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W' v ,: b -1,.V ''-. """"i KEPTTBLTO, SATURDAY EVENING OCTOBER 8 1887. Sw?!S?Jwr t. I TO COUNTY FAIR ORATORS. VU atarte.1 for the county fair, tin ambitious candidate. While his rival wtiit a fUbiii with a flask be la belcsl-halt "Upon the ran tanmNl sons of toil my hfartwith Xlovetheir himi.!" ways, saM be, "aid TrneraU their voU-h. Be mnx liefore the poopK but their ejetfMert all asr. InstraineUeitHH.-tanc3ro w5 the thousand (Jot- lar hog: Hy fellow dHintryiueu, be told. In acivoU lou J and full -A deep, stentorian, might 5-roar cam from the Durham tuill. Qood men from (vbuck county, and bntherf. ine and all" -t thi the ehampiou tlonley brayed from out his neighboring stall; Just then the hon race was announced; the (teople Mrattered .Jo, And a sympathetic Jersey cow looted up at him and highed. Thus left in tfolitude alone, he btaggered to the rail; A cow beg-an to taste hU coat and iaai tlcate it tail Be aelxed his tailless covering and f rotn the stage he ran. And equandered all his money on a three card monte man. Such fate th lnrlleas candidate liad on that direful day. And next his mat at the polls bore all hi votea away. We want no man to ppvern us," each farmer ctaid, "I swoff, TTboll let himself 1? all et up by any duroed old cow; S AV. KocMtnlVtroitFrvelYehS I'lantatloti llilliMopliy. Men an winuti i.s dilTuut, but putt' much ail boys utrhke. It ain't whut er man u dat makes him bappy in di. yen uorP. It's wbut be thinks be a Folks may talk ez much ez da plea.se erbout atfl people bein civated eknl, but it ain't er fack. Do pime chicken meat is letter den d shanghai ii. Ex we git old we k ain't do nigh so much work ez we could we'en we wui young, but it peer like we do ft better. le apples oner young tree grows bigger den da do on er ole tree, but da ain't so sweet. It is cr mighty hard matter fur us ter see de bad p'ints in er thief dat is will in1 ter lrnd ns xnonej-, ur de good p'inU iu er hones man i&t hab 'fused ter do us a favor. Iar ain't r weaker roskil in dis yero wort' den human natur. Arkaiisaw TVaveller. Song of the Money Kit);. 2 Vm a modern Money King (tu a ondnras pleas ant thins) J And I rulo men with a bcepter ma1ft of gold. X would not exchange my state fur a kingdom amall or creat. If I lived to be a jubilee year old. Bow I pity Kalakaua, once a royal rogue, Imt now a Toor old pennOewt repeater just deposed. And the czar, who eats by proxy, and con&iJera all men f ory. With a tendency to make him indisposed. But I rule by orreign right, and I smilo at dynamite No one ha to sample what I eat ; For I cannot hwe my rocks while I keep my eye on stocks. And pretend to be a stranger to the street. 60 1 wish to liaro It known that no shaky foreign throne Can allure me till the bank is wholly burst: And while blest with failing health (and accumu lating wealth) 111 sign myself , Yours, Uakebamillion First. raul ra.stnor in Tid Bits, BILL NYE ON MAYOR HEWITT. Qnaer Letter tu New York City's Kx rculle. Jw York is full of people who seera to have been lom with a tul eii in ne baud and a grievance in the other. For the sake f convenience they hae divided themselves into two departments one operating on the press of the city and the other on the mayor. Some have plans to suggest for the ad vancement of our ra,-e. Others desire a chance to solve the pvat problem of legislat ing one man's money into another man's pocket without pain. One man writes to llayor Hewitt that America will certainly bs plunged into arnica so long as we have felony on every hand. A woman writes to the mayor to ask him if he ha seen anything of Iter truant husband. Said husband was last seen listening to a voice of a tally haired siren, and it is feared that Us ha- wandered off duwn the broad road that lead to Yuba Dam,CaL Tho following explains itself: New Yoi&k, Sept 21, 1&S7. Mr. A. Hewitt, Mayor of N. Y. Esteemed Silt: How long are you going to fool with inkoinpy taut Drugite and 1'otbe kerst The men that runs Drug Stores and so-la wafc-r Fountains in this Town is above their b4ttrw and got the wel-bed. Last week I had tbs missfortuue to get a small C Jumble iu the mouth of one of my dear ones, and sent the following prerip-hun to our Drug Store: 'Silt: l'Jeas send 5 rents tincher mire 2 wrench a Person'- mouth iu 2." The Druggis, w ho i. a w bite livver Chump, wrote back that bo was not iu the w reuch Lizuess. he U n low thing that dont know nothing but to put lied 1-yo Into Sody at so much per wink. 1 uiil vome down to our place and ttll ou who he l if ou viiji, and we will tmefc Lini siiy with his loud Mueling sto&r and blue ma.s pil tdl you cant rest Oace 1 roat him for 5 ents ft-tty fer sower stuniuuck & b nuit Iwik that he did not no what I sh(Hl gprowhii around adl"Ugtoa for when all 1 needed nata stehin scik1 twice a day till rvleaved. I iht youd nale him and jirk his licens away fnmi him and give them to n more werihy man & ab lidgo Yours truly, A. 1orteu House. Dictated letter Sahaiicuse. N. Y., S pt. the ISth, 1S87. Mr. Abraham S. llugbitt, ma or of New Y'ork city. Silt: am the patentee of and devisor of a new, red (ire escape, to which I desire to call the attention of your city. It is a method by which a fire can escape quicker and more satisfactory than by all other fire devices com bined It combines comfort, peed and dui'a bllity, and is always within the reach of the consumer. (I like to light upnbusi ess letter with pleasantry.) My firo eA-'a? combines the qualities of the SepladJer, the clothe hue and the squirt it you do not sue eeJ with the ladder or the squirt method you can suspend yourself from tho window by the line, aud when the upper end of the line bums off ou will descend to tho ground. This U a siuijilemethixl, and the mat or of Sai-nbouse says that simplicity is no imuieforit I would give ou other testi Oiuials but sjkiiv forbids. My Gi e escape duo not occupy much room at a hotel and i-ahva a willing to share its room with any gue-t of the hou-e. It comes in ted, with black stripes, or in lavender, with violet nubs vn the end for those who de tiro a llru vcupu that will look well when lighted uo. A luuiiL wemau who lived in Conoii, with no preparation arose, skun down this escajie In a gossamer cape ami had to buy imtly new clothes. Most every one looks well in our lu vender fire escape, and those who have tried it say they would rather perish by thU escape than to meander down an untidy and ill fitting device made up of last season's shades. llememlMT, i employ no agents, but furnish my fire escapes directly to the consumer. Yours fraternally, 1. P. Mullama, 1'atente. Fictitious names, of course, have leeii sub stituted in each instance above. So there is really no iolatiou of confidence iu printing the letters, especially as they an of a more or less public nature aud of geneial interest to every taxpayer. Some of the letters be tray a slight dash of humor, while others are soaked full of pathos. They are also noticea ble for their scope, many of them being al most full of scoie, while all of them manifest a general desire to make the mayor of New York earn his salary. New York World. Witty and I'm! he tic Much co-irago in the world is of an un dra malic quiet kind. The majority of men, however weak and commonplace, meet dis aster and death with decorum and dignity. In a railway accident there is usually little outcry, aud physicians testify that not one patient in a thousand shows terror while dying. But tho number of men who in tho fao of death and eternity can so control their faculties as to make a telling, witty remark have been extremely rare. Every schoolboy remembers Sir Thomas More's joke ujKm the scaffold when be begged the executioner not to cut off his beard "as it had committal no treason, aud the apology of Charles the Second for being o uncon scionable a time iu dying. A niece of Franklin, who Lad been noted for her wit and com tesy, died a few years ago in Philadelphia, at the age of 93. In the very moment of death, a friend felt her body, which was cold to the heart "Ah," murmured tho witty old lady, I was dying so beautifully, and you brought me bacfcl Hut never mind, my dear, I shall try it again. A finer instance was that of a Spaniard, a friend of Cardenas, who, though blind of an eye, was a skillful tennis player. One day a hall struck him on the remaining eye with such force as to crush it Knowing that ho was blinded for life, he turned to his eoin lianious. "Bucnes noches, senores (good night, gen ttaneii)," ho said, with a bow, and left the Held. Youth's Comfiaiiion. Rough on the Elevator Boy Uncle Reuben G-e-whit! if the Lull blamed tavern ain't siuLin': JuJco Xrgro Characteristic. 1 think I have found the secret of tl negroes' slour work in picking out the cotton crop; they seem to be utterly imllllerent as to whether it ii lost or Raved, picling in most ciw liarely enough to jiay for meat and bread, and a many farmers throughout the country are cotnpLuning lliat they can't get the negro to work, 1 will gie them the bene fit of my disciivery. This is Saturday, and, unlike the Xeiv York holiday statute, custom among the negroes ban made not only Satur day evening holiday, but they take tne whole lay. So I liethougbt myself to trj-aud hire ome of them as they passed my field. Tak ng a seat upon the fencto by the roadside. I jffered to hire many as they vended their nay to Sehna, but they all declined, as it was Saturday and they uiut have rest. Finally an old gray headed fellow came along, and after much jiarlejing I shamed him into the idea of working. Said he would pick for me. Aked what I would pay him. I told him fifty cents H-r 100. ile shook his head, and said: "No, boss, I t'ank you; but can't work for dat." I said we'd, as a starter, and to induce others. 111 give you seventy-five cents per hundred, but he must not let the others know I was partial to him. "So, no, no, boss, I can't pick for dat," and he started to leave inc. "Hold on," said I, "$1 per hundred. What say you to thatt "Wuss and wuw, boss. Speck we can't trade." "Well," said I, "nhat will you pick fori" "I'll pick for twenty-five cents a hundred, boss." "Well, tell me, you old fool, why is it you want to pick at twenty-five cents, when I offer you $L" "Well," said he, "boss, I fjieck you "s like de balance of de white folks, ou mout not pay me, and den I wouldn't lce quite so much." Ilunuville Cor. Selma (Ala.) Timet. Another Idol Shattered. Another thing not generally known, tbe elucidation of which may prove highly edi fying to dwellers on tho north side iu tbe vicinity of Lincoln park, is the scandalous manner in which they have been victimized by an innocent appearing clerk in a drug store in teat locality, and the clever clerk, who is now working iu another section of the city, told the joke to a reporter the other day as follows: "The combination of syrups you asked for in your soda were the same as I used last seasou in compounding the syrup for a brand of soda I waa liavhig a heavy run ou, and which I called the 'Mikado.' The 'Mikado' craze was then at its height, and of course tbe new brand of soda became popular at once. I had the syrup in a large bottle, placed out on the showcase in full view. Iu order to carry out th deception I took the tag from a bundle of clothes, just in from a Chinese laundry, and after ornamenting it with a broad border in red ink, and putting several smaller fantastic touches to it, I tasted it on the bot tle of 'Mikado' syrup. That settled all question as to tho genuineness of my Japanese syrup. But ono day, while a couple of young gentlemen and their girls wei-u drinkiug a glass of my 'Mikado,' a Chinaman came iu, aud the first thing he spied was the laltel on the Ixittieof syrup. lie walked up, and, ex amining itcurious!y,enuuciated jutnudihl: 'Four sliirtee fi' collee tlee pai' sockeo.' Of ruurso the little iarty who were drinking 'Mikado' at the fountain tumbled. For a moment they all looked as fool sh as I felt, and then they all laughed and I owned up. That almost settled the craze for 'Mikado" soda, however." Chicago Inter OoeaiL I stopped ,. wuioay to pi ico some very beautiful pears which weio exposed for sale upon a fruit stand. "What sort nre theyi" I asked, "and bow much do you charge for tbenif "Fifteen cents apiece," replied the vender briefly. "They're tho real duchy dangle 'em." It took mo till morning to mako out that he meant the "Duchesse d'Angouleme," New Oi leans Times-Democrat. All the Kequisites. Omaha Dame Johnny, what did you do with that quarter I Johnny Spent it for education. "Education T "Ycs'm; went to see tbe 'Battle of Gettys burg." "I told you I'd take you there myself next week." "1 couldn't Twit. Dick on' me is settiu' up a amateur magazine an' I'm to w riUi the war articles for it." Omaha World. he Was Only Thinking. Aht" ho exclaimed, as he found hr sitting quietly in the gloaming, "yon seem to be pro foundly meditating." "Yes, Charles," said tho young tieauty, "I was thinking." "Contrasting, I prc-unie, the golden pres ent with the beautiful beyond P "No; I was thinking what if a tater bug should crawl up jny lack." Ne man lnde pendeut. The Iteaon "Why is it, Cicero, that jou dont visit Miss Spilkins nowT "Wall, ye see, her mother thought our family wasn't quite 'rist')cratic uuff; her father Un bitewash artist and mine Is only a barter." Burlington Free Tress. Limekiln Club rhllooliT. Genflen, do fall sezun ar' upon us in all its glory. I)e golden leaves of autumu am at band, de price of 'taters am gwine up au' de man who onns a coal yard walks in !e middle of de road w id his hat on his left ear. I take advantage of de occasion to remind you of sartiu things: Whf n you see a front gate off its hinges you may know dat de occupant of de house spends tnoas' of his time in cussm' lack. When you meet a nun wid a red mo you kin sot it down dat his 'later bin an' Hour bar'l am empty. Doorin'niy sixty j 'ars of experience in dis wicked world I lias found dat de man who am de hottest to argy fur religun pays de leas' pew rent to de church. We all want to be putty, but we should all reniemlier dat a purty man will starve to death whir' a laborer will hev roa' beef an suet pudding. De cat fust makes suah dat she has found a mouse hole. Den she waits for do mouse to come out. Do trouble wid bim' of us ar" dat we look fur b'ors to come out o' rat holes. Eberj- man should study progress, but de chap who builds a house to fit an old parlor ca'pet i--u't helpiu' de world along half as fast as he thinks fur. Detroit Free Press. Au Incentive to Tamil? l'rlde. The hired man took a lout; pull at the water jug, replaced the corncob stopper, set it carefully dim u in the shady coruer of the fence with his vet over it, and sitting down on the end of a projecting rail, while the boys gathered around him, liegan: "Once upon a time I worked for a man out in Chemung county; and, I tell you, lie was the dandiest man I ever worked for. Take it Fourth of July, Decoration Day, or circus da-, didn't make no difference what we was dohf, nor how big the hurry was, he'd always hitch on to his big wagon and say: 'Jump In, iioys, ever mother's sen of you; 1 won't have no man of mine workm' on a farm when there's a circus or celebration any n here nrouniL' "Oil, ho was a dandy man to work for; and somen ay his crops ahva) s seeiued better than anyone else's, too. 1 don't ever expect to work for his like again." And, having sagaciously planted theo in centives to fumily pride iu the hearts of his employer's sons, he picked up his hoe wearily aud again led tho attack on the luxuriant growth of weeds. Life. A Hopeless Task. Sir Astley Cooper ud to relate the fol lowing anecdote of an Irish candidate liefore the examining board of the Ixmdon college: "What is n simple und w hnt is u comjMund fnuluref1 aked the examiner. Tbe reply wa-.: "A simple fracture is when tho bono is broken; and n eomiiouud fractal e when it's all broke." Sir Astley asked him what he meant by "all broke." "I mean," he replied, "broke into smithereens, to be sure." "I ven tured to ask bun what was smithereens." He turned tion me with intense expression of syrojiathy upon his countenance. "You don't know what is smithereens! Then 1 give you up." Science. A Serious Omission. City Editor (apiwrciitly troubled) Do 70c mean to say. Mr Stub;pen, that you have completed this report of tffo horso race! Iteporter That's the best I can do. "Why, see here, you haven't even said any where that the track was cuppy or that a horse went into the air." "Well, I didn't hear that the tra.k was cuppy or that any horse did go into tbe air." City Editor (deciiel) No matter; work it iu somewhere. It sounds ivofessioual and your report needs something; anybody can understand it now. Springfield Homestead. DUn't Waut to Owu It. There was a difficulty among the singers: and, it being rumored as a settled fact that tho choir would not siuga notoou the next Sabbath, tlw miuister commenced uiormns worship by giving out tho hymn of Watts', "Conio y c ho lo 0 tho Lord." After read ing it through he looked up very emphatic ally to tho choir and said: "You will bein at the second verse: "Let those refuse to sing Who never knew our God." They sang that hymn. Musical Herald. Land Culls Also. En route for Europe Daughter (watching the sea gulls) Do tho sea gulls accompany us all the way across, mamma! Mother I know of two of them that do, my dear, your father and your uncle James. They are down below now p!a iug poker with strangers. New York Sun. He Stole Our llest Thoughts. She Shakesjieare, after nil, was the most original of writers. He stands head aud shoulder-, alwvo all other Euglish writers. He Why, I don't know, Grace; I hear people cveiy da-saying the very same things which you'll find iu his book. Boston Tran script. Tie Ain't ltuilt That Way. Some girls can look upon a mouse And neitlnr scream nor falct. They can. there's no denj ing; But wherc's 1 he man can jtassa house Which ljoars the warning "Hunt," Without a teut appb ig? Sew York Weekly. Mltnken Identity. O'er the top of the high hacked roefcer, I could see her dainty head. My lovely, darling llmiua. She w horn I was soon to wed. ' I crept up closer to her, , t Hoping to surpri'-o Ler there; uS M.e heart was thumping w-iMly. 5 As 1 softly stroked ner hair. "3 1 kissed one rosy, dimpled cheek; As I vrcnt to kiss the ether, X got a better loot at him! G reat guns: Itwasherbrother! Ivtroit Free Press. Tliey WTi-o Arguing About Tins. Mrs. Jones! (with a iiin in herinontlil Ynur idea may be clear euouzb. but I confess I don't see the point. Jones Aalnriill v: but vou'ro chewlnt-sL New Haven News. LITTLE LAUGH Somehow or other it has a tendency to make a farmer feel tired when he has just fitted his bai n with brand new lightning rods aud a tramp comes along, lights his pipe and goes to sleep in the hay mow. Somerville Journal. In Singapore, if a lover can catch his adored in a cnii'ie race, ho can marry her. llenco the expression cnuoebial bits. Nor wich Bulletin. While the lamp holds out to burn there is not much danger of the averago servant fill ing it. Hal ii'a Bazar. If the men who mako tobacco signs bad any oi iginality they would dress their Indian effigies in plug hats and government blankets, and thus make them apjiear something like the modern brat e, Atchison Globe. That interesting story, "The Delinquent Tax List," is now running in nut of the ter ritorial exchanges. It is a story with a bad ending. Bimarck Tribune. The editor of The Loudon Punch is serious ly ill. As we are not a i eader of his paper we hope be may soon be able to resume hi editorial duties. Norristown Herald. In these days the preserving housekeeper has a good ileal to put up witiu Lowell tlourler. If the moon is made of green cheese, theu tbe man in the moon must be a Skipper. De troit Freo Tresa. Tapa,"a.iiil Mabel, who is learning to play whist, "what does the phrase 'honors are easj ' meanT "It means," said pa, who is a crank statesman, "that any fedow can get into con gress if ho goes far enough west." Cluciu nati Enquirer. The Rochester Democrat says "a tin horn la better than a pistol" to frighten away burg lars. And besides tbe tin bom is always "loaded" and consequently safe. Hartford Post. Now all closed are tbe palaces Of summer place bonlfaces. And where will the Jolly proprietors go? Oh, they'll nil ilo n to Florida, Where the weather is lorrider. And rase la another rich harvest, you koow. -Hotel Mail. Tbe day of tbe great god Juggernaut in India Is nearly over. Coolies are now hired to drag the car that pilgrims once struggled to attach themselves to. The next thing will bo to get a traction steam engine to pull it. Syracuse Herald. When Mrs. Homespun saw ber nephew Charley's gun and appurtenances, indicative of a bird shooting expedition next morning, she soaked tbe cartridges iu a basin of water, with the remark: "I've always heard that fixed ammunition is tbe surest." Washington Post. A son of Jeme James has gone to work in a real estate cfflce. Well, be can't help it; the boys of that family are bora robbers. New York Star. The boy whose mother whaled him with a five foot applo tree sprout said be bad enough of Long Branch for this season. Waterloo Observer, Farmer's Wife Where did you. come from! Wayfarer Camp. "What are you C "Scamp." F. W. Scamper. Decamps in stanter. New York Star. An Omaha real estate man was attacked by three footpads the other night. He killed on and forced tbe other two to buy a thirty days' option ou town lots. Peoria Trau- I script. A young woman recently called at the Bur lington pAstoffice with tho inquiry: "Grandma , told me to ask you if Louisa got tha money . all right." Burlington (Vt.) Free Press. If Donnelly's I heory prevails, Stratford-on- tbe-Avon will soon le Stratford-on-tbe- iavaunt. Texas Siftings. Don't take too much stock in tbe man who tells you that he doesn't owe a dollar. It may be that be would owe a good many pro i vided anybody would trust him. Philadel phia Call. Alcolt and Knierson. A. Eronson Alcott bis kept a journal ever since he was a boy. Among tho earliest entries arc the following; "Went in swimmin' today. Head Pinto while dryin' off aud got offuly sunburnt." "Today liegan kriticle study of the Greke tragedise, but Half Emer son came round ami wo concluded to go after Chipmunks." Burlington Freo PresSL Fo-in. Public Schoolliov (to Gen. Sir George, G. C. B., (J. S. I., V. C , etc etc.. etc.) I say, grandpapa a would jou mind just putting on your hat a little straigbter! Here comes Codgers he's awfully particular and he's the captain of our eleven, you knowl" Punch. Tramp vs. Vegetarian. A tramp called at a bouse in a Chicago suburb a few mornings ago, and asked for some cold victuals. He was given a plate of oatmeal mush, some 1 aw dried prunes, u to mato and a saucer of bomiuy, the whole with out seasoning of any kind. "I I can't you let me have some milk, and some sugnr, salt and iepperP inquired theeiiibairassed tourist as he surveyed the spread. -Milt is not wholesome," replied the lady of tho house, sweetly, "and we never use con diments. I can let you have some cracked wheat if you like." "Haven t you any meat!" "Oh, no; we never Use meat. It is not fit for the human stomach. Would you like some gruel!" "Is tins tho kind of stuff you live onf" "Certainly, my frieniL Meats, seasonings, gravies, condiments of all kinds and heating foods have a tendency to injure tbe coating f tho stomach, imparl an unnatural condi tion to tho system, and why, here 1 let me read n chapter of this book t jou. lean show .ui i.i half an hour" With n jell of consternation the tran fled. As be went out through the front gate be jiaused long enough to write on tbe gate post with chalk these wonls: "ICranks! Keep away!" Chicago Tribune. A FiMilUh 4ueeu. Omaha Man (in England) That's a pretty fair kii t of a house, I believe I'll take the for tho season. Englishman 'Ousel 'ousel that's no 'oiuc, sir. "No house, eh! What is it then, a stable!" "Thai's one of the queen's palaces." "Ob! I see HV empty." "Yes, it stands h'empty most of the time." "I wonder what rent she wants for it!" "Kent! You couldn't get that for a mil lion pun, sir." "A million pounds! Great Scott! I won der if she thinks this is Los Angeles." Omahs. Woild. Iu hutall fjudiititles. Chicago Drummer (to stranger) What line of goods are 3 ou selling, sir! Stranger (with dignity) I'm a lawyer. I sell brains. Chicago Drummer Ah, yes. Retail, I s'posef New York Sun. Next Thing to It. Guest (to landlord) I say, landlord, have ou got such a thing as au encyclopaedia about tbe housjf Landlord No, sir, we have not; but there U a gentleman from Boston iu tbe reading room. Uarjier's Bazar. lie Ought to Have One. &' k mPIiiia ' tfiii V sssKIEkMiBW I m m WML. lwil 1 V A 'ITT Little Bobby heard his ma say that papa was out to tho club last night. Ilesays: "Pa, havo you got a club!" Pa What makes you ask that, sonny!" Bobby Cos, ma says you ought to have one. Pa thinks the old lady is right for once. Texas Siftings. Sot Very Conversational. There is an American in the customs service in China who is quite a character. His cool ness ami assurance have tried the patience of Sir Kobert Hart, the imperial director of cus toms, any time these twenty years, but he is still there. He never could learn Chinese, and even when it was made imperative that the customs men t hould know tbe language to some extenthedidn't learn it. He was always doing something wrong, or against the rules. Ou one occasion Sir Robert Hart was iu Shanghai, and, walking down the Band be met the American, whose post was at a southern port. The American saluted. "Well, sir," said Hart, "will you have the goodness to explain why you are not at your post in Amoyl" "Certainly, Sir Robert. I am traveling with a No. I Mandarin ou duty." "You! You can't be of much use. How do you manage! You don't understand Chinese!" "No; but 1 don't talk to him." "How can you get on without talking to him!" . "Well, you see. Sir Robert, he's dead." He was escorting the I. sly of a dead man darin to bis family place. San Francisco Chronicle. No Family Objections. Mrs. Do Million My poor friend, bow can I console you! Mrs. De Corner Consolo me! What about! "Obi Then it isn't true. It was reported at Mrs. De Fashion's party last evening that your son hail eloped n ith au actress." "Yes, that's true. Wo told him we thought an elopemeut would look better than a public weddiug." "What! You didn't object!" "No, indeed. My husband got caught in the wheat crash, and we are both glad th- poor boy has f ouud some one to support him." Omaha World. 'one Wutesl. "Eli! Going on a journey i" he queried as he halted a friend with a gripsack. "Only a short ride. Going out to the Couuty fair." "Got anything to exhibit there!" "Oh, nix I'm down to make tbe big speech of the opening day." "Youl What in flaxseed do you know of agriculture!" "Nothing. It will all lie about tho Revolu tionary war George Washington old pio neers, and my patent stump puller. Tbey don't want any agriculture iu it," Detroit Freo Press. Interior Decoration la Tnrqne. "I'm going to have a crayon of my father hung over th" mantelpiece," remaiked the proud owner of a new and licautiful man sion, as he expressed his perfect satisfaction with the decorations of tho library. "Oh, pardon nie, it is imjiossible!" ex claimed the architect. "The loom is Turk ish!" "All right," said the master of tho houso gravity. -Of course, we mu-tu't sjiod the decorations. But if I bare the artist touch bun up a little, and put 11 fezou the old gentle man's bend, you'll let him in, won't you C The Epoch. Just the Very l'laee. "Where are you going to locateP asked one young doctor of another. "1 don't know. I was thinking of going to X ." "Don't do it. They tell me there is general stagnation of business there." "That's just it. Stagnation produces ma laria, you know." Washington Critic A Prevalent Malady. "I saw at once," said a physician who had been called in consultation, "that Dr. I'ellett's diagnosis was wrong; but as he was in charge of the case of course it wouldn't do for me to interfere." "Did the patient die!" "Oh, yes died of 'professional courtesy' a very common and fatal disease." Harper's Bazar. Itelnemhereil Kve. The responsibility for the sins of the world rests ou men and women alike, as we are re minded by the quaint saying of a little Sun day school girl. She was lather young, to be sure, to lie taught the meaning of thetext, "By one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin." But tbe teat her did her liest, and told, as simply as she could, about this one man and what bo did, and what were the consequences of his sin to the human race. She was get ting ou very well wheu a shy, grave faced little girl interrupted her by saying: "There was a lady, too." Binghamton Republican. Gotham Society News. New Yorker. Well, well! You and I went to college together. Waylwck Hermit. Yes; it was there I met iny fate, and her lussdrove 1110 into tho Rock ies to find oblivion. Is my old chum, Fred Ward, stilt alive! "Yes. Society does not see much of Fred now. He has ljecome an enthusiastic ama teur printer, and devote nil his time to it." "Eh! Stays nt home!" "No; he is temporarily residing at Sing Sing." Omaha World. Mill the Style. All enterpri-ing Yankee, who owned a large chair manufactory, had occasion one day to show a friend from over the water through his establishment. The Englishman, amazed at the quantity of chairs that he saw in their various stages of completion, exclaimed: "'Ow can you holer hexect to sell so man3 chairs!" "Wall," aid the Yankee, "I guess scttin' down ain't gone out of fashion yet." Detroit Freo Press. A Coquette la the Hud. Flossie is a dear, little golden haired creat ure, with large blue eyes, dainty red lips and tho roundest, pinkest cheeks iu the world. She loves her apu and mamma dearly. Her pretty ways and sunny smiles endear her to n host of playmates, ami her gentle thought fulness of otheis mahes her the et of 1111 in dulgent, doling household. "Mamma," sjud the little ono softly one dai as she nestled lovingly ill her mother's arms, "I love to walk with Mamie Brown." Tears sprang to tho mother's eyes at this proof of Ler darling's unselfish nature. Mamie was u poor little crippled girl, whoso plain, pinched features were iu pitiful con trast to Flossie's bright beaut, aud berattire, though always neat, was very plain aud in extensive. "And why does my little Flossio lovo to walk with Manlier asked the mother. 'Because she is so plain mid her dresses ore so shabby," artlessly lisped the little one, "that wheu wo are together everybody no tices only jut me." Binghamton Republi KASKINE THE NEW qi'IMNE. MOBESTHONE- L. VOUCHED FDR THAU ANY OTHER DBUS OF nODERDTIMES A i-OTIEKFCL TOXIC That the most delicate stomach will bear. A .SPECIFIC FOR MALARIA. RHEUMATISM, XEKTOUS PROSTRA TION. THE MOST SCIENTIFIC AND SUCCESS FUL BUJ'I ITK1KIKR. Superlortoiiulnine. .Mr. John ". ScarborouKli. Selma. N- .. writes: "I not malaria In the Southern atniv. and for a dozen years suffered from Its deblil tatlog effects I wasterrlhly run down when 1 heard of Kasklne. the new nulnine It helped meat ence. I calned .t pounds, lisle not had such good health la 3! jeirs " Other l'tters of a similar character frcrn prominent individuals, which stamp Kasklne as a remedy of undoubted merit, will ie sent on application. The Aneiit of KASKINE has on Public Ei hlbltlon a remarkable MAN I KIN. or model of the human bodv.showlmc the stomach. Heart. Lunits. Liver, Spleen. Kidneys and the other rgans and parts In Health and In Disease lty an Inspection the afflicted can see the nature and location of their troubles and learn how Kaatlne relieves and cures them. Kasklne uu he taken without any special medical advice. $1 per bottle, or sU bottles forJ-V sent by mall on receipt of price. KS.SKINB C0..M Warren St..New Vnrk Martyrs to Headache Seek relief in vain, until they begin to use Ayer's Sarsaparilla. Then they re gret the years of suffering they might have eacajied had they tried this remedy earlier. The trouble was constitntional not local ; and, until Ayer's Sarsapa rilla did its effective work as an Alterative and Blood I'urifier, they were compelled to suffer. The wife of Samuel Tagc, 21 Austin St., Lowell, Mass., was, for a long time, subject to severe headaches, the result of stomach and liver disorders. A per fect cure has been effected by Ayer's Sarsaparilla. Frank Roberts, TIT Washington St., Boston, sajs that he formerly had ter rible headaches, and until he took Ayer's Sarsaparilla. never found any medicine that would give Permanent Relief. ' Everv Spring, for years," writes Lizzie W. DeVeau. ii2 Fifteenth St., Brooklyn, N. Y., "I hac had intoler able headaches. I commenced the ue of Aser'.s Sarsaparilla l.it Marih, and have not had a headache siuco that time." " I su(Terel from headache, indiges tion, and debility, and was hardly abl todrai; mi. self about the house," writes Mrs. M. M. Lewis, of A St., I.ouell. Mass. "Ayer's Sarsaparilla has worked a marreloiis change iu iny case. I now feel strong and well as eer." Jonas Oarman, Esq.. of Lykins. Pa.. writes: " For years I have siitfered dread fully, every Spring, from headache, caused by impurity of tho IiIimhI and bilousness. It seemed for dais und weeks that my head would split oik-ii. Nothing relieved me till I took Aier's Sarsaparilla. This medicine has cured me completely." When Mrs. flenevra Itelanger. of 21 Bridge St., Springfield, Mass., I.an to use Ayer's Sarsaparilla, she had stillored for some years from a serious affection of the kidneys. Every Spring, also, she was afllicted with headache, los of appetite, and indigestion. A friend jt suaded her to ue Aier's S.iraparma, which benefited her wonderfully. Her health is now perfect. Martyrs to head ache should try Ayer's Sarsaparilla, Prepared tiy I)r..t.C Aver&o..Lorrll.UaM. Pries (1 ; all botllcs. So. Worth Si a bollla. EI-Y'S CREAM BUM CLEANSES THE Xasgl Passages, Allay Pala and la film mi Han Ileal the Sow, Restore the Senses of Ta-: and SmH. TUVTilKCUKK. A particle la applied into each nostril and la agreeable. Price 50 cents at Druprlsts: bi s: di bran mall, reentered, hi cts. Kt " Xltts. 23.1 lireenwlch St.. New York. Hop Plaster anthmrt4iAnbtOiBJWTiltrinailu "WTitm pplisAsAtoiuykind ofpaUniwi-aieM,iiiaUst rclmtaf tofelt. IunellWk, Bid twllJp, Sore Ku tilaa. Barer Aobea, Stnins. Eldaey Puww, Bhmnnt1rt"fTM"rtlftytftf MWBe ln.amTptt.Tt wiA lnatavntl to thai Cftin-atlllilUr aUkd trC3i(t2a- mfnsT ntnrtrStm of tha HOP PlaVtT. VlrtTlCalOf &M&HcrBuriruiJdy Pitch, mad foreign Oumi MwiiMrusAlft a fjwBmt And aWTcr sUlin Porous Platte. Used and woommeaded by nosts of 33C, Bior H.OTCrT-wcexe. maucuatir ' HOFfLAartittu.. hcsicsl, i . ffliiBicftttelies! 1 Bee Ctlngi, Koa- auito and am Insect Bites, narus, ciotcnrs Hrascis, EirtmArks, amd stctt farm cf sktn , blemishes, positively enzed oa fks KOst lctieae skia I wlthot letTlaz a scsr. by Hob 01XLtxn.eix.t. Price SSets.. SOcts. and 1. At dmfxis&s or br esU. Iflie Sep Via BtsnTc 0.. Kw London. Conn. Little Ile Pills for sick-headache, djspepsis. billottpaAeoBstliwitlahaTenoeQUfcL J6c For tIe by all iirinctirlt! Jlru&.UU. TIIOS. JHI.LFR & SOX'S FILL M WiliTER CATALOGUE OK LADIK5' AND CENTLEJIK.VS FURNISHING GOOES! Now re.idy and sent free ou &pp!tcatl jn. THOS MlUR4 ON3. 6th.veaue, corner 2.M Street. NEW YOBK. You'll find It gwJ tu iku- late The organa of both small ant sreat. l It check AlVfr lleadacht, I aunt ibe woe I That sad iyspeptlca eTer know. BrsMes tls pleasant to tho ta&tt. 80 bod nrM gulp It down In haste. TITASTKl) LI)US for our Fall and Chriit- their own liomrs. II to &iprrdaycanbqul--tly route. Work scot by mall any illstsuce Particulars Ireo. Nnranvasslnc Address at once. CRKsCENT ART CO., H7 Milk Street, Doston.Msss. Box 5170. -teeLY'stf!; WSmLt'Mi tK?S-l w!Sr vt u-i HJOr-ECVEf) Bel "aVl I J -Xiw I jRmny RAILROAD TIME CABD. I'ltlaliuru, llnrl -vitl an. I St. Louis Rail. wny C'ointj ' I'mu Handle Route. I'nder schedule in effect September 25, 1SS7, trains leave Springfield, central stand ard time, for Xeuia, Cincinnati and Colum bus. ;:1." a. in . for Uajton 7:15 a.m., for Xetna and Indianapolis flOrJOa in., jor Xenla. Cincinnati. Columbus, Indian aiKitis and Chicago, .:10 p. m.; for Xenla, DaUon and Cincinnati. Ksri.i p. m. Trains arrive in Springfield at t7:t. and 20 a. 111 . t.VOJ p. in. and 5:40 p. iu. "Daily. flMilv. except Sunday. MM lioniis. T icket Agent. ''sveiaud, Colombo.. Cincinnati a-M In' isvUMpolls Railway. SC I16T. H Mdi, ExTtre . -1.30 MB Juam ii Ne Yort bi sti Kj-resj 2 JlevelAQd X Eastern Express.. t ie York LtmltedExprtss.. . 3.45 pm -MO am OOiSO SOCTB. 9 Hlxbt ExDress.. t! SPsc..Cln.A W'es. Ex 5J6l 1 Clu. rlvlmr Bucseve 7ciam Cincinnati A laill&Bapolls Eipresslloabam 3 Cleveland AClnclnnatlEi;ress. 1.30c 'Cmtl. iml..M LouisAKau. Kx M-iSpni al ii e rKi'M cast. 9 Nlnht pres ... . .'23)ara 1 On rl d buckeye -TiSam Sllev ' A 1 ineiiinatl l-xpiess lJiipm New Vork.UostouA tiueiutiatt Ex..4ijm AKRiVX SOM toCTH. Nlrht Express..,., . ,, -1.25am ii liaytiii,prtn!;eldAeeom.fr't- HJAun il Lew York A Boston Limited S.50iu 1 Cleveland A Eastern Express 3.4. pa J- Cincinnati A tprlniji'eld Aceom SJU pot It New York Limited txpress .. pm 7o. 12 has through sleepers to New York aid 3.iton without change. Ji o.4li the famous limited express, eom Xted entirely of sleepers, east of Cleveland, rtiroseh sleepers from Springfield. Make .iorkln JiS hours and lioston to UU bo'irs. .1. l. KNI8UT. v A IntM Airent, D. B. M AUTIN. Arcade Depot. ' Y . HErtnirfleld.O. H. Y, Vrnn. IIIM0B.B. All trains ran on Central time minutes) tlowertbauctty tlrae. TX1!S LXAVI GOIXO CAST. So. 4. New York Limited, daily 10:31 a. m. " 2. Accom., datlyexceptsundaj-3:3yp. m. No. H 10:14 p. m. ' 12. Atlantic Ex.. dally 2:111a.m. TkAl.SSLSATSeOI.su VEST. No. 3. CI n. A St. Louts Ex- dally 2:10 a. m " 1. Accom-dallyciCept sunday10:C a. m. " 5. St, Louts Ex.. dally 3:5? p. in. No. (baa sleepers, but no chance of can la lthercae through to New York. No. & baa :broush sleepers to St. Louis Free hick to trains to ail points east of. an including north Lwlsbur. For tickets to ell points and farther Infor mation, callon J.D. I'HLtOBR. Aeat.72 Arcade. Telephone call 310. Indiana, IIIootuiii,ton and Western Rail witv. ARR1TX rBOM NORTH. 1 Cincinnati Express Sandusky and Springfield Ex 3 Columbus .Mall ARRIVE FROM K4ST. .100am . 2Sam . 42uDm .14.1am . 6ara . 1035am ."5 06pm ,120am .45am . 42Spm 1 Night Express... S Chicago. st. L. A Kan. City llm 7 S?nd'.isky Mali 3 Cblcaito.st. L. Kan. City Ex ARSIVI FRO WRST. 2 Eastern Eipress . I Atlantic .Mall- 6 New York Limited DrrART GOIXO SORTH. 2 LakesldeExpr-ss. . t Put-lu-Uay Lxrress . . ...-. 3 SpnngQeia aad .-audusky Ex 245am 10 4.1 a m 535pm nrrART coisa east. 2 Columbus Express . . 1 Atlantic MUI sioltiinbus Accommodation 5 New York Limited. ... ..... .145am . 55am . 630am . 435 . 2CB . 7(")a DirART OOISO WIST. I Nluht Express . I I hirago. M. L. X Kan. City Urn 3 Ceickko, .-t. L. i Kan. City Ex '515 pm Ohio Southern Railroad. ARRIVE FROM SOUTH. 3 IS.ilnbr1.1ce Accommodation 9 40 a m 1 Mail and Express. .. 430pi rreiRT goiso soctb. 2 Mall and Express . 105am I ItalnbrMce -sccommou'illon 535nm All trains marked run dally;all others da If except tucday. standard time, which Is m minutes slower than Spr niifieM city time. WM.HEKFEKMAN. P. II K0CIIE. Ticket Agent, (ieneral Atent. A WONDERFUL MEDICINE! Unlike many nf the -aIlr1 "Car wQl do rut lut is cUnned for it. It ie smramJitp4 to qnickl? &d lEUJrSAKTatY Ct'RI. DYSPEPSIA ARE YOU A SUFFERER? OO YOU WANT RELIEF? IT WILL CURE EVEN YOUt WILL YOU TRY A BOTTLE? 5I.OO ?0R A QUART tOTTLE. A taJl lifrai-jrit mm4 m QmWk Retwm. For SJe hr Drmtrt-tt. Wine Merrbuitt Bad GenersJ Dealura ercrjnrhai SACHS-PRUDEN & CO. DAYTON, OHIO. SACns-PItUnnX'SOIXGEKAIiE IS SOLO ALL OVER THE WORLD. r 'Judicious Aovestisiho is the KCTSTONC TO SUCCISSS- ThE H. P. HUBBARD CO.. MC 1 JU0IC10USADVtHTtlICaK-T- , CXPCRTS. DCSICNCRS. CC IRS AND CLtCTROTfMR. WtW HAVCN. Cown. J Loi-stPrtcconltntwHhJ rtrx viaw t,wiiw 2IOPsGC"llUI Boon- or LMD. Ti;l TiiM-MoinMi- ' AND MIRiT CoRRItMNDINK mOUCITIO. '-..tsasT-' . ...fti,-- "ww ib -,. 7 w ' .a 'o ... - OCLAGENTS 8ia. MISSOURI r" STEAM WAS HER. a a ocn an'i women oi e ercr an4 aLilitr, eeekiBii prrHtbie emtvlormeotulb- fral farmi tat II 1W sHvaymu Theft aber works on a sew lrl nclple hich utm laboc and clothinc enor biourJj. Snmntp Mnr aa ftwta weeks' trial, on liberal terms, to b rw turnod nt my fipenae if not atisfactorr- Turnoa nt my ri cense if not $600tq$2.00C;v: yoar i beia2 neo r rotn rst rat. thlfTw 'in.tiHtnnna iiasnfm Iotrfplt tarit nxHilatT it a rhatVimiall eilllflaaal ernwhs-re, IllntratdcircTinaDvi terms tree J. WC!:TH,SCU l'Pff,i7ia F'kkun Avf.ST.lcua.-ta. tTaAtYJnt'rWMei9UtKMfcrUrslsWBsW,sTX lktaTsU - --,--- ' rr-n Trial i" WEAK MEN! IsfiPhliij fmn sV.11 taUaaai. ,iar Sr-ll.ctc.r4uiilntf I'om iRCTtlooeor OKKsT MAUSTtt TltKATMKMT. A n--- t. SbO"U t rtwal by rUaW MADE STRONG andalsverj In the hnir.lt of erRvJethlDrotTiiilvmofiretoaJlBiei. ARSTONRCMOYCOI9PaiHiPlM.NtwYoflV fV""'' AJ iSHisSSs xSiSSSv i ie g'SgSgaiat?aB?gBa SSSlf!S58SS!SSS?! ft :T SK. .s V-iL."i:'i - ' r - . - . ' , - -.- .1., , ..-t-?..1- . '. . J - .-,-s- ' . . ;', '. .