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OIL STOVE,THE ONLY COAL AND WOOD
ABSOLUTELY SAFE COOKING STOVE
.Oil, STOVE IN THE WORLD.
account of my continued ill nealth, 1
have concluded, as M)on as practicable, to
retire from the dry jjoods trade, 1 now offer my
entire stock tor sate to any nieicbaut wishing
fto'ehgaUe in the business, nml will rrofn the
list dny'Ul July sell my goods FOR CASH, until
disposed of, which will enable me to offer to
the retail trade some special bargnins.
- All persons knowing themselves indebted to
jme will please call and settle at once, as lam
anxious to square my books. Respectfully,
VERY useful and excellent article now
elng Introduced in this city, is a
manufactured and sold by MR.M.J.BISCHOP.
It has been tried by very many of pur leading
citizeus, who are warm in their recommendations
ot its excellence. It can be used on
pianos, furniture of all kinds and fine vehicles.
Jt gives a very superior and lasting gloss.
The following who have used it arc referred to:
Hechinger Bros., A. Finch, State National
Bank, Central Hotel, D. R. Bullock, V. W.
Ball and E. Lambden. Flemlngsbuig. Ky.,
references: Fleming & Botts. C. N. Weedon,
Jiidjjo W. S. Botts, J. W. Hetlin, banker, H.
Cushman, II. H. Stitt, L. F. Bright, W. .-. Fant.
Poplar Plains leferences: Ben Plummer. Dr.
Hart, Airs. L. Logan, B. Samuels Rev.
Summers & Bro., La Rue & Son, Blue
The Following are Agents for M. J, BiscM
THOMPSON &MALTBY, Fern Leaf; HOWARD
& DINSMORB, Furniture Dealers. Carlisle,
Ky.; T. M. DORA, Germantown, Ky. : A.
K. MARSHAL &SON. Marshall Station. K- C.
R.R.; R. M. HARRISON, Helena Station: H.
W, WOOD, Washington, Ky.; A. O. WHITE,
Sardis, Ky.; THROCKMORTON, HOLMES &.
CO.. Mt. Olivet, Ky., J. J. WOOD, Drug Store,
PIANOS AND ORGANS.
PERSONS In need of a good 1'liiuo or Organ
will find it to their advantage to call on tho
undersigned, No. 34, Market street, agent lor
h. H. Baldwin & Co,, ol Cincinnati, Ohio,
where they will find nil the staudard makes,
such as Stelnway, Decker Bros., Haines Bros.,
Pianos, Estey and Shonluger at very reasonable
prices. septSdlm" F. F. GERBRICH.
FIRF INQIIBANPC Pfi iWP A WVi
. CAPITAL, 4,500,000.
AiHEO. W. ROGERS, agent, ofllce at Wheatly
& Co.'s, Market St., below Second. (JlSOin)
. THE LATEST SENSATION.
4000 Yards Lawn, choice styles and fast colors
at 5 cents, pe,r yard? .500 yards India Linen
, at 10 cents per yard. 240 pnirs regular made
" men's- half- iiose at 10 cents per pair. Other
, ., " BURGESS & NOLIN.
July 6,'-1882. v
II Wlt.WlM ! I W H f W III III. M"it I
Plumber, Gat antf Sffcam Fitter
'dealer 'ia' BtK Tuba, Hydrapt'FuMps. Iran
filnha Anntla'Bnr1'f!)istr Vol Vac.
Rubber Hose andBewerripe'All work war,,
ranted and done when promised. Second street
opposite White & Ort's. ap3
WITH EVEItY MODERN IMPROVEMENT
No, 48, Second Street, 8 doors West of Market.
T. B. Fulton.
FULTON & DAVIS,
OHIO VALLEY MILLS
Gam, Shorts and ShipstufT.
Flour for sale by all groceis in the city.
Headquarters for all kinds or Confectionery
Fruits, Canned Goods, etc.
Fresh Stock and Low Prices.
Come and see me if you want to save money.
"W . "T O ZE2C 3E3 S
3TJ. BALLENGERat Albert's China
Store adioiniug Pearce, Wallingfoid &
Co.'s Bank. apHGmd
F. L. TRAYSER,
Front St., 4 doors west of Hill SIoiihc
. Grand, Upright and Square, Pianos, also the
best make of Organs at lowest manufacturers'
prices; Tuning and Repairing. nl.7
.HAVE a full supply ol the best GUNPOWDER
I TEA in the market. Give me a trial
mytllyd GEO. H. HEISER.
M.-W.. COULTER has reopeued the
HILL HOUSE and is prepared to furnish
board by the day or week. Meals furnished to
transient customers at any hour during the
t ir f
' ' 1 :z T F ' " PT " 1 . t
r . i isj jr i . t a .
Jf J ;wi pei St., VTrijervM,
Fruits and Vecetablesin season. Your patronage
reepectfully Bollclted. jHdly
Facts of tlio Funeral.
got time I'd Jike to havo
you write a little sometnm about the
deceased," said the little man, quietly,
"something pretty mournful, if you
11 Who is dead ?" inquired the managing
editor, dipping his pen into the
ink pot. Friend of yours ?"
"Well, yes," replied the little man,
leaning over the table. "She was my
wife. Her wings sprouted yesterday,
and we turned her over this p. m. She
was a very superior article of remains,
and I thought I'd have you speak a good
word for her to the public, with something
about other papers copying it at
I' Where was the plant?" asked the
editor, scratching his head for appropriately
We Sit her out in Cypress Hill," replied
the mourner, wiping his eyes.
1 ' We had a ten-dollar discourse and a
forty-dollar funeral. You might speak
of the casket. That cost fifteen dollars
alone, and there must have been eight
or nine dollars' worth of flowers and
shrubs and one thing or another."
"I might say she was popular and
generally beloved by all who kuew her
in life, eh ?" suggested the editor.
" You bet! And that'll make her
mad. You idsrht sav she was the
" HEW TO THE IIHB, LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY."
1TOLUME 1. MAYSVILLE, THURSDAY EVENING, SEPTEMBER 7, 1882. NUMBER 247.
will not be undersold in
STOVES, TINWARE, MANTELS, GRATES, Etc.
OF THE "MONITOR"
, 4 V
spared to make it a gratifying success,
and you'll hit it about even. The neighbors
are all watching for the paper and
you'll make a little something out of tho
sales if you do the right thing. You
might say in to-day's paper that the notice
will appear to-morrow, .so as to advertise
it a little," and the prostrated
husband put on his hat and buttoned up
And the managing editor wrote a simple,
touching little tribute to the memory
of the woman whose qualifications
were buried under her funeral bills, and
the prostrated husband showed it around,
explaining that he couldn't imagine how
the paper got hold of the facts unless it
was that a reporter was present disguised
as one of " the friends of the remains."
This tropical bird very seldom wings
his way so far west as Wyoming. He
loves the sea breezes and humid atmosphere
of the Atlantic Ocean, and when
isolated in this mountain clime, pines for
his native home.
Tho codfish can not sing, but is prized
for Lis beautiful plumage and seductive
The codfish of commerce is devoid of
digestive apparatus and is more or less
handsomest woman in her police pre-,1 Codfish on toast is not as expensive as
cmct, and that there were four carnages I quail on toast.
choke lull. If you want a nice piece of
descriptive, you might add that I rode
on the hearse with the driver. "
A - V j -
lu aueciionate wite ana a lovma
mother !" hinted the editor.
"Well," coughed the little man, -"if
you've got plenty of time and room.
Perhaps you'd better pay more attention
to tho handles on the casket. I'll show
'em to you. Genuine plate ?" and he
drew them from his pocket. "Tho
screws 'were all silver-headed, but they
thought I'd better leave them."
"Was she prominent in any of the
charitable rackets ? Much in tho Sunday-school
business ?" asked the editor.
The codfish ball is made of the shattered
remains of the adult codfish mixed
with tho tropical Irish potato of commerce.
Tho codfish has a great wealth of glad,
unfettered smile. When he laughs at
anything he has that same wide waste of
mirth and back teeth that Mr. Talmadge
has. The Wyoming codfish is generally
dead. Death in most cases is the result
of exposure and loss of appetite. No
one can look at the codfish of commerce
and not shed a tear. Far from home
with his system filled with salt, while
his internal economy is gone, there is an
air ol sadness and homesickness and
"Yes some. She belonged to a gross briny hopelessness about him that no
or two of old women's homes, and a cou
ple o' dozen of children's temperance
societies, but that didn't cut much figure
at the funeral. You might speak of
the number present and say that several
friends of the remains were jammed
about a good deal trying to get a sight at
her. We showed her at the house and
at the grave, and though I say it myself,
I think the coffin-plate was generally
"Then she was a worthy, Christian
woman, charitable and kindly disposed,
and departed siucevely moiirned by a
large circle of friends."
" Oh, yes !" sighed the bereaved. "I
don't see any objection to that. You
might follow it up by remarking that
her prostrated husband gave her as good
a send oft' as any woman in that ward
ever had. The Loadstone comes to fifteen
dollars, and I lost ten to my brother-in-law
betting thatthe hearse could beat
the mourner's carriage to the first toll-gate
on the old road coming home. I'd
like to have it known that I did the fair
thing, though I don't care to iook like I
was blowing about the expense."
"Did she leave any children?"
"Yes, oh yes I she left 'em. They
went with her aa far as the grave. It
stood me in dollars to fit
them out with grief for the occasion.
But I don't bogrudge it When I spend
money I Calculate to get the worth of it,
and nobody ever hears me complain. .1
paid eighteen dollara for the clothes she
was shoveled under in,"
' ' Did she leave a"njr property ?"
, f A wupleofiouiand lotabnt you
needn't mention them. Just speak of it
as the social event of the season in
funeral circles in which no expense wa
one can see unmoved.
It is in our home life, however, that the
codfish makes himself felt and remembered.
When he enters our household,
we feel his presence, like
the perfume of wood violets or the seductive
odor of a dead mouse in the piano.
Friends may visit us and go away to
be forgotten with the advent of a new
face, but the cold, calm, silent corpse of
the codfish can not be forgotten. Its
chastened influence permeates the entire
ranch. It steals into the parlor like an
unbidden guest and flavors the costly
curtains and the high-priced lambrequins.
It enters the dark closet and dallies
lovingly with our swallow-tail coat.
It goes iuto your sleeping apartment and
makes its home in your glove box and
your handkerchief case.
That is why we say that it is a solemn
thing to take the life of a codfish. We
would not do it. We would pass himby
a thousand times, no matter how ferocious
he might be, rather than take his
life and have our once happy, home
haunted forever by his unholy presence.
Nye' 8 Boomerang,
Said George Eliot : "Childhood has
no forebodings ; but then it is soothed by
no memories of outlivod sorrow." You
see, George never had any children, and
didn't know, Where's the'bOy of 10 who
hasn't the memory of outliving the
.row caused by the old man's trjink
strap, when he put a wet sponge Jn the
up tho'oH man's leg? An'EasWthe
1 forebodings when hb thinks the old
man suspects him of putting iar on his