Newspaper Page Text
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REPTTBLTC, SATURDAY EVENING SEPTELBEK 24 1887.
THE CHAMPION LIAR.
The snake liar and the flah liar, both bowed la
their pry old a,
Ckme irmrelinff lck from their journey wide,
from their earth wljerlltrTinia,
tr drop stixl in the Mialv liar s ej e, and tba
flsh liar frru&ned In a(n.
And deathlike Kuk of infinite pmf caine oret
the face of the t aln.
I cannot com vie it h the. modem he, the had
ej ed au&Le 1 ar kAiil,
"In iU lim.t.t- Irtvth, and breadth, and depth,
aad I uh that I were dead,
FOr I Ktaod rrlnjlutt with a stianie fatvd look
'neath the triumphant jrazeof the e
Of the- Dewnpapzr afildawt liar with his Jrvula
"For the snake liar, and the thdi liar, and the
horse liar own hi ttwa) ,
And the easy potn; liars ho work by the job,
and the liars ho orL by tbe day.
The traelin liar, old Inhabitant liar, and liars
And liars .k lie for the fuu of tho thins, and
liars bo he for a f
The horse liar, the jvach crop liar, tbe sea ser
pent liar and all.
With thur wide, unt raided mastes of iheek, and
their aounilletu at an of pall.
All bend the knee to the aceptered sway of this
crow tied and perlKS one.
And the Father of lies hoks tenderly down on his
zuot aoLVniphbod son ' Tid Ilita.
CASHING A CHECK.
How a Gentle, LoTely Haflalo Woman
Went About It.
A gentle, lovely woman entered a Main
Street bank yesterday. She wantetl a check
eaahad, so she went to the rvceiwnff teller's
window and thrust the check, in The teller
ahored it lack "Next winder, said he
' winter! I cant wait till next winter
exclaimed the Ia-Ij 'I said next winder,
ahouted the teller, "w 1 n-d-o-w, winder:
tot her winder "Oh, ye, but thu i the re
ceiving window, int itP "Ye., but you
cant get any money here "Hut I'm going
to raceire it, aint If "Not here you ain't;
go to the other winder, lady, he'll fix yoa.
Tbe lady wa still uncertaiiK but he went
and shoved In her check. The polite official
thrust it back. "It's not indorsed, madam,
aaid be. "Not isidorM- What does that
meanT "Is your name TuckerP Frapa it
Is and p'raps it int. What business u that
o jounP "Is this your name on the fac of
'Ins cbeckr "Tea, it is." ell, you've got
V indorse it." "Tim's what ou said before.
What do you meanT You must wnto your
name across the back of it." "But my name's
ya it already. "Not on the back. On
the front. "That ain't enough; it mut be
across the back. 0h, well, gi me it."
She took it and carefully wrote her name
upside down across the ttottoni of the check,
and handed it in. "You indorse! it wrong.
l" Howd I know lion ou wanted Itf
woat CAsnito a cnrcK.
Why dtdnt you tell mef" -I thought I did;
here, write your name across tbe top, so,w
and the teller painfully showed her, and with
tnncb grudging she complied. The teller
thereupon cashed her check with two silver
dollar. "I ain't going to take these," she said.
-Gl' me bills." The teller sighed and gave
ber two f 1 bills, whereupon she picked up
ber parasol and departed Buffalo Courier.
Some Ilackneyed Name.
The casual visitor had dropped in to talk
with tbe editor, and opened by saying: "I
wonder why newspaper correspondents gen
erally select such old. stale and hackneyed
names as Veritas, Observer and Citizen T
"1 don't know. Taxpaver is another."
-Yea. and Vox Popuh."
"I have brought you an article that may
eoUM in handy on a dull day."
"What name did you signP
"More Anon." Lincoln Journal.
Extravagance In Dress.
Husband of Literary Woman How are
you coming on with your magazine article I
Literary Woman le got it almost
"What is It about r
"It denounces the extravagance in dress of
our modern women "
"What are you going to do with the money
you get from it!"
"I'm saving up to buy me a sealskin
aequo. Texas Sittings.
An TJnJu.s Suspicion.
Wife (who has been very silent all through
breakfast) John Smith, y ou talked in our
sleep last night about a Miss Ford. I dis
tinctly beard y ou saj that she was a daisy.
And you the father of a family! Mother
ball bear of this.
John (who had been to the races) Miss
Ford, my dear, is a horse.
Wife John, love, let me send you somo
hot coffee Harper's Bazar.
Bnt Two Painters la the World.
An admirer of Whistler said to him: "Ah,
Mr. Whistler, I only know of two painters in
all tbe world Velasquez and yourself."
"Why." said Mr. Whistler in the softest
tones, "why dreg is Velasquezr The Epoch.
OPENING A CAR WINDOW.
Bardette Tell of Mainline Efforts to
HE prettiest wo
'man in the car
she is always the
one who gets you
into scrapes of this
kind wants the
window wide open
of course, because
there Is a perfect
c clone of ashes,
air ana red not.
three cornered cinders ready to sweep in
on the people behind her. With the
amount of intelligence providence has seen
Ct to burden that sort of a woman she essaj
to open tbe window li d-tiutily catching hold
of the lower edge of the window frame with
the tis of ber fingers and trj uig to upset the
car. The gods alwa s provide a man to help
this pretty woman. Half a dozen men spring
to her assistance. The lucky fellow hits bu
bat, says "May IT in his kilhugest tone,
laughingly remarks that it's all in knowing
the little trick of the complicated catch of a
car window, does the little trick and lifts,
says: "This one seems to work rather re
luctantly," and gives a lift that brings the
blood to his head. Begs jmrdou and sU-ps up
dose to the window, itii grip with both
hands, gnes a yank tint makes eer tiling
turn black and crimson tt'ure his bloodshot
eyes, tugs with the desperation of madness
when he hears the other jiaswngers grunt for
null in mockery ; examines the caUh and lifts
again, till be hears his spine track; his face
is so hot he wants to die, he tries to 1m pleas
ant. Im om ufM tuir liuit burst ill ' i
blood vessels In hit bralu settles Mm; be
swears at the w indow between his teeth, the
woman draws herself up in insulted dignity
and requests him to go away, ana as bo leaves
a brakemau cornea carelessl along, reaches
out for the window without looking at it as
he passes, and tosses it clar up to the roof as
be shouts, "Asylum! AH out for Aylunil"
And one man wants ut get out and stay out.
"A ILLUOVs Or MOST ETCEI LKNT FANCT."
A correspondent, writing from the shore of
the loud souuliug sea, sa)s he "passed an
hour on the sou sands watching the cool beryl
grwii waes frothing into foam flowers as
tbey broke on the snow lieaih of hard white
saud." Well, majbe be did, ma) be he did.
You see h only uissed an hour wheu he saw
all that; after about two days he could see
more He could begin to discern, as through
a glass darkh, masses of slimy kelp that get
around tbe bathers necks and n aka them
think the sea serpent has bold of them. He
could see tbe blue gra stile of tbe castaway
overshoe and the red rusty wreck of tbe
indestructible rustle, the bam bone bleach
ing wlii'r than foam flowers, he could
hear Jie far reaching voice of the
sweet south wind stealing across a bank
of rtrauded weaknsh, stealing and giving
odjr, he might see the man who had lost his
store teeth in the cool, tier) 1 green waves,
and is looking for a good place to die. See
things! Why , after he has len there two
days he can see things in bu bed that for
stimulating properties are as much wakinger
than the beryl green wa es as a corker of old
rye is than a tablessonful of lau lanum. If
tbe corrssjoudent really wants to see really
startling things at tbe seashore be doesnt
want to loaf around on tbe alibaster sands
watching the tier) 1 green waves; be wants to
sneak around and take a peep in at tbe
kitchen windows. Then be can tell what ha
sees, and it will be profoundly interesting,
even with the beryl green business left out.
New York Star.
A boy once said that -dust is mud with the
Juice squeezed out"
A fan we learn fenm another juvenile
sourca is "a thing to bilish warmth off with,"
and a monkey "a ma boy with a tail," salt,
"what makes your potatoes taste bad when
you don't put any on," and ice, "water that
stayed out late in the cold and went to sleep "
A school boy, asked to define the word
"sob," whimpered out "It means when a fel
ler don't mean to cry and it burst out it
self." A youngster was asked to give his idea of
the meaning of 'responsibility," so be said.
"Well, supposing I bad only two buttons on
my trousers, and oue came off, all the re
sponsibility would rest ou tbe other button."
To hit off a jury as "a body of men or
ganized to find out which side has tbe smart
est lawyer," n to satirize many of our "in
telligent fellow countrymen."
A good definition of a "Pharisee" h "a
tradesman who uses long prayers and short
weights," of a humbug, on who agrees
with everybody," and of a tyrant, "tbe other
version of somebody's hero "
A lady's idea of a ballet girl was "an cpen
muslin umbrella with two pink bandies," and
a Parisian's of chess "a humane substitute for
Thin soup, according to an Irish mendi
cant, la "a quart of water boiled down to a
pint to make it strong "
A walking stick may be described as "the
old man's strength and tbe young man's
weakness." and an umbrella a "a fair and
foul weather friend wbo has had many ups
and downs in tbe world." London Exchange.
Birth and Other Marks.
First Stranger Your face is strangely fa
miliar to me, sir. 1 t you a strawberry
mark on our left arm!
Second Stranger Xo, sir; but I have a rope
mars: on my neck.
First Stranger I knew I bad seen that face
Iwfore! I met you in Dakota. New York
It Would Ou as Well.
Caller Were jou about to go out, Mrs.
Mrs. Perkins Yes, but don't let that hurry
Callers-Ob, it nn't of the slightest conse
quence. 1 11 leave urj card Tid Bits.
How to Mauage Conductors
When I want the horse ?ar to stop in front
of the house instead of j;oin, to th next cor
ner,n said a lady, famous for her ttct, I call
the conductor to me in a ery oniflJeiitial
way, and sa, Would you lc kind enough to
asc your man to stop his horses in front of
the We&txnuisterr am he i so delighted to
have it appear that be controls tbe driver
that he will do it for me avexy time." The
Conldu't fecare Her.
He (before the wedding) You are sure
you won't be ntrvous at the altar?
She (four tuned a widow) I never have
been yet. Judge.
Another May of Looking at It.
Cook Shure, mum, Zulu' just afther
bitm' th' liff off av the butcher lyel
Mitrei iVai , deai 1 How dreadfully an
noying. X do bojie he was a clean boy. Mary 1
Told About lr. He thane.
The late Ir ftethune once tuked a morose
and miserly man bon he was getting along.
The man replied: kOh. Mr, I am one of
thoe who take uti lnurest m t eii the xuean
et of Uod. creature The Ej-jcIv
Tbe children. the ftboare theoul r'ch.
Creating for the inotut nt. and jKsv"ssinjj
hateVr the chuue to tvifin. fur till with them
Kind Fancy play upon (he fairy Rod mother,
btrewinjc their lives ith cheap material
For winded borwa and Aladdin' lamps.
lure elfin gold, by niauu'-!'. touch profane
To dead leaves disenchant! LowelL
A Free. on 11 pe.
Mr. Ogtlen Goelet m the owner of a re
markable pipe made of Ivor) It 1- beauti
fully carved, and once- thonged to one of the
old German knights. It probabl worth
1,000 Mr. Gelet preserves it in a glass
case, but occaiona!l takes a whiff fwm lti
capacious lowl after dinner. Hi favorite
pipe, however, is a meerschaum on which u
designed a dei I pisrced by an amter pitch
fork. This pipe U of original design aid
was carved bv at eminent sculptor. It u
urth at least UC New York Evening Sun.
fXlSlH 1 11!
A SNAKE FARM.
virgin lIllnoN Train DevtHl to Itaake
KaUIng by htlrftale.
The great &naU farm at Gaitou, Ilia,, con
sists of forty acres of virgin prairie, owned
by CoL Dan Ster, and is a t.hoit distance
from town. There urv thirty seven mound
of earth on the farm, prepared in fcuch a way
that the naLeb ue ttum for nets, and there
aro about tin r twelve nests to the mound.
Tbe colonel sajs that each litt turns out
about a doz n rattler each year, that his
stock is increasing rapidly. IU has a con
tract with a Philadelphia patent medicine
Arm that is maUmg a rheumatism cure and
furnishes them 2J0 snakes a ) ear at $Vt25
each Xo MiaLe less than four feet long is
accepteti Irfit jenr TUN snaLe were sold,
his customers lieing scatterel through a num
ber of cities. As much care is taken of the
oung Miakcs as if they n eiu laiuba
Tfd bt thk cniLORix "
The newly haU bed snak, if not properly
cared for by their mother, are taken to tbe
colonel's home, located in one corner of tbe
lot, and there fed by the children, who catch
bugs for them about the garden and street.
Sometime the eggs were hatched out under
the stove. A balf dozen very large snakes,
with their fangs drawn, are kept about the
house as pets. They are excellent mousers,
much better than cats, the colonel says. The
colonel wanders atmt his farm, taking no
other precaution against the reptiles than to
wear a pair of thick toots. When a reporter
called on bur the colontl complained that the
neighbors did not come to visit him very
often, and that his wifedidnt like that much,
for she was fond of company, but, on the
whole, since there was plent of money in tbe
business they were ei well content
AT THE HOME PLATE.
High Ball Seventy-five cents admission to
grand stand. Washington Critic.
Tbe opinion of a wiuner 011 the result of a
ball game is apt to bo on sided. New Or
A hot ball is not to be larticularly dreaded
if a man is hungry and lint fih ball. Bos
"Where is my boy to-mghtT sang a Bur
lington mother. Probably at the bulletin
board watching for the baseball returns.
BurUngton Free Press.
Players of the Lrague baseball clubs have
formed a brotherhood to assert their rlgbU.
Tbey ought to be well posted ou strikes.
A Nashville paper says that "tha cream of
the baseball club should be found in the
Ultcber," but it is ometinm found in tbe
jattar. Norristown Herald.
No wonder that all tbe girls ar dead gone
on the game of baseball especially the girls
of uncertain age, wbo hav. posed as (hus
band) "catchers" all their Uvea. Hartford
Milton touched up tbe extremes tolerably
well In "L'Allegro" and "II Penseroso, but
be should have lived to see a Detroit editor
following the variable fortunes of bis base
ball team Chicago Herald.
Telling a Woman's Fortune.
A fortune teller can bit a woman's case
nine times out of ten "You're had sickness
and trouble. You'll have soma property fall
to you You do not have full oonfidenoe in
your husband. Beware! He is deceiving
ou! You have a . err gentle nature. Ev
erybody loves you. You have had trouble
with a relative It was not your fault. Be
ware of a blue eyed woman with a mole on
her left cheek. She will make you trouble.
Good bv fl call again.' Detroit r"re
Honor to f horn Honor.
Waiter Everything satisfactory, sab?
"Tried to get everything right, sah."
"This is as well a cooked meal as I ever
"Yes sab, thought it would be, sah. Didn't
know but maybe you might like to offer a
small fee, sab "
"I really think it would be deserved."
"Yes sah "
"Well, send in tbe cook." Omaha World.
Charley (aged b to his sistei Fanme'a new
beau) Say, Mr. Sophtly, Fannie said last
night that yoj were not such a fool as you
Billy (aged T) Why, Charley, she didnt
say anything of the sort.
Mr. Sophtly I should imagine not, Bdly.
Why did she say !
Billy She said you didn't look as great a
fool as y ou wsre T.d Bits.
Nats Itad Outlook.
"You must understand, Mr. Dumley, in
seeking tbe baud of my daughter," said tbe
old man, "that she will bring you no dowry
until after my death r
"I understand, sir," responded Dumley
hopefully; "but you must bear in mind, my
dear sir, that you are getting well on in
years." Harper's Basar.
An Obliging Applicant.
Housewife ito new dom.'stic) There is one
thing I wish t say to you The last girl had
a habit of coming into tbe parlor and play ing
on tbe piano whenever she felt like it. You
never play the piano, do you 1
"No, mum. But Oi think Oi cud learn wid
a little show in' from you." Washington
THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH.
BUI Nye Calls Upon III. Grace and
Writes su Interview.
nated a pleasant
call upou the Duke
of Marbro at Lb
yVC 7i! A i n ' lougiugs. i write
vSjik jurvA bis name Marbro
VfrnfThlT J? Infamise that 14 tft
way we pronounce
It here at Newport.
In the language of
my ostensibly col
ored friend, Mr.
Itankm, the ama
it Marl bor-ougb, with
while in fact Marbro,
tbe correct pronunciation of the i ame,
is executed with but one grant I told
him I had know n the Marbros in Maine ever
since I was a boy, that we didn't feel ahoe
them then, and it would lie a poor time to be
gin now at my time of lire to look down on
ieople just became I now wrote pieces for
tbe paper, many of which were afterward
printed. We alwa) s thought that the Mar
broe, or Marlboroughs, of Maine, got their
name from burrow uig in tbe marl along tbe
Piscataquis, I said
Then I chattered on with him for an hour
or two without seeming to chirk bun up at
all "Duke," said I at last, "I know what
the matter mast lie with ou you are so
cially ostracized I knew it as soon as I came
into tbe room You cannot disguise it from
me. You are siinMrini fr.ni, s.w.i-1 ,s ,
ana it Is breaking y omion 11 The s-xial de
mands made by America um an imported
social wreck do not gie said wreck time to
eat bis nieaN aud obtain a nrcetsary amount
of rest. I suppose there is nowhere la the
world a climate that is- so tiying on a person
who is suiTering from mk lal ostracism as that
of my native land In other 1 limes tbey give
a social outcast reM, but here be geta abso
lutely no rest whatever"
A long piuse ensud here, during which I
could hear Marbro's nosou tottering on Its
throne. After waiting three-quarters of an
hour, by ni watch, and failing to see that
ni remark had shed eeu a rn of sunshine,
where erstnhlle all was glmnii and chaos, I
gave him my address and told bim that if, in
the future, be ever dmed any beneficial
effects from the alio e j ike, I would be glad
to bae bim comnmnicute with me And
vveu if I were to die tiefoie be could truly
say that be bad been Imietlted by this juke
and grsppled with its keen, uuisive nub, my
grandchildren would lie tickled alm,t to
deith to know that he hail taken it to piece
ami put it together again and found out how
it was built and laughed at its ingenlou
I comersed with the duke for sometime
aliout the way bis visit to Newport bad de
pressed tbe price of real estate, and offered
him tho freedom of New York, hoping that
be could depress the price of real estate there
so that I could bu) some
ME TIMING THE DCKK.
"But," said I, assuming an air of perfect
repose as I flung myself on a low couch in
such a way as to gice a faint view of my new
red socks, "jeu will find it different in New
York. Social ostracism there will not ma
terially affect the price of real estate in the
neighlwrhond of the postnlfice. In fact,
Marbro," said I, regarding bim earnestly for
a moment through the bottom of a cut glass
tumbler, "there is not enough English social
ostracism in New York to supply the de
mand. Come to our joung and thriving
town, a town that is rich in lesources and
liabilities, a town that threatens to rival
Omaha as a railroad center, a town where a
B and O deal has tieen a common occur
1 enos for ever a year; a town where you can
ride on the elecated trains and get yourself
pinched 111 the mm gate by the guard or iro
down to Wall street and get pincLed by the
directors; a town where a man like Henry 8.
Ives can buy about $7,,(.J worth of stuff
that bs can't pay for, while a poor man who
goes into a general store to buy a pair of ear
muffs is followed up by a private detective
for fear he may ruu bis finger into the mo
lasses barrel and then lie k it sy ruptitiously.
"Come 011, duke," said I, growing more talk
atlve as the fumes of bis Kil liquor rose to
my surprised and delighted brauu; "oomeon
to New York and mix up with us and get on
to our waj s
"If ou will give us a whirl, duke." aaid I,
selecting an umbrella from the decorated
clock in the ball and coming back tj where
be still sat, "jou will li. pleased and gratified
with us, and if ou can spare time to come
over and see me personally I would try to I
as oord.al and chatty as you hae been with
me. No man eer entertained me as you
have or sat and examined me through the
bottom of an old microno for two hours,
to be forgotten again by me. Marbro, if you
w ill come to New York we will go and visit
anybody's tomb thit yon may designate."
I then let im self out of the bouse with an
adjustable pass key and hastened away.
Shortly after I got luck to ny own lodgings,
sometimes called a seen and one-eighth
room, a lackey from the duke, wearing a
liery colored licery, handed me a note from
Marbro in w hich be said bo hoped that in
case I usni this interview for publication I
would lw careful to gice his exact language
In my poor, weik way, I think I have done
so New York World.
Hoothlng Her Nervousness.
Nervous Old Lady (to conductor of tbe
train) What's that ax banging up there for,
young mniit It makes me nervous to look
Conductor (i e.isstinngl ) You mustn't get
nervous, msiHin; the ax is all right. In case
wo go throagli a bridge and smash things up,
it's used to chop passengers out with liefore
they get burned to death New York Sun.
It Mislead Two Kminettt Lawyers la an
Tbe following story is told of a couple of
Gotham lawji-s, well known in Troy, who
went down 011 the e cuing trains, one from
the North Woods and tbe other from the
Berkshire hills, and met on the deck of the
steamer shortly nf tcr she had left her elock.
"Hello, Brown," said Blaek, "glad to see
you Got a nimip
"Half a oue," replied Brown "The other
half, ju ling from an overcoat and sachel I
found there, appears to be occupied by some
old batseed who will probably snore all night
aud make life miserable for me "
"Just my case," returned Black; "only I
should imagine from his effects that my
room mate is a tramp."
".such bfing the state of affairs, supjiose
we see if we can get one of the rooms to
gether and let the fanner and the tramp oc
cupy the other," said Brown.
"Agreed," assented Black, and they started
dovi 11 to tbe purser's office and stated their
gnei ance. The purser looked ca'cf ully o er
his books and then remarked, with assumed
"I am sorry for y ou, gentlemen, but as Mr.
Black apjiears to he already sharing Mr.
Brown's stateroom, and vice versa, I will be
unable to do an thing for y ou "
Mutual slosi,-t followed, and when quiet
had lieeii restored Brown accounted for the
seedy appearance of his lielongings y ex
plaining that he had driven several miles
that morning through the mud. and Black
laid the blame for bis rust looking bag on
his wife, who bad mended a broken strap
with a hair pin, and then they went to their
room and sampled a jiortion of tbe contents
of both Ikigs. lroy Times.
Through common Ijin Is, unmindful of its worth,
little missive founj its way to me.
And 1 regarded it half carelessly,
Eeheving that no mure upt'O this earth
a written line could bring me jo or dAirth.
But as I read, a sudden, solemn thrill
Flung tmr me a cold akin to pain;
And cords within me. never struck in vain.
Leapt Into life and swayed m soul at will.
As some slight sapling ou a wind swept hilL
It told me naught I had not known before.
That letter et a tiny, fluttering nope
Till then within m world worn heart had scopsj
For gauzy w inca, u hesse rusy texture ore
The golden glints my early fancies bore.
My lips grow pale where sneers are wont to sit.
Tears fill the e es I thought too fierce to weep;
And all my pride two wurds can overleap
For only two the letter has in it.
But potent, para!zimr- "Hease Remit."
Winter Unnks Don't Pay.
When tbe hot weather disappears it
takts with it the druggist's rev enue from
driukfl Winter drinks don't pay. The
druggists last winter tried several hot
drinks, such as hot soda and beef tea, but
the most of them will sell nothing but
vichy this year. The experiment was a
failure Women don't drink hot drinks
in drug stores, and vt hen a man wants a
drink in winter, whether it's a glass of
whisky or beef tea, he goes to a saloon.
The druggists will be satisfied, after tha
cold weather begins, If their fountains
pay the coot of keeping them in order.
Basna of E. W. Dnraoi'a Joke. T.14 m
E. W. Duraut, Stillwater's senator and
joker, has tieen on a summer trip to tbe sea
shore with his wife, and if the stories that
come floating in from Long Branch are all
true be bail a good time. One day at table a
big musquito of tbe Jersey breed lighted on
the senator's hand. With an expression of
horror and amazement on his countenance
tbe senator beckoned to a waiter and in
"What is ill hy. Its a skceter Didn't
you e er see a skeeterP replied the waiter.
"Kill it!" commanded Durant.
The waiter olieyetL
"Keuiot. the esiriso "
Tbe waiter gave the senator's hand a brush
with a napkin.
"Well, I never saw anything like that be
fore I" solemnly remarked tbe gentleman,
wbo had bewn fighting musquitoes at Still
water all bis life.
On another occasion at table Mr. Durant
observed sitting near bim quite an old gentle
man accompanied by a pretty young Lady,
who he correctly surmised was tbe old gen
tleman's bride. They were on their wedding
trip. Tbe senator gave bis wife the wink and
began to guy the ill assorted pair.
"Are you enjoying your wedding trip with
me," he remarked to Mrs. Durant, "as well as
you did tbe one you took with your first hus
Ha heard the old gentleman mutter be
tween his teeth: "Tbats a devil of a ques
tion to ask a woman in this place."
Tbe Stillwater senator gained fresh inspira
tion from thit, and the way he played the
game of a second husband on a wedding trip
was a surprise to the whole table. Tbe old
man and his darling, however, failed to
relish it, and blushed with an intensity that
caused the ice cream to melt. St. Paul
A little girl, who wanted to describe the
absent mindedne ef her uncle, said: "His
remember is so tired that be has to use his
forget all the time." Boston Journal.
"Mamma," said little Flossie, wbo was
more or less busy at her moraing toilet, "can
I kiss Fido on the nose!" "Yes," replied the
indulgent mother, who was feeding Fido a
French chop, "but not until you aro dressed,
dear, and have your face washed." New
"What a splendid parrot that is of Brown's!
So intelligent, you know!" "Intelligent!
Why, one would almost think him human.
He repeats everything he hears." Boston
la the island of Sumatra a flower grows
which is nine feet in circumference and
weighs fifteen pounds. When a Sumatra
duds goes to lb. theatre be has his bouton
niere brought In by an able bodied valet.
New York Tribune.
In the west "razzooper" has taken tbe piece
of the word boom.
The manager of a Los Angeles newspaper
sent oat tbe following notice on a postal ca-d:
"Tbe real estate boom bas robbed us of nur
edltor, printer and office bey, and tbe man
ager having opened a real estate office, it has
beconio necessary to suspend tbe publication
of this journal until all bands have become
millionaires, which, of course, will be in the
near future V ntil then fraternally yours."
Long John Went worth, of Chicago, says
"the summers nowadays are nothing. On
June 28, 18J2," be continues, "I was living
on the Cooley farm, near where Kinsley's
restaurant now stands. It was so hot that
we had to hang tbe thermometer In the well
and keep fanning it to prevent it from burst
Mr. Carter Harrison was one day talking
about tbe boys of Chicago whom he knew.
After naming scores of tbem and dwelling on
the characteristics of each he said: "And
then there's my boy Cato " For a moment
be paused and then added: "Well, Cato Har
rison's the only boy in Chicago whom I don't
know T New York Tribune.
A President's Prwaatloa.
Cashier Mr. Draft, I wish a vacation. A
brother of mine is to be married at Montreal
tbe last of next week, and I hope to be pres
ent at the wedding.
Bank President Very well. 111 see if we
can arrange it.
C Thank you.
B P. (returning to his private office and
accosting bis secretary) William, I wish you
to call iu Mr. , the expert accountant who
examined tbe bank's books last year, and tell
him I will require bis services for a few days;
and also step into Pinkerton's and have them
send to me one of their most capable and
trustworthy detectives. Boston Budget.
A Tiresome Evening.
Omaha Girl Isn't Mr. De Blank funny!
Omaha Youth I noticed you seemed to
"Why, he has kept usj laughing half the
evening. Didn't you enjoy his wttr
"I found it very tiresome."
"Tiresome! Oh, you don't mean it. I
know you have a keen appreciation of humor.
Why didn't you enjoy Mr. De Blank's jokes!"
"Well, tbe fact is, be takes tbe samo funny
paper that I do "Omaha World.
A wee maiden, as many other small chil
dren have done, had the misfortune to fall
down stairs the other day, and in landing at
the foot that part of tbe anatomy commonly
denominated the "funny boae" came in con
tact with the wall with more force than was
calculated to make a comfortable impression
On being picked up aud asked if she was
hurt, she rubbed her arm for a moment and
said: "No, but usy elbow is awful dizzy."
Dow. at Long Branch.
Highwayman Hold up your hands! Bill,
cover him with that ere gun. Now, sir, shell
Gamboge (with a hollow laugh) My dear
fellow, I've been here four weeks.
Bill (in tbe bushes) Let him pass. Jim.
He ain't got nothiu' v aluable about him.
A Poor Kxcus. Is Better Than None.
Jack Ethel, I'm ashamed of you. I saw
that Frenchman in the conservatory kissing
you repeatedly. Why didu't you tell him to
Ethel I couldn't, Jack.
Jack You couldn't! Why not!
Ethel I can't speak French. Judge.
Wontlcrs of atnr. and Art.
American Tourist Oh, yes, oui, oui, I vis
ited Paree, of course.
Great Traveler Did you see the Alps!
"Veil, no "
"There is a remarkable echo in the High
Alio. It is on the Italian side, and no mat
ter what language you shout tbe echo always
ciimes liack with an Italian accent.''
"Eh! Isect not wonderful r
"Well, scientists agree that it is not more
wonderful than tbe fact that Americana wbe
hav e been in Paris a week alwa s come back
with a French accent." Omaha World.
Advlee by Charles Duilley Warner.
"In making up a party for a traveling ex
cursion," said Charles Dudley Warner to a
friend who was planning one, "always be
are to have it include at least one ignorant
woman. She will ask all the questions you
are ashamed to ask or think you don't need to
ask, and you will secure tbe benefit of a vast
dealof information you would otherwise
lose. Tho Epoch.
ot Easily Frightened.
Ward Touch (who is "coin' ter have some
fun wid derdude, fellys") You see dat arm!
Tough What'd you do 'f yerbedamaul
Reporter I think I'd wash it. Tid Bita
Being unable to see all who wished to consult him upon
his last visit to Springfield, will make a
SPECIAL RETURN VISIT
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30,
AND CAN BE CONSULTED AT THE
FROM 1 A.
CONSULTATION FREE AND INVITED.
WHEN YOU WANT COAL OF ANY KIND, GO TO
WHELDON & MERRILL,
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL DEALEXS 19
GRAND OPERA HOUSE. TELEPHONE 276.
BRANCH OFFICE AND YARDS:
CORNER WASHINGTON AND MECHANIC. Telephone 254.
POPULAR SUMMER RESORT.
Directly on tbe main line of the
NEW TOhK, PENH. & OHIO R. R.
IX. Y.. L. E. Jt W. R. R Co . Lessee).
Mldwaj Between ClDcinaatl and New
York Highest Natagahle Bid;
or Water ob the Coatlneat.
1,W feet above the Ocean and 723 feet
above Lake Erie, distant seven miles.
THE CLIMATE IS PURE AID IIIIGfl8nTIIBSbSttgpr2Fl.ip;
i t Haw York Limited sUpreas Vttpai
Tbe lake Is twenty miles lone and from one
to three miles wide, takewond, rluvanna.
(Irlffltb's l'olut. Bemus Point. Ilaj Mew.
Ravenswood. .Martha's Vine ard.Chautauqua
Point Chautauqua. Lone Point. Msplef-prlDK
and Woeglin are amoDK the different resorts
on tbe Lake, patronised by the summer visit
ors There are good hotels at even point.
The Famous ChawUnqna Aswr-snblj
Has Its headquarters atChautauqua Lake.and
convenes In Jul? and August of every year.
One of the most nouular resorts on the lake Is
Here all passenger trains of the New York.
Peunsvrtaula and Ohio Railroad stop durlnt
the season, tt being the Chautauqua Lake sta
tion, and the distributing point tor the entire
lake, there are two hotels at Lakewood. both
of Immense size and capable of accommodat
ing five hundred guests each. Numerous
steamers are constantly Dlylcg the Lake,
transporting visitors to all points. loose In
search of a pleasant resort to spend tbe sum
mer months cannot nnda more convenient or
delightful place than Lake Chautauqua.
Via New York. Pennsylvania and Ohio Rail
road, are ou sale at all local stations an at
stations of connecting lines from June 1st,
good for return until October 31st.
J. R. SU ALER. (len. 'apt . Cleveland, 0.
L. P. V RM bR Uen. Pass. Agt . New York.
A. K CLIKK. Aist-Oen. Pass. Agt . Cleve
' 7 l"ara
22 rain slower than
Pullman's Finest Coaches on all
Sao Stings, How
qulto and All
aad ererr form of akia
blemishes, posltlvelr osxed
oa tbe eiosi delicate stela
without leaving a sear, ay
Tilse sSess, Mesa, and tl.
fa BMVullfBnTs; Ce-,Msw Trfmrtna. Ogam.
'ur title by All Springfield Orugglsta.
It eools the Blood 1 It gives
It sharpens op the appe-
It atdstbe liver do Its part
Aad stimulate the feeble
Far Sick Headache,
I muliewal. TmUiAiI Iwpn
sur S.nsn BsssSMUr nS er
aeawse reaaslsm. so ram.
fiflisilessi rs. gsirit sstm '
i j L-jBs )
3H". TO O I. M.
RAILROAD TIME CABD.
Plttabnrg. Cincinnati and 8t. Leo Is Ball
way Cosapsmj ran Handle Boat.
Under schedule in effect January m,
lhST. trains leave SDrmcfield. central
I stands rd time for Xenia. Cincinnati and
CoIumbus,7:15 a. m.. for Dayton f7:is a.m.
tor Acuta ana Indianapolis flo:20 a. m.
for Xtnia, Cincinnati, Columbus, Indian
apolis and Chicago, 3:25 p. m.; for Xenia,
liayton and Cincinnati, 45:10 p. m.
, Trains arrive in Sprincheld at f7:15 and
-iu u a. m., Ta.uu p. in. ana u:o p. m.
Dally. fDally, except Sunday.
Sam. Dodds. Ticket Agent.
Oserelaad. Oelasabaa, Claelsmatl sum
i eon soon.
HUM bpresa X-30aa
JffSpa.Cia. Wes.Kx U6a
via. rinnx uee tjs i
Oaelnaatl M tnatanapoMs Japreaf-ILCB a
S Oerelaaa A Clastanatl Express UOpsa
ICtatL. Ind-.Bt. Loali AKan. x .4Ja
1 Cln. flying Buckeye
uereiaaa a unexsnaa Express
u new ion
fork A Boston Limited-
X Cksrelaad A Kaatarn tinisas
m uicuuu m. spnnguia aeooi
Hilt I org usuie express.
la. IX baa tnrooen siaenera to New York aa
Boston without eaaaga.
Ho. 4 Is the famous United express, eata
Doaed entirely of sleepers, east of Clevelan.
Tbroach sleepers frost SprtnaSetd. Make
Hew fork la JDH boon aac Bosun In MX
..,.. svaulteket Agent.
fl. P. A. Sottnamald.0.
AU trains ma on Central time 3B sslaatas
lower than city time.
Taans Lsuva ooiso aiar.
Ho. 4. Hew York Limited, dally 10.2 a. a.
" 2. Accom.. dallyexceptSunaay. 1 S p. as.
No. 8 10 14 p.m.
" 12. Atlantic Ex., dally J.10 a. ss.
rains Lasvs ooiso wssr.
No. S. Cln. A St. Louis Ki.. dally 2.10 a.
" 1. Accom-dallyeioept bundayjo-w a. at.
" 5. bt. Louis ax., dally 3.59 p. m.
Ho. 4 has sleepers, but no change of ears la
either ease through to Newiork. No. 5 baa
through sleepers to St. Louis
Free hack to trains to all points east of, ant
including north Lewlsbarg.
For tickets to all points and further Infor
mation, call on J. D. Phlmss.
. .. Agent. 72 Arcade.
Telephone call 310.
Indiana, Bloomlngtoa and Western stall,
ssxivs rsoa sotra.
1 Cincinnati Express..
. 955 am
5 sandusky and Springfield Ex
3 Columbus .Mall
sativs raoa sast.
1 Night Express ,
5 Chicago. St. L. A Kan. City 11m.
3 Chicago, st. L. A Ran. City Ex
saaira raoa wssr.
2 Eastern Express ,
New lork Limited
DiriXT OOISO SOITR.
2 Lakeside Express..
4 Put-in Bay Express
5 Springfield and Sandusky Kx-
DirAKT OOIVO BAST.
2 Columbus Ei press. . , , ,,
8 Columbus Accommodation....
ft Newiork Limited
OKFAtT GOIIG TKST.
1 .icnt express
5 Chicago. St. L A Kan. City llm
3 Chicago, ot. L. A Kan. City Ex
Ohio Southern KallroaC
saatvs rtoa so era.
3 Balnbrldge Accommodation.
1 Mall and Express
osrsaT ooivo SOCTH.
z Mail and Express.
4 Balnbrldge Accommodation
All trains marked run dally.all others dall
except Sunday, standard time, wmen 11
minutes slower than spr ngfield city time.
D. H. ROCHE.
The Jrst Kaglbfe finnlsn
Cures H'raJhwss. Spermatorrhea,
fkunoni, lmitrcg and all Dis-I
Hi rensiil br self aouae or in-
dssereuoo. une pacsac si. sue aa.
si Br mall, wnte ror rampniet,
km ClsesaJeal Ce., troll.
Callou or address Taes). Ttoopedru
enrner tam ana asanas streets,