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1U vhVj J3U klington free piuts: Thursday, august i, km. -!tz. Washington, .luly 23. A prnrticnl question which is nskod in most houses, mill for many yours, Is here asked liy Dr. Talmago anil nnswereil; text, Proverbs xxv, 0, "Discover not a scctot to ntioth rr ' It appears that in Solomon's time, ns in nil Mi!io(iient periods uf the world, there were people too mm h disponed lo tell nil they know. It v.ns l.lnh, blab, blab, physicians revealing tlie ease t their patient--, lawyers i vpu-inc the pri vate affairs of their client, neighbor-, ad vertising the fault" of the m t door resi dent, pretemhd friends betraying eouti deix cs. One-half of the trouMe of every com min.i'v eniiies from the t.it thnt so ninny pei'plo line not 'npiu ity to keep their nil i lis 1r.it W lii'ii I heir -miic thing di t. t h out . ianin: of yu. my InM dntv N' nut ".I "H. Ii .t II 1 till "U whit ome . Ii s'l i I ii'.' i i.-t j mi nnd flu ti go i , 1 tell M"i'.."l i'K,. wh.it 1 I. 1.1 y in, iitel tliej 1 ("id them 1 1 1 mt sonn' t" li s 'i . .mil ol I liil'l get the 't mi 1 tell "tin rs v li.it t 1 Li "ii, nnd vv ' ; II go i)i it' "i igimtr i- i 'lie i limit it d v ii. we li i i ' 1 1 1 1 m 1 1 r j i t ; t nl itur nhui t what i 'i iliu il" 'i ml what ' n 1 1 id rut I", iiie! fen' "ill h" ns mir nl- l.i .i i as tlmi i Ii a hand "f Mm1 - had mm I t Up"ll a I" Ipli village. ' have tv eais, lmt only ti lutigno, m ibl- j. 1 Miggctmn tli.it vv c uiiglii In hear II s '1 drill mure tlun we till. I,ct us Ji'iii n (iiiivpirno liiii V" will ti'll eaeh ot'n ull the i-' 1 an. I 1 1 1 1 , 1 1 1 ol the ill, i' 1 tlun tin, will i"! be such awful Hue of senn.'tis "u S ii'inim's words, "Di '.let- not ii vM-rit tn another." H '' ii. i on liui! a m v '. I'.'c domestic cirri- In Ids en lier 'In' - l c hud very eoti fi s( 1 ii'itions nli"ii' i' "iioL'amy nnd po 1,''' iy. and liis n.ii I' i: inlinon.s nw lutes in ' niattltivmn. Mute kept him too v i infoiiiied ns t" what was going on 'i J nwloin. '1 Ii' gatluied nji all the p . and p tliem into hi" ear, a'li li - faiui'v I" 'imr a soi-oh- m' fe ll i ili'iitiiif idy of 700, disi-nvvinij dav ii ftii dn nil Inn difficulties between li tsl ii. ds and wives, hot wren einl"vers i ctupli'j i i-i, between rulers iind sub jrr s, imt' Solomon, in my tmt. de ph ' 'B iii'uinlity about affairs tint do not In I p " i.s nnd extols thu virtue of 6e Ctf'i ei ''s. 1 ti . power of a secret divulged fam II . lii.rches, neighborhoods, nntions, P .ip.irt. By the power of a secret kept fire:!' charities socialities, reformatory muvvmcnts and Christian enterprises may be advanced. Men nre gregarious c ttl-' in herds, tieli in schools, birds in thicks, men in Focial circles. Voe may ly the disehnrge of a gun scatter a tlock of quails or by the plunge of the anchor (end apart the denizens of thu tea, but they will cither themselves together again. If you by some new power could break the associations in which men now stand, tley would again adhere, (lod meant It si. lie hah dithered all thu flowers and shrubs into associations. You iraj plur.t one forgetmonot or heart-ease nlcot, owaj off upon the hillside, but it v li soon bunt up some other fornetme not or lc arthease. I'lants love company. Yen wil' lied them talkimj to encli other in tl ' cii w. OiitlirnncliIiiKN of S miinthy. Yju ii (times see a man with no out bruicl, nun of sympathy. His nature is "'d .ii I hind, like a ship's itniet ice jliizi 1, wh.ili the lnn.st ftt; ile s: ilor could never ehmb. Others bae a thousand ro"M and a thousand bi anchi s. Innii mera te tendrils ulimb their hearts and bin 10m all the way up. and the fowls of hen n in in the branches. Jn conse rjl. L e of tLls tendency we tind men conuoj; together in tribes, in ciiminuni tic t in cl -ii dies, in societies. Some until cr together to cultivato the arts, sonu' to fdan for the welfare of the Etntc, some to discuss religious themes, some to kindle their mirth, some to advance their craft. So ecry nctive community is divided lute associations of artists, of merchants, of bookbinders, of carpenters, of masons, of pnst' rcrs, of shipwrights, of plumb ers Ijo on cry out agninst it? 'J'h n yen cry mit nKiiinst a tendency divinely iieplniiti d. Your tirades would accom plish nc mure than If you should pleach to a bus ant bill u lung sermon against Focret societies. Hen wc l'.iid the oft discussed question wnether nssoemtions tliat do their wotk with closed dii'irs and admit their ment hols bv pit-swords ami greet each other v t' i ii ret grip are right or wrong. 1 iirswii that it depends entirely on the in ' t l the object for which tboy meet, 1' t . pint tho hours in revelry, was h I, I- s,heniy nnd obscene tall, or to pi .r tti i Me to tho state or to debauch ti e u.i, cut, then I suy, with nn empha ns tout m. mau can mistake. No! Hut is t. ibicvt the defi iiMj of the rights of ur v lass against oppression, the im provement of tho mind, the enlargement of the l.enrt. the udwineement of art, tho ihfense of tho government, tho extirpa tion, of crime or the kindling of a punt hea 'ted sociality, then 1 snj, with just ai much emphasis, Yes. Thfre i no need that wo who plan for tho ini)nrst fit right over wrong should pn'ilish to all the world our Intentions. The, (.-ineral of an finny never sends to tho opposing troops information of tho c mlm; attack. Shall we who have mi listed in the cause of God ami humanity expose our plan to the enemy? No, u will 'n sofiet pint the ruin of all the en terprises of sal uu and his cohoits. When they expect us by day, wo will fall upon them by night. While they aro strength ening their left whiK we will fall on their right. Hy n plan of battle formed in se cret conclave, we will come suddenly upon them crying, "The sword of the Loid and of Gideon." Secrecy of plot and execu tion is wrong only when tho object and ends are nefariouH. Kvery family Is n secret society, every businesn in m ami ovury hanking and Insurance institution, Those men who have no capacity to keep n secret are unfit for positions of trust anywhere. There aro thousands of men whoso vital need Is cultuiing a capacity to keep a Eocret. Men talk too much, ami women, too. There is a tlmo to keep si Iciii'ft ns well ns u tlmo to speak. Although not belonging to any of the (?!' i .it me!! rncro hi!K been o mm h iuh tit ili-cii-sinii, I have onlj words of pi also for those asso ciations ulileh have for their object (lie liiaiii'ennnce of light against wrong or the lecliimntion of Inebrintoi. or, like the wore of in 1 1 1 1 1 a 1 beuelit societies called by different names, that piovlde temporal y iclief for widows and orphans and for men Incapacitated by "ickucss Iir aPcl dent from finning a livelihood. Had it not bei ii 'or the iccn t labor orgimlza tlotis In tins country monopoly wi aid lonK ago have, under Its ponderous wheels, ground I lie hiboting da sis n in uu in' iler.ible irvititi. The men who want tho whole eaith to themsilves Ufiyld-huyo got it beore thlff'liai 'it not been for the banding togolher of (treat secret organizations, and while we de plore many things that have been dono by them, their existence Is n necessity nnd their legitlmnle sphere distinctly pointed out by the providence of (lod. Such organizations are trying to dismiss from their association all membeis who nre m favor of anarchy and social clinos. They will gradually cease anything like tyranny over their member nnd w ill for bid violent interfereiicu with any man's work, whether lie belongs to their union or is outside of It, nnd will declare their dljgttst with any such rule ns that passed in Ilnglatid by the Manchester Hi flay ers' association, which says any man found tunning or working beyond n regu lar speed shall be fined 1! shillings nnd sixpence for the first offense, shillings! for the second, 10 shillings for the thliil and If still persisting shall be dealt with as the coiumlltee think pioper. There aie secret societies In our col leges that have letters of the CSreek al phabet for their nomenclature, and their luembei" nre at the very front in scholar ship nr.d Irreproachable In murals, while. there aie othets the scene of carousal, nnd they gamble, and they dtink, and they giiniuiite knowing n hundred times mine about sin than they do of geometry and Sophocles. In other word-', secret societies, like individuals, an- good or had, are the menus of moral health or of temporal and eternal damnation. All good people recognize the vice "f slander ing an individual, but many do not see the sin of slandering nn organization. There nre old secret societies in this and oilier countries, pome of them centuries old. Which hnvo been widely denounced us humoral and damaging in theii iiillu etice, yet I have hundieds of personal f I lends who belong to thorn friends who arc consecrated to (lod, pillars in the ehuieh. faithful In ull relations of life, cMiuiples of virtue and piety. They nro the kind of friends whom 1 would hnvo for my executors at the time of leccnse, and they nre the men whom 1 would have carry me out to the last slei p when 1 nm dend. You cannot make mi bclievo that they would belong to had institu tions. They me the men wh" would stump on anything iniquitous, nnd I would certninly rather tnko tin ir testi mony in regard to such societies than the testimony of those who, having been sworn in ns members, by their assault upon them confess themselves perjurors. One of these seciet societies gave for tho relief of the sick in IS"!!, in this country, lfl,-l!Kl,V!7 I Somo of these so cieties hnvo poured n very heaven of sunshine und benediction into the homo of suffering-. Several of them nro found ed on lidelity to pood citizenship nnd the Hiblc 1 have him taken one of their degrees. They might give me the grip a thousand times nnd I would not recog nize it. I nin ignorant of their pass words, and 1 must judge entirely from the outside. Hut t'ln i-t has given us n rule by which Me ma judge not only all individuals, but all societies, secret and open. "Hy their fruits ye shall know them." Had societies make bad men. Good societies make good men. A bad man will not stay in a good society. A good man will not stay in a bad society. Then try nil secret societies by two or three rules. Influence on Home Life. Test the first: Their iulluence on home, If you have a home. That wife soon loses her iulluence over her husband who nervously and foolishly looks upon all evening absence ns an assault on domes ticity. How arc the great enterprises of reform and art and literature nnd benefi cence and public weal to be carried on It eiery ninu is to have his world bounded on one side by his front doorstep and on the other side by his back window, know ing nothing higher than his own attic or louer than his own cellar? That wife who becomes Jealous of her husband's at- . tentlou to art or literature or religion or charity Is breaking her own scepter of 1 conjugal pnwer. I know an instnnce i where a wife thought that her husband , was giving too many nights to Christian i m. nice, to charitable service, to prayer i meetings and to religious convocation, j She systematically decoyed him away 1 until now lie attends no church, waits upon no charitable institution nnd is on a rafml way to destruction, his morals gone, his money gone and, I leur, bis soul gone. Let any Christian wife rejoice when her husband consecrates uvenings to tho s 'l'vnv of humanity and of God or any thing elevating, but let no mnn sacrifice home life to secret society life, ns many do. 1 can ppint out to you a great many names of men who are guilty of this sac rilege. They are as genial ns nugels at the society room nnd as ugly as sin at , home. They aro generous on all subjects of wine suppers, yachts and fast horses, but they are btingy about the wives' dresses nnd the children's shoes. That man has made thnt which might bo a healthful inlluencp a usurpor of hi3 affec tions, and he has married it, and ho is guilty of moral bigamy. Under this proc ess the wife, whatever her features, be comes uninteresting and homely. He be comes critical of her, docs not liko the dress, does not like the way slio arranges her hair, is amazed that he ever was so uuVomantic as to offer her band and heart. There aro secret societies wheru membership always involves domestic shipwreck. Tell me that a mnn has join ed a certain kind and tell mc nothing inure about him for ten years, and 1 will writo Ids history if be bo still alive. Tho man Is n wine guzzler, his wife broken hearted or pfematuiely old, his fortuno gone nnd his homo a mero tiamo in tho directory. Here are six fccular nights in the week. "AVhnt tball I do with them?" says tho father and the husband. "I will glvo four of these nights to the improvement and entertainment of my family, either at li'Uiie or in good neighborhood. I will devote one to charitable Institutions. I will devote one to my lodge." 1 congrat ulate oii. Here Is a man who says, "Out of the six secular nights of tho week ) will devoto tivo to lodges and i lull" and associations and one to the home, uhich night I will spend In scowl ing like n Mardi squall, wishing 1 was out speiidiug it as I have spent the other live. J bat mau s obituary i.s written. Kot one out of ten thousand that ever get so far on the wioug road ever stops. Gradually bis heiilHi will fail through late bonis, ninl through loo much stimu lants he will H liis( r,. pi-,,y f). el.y. slpulas and ibeiimatlsin of the in-art. C Ms of llilil ANHOclulloiia, The doctor ruining in will at n glance fee it Is not only piesunt dismiso be must fight, but years of fast living The oler g.Mimn, for the sake of the feelings of the family, on the funeral day will only talk In religious gcoeri.llties, The men who got his yatht In the eternal rapids will not be at the obsequies. They have pressing engagements that day. They will send tlowers to the collin, will send their wives to utter voids of sympnthy, lint they m ill have engagements else where, They never come. Hrlug mo luallet and chisel, and I will cut that man's epitaph, "Hlessed are the dead who die In thu Lord'" ".No," you say, "that would not be appropriate." "Let me die the death of the lighteons and let my Inst end be like bis?" "No," you say, "thnt would not be appropriate." Then give me the iillet nnd the chisel, nnd I will cut an honest rpltuph, "Meie lies tho vie tim I" ill-Hiputlm; assoilatious!" Another test l. will' h you can find whe'liii' vmii' seciet society is right u wrong- i the riled it h.i on your seculii occupation 1 can understand lion through siH-hJiiw-Jiislitutluii a man can reach cpmwcrtijiKBUcco.ss., JL kuo.w?omo loen have i it n mi I their best business re lations through such n channel, k tho secret society has advantaged you In nn honorable calling, It is a good one, but has your credit failed? Are bargain mak ers now more nnxlous how they trust you with a bale of goods? Have tho men whose nnmcs were down hi the commer cial agency Al before they entered tho society been going down since In com mercial standing? Then look out. You and 1 every day know of commercial es tablishments going to ruin through the social excesses of one or two members, their fortune henten to death with ball players' bat or cut amidships with tho front prow of the regntta or going down under the swift hoofs of the fast horses or drowned In tho largo potations of cognac or Monongnhcla. That secret so ciety was the Ixich I'arn. Their business was tho Viile do llnvre. They struck, and tho Vllle de Havre went under! The third test by which you may know whether the society to which you bclon? Is good or bnd Js this: AVhat Is its effect on your senso of moral nnd religious ob ligation? Now, It 1 should tnke the names of all tho people in this nudlcnco and put them on a roll and then I should lay that roll back of this organ and a hundred years from now some one should tnko that roll and call It from A to 7, there would not one of you answer. I sny thnt any soclrty that makes me for get that fact Is a bad society. When I go to Chicago, I am sometimes perplexed nt lluffnlo, as I supposo ninny travelers nre, ns to whether it Is better to take the Lake Shore route or the Mich igan Central, equally expeditious and equally safe, getting to their destination nt the same time. Hut supposo thnt I hear that on one route the track is torn tip, the bridges nre down nnd the switches nre unlocked. It will not take me a great while to decide which road to take. Now, hero are two rondn in the future tho Christian and the iin-t'hristian, the safe and the unsafe. Any institution or any association that confuses my ideas in re gard to thnt fact Is a bad Institution anil n bad association. I bad prayers beforo 1 joined that society. Did I have them afterward? 1 attended the house of God before I connected myself with that un ion. Do 1 absent myself from religious ihllucnces? In (bo I, nut Honrs, Which would you rather hnvo in your hand when you come to die, a pack of cards or a Hihle? Which would you rather have pressed to your Hps in the closing moment, tho cup of Helshnz2arean wassail or the chalice of Christian com munion? Whom would you rather have for your pallbearers, the elders of n Christian church or the companions whose conversation was full of slang and Innuendo? Whom would you rather have for your eternal companions, those men who spend their evenings betting, gam bling, sweariug, carousing and telling vile stories or your little child, thnt bright girl whom the Ixird took? Oh, you would not hae been away so much nights, would you, if you had knowu she was going away so soon? Dear me, your house has never hern the same place since. Your wife has never brightened up. She hns never got over It. She never will gel over It. How long the evenings aro with no one to put to bed nnd no one to whom to tell the bcRutlful Hiblo stories! What a pity it is that you cannot spend more evenings at home in trying to help her bear that sorrow! You can never drown that grief in tho wine cup. You can never break away from the little arms that used to be flung around your neck when sho used to say, "Papa, do stay with me tonight, do stay with mo tonight!" You will never bo able to wipo away from your lips tho dying kiss of your little girl. The fas cination of a had secret society is so great that sometimes n man has turned his back on his home when bis child was dying of scarlet fever. lie went away. Hefoie he got back at midnight the eye had been closed, the undertaker bad done bis work, and the wife, worn out with three weeks' watching, lay unconscious in the next room. Then tho returned father comes up stairs, and he sees the cradle gone, nnd he says, "What Is tho matter?" On the judgment day he will tind out what was the matter. Oh, man astray, God help yon! I am going to muke n very stout topo. You know thnt sometimes a ropemaker will take very small threads and wind them together until after awhile they become a ship cable. And I am going to take some :ory small, delicato threads and wind them together until they maliu a very Btout rope. I will take all the memories of tho marriago day a thread of laugh ter, a thread of light, a thread of music, a tin end of banqueting, a thread of con giatulatioii and I twist them together, and I have one strand. Then I take a thread of tho hour of the first advent In your house, a thread of the darkness thnt preceded, and n thread of tho light that followed, nnd a thread of the beautiful scarf that little child used to wear when sho bounded out at eventide to greet ou, and then a thread of the beautiful dress in which you hud her away for the resurrection, and then I twist all these threads togcthei, .mil 1 nnw another strand. Then I take a thread of tho scarlet lobe of a bufieiing Christ, and a thread of the white raiment of your loved ones before tho throne, nnd n string of tho harp rhirubic, nnd a string of the hnrp seraphic, and 1 twist them all together, and I have n third strand. "Oh," you say, "dther strand is enough to hold fast n world!" No. I will take these strands, and 1 will twist them together, and ono end of that rope 1 will fasten, not to the communion table, for it shall be remov ed; not to n pillar of the organ, for that will ciuinble In the ages; but I wind it round and round the cross of a sympa thizing Christ, and, having fastened one end of the rope to the cross, I throw tho other end to you, Lay hold of il! Hull for your life! Hull forlieaven! (Cop) right, 1M1, I.ouii Klopvh, N. Y. CONSOLATION. When you hate an nchln lonitln to gn fishin, When th' ininntrt uu ttr kpfikli'l b.ts invite, WIihii you tit upon Hi' il.uiiji-li Link, n wi-hin That th' loniurni-d limiiiliim'-u would bite, Clwv ih' cud uf i-iliii ii-ll.TlHin, 'HiuukIi elutel lu ili'jtM linn, An ri uu inl.f r there' u ilj) I'r in iy night, tVhrn your wife's maternal anre'toi'i a-romle Hint on makla It u long, pi'i'iMuil hi a v. An Ji m hear th' buiy bees uf trouble lniiiimln An uu wlih ehe'U hurry up an gu a), lie th' tna?ter uf our troulili-; Don't let trouble trouble double, Hut remember every night must have Ita day. When on r-lgn a note just f'r areommodatlon, An voiir friend forgets th' note H eoniin due, An vou leil comitrulncd to awrar In nioderatioti When be ltaves th' llnal settlement to juu, Watch jour rhaix-e an aoak It tn him. All he'll wish you never knew him; f-'verv Ink black cloud hat got ill aky of bluf, When a frit nd romea up an perpetrate a atory That vou'ie heard a tliounnd yiais ago or more, in yi . i like to make lurroiindlriK landscape gory 1 1 1 1 t Ills aelfsaine alory tellln feller's gore, Clirille, Brit your teeth an bear It; Mobt of in hare had to share it, F'r jnu've peddled that same tale In dayi ol yore. Dearer Timta. A DEUUHION. Willie "Those gold (lsh you sent homo nre fakes." Slliii'u u -"How do you know"? Whv, 1 took tin-in nut of the water nml tin tumid brown In llfteeu minutes,' -Mf Kodol Dyspepsia Cure "Digests what you eat.'! SIX LAMB CHOPS. Ttiey Conned n llenp of Trnnlile In n Knnilly ol Three. T ordered six lamb chops by phone tho other day. We have three In the family persons, not chops--Including the maid, and I calculated thnt six chops would nverago up something like two chops nplece. Viulprstnnd me, I'm not willing V bet on it. I hnve bet on what I con sidered absolute certainties pcvcrnl times nnd lost. Well, I asked the butcher to hnve them young and tender. Ho promised ho would. It Is so easy o promise things over tho phone! lie said, "You don't want 'em too young, do you?" I told Mm I didn't think 1 did. 1 also told him that he must be very enreful and not linve them too tender either. He assured nie he would look out for that. Ho did. I didn't see those chops until they came on the table. 'I he maid nssttres mc they are the same chops 1 ordered. She put the rntlte six on the tabic. My wifo says she told her that she didn t think she cared for chops. She snld she was , afraid shed get (lie new tilling out of her iruttii i ii 111 imit ii mi uiiH iiitii; uku niic hail sampled ono of the nix. The butcher didn't get 'em too young, ' unless !() or perhaps TiO years can be considered young. Nor were they too tender. Our butcher Is n conscientious tradesman. When he says he'll see that meat Isn't too tender, It never is. And It's the same way when he says nothing nbont It. One of those chops is now dry tig on the back fence. I m going to use it for a hinge on the kitchen screen door. 1 knew something wns doing just ns fooii ns I tried to cut one of cm. Sonn- times It seems to me that It s a foolish habit to cut up meat. Our levered an- restors, the cave men, used to bolt their meat, a steak- at a tune, u saves uuivos, and it saves teeth. Our girl smilingly remarked that she would bring me a knife with n steel blade. 1 asked her If she couldn't sharpen It on the way. Then I removed my coat and vest, my suspenders and my collar and tie. When 1 got that far, my wife gave a little sniff nnd said she guessed she'd go home to her mother. I suppose I looked sort of desperate. I told her sho roniu go ait rigut ir siien time uie cnops with her. uur mam was uorn nex uoor io a stove repair shop, nnd she always sharp- ens n knife on the stovepipe. She was so anxious to get this particular knife slinrp that she bore on a little too hard. The stovepipe fell down, and nbout a bushel of uice assorted soot went down the maid's neck nnd into her starboard rye. nnd all over the prune BoiifTlo. I am very fond of prune souffle, but I don't like it witli soot dressing. Then we had quite a time. Thorn were the kitchen to clean up nnd the maid's eye to wash out. 1 suggested putting a chop on it, and the maid, who has very little ensc of humor, got mad and went to bed, and we didn't see her again until the next afternoon. I guess now thnt it's just as well not to cat much meat in hot weather. Cleve- mnu i lain ueaier. Iiidlsprnnable. "What, back from vacation eo soon, old chap?" Cholly Thrre-per-week Y"n-as, old fel. nnd to hurry back to let the boss off, Joutcherknow. New i'ork Journal. An Unfair AilvHntaisi-. Two Irishmen were out fishing nnd concluded to make a wager with each other as to which would catch the most fish. They had been fishing for nbout half an hour, with little or no success, when I Ull UU WUS SlilllllltlK, IU-9L 1119 ll.lllllll.fl nnd fell off the pier. As I at went head long past Mike the latter gave n yell and ...t. .. It l... V.I l.nl ... said: "liegorra. if ye nre gain to dive for 'em, the bet's off!" London Answers. One Sorrow Less, "Do you think that a young man who Is poor has an ndvantago over tho child of luxury in an artistic career?" asked tho aspirant. "Well," answered Mr. Stormington Barnes reflectively, "of course he has this comfoit: He isn't nearly so liable to loso a lot of money." Philadelphia Press. A Sure llemilt. "Say, old chap. Coffup and I have a bet we wish )ou'd decide for us." "No, thanks," "Why why not? We're both friends of yours," "Exactly. So what's tho uso of my makiug an enemy of one of you." Lite. A (Ji-en t II Her. To any person who lias any conception of the commeicinl possibilities dormant in the Mississippi It must appear strango If some adi'u.uate utilization Is not ulti mately made of them, Tho great river with its tributnrlos constitutes the most remarkable system of Inland waterways m the world. Prom the mouth of the Mississippi steamuis may be navigated to L'l states and territories, and to nuiko the entire circuit would requiro several months' continuul steaming. Tho navigation uf the liver from St. lyouis to New Orleans, a dlstanco of l.'-'OO mllei, is practicable nt all seasons of the year, even for the largest steamers, but abovo St. I.ouls and ou the Ohio river, the lat ter lieinj.: 1,000 miles in length, the heav ier craft may ply with safety only during intervals of high water. Somo concep tion of tho force of the current of the Mississippi may be gained from the fact that it has nn outflow of i',000,000 cubic uuiuuw ,w,vra ciioic ,o..r, n dlschargo only exceeded of the Amazon and I Plata feet nu hour, by that rivers. Thliiicsi Thnt MIkIiI lie Ilettereil. This may be tho age of steel, steal, progress and reform, but we are not im proving in some Hues with cominendablo speed. Tho eyelets iu our shoes are round, but we still wear Hat strings. The loops on our summer trousers are placed so low thnt the waistband protrudes nbovo tho belt. The strap on the neck bnnd of our shirt Is lone enough lo let our tie slip over tho top of tho collar. Our hats are mado for bullet headed men; those with long heads must have a new puicbnsu stretched out of shape to obtain a fit. Thu only kind of bachelor's buttons that are, not utterly worthless grow wild In the fields of the United States. Tin unity youths used to car ry them In their pockets to divine their success with Ihelr sw ectbeni Is. New York Pit Oenernl Do Wet, says an American tin Iti tm of th Bin r Noldlcr, 'I v thu llmst inr-ir mar lu South .Urlm lie sua on his borsri ns gracefully ns tt Prlnco atvf, bucks on una ii covvuojv"'' AN EXPERT GRAFTER. Ills ItrmnrUnMe Ttnmnnre Thnt Xrr er Palled to Work. "Don't believe me, hey?" smiled the tough looking tramp who had taken a etool In .1 Grand Hiver nvpnuo drug store and asked for a frco dispensation of some splrltus frumenti as a nervo tonic. "I'm giving It to you straight. I used to run just ns nice a plnco ns this In this very street. Got a hard prescription there? If I can't compound it just ns well as your own pharmacist, I'll go out of hero dry." Then he entertained the proprietor by rending nit the Lntln labels, translating them and telling the uses of tho different drugs as none but nn expert could. Ho was a "sure enough" druggist. "How on earth did you ever lose your t-i'titV natriit Ilia oci,, rtnt ni nfli.t e.iftltir- m,t ' K rA (t t fMi ,.ass wlth a double doso of lmMlcll0 called for ..,t.s o ,h(. 8trnIn,ost Mol.i(s yml em. UcnV ()f ,)()t U.H Mrfti , w. lc .,, (l,)0Ut n oVlork nt , ,t R .,. tlri,sseil mnn ru!)1,cil , mf , s (lml hU w,f(l ,ln(, tnki-n n t!ofe of nrscnlc by mlstnko not I 1 t (i tntntttiia ttfnn 1 nnnlilh't InncA , j KnV(, ,,m nn n'ntiioto nm, )t)d 'Ut to run for all he was worth and to call a doctor ns soon as ho had given tho medi cine. Next day he wns back and told me that hefoio the week was out he would give me nu evidence of his appre ciation that would put mo on Easy street. The races were on, and 1 hursday mon,,1K ),,, entlod, took me into the hnck rfmm ,, put to slm tlll1(j. at no , ,je . on le lnsi(lc nnil t0 pMt u, evory (lolnr he couU1 ra,JPi ,,(. lulvKpj , ,0 do tll atnL,( mil, , (1ll ceauinR mlt Iny ballk llcc,iullt, Kl.ttR my life's snvings, putting a chat- ,, .,...,,,,.,,,. 0I, mv Ntock llml maki,,,. ,.1T grateful friend my agent to place the money 'And the hotso lost?" "Wns no such horse. The man's wife never took poison because be had no ' 0,lice wns a well known local charac wife nothing but nn elaborate confidence t,,r' ""'10 asked tho loan of a few ponnds game, nnd I've been hunting him ever ,0 hu.7 n dorfkey and cart and set up in hImpp," I the rag and bone business. Heaven", what luck! Have nnother. I llt ,hj, flnsI; ytmr ,)0Ci,et Tlmt romance aiwnys grafts 'em," smiled the tramp as he headed down the aT,.nP. "Never knew It to fail (roit Free Press, , -De- He Moved Them. Stubbe Mv. ain't ho crncefull But , jllst vvait till you Explained. 1 ho liilrn Lottie ttr-wt rtn I tin mipS. ,vn,i,in.. ti... hni- ,vifh ,,nl,n,. .,,,, 1 wonder, said tho human being. "why it is that I am embarrassed at the idea of wearing a shirt waist in this weather while you don't seem to caro how absurd you look in thnt headgear." , "It is due to a mere nceident of birth," nnswered the horse good natnredly. "It is in the nature of things thnt I should hnve horse sense." Washington Star. A I.nn In Prmlenrr. First Doctor-Did you give Tnggs the treatment we decided upon? Second Doctor-Yes; and It nearly kill-, it 111 llllll. What a narrow escnpe!" "It was Indeed. It has taught me al ways to collect in advance after this." San Francisco Bulletin. So Suililen. i.im.i -an., i.' . i- ..v.i... a mil ... i; 'i) ' uujeLl tO( fainting tits. "A'tarted to ask her to join mo in a glass of soda water the other evening. but when I got to the word 'join' she keeled light over In my arms," Ohio State Journal. ' Poor Pnjin! "I never see you lounging In the ham- mocks, Mr. Subbs." "No; these gay front porch hammocks ( aie for company anil for ornament, i ne old tope thing the folks let mo swing in h rom, iu tUc mlck yar,.Detroit j,r(,L, 1'ress. , ' ' 1 filve the FnlU a Chance. I Itridget O'Hoolahan (on Pan-American . excursion at Niagara) Arrah, ain't ft a grand soiglit, I'athrick .' i O'Hoolahan Hist, woman! Sthop talk-1 ing long enough for me to hear tno toarl Brooklyn ICagle. rtilliluK the Dend Lnnnnanei, "Blllie got all the Greek und Latin , , C1)(,,,p I I)(, wlmt,s llp don nowr Tho 0I,,V job cmll, wns only job lie could get wns as as sistant to the coroner." Cleveland Plnln Dealer, Tnrned Ills tlcnd. "Widow Brown lias completely turned old Skeeslck's head "Yes. 1 notice his hnlr has turned darker since he met her." Now Yorli Herald. Tin: nusinsT of all. They sny the bee Is busy, nnd It Is; Where tlowers bloom It'H ulwnys utter biz, Hut when, n-wcary, I go out to sit And rest upon tho porch, such nights as these It seems to me that for "get up and git" The she mosquito eats the busy bees. Clilcngo Iteconl-ller.ild, A HKAHONAllU'J KXIM.ANAT10N, Minister- "Hrldgct, these potatoes taste imiulilv III bluet ''s, sorr Ol daro say, sorr- they set nlxt to your barrel o" sermons In Itlio sullctv Jiiincm Jiuo, See Mr! Chicago News. i I HAPPY HITS A. Dnne.h of Oooil Things From Ihn Ynnkcm Stntmmiin, no I told her I should kiss her crets time sho giggled, flic What was tho result? "Why, sho giggled tho wholo evening." She Whnt docs It require besides pa tlcnco to make a good fisherman? Ho An utter disregard for tho truth. automobile yesterday nnd hurst a tire, Patrice Perhaps tho dog was a point- Yeast Did you say your wife is lib eral minded! s, . . , , , , , Crlmsonbealv YV by, yes; she's always, ready and willing to glvo mo a piece of It. The Cannibal Chief You any yon nro Rolng to glvo me n batter pudding today for dinner? Tho Cannibnl Chef Yes, your excellen cy. Wo found a stranded baseball ulna near by yesterday. Sirs. Donrborn-DId Jerrv balk when tho minister rhnr-nd him XI m, m,. ' . " "j ingyoll I ,7' V.n,,h-"0 n,tV,?t ,BM.t; ' It ffnnllT thn tin rerr eniH ln,M iU ! i but finally tho parson said he'd do it chenrMir tho next time. Mrs. Crlmsonbeak Hnvo you got a real, live goat at your lodge, John? Mr. Orimsonbeak Why, no, dear. It's only a dummy a stuffed affair. "Why. don't you know that it's against , the law tobave any bogus butter In your possesion 1 -Yonkers btatesman. JnllyliiK III Womhlp The mayoral chair of a certain town wns occupied by a gentleman of great kchu usuj. vmoug me nppucunis uu nought relief from him during his tenure Well, Tim," snld the mayor, "if I give jou tins money how are you going to pay me?" This was a poser for Tim, but a thought struck him, nnd he blurted out: i "Well, ycr worship, if ye are kind enough to give me the mouey I'll tdl yer what I'll do-I'll name the donkey after VA. i-i-ll.. I I . Ili.r. yer worship." Tit-Hits. Slip of the Pen. "I am open to conviction," said tho burglar, and he was right. Eight years and six months was the sentence. There is a deal of firing at random, but It is always somo one else who gets hit. A man who rents says a sir story rec- ommendation usually g with n two Htory house. When a young man calls on a girl and tho old folks immediately leave the par- lor, it is safe to propose. Lo Angeles Herald. AVhnt Klle Snld. "I'm afraid I can't interest my 5-year-old Elsie in fairy tales any longer." "And why not?" "I was telling her about the 'Forty Thieves,' and when I got to the 40 oil Jars with a thief in each jar what do you uppose she said? ' "1 give It up." "She said, 'Wouldn't thnt jar you?' " Cloveland Plain Denier. Merelr ChrUtenlnjc Him. i.,.. i,.inil m, ,., . u. 'u he never had been christoned." nuJ juoi uriuiu uuu uui it. uu. iil- nuiij "But how did your action remedv mat- tcrs?" BBked the police magistrate. "Why, I broke a wine bottle over his head, didn't I? An any sea farm man will tell you that's the proper way." Chicago Post. A Cuilom In DnnRCr, "The Chinese," said the man who is always trying to unload back number information, "hnve a very curious cus tom of paying all their debts the first of the year." "Well," nnswered the man who takes everything seriously, "I guess they will get over that habit when it comes to in demnities." Washington Star. Why He ftet the Ilcnt. Tirst Boarder How Is It that Tact- leigh aiwnys gets the best of everything at the table? Second Ditto Oh, ho's such a smooth chap! Ever since be spoke of the milk we get as "cream" Mrs. Porter has been wonderfully gracious to him. Boston Transcript. Evil of Politic. Blithers Our old friend, Colonel Beet- ' nnu, is uuoiiier insiuuce oi lue nireiiuuus llftc f Politics, B athers-How s that? Bthers-He sued nn opposition party 1 paper for printing a caricature of him, , . t . 1 . L . . .L .1-. I nnu ne"m " n" la" y'clure 1uul tcred the colonel. Ohio State Journal. What Ho Probably Ileeurd. "As I passed your house last even 4I1" 1 "i'iui muuaiii '"uu " f 1 1 L. .. 11 MT . 1. n .. 1. . 1 I. svi luuiuK. ycs fhg nnswcrea icilyf T wfl, at . tho ,hentcr ,agt eTenIn(;i coUSai ' T'' DllHPtWlthebaront rnl nrlf1iUse lMns the C00k' btray , Dlones' Hnhtts. ! She I hear so much talk about Ha- j vnna wrappers. What Is a Havana wrap-! ' per, nny way? I He Why, it's a sort of tobacco habit' Philadelphia Prt'ss. HlgKoat For Sulllng, "Geo, Willie, If I had your ears Pd Ret beforo do wind and scud!" New York Evening Journal. lluunilitn Ile Honrd. Jester 1 understand our pastor Is go ing to preach through a megaphone here after. Jimson Why Is thatV Jester Why, the sleeping members of the congregation snore so loudly thnt the others cuu't hear. Ohio State Journal. rirlnKtuK IIIfH to Terms. "I would like to have your photograph for an article to be published iu our Sun day paper," said the representative ot the sensational journal, "Couldn't think ot It," snld the man whose sudden lame was due tn the fact that his son hud eloped with a variety actress. "1 have no deslie for notoriUy.'1 "Of course," was the reply, "If yr ,i prefer to have me sketch you from meie ory after 1 get buck to the ullieo" "Take It!" cried the man, hastily tr dering the photograph "I've seen si i Of those memory sketvbua." Chiciign HI THE BRIDEGROOM WAS LATE. Why ITo Arrived Tonslcil and Cov ered With Colnvrhs. "One of the most embarrassing situa tions I ever saw," remarked a gentleman at one of the hotels, "wns at a big wed ding celebration at one of the largo churches In a southern city several years ago. It was tho event, foclnlly, of the season, nnd tho church was Tilled with belles and beans. The brido and brM groom were among tho most nonulnr of ; mo social set, The young lady was the I Vrrr essence nt nrnen In nil tlilnr-o 11, the man who had won her wns one'of the most awkward specimens of humanity I had ever seen. Ho was simply built thnt way. lie looked it. Ho walked moro liko a camel than any human being I ..... i.,,., niivu. iic tin iiic mini ol lei- nw i .i. .,.. t. 1.1 ' ... nave ever seen. He was the kind of fei- cc, ; Lu es n T,U U . n keen as they mado them, and among the older men in the commercial mnimnnlt v he was held up as a Splendid example An Vovrrcd that theV.sh are bltln down In Cot of the young manhood of the time. I ton's brook. "But, getting back to the wedding, the ' 1 d,n,t wl,y they n" m UP on 'rithumtK an wife, whispering folk who generally look 1 ,, "y .,.,. after such things bad arranged for the 1 m 7,nVi19 le 4 b,r,k"' ,llt mjr pJp:l ,nm ' t " " 'V"" 1'""' "u '" l ul ."" "'.'i " ,u.fcP" ol ",s Pr.olcs" 11 "n" , inline ii a irn P more e nimrnte than in !,,! ,. ,..,.i rni.. u.l . i f- tho bride nnd a number of attendants . ... io approacli the altar from the front part of the church, and 7:.10 was the time ex actly when the meeting between brido and bridegroom should take place nt the ' nitai. j "The bridpgroom wns to comn from tho back of t ie church. Thonn-niiihiin.li.ri.il ford, the usual strains nnd the ni-ettv ,,riuV walked dowi, trn"owaM bt aUar with the attendants. They reached the altar. It was 7:30 p, tn., on the last tick of the half hour. The bridegroom was not there. All eyes tinned to the door through which he was to enter. But it never opened, and t ie seconds scorned to lengthen into centuries. It was awful. The bride's face Hushed, and she was rapidly weakening under the trying wait. "Five minutes nearly had passed, when thp door was tiling open and the embar rassed bridegroom entered. His face, too, was flushed, his hair was touseled nnd disarranged, bis gloves and shin front vvnrp tinHi'iS- fiml tn ffiot lin i,.nu lltnrnll.. ro,i .i,h cni,-.,v. nn,i ,u,' it,,, i,' had the smllo of victory on ills face when he broke thmnc-b tho rtnnr mi , body seemed to be almost in a humor io I . applaud. "After the ceremony he explained why it was that he did not arrive on time The vard Miltid the church was not well lighted. A huge organ box had been placed up close to the church, and it was ono of the boxes with n folding door that swung on hinges. In his excitement ami hurry ho had opened this door and bnd walked Into the organ box, and before he could get his bearings he had managed to undo all the little tidy arrangements he had made for the occasion, and this ac- counted for the dust and the cobwebs which clung to his hair and clothing when he rushed into tho church." New Or leans Times-Democrat. Kinder Than HI Pov "Say, pop, you know Mr. Johnson 'cross the street?" asked S-year-old Tom my Cross. "Yes; know him most ns well as I do you," icplied tho elder Cross. v i i, iic s gor, lour ucauieous ponies in his barn. Well?" A ..... Tl T)I.,VI UUTT """J ia.,u. "Jimmy's awful smart. He says you ...... . fan tri,a '!UIiC . BD,.miJn 11 UL fcuJ"0'1' 11 111 an take away the hole, so's you can make a key that wi tut it, see; "Oh, is thnt so. "Yep. An Jimmy s father makes bul- lets out of lead, nn he can tnke the lead an make a key, an what do you expect?" ell, with an enterprising lad like Jimmy I should think that after taking away the hole he'd go back and get the barn." "Nope; but he's going to take out tho ponies somo dark night, an, say, pop, he's going to give me one. That's more than you'd do for me." "Hum! Guess it Is." New York Mail and Express. A TEXAS GIRL TRANSFORMED Fhe was a Texas maiden; ahe cane of low degree. Her clothe were i.rn and faded, her feet from shoes were free. Her face was tanned and freckled; her hajr wai r-unburncd, too. Her whole blamed tout ensemble waa painful foi to view! She drove a lop eared mule team attached unto a plow. The trlrklin; peririratirn erudinc from her brow, And oflen she bimented her cruel, cruel fate Aa but a po' white'a daughter down in the Lone Mar State. No courtiers came to noo her; ahe never had I beau Her misfit face precluded such things as that, you know She waa nobody's darling, no fellow's solid girl. And poela never called her an uncut Texas pearl. Her only two companions were those old f.ea bit ir.ults, And these she but regarded aa animated tools To plod along the furrows In rttence up and down And pull the ancient wagon when rP'd go to lown. Ko Urea of wild ambition were aurglng In bei aoul; ner ejea with tender passion ahe'd never upward roll. The wondrous world ahe'd heard of to her was but a dream Aa walked she In the furrow behind that lop eared team. Horn on that small plantation, 'twas thrre ehe thought she'd die; I She never longtJ for pinions that she might 1 and fly To other lands tar distant where breezes fresh and cool Would never shake and tremble from braying: ol a mule. But yesterday w asw her dressed up In gorgcout it) let A hall a down fellows were basking In her amllel She'd Jewels on l.cr fingers and Jewels in hei ears- Creat, tparkliuy, flashing brilliants that hung as froaen tea ml Tlis feet, once nude and coll stained, were clad In Frenchy boots; The once tanued face bore timings of miscellane ous trulls; The voice that ones admonished tho mules to move along Waa tuned to newborn music as sweet as alren'i eons! Her tall and lanky father, once known as "Sleepy Jim," Ii now addressed as "Colonel" by men who honoi him, And youtha In l)net raiment now take him by the pa Hach in the hope that some day he'll call him dad-lii'lsw Their da) a ot toll are over; their aun haa ils'n at last; A gold embroidered curtain now hides their rocky past. For waa it not discovered their little patch ol soil Had rested there for ajea above a flow of oil? Jimes Parton Adams in Danver Post, A LONOKIt DOO. "Havo you had this dog as long as thn other dog?" "Yes, longer. This Is u dachshund," Cleveland I'lulu Denier. DKl'TNUD. "Kav pop. I ve got to write n composi tion on I lops. What Is llopo. uiiyvviiy" llopi. mi boy, is the Joyous cxpeita- Hon of being able, to dod, our just de serts," idle. "WHEN SKULE LETS OUT!" t'm hippy rr. elimj dti, you kin bet I'm ffella ftyl Decut the time tcr cloiln tkule gits nerer ev'ry tUy. 1m (Irk uv tkli hr iturly work an mookeyln la tkute, Jr ltarnln tht ole ROisrufr n mith'metlclin rule. I Jilt cin't (dt It throuKh my httd the fprllto hook, I mfn t'er blmne near ev'ry word I splt 1 miss It tllrk and titan. Oh, won't I be a happy kid an won't I uhwp an ihout n h,"lh ,"cl",l klnd u' "" fckue Ixts Outl It ain't bit uv fun ftr me to go to tkule an Inrn 'Bout who dlscovfrcd 'Merlky, cua I don't keer a (turn I I ten tlmrs dmther be the man what ha a ' i in hook " 1 " ' flrut er a cowboy, Jlrt about T tl I km WLen Mule beta Out I wonder It they think It's (un to multiply an I nevt-r jtt could Hcer rS;ht, an that's whit add. makrt me mad. Tht ori'.v ,ln"' in " my 11,0 licn 1 kin f.??fr iiraigm ' 1 In about ten mlmi ' dr"V;",d"d " Uu2''0 WU n.n tUr 'en, tell -bout Dewey . i, , llllUlll' 9 Id"-. ibe Dewey an h s brave an trusty rrrw. I'd like to kill a Injun chief an te the P Smut, An iwMiy I will stand a show When kule Lets Outl ksktn Jlat think uv what I'm rr.lfjln In the way uv win nin famel If I keep coin on to skule, I'll never carre a name. I don't see how I'll ttin' a show to do a blessd thin? If 1 must itay cooped up tn ikule studyln, by linsl Dut lmll' 1'r' Jun' 40 n I will be free: They won't be no more schoclln fer awh..'1, you bet, fer met I'll mnke things h'im around our house vt'ucn Z lie-in to spout. Cee HilI I wisli't this wui the day When Skule I.eta Out! A. Itrlnlnstoal In Los Ansles Times. Tnellciil lllnnilrr. Maud Has Mr. Goodkctch como to call on you yet 1 Mabel No. Ho asked me soveral weeks if he might call too. Maud What did you say In reply? Mabel I told him mamma would bn glad to sop him. Maud Well, that's where you swal lowed your gum. Chicago Tribune. 31ran of Them. "Well, Dorothy," said Aunt .T,tne, "thev've decided to name the baby liar old." "HI, nthniv'" nrclntmofl llrtln T"lr.- -K.r ..j lhlnk tll..,'s tno Inoan, vyhT rn i , , if pui- r .nmnti,ir,,.v t know I want a little sister." Phi. phia Press. A Test of Prominence. ' "He assumes a great deal of Impor- tance as a public otlicial," said na CM- nnman. , "Yes," answered the other, "but nny onr can sf,0 i0 doesn't really amount to much. He has been beheaded on'v twi"-- n ti,8 rn5t mouths." WasUiuhton gtar. A Very Pnlnfnl Joke, Bertie Soppifnl I s'pose, my boy-awr thnt all the acres heah belong to t ,e aw squire aw! Kid (with toothache) Some on ' ii. But I've got art a dozen achors of mo 0vvn, find well I knows it! nmergeiicjr Anility. "Women have no originality no in ventive genius. "Nonsense. I've seen my stenographer make a memorandum with a hatp:n on a oako of soap when she had no pape" handy." Chicago Hecord-Herald. Fair Mlniled, Anyhow. Briggs Who was the homeliest man you ever saw? Griggs Ugglimugg, by nil odds, ne wns so homely that he took offense if y- told him thnt his children resembled him in the least. Boston Transcript. Not Ilia Way, Judge You are charged witli steal. ns nix turkeys from Colonel Sinilax. H.ivt you liny witnesses? Bnstus No, sah: you bet I aiu't. I doan' steal turkeys befo' witnesses, sah." Cincinnati Enquirer. Vice. Vice Is most dangerous when It putu on the sctnlilnnce of virtue. An llinergeney 'Will, Somo yenrs ago there wns produced In the English court of probate n plank: on which were scratched the testamen tary dispositions of n shipwrecked na- va ollleor. The board, With its rough. enrvltiB, wns held to bo n will duly exe cuted. Wood Enters. The veildahs, or wild hunters, of Cey lon mingle tho pounded libers of soft nnd decayed wood with the honey on which they feed when incut is not to be obtained. A rerfret Olive, A perfect olive is of n ycllowIsH green tinge, hard, ttud when tiltten tho mouthful Is entire, not mushy or spongy. The stone should have n pink ish color and n sniull fresh nnd agree able. Bow tiro of the olive thnt Is dark . lu color, ho ft and flmylls like, now. wee .liBolS-leufirfs' .V. V V "v