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MR. JONATHAN AND MRS. PUERTO RICO UNION A Farce in One Act. Ruiparfcfally Dedicated, Without Permi*. Bio?, to ?ho Benator? tsd Bepresenta tt?w ?* Oar ZTatJoaal Congress Who Vo*c4 tat the Anno*?tton af the XSlanfi af TVMTio Rico bbA then Formulated aad ra*sert a Tariff B1U to Faraljin Her ladustrle? and Reduce Her Once Inda prndtut Fopulatiou to Ilopeless, Help leil raupen. >. The following; wo take from the I June number of Nowltzky's Monthly, always clever and original, for Col? onel Nowltzky wields a caustic pen: Mrs. Puerto Rlcan Union?"I ask ypu on your word of honor, Jonathan, If you did not continually repeat words which gave nie every reason to believe that if I would become one of your wives, you horrid, cruel man, that you would give the same rights as the other members of your family?" Mr. Jonathan Union?"Every word of that Is true, my dear, but you should realize that It Is not my wish for you to occupy u subordinate posi? tion; it is the desire, in fact earnest request, of the other members of my family, who evidently believe that equal rights would deprive them of some pin money." Mrs. Puerto Rlcan Union?"But you dld,nt' Bay all that when you told me that your arms of hospitality were Wide enough and open enough for a dozen little mites like me, you big, good-for-nothing old polygamlst." Mr. J. Union?"Donf fear nor scold, my little darling, you will be taken care of. I will make you an allowance sufficient to keep you In bread, and as to water you can have as much of that as you desire. Besides I will give you a bright new calico gown every yeftr and 1 will make a back yard of Che land we Inherited from your peo? ple and let you live m it." Mrs. Puerto Rico Union?"But I don't want to live on charily. I am not used to charity. I have always had plenty. Here's that fright of a girl Hawaii, whose ancestors were cannibals. You have taken her to your bosom while I, lh whose veins run the proudest blood of old Castile, you want to make a drudge and recipient of charity. U,sim ply wont 'stand It. Think of the many promises you made me when you ask? ed me to become a member of your family.' Mr. Jonathan Union?"I have not forgotten my promises, my dear, but cannot act upon them. You see every? thing Is fair In love and war. and our courtship was a combination of the two, and 'the sooner you realize that 1 am bows the better, or the next thing you will know you will find out by feeling, for I will give you a genteel thrashing that you will remember for? ever." Mrs. Puerto Rico Union?"That's the way with you, you horrid brute. You take advantage of me because I Am small. How 1 would Mke to be as big as you. It would be the pleasure of my life to give you the thrashing you deserve. I don't blame Miss Philippine for trying to scratch your eyes out, and Miss Cuba for not wanting .to have Anything to do with you. By pictur? ing what a good husband you would make you got me to cast my lot with you and now that you have me, how do you treat me? I thought I had a hard time with my step-father, Mr. Spain, but anyway he treated me as If 1 were somebody. I have a great mind to write and ask him to take me back." Mr. Jonathan Union?"Mrs. Puerto Rico Union, I w.ant you to understand that I have heard enough. As to that atep-father of yours, old Spain, If he interferes in any of my family affairs I'll lick him again. For this reason, to quote a celebrated, expression from a French president of a court martial, Hhe incident Is closed.' " [The curtain descends amid a con? fusion of music, part of the orchestra playing "Yankee Doodle," the other the "Puerto Rico Dead March."] TWO KINDS OF"RUyiNE"SR~MENr In conversation with one of the keen? est of business men and critics the other day the affairs of a certain wide? ly known and very extensive plate making company were mentioned. "That concern." said the critic, "Is a case of one-man power. The head of it Is so thoroughly imbued with the Idea that every transaction must come under his personal observation, and be passed upon by himself, that he Is not only working himself to death, but it actually interferes with the efficiency of everybody under him. There are two classes of men who have made conspicuous success?one is the believ? er In this one-man power business and the. other is the practical organizer. The latter knows good men when he sees them; he thoroughly organizes every department of his business and places a man over each who knows how. to run it. and then he lets him run It, holding him accountable for results only. If the head of such a eoncern leaves business for a month he Isn't haunted with the Idea that It will go to eternal smash before he re? turns. The other man believes In as? suming all responsibility, and so far as he can In doing all the work. I have seen, many of them doing work which they could hire a $15-a-week man to do equally as vjsll, and the business conducted by these men depends so largely upon their actual and contin? ued.-personal supervision that the loss of' It for only a brief time means dis? organization nnd possible collapse. Bankers are beginning to realize that the man with a faculty for organiza? tion, and who builds up a business that can be conducted In his absence and not be disrupted at his death, is the safest man to loan money to. They are beginning to inquire more than ever whether the business on which they are expected to risk their capital is one that will stop when one man censes to turn the crank." Virginia Beach. Special excursion tickets again on sale. Good for round trip, meal, and bath, only $1, at Atlantic Hotel. Good an all trains. Ask ticket agent for this ticket. Eyes Examined Free. Dr. A. Week manager of the optical department of the Gals Jewelry Com? pany, will examine your eyes free. De? fective vision and complicated cases specially Invited to call. iet?-tf U NEED A BATH AT OCEAN VIEW. WONDERFUL! ISN'T THIS CHEAP ! NEVER SAW SUCH BARGAINS ! THESE ARE A FEW OF THE MANY REMARKS THAT ECHO THROUGH OUR STORE WHILE THIS GREAT SALE OF MEN'S, BOYS*, CHILDREN'S CLOTHING AND GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS IS IN FULL BLAST. THESE GOODS THAT WERE DAMAGED BY WATER! SOILED BY SMOKE! BY THE BURNING of the building adjoining and directly over our store, our stock of Men's. Boys', Children's Clothing and Gents9 Fur? nishing Goods has been damaged by water and slightly soiled by smo e. The insurance companies have settled and now within 17 DAYS the entire stock must be sold regardless of cost or value. While many of these garments are soiled, the damage on the greater part is so slight save tor a stain here or there, or a slight pressing on some will make them as good as new. Each and every garment is marked with the sale price in plain figures so extremely low that no one can resist buying in advance of their present wants. No words can convey to you the magnitude of these offerings. It is merely an opportunity that comes to you through an accident, the like of which may never happen again. These are the conditions and terms of the sale: Every garment marked in plain figures and strictly one price to ail. No misrepresenta lion. No goods exchanged. No goods sent on approval. Ten extra salesmen have been employed so that your wants will be properly ca ered to. A few prices that will give you an idea of the magnitude of the sale /Men's Men's Men's Men's Men's Men's Men's Men's Aden's Men's Aden's Men's Men's Men's Men's A\en's Alen's Men's Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at 98c.,. $1.2? 1.48 1.97 2.24 2.50 3.00 3.48 4.00 4.24 4.50 5.00 5.2? 5-50 6.00 7.00 7.SO 8.50 worth worth worth worth worth woi th worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth $4.00 5.00 5.50 6.00 6.25 6.50 7.00 7.50 7.75 8.00 8.50 9.00 9.50 10.00 11.00 15.00 16.50 18.00 Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Boys' Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at Suits at 25c. 48c. 98c. $1.24 1.48 1.62 1.7? 1.98 2.24 2.48 2.75 2.98 3.00 3.25 3.48 3.62 3.75 4.00 worth $1.25 A\en's Pants at 25c. worth I.50 Men's Pants at 48c. worth 2.25 I Men's Pants at 98c. worth 2.50 Men's Pants at $124 worth 2.75 Men's Pants at 1.48 worth 3.00: Men's Pants at 1.98 worth 3.25 ! Men's Pants at 2.24 worth 3.50 j Men's Pants at 2.48 worth 3.75 Men's Pants at 2.75 worth 4.00 Men's Mackintosh Coats $1 worth 4.25{A\en's Hats at 98c. worth 4.50! Men's Hats at $1.24 worth 5.50 Men's Collars at 5c. worth 6.00 j Men's Hall Hose at 4c. worth 6.75 ! Men's Underwear at 23c. worth 7.00: Men's Underwear at 39c. worth 8.00| Men's Shirts at 32c worth 9.00 i Men's Neckwear at 19c. 98 worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth worth OLD PHONE 1307. 219 MAIN STREET, NORFOLK, VA. TOPICS OF THE DAY from a WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW BY MARIE ALICE PHILLIPS. The movement against trailing skirts has gained ground so rapidly at home and abroad that woman of moderate moans actually trembles to have any? thing expensive made to touch the ground, for fear she will not be allow? ed to wear it but a few hours. We will all?to a woman?no doubt admit that there has never been a time when we hadn't common sense enough to know thai U'Ullliij;?skit is?were -un? healthy, uncomfortable, und, therefore, unreasonable, but they are pretty and graceful, and there was always the chance that the woman who passed up the street ahead of us gathered up all the available microbes and baccilli; It looked that way to one walking behind. Of course, it was a risk, but we took it, conscious of the fact of looking our very Tiest. However, we may as well look at things sensibly, and pocket vanity, for the reformation is upon us. Some "sweeping and impressive evi? dence of the sanitary perils of this garment has been contributed by a European physician, Dr. Philip C'asa grandi, of Home. This original expo? nent of the theory and practice of medicine sent into the streets a num? ber of ladies wearing trailing skirts, with instructions to walk about for an hour, tls the anti-spit law enforced in Rome'.') These women brought back on the hems of their skirts enough filth to furnish Dr. Casagrandl and the whole brotherhood of the profession subject matter with which to subdue woman for all future years. So, of course, beauty and grace are no longer considered? it is your 'ealth, ladies. The short skirt has come to stay, and the shop-keeper will have to fall in line and vote for the draped palonaise, or bring back big sleeves to make up the difference in dress patterns. ?)::(? The world Is not yet ready to receive women as politicians or as reformers, except, perhaps, in the matter of their own dressing, but it Is, and always has been, ever ready to award her the badge of courage in time of need. Miss Helen Townsend, a Cincinnati belle, but permanently settled now In Paris among the American residents, is the heroine of the hour. Through her splendid courage and physicnl vigor, she not only saved herself from drown? ing during a dramatic sailboat acci? dent on the Seine, but she saved her . little nephew and her fiance as well. The crowds on the banks who witness? ed the rescue cheered themselves hoarse. The Mayor of Rouen showed his admiration by sending the munici? pal band to serenade her at the hotel. ?>::< Pat Sheedy. the noted gambler and millionaire, is "doing" the Exposition, and some of the visitors thereto... He is not as accustomed to the society of "lovely woman" as he to that of mon? eyed man. His compliment to Mrs. Howard Gould, who was frank enough to admit her enjoyment of his pecu liar humor, was extremely naive. "I'm all right for a chance acquaintance," he said, "but I would never do to In? troduce among your friends of the 400; so let us exchange names, but good by and God bless you, for you look like a sweet little lady." If Mrs. Gould needed further assurance of Pat Shee dy's hearty good will and honest admi? ral ion, she had It in his refusing to play cards that nlnht with her hus? band. Pat knew that this stripling had vary little chance against such a vet? eran of the game as himself, so with a paternal pat on the shoulder he told Mr. Gould as he valued his credit, never to tempt him by suggesting; cards again. For be it said Sheedy's luck is almost as phenomenal as Colo? nel Barbers, nnd if his victims cannot afford Carlshad, they generally have to go to some plnee to recuperate. ?)::(? The Frenchman has just learned that the American business man Is a minute man?neither too soon nor too late?to keep an appointment. This hns its disadvantages in a foroiK.i country. "When Commissioner Peck, putting on his white gloves and fol? lowed by his staff, appeared at the I'nlted States National Building last Thursday, exactly on the minute, to receive President Eoubet and his fol? lowing, he was rather chagrined to learn that the ceremonies were over and the visitors departed for the Aus trnn building, where everything had been in readiness for their reception an hour. Ambassador Porter arrived in time to throw himself in the breach, but it cannot be denied that Loubet resented the apparent indifference of the United States Commission, and this feeling chilled the atmosphere to an uncomfortable degree. -)::< The Khedive of Egypt must regard Queen Victoria In somewhat the same light thrown upon Tzi An's character. The Khedive became ill almost as soon as he arrived in England. He came under pressure, and the warning he received through French advisers against trusting himself to the hos? pitality of "pertlde Albion" so impress? ed itstdf upon his ?weak suspicious mind that nothing could convince him now that his illness was not brought about through English agencies. -)::(? Rivalry still exists among the Chi? cago faction at the Exposition. Not an offensive open war, but an amiable and harmless struggle between nota? bly charming women to outshine each other. -)::( Mrs. I.angtry has gotten Lillian Xordica Into trouble with the English. She told the Prince's of Wales about Nordica's refusing to sing at her chari? ty entertainment in New York for the benefit of the English war fund. Nor dlca went further than this?she show? ed her oft-expre'ssed sympathy with the Boers-by giving her talent to their cause later on. When she appears, as she means to do soon before an English audience, she will think the hag stum bled into the inner circle of the Ice Trust. ->::( It took foreigners some little time to accommodate theselves to the Idea of a United States Commissioner to the Paris Exposition from Cuba, but since he has been officially recognized ,all of the commissioners from different parts of the country are showing him marked attention, and Jose Do Silva is beginning to think that Paris is a '?wide-awake" city. The dally pa? rades, committee meetings, dinners, charity bazaars, theatre parties and other crushes, leave only a few dark hours for vain regrets and indigestion, j The Boer war took the stage from the Filipinos long ago. The Boers have in turn been side-tracked by the Chinese. The "Boxers'" now have the stage and some authorities say that the Chinese are great In every sens of the word except the fighting sense, it Is nhe nge of the "strenuous life" and they are not in It. Ccrtnlnly._Uie_y_ are not showing their proverbial wis? dom in trying their "porcelain bowl" against our earthen dish. It were bet? ter for China to take to her heart the lesson contained In another one of her ancient saws?"Disease may be cured, but not destiny." -)::(? Good manners are forgotten for the time being and as a topic of conversa? tion the weather is served up in six? teen different styles at every chance meeting. Rain, rain, rain, for 28 days, with a solemn promise of more to come. The farmer paces the floor and wonders if there will be even enough fruit left for home consumption. Frank L. Slnnton, the Georgia poet, who can sing in wet weather as woli as when the sun is shining hot on the water melon patch, expresses the pa? thetic condition of affairs thus: Lord, we've been a prayln' for rain For to flood the valley an' drown the plain; We knowed you'd send It when you seen fit. But we got In a hurry and prayed for it! En it jest come down On the hill and town. Till we've all got ready, good Lord, to drown! Lord, forgive us if we complain; We thought we was 'plnted to run the rain; But we've 'bout decided, from spring to fnll We don't know nuthtn', good Lord, at all! We sing an' sigh To the clouds on high! "What we wuz needln', good Lord, wuz dry!" A PROGRESSIVE AGE. Next year we may expect to read something like the following In the dally paper: About 10 o'clock this morning a horseless milk wagon, load? ed with cowless milk, collided with a brainless rider on a chainless wheel. The luckless wheelman was badly In? jured, and being homeless, was taken In a. horseless cab to the home for the friendless. A Single Fact, is worth a shipload of argument." Every cure by Hood's Sarsaparllla is a fact proving Its merit, and the thousands and thousands of cures recorded certainly should convince you that Hood's will oure you. Indigestion, nuwea ?re a\wa-*>y Hood's SarsapartUa, INDIANS STARVING. Six Thousand Perishing on Giia Reservation for Lack of Water. We .Have an India Famine of Our Own Money Voted by CongrcKs for ltellef is Held l'p Our Trusty Allies Ignored Whilo Fierce Apaches I.lve In Plenty. "Indians Starving to Death" is the heading of a Phoenix special to the Chi? cago Tribune, the text of which Is as follows: "Six thousand Indians are starving to death on tlto Glla Reserva? tion," nrrmdinf tit W M, McC.ownn. sil pcrlntendent of the Indian industrial School of Phoenix. His statement paints a most deplorable picture of con? ditions existing among tribes that have never been contaminated by white blood. Superintendent McGowan said he found twenty helpless adults) in one miserable shack, thai would, under or? dinary circumstances, scarcely accom? modate thnee persons. Congress has appropriated J30.OOO, but no method of distributing the money was stipulated, hence .It is tied up, while the wards of the government are starving to death." This statement of the pitiable condi? tion of the friendly ami inuusiiious Pirna? is old news to western readers, and the case Is one of the most sharmr ful and outrageous 'instances of neglect and betrayal on the part of the Unlied States of an ally, worthy and true. WEALTH TO POVERTY. That 6.000 Pirna Indians, always the consistent and active friends of the white man, should be reduced from a condition of wealth and great prosperi? ty >to actual starvation through the neg? lect of the Federal Government, while the adjacent Apaches, always the> white man's foes and causing more trouble, pillage and loss of life than any West? ern tribe, should be to-day sleek and wiell-fed at the hands of tho sarnie Gov? ernment, seems a rewarding of enemies and killing of friends. For hundreds of years the Pirnas lived in plenty, irrigating their Heids from the waters of tlv; Glla until the white man came and diverted its waters onto other areas. At the time of the Gadsden Purchase Lieutenant Mlchler. of the Boundary Commission, said of these Indians In his official report, dated way back in 1856: "Besides being great warriors they arts good husbandmen and farmers, and work laboriously in the Held. They are owners of line horses and mules, fat oxen and milch cows, pigs and poultry, and ar,e a wealthy class of Indians. The Pirnas consider themselves regular de? scendants of the Aztecs. As we jour? neyed along the valley we found lands fenced and irrigat.^d and rich fields of wheat ripening for the. harvest?a view differing from anything we had seen since leaving the Atlantic States. They grow cotton, sugar, peas, wheat and corn>" "As I sat upon a rock." continues Lieutenant Miehlen "admiring the scene, an old gray-headed Pirna took pleasure in pointing out the extent of their domain. They were anxious to know If their rights and titles to their lands would be respected by our Gov? ernment, upon learning that their coun try had become part of the United States." The old man's anxiety was but too ?well founded, and could he contrast now the wealth and prosperity of his tribe before the westward sweep of civilization, with its present destitu? tion and decay, no would have cause to rise In vengeance and demand that this great government adopt a course of common decency. STORAGE OF WATER. There are many people in the East? ern Stattrs who have cried out against the Injustice meted out to the poor In? dian. Their sympathy usually has been misplaced and wasted upon a savage, treacherous and relentless foe of the white man. Rut hero now is a worthy| cause?none worthier over lived; toj right a wrong; to give to a good people; that of which they have been wrong-] fully despoiled through the criminal carelessness of the government. Andj the solution of the problem is so easy,| so simple. The waters of the Gila are ample?to?supply?the needs of?the starving Pirnas and many others, only they largely run to waste during flood times. The government reports and surveys show that the building of a great dam ou the Gila would store up enough water to Irrigate thousands of acres of as fertile land as the sun shines upon. Cannot some of our friends who have anon professed such Interest in the Door red man come to his assistance now and see that he may be acocrded sim? ple Justice? The cause is worthy; the means are at hand; the interest alone is lacking. THE OLDEST LIVING EX-SENA? TOR. (Boston Herald.) The venerable James W. Bradbury? g of Maine, has now scored his ninety- i eighth birthday, which is a remarkable old age, even for the oldest living ex I Senator of the United States. The i hope Is expressed that he may live j to round the century mark. He has j been in a very feeble state of health I for some time past, and his life has been despaired of several times of late. [ It is scarcely to be wondered at that the infirmities of old age havo laid & ! heavy hand on a contemporary of Longfellow and Hawthorne at Bow I doin College and of Webster and Clay and Calhoun in the United States Sen? ate. GIRLHOOD, WOMANHOOD AND MOTHERHOOD Are Renovated, Regulated and Restored 1>y the Pelvic Catarrh Remedy Pe-ru-na. Mrs. F. C. Everly. Mrs. E. C. Everly, 506 Diamond Street, Philadelphia, Pa., aay?: "I feel well, never felt bettor; thanks for your at? tention and Pe-ru-n*. I will be glad to [ do all I can iu the way of advancing the aale of your valuable medicine* I do think Pe-ru-na the best medicine I have tried at any time. Since I began taking Po-ru-na we have never been without it." Bead what an elderly woman says?a Woman who has passed through all the phases, crises and experiences of girl? hood, womanhood and motherhood:"I really believe that every woman in the world onght to have Pe-rn-na en hand ?dl the time; for, if she gets tired, Pe-ru* oa refreshes her; if she gets nervous, it ftOOthes her; if despondent, it chaera and in rigor atas. It is a SMMM f or all irregularities of her monthly periods. It is a constant friend to the expectant mother; a nover-failing stand-by to the nursing mother, both for herself and for her child, and finally when the change of life comes on, no medicine on earth is of equal efficacy to the woman in this critical period. Sorely Pe-rn-n* la the ? woman's friend." That catarrh has any relation to bar* renness in women is surprising; to many.' It is one of the mysteries of catarrh. - This insidious disease penetrates to every organ of the body. Mrs. L. M. Orlflhh,of Cambridge,Nob., says; "Yew medicine did _^^tom?^ am thirty yeara never borne any jBi^Ml v tea-pound baby girl. She la now six months old. ae? weighs twenty-fire pounds. My friend a were all surprised. Sorna would not beliove it until they came to see me, My husband aays hs never saw such a . change in anyone as there was in me after I had taken three or four bottles of Pa.ru-na. I am stronger than I havs been since I was quite young. God bless you and your medictn* forever." Address Dr. Hartman, Columbus, G, far free catarrh tools.