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OUPA)GUE OUAT JOKEmS.
Some of the Venerable Jurists Can
be Witty When They Have
A Mind to.
R. M. Larner in News and Courier.
Probably the last place a person
would visit in quest of humor would
be the room in the capitol occupied by
the supreme court of the United
States. Members of that dignified
tribunal sometimes relax, however,
and indulge in pleasantries among
themselves and at tho expenso of
Counsel appearing be fore them. Chief
Justice Waite had a vein of dry hu
nior concealed uder his black silk
robe, which occasionally manifested
itself in his dealings with his brothers
on the bencih anld lawyers practicing
before the couri of last resort in this
The "Heavy Weight" of the Bench.
David Davis, w-ho weighed over 300
pouids, Could justly be described als
a 'jolly old 'Judge.'' le had tile rep
utation of being a good story teller
and on ninny oveasions he disconcert
ed his associates on the bench, as well
its practitioners at file bir, by his
asides, audlible tIIroughoil Ihe chain
her. le frequently embarrassed at
torneys by Clever and humorous sug
Tpstice Gray, of Massachueltts, was
prone to indiulging in contentions over
trivial details which were often hu
A Bird's Eye Argument Overruled.
On 'one occasion Attorney General
Harmon was argning a case involv
ing possession of certain public lands.
With a view to presenting the case of
the government as clearly as possible
the at torney general hung u1p in the
court room maps showing the location
and dimensions of tho tinil in dispute.
Justice Gray was opposed to maps,
charts or other exhibits in tle Court
roomn, claiming they were not only lin
sight1ly, ilt 1 reflection upon tle in
telligence c ili 4onurt-. 11l entered a
\i-01or11uS protest 1-aillst the m.tioll of
the Ittornev enera who repliel that
he had brouht t1he exhibition to aid
him in plaeinz IIe ease ''conpiellen
sivelv before ilie eourt. I sinply in
trodinee them to ive a biy' e (ve view
of the territorv involved.
"I have not tile eye of a bird." re
torted Jude Gray. "and t herefore
your maps are wortihless so far as I
Won His Case by His First Paragraph
Within the recolleetion of tle old
est employee of tle supreme court
probably tle most am1using neidInt oe
curred soon after the close of the civil
war. A case was brouiglit by a Louis
inna lawyer, L. Madison Day. against
I. C. Micoul to recover prIOpery t\ak
en from a relative of Mr. DaV under
the confisealioll act (of tile reconstrue
tionl period. Mri. Da was a pictures
(ue fl_unre. with lone yellow hair pro
fusely oiled aind .'clled up at the back
and si des. riift'led shirt front, stock
and l aollar, dark greeni P ri nce Al -
bert coat. buntY trousers and long
When the day arrived for aruzmuent,
alt hiough thle court didl not convene
unmt il noon, Mr. 1Day made his appear
aince in thle chiambier about 9 o'clock
uin lie morningm. atid busied hiimsel f ar
ranging hooks and papers to lie used
ini preseniting his side of the case.
Whien the cr'ier, declared the court
openi every t able and a large portion
of the floor was covered with law
books for the use of Mr. D)ay. Calling
thue case, thle clerk announced that Mr.
Day was present, but the oIlier side
wuould submnit their case in a printed
bief without ar'gunmnt.
Therenpon Mr. Day arose, bowed
piofonndly to the members of the
court, took a few sips of water, suck
ed a lemon and made several flourish..
es with a red bandanna hanidker'chie~f.
Then reading from an elaborately
decorated and1( prlinted brief' of. sever
al huund red pages, a cop)y of wvhiich is
still preservedl in thle archivecs of the
couri, Mr. lDay said: ''May it please
thfle court, whien Ithe Bonny Blue flag
wuent dlown before the Star Spangled
lBanner, t ha t glorious emblem of the
union, the conistit ution and( the en
fceinmnt of the law again waved in
"1 '(irom Maine 's dark pines and
a .eirags of snow
S To where inagnolian breezes blow.'
'It was fondly hoped that civil
strife and conteiition were at an end,
and that peace, quiet and repose had
ret urned to bless the land.. But these
were hopes which but allured to fly,
for searcely had the soundse of artil
1ery ceased and the. amokE of battle
cleared off, and scarcely had inn mi
become dry on the parehngtst Opu"
don which fell from the exe ollh
havd tldek as an itinil 1aea 'ta
N tewed the br~o~ Sn'N Vaarmnb*ose
orior of the supreme coutt of Louis
lana.to reverse a victory, obtained it
this new mode of hostility and' attael
upon the powers and authotity of th
United States and the rights of on
which are firmlyl based upon th
During the flood of eloquence ther(
was a whispered consultation betweer
the chief justice and his ass6eiates
When Mr. Day completed the las
word quoted above, which was the
first page of his voluminous brief, he
paused to take a sip of water. It
prdved to be a fatal sip, for the chief
justice informed the orator that the
court hiad concluded to affirm the de.
cision 'of the 'ow' Iribunal and,
therefore, further argument would
he unnecessary. This staggered Mr
Day and le resuined his seat, but il
is a matter of record that he nevei
agaii appeared before the United
States supreme court.
One of Justice Bradley's Naps.
ti-hing the closing years of his ju
(icial career Justice Bradley, nick
named "Alinude Joe' for his course
in tihe iayes-Tilden controversy, was
in the habit of taking a nap while
the court was in session. He had an
understandiig with an attendant by
wlhicli he was to be aroused daily af
ltr dozitig awhile.
This system worked well and the
old gentleman took ia nap daily, cov
ering his face with his hands, as if
in meditation, and only court officials
aid his associates knew that he was
asleep. One day Solicitor General
Phillips. who was noted for his abili
ty to state griefly and comprehensive
lV points at issue, was presenting the
governmeiit's side of a ease. Closing
his argument, having previously dwelt
with directness upon the one great
principlo in the ease, solicitor general
was astonished when Judge Bradley
straightened up in his chair and re
quested Mr. Phillips "to enlighten the
court onl tile main poiiit before con
"Tf your. hionlor please.'' said the
s0licWitor1 .11enleral, " I end(eavorVed to bie
xllivit on that point in the earlier
sa eor Il. ar-minlellf. Jltlin fromi
qllS (lmeo 1lglVStlolls; propoiled
Ime by other imeihers of tle court I
iia1ined I had sieeded."
There was a viiple of laughter
throulghout the court rooni, and Jud.e
Davis. il an " aside." remarked:
"Brother Bradlev has beenl taking a
nap.' subsequently it developed that
the attendant whIt usually arouseld
.1ud._e Bradley by delivering him a
law book at a certain time. was out of
the court. room at the hour he was ex
pected to awaken the sleeping jus
Two Justices on the Gridiron.
Justices Brewer and Brown are tal.
Clted after-dinner wrators, and theii
wit an(l humor is of the keenest. varie
tv. Receitlv hith were -u.ts at a
gridiron dinier. Justice Brewer, be
ing tle senior on tle bench, etimlettv
required1 t hat if cal led upon a. Juist ic<
Brewer umiut speak Iirist. Ini a wvitty
short talk of tunre gridiriont flavor,. J1us
tiee Brewer accusedl his associa<
with plagiariing from JIoe Miller '
JIoke Book and1 similar publication fo
his post-praindial efforts. He adde<
that his brother- had gone furt her ii
quest of originality, for in a recen
volume of sup~remue court decisionis hi
hiad dliscovered an opinion of his owl
credited to .Justice Brown.
Th'lis led to a rejoinder biy Justic
Brown to the effect that persons writ
ing the name of Br-own or Br-ewe
carelessly were liab)le to create con
fusion. He confessed that on severs
occasions that he had received mnai
intended for his Brother Brewer.
I do not object to finding notes o
a sentimental nature intended for m;
br1other ini my mail, said Justie
Bi-own, nor will I protest too vigorous
ly because his bills are fr-equently sen
to me, ''but I will not uinder any eli
cuimstances bo held responsible for hi
Therec was a roar of laughter, and
was the consensus of .opinion tha
honors w-erec even between the two jus
tices so far- as repartee was conceorr
It Was His Busy Day.
'"Ethel,''.he whispered, ''will yo
"'I don't knowv, Charles,'' she r<
'"Well, when you find out,." lie sai
rising, "send me word, wvill you?
shall be at Mabel Hick's until 1
-o'clook. If I don't hear from you b
10 I'm going to ask het."
Story From Kenitucky.
W. A. ' Sharp. telephoned us froi
manrsdall $'esterday that PWoon
ia tiitied the slop froxm hIi't Qi
e4r into;Sal4 River andjtbat it lia
*i4 (the flah~ druntk i thaMe." 5(
he 'r a sa, haealld auo b
jumpe. Bob Edgar quit workg
i the sight. He noticed a aW%ed
that seemed to be tight and he sto
over. on something that he,
was a stinp in the waer:.- a
the eat. It proved to be, a 200 po '
turtle full of booze, and it movedVf
into deep. water with him.. As
can't swim Hugh Vanarsdall and 4t.
era reseued him with difficulty.
Gesn Gleaned From the Teabhi
.o All Denominationt.
If you are going to malie home a pav
adise, let love preside in it.-Rev. W.
H. W. Rees, Methodist, Pittsburg.
Compassion is too beautiful to be de
scribed by the pauper hieroglyphics of
language or painted by pigments that
have not been prepared in the holy of
holies of an artist's soul.-Rev. Moore
Sanborn, Unitarian. Atlanta, Ga.
iarnest Christianity. -
The brightest examples of earnest
Christianity are generally found amid\ 4
widespread indifference. Surroundings
per se can never ruin a man. Influ
ences. however pernicious, are power- I
less when they face a human will that
has decided to conquer.-Rev. Earl
Hewson, Congregationalist, St. Louis.
The carelessness with which many
attend religious services is one of the
principal causes of church degeneracy.
Every Christian, no matter where he
happens to be on Sunday, should make
it the rule of his life to attend religious
services at least once during the day6
Rev. G. F. Hall, Independent, Chicago.
Fewer of Infuence.
Long ages ago some one sinned, ate
of the forbidden fru}t, and the result
has been Immeasurable woe and sor
row to the world. Today the actions of
the present generation will influence
future man none know how greatly,
but it will be so.-Rev. S. B. Haslett,
Unitarian, Worcester, Mass.
The only way to have personal ben
efit is to work and live and die for
the common good. le enters most in
timately into the thought of God who
follows the example of the Son of God
and gives for the pleasure of giving
and dies for the glory of dying.-Rev.
A. S. Crapsey, Episcopalian, Rochester,
. N. Y.
A perfect marriage. if it Could be
found, would be first a perfect con
panionship, then passionate love super
seding, for the two are quite separate.
If you who are not married find that
you ever get into such relation with a
man or woman that you would seek
their compaiionship and find comfort
and help and stimulus in it day by
day, week by week, year by year, theii
It is pretty safe to get married.-Rev.
Minot J. Savage. Unitarian. New York.
How to ne Happy.
The only way to be happy with men
Is to open your souls to faith and trust
and good will. Believe in somebody,
trust somebody, love somebody with
the large affection which covers faults
with beautiful' trellis work and brings
out Into the light till of the virtues and
good poicts. Do that and see how it
will warm your heart and set it thrilling
with the resonanuces of good cheer.
Come out of your selfish shell and see
in others as good <iualities as you seem
to yourself to have and learn how
mutch they can add to your store of
good feelinig.-Itev. II. R. IIarris, Epls
[fct Law of Hlumnan Life.
Mef haegone to the ends of the
earh i serchof wealth when at their
ver dors repiled up fabulous stores
of It. Thteir~ eyes are holden that they
do not see it. So it is with this perfect
law of life, this law of liberty. Men
are still slaves and are cryIng out for
-- a deliverer yet to come when that
- deliverer is at their very door-yea,
. even walking by thieir side - and is
Ireadly to break the chains that have so
Ilong bound them. But they do not see
It, because they have not yet looked
into this perfect law of human life and
have not put it to the test.-Rev. Dr.
~B. P. Fullerton, Presbyterian, St.
.. Temptation Teat..
t Old Athens had one monster Mino
taur, but our modern cities have many.
We have the open saloon, that high
way to hell; the gambling den, that
death place of honor, and tho brothel,
t that graveyard - of manhood. In the
t wise plana of .Cod temptations are per
. mitted to assail young mcen, and, there
.. ia a divine purpose in it all. Tempta
tions are.testa. They develop the mnor
al niature and strengthen character.
-By resisting temptation .the young man
grows to noble manhood. Battleflds
Li develop, heroes, and these moral- con
flicts develop heroic souls, young mna
must meet and overcome femptation.
God pledges his aid to every young
man.--Rev. J. W. Harsha, Presbyte
UNIVERSITY O F SOUT H OARO
THEl UNIVERON1Y OF SOUTHl
CAROLINA .offets Seholatrship in
n the Normal Dopiadment to two young
a men fran.ekehd1iuity, Each sehalor.
-~ipis' worth *O money and $18
d Xantrotaien i ,o 9~~..u fee.
0 t6,vib held At Co
Humor s philoS6phy
A busn wagon by any othe4 nam
Prould smelt as .
The world will be thank'ful l*tas
resuvius and is relatifns get through
Yielding to generous Impulse is -a
aInful operation for some people.
Some of our infant industries act as
I they felt they had to sit up nights to
iupport their papers.
A, time -of famine is the only time e
'at man has the laugh on a thin man.
It is only one of the surprises of life
o find the chucklehead of your school
lays In the front ranka An middle age.
A sense of averages 1s more to be de
ited than a rich father-in-law.
E9very man has his share of troublo,
Wnd the married man has two shares.
The more money a man has the few,
w'people he esteems.
An Abused Person.
The umpire's Job is not' a snap,
It any one should ask you,
And for a modest, quiet chap
The work in not a task you
Would care to pick if he desired
A life of peace and quiet
And wasn't one of those inspired
With love of noise and riot.
Xo matter how he may hand out
A very close decision,
It's bound to raise on high a shout
Of lond and harsh derision.
Although he does the best he cav,
Some one Is always .willing
91o say of this berated man
That what he needs is killing.
Old cans and such around him crash
And language most annoying,
:ig bottles and a lot of trash
His peace of mind destroying.
The names they call him, I'm afrai0,
Would cause a public scandal
If other kir.ds of men were made
To use them for a handle.
Why doesn't he resign and get
A job that's much more humdrum?
That is a mystery, you bet,
Likewise a hard conundrum.
He s.ticks and takes the frenzied wit
Of those who would be funny.
rho only answeK that will fit
1B, He must need the money.
Just on the Quiet.
"Jones' wife is a great advocate of
"I understand he holds some views
)n that subject hiniself."
"Yes; what views he has he hods all
'Ight. He don't even dare let them out
Might Be Jealous.
"What Is the
na tter vith
rou are sore be
~ause you wecre i
"Has my train gone yet?"
"I guess not. One just pulled out,
but it belonged to the railroad com
Trying to Get the Effect,
"What Is Miss Bigdoilar so blue
"Because her name Isn't in the blue
In the Spring Act.
The billowy green
Of the orchard's sheen
is a dream of dear delight.
And the soft breeze blows ,.
The orcha.rd's snows
Far from our ken and sight.
And the garden rose
That the memory knows
In its freshness blooms anew,
And I feel the thrall
Of the past's soft call
Au I dream, sweetheart, of you.
* Did Their Best.
"Did you have a squally passage?'
"Well, there wvere thirteen babies on
the boat and y'ou can judge for your
Good Man In a Droight,
"You don't hear much of him, buitfie
Is. the power behind the throne."
"Sort of a reign maker, a. it were."
'We sell S-e .Remedie
usis Reliable We guar
Fa6tion with every pakal
When your doctor wrl
bring of send it to us. C
preparing medicines. A
practices; we use puresi
make our highest aim to
wishes. Our prices are r
Making TWO THOUI
CHOICE TENNESSEE I
)nd While it Lasts to 0
Best Patent $5.0C
Best half Pat. $4.
Best Meal 85c. b
Best Grits $1.75 S
Don't pay any more, don't be swit
ilong, save money and buy from us.
Our immense stock of spring goods
ies and fancy goods and staples, our
ng novelties in millinery. Come and
'ight thing in prices, style, quality, &
>ly cannot beat us, we dorIt make r
rou up on balance, people getting
Md looking out more fdr No. x. Cor
,orty years experience counts somet
lon't you forget it,
For the Nexi
AT $4.00 PE
S. S. Bir
FRANK R. HUNTE
We Link Co-Operati,
Buyer and SelHerjO
SAny Price.~ NEWBERR'
Buy, Sell or Excha
Our connection with the Nort]
enables us to handle land any wl
FRANK R. HUI
. 'What yOU bu
Entee Absolute atI
Ze sent out.
tes your prescription
)ur main busines I.
(e allow no .lip-shod
medicines only. We
carry out the doctor's
Newberry, S. C.
'AND Barrels of that
'LOUR Just Received
ched off by argument, come right
arriving embracing all the novel
Mrs. Moseley in the North select
see us, we are prepared to do the
:c., for an all round bill you sim
cut price on one thing and burn
educated and opening their eyes
ie and see us and be convinced.
hing, we will treat you right and
rYO S. C.
e Sellers Ae.n
1UUiI iiiC. Stocks and Bond.
. S. C. -. Bought and Sold.
nge Real Estate
~American Land Company
ndl uri 11115