Newspaper Page Text
REPUBLIC, SATURDAY EVEXIXf. MAY 7 1887
BILL NYE CORRECTS AN ERROR.
How h Crre4iultiit f,ncAtx. Him In
tlie WrtMijj Mansion.
It you will eit-ue nw for IntrYkln inff
purely personal matter, I noiikl like to
inakt an t iplanation at thiN tiint whivli con
ccrna me, of courw. morn than ny one el,
ml et it ought Ui 1 iu1 in the interest
of general jutite nl-o. I refer to a recent
Article publUlnyl in a western tair ami
liAndstniiHlr illustrated, in which, amnii
others, 1 find u pMiire of my rvKidence
The description uliieh accninpc...it the cut,
among other tump, Knr on to -tate as fol
lows: "The Ktnicture is elaUirnte. maive
Biul .autful It convi-.tH of three stories,
lkament ami ntti and cover a I-irge aiva
on the ground. It contain hii elevator, elec
tric 1.K -teftin hrtitingarraniteinfiits, lmth,
hot and coM, in every room, vWtric lights,
laundry, tire e-aiH, etc The ground con-
it of at least lh acres, orerJooking tho I
rnerfor &evertti mile up and doun, with
flue .mating and a private flh p.tnd of two
acres in extent, containing every known
vai iety of game flh. The grounds are finely
laid out in handsome drives and walks, and
wbeu finished tha establishment will tie one
of the :no!l complete and beautiful in the
No one realizes more fully than 1 the great
power of the pre for good or eviL Kihtly
umxI the itewjifljer can make or unmake
men, and wrongly used It can be even more
niter. I might wiy. knowing this as 1 !ot I
want to tie placed right lefore the people.
The above U not a correct description of my
house, for several reason. In the first place,
it is larger and more robust in appearance,
and in toe second place it has not the ame
tout ensemble as my residence. My house is
Ins obtruiv and less arrogant iu its de
meanor than the one described and it has uo
levator in it
My houe is not the kind that teem to
crave an elevator An elevator in my hou-e
would lowe money. There is no popular
rlamor for one, and if I w ere to put one in I
would have to abolish the dining room. It
would also Interfere with the parlor.
I have learned recently that the correspond -Hit
who came here to write up this matter
visited the town while I was In the wouth, and
as he could not find ine he was at the mercy
of strangers. A young man who lives here
and who is just in the heyday of life gleefully
consented to fchow the correspondent my now
residence not yet completed. So they went
over and examined the new Olit er Wendell
Holme bmpital, which will be completed in
June, ami which is of course a handsome
itructure, but quiet different from my house
hi many particulars.
For instance, my residence is of a different
school of architecture, lcing rather on the
Scandinavian order, while the foregoing lias
. i ..... .-. .-. i i
, . . '. . . , . t ,
i tendency toru tn. Iromr. Tb. hospital
. . ,i '
t.hll. tnr..!.l.nr. in it .nrhitwrf iir.1 m.rli- i
od and conception, (om back to the time of
the inounJ builders, a time when a Gothic '
hole in the gixmnd wai considered the inac 1
num bouum and the scrumptuous thing in 1
rr. If the ivftder will co aroand behind the
tlure buildini; and notice it carefully on the
ea.t kide, he will not discover a dried c(on
kin uailel to the rear breadths of the ivoud 1
shed. That alon. ought to convince an ob
serving man that the house is not mine. The.
coousMu regardant will always be found em
blazoned on my arms, together with a blue
Goddess of Liberty and tuy name iu green
India ink. 4
The front part of my boue runs back to the '
time of rolypus the irst, hue the L runs
back as far as the ci-teni.
In cltvinp, let me say that I am not finding
fault with any one becau.. the ulxire error
has crept into the public prints, for it is really
a pardonable error, after all. 2sei jer do I
wiu to be considered as striving to eliminate
my name ironi me columns 01 toe pres lor
no one couia De more uceieu man i aiu over 1
a friendly notice of my arrival in town or a
timely reference to my courteous bearincauil
yiHithful appirance, but 1 'want to ms the
Oliver Wendell Holmes hospital succeed, and
I come out u this way over my own sig
nature and admit that the building don not
belong to me, and that, so far as 1 am con
reraeil, the man who files a lieu on it ill
simply fritter away his time. Bill Nye iu
New York World.
The IiistlrittloD of Mnslc.
Lady John, how dare you whistle svheu
you are out with met
FooUnan Oh, well, ma'am, 1 only thought
we could march better with a little music.
Seen T!tliKh llirTerenl Siectae1es.
Hon-s? Hunter 1 lite the looks of the build
ing very well. This is a gcusl, .juiet neigh
borhood, 1 presume
Owner One of the best iu the city. My
own bouse is jnt above. On the other side,
here you see those little folk- ilavuig. Mr.
Billis. tho insurance man, resides. The chil
dren, however, aie charmihs: little jieoplc.
You don't object to children, I hoiie.
House Hunter Not at all. I have six of
Owner (frujidly) Ah! that makes a differ
ent. I'm afraid I can't let ou have the
bouse. Can you lind your way out! That's
ri-;ht. Turn the knob to the left. Chicago
1...1rel, It tsll.Hll.l
-I not ice." said a clerKynian's wife to her
husliatid. "ibat it is no louder fashionable for
the minister to kiss the bride at the wedding
-Y.'s,"' sadly reponded the good man,
"many of liie pleasant features connected
with the wedding ceremony have lieen le
-What's thatr demanded his wife, omin
ously. "I mean I mean," be stammered, "that
the senseless custom of kivsing the bride
should hav e ls-u abolished long ago." All
tbe Year Houn.L
ot Miifi. of lEercotmneml
Rife Manufacturer The safe was
Mr. Dopper.tefmer Yah, it wash
Safe Manufacturer Hut the lks were
i.ot burned f
Mr. Dcpjiuiiheimer Xo, .ley was not.
Safe Manufacturer Ah, that's good! Ill
vnte a statement to that effe t for you to
Mr. Doppenbeimer Dot wash all right, j
.But may : I lelter tol 1 vou dot dose Usiks
Yashin in do safe. Dey wa-li at my bru.idei j
lwc . urechiocws aw a . ruu.i.teJmj v-an ;
The City or Itei.ige. i
Teacher (in n Sunday school class) Can
any of j ou tell me w here the Citv of lief ug
Small Boy I know my mother told me '
all about it. I
Terher iTell. Johnnv. where is it!
Km.ll ILiv I've fore-otlen the name of the
nlace. but it's where Cousin Bob and thci
other defaulters have gone to. New York
S..HIJ. Vflthoul Words.
It Ls au affecting sjwetaele, u deaf a d
dumb school on commencement daj', siugi .g
-We Never Seak at Wo Pass By" with their
fingers and thumbs. We .-an't rvniemler to
have ever heard such a sight, but from all
accounts should there be uny such accounts
extant it must Us one of the mist iatbetic
B-a-ou ever listened to.-Burdette.
- ?& S3&
So j on wouldn't like to be a minister,
Bobby, when you grow upP remarked Mr.
Whiterboker nt the table "No, indeed, re
sponded ItoUo. emphatically "And why
iiotr in-1-.teil Mr Vhitechoker, amuse! at
the lad's earnest in. "IWause ma says s.Lj
alwujsfeelt orr for country mhiMersan
that'b the rejiMtn she ha-, you hero to dinner
v of ten. Drake's. Magazine
ItlU Arp Goes Flfclilug.
I am gom fishing to-morrow ami stay all
day. I wll rig up n big wagon and take the i
children along and a basket of lunch, and we
will h-h and frolic and gather flowers and
eat and Ulk and laugh and get dirty all day
long. Tlie fc.gus are all right, for the dog-
wool is in bloom and the wind is in the south
and it is the dark of the moon, and 1 think I
see myself just j-'rking the biff bream from
under the log. I'arl knows every hole in the
creek Hint he can catch more fish than I can
and don't try half as hard. Jusie wants to
pick flowers, and re promised her she may
wado in the branch, but her mother don't
know it Jrssie comes to me and Carl goes
to his mother for favors. What a pity it is
tliat grown folk can't be children once or
twice in awhile and wade in the branch too.
The next turn Judge Bleckley goo to
Screamer mountain to Ik a loy again and go
barefooted and make hickory whittle and
chestnut fifes and catch spring lizards and
craw tUh ami climb trees for birds' eggs, and
I T7 "T , . ,, K 7 ..
renwiutu mm auu uik angeuca aiiu kui
snakes and wreck hornets nests and tight i
I valler jackets, I'm goiug with him. Tin tired '
of playing man all the year long without a
recess. It is a ortof hypocritical life. I envy
, the children. The Scriptures say "unless ye
! Ik.- s one of the httlo ones, ve shall not cet
. . . , . . . i .1
iu urai. uu Ik . tauiu ui ui?.:tij. aiiu Kuiztrr-
fore I'm goiug a fishing Atlanta Constitu-
Circumstance Alter Cases.
I - V Sf i
"Un that the geiitlemen who paid our fare
.nd was so polite the other nlghtr she a&ked
jn a whisiier. Y
res." 'And why does he
treat us so coolly to-nightf "Huhl he has
his reasons. That's bis wife with him." De
troit Free Press.
1'aitll Hejond Slclit.
Each one of the two comedians, Messrs.
Kobson and Crane, has n little son, and they
are profound admiiersof one another, albeit
they arc as unlike as black and n bite. Master
Stuart Uohson Crane is a prodigious ro
mancer, while on the other hand Master
William Crane Uobson is as practical and
as matter of fact a lad as you could expect to
meet in a Sabbath day's journey. Out at
Omaha the other day the Craiin youngster
n as ti-lluig one of hi. customary u hoppers.
"Y." said he, solemnly, "wbeu I was in
IphWKh last summer I saw a boy lick John
At this boll and bald proposition young
llobson's loner juw fell about MVen inches.
"You don't lielieve it, thP asked juung
"Oh, yes,"' answered Master Kohson, in
prompt loyalty to his little playmate, "oh,
yes, I l.'heie it if yoa saw it, but I wouldn't
believe it if I'd wen it." Chicago Nes.
Triumphant mm Usual.
Omaha Wife Yes, that's the way it goes.
You'll lie sorry some, day you didn't take my
udvice. If my first husband had done as I
told him he would have been alive to-day.
Second Husband Oh! He would! You
told bim nlways to lie in at 8 o'clock, I sup
jiose, but if I remember aright he shuttled off
this mortal coil about IU o'clock in the morn
ing -I told bim over and over again to stop
smoking, and he wouldn't do it."
-Well, he didn't die of tobacco if I know
anything about it. He was blown up in an
-Yes, he sat down on a keg of powder with
a pipe in his mouth; so there now." Omaha
A Correct Diagnosis.
Young Man (to medium) 1 want you to
tell me what is the uiattcr with me.
Medium It will first Iw necessary to de
posit f 1 to propitiate the spirits.
Young Man (dolefully) A dollar goes.
Medium You do not sleep well, j'ou have
bad dreams and you are gloomy and medi
tate suicide every day.
Young Man (in great surprise) Correct.
Medium Take this stfrtlej envelope open
it only in tbe privacy of your room within
you will find u diagnosis of your disease.
Young Man ioue hour later. Opens en
velope and leads) Pie for supper. Phila
The Unappreciuttve West.
Sew York Girl And vou l rally were a
guest at the castle of an English lord!
Omaha Man Yes, I bapjiened to have
business witn bim iu connection w ith u land
j S3"ndicate, you know.
"How lov Wy it must have been. And you
' really dined and slept in au old baronial
j "It must be the very brightest page in your
) memory, isn't it!"
"Well, I didn't catch cold and didn't get.
bitten. Omaha orld.
The cashierof a Chinese liank tried to leave
nlih the funds for Jajsiu or some place
on the American plan the other day, but it is
not (lievej that the custom will become.
popular. The government walled up the I
cashier in a cell to starve to death and
cbopsl oft the heads of nil his family. And
next fall they are going to decapitate every- t
boiy m tnecuipire waring ms name. uaioia
Ai. Optical lielnslon.
British Naval Officer I have heard a good
deal about your Afieiieun torpedoes, but I
never saw one before.
American Naval OHicer You have In-tter
eyes than I have if ou can see one now.
"There is one oil slut board; vou must 1m
"Great St. Perry! sir; that's a man of
war." Omaha WorhL
Tl.a ,in.,(i .r I Il-r.i-' .V Irl-im... ...ull n
be the strongest wood; the lightest and most
brittle M the Llue wood of T
.taluarack isU.e iuct eiasUc.
exas. aud the I
f2a,ssjL"- "y a.
?Xf?iiJ&L j wA JSS 1
MRS. M'CINTY'S CREST.
Two Itam Argent en a SaM Shlrll ne
Ilnwu Ton 1). the Other lTp 'I own.
Tvo jearsago Jlargaret Mcflmty. matron,
WAhed lur children and entered Mviety.
Mctlinty, iwit, ctmtinueit to watr h the till in
his two jtalAtial Iwirrooms and, sctining w
ciety, sought only such honors us lie in Amer
ican politic and the profits, such as evading
the license law and distributing iwtronage,
that lie in "Imlooeuce. Mrs. McCiinty, how
ever, went to Europe, put Maggie and Mary
in a "pinshm" at 1'aris, and did Kwitrei laud
and the logs of her ancestors with uuatiating
enthusiasm and iudtctiious Itnpartiality She
came lnck nxtntly, the joung ladies having
Iweu polUhetl till they shone, and settled down
in her new mansion, nttir the big cathtslral.
The first stumbling Uock that atllicteit her in
her conquest of New Voikwas note Mler,
and for note er she started la"t week.
Jn looking overTitfuuy's sample book -he
struck a lifautiful green cret, with birds and
tiling1. It delighted her
4T1I take that waii," hho said, with indif
ferent majesty. From her manner she ap
peared to have Itought thouanUof ciests in
"But it really, madam, saVl the clerk,
"that is Mrs. Van Spaiikeitiomu's. It her
own, ou know.'
"Ah fare drd she git itf aid the lady.
Indignantly. It apiieaml that it might have
tieeii stolen from her.
"Shea they look them up in books-, you
know. Everybody ha a crest, you know
Av course I know, said Mrs. McOinty,
, TOntcniptIIOU,iy. IUlt aM iw
;,i ,lf fi1M ..lt-f.v. i.i.,
same, as she
ay like an Iruh
flleon trvlRhtvd .lh m and precious
' stones, she was angry ana mort JeiL r,very-
lody had one. Where was, hersf By luck
she went into Breutauo's, and iu Brentauo'.
she found it.
On the showcase was an artistic design for
framing, consisting of a shield with liars,
1 aratiesimes, a helmet, a coronet and four
j zoological nightmares uitb rod tongues. .Mrs.
I McOinty gazed at it liuugiily. She controlled
' her feelings, however.
j "What's the proice ar that thing theref"
' she said, with an airy smile.
"It's not for s;ile, madam."
(lorra, 1 thart shtnres wa fursellin," she
sahl. with famt but amiable sarcasm.
I "We ciuid make u ctpy of it -for 3'ou,
"For how inm-hr1
"Twenty liie dollars."
"It's not the money I'd motnd, but it's goin
aHayeat 1 aith, its a purty picter now
to hive in the frint parlor. Wliv ilon't ye
j sell me that .111' uint aucdther wan.'"
, "I don't know," said the clerk doubtfully.
"Here, wrap it up. An' yo uaileut moiud
! the change," .he said, pushing three ten dollar
bills nthuiL And she got it. She went kick
J to Tiffany's on the wind. She went straight
to the clerk and handed it to him.
"There's me crit," said she, with aristo
Heliowed and unwrapped it. He was a
little puzzled, for it seemed somewhat fa
miliar "It is pardon me this is tho McGinty
"Av conrse. What would 1 be doin' wid
"Two liarsT asked he. It had two bars
argent on a shield sable.
"Yis. Two bars," .he said, annoyed. "Wan
on Fourteenth street an' wan on Fifty third
an' Siith aveney. Ye can see for yourself."
"And three lionsr
"Xo lions at alL What is it ye're tarkin.'
Them's bulldargs, Mike, Andy an' l'at.
They're in the wood ched at me residence, an
ye must know."
He said no more, but tilled the order wi'h
only a saving modification. Mrs. McGinty
now has quite as a good a crest as anybody,
but there is an old Dutch family uptown that
are strangely agitated. Knvelopes long and
loud are floating about the city with a crest
strangely like that on the market gardener's
boat of their ancestor of the Se enteeuth cen
tury, and ujion the altar of 'American bullion
thej are sacrificed. X.w York Times.
Countryman (to dime museun. freak) Are
you the wild man of the Uonieo woods!
freak No, sir; I'm the horned man from
the fastnesses of tbedark continent. Wanta
pbotographotilytvveiityli'ceirsf Countryman Where"s your horns!
Freak 1 had a headache an' took 'em off.
The photograph has got 'em on sir New
Yoi k Suu.
The Sick Editor.
Dtvtor (to professional nurse) Well, how
is be this morning!
Nurse Weaker, doctor. Been s ery low all
night, and look? now like he was comatose.
Doctor How's his temjierature!
Nurse One hundred and two degrees.
Doctor How's his circulation!
Editor (with a fearful yell) Biggest in New
York! Biggest in the universe! Want an
affidavit 1 Burdette.
The Truth or It.
Miss C.s.'kett Yellow roses are supposed
to indicate ftirtatiousness and muss roses love,
do they not, Mr. Neversmile!
Mr. Neversmile So I'm told; and white
roses means silence.
Miss Cockett Well, what do these large
cabliage roses and Jacks menu!
Mr. Neversmile Bankruptcy, Miss Cockett
bankruptcy every time Harper's Bazar.
TI.e Unwelcome tlese.l.
-Hello, Prettynian, are you stopping at the
I.aclede!" "1 am staving at the l.arlr.1,', but
1 am not stopping anywhere." "Oh, that's
so. I didn't know. The clerk told me you
slopped paying board last Christmas and
hadn't showed up a cent since, so I reckoned
you might call it stopping somen here. Bur
dette, l'rl.le and Its Kail.
First Omaha Child (proudlvl We'ro going
to St Fashion springs this summer.
Second Omaha Child (sv lupathetically)
IV sorry your sijia is so ioor.
-Why, is that lieing -worr
0f course. Wedoift have to go to any
springs. We've got n filter." Omaha World.
Probably a "Campaign Lie."
First I.wly Voter DM you u-e tho-.
ballots I gave jou to vote, yesterday!
Second Lady Voter No, I didn't, Maria,
I'm ashamed to say. They made such beauti-
fil curl papers, I couldn't bear to waste 'ein.
-Jlurliuiton (Vt) Free Press.
('oi.iillments of the Season.
.Sir," exclaimed irate Mrs. lilitlins, as sho j
' gathered her skirts about her, "I told you to
j stop nt this crossing. What do you mean by j
carrying 1110 uyf in give you to understand
that I'm Mrs. BliHlns."
-Ah. verv hal.tiv- tomeet vou. .Mn ItliHlns I
' FrnToiu Jclmu, V-Jim Judv,
The rirtlires All lllKlit.
BR'ER GARDNER'S TALKS.
aluable Rus;gctlnn on HygIBl7n
satUfartorj tlotinons Fsars.
A communication from Niles, Mich., from ,
f. prominent colored barber, stated that the
subject of hygiene was leing very generally J
discussed jut now, and he desired the Wme )
Kiln club to post him in all the leading
The secretary was instructed to mail him
the following printed circular, issued several
I. It's onhealth. Air mn' .Ian eieht l.nssotw
to sleep ill de same loom to :n.-e onles. a win- irtment of Kansas and Missouri Tlie uier
der isiiz. age niiiiilierof ii.plii-anttea.h.illli'BisBbout
i De leadin' Iwtanists of doalge concur M1'y month or two i-r .lay. In .i.utr..ver
dat dogs shouldn't l 'lowed to sleep under1""" "f th "lrtt l'l "laHy ente.tuin.sl, that
de lil iu summer. ! nun',' "" '""'y who .iune along was abvays
3. Some folk Is iiealtby when they slee1 in H"-I't' " thegoveninient ie-ruituig ..IH.-e-..
a nightgown, an' Mime isn't Use your own l " '"5 'igeiit said. -Why. out of
judgment I 'he sixty or inoie applicants every mouth, ws
4. A pusson's f.?t should be washed jist as ' '""""' ""'"'I'1 "K,lv ,l,n" "1" "" '. indeed,
often as be kin afford de soap .u' water. It Un "'wptabto levniits a month lm, !
or' a good plan to srrae do soles wid an ole
5. Sneet cake, floatin' inland, roast duck,
quail on toast, ice cream, cream puffs an'
' sich tend to produce nightmare an' ooniump
shun. 0 All pu-isons should take a liath when dey
kin do so wiilout hurtin'deir feelins. Be Leer
f ul not to slosh too much water arouu.
Kider L'nsaiisfactory Johnson securl the
! floor to make an inquiry. He had read in the
' papers that the Adventists had predict! the
ending of the wot Id on May tj. It was a
, matter w hich made him a little anxious. He
didn't care to live here after the world bad
eutled up. He had some debts to collect in,
and be wanted to remove his family across
into Canada before the calamity occurred.
If the club had any official mformation to
give him he would be greatly obliged.
"Bruoder Johnson, do you know how by
law o. 27b reudsr asked the president.
! "Xo, sab.
1 "Wall, it reads dat any member of dis club
1 who believes dat de world auigwiue to eaild
J up kin be lined all de way from forty cents
I "I I didn't know it'"
I "So, I suppose not. After de meetin' ad-
j Jkmrns I wunt to see you in de cloak room. I
want to foel of your head an' try an' find out
1 what has softened it. Meanwhile I kin assure
you dat dar am no cause fur alarm. Jist go
right ahead haulin' ashes wid dat ole mule o'
ours bv day and hangin' roun' de co'ner
I grocery o' nights, an doan' let de 'Jth day of
May worry you a bit"
The elder sat down with a sigh of relief,
and acting upon the whispered advice of
Samuel Shin, he slid softry out while the 01m
club were singing and thereby escaped the
contemplated "feeling. Detroit Free rrets.
j Tli. Poet Wou the llet.
I Author (timidly) I see that the price paid
1 for Tennyson's jubilee ode was 10 a line. I
! don't expect, of course, that this little effort
I of mine would be
' Editor (sal castically) Oh, you don'tl You
j are too modest, sir.
I Author But if you will kindly iiuert It in
I to-morrow morning's paper I'll willingly pay
you tho regular advertising rate of tlf ty cents
I per line. Here's the money fit).
j Editor (w ith deep feeling) My dear sir, on
i looking over the poem I find it full of merit
I I'll take It
I The author, having made a liet of $50 with
: thenval publisher around the corner that
I bis xjeui would bu accepted, walks out of the
office HO ahead. -Chicago Tribune.
Judge Your thne has expired. I hope I
shall r.ot see you here again.
Regular Customer Not see me here again?
Why, boss, ain't going to resign v our iosisli,
are you! Tid Bits.
"Oh, how little we foolish women know
what we are dooming ourselves to when vse
unite ourselves in wedlock," sighed Mrs. Nag
ger the other da 3', when her husband sug
gested that a little more economy might not
lie a bail thing. "Hero I've been toiling and
slaving all ury life, trying to skimp and save,
and here you are always preaching economy.
I could have married half a dozen rich men,
too. It's my opinion that no man has a right
to get married until be has a horn, to which
to take a w ife."
"You think he ought to hare a home first,
"Yes, 1 do. Before be (rets the bird he
ought to have the .-age all ready."
"Well," snarled Mr. N., "1 dont see it that
"Of course you don't. Men never do. They
think it's only a woman's plac to work her
life away for them."
"No they don't," he snapped out. "That
ain't where the trouble is. But before a man
goes to blowing hi.uself on cages and things
he'il find out whether he's got a canary bird
to put into it or a darned old poll parrot that
'lid chatter the life out of htm it he got hor
board and lodging in the apartments of
Queen Victoria." Merchant Traveler.
Jogging Her Husband's Memory.
A hustiaiul was sitting ill his store at Mari
etta when a letter iu a familiar handwriting
was handed to him. It was from his wife,
whom he had left at horn, that morning with
every assurance of affection and devotion.
But the very first sentence startled him, and
as he read on the most horrible suspicion
-I am forced to tell you something that I
know will trouble you, hut it is my duty to
do so. I am determined you shall know it,
let the result be w hat it may. I have known
for a week that this trial was coming, but
kept it to myself until to-day, when it has
reached a crisis and 1 can keep it no longer.
You must not censure me too harshly, fo
you must reap the reward as well as myself.
I do bow it won't crush you. The flour is all
out. Please send some this afternoon. I
thought by this method you would not forget
She was right. He didn't. Savannah
All the 1)1 (Terence In the World.
"No, sir," rtiuudered the old gentleman, "I
have made up my mind that my daughter
shall never marry a man who plays poker."
"She might do a great deal worse, sir."
"Impossible, Poker ha) proved tbe ruin
ation of thousands of men, and its victims
never recover from tb Infatuation. She
could never do worse."
"Excuse me, sir, but I'm sure she could.
She might marry some fellow w ho thinks he
plays poker "
The old man thought It over. Washington
I Illll Arp and Josh Hillings.
Our friend Bill Arp is to lecture in New
York. He deserves a fine reception. It is
said that Bill once went to the metropolis,
just after the war, and was called UKin by
Josh Billings, a brother humorist. They aat
silently gazing at one another. Not a funny
or serious word passed. Dumbness prevailed.
At last Josh, with a sigh, regarding Arp's
solemn lace said, mournfully, "Say some-
thing, BiU." Auuistou (Ala.) Hot Blest.
. l "e ':'."? of DVumark "" two immense
t duriug his walki und raiublia.
".'": "."."" .e '", s-unsiaiil c-omnaiilolu
I 1 ' S) S I
THE UNITED STATES ARMY.
How It I. Iterrnttril llmr the Men r.
CliH'Aijo, May " 1'iHiple sometimes won
der how. with the deaths a id ihsi-hales
in the arlnv. the leiuii-nts aie kept
up to the minuiiiiin uuinli-r Ibs-ruiting
stations for lth the eauilr and infantry
are maintained in Chicago ear iu and
' J0" "ut ,n secure volunteer, for th lle-
imi-mcidin uiki. n,niij; "M .11. ago luo
jiast four years I have been on duty
here. The truth is, the government is
rigidly exacting iu its acceptance of
volunteers. The applicant must bo both
phjsically ami morally sound, smart, active
aim intelligent, and perfect as to eyesight
anil hearing." I har-nel to l present
while a candidate was examined as to his eye
sight He was seated in a chair. The surgeon
held one baud over the applicant's left eye;
another man, twenty feet distant, held up
playing cards one after another in rapid suc
cession, and the candidate was required to
name the card, bow many spots, and whether
black or red. Then came the examination as
to hearing. The surgeon placed his hand
ov er the left ear of the applicant, ivno was
seated, his race to tlie wall, four feet distant
At his back, some twenty feet distant, the
sergeant read in a low monotone from the re-
vised statutes, and the applicant had to
peat on the instant the words lead. A more
difficult task was the repeating of a false
multiplication table, the iiumlieiY being
rapidly spoken in a low tone by the sergeant,
as for instance, "ine times nine are ninety
nine, ten times nine are seventy-two, eleven
times nine are sixty -four," etc. When dually
an applicant has been accepted, he is care
fully impies-ed with the importance of
the step he is taking, and Is asked
if be has fully considered the mat
ter, and is cei tain that he is willing to swear
nvvnv his freedom for five long years and be
come a faithful, oliedient Federal so,iier for
the mere pittance of Hi a month ind the
allowance for rations and clot lung. The ser
geant informed me that not infrequently, at
the expiration of the five j ears' term, the sol
dier had saved up tl.lOI. " The pay for 2i
years amounts to $J(i, which may all be
saved if the soldier is sutticieutly js.ndent
Thelibeei.ii Kive $' a v ear or rC from bis
allowance for clothing, frequently be had a
considerable extra jay for ri"iug "extra
duty," and liesides. many of the -others play
the iart of teachers, instructing their fehow
soldiers m reading and vvrt'isg and other
branches. When the term of their enlist
ment expires they are allovveii mileage fr
travel to place of rendezvous. But lew ot
them return to the east," rcrunied the er
geunt; "most of theui puivhase land and rat
tle with their money and les-ome full fledged
ranch ow tiers, and Mime become .vefi of? I
am told," the sergeant continued, -that wir
llfths of the ranchmen iu the west are hs
charged Federal soldiers, who have uo occa
sion to regret having entered the gov eminent
service." I. O 11.
HON. EDWARD A. MOStttY
Chosen Secretary nf Hie Interstate Com
mliiii. Special Correpondem )
Honton, Ma j 'J. The Hon. Ktivranl Au
gustus Motley, who was lately appointed
s!cntary t th interstate rommerve tum
misvion, is a wholoome ami active man.
of business, bronzed hv travel and mi miner
fishing and ruddy
i good health
and Rood nature.
He is impiilar hi
home and "ill
doubt lesr. m ak
friends m hi new
and rather ditlicult
portion. He ua
bom iu Xenbury
jort, Mas., March
i, 1VM; his Loiiip
was there till he'
engaged in the lum
tier trade iu IJov
ton, and it n in
ho )u,t married, in l"sz. His wife, who was
Miss lit I teri no M. Prvr-ooit, is one of a talented
family, being a Mter of the well knowu Har
riet l'reseott SrwilTord.
Mr. Motley has bad a singularly varied ex
perience, qualifying him to ileal with all orts
of men. His father, KdwardS. Moseley, was
long an tu-tie merchant in the Kat India
trade in the days when New Kn gland was a
land f sailors anil shipowners, am! as soon
as the Mm was old enough li ears he went
on au India oyagv in the Coringa, the trip
lasting one year. He as.sfd through a severe
attack of fever; but after reoering there
from his system seemed greatly improved,
and he speedily deveIoied into a brawny
man. Eer since he has lieen very fond of
boating, fishing, swimming and open air
sjtorts. In vnimming lie is somewhat of a
champion. He entered the India trade regu
larly as partner of N. A. (odilard,of 1 to-ton,
and continued iu it si years; then formed
one of the firm of iStet-ou, Moseley t Co.,
44 Kilby street, lloston, dealers in Imidicr,
and there he has remained several years.
1'olitirally a Democrat, lie has held but few
oftVes. Iu 1 & 0 hew a elected hv Xewhiirj'iiort
to the common council, served two years and
wttstheu chs-eii alderman. Iu 1.VC he was
elected to the legislature, and re-elected the
next year. Here he took a front tank, and
his kuonltileof rntlnHitU cauM-dliiiu to be a
leading meuilcr in the railroud committee.
i in pi re a no. rrir.
Mrs. Bagley Auivlia, you had better hid
that milliner's bill, and 111 try to shave
enough off the grocer's bill tu pay it. Your
paw is greatly worried over his buuiess af
Aurelia Oh, maw! you don't mean to say
he goiug to fail!
Mrs. Bagley I know nothing for certain,
but lat night I heard him talkiug in his
sleep alout being robbed by a niau named
Umpire and about the men going out on
strikes, aud I fear the. wont. Philadelphia
What It May Com To.
Invalid (fretfully, to his nursei What is
that infernal row 111 the other room? Is any
body getting killed' Who is that calling for
Nurse (reassuringly 1 Oh. don't mind that,
sir. It's Mrs. Dr. IVIlets, Miss Dr. Calomel
and Mine. Dr. Juniper holding a consulta
tion, sir. New York Mail.
Two Iiolieminus are seated in n caboret:
"(Siiix-un, .some water," cries one of '
"Some water?" exclaims the other.
"Why, what will jou do with it:-"
'You must have lost jour head, old
man. Why, when you only get jour feet
wet you cntrli cold. Think of the conse
quences of fretting it Into your stomach."'
Xevv York Graphic.
A Xevv York woman has seut cards to
I her friends ulil jouncing her divorce.
tli a l. w,? l
I al "SBBftBsl SSB SIM sTsBsl
EXPRKSSirn FKKE: 2 lanreTSe hnttli.
whllenr pink, for SI-). To m.iny points 1 bot
tle for 75c. lryjimr tlruKit first Bafd
securt from observ.itionf. Ciuiiru!... AIr.
Ci- 115 Fulton SUN. V
V.it, .Mention this p.aper.
AKE STILL TUIL'MHIAXT!
for Olteen Tears theTharesteadllT ealned I
favnr. and with sales ennslantls- iinre..slt)
have beeorae the most popular corsetthrnUKb-1
out the United Stales.
The 11 quality Is warranted to wear twiee&s f
tongas ordinary corsets. We have latelyin-l
troduced the (1 and R-li gradeswith extra long
waist, aud we can furnish t beta when preferred. I
Highest awards from all the world's great 1
fairs. The hist medal received is forflrstde-I
gree of merit, from the lateexpositlonheldat
New Orleans. i
v hlle scores of patents have been found I
worthless, the principles of the lllove-Fltttng
hare proved tuvaluable.
Hetallers are authorized to refund money. If, !
upon examination, these corsets do not prove 1
for sle everywhere. CatalOKUKe tree on ap
plication. THOMSON, I.AXIJKOX & CO., X. T.
Can only he jireservnl liy keeping the
scalp clean, cool, and free from dan
druff, ami the. Ixxly in a healthful
condition. The great ipul.irity of
Ayer's llnlr Vigor is due to the fact
that it cleanses the scalp, promotes the
growth of the li.iir, prevents it from
falling out, and gives it that soft and
silky gloss so essential to perfect lieanty.
Frederick Hardy, of Koxlmry, .Mass.,
a gentleman fifty years of age, was fast
losing his hair, and w hat remained was
growing gray. After trying various
dressings with no effect, lie i'.iiiiiueiiiel
tho use of Ayer'.s Hair Vigor. "It
stopped the falling out," lie writes:
"and, to my great surprise, converted
my white hair v without staining the
acalp) to the same shade of fcruicu it
had when lnas'j years of age."
Ten Years Younger.
Mrs. Mary .Montgomery, of Huston,
writes: "For years, I was compelled
to wear a dress cap to conceal u lutld
spot on the crown of my head ; hut now
I gladly lay the cap aside, for your Hair
Vigor is liringing out a new growth. I
could hardly trust my senses when I
first found my hair growing; 1ml there
It is, and I am delighted. look Iru
A similar resnlt attended the use of
Ayer's Hair Vigor hy Mrs. O. O. l'res
rott, of Chiirlestowti, Mass., Miss liessie
H. Bedloe, of lliirlington, Vt., Mrs. J. J.
Burton, of liaugor. Me., and numerous
The loss of li.iir may he owing to im
purity of tho M.ssl or derangement of
the stomach and liver, in which case,
a course of Ayer's Sarsup.irillit or of
Ayer's Tills, in connection with the
VlROr. may lie necessary to give health
and tone to ull the functions of the
lioily. At the same tune, it cannot he
too strongly urged that none of the.se
remedies can do umch good without
a persevering trial and strict attention
to cleanly and tenis-rate huhit.s.
Ayer's Hair Vigor,
Irpam! hv Pr 3 C XymrkCo Iwel) Hsu.
bold ty DrugpnU mud lVrfuiuer.
YOU CAN'T BEAT THE
SocacM poaaesisod of aeiiamctiTmttt.
dual acenta for the core of pain and disease.
Prepared from the complete virtuee of freah
Hops. Biirgundx Pitch and Quma. The greatest
Btrvncthenin plaster ever invented. Apply
one to Backache, Crick, ILhenmaUsm, Kidney
Piln. Stitches, Sciatica, Sore Cheat, or pain in
any part, local or deep-acatdd. Cures Instantly
soothes and ttrenjzthens the tired musoies. Ail
ready to apply. Sold by druf and country
store. 33 cents. 6 for H.00. Mailed forprioe
Proprietors. HOP PLASTER CO.. Boston. Miss.
Svocires awA "Ses
ThesslVuhbotrds are made with
a Bent-Wood rim. The Strong
est bosrds and best washers in ths
wurld. 1'or sale by all dcsltrs.
Take do otter.
SAUI.t'AlY MT-C CO.,
H DlSTKBKEED LAKES VHQ USE IT. R
It ! V . l r-.i'ii a I hsv t bv-J, H
H Mtlai A0li'i Pttt,
M Va ijr JAiaiiei k H
H I ty t tl fitt . i -t I t ' . s trmmfiy brlnf Wk
WM tl w' "9 - wiry ' j. i v nan. tn th 11i H
I I '.f lAsMsv s,( al;r '. r iv-ti 1. y Htf "
J "Llslu !'' ki.lt nllritiBMU.(ilhMi ll Itj
H kt tfj-4 Dis- H
H Ji r. ftsX)tt-3idJonj.
I I Ft t).t-.t 4, 'i e i.. iiMitlirrWd 171
mJ M. in.sUs.kftt sj.-i ( iip- . ii Ihs- ftrBsnu. J
M Jwiit Victoria ssvnd Koln Vok. H
J Mhi' frrt -ItsKi-v I J'l If U 'il !! f 1
I I It ui-M i ,-ii t . l-'ll't .(KbUilsu. II
H Therraj. Titieus. H
I I Vim M 1 is,- ii. I'b.s-. 1. k s ,nt.t -mHl., 1
-J ihlLugi.t-n tu Uill(i . -i Ksxtif U. tl
m i'annj Davenport. H
I flnj -IT I tvn . I B.MI ,Ttivrt Tr.Tsjfil. X M
il &!). mJnlyf , ,, i.it-im, iJy limJ. M
WM Jane OvxtQbai.
WM , I '!4rt It f r . . t i . iriilttf litlM
2 ia lux it) IU . .t n
IbJ Afrnr EttiT. M
H If -t ir,'Ijl (,.. 1 U tU tMt strb M
II ifr. D. r Bowers. f
ISB FmtiwMh mi '. M ,t!r, ao. fr U
SM fT" JV"""1 '"" u- ' ' '' 1 L.Itfull5 i.
J Charlotte Thomrson. I I
H 1 V ,U'' '.''-'-. f"T trl. ktn I U
f IriruJa au4 iu, , . WM
IfU SrJett. M
M iTrmft m J " to ti iM- H
III Miimie CaramHic?. l7
U .. fc0UI ' - '"t Sam U y
SSS U..kl. ,, ((J,, ...fc u . i4ta.
Snt am in Ml .u
J--- l UJNCTROUBIESX
CO tffefc.-'O I C0NQUERED i
C HB"y ISWAYNE'S
V&H&rJSL " inJva.ancisEDAiurS
rfB-. frff I TH B JMT COOD rOOO JpURlflEJ 1
1 MtflSnW l, RESTORER
-UJVE FITTING WS8S2rf
I uCujL f
About twenty yars ago I dlscorf red a UUl
sorr on my cberk. anl the doctors pronoum-M
It cancer, IhaTetrtnlanuiatwrof phfalcUo.
but without rpcelvlog any permanent benefit.
The medicine thrj applied was like fire to the
sure, cauaing Intense pain. Iuwi ctatenvnit
In tbe papers t riling what S. S. S. bad done for
others ulrallarly afflicted. I procured someat
ooce. Ilcfurr I bad uM thencond bottle the
n Ubburs could notlc that ray cancer was
hcallfitUip. 11 y general health had been bad
fir twu crthrveyears Ibadahacklnccouxh
and iplt blssud rontlnually. X had a severe
pain In my bnaU After Ukln six bottles of
S. S. S. my couh left me and I grew stouter
than I hid Ufn fur several year. My cancer
has hemle.1 over all but a little njiut about the
lxe of a half dlnw. and It Is rapidly dlnapprar
In?. I Houldaslvisvoevrry on v lit) cancer to
Kivfii-S. :. a i.lr trial.
Mrs. NANCY J. McCUNACOIIKV,
Abt Grove. Tlio-i aiMM Co., IihI.
Frl. WS. ls,
Swift's Specific Is entirely vegetable, and
seems t cure cancer by forcing out tbe lrtu
rltles from the blud. Treall-e on Wo.nl and
SLln DNfa.He maile.1 fre.
THE SWIFT SPECIFIC CO.,
IHtAWF.K :. ATLANTA, lit.
'itcbinir mud MiDiBC.AfcT:
Ola Xmosl at nUhl worw by"
CTTU"binx"Very dwtrmmc If
'allowed tutvutiDU luoiors rormwirli
"SW tfnv.ri-s. ..-,...--
.-iUipei the ttrbinrmnd t-.wl.mf..
T.hta. ulcrrsiioa. and la.i JSr
stnmiiy tasra TnuA
. tb tumors, ftilj
vft fjuruiurm. piii j
'. VT' . .s" .'- ..,' .J"
k.'ssw .........ii n.r mW tk. sm,
-A JJCII - ..- -s,- -
vsSX s,v- y
RAILROAI) TIME CABD.
Ol.v.laiiiSs Colnmboa. Clnalnnatl mad
8 Sight Kxpresi lOam
12 New York & Boston Express -tjaia
vieveiana jt aasiern p.pr..s .411 pni
I New York Limited Express.
9 NlKht Einrs...
1 via. tying uucKeye.
Claelnnatl A Indianapolis KxpreslhU) am
o v,ieveiana(;iccinDatlaxpreu 1.20 pm
5 Clatl.. Ind..St. Louis Jt Kan. Kx JJ pm
9 NUht Xxpreti S.15am
I Cln. Flying Buckeye
3 Cleveland k Cincinnati Ksornss
Mew York. Boston Jk Cincinnati Kx.'iJi pm
ASS1VB rOM SOCTH.
u.nw lotti Boston Limited..
2 Cleveland A Eastern Hmreaa
i Cincinnati A SpdnetleM Accon
imew xora Lamiteaax
No. 12 has thriinvh lu.n... t, V.v Va.s .n.
3 os ton without change.
No. 4 Is tbe famous limited express, com
ied entirely of sleepers, east of Cleveland.
Through sleepers from Stirlngfleld. MakM
Xew Yorkln i)H hours and Boston In SJtf
No. 27 has free Krcllnlng Chair car to tit.
Louis without change.
. u - - H- KNIUHT.
B. H. Tleket and Ocean Steamship Agent.
Ii. I!. MAKTI.V. Arcade lepot,
H. i. A. Sprtajcneld. 0.
W. T, P.nn. Ohio K. B.
All trains run on Central time 3S minute
slower than city time.
TRAINS ARK1TK IROMTUK KAST.
S'o. 3. Cin. & St. Louis Ex.. dally. . . 1:11 a. m
" 1. Accoin-dallyexceDtuaday-10lia.m
" 5. St. Louis Ex.. dally. 4:47 p. m
TXA1SSLEATK OOI0 KAST.
No. 4. New York Limited, daily 10:42 a. m.
" 2. Aecnnt.. dally except Sunday. 5:07 p.m.
" 12. Atlantic Ex.. dally 2:25 a.m.
TIAISS AJBIVK FEOll THK WIST.
No. 4. St. Louts Limited. dally 10:40 a. m.
" 2. Accom..dallyexceptSunday li.ifi p. m.
" 12. New York Ex.. dally- .2:15 a.m.
TRAINS LKAVKGOISO WKST.
No. 3. Cin. Jt St. Louis Ex.. dally. 1:47 a. m
" 1. Accom-dallyexcept Sunday.JO:IOa.m.
" 5. St. Louis Ex., daily ..4:19 p.m.
No.4 has sleepers, but no change of earsln
either case through to New lork. No. Shai
ttiroush sleepers to M. Loais All trains ar
rive and depart from I. B.x U". depot In thli
I (ortlcketstoall points and further Infor
mation, cation J. D. I'HLsutm.
Agent, 72 Arcade.
siIfJI.K BARKEI. SHOT CL'M. .
sIMil.i: HKKLC'll LUAOEU. 4.K
UUUBI.K " lO.Utt
Price ob other cootls la rarorlloa.
PARKER.SMITH and OTHER CUNS
fir.m momma to bhoot cmu
Illostrstnl rtl.tue and Prlc List Mat me,
J. C. IANDLE Jb SON. IZctXK
WANTED SKILLED LABOR.
We have en.pl..nient now resulj for 1,
UOO Carpenters. Kenrh Hands aud 1'lnnlus;
Mill SlHrl.iiiellmi.ls: steady work and best
wai;es to competent men. Hamilton Co. I'tan
Imt.MIU Association, ltnclnnatl.0.
Apple at once, in person or by letter, to any
or the underslsner nrnisat Cincinnati. 0.:
K. H. I.oiiLht-Ad JL Co . Klehmond and Carr 1-ts.
J. U". Cotteral Co.. Ninth and Ilrcidway.
J as. lirimtli Jfc Sons. Hunt ami Abagall &ts.
J. V. A T. 11. Robinson, fseventh and Carr Sis.
Ohio rianltn: .Mill Co.. I'onLurand llaymlller.
Wm. -Mayer. Third ana Rose ts.
Wm. II. Stewart's Sim. Canal and Plum Sis.
Andrews. Stark JL Sutherland. Laureland Cen
A. Morrison 1 Co.. S3 Court St.
.Maxwell, lilnter X Co.. Harrison Are.
Caleb Llneo, Cunimlnsvllle. II.
Loci land Lumber Co., LocklanJ. 0.