Newspaper Page Text
"THE IDIOfOS M, 0.
A Suppressed Chapter of "Coffee
and Repartee" by J. K. Bangs.
Glorious Times Coming. When Each
Passenger Will Be Paid For Riding
on the Street Cars Morris Chairs.
Desks and Carnegie Libraries tc Be
Provided The City to Pay the Bill.
"I mv." a il till' hliiit us hi folded up
the niorniiiu paper ami :it mi it s( that
his fellow hoarders might not com
Into possession, "tliat t!n nmnir,ni:
nmrsumnllow ami peanut iirittic plant
itt llohoktis tn't'ii volil to the candy
trust, ami the dream of comparathely
free ami ulisolittelj pure
nml poiiniit brittle under the control
of the city fathers has turned out
to lie a more Mt of bankrupted Iridescence."
"It's all whole municipal
ownership Miitl Mr.
ltrlef, the lawyer. "It's a bubble without
oven the soap."
"Oh. 1 iloa't think that." said the
Jdiot. "Soonis to mo it' a pivtty good
only they ought to make It
comprehensive. rlint I want to see
is the tlay when the immU'ipallty owns
vverjtli'ng that now fills the
t.mifim wts lt"l
ZKCU I si v,i i. V II ' III UoVIM D W 1TH
Moi.i is i HAIL.
unl with .ii''' M'Hii tin- tooili.ulie ami
npiKiulii'iti up 1. 1 the trolley, theaters
nud theosophy. Iid you ever think.
Ilr. Siil!ls, of what a tine thins it
would he to operate on the body politic
for a of munielpal appendicitis?"
"I have never let my mind dwell
upon so fertile a tield for thought no."
Bald the "It would be rather
ditlieult. wouldn't It':"
"1 suppose it would." returned the
ldiut. "I suppose it would be ne.t to
Impossible to etherize the whole city
government before joii begun to grapple
around in Us iusides after the offending
vermiform, but If it could be
done wouldn't it be tine? Just think
of petting rid of all the useless and In
members of the body politic a
easily as man now sheds his personally
conducted trouble with his innards."
"Do you really believe that government
could run the trolleys as well as
they aie run b individuals;" asked
"If they thej'd better go out
of business," said the Idiot. "I don't
tee why they can't run street railways
bs well as they run the street manicuring
department. And think how nice It
would be how much eny. hatred
and malice would disappear if the
people owned the trolley! Tor instance,
when you and 1 see Mr. .1 Wilhoboy
Puckitigtnn hiking up the pike in lm
"His whin':" demanded the lawyer.
"UN auioiiiotroiible." said the Idiot.
"It's a machine run by gasoline that
breeds trouble of its own power. When
we see old Wlllloboy scooting along In
his car you ami I turn pale pink with
envy because we haven't anything of
the kind to Keep us awake nights and
befoie the police courts of all the counties
'twlxt Cattaraugus and
We're too poor to pay even for
that loiu' and tolerably consistent
PCent that lies in the trail of it. and we
pnnsh our teeth P think that we never
can get our pictures In the Sunday
papers becaue we shall never own one.
of those machines. I'.ut if we as
of this metropolis owned the trolleys
it would be different. When the
Green avenue and lumper. ipiare car
goes by we would look at Us brilliantly
lit electric interior and smile with satisfaction.
'That is my new Wilmington.'
we'd say to our counlry cousin
who were us. Then we'd nod
politely to the chauffeur, and he'd stop
nml take Us aboard, and by and by
the conductor would come through and
hand u all a nickel"
"What In thunder are you talking i
nboutV What on earth would the
conductor hand you a nickel for?" do- (
rnanded the lawyer. '
"For riding on the car. of course,"
hald the Idiot. "That's the scheme,
"Oh. I It?" laughed the lawyer.
"Well, I Kiiess that's the way some
people look at It. What is your precise
idea of municipal ownership, anyhow?"
"Why." said the Idiot, "as I understand
the propaganda of the M. 0.
people as expounded on the editorial
pages of the sporting extras of the
Now York Evening Brisbane and the
Chicago Pally William Randolph, mo
nlcipal ownership means' the grabbing
of every thins In stulit that has a cash
resistor and a meter attached to It.
Fondlug the original owners to jail for
life and tnnnnglng what's loft for the
hcnellt of the people. In the case of
tin" trolleys all the enormous profits
derived from the nefarious practice
now In operation of carrying a
ninety p's for a nickel nre to ba
t".ni"l back to hoi pollol In the shape
of annual dividends with blue trading
s 'nip with exerj dollar's worth,
winch on presentation at the otllce or
air. sas company In the I'nited State
w.il entitle the bonier to free gas for
the ici of Ins natural life.
"liic cNpivti'd improvements in the
public service will lie ahum the
of cars, an IiicicummI urbanity on
the part of the motormeu and conductors
and a far greater regard for beauty
in all rapid transit matters. As I
understand the situation as to the llrst
Improvement, the car are to be larger
to begin with, belter ventilated and
without trnps. No car will be so
small that nnvhoily will eer bae to
stand in or out of rush hoiiis. Kaeh
passenger will be it o Ulcil with a Mor
rls chair on a wivcl, with a writ ins
desk and an electric light attached, sta
tlonen and typewriters to lie hud on
illiplicalloii to tne oinllictor. At one
cud ot each car there will be a i'ar
ucsie llbraiy ami a readlns room, with '
all tlio magazines and weeklies on I
tile, mid at the other a bullet where
soft drink. will lie dispensed b the ,
bct micrs the politicians can drum
up. In the advertising panels that run
.".round the wall of the car. Instead of
the!' bcins n.cielj friezes of patent
medicines, face powders, breakfast
foods and corits. elevatius literature
will be printed b. m h authors a.
Picky Davis. Klla Wheeler Wilcox ami
Henry .lame, with a eolloso
' on the real (l.i 1 1 ofin to explain me
! parasr.iph ot lat named author
i to those w ho do not understand reform
j ed rhetoric Ladies will be escorted to
j their seats by b llboy. and every car
will hae a aided by a
potent bouncer to see that attractive
i looking hop;.or. dainty little widow
1 and other o ihe rcmaleperuasiou are
able to travel a block without bolus
..sled off the cur by vasroin drummer
and lad from the moke regions lately
come into of their fathers'
hard earned aius.
"All the liiotoiiuen will be put
through it coure of instruction hi sood
m. inner. o that when a lady on a
street coiner holds up her nnser as a
isu that he would like to set alioard. !
iiisie.id of cutting her dead, as many
ot them do at present, and soius ahead
a thoush the companv didn't waut
.inv passenger. the will top the car,
lifi their hat like a pack f Chester-Held",
satlier lip her bundles, call her i
attention to the wathor. express the
, hope that her family are all oii.io.ving I
soihI health and oe to It that he sol
inside the car without fa Hi us on her !
fa r sittins unexpectedly down In i
the lap of an outlie transcr The
conductor will be imllarly trained,
only they will be rather bolter educated ,
than the man on the trout platform
I can think of no better way I
to how what the conductor will be
than to say that they will reemble the
modern policeman, that lino llovver of
the municipal ownership of the constabulary.
"You know what happeus if von ak i
a policeman au.v thins, lie at once
touches his helmet in respectful salutation,
ilieks the dut from the breat
of hi blue coat and places hluielf entirely
at your service. Anythlns you
want to know he tolls you with a
pleasant mile nr with an expression
of deep and poisnant rnsrot liitoruis
you that he N not at the moment in
possession of the information .von seek.
but will timl out at the earliest possible
opportunity and ond word by
special delivery. pit If von will kindly
plve him voiir address. .11 of you
who have had that experience with a
poliioman will know what to expect
from the municipal ownership con-dm
tor The city fathers as represent
ed by their commissioner 0f tmllevs
will take the same care In the selection
of the men that they now take tlirousli
the police commissioner In the selection
of the preserver of the peace, so
that we may rot easy as ro the superior
morale of the force.
"Then, as for the roadbed, which Is
nowadays sotuethins of an eyesore In
certain localities, the trolley couimls
sloners will s,.ek the co-operation of
s wr .;
MA.V.VUIIS LIKE A I IIKVrEIIFIFXn.
the coiniuUsioiiei' ot parks. Heautlful i
ln'dces of Japanese Japoulea will con
ceal the track from pulilic gaze. At
each street corner will he llovver beiN,
lu which the number of the streot'l.s
set forth In growl lis plants-. Trailing
arluitiis ami Virginia creeper or
vines will cover the trolley poles,
and In time, when these have hail a
chance to grow, the whole trolley lino
will look like a bountiful lloral and
green arbor, and people living along
the line. Instead of looking out upon an
ugly highway of steel and Iron and
wire, will g.ize upon what appears to
be a .stretch of Kden running through
their midst. .Vow, what could bo bet
"It .seems perfectly lovely," said .Mrs.
the Idiots landlady, enthusiastically.
"Wlio's going to pny for all tills V"
asked Mr. Hrlef. "You people don't
seem to take the cost of these thing
"Win pays for the parks, the police,
the lire department':" aked the Idiot.
"It will all come out of the pockets of
llic il. oi .in uic cii.1 nil lu
do I to establish a municipal printlns
establish!., cut and publish a few
bond whenever the sinking, fund pets
below the water line. Say they need
a hundred million to t.ut with. That
moan only a hundred thousand bonds ,
of a par value of $1.1)00. Or they '
rnishl sot "em out In smaller denom I
inntloiis of Sioo each, so that the j
pie could buy them and thus put a lot
of lis In possession of a certificate of I
ownership. They'd look mighty '
ty framed and huns on the wall. The i
best vva.v to do. however, would be to
semi them over to l.nslaud and sell
'em iheie. for It Is an established fact ;
that there N always somebody in
somewhere that will buy
"That t cumins to be proved," said
"Well all I have to ;iv is that If
you'll pay my expenses to London and i
back, guarantee , me immunity from '
proecution and provide me with the
certificates I'll have Boston Common I
Incorporated at jSl.OOrt.OoO tomorrow I
.....i ...ii i... .. 1...1.. i...... .. e
.11111 ,.i mi- ttiiuir lIIV tit III ,
the ilrt day of next April." said (i,e
idiot. "I'll make the late C Whittaker
Wrisht look like .".o cents."
"That may be. but thev'd prosecute ;
you Just the same. They landed
Wright and the.v lauded llooley for
very much the same sort of thins.
And after awhile they'd do the same
with the city If It put Its privately i
printed bonds for municipal ownership 1
of the trolley on the market." persisted
Mr. ltrief. Can't you see that?"
"Yes." said the Idiot. "I'.ut that'
the bissost point for the municipality
in the whole business. You can't send
a whole city to jail, you know."
JOHN Ki:.lUK'K BANCS.
LOSS S510.C00 A WEEK.
Cost of Municipal Ownership to English
Hurins the .veais the rate
of wase paid in lirem Britain declined
to uch nn extent that at the end of
that potiod the worker weio setting
S.MO.iiio le a week than in l'.inii. The
total It in vvaso for the rtve .v ears
compared with the wnse calo of P.k)
wa more than !immmni.(iim The par-
litiiiieiitarv report Iroiu which ihcse
lire are taken record a reaction
Ins the !iil half of lat jear. but the
increase is hut a bagatelle compared
with the ciiormou loss lccorilcd above.
As ICiislaud is ilieooitutry where
erumont and municipal ownership Is
11101 seueral. those llsuics liow that
public ovvnerhip doe not raie wascs '
In general, but raise tin wages of the
few at the expense ot the many.
This tremendous reduction in wages
Is due larselv to Increased taxation
caused by the lo.sos of the government
and municipal Indiisuics, for higher
taxes moan higher routs ami a general
increase in the cot of pioductiou.
which inut I Ifset In some way If
England is to maintain her trade in the
face of the world s competition. The
easiest way to economize Is to cut
wages, and so the wage earner has
had to pay for municipal experiments
both In lower wages and higher rents.
When the wage earner Is asked to
vote for municipal oxv iier.hlp he should
bear in niiiid that at the same time he
would vote for all that goes with It-higher
living expense and lower
wase. perhap no wages at all. Who
bonetlts? The politician who gets a
now popular sue, the politician' close
friends who are put on municipal Job
and the large oonuuier who gets his
service for les than cost. Whore does
the wage earner come In? Mo pays
The Philadelphia Public Ledger pre
.lids a general shnkcup in the water
ilep.irtment as the result of a recent Inspection
of the pumping stations, it
state thai evidence of neglect and
wtis found on every hand.
Thi I not surprising in view of the
fact that some of the "engineers" in I
barge of pumping stiitious were originally I
appointed .is coal heavers and I
awe to political Intlueuce their promotion
to their present responsible I
The olliclals admit that the
Is serious, as much of the
is so worn as to be incapable
sf performing anything like Its full
luty It Is also admitted that much of
the materia! received for repairs, etc..
is defective and not in accordance with
specifications. This condition has been
itiown to members of the council for
Unfair Distribution of Cost.
A .special dispatch Irom Kirk wood
'Mo., to the Chicago Tribune .states
that the municipal electrie light plant
that city has proved a failure. The
generating plant will be shut down,
and electricitv will be purchased from
private company at one-third of what
has cost the city to make It. The
"Ity will sell to Its customers at a
mice high enough to enable It to light
the streets without cost to the taxpayers.
This Is typical of municipal
ownership Inequity to force the users
electricity to pay for all the street
lighting, although they are not benefited
any more than the citizens who
use gas or oil.
Failure of Municipal Bakeries.
The failure of the municipal bakeries
at Catania, Italy, is reported by
Mr. Churchill, the P.rltlsh consul at
Palermo. There was a ?:!0,OOQ delicit
tho balance sheet, and the request
governing a loan of $80,000 was re to
fused by a royal commission. In con
sequence tlio institution has been
closed. United States Consular Re-ort.. .
DO YOU WANT A HOME
and a chance to pay for it out
of your WUCS? If so I have
a nice, new, up-to-date six
room cottage situated in East
Marion on East Bellville St.
call on or address W. H. Clark
or O. E.Gill Marion Ky.,
AMONG OUR EXCHANGES
Dallas Xovvs Thcie are men who
do nothing with both hand.
'way to lose i'aith in juur fellow man
i to take to endorsing note fo.r your
Washington l'ot I'll ore are now
nouirli (litTorent kind of grip germs
m largo to : uit cae oi' all kinds.
Haltiniorc Sun: The Atlantic
"v boardwalk is to lo widened lorty
Icct, jierhap to accoinniodatc this
ieaoif Ka-ter hats.
K.xchangc Itailroad trouhle
everywhere. An Illinois man lo.t
his mind, his hat, his voice mid his
religion hurrahing tor a train that
came in on time.
Atchison Globe: There i admitted
into a great many home. every
night, with a tire built especially
lor it in the parlor, some thing whoo
bond father would be afraid to go on
gill in Iowa tiiid the
one in Gcoigia have recently
been married. A man once attempt
ed to decide who wa the prcttict
girl in Kentucky, but hi mind revolved
o rapidly that it became overheated
and he died micrally in a
"Regular as the Sun"
i- an rpn ssioii a. olil a- tin rai i Nn dmilit tin
lisiiik anil of tilt nn is tin must
pit let maiii'i in iIh iinivi in-. iiulr it i the ac
lion of tilt) livii ami bovvtls ulirn rekiil.tltil nitli
Ir kiim Ni Lift- 1 t I Ts- ( . n.u.initt , h I II
llrill) 1 I 1 1 U Ik' i t ir
Any little hoy or girl under 1-li
year of age who will bring us ten
yearly iii'criptinn to the 1'ltK and
one new subscriber in the lot will bo
)reciiteil with a beautiful a milium
and a pair of gold lish. thevalucof
which is .,:)0, Thi oiler will hold
good ten days only after thi week
cloiiig .January olst.
.Noilmik. will irlievc intlicstioii that i nut .1
tlioimiuh Kodol ilicisis uli.u on
ami .illuns tin- Mom.icii to
Miotic anain It is a corttctiwi. of
est i thiieno Solil b I. II. Ollllu.
"o von want my daughter, do voir
said the proprietor of the nowp."i
to the .voting man who was lit.
on the edge of a ch.nr
"Yrs. dr." ;
"Have rou spoken to her on the ub i
"She's willing, sir. ami rcfericd m i
ro von." i
"I'.ut how do you know you love I
"I low do I know?" gasped t''e
young man. "I give you my wort I
sir, that I haven't cuicii a iii.-ii i
hi Ivvo month' nml sleep I almost oil (
of the oiicstlon for thinking of her." ,
'"Young man, there's some t.ve to
tils' t talk. ! think you m.i.v come Into
the tainily. I need a man of your i
nbilltv to swear to the circulation of
my paper" -Milwaukee '""itlnel
CInr.r ai.il !uW'ii'i the ht!r.
l'rumote & luxur.int growth. I
Hevcr Falls to Hcstore Gray
.Italr to its Youthrul Color.
lUiei icalp di.fiin li hair tilling.
There aro certain varieties 0?
plants which hti;t .TVfnciuInr provision I
of nature fa", perpetuating their
species. The deration of summer lu
those elevated.- regions is too short to
permit of Hi,,, ripening of seeds, and
the top biirs f.,! off tm(1 take root as
would thp. uneds.
J Plenty of Confidence.
Augustus Tiiomns, the well known
playwright, was talking about first
nights, m the heartrending anxiety
"On iy own first nights," lie said,
am 1 tililable object, utterly with
out liofto, convinced In advance that
my phi I- is bound to result In a failure.
"M iuch titoe.i! I often wKh I had
the s,f.t.oni(T.pnco tlint possessed
CjjaiiJs Ueaile. lie, after ho had dramatized!
ids novel of 'Never Too I.ate
MVfnd.' wrote on the margin of a
"'Iijthe audience falls to weep here,
Ilassage lias not been properly
V.vcry nerve is a live wire
connecting some part of the
body w ith the brain. They arc
.so numerous that if you penetrate
the skin with the point of
a needle you will touch a nerve
and receive a shock pain it is
called. Aches and pains conic
from a pressure, t train or injury
to a nerve ; the more prominent
the nerve the greater the
pain. When the pain comes
from a larcrc nerve it is called
whether it be the facial nerves,
or the heart, stomach, scjatic
or other prominent nerve
branch. To stop pain, then,
you must relieve the strain or
pressure upon the nerves.
Dr. Miles' Anti-Pain Tills do
"I suffered intense pain, caused by
neuralgia. I doctored and used various
nii'dlclnos without sotting relief
until 1 l'OKtin taking Or. Miles
1'ilK They did me rnoro
Rood than all tlio medicines I ever
us. d. Thev nexer fall to euro my
Itead.uiu s. nml their use. never leaves
'.i.-7 W Ith St . i:rle Pa.
Dr. Miles' Pills are sold by
your driiaa'' who will nnarantee that
the first package will benefit. If It
falls, he w'll return your money.
25 doses. 25 cents. Never sold In bulk.
Miles Medical Co., Elkhart, Ind
Kins Solomon's Vast?.
In the iincet cathedral of Genoa
a vase of value has been
fur f.Ki years. It Is cut from a
single emerald. Its principal (Hnineti r
is l'JXj liidie. ami its height .Vi
Inches. It i kept under several lock,
the ke.v of w lilch are In tlliTorert
hands. :ind It Is r.irelr exhllilted '.u
pulilic. then only liy an order of
temite. When evhlliltcHl It is suspciiderl
round the neck of a prlot by a com.
and no one I allowed to touch It but
him. It Is claimed that this vase t
one of the gifi which was made to
Solomon by the Queen of Sheba.
.Toaiiuin Miller, the "poet of the
i ni. called on tin president and tried
to Iiiici est lilni in a plan for n great
world' fair for Wellington in 101-1.
Has Stood the lest 25 Years.
The old orign.il (trove Tatle
Chill Tonic. Von know what you
'are taking. It i trcii and quinine
in a tatle form. No cure No pay
The Brigand in Sicily.
How trong Is the intlueuce of the
brigand In Sicily Is hown In recent
proceedings at the Caltanlsett assizes,
wheie four of the hand of the notorious
I'lilef Pallia Molone were to be
tried. The .iurjinen and witnesses, Instead
of appearlnp. sent a joint petition
to the. conn, praying to be excused
so long as the chieftain, who
has alieady a dozen assassinations to
answer for, remains uncajturcL
LAXATIVE COUGH SYRUP
Fcr all Couchs and assists In ) The Ro4
expelling Colds from the system Clover Blo$-in
by cently movlnc the torn and tht
Doweis. a certain
relief tor croup and TwfT is on every
Nearly all ether
coucn cures ara
containircOoiates? w XsimMnliyiirr
Honey & Tar moves
the bowels, contains
no Opiates. W7 f
PREPARED AT THE LiBORATOHV or
E. O. DeWITT & CO., CHICACO, U. 8.
For sale by J, H. Orme
?,uv TV l
Pi & -
fJL'",r,s3i h: -s.
Before Vou Purchiso Any Other Write
THE NEW HOME SEWING MACHINE COMPANY
Many Scwlnc Machines ar made to sell
ot quality but tin V' tloinc" Is rr.ada
to wear. Our cuarar.ty never runs out.
We make Sew Kr.c.i iei ts suit a 1 conditions
of thqfade. The "Acvv iJoini''
head of ail Sjirc niwChir.es
otil t.i aulliorl'i il li:tlirsoiily,
FO'l I. ". )V
Nunn & Tucker.
Piles of havn Piles. Why sutler from
piles vvliun uu can use UeWitl's Caibolize 1
Witch Hacl Salve ami set relief. Sold 1 J, II.
Kevil & Co.
IIAVK ESTAHMSHKD A
fire Insurance Agency in
If you have property in the towu of
Marion, let them insure it. You
diall have no reasons to regret it.
Office in Press Huldiiif,', Room fi
C. W. WlLMIS life V I NtllMb
WILSON & LANDRAM
Will Practice in all State and Koder
al Courts of Kentucky
On ciopton Building
Hotli Phones Southland Ky
Or. M. Ravdin,
Practice Limited to Disease
and Defects of the
Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat
Suits It! and 17, Arcade
Building. f!lase. Fitted.
VANS VILLK, INDIANA
Job 1J. Champion T. W. Ciiamimok
if? j hampion & Champion,
Will practice in all the courts ot
he Commonwealth. Spmi.il atten
lion given to colkctiui Otllce in
t'ress Building, second Hour, l!omu l
! ijpccial attention given to collection-.
Will practice in all the court of th.'
j State and in the I'nited State cour
Office in Pre Building, ltoom 7
Phone 201 Makion. Ivf
J. B. KEVIL,
Abstracting a Specialty
Office in Pre Building, Hootu 3
Mctz &, Scdbcrry.
Hot Haths, Sharp Razors, Clear
Towels, Good Workmen.
In The Hotel Crittenden 1 Slock
Large Stock ot Klecuic
Llclit. Street Kail war
and Telephone Supplies
Constantly on Hand
Don't fiM to send for latest Catalogue
Jas. Clark Jr. & Co.
313 W. Main St. Louisville, Ky.
No knife.no pain, book iree. Addreria
Cancer Sanitarium, Hqrrisburg.lll.
Will T. Hicklin
Orduay Bros. & Guess
Livery, Sale and Feed ;Stable
Nnrtii Main St. Marion, Ky.
The patronage of the
Public is solicited '
i : i , '
Chamberlains Cough- Remedy a
V riruft'i C'liaiiiliurlain 4 Cough Keiucdy to
any other for 0111 children,1 rili Mr. I.. I.
Woodbury of Twiniuir. Mich,.. ';i las also done
ihu work foi us lu hard colds and cioue, and we
lake ideasuie in ri'couunendiiii: it." I'oi tale lr