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FAIR PLAY, STE. GENEVIEVE, MISSOURI.
' A. " i I t JL T7 .
Drawings hy fW Walter-
I V . V, ll
"Porter 1 Some papers, please, nnd turn on that fan."
"Get mo a paper, yes, and a timetable."
"Yass'r, jus' a minute, suli."
"Oh, Lord, I can't tell; let's see:
Vacuum bottle, both palm beaches, 'Age of Innocence'
Three decks, my little organdy, kodak.
Even your old back-spin mashie.
Can't tell what I've forgotten till we've started.
Never can if they don't treat Bourbon right!
Dear old pup! He knew we were going, didn't ho?"
"Oh these awful stateroomBl"
"A-w-1-1 'board 1" . x
Waghl Tighten up yer felloes and fcrgit ycr fawfarato,
Or ycr wheels will chunk with wedges fore ye hit the Arkansaw,
Call yer wagons Concslogas, Pitlsburghs, Dearborns, if ye like,
Bttt they'll all be thunderin' nameless past the Independence pike;
Cut new axle-trees a-plenty, stretch ycr canvas tills above,
Pick ycr man ye want elected capitan at Council Qrove;
Ev'ry coon's his wagon-master strelchin' out o' here today,
llul the capitan is some from Council Qrove to Santa Fe;
Fill up on Missouri punhins while there's punkins here to eat,
Fer yer teeth can fetch up salt-sore when ycr out among the meat,
And it's ten of coffee, fifty flour, that ev'ry nigger's iakin',
And it's twenty pounds of sugar and it's fifty more of bacon. ,
And calico and lead and drilliii' that he's cartin' through.
With beaver peltries bringin' upward six dollars a plew;
Catchup! All's sett Stretchout! An' hep the cavayard away.
Eight hundred miles is layin' on the road to JSanta Fe.
f I 1
"Now I know. '
I forgot all my adorable pink silk ones, and my bead bag,
Anrl thn nnorjl (rlnscna T cVimilrl linvn inlrl Ttitrnhnrrl
"Never mind, dear; this isn't our honeymoon.
Sec those things out there?
They're silos make cattle drunk.
Hot as the devil, isn't it? There, how's that?"
"Last call fo' dinnah in the dinin' cyah,
Three cyahs fo'wa'd."
"Oo ! Ice cream 1 I hope if s in those wet, cold slices,
Sort of like cross-cuts of tan and strawberry marble, nice
Waghl Made the bank hot-collared, slick as shoolin' on the run,
An' we're miles from Independence and another day is done.
So lay dorwn lazy on yer old apishamore mat,
And smell the cherries boilin' in the yeller buffler fat,
And cut yer fleece-flaps with the grain and drink yer hot horns full;
Tonight we're munchin' boudns from the belly of a bull.
And there's hump-ribs past all shinin' and there's beaver tails to eat,
And the ruttin' herd is wider and the madre's makin' meat.
Yer sayin' signs? Osagcsf" Kawsf Pawnees?" Arapahoes?
Waghl That's the old mulcra she's got cactus in her nose.
Hut if yer sure they're comin' some and all half-froze fer hair,
Fer comfort get yer tacklin' with ascatter gun to spare,
And take an exlryt wipin' stick and flint don't spill yer caps,
And lay along the stakin' ground and shoot a few, perhaps.
The rest of us ain't skinnin' eyes, we're ridin' tired a heap,
And if the devils drop around to rub us out asleep,
Just tug us up in buffler whang and cart us home and say
That we failed at quittin' arrows and fell short of Santa Fe.
"This terrible desert! What makes the air wabble that way?
Oh, I'm hot, dirty, sticky, groggy I feel like Bourbon
When he tries to yawn and howl at the same time
"You ve been dnnkinjr too much ice water
Unloading all those dead hogs back there?
If they'd let them rest, then put wet dirt in the cars
"Hogs ! Look at me I See if you can't turn that fan 1"
"No ; its screwed on."
Waghl Fill yer wagon water kegs, five gallon to each one,
Fer here's a stretch of hell that God left blazin' in the sun.
From Arkansaw to Cimarron is upward fifty mile,
And if ye hit a water scrape ye'll lay wolf meat a while;
Two days if ye are pullin' good, forever if yer not,
And once too weak to gear a dog, yer belter off gut-shot.
Half over's stinkin' Sand creek, but it's always flamin' dry,
And ycr tongue will get to swellin' on mirages in the sky;
There's hauls o' men.out there that died a-suckin' prickly roots,
And lickin' buffler bladders dry and chewixt' parflesh boots;
And they say there's phantom oxen, with their yoke-irons jinglin' on,
Appearin' white to pull yer through when all yer own are gone.
There's Blackfcct and Oros Ventres and Comanches, and there's Sioux,
All campin' by the Cimarron to meet you when yer through.
So fill ycr kegs and laugh it out, the stick floats either way.
Catchup! All's set! Stretchout! And hep! Hi-ya for Santa Fe!
"So this is Santa Fe !
Look at this skirt, my dear ; look at it!
Wonder what makes a train seem to slip backward
When it stops?"
"That brushing did you a lot of good, I'll say.
See all the flivvers!
v The porter says some of the cowboys are coming back
Wow that the movies are closing down.
Hep-a! Slick up yer possibles, and wash and comb yer hair,
And put a cracker on yer lash and snap it through the air;
Yo' hear the stallions squealin' cause they know they're gettin' through,
And the oxen sniffin' water spoutin' at the rendezvous.
llep-ai Tie up yer trap-sack and sing out a good hurrah,
Fer it's down the Alameda to the Plaza Publico!
There she is a-layin' yonder dreamin' lazy in the sun;
And we'll have.a grand fandango when the custom house is done;
And the flirtin' senoriias will be welcomin' the chance
Fer a sly btiss in the prairie and a partner in the dance,
And we'll count coups together and be tellin' them the way
How we put a million under just to get to Santa Fe.
Text from New York Ueruld.
La entrada de la caravanal
At Lltang, about n hundred miles
(o the oust of Batang. In Tibet, where
there Is a large lamasery, and In the
lamasery of Derge, about 200 miles
above Batang, In the Ynngtzo volley,
llu- printing of religious books Is an
Industry of Importance. The Kiinjur.
which Is Hit' Buddhist bible, nnd the
Tnnjur, Its commentary, each compris
ing 103 volumes, lire printed In tbe
two luinaserles from blocks on which
characters are carved. The blocks
occupy many In rue rooms nnd the
printing of one set requires tho work
of ninny men for nmny days. In
I.ttnng, until recently, there wns a
copy of the Tnnjur which wns written
out by hand In gold mid silver. The
paper hurl first been lacquered with
Chlneso Ink. Tho gold nnd silver
fluids lu which the characters were
written wero mado by rubbing the
precious metals on u rough stone mid
mixing the powder with glut' water. It
was destroyed a few years ago by
Chlneso soldiers who understood noth
lug of Us value.
An Intensely dry. hot wind culled t
"znntla." which blows clown from tlm
Aiules upon the plains of Argentina,
was formerly thought to owe Its beat
to volcanoes. It Is really u "foehu,"
such as occurs In Switzerland tint
ninny other mountainous couturier),
whero winds, robbed of their moisture
lii crossing the mountain, are lien ted
by compression during tbelr descent.
AT AN ADVANTAGE.
"You think motion pictures show
tho actor at an advantage?"
"Decidedly," replied Mr. Storming.
ton Barnes, "especially In some of the
more primitive communities. When
the actor appears only as n photo
graph tbe audience, while It may make
unkind remarks, finds It absolutely
useless to throw things."
"I'm afraid we are going to loso
this ense," said the fair defendant's
"What's the trouble?"
"Our client's been on the witness
fctnnd for the Inst 15 minutes and not
n single one of the Jurors seems to
be awaro that she 1ms n nent pair of
ankles." Birmingham Age-Herald.
Came to the Right Man.
First Artist Well, old man, how Is
Second Artist Oh, splendid I Got a
commission this morning from a mil
lionaire. Wants bis wife and chil
dren painted very badly.
First Artist Well, old man, you'rt
uio very man to do that for him.
Most of Them Do.
"His voice actunlly trembled when
he took the oath of office."
"It was a solemn moment."
"True, but It wns also his first ex
perience ns a public servant. After
he's been elected to ofllce a few times
he'll swear as glibly as a colored wit
ness In a crap-shooting case."
"It Is said of tho late Andrew
Cnrnegle " began the efficiency ex
"I won't have this," stormed the
self-made boss. "If be was lute, dis
charge him at once."
Doctor's Little Wheeze.
"Hut, doctor, I'm In no position te
Undergo an operntlon for appendicitis."
"Aren't you flat on your back?"
"Well, that's the correct position."
Wlfey: George, dear, would you
mind helping me with a little bit of
Hubby: Not at all.
Wlfey: Well, If we pay the cook
all the wages she wants will we have
enough money left to buy anything
for her to cook.
The world's all right.
Just plod along;
It's usually tho man
"There's no denying that Bill has a
pretty high opinion of himself. He
thinks he Is one man In a thousand."
"Not If I know him, he doesn't he
thinks he's the other 090."
First Taxi Driver There ain't as
many people killed now as thero used
to be, it seems to me.
Second Taxi Driver No; nearly
everybody owns a car, and there ain't
enough people to go uround. Way-
Writing for a Crowd.
"Harold, I wish you wouldn't be
quite so scornful of ull hair that Isn't
"Don't you like my letters, dear?'
"Of course I do. But some of tht
girls I show them to haven't golder
Then It Went.
"What I Johnson working ngaln?
thought he'd retired with a compe
tence." 'He did; hut the minute ho retired
his wife knew he had It."
He Felt at Safe Distance.
Hub Got a letter from your mother,
eii7 What does Mie say?
Wife Oh, nothing.
Hub iteally? That Isn't at ull;llke
"Of what use Is cavalry In modern
warfare?" asked the examiner nt the
"I really couldn't say," answered
young Arciuuiiiii v llzvulentlne, "un
less It Is to. Impart tone to what would
ouienviso be n mere vulgar brawl"
Not Too Much.
"I like a man with plenty of touch
nnd go nbnut him."
"i m- last man I saw of that de
scription was In Jail for picking pock
Next time you
want to concen
trate on a piece
of work just slip
between your teeth.
It's a wonderful help
in daily tasks and 5,
E sports as well.
mmmammm and hard
Places come easy
gives you comfort
and poise it adds
the zest that
A great deal
"1 never saw the equal of those
Jagsbys next door," said' Mr. nib
bles. "They are always wanting to
borrow something. I honestly be
lieve we've lent them everything In
the house except the piano and our
'Tm sorry you are so wrought up,"
said Mrs. Nibbles. "Mr. Jagsby has
Just sent over to know If "
"Don't say itl Don't say It I"
"If you have a few empty bottles
you could spare, pint or quart size."
"Out of the way, woman I I'll take
them over myself." Birmingham Age-Herald.
A Puzzling Case.
North "How Is Dobbs getting along
With his wife?" West "I can't decide
whether he needs sympathy or ad-Vice."
Some men are born liars, while
others acquire the art.
Mary and her cousin Susan were
placed In a room by themselves to
play with tlielr dolls and picture books.
For half an hour all went well, then
there was a sound of lamentation.
Mary's mother opened the door to
learn what the trouble was and found
Susan seated on the floor loudly pro
claiming her grief to the celling while
Mary, leaning on her elbows, chin rest
ing on her hands, was gazing nonchal
antly Into the back yard.
"Now, what's the .matter?" mother
"Well," answered Mary, turning her
face toward her mother, "both of us
wanted to look out at the day, and
both of us couldn't."
Put His Foot In It.
She It seems strange that yon did
not remember my face, yet yon remem
bered tny name.
He (awkwardly) Well, yon knew
you have on attractive sort of name.
Why should you follow
a crooked path ?
Often a cowpath has been allowed to become
village street, and as the village expanded,
tradition has made the winding way an expres
sion of a cow's will.
Habit is always forging chains to enslave us,
bo that what has been found bearable by the)
fathers is accepted by the sons.
Who cannot recall the coffee-pot Mother put
on the stove early in the morning, warning us
not to let it boil over?
As children, we were not permitted to drink
tea or coffee, because it would stunt our growth
or make us nervous and irritable. When older,
however, we craved a hot drink with meals, and
custom gave us our tea or coffee.
Finally upon the instructions of the doctor,
Mother gave up her tea and coffee. But that
meant nothing in our young lives. Our vitality
was then strong enough to throw off any ill effects.
But our time came, and we learned by ex
perience that we could not drink tea or coffee. 3
When we had it for breakfast it put our nerves
on edge. When we drank it at the evening meal,
we tossed about in wakefulness most of the night-
And then we found Postum, a pure cereal
beverage, free from the harmful drug, caffeine, in
tea and coffee. We liked the rich, satisfying flavor
of Postum and also the better health which re
sulted. And, too, we were surprised to find how
many of our neighbors had made the same dis
covery had learned the value of "health first."
Postum comes In two forms: Instant Postum (in tins)
md instantly in the cup by the addition of boiling wattr,
Postum Cereal (In packages of larger bulk, for those who
prefer to make the drink while the meal is being prepared)
made by boiling for 20 minutes. Sold by all grocers.
Postum for Health
"There's a Reason"