Newspaper Page Text
"THE I0!0T" Of! M, 0.
A Suppressed Chapter of "Coffee
and Repartee" by J. K. Bangs.
Glorious Timet Coming. When Each
Passenger Will Be Paid Fo- Riding
on the Street Cars Morris Chairs,
Desks and Carnegie Libraries tc Be
Provided The City to Pay the BUI.
"I sw," said tlio iiliot as lie folded up
the morn i nc aper mid sat on It o tiittt
his fellow hoarders in I Kb t not come
Into pose.s'ston. "that the municipal
marshmnllotv and peanut brittle plant
at llnhokus lias been sold to the candy
trust, and the dream of comparatively
free and absolutely pure
aiHl peanut ir'tl under .l5 control
of the city father has turned out
to be a mere bit of bankrupted Iridescence."
"It's all Iridescence the whole municipal
ownership scheme," said Mr.
"Brief, the lawyer. "It'a n bubble
even the soap."
"Oh. I don't think that," said the
Idiot "Seems to me It's a pretty good
scheme, only they ought to make It
comprehensive. What 1 want to sec
Is the day when the owns
evervthing that now fills the
9 kMk,MMW Ktnn ll
ZXCil FASSBNOKR WILT UK mOVIDKD WITIl
A MOIlHId CIIA1K.
nai wiui care, irom uie iwiuacue auu
nppeiuucitiB up to uie ironeys, inoaiurs
and theosophy. Dkl you ever think,
Or. Squills, of what a fine thing It
would be to operate on the body politic i
.or a ease of municipal appendicitis T
"I hnve never let my inlud dwell i
upon so fertile n field for thought -no."
eaid the doctor. "It would be rather
difficult, wouldn't lir
"I suppose it would." returned the
Idiot. "I suppose it would be next to
Impossible to etherize the whole elty
government before you began to grap
ple nrouud in Its insides after the of-
fending vermiform, but if it could be ntnbulary.
done wouldn't It be tine? Just think j "You know what happen if jou ask
of getting rid of all the useless and In I R lwllceman anything. He at once
flamed members of the body jKl!tlc as j touches his helmet In respectful
as man now sheds his personally ' tntlon. flicks the dust from the breast
conducted trouble with his Innards." of his blue coat and places himself en-
"Do you really believe that govern- tlrvly at your service. Anything you
well I Wl,,, ,( know he tells you with a
xneut could run the trolleys as as
they are ruu by individuals?" asked ' Peasant smile or with an expression
Mr Brief ' ' ''epl and ioli:nant regret Informs
that he Is not the In
m .i... .i -.1 iu,i .... .... you at tuonictit
li lcj i .uvj u """ h" "' .
of business." said the idiot. "I don't
6ee why they can't run street railways
as well as they run the street manicuring
department. And think how nice It
.would be how much envy, hatred
and malice would disappear If the
people owned the trolley! For Instance,
when you and I see Mr. J. Willleboy
Duckington hiking up the pike in his
"Ills what?" demanded the lawyer.
"Ills automotrouble." said the Idiot
"It's u machine ruu by gasoline that
breeds trouble of Its own power. Vhen
we see old Willleboy scooting along lu
his car you aud I turn pale pink with
envy Iwcause we haven't anything of
the kind to keep us awake nights and
befpre the police courts of all the counties
'twlxt Cattaraugus and
AVe're too poor to pay even for
that long aud tolerably consistent
scent that lies In the trail of It, and we
pnash our teeth to think that we never
can get our pictures In the Sunday
papers because we shall never own one I
of those mnchlnes. But If we as '
rens of this metropolis owned the
leys It would be different. When the
Green avenue anil (Jompers square car j
coes by we would look at Its brilliantly
lit electric Interior and smile with sat- i
lsfnctlon. 'That Is my new !
ton.' we'd say to our country cousins j
who were lsltlng us. Then we'd nod
politely to the chauffeur, and he'd stop
anu nine us anoaru. aim uy aim uy
the conductor would come through and
hand us all a nickel" '
"What lu thunder are yon talking
about? What on ourth would the
conductor hand you a nickel for?" demanded
"For riding ou the car. of course,"
na!d the- Idiot. "That's the schorae,
"Oh, Is It?" laughed the lawyer.
"Well, I guess that's the way some
people look at It. What Is your precise
Idea, of municipal ownership,
"Why," said the Idiot.- "as I understand
the propaganda of tho M. O.
people as axpounded on the editorial
pages of the sporting extras of the
New Yprk Evening Brisbane and the
Chicago Dally William Itandolph, mu
nlclpal ownership means" the grabbing
of everything In sight that has a cash
register and a meter attached to It.
Fending the original owners to Jail for
life and .managing what's left for the
benefit of the people. In tho case of
tiie trolleys nil the enormous profits
derived from the nefarlwus practice
now In operation of carrying a passenger
ninety r"s for a nickel are to be
f.!rn'l back to hoi pollol In the shape
of annual dividends with blue trading
Ktnmps with oery dollar's worth,
which on presentation at the office of
any ens company In the United States
will entitle the bearer to free pas for
the icst of his natural life.
"The expected improvements In the
public service will He along the
of can", an Increased urbanity on
the inrt of the inotonnen and
and a far greater regard for beauty
In all rapid transit matters. As 1
understand the situation as to the tlrst
Improvements, the cars are to be lamer
to begin with, letter Youttlated ami
without straps No ear will l s
small that anybody will ever have to
stand in or out of runli hours. Unch
pasoenger will Ih provided with n It or
rts ibalr on a swivel, with n writing
desk and an electric light attached, stationery
and typewriters to be had on
aplicatiuli to the At uoe
end of each car there will be a Carnegie
library and a reading room, with
all the tnaffaxlnes and weeklies on
file, ami at the other a buffet where
soft drinks will be dispensed by the
bct mixers the can drum
up. In the advertising panels that run
around the walls of the car. Instead of
the being mere!) frleaes of patent
medicine?, face Hiwders, breakfast
fowls ami corsets, elevating literature
will be printed by oeh autliors a,
Dicky DavU. Klla Wheeler Wilcox and
Henry .lames, with a college graduate
on the rear platform to explain the
INiragraphs of the last named author
to tlroae who do not understand reform
ed rhetoric Ladies t ill be escorted to
their seats by twlltwys, awl every ear
will hare a chaperon, aided by a
bouncer to ee that attractive
looking shoppers, dainty little whlows
aud others of the female persuasion are
able to travel a blck without being
ogled off the car by xugrum dnimniers
ami lads from the smoke regkms lately
come Into of their
tilers' hard, earned savings.
"All the inntonuen will be put
through a cuiuve of instruction In good
manners, so that when a lady on a
street corner holds up her nnger as a
slgi. that -he would like to get aboard.
uioie.id f cutting her dead, as many
of tbeni do at present, ami yolug abend
as though the com)Mtiy didn't wsnt
any paenKep. they will stop the car.
lift ... . tholr ... .. hatx -- . IILo ----- a iMUk a. of
fle,j,, KMther p htfr t,UiM,, ,.tt UOT
attention to the weather, expiw Ute
Itojie that her family are all enjoying
good health and to It that be sets
inaj,ie the ear without falling on her
fare fitting unexpectedly down In
the lap of an entire strnuger The
coiKimiors will ue similarly trained.
only they will be rather better educated
than the man on the front platform
I can think of no better way
to diow what the conductors will 1m;
than to say that they will roenble the
motlern jiollceman. that tine nower of
the municipal ownership of the con-
, ., ,
; IK)esson of the information you seek.
but will find out at the earliest
opportunity and Mid word by
special delivery, past If you will kindly
give him jour nddrc. All of you
who hnve had that cxjierlewe with n
policeman will know what to expect
from the municipal owner-hip conductor
The city fathers as represented
by their commissioner of trollejs
will take the same -are In the -election
of the men that they now take through
the jMillce eommlsslouur In the selection
of the preserver of the jieace. so
that we may easy as to the superior
morale of the force.
"Then, as for the roadbed, which Is
nowadays something of nn eyesore In
certain localities, the trolley commissioners
will seek the co-operation of
MANM3S LIKE A I UtTIlFIRLD.
the of parks. Henutlfnl
hedecs of Jnpanoso Jaioiilcn will conceal
tho tracks from public suze. At
each street corner will be flower beds.
In "which the number of the streetfls
set forth In srowlns plnnbJ. TrailluR
nrbutiib ami Vlrsluia creeper or
vines will cover the trolley poles,
and In time, when these hnte had a
cliauce to crow, the whole trolley line
will look like a bountiful tlorul and
creen arbor, nnd people living along
the line. Instead of looking out upon an
ugly highway of stool and Iron and
wire, ttill gaze upou whnt ajipcnrs to
be n f.t retch of Ktlen running through
their inldst. Now, what could be bet
"It seems perfectly lovoly," said Mr.
the Idiot's landlady, enthusiastically.
"Who's going to pay for all this'"
asked Mr. Ilrlef. "You people don't
seem to take the cost of these thing
"Vh: pays for the parks, the police,
the Are deportment?" ticked the Idiot.
"It will all come out of the pockets of
the city, of course. All the city has to
do Is to ostaulhdt a tirltitlnc
cMJibiishn.ent ami publish a few
bonds whenever the sinking fund gets
below the water line. Say they need
a hundred million to start vlth That
means only n hundred thousand Irands
of a r value of $1,000. Or they
might get em out lu smaller deimm
Inations of $100 each, so that the pea
pie could buy them and thus put a lot
of us In iososston of u certificate of
ownership. They'd look mighty pretty
framed aud hung on the wall The
best way to do. however, would tie to
send them over to Kuglaml and soil
em theie. for It Is an established fact
that there Is always somebody In
land somewhere that will buv anything."
That remains to be proved." snld
"Well, all I have to sny Is that If
you'll iay my expenses to London and
back, guarantee .mo Immunity from
prosecution and provide tnc with the
ccrtlflcuttu I'll have Boston Common
Incorporated at $1,000,000 tomorrow
and soil the whole Issue at -lit before
the tlrd day of next April." said the
Idiot. "I'll make the late O Whlttakcr
Wright look like ,W cents."
"That mav be. but thnv'd nroseeute
you Just the same. They landed
Wright and they landed Hooluy for
very much the smo sort of thing.
And after awhile they'd do the same
with tho city If It put lu privately
pnnieii lhmkis lor iiiiiiiiciphi owiiursmp
of the trolley on the market. " persisted
Mr. Brief "Can't you see that?"
-V..i " mmlA tlu lilln, -'lit, Iimo
it.-, ,x uir IIIIV1. 11,, ItfAlC
the blcet jiolut for tlio municipality I
In the whole lulnuss. You can't send !
a whole city to Jail, you know."
JOHN KKNDUICK BANOS.
LOSS S510,Q00 A WEEK.
Cost of Municipal Ownership to English
Wage Earners. ,
During the team 1901-O.' the rate .
I o( waf4es paid in Client Britain declined i
to such nn extern that at toe end of , , , . . , .
that irlol the workers were setting " iMt4t w w PMil
iT.10.tXKJ hmm a week than In UKMi. The girl in Iventnet j, but bU mind re-total
I lu age for the IV re years J to1twj mn?Mj i U ....o,.,.
compared with the wave swale of 1000 . , .7 .
.s n.n. thB kiooftxumfi Tb hwttd and be died mieerably in n
Uanieutury rejwrt from wnich these tig
ure are taken record a reaction dur
ing the Hrt half of lat year, but the
IncreaM' k i Kit a bagatelle coniMred
with the eoorninus loss recorded above.
As Knglaiid Is the conntry wbero rot- '
eminent and municipal ownership is j
most general, these neure how that
nuhlk owiicrhit ilos not ratao waced
... l-k unuuiM 1 ... I Kiif n lt li M anJ tf ,. lj t
.-. .,-Rc ,.ra
icw at i nc cxpunxe ot uie many
Thin trenifodouK nnliiction hi wage-?
Ih due lairctv to IhctIc1 taxation j
cuumi1 by the loiwe of the sovtrnnieiit
and munlciMl for lilRbor
taxes mean liiclier reutn and a Kunoral
Inereaoe In the cot of rrwlnctlon.
which must be offxet lu ouie way if
Bnslnuil Is to maintain her tmde in the
fnee of the worlds compctltloii. The j
easiest way to economize1 h to cut
whccs. ami so the wuc onruer has
had to pny for iniinlcial cxiriiHunts
both In lower waxen and hlghor routs.
Ulicn the waso earner Is to
vote for municipal oXMicrsJilp he should
bear in mind tlmt at the Mime time he
would vote for all that goes with ;
living expense and lowor
wa?i. perhaps no wages at all Who I
benefits? Tlio who j
politician get a '
new popular Issue, the politician s cloe i
friends who aro put on municipal Jobs
and the largo couMiuter who gets his
service for less than ovt. Where doos
the wngo earner come In? He pny
The I'liiiiiilclphia Public Lislger pro-diets
a general stmkcup In the wnter
ileimrtmctit as the result of n nvent
of the pumping stations. It
state that evidence of neglect ami
was found on every hnnd.
This Is not surprising lit view of the
fact thnt some of the "engineers" In
"barge of pumping stations were originally
nppolntsl as hearers and
jwe to political iniluence their promo
tlon to their present responsible
The ollicials admit that the con-
JItlon Is serious, as nanh of the inn
.rhlncry Is so won as to be incapiiblo
of performing; anything like Its full
Juty It Is nlso jidmitteil that much of
the material recohed for remlrs, etc. I
Is defective and not lu acconlance with
jpecillcations. 'i'hls condition has been
inown to members of the council for '
Unfair Distribution of Cost.
A special dlMMtch from Kirkwoo.l
Mo., to the Chicago Tribune states
thnt the munlclrial electric light plant
3f thnt city has proved a fiiilure. The 1
Generating plant will be shut down
aud electricity will be purchased from
private company at one third of what
It has cost tho city to make It. The
rlty will sell to Its customers at a
price high euotish to enable it to light
the streets without cost to the tax
payers. This Is typical of municipal
swnership Inequity to force the users
3f electricity to pay for all the street
lighting, although they are not benefited
any more than tho citizens who
nue gas or oil
Failure of Municipal Bakeries.
The failure of the municipal bakeries
at Catania, Italy. In reported by
Mr Churchill, the British consul nt
Palermo. There was a 53O.0OQ deficit
In the balance sheet, and the request
governing a loan of $80,000 wa re
fused by n royal commission. In
itHiueucc the Institution has been
losed. - United States Consular He - k
00 YOU WANT A HOME
and a chance to pay for it out
of your wages? If so I have
a nice, new, up-to-date six
room Cottaie situated in East
. " ...
MariOIl Oil East Bcllville ot.
w"" v" u address W. H. Clark .
'or O. E.Gill Marion Ky.,
AMONG OUR EXCHANGES
Dallas. News There are men who
do uolliing with both hands.
i wnv to loo faith in jnnr fellow man
is to take to endorsing notes lot jonr
Washington !ott Tnnre are now
nough different kindt of grip gtrat
at large to suit ea of nil fcinds.
Hnltiniore Sun: Tk Atlantic
City boardwalk is U be uWUnetl forij
loot, putliaps to aceowmodsle tnis
6apon' Master bats.
Kx change llnilroad trouble
everywhere. Ah Illinois wan loot
hia mind, hie hat, hit toiee una hi
j religion hurrahing for a train that
srae in on time.
Atchison Globe: 1'nere ia admit-
t6d Jnl a S'l T '?
niirltt, with a l: bmlt eaveciallr
for it in the parlor, snitw thing ukone
bond father would be afraid to fro on
Courier .Journal The ntoet betu
ilHl girl in Iowa and the novt been
a fun I one in Georma bate receutlv
y warrind. A man onoe attempt
"Regular as tho Sun"
oM kwisw re v. kh ih
' " om ..L.
' uwwie. !. .i u ik.
ihw of ih uf aaa win wmii rviaiaw wita
Pr hint Xw Lift mi (.uiniJ h !
Any little boy or girl under 1U
year of ape who will bring h ten
yearr iuiriitions to the 1'HBs.s aH(
j. , .. , , ... ,
one uew "' t will be
presented with a beautiful aijaariniH
aud a pair of gold fish, the value of
uhicN is 2,f0. This oiler i)i hold
good ten ilav only after litis week
clotiag Jannary 31at.
Nothing will fltv ISMilfuXloa ItMl w nui
tbotontb 4Iwimi K44 UicMt ! ou !
mm! allaw iha I rM rcasiai
new uau mtMm ll to i earrecir of ib huh
mi AchMkcr SeMhrj II Orn
von want nx daughter do
tiM the proprleior of the new).i
to llieyonng hmn who was n'
ner.Mii.ly ou tne edge f n ilim
"Hare rim snaken to her on the .u 1
She' willing, air. and refirre,
"Hut how do you knon yu
"How do 1 knew?" gn,.. d
young man. "I rfre yon m
lr. that I hacnt eaten a s.ii.u. . .
Ifi two months I(Hi Ih .
of the iiietl.in for thinking f li r
'irng iiixn. there's (Mime .! !
fli.'t i ill, think jou m.n .ouic m'o
the fnindr I a limn of nmt
nl.ll t o -mi .r to the . Irculiitioii of
nt ' Milwaukee '''itlnel
rirftni aut brwm r th ht r
l'rufot a iior'i ftiwt
tlerrr Tall to Ilfitrr Ont
Hair to tta VoulhTuI Color.
iurt ralp divftt M ha.r ft .cc.
tfr ollilt I)rucri
Tin - .ro rcrtnin varieties gf
tnui pi nits tthlch have a Sfngulnr pr
vfFloti ..f nntiirr fy.r perpctuntmff the i
fppc.fs The deration of summer in
those elentpi regions Is too short to
permit of tie ripening of seeds, nnd
the top bui fall off and take root as
would th- seeds.
Plenty of Conlldcncc.
Augustus Thomas, tho woll known i
playwright, was talking about first i
nights, ind the hoartremling
"On tn.t own first nights." he said.
"' am n pitiable object utterly with- I
out hone, convinced In advance thnt
my jilny 1 bound to reault In u failure.
"At uch tlma I often wish I had
the that possessed
tiihrW Jteade. Up, nftw he had
his novol of 'Never Too I,nte
td'MVnd.' wroto on the margin of a
...J., ,, , .
- - . f " ' . m nnip acre,
the passage has not been properly
v,. n. rr a I've wire
coniuitmK stiinr part
UxJy vmiIi the brain. They arc
o numerous that if ytu pene
tratc the Ain with niini u
a ncollc von wiM toticli a ncryc
and receive a shock pain it is
called. Aches and pains come
; train or injury
from a pressure,
to a nerve ; the more prominent
Uie nerve the greater the
pain. When th pnin comes
from a larce nene it is called
whether it be the facial nerves,
or the heart, stomach, scjatic
or other prominent nerve
branch. To atop pain, then,
vou must relieve the strain or
pressure uott the nerves.
Dr. Miles' Anti-Pain Tills do
th's- . rnud toy
I .unrl intena pain.
aeumlal. I dwiTt n "" r"'';
Anil Pln l"ll Tfcy M " "ori
u4 Thry full lo m m'
.,; w u nt r
or mm' Antl-Pala "nil re totsl Uy
vJ2?WMHt. wh will tht
tall, he v'M iira rf "y . ..
Miles Medical Co., Elkhart, Ind
lilfW SoIoiiiom'h Var.
In rafhedral of Oct
a vae of alna baa beeu if
aerrM f..r It Is cot rr..n i
tingle eniwald lu plinctal die met. r
hi 124 In.-he. awl lis belxttt '
It la ett under eereral 1. k
tne key a of which are In different
knnda. and It la ramty ejhlUii :..
public then only by nn order of '
cMMt. When exhibited It la anM
round the of a nrleat by a 'oni
tm& no one la allowed to Men it t(
htm. It la claimed Uwt tbU
mm of the rift which was !'
amannon by tne Queen of Rirl
Jonnitin Miller, the "poet of the
ms,-' railed on the prrsldeat and tiii
te fnterrat him Hi a I'Un for a freat
world' fair for V .lilii1.o in l!UI.
His Stood the lest 25 Years.
The old .initial rot-
Chill Tonic ou Vow Mbal u
are ukmg It i iron and tnimne
in a tatle form. .No core .No pt i
I'tin MrlsiiHd Ih Met I),
lion strong l the tnnuence of the
btimtnd In MIHIt la shown in rrcent
pmreerilnRx at the raltaniaeft aesiaee.
vrberr four of the baml nf the nolori
oca Chief lallla Moloiir were to b
tried. The turjweti ane w1tnee. In
steed of nppenrlnr M'"t a joiat pvtl
tlon to the- roun. prajInK to be
" 1"" a thr h lefts In who
ha alrradr aaanlnatlon to
atmwer for. reiu.iuit uacaturrd.
LAXATIVE COUGH SYRUP
For all C- . 1 -i Tb R
ipi. re - i i). CTtf lllo. I
lem by sen r i ji'i Kl ndlhi
bowels A e - - r UVcry Um
lUet for c ,, s ' CB ntrj
whooprs c . nVvJT (. UUu'
marly a I c
cou;h cu-fl a-
const i pall g
fpci&. y tv
contain' f ' a'r
Keri Vi i Aa .
Mory i Ta r
the !( i 'a. s
no Gi a't
Trt4r t IrsWrrrCI
ririnTTnLii,n (r p
C O. D.WITT A. CO., OHIUAPC. s.. 8.
For sale by .1. H. Onne
i9;. 15 Ti; u 3 --4 r M
ni xrn.hm 9?fr? BMjJf B
nwsr . -V l
' 1'r JP- K .
JiME .1 'I jnV? ii"i
flJw...... 1 H i jruj.
Tftmm m &CR1NE
De'orf Y J Pi " (
THE NEW HOME SEWINQ MACHINE COMPANY
Many Sawinjf V, . , , ,. s
lass of qua ity hit! V u Ixi 4 r 4it
tc wear Our g n I, , r ru oA
We mako Sew f'r.c t. sun t cotxMions
oflholart. Tho . Iloinc , , Uattho
hoad ol all II lirli.urmle family sawing tiitchirao
Olll ll.t IIUIlMirUl It I-IT flltlj ,
ton - t, r. nv
Nunn & Tucker.
I'ilet ol iwonle ha Pilaa. Why vullor froi
piles wkuR yon ean nae UeWin a Caitiellie l
Wllrh Hrrl Salve unci (el hrf Si.ld I II
Kevil & Co
IIAVK KHTAIIUHIIK . v
Tire Insurance Ajjciicy in
If yon hnvo propcrt) ,
Marion, lot t hum inmn.
diall havo no roasoiiM to
Ofliao in Prows lluldin.
C W toiLtnw
WILSON & LAINDRAM
Will Practice in all M t ,
al Coiirtn of hint
Omo. CloplOII Buildup
Or. M. Ravdln,
I'raotiee Limited ! o
and Defects of the
Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat,
Sniu 10 and 17
Huilding. (!l. 1
iVANSVILI,K, ,S ,,
Joi . Ciiauimon T W i
hampion & Champion,
Will nractiee in all n
.he Com moo weo Ilk. t
Uea given to ,
FreM Ituildmg, neeond "
W. H. CLARK,
Sneeul attention Kivrn
Will practice in all t f
SUU and in the Umtr.l
Office in l're i
Pbnne Jo: k s
J. B. KEVIL,
Abstracting a Spccidlt)
Office in l'rfi lluil.im,
Marios Kr r
IVletz Sl Sedbcrry.
Hot Itaths. Sh.trp K.i
TohcIs, ("kkmI .it
I'!lei tri u
In The Hoti-I Critt. n.l
1.IIII Sloe k '
Don t fall to send for lat'-' j
lnguo No 7
Jas. Clark Jr. & Co.
813 W Main Ft. Loumv N
N'u paiii.boul v '
Cancer Sanitarium, Harr s' . '
Orclway Bros. &. Guess
Livery, Sale and FeedStable
Ni.nii Mam St. Marion, K
The patronage of the
Public is solicited
Chamberlains Cough Reir
t pofei i boMl.tirUIn rt 'ib''
aayotUei tor our chltdrm' ii '
WowlUiiy of TwIhIuk. Mlflh.. Jt '
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