to marry him in May and I've
: promised: .'/'Y-v - *:--.•■ ■■x^r
FUN
/ The Bird— mister, I wouldn't live in
this " house if I was you. The roof needs
shingling.
A Fairy Tale
• Every now and then some
body in Germany invents a
new fairy tale. Here is the
very latest:- ' -
A poor cobbler had a wife
who was ' constantly nag
ging him, and one evening
when he came home a little
later than usual she com
menced to upbraid him the
minute he came into 7 the
house. It' was some little
time before the : cobbler
could get a word in, but at
length .the'«; angry woman
stopped for breath:
/ "Be quiet, Catherine," he
said, "and - listen to me.
This; evening 'I -. have had a
stroke of good luck. -On
the way home ;met a fairy
who had lost. her way, » and
in return" for my help in
leading her back to {'the
right path she gave me this
pair of magic/slippers.'-.
"What is there wonderful about them?'' demanded' his wife, examin
ing the pair of * slippers. he/was carrying.
"Well, she '. told * me," the- cobbler went on, "that \ the . person who
put on the" right one became invisible immediately ;:then,/if they put
on/the left one, they. appeared again. Now you see how important
they are" T:/ f' { '•/{•■-• •' L:.<, .; ■;/% v.,;,-. : { ) -. ./; ; :.:.'■ .{. ''<"•*"'._■:'
"Let me try said his wife; and "she .promptly sat down and pulled
on : the right slipper. {At the same instant she vanished" away com
pletely, leavingher husband gaping at the empty air in front of him.
"Bless my life!" he gasped. "Then it's really true! She's 1 ' gone!"
He glanced at the other slipper in his hand, and making up his
mind quickly, he hurried out and threw it into the deepest well in the
neighborhood! • ••* ,-- , . «t v "
' Yes, He Pitied Him
~"John,".* said / Mrs. Witherby, "that {man /Smith, who lives next
door,' made an awful mistake last night. He got I into our house
instead of his .own and thought at "first it', was
you." .- .. " • *** r :
:'--i■{"'.-/'*Yes, ; dear," replied Mr. Witherby. "I met
- him on the street-this morning and he said he
* .never was so sorry for any man in his life."
THE PICTORIAL HISTORUY OF BUGVILLE
! □ail - OT9 .BE TO \ffl& HOG €^bt»
w(. LID w u/UUuUo. Jp* Ss.
V Lazy Man
"Have you had-.your
house insured against
fire, madam l-'j began \
the insurance-agent;\j '..;
"No, sir,", replied/the.
lady of the house.
"Are J you not/afraid;
of fires?"
"I am not, but my
husband J is"> very much ■<
.in ; a we; of * them.",:
"That so?"
"Yes;, during the 10
years of * our , married "i
life ;he has never once
-kindled a fire."
: The Trouble
"Gertrude, I have ter
rible news for you. T
love- you."
"Oh, "Harold—l faint
- —support mc." , -'"■■.
■'.': "That's just what I'm
not able; to-do."
■' ;■.■■» - . ... ■■- ■!■;
1 The Professor Ellen, you have been in my employ twenty
-1 five years. As a reward for your fidelity I have decided to name
this bug I recently discovered after you. { ' .':{/'
HOUSE HUNTING
The Old, Old Story
—In the New Way
/ "Will nothing induce you to cease ';
your attentions to me?"
I "Perhaps. Suppose* we try matri- ;■':
mon>P'VvV--"V'.'VcY\ /{ YY "' : V '";"
- "What dirty hands you i have,
.Willie^ What would; you say if I
came to school like that?" .
"I wouldn't say anything. I'm 100
polite."
: "- "I'm boss o' this farm," said the ; man. ,« * ' [ /"• V;/
/ i So the wife was called^" and : she/affirmed her husband's asser
tion. . - ',•-■ -' ■..-; ~. ."
Take whichever horse you want," was the boy's" reply. :
So the husband replied: "I'll take the bay." /. ' ;.. "•
- But the wife did not like the bay horse, and called/her; hus
band-aside and talked to him.- He returned; and said:
"I believe I'll take the gray, horse." ■■ ■ „■
"Not much," said the young man.- "You get a hen."
His Confession
. "I've spent a great deal of hush money myself," said Carver,
after the latest police scandals had been pretty, thoroughly dis
cussed, i -V' . ■■ f ■"'"■-.' """ "'
"You?" exclaimed his hearers in chorus.
■ - , ~,..,-. ... .....„- - ♦ ... - .
"How. much?" -._ .
» "Well, you see, ■/ I : have been : the - father
of seven children, and as babies they got
away with a good deal of soothing"
syrup." .
* ' '7s /' it well, do you think, to tell the truth about your
neighbors ?" »
•l'v>,<ll/" "SI I' "i I'll il ~...-../,.,■,.„.■ . . ■
"Yes; : but wait till they've moved. *
'-.".-■':. '■ . 1.---.-.: ■.. - ...'..■': -
The Boss
Once on a time, runs, a
modern fable, a youth'about .
to i embark ton the sea of '
matrimony/ went to/ his
father and said:
; "Father, -who should ;be
boss, I or my wife?"
; The old man smiled and
said: "".,. : "
; "Here are 100 hens and a
team of horses. Hitch up
/the horses; put the. hens
I iritCKthe wagon, and where-:
ever you find a man and his .
wife ■-■- dwelling l stop and
make inquiries as to, who is?
the boss. ; *" *-. ;. v
§~'■■-. "Wherever " you •/ find *',-/ a
woman running things leave
■>-,& hen. i If you /comel'to^a'
place where a man ;is in
control, give him a horse.
After 99 * hens had 'been
disposed of he ; came -to a.
"/house-and made the usual
inquiry. Vr .**,*- * ' ■■
' Mrs. Bird — Co and make him move. We located ;
this place for a nest first.
Harold's Choice
"Look here, now, Harold," said a father to his little son, who
was naughty, "if you don't say your/ prayers you won't go to
heaven.""- . . ' < *' .
; • "I/don't want to go to heaven,'';sobbed 'the boy; -"I want to
go with you and mother."
Envy Rewarded
They were sitting side by.- side on 'the sofa .when the young;
author/said: "Yes, I have a ; new volume in the press."
"How I envy that volume," 'said the 'roguish* girl, blushing.
When he saw the point they, were both very happy.
What a Chance!
"I am willing." said the candidate after he had hit the table a
:> terrible blow with his fist, "to trust the people." \". *■'-
. "Great Scott!" yelled a little man in,the audience. "I wish
you'd open a grocer's shop."
Moving
House to let!
Where? I say.
I must.get *
One right away.
Rent is what? .
Sixty. . Try it.
Wow! m not
? Going to buy it. -/•,
Neighborhood '"'••'-:-:..';
| All right . •• -"
(Watch your woodpile
all night). "* ' '. '■
Ash can
Dust flies.
Milkman
Sunrise
Quiet?
Peace?
Riot-
Police!
Rest seek
At Aquarium;
Next week
Sanitarium.
- 7 Tracing His Ancestors-} v
. ~ /'".{> A Polished Crown for Him
A prominent lawyer, famous alike for his wit
and his bald head, strolled into the barber shop
and took his accustomed chair. \
. "I think I'll have a "haircut, Joe," he ; re-/
marked. - * -** * ',
The 'barber looked at him, slapped the beau
tiful pink and shiny dome of his customer's
-skull with mock tenderness and gave a loud
laugh. - -* ,-'-•
"Why man," said he, "you " don't need a hair
cut today. What you want's a shine."
Squelched
"It's a fine day, miss," said the fresh young
man. "Beg pardon, but is my cigar offensive
Vto'-you?"-/ /'; / ;>'-'./.'{/{ {/ \ {■./■■'.'._.. '■ '" .
"No," she said/coldly, " not in comparison."
"Say, pa, \ the girls of the Bachelor
Girls' club write me that they've
solved the working girl problem '*
■.now?
"By ; marrying successful young
men. , . , .;■:■;,.' .;'.-; -,;
