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title: 'The San Francisco call. (San Francisco [Calif.]) 1895-1913, December 08, 1913, Image 9',
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You Insist on Being a Worm, Don't Be Surprised if Folks Go Out of Their Wav to Step on You &
The Call's Magazine and Fiction Pages
YOUTH AND AGE
Y3UTH is thankful that it ha? YOUTH; thankful for the fairy
things that go with it; for the dreams that are; for the things that
are to be; for the daring that swells its heart and takes Old Time
by the beard; for the stir and the strife of life; for red blood and love;
for the colors and flowers and gems that go with this decorating time
of life; for the mighty joy of TODAY, and most of all for the high,
delicate hopes of what IS TO COME! Age is thankful that its feet
and body are warm—that a soft chair closes it round; thankful for the
Liitl? BgbLie's Pa
WILLIAM F. KIRK
ITOALD Pa last nite that our teacher
toald us nobody used pure English
I guess if yure teecher herd that
teemster out in the road she wud
think so. sed Ma. His horses has
been trying to get out of a hole for
half a hour.
I guess yure teecher never herd me
talk, or she wuddent say that, sed Pa.
I pride myself on my pure English. I
have offen seen peepul setting back
with admirashun wen I talked. Pa
sed. & I knew it was beekaus they
envied me for my pure English. I
can't help talking that way any moar
than I can help snoring in my sleep,
sed Pa, It cums natural.
The teecher sed Americans was get
ting so thay used moar slang than
good English, I sed. She gaiv us the
addres of Spartycus to the Gladiators
& toald us to taik it hoam & lern It
as a example of pure English.
Eeven if you lerned It & tried to
speck it now moast of the peepul
wuddent know what you was talking
about, sed Pa, unless you turned it
into slang sumthing like this:
My friends, today I croaked a guy
in the ring. I took off his blinkers
and say, kiddo, what do you think?
It was my pal, my old side kick, my
college chum. He knew me the min
ute he gave me the once over, smiled
and kicked out. It was the same grin
I had lamped on his map when we
were kids. On my shins I asks the
Roman prateor for his body to shoot
It back to the old folks, but he gives
"me the frozen stare and says Fergit
it, kid, fergit it: there are no regular
guys except us Romans, see?
That is the way you wud have to
speck Spartacus nowadays, sed Pa.
If mirror* are very dull and
speckled, the following method Is ex
cellent: Take a small portion of
whitening and add sufficient cold tea
to it to make a paste; rub the glass
rdth warm, dry tea with a soft clotn,
then rub a little of the paste well on
the mirror and polish dry with tissue
"»rv frequently when separating
the whites from the yolks of eggs
the yolk becomes broken and falls
into the white. Dip a cloth in warm
water, wring It dry, and touch the
oik with a corner of it, and the yolk
will adhere to the cloth and may
*a»Uy be removed.
If a lump of soda dissolved In a
little hot water is added to the blue
water on wash day. It will prevent
the blue from settling in the clothen
i doant think peepul talk slang as
bad as that, sed Ma. You mite among
sum of yure associates. Ma told Pa,
but the wimmen that go to our wim
men's clubs has been taiking a grate
dccl of pains lately to make our Eng
lish as correck as possible, so that our
childern will heer us using fine Eng
lish & lern to do the salra.
That may be all rite, sed Pa. but I
think childern lern moar lissenlng to
their fathers than any other way.
That is how I got hep to a lot of the
stuff in my think tank, sed Pa. I used
to keep still wen my father was talk
ing, and always got a ear full. That
is how I got so I cud bat over 300 in
j the Language league. Pa sed. The
j main thing for childern to lern, he
j sed, is to say sumthing with a punch
in it- Anybody can be clever, but it
taiks a hero to carry the punch with
him, & unless he hasent got a punch
he cant win. Do you get me?
I get you, sed Ma, but I must say
that you are anything but a pattern
of pure English for our littel son to
follow. St beesldes, Ma sed. the trub
bel nowdays with children is that
thay reed the sporting pages of the
paipers & lern a lot of slang that
way. Here is a verse about baseball,
for instancs, sed Ma, that I can't malk
any hed or tail to:
The Giants used to Bhow real skill,
Thay dinent play like flounders
When Donlln slammed the pesky pill
& Gilbert ate up grounders.
How is children going to lern pure
English wen thay read that kind of
nonsense? sed Ma. I am glad our
littel Bobbie dosent read that stuff.
I dldent tell Ma, but it is the first
thing I read in the palper.
and make them perfectly white. This
is especially useful when the water
is very hard.
If potatoes are watery, scrub them
and score the skin alt the way around,
but not deep; then boll in salted
water, keeping on the skins. The
cracked skin lets out the moisture
and the potato is dry and floury.
Brown leather traveling bags, or
any other brown leather goods, may
be beautifully polished by rubbing
them well with the inside of a banana
skin and then polishing with a soft,
Bootlace tags sometimes come off
quite good laces. In this case thej
may be replaced with impromptu
ihsis of sealing wax. Cut the tag.
smear it over with scaling wax, (hen
press It to a point while the wax is
Copyright. 1913, International Newa Service.
things that it has known; for the dreams that came true and that it
can forget those that never did; thankful for the wisdom that keeps its
heart from hurting and loving too deeply; for the peace that it has
found; for the youth that sometimes surrounds it; for a fine old book
and the crackling hearth—and, most of all, for the end of strife—for
the warm, even heartbeat that finds pleasure in meditation and feels
no more the tormenting, bitter-sweet flame that distracts the heart of
youth. Youth and old ape; wild birds and dozing pussies—each thank
ful for so widely different things!
Daysey Maymc and Her Folks
FRANCES L. GARSIDE
LYSANDER JOHN felt strangely
depressed. "My wife," he re
marked, "read a paper today on
'Studies in the Prytology of the Hy
menomycetes, Especially the Boleti.'
and my daughter delivered an ora
tion on 'Philosophical Status of Value.*
They use such big words it is neces
sary to send them to the state chemist
for analysis. I feel that my efforts to
reform will fall short of their aim
because of my simple language."
He sighed. "But we will do our
best," he added. "We will continue
our efforts to assist noble woman in a
solution of the problems of the world.
I now ask answers to these questions
which have perplexed humanity since
the world began.
"When poets talk of the mantle of
night do they mean a nightshirt or
"In conversing with a man who has
a glass eye. at which eye should you
look when you make reply?
"If a man has been specially good,
will he, as a particular reward, be
given the choice of which of his wives
shall meet him at the pearly gate?
"What is meant by the saying, 'He
has something up his sleeve?* Does it
men he Is suffering the experience
Tabloid Tales *ir
FRANCES L. GARSIDE
WHAT, Mother Mine, is the differ
ence between the words "puny"
"Puny," My Child, is used to de
scribe a sick child whose father works
by the day. "Fragile" is used to de
scribe the sick child of the wealthy
man who employs him. There is a
social distinction in words, My Own.
Why does the mother smile ail the
time her baby howls and yells?
She is thinking, Daughter, of how
proud she will be of him when he Is
grown up and Is made governor.
When the older brothers and sisters
fuss for turns to hold the baby,
Mother, does that mean great love?
Ah, Child, how Ignorant you are.
It means, only, that the baby is new.
What, Mother, is a family heirloom?
It Is anything handed down from
Mother's side of the house, which
Father calls trash.
What Is a secret. Mother Dear?
It is something which you tell every
cne, but whisper In telling It.
Are there any women left, Mother,
who think it wicked to use the sew
ing machine on Sundays?
Yes, Child, and there always will
common to all men of an undershirt
sleeve that won't come down?
Turner & Dahnken circuit has added
"Bloodhounds have never yet run a
culprit down, and for that reason the
world remains in darkness concerning
this question: If bloodhounds should
find the man they are chasing, would
they play with him or eat him?
"Is it just twins, a pair of twins, or
a set of twins?
"Will the motive that prompts the
effort result in greater accuracy
when a suffragette throws a bomb at
a man than when a woman throws a
stone at a hen?
"If Luther Burbank is the bene
factor he claims to be, why doesn't
he produce a watermelon with han
dles to carry it by?
"Is the cat that catches the gold
fish and breaks the bowl a pest or a
"If a man knew he were to be cast
on a desert island tomorrow, and were
to be permitted to take one person
with him, would he dare"—here Ly
sander John paused and looked appre
hensively over his shoulder, and his
voice sank to a whisper—"breathe
out loud the name of the person he
be until sewing machines are pro
vided with soft pedals.
Is it a sure thing. Mother, that
those who wronged you will get their
punishment some day?
It is said to be sure, My Child, be
cause the thought is comforting, but
it is my experience that punishment
for those who wrong you is never
dead sure unless they stole and ate
your green apples.
What, Mother, is meant by the ex
pression, "Bosom friends"?
It Is an expression, My Dear, erro
neously used to express great friend
ship between two women. Literally,
it Is a term that should be applied
only to a baby and its mother.
What is tact. Mother Mine?
It Is a quality in you which your
enemies express by saying you are
Is it possible. Mother, to fan a
dying friendship back to life?
Just as possible. Little One, as It
is to start a fire without matches.
What. Mother Mine, is the most
appropriate song for a wedding re
I can think of none, Little One,
more touchlngly suggestive than "I
the family cupboard arssr-a
Yon Can Begin This
Great Story Today by
Reading This First
Charles Nelson, a wealthy New
Yorker, on coming home on a certain
afternoon, discovers his son, Ken
neth, drunk, and in the scene that
follows, Kenneth accuses his father of
maintaining another establishment.
Nelson admits the truth of the charge.
His wife, a society leader, hears the
discussion, and it develops that the
estrangement in the family has come
through the woman's indifference to
her husband. Their daughter, Alice,
sides with the father, and Kenneth
takes his mother's part. Mrs. Hard
ing, a mutual friend, tries to patch
the trouble, and contrives that the
Nelsons shall meet at the Alpine
apartments, where Nelson has gone
from his home. In the lobby of this
apartment house Mrs. Nelson acci
dentally meets Kitty May Claire, the
girl who had won her husband's af
fection. After his wife leaves. Nelson
has a talk with the girl. He tells her
they must "quit." The Rirl declares
she will have revenge. She takes it
by having the son, Kenneth, fall in
love with her. He moves to an apart
ment house in which she has lodgings.
There settle upon the boy as leeches,
Jirn, Kitty's father, whom Kenneth
believes to be only her chauffeur, and
Dick le Roy, Kitty's former dancing
partner in vaudeville.
Now Read On
(From Owen Davis' play now being presented
Jt the Playbouas by William A. Brady.—
Copyrighted, 1813, by International News
S err ice.;
Continued from Saturday
"Welir* asked Kenneth in happy
Kitty was a student of effects. She
looked up demurely.
'•Kenneth, I wonder what you really
think of me?"
"You know." The boy spoke ar
"No—really I don't. You are only
a boy, and I guess the girls you've
known are a whole lot different from
Ken bent over the chair tenderly.
"Not one of them so pretty."
"I'm serious. Those girls—they
wouldn't one of them come here—to
"I may be young, but I'm not so
foolish as not to know that the nar
row little world I lived in wasn't real
life at all. That's why I got out of It."
"Are you sorry?"
Kitty looked up at him with the
telling effect of wide open, question
ing bine eyes. She had calculated the
full effect of those eyes—and in Ken's
brown ones—in the deepening inten
sity of their gaze, she read that she
was not falling.
"Sorry!" quoted Ken. "Sorry! I
met you! You are right when you
say that you are different. You know
the real world! That is why I am
"Afraid?" questioned Kitty in genu
The voice took on a deeper note.
It was the timber of desire—of ten
derness —of longing.
"Oh, Kitty, dear, lam nobody. I've
never done anything In all my life—
never even wanted to—never eared
whether I was worthy and n»eful and
wise—until I met you. I care now—
care a lot tho\ Yon see—l LOVES
And the Family Skeleton laughed
Kitty sprang to her feet. Injured
innocence was in her every motion—
in every throb of her voice. This hoy
was coming out into the open here
and now, she decided.
"You - re like all the rest. I thought
I could trust you!"
There was almost a sob In her tone.
The boy and the woman stood with
her great armchair between them.
Her hand, looking very frail and tiny,
rested on the back of the massive
piece of furniture. Very gently, not
to frighten her—not to "frighten"
Kitty Claire—with sudden passion.
Kenneth took that little hand In his.
"I want you to marry me," sald
< buries »lnon'n aon.
She looked at him' a moment, then
crossed over to the couch on the other
side of the room and sat staring far
Into space—far away—back over a
month—back over two years before
that month. Suddenly she began to
laugh nervously, with a tension in
her hysterical mirth. Kenneth went
to her, and taking her hand again
still more gently—with deep rever
ence—sat by her side.
"What Is it dear?" asked the boy.
Never looking at him, still staring
into space and stirring a memory he
could never guess nor half fathom,
the girl spoke:
" I !" 8—lrs funi, y- I didn't know it
would be so funny."
"You knew that I loved your* asked
the boy, his mind Insistent on the one
thing he wanted—her love.
"You must have known I would ask
you to marry me."
To Ken that was the only way. To
poor little Kitty—to sll the poor Kit
ties, sadly wise and wisely sad—there
is always "the easiest way."
The girl spoke with dawning truth
• "No! I didn't! I didn't!"
"But you will," said Ken, with the
masterfulness of even the boy who
"But you will marry me, Kitty?"
Kitty turned on the couch so that
she faced him, so that she was looking
into the glowing eyes of her young
"Kitty May marry Charles Nelson*
son! I'd like to do It, hut I can't. I
haven't got the nerve."
"Why? I love you, dear." Reason
enough, this love of his, for anything
thought the undisciplined boy.
But discipline and nature, the silent
dispenser thereof, waited.
"Reasons enough. One of them is
we couldn't live. You couldn't earn
$10 a week, and your mother wouldn't
stand for me."
"She wouldn't. She will, when she
knows you, when she finds out all
When Emily Nelson found out all
about Kitty May! Kitty knew well
what that day would mean, for Emllv
Nelson knew bitterly much about
She answered a bit wearily. This
thing was getting unpleasant. It
was beginning to hurt her. She had
never meant to hurt herself—only to
"get Charles Nelson."
"I sueaa not, Ken. She wouldn't
Adapted from Owen Davis' Broadway Success.
"BUT YOU WILL MARRY ME, KITTY?"
"KITTY MAY MARRY CHARLES NELSON'S
Htand for me If I had always been a
good girl—and she'd soon find out—
(hat I haven - .."
Kitty's voice trailed off -wearily,
Kenneth cried out In horror.
"What are you saying? Kitty! My
God! Kitty! Why did you say that?"
He arose, with blighting fear com
ing for a moment to his eyes—and
then hope banished it somehow—hope
that he had not heard aright. This
thing could not be—Kitty—the girl he
loved—the girl he wanted —Kitty—his
little, sweet, helpless Kitty.
"I said it because it's true —and I'm
tired of lying. You asked me to marry
you. I had to tell you why I couldn't.
That's' the reason."
So Kitty May's second supreme mo
ment came to her. Honest, when a
He would have given her what she
had fought so hard to gain. Honest,
when honesty hurt so much. Honest,
when "it Is better to lie a little than
to be unhappy much!" Perhaps the
Angel of Records heard her—and
marked one page in white —In shin
ing white—to offset the heavy crim
son debt of Kitty Claire.
Kenneth sank heavily to the couch
and buried horrified eyes In trembling
hands. This thing should not, could
not, must not be. Soon he would
wake —as he had always waked from
bad dreams when he was a little boy.
"I don't believe it." he gasped from
a dry and aching throat that would
scarcely express his words.
For the moment Kitty Claire was
perfectly honest. There was no stage
effect of remorse in her tone—just
real regret—just real pain.
"You're a dear boy. I'm almost
sorry I ever knew you."
It was true. Kenneth felt now that
it was absolutely, horribly, bitterly
true. He crouched in pain, waiting
his next blow.
Kitty crossed back of the couch
where he was huddled, and put her
hand gently on his head. Even Kitty
Claire knew the mother instinct to
The boy's frame sank awful de
"You! O, my God!" He sobbed the
words with labored breath.
Kitty spoke gently—almost as if it
were of some one else she was talking
—but in her voice there waa a hope
less note for her own story.
"Anybody but you would have
known it. Ken. I've known it so long
that I didn't ever expect to he
ashamed of it again; but somehow I
am. right now."
The boy raised hie head and looked
at Kitty with stricken eyes. There
was a brooding expression far back
in their depths). Kitty's revenge had
begun, and it was to sweep Charles
Nelson's son far out of the back
water of his boyhood—far out into
turbulent seas where ha could never
He spoke with a harsh dullness.
"I knew you were different—that
I SON! I'D LIKE TO DO IT, BUT I CAN'T. I 1
1 HAVEN'T GOT THE NERVE."
you went around and had a gay time,
but I—didn't know this!"
Kitty mused aloud.
"That's why I got to like you, I
guess, because I didn't want to like
Suddenly she shrank from his side
and crossed to the center of the great
cold room. She stood there, looking
very little and very helpless. Then,
nerving herself to give up all she had
struggled to attain, preparing herself
to meet Jim's wonder and Dick's
triumphant laughter, she spoke.
"You'd better keep away from me.
boy! UuU-k! Right bow! You'd
better put me out!"
There was a pause—Kenneth strug
gled with himself.
"I—can't," he gasped.
His love for Kitty May had gone
deep into his nature.
Kitty pulled herself together and
her face hardened. She had given
Charles Nelson's son a chance be
cause he was a dear, lovable—young
fool. But he was a "young fool"
after all—and the Instrument of her
revenge. For a moment she allowed
herself the luxury of telling the
truth—she pqt into words the finest
moment she had ever known.
"All right, I guess I needn't be a
fool. Nobody ever did much for me.
I TRIED TO DO MORE FOR YOU
JUST NOW THAN ANYBODY EVER
DID FOR ME—OR I THOUGHT I
WOULD EVER DO FOR ANYBODY
"What can I do?" asked Kenneth
HR HALF Of ALL SICKNESS CAUSED
fly WEAKENED. CLlffl-UP KIDNEYS
Hundreds Suffer From Kidney Trouble and Don't Know It;
Backache, Bladder Disorders and Rheumatism Is Result
It la a well recognized fact among
physicians today that a greater part
of all sickness can be avoided by
keeping the kidneys working prop
This is even more important than
for the bowels to move regularly.
The kidneys and bladder are the fil
terers and sewers ot the body and they
must filter the blood and keep it pure.
When they fail to do this properly'you
suffer with pains in the back or sides;
have bladder or urinary disorders,
lumbago, rheumatism, dizziness, ner
vousness, or feel tired and worn out.
If you have ariy such symptoms, don't
neglect yourself another day. Secure
an original package of Croxone, which
costs but a trifle, take three doses a
day for a few days and you will be
"Nothing, any more than I could
when I was a kid. There are some
things youn can't change — and I
didn't have a chance. You are in
trouble now because you didn't know
what a rotten joke life is. I didn't
know it either—once. I was work
ing—cash girl in a big store— wasn't
16—and a rich man came along—
and " i
Kitty's voice trailed off wearily. She
had been 16—once—and different—and
she hadn't known "what a rotten Joke
life was". . . she felt vaguely sorry
for the girl she was telling about. . .
she almost wishe—she almost wished
she were 16 again—and knew ....
Her eyes gazed wearly back into that
dim past she was conjuring up too
late, as is a way of the sad little,
weak little, bad little Kitty Mays of
She heard her own voice fading,
dying—then vaguely she sensed Ken
neth Nelson again, for the boy had
leaped to hla feet, afire with purpose.
Impotent purpose, and passion.
"D—n him!" shouted Kenneth Nel
Kitty's voice was fierce, too.
"Some day I am going to tell y«a
what that man was."
"Tell me," said Ken, with all %
man's inflexible desire for revenge in
Continued from Saturday
When cleaning knives damp them
before rubbing on the boards; thl»
will produce a better polish and they
will clean much quicker.
surprised how entirely different you
This new, effective preparation
soaks right in and cleans out the
clogged up, inactive kidneys, so that
they can filter out all the polsonoua
waste matter and uric acid and keep
the blood pure.
Croxone is truly a remarkable rem
edy for the prompt relief of kidney
and bladder disorders. You will find
it entirely different from anything you
have ever used. It is so quick acting;
and effectively prepared that it ia
practically impossible to take it with
Every druggist recommends it and
is authorized to return the purchase
price if Croxone fails to give the da
sired results the very first time you