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MR. SMATHCRS DRIVES A TACK,!
tb CrylIll"on fww ,u
HE bappiDoss of R
Uorlom household
ha recently Itch
ilcstroyKl by a mott
nsfortunato occur
rence, nil J the
wliito winged 1om
of pcacr has folded
bcr wings liio u
cabinet bedstead
and vanished.
Sir. Baldwin
blathers resides in Ono Hundred and
Twenty-fourth street, and the. connubial
bliss of the Smathers family has leu undis
turbed until last Friday afternoon. Mr.
Bmathers has long leen notci anions the
neighbors for an astonishing talent in making
pmerras. Indeed, the fame of her pickled
poaches, raspberry jam and canned pears
reached at least throo blocks etch way.
Every season she puts up a generous supply
of traits, and to be presented with a jar of
Mrs, Bmathers' preserves was a mark of ex
traordinary esteem.
Last week the canning season was formally
concluded with quinces, and tho family
moved to an apartment house just around th
block. The sixty-nlno jars of preserves re
ceived especial care in transportation and
were carefully stoned away upon tho top
shelf of tho pantry. On returning from
business Mr. Sniatbcrs found hisnifo en
deavoring to drive a nail into the wall abov
the preserve shelf to hang up some herbs.
Bhe had placed a stool on a chair, and
perched on this combination was struggling
with tbo hammer and naiL Her husband
watched the combat in patronizing silence
and then said: "I noer saw a woman yet
who could drive a naiL Get down off that
chair, Martha, and let mo drive your tacks."
Mrs. Smathers climbed down, and grasp
ins tho hammer, her husband was soon in
position on the stool, lie accomplished, how
ever, considerably more than ho intended.
Giving the half driven nail a vicious dig to
pull it out and begin over again, ho loosened
a cleat that supported the shelf, and tho re
sults were appalling. There was a frightful
crash that ro-ounded from cellar to roof,
and Mr. Smathers, the chair and tho stool
disappeared from view. The air was filled
with broken glass, flying peaches, pears and
plums, and canned cherries tattered about on
the floor I1L0 big red hail-top.es.
On Mrs. Smathers' upturned countenance
the contents of a jar of straw berries settled
gently down. Two damsons and a label
dacorated her Kick hair, and on every part
of her dress that offered any inducement
there nestled jellies and jams, quinces and
plums and blackberries in artless confusion.
Pased by the sudden crash she stood for a
moment or two mechanically endeavoring to
remove the strawberry juice from her coun
tenance with a small pocket handkerchief.
Just then there was a strugglo amid the
glass and debris in the corner, and Mr.
Bmathers came slowly to his feet, still grasp
ing the hammer. He was a most astonishing
sight. There was enough broken glass on
hat person to have horrified tho boldest cat
am the Smathers back fenoa. His mustache
was strewn with pineapple marmalade, and
a stream of red juice and another of white
united on his back and fell in a syrupy cas
cade from his coat tails. A quince did duty
for a scarf pin, and the Smathers hair was
occupied by two brandied peaches and a pint
of juice, which gave him an anti-prohibition
odor for three days.
"You horrible, horrible brute," said Mrs.
Smathers, choking her anger, as she extracted
two more strawberries from her hair. "Just
see what you have done," sho added hyster
ically. Her husband seemed somewhat in doubt
just what to do in his tutti f rutti condition.
"I would rather not discuss this matter just
now, Martha," he said timidly, as he removed
some apple jelly from his left eye with his
coat sleeve. "The back of my bead is crys
tallizing, and unless I am wiped off soon I
(ball be a marroon glace in ten minutos."
New York Tribune.
Curiosities of Law,
Judge Stand up.
Prisoner I claim tho right under tho law
to remain seated, y'r honor.
"How so r
"The law says no men can bo made to
criminate himself, on' if I stand up I'll crim
inate myself."
"That point is well taken and you may re
main seated. You ore accused of stealing a
pair of brooches from this man, but I can
Ond no evidence against you."
"Jfono at all, ; V honor."
"You are disctarged."
"Thank you, i"r honor."
"By tho way, why wero you unwilling tn
stand upP
"If I stood up tho man would see I had bis
breeches on, y'r honor.'' Omaha World.
Health Resorts.
First Doctor Busy!
Second Doctor Yes, almost worked to
death.
"So am L It will bo two months before
the people returning from their health get
ting trips will quit sending for tho doctors."
"That's a fact If it wasn't for these health
resorts wo would have to go out of business"
Texas Sif tings.
DEACON BURDETTE'S PHILOSOPHY.
IT CAS BE DO.VE, BUT
"That is ono of our risinir young men,
Judge; bo will make his mark ia this town
and dont you forget it." "Indeed! What
does be doT "He spends (3,0M a year on a I
salary of 1,200."
Tho circus laid oS ono night and the lion
tamer played sweet to a shepherdess, to
whom be gavo much guff, until, bo unmask
ing, his wifo recognized him. They picked
him up at tbe foot of tbe stairs, sadly rent as
to his raiment and much abraded and con- j
tused as to his person. And as ho recovered
jonsciousness bo feebly murmured, "Va3 it
the lady or tho tigcrp Then they smoto
upon him with canes and umbrellas, and left
him for dead.
ixcoxrREircx5rBix itoxsexse.
A young man of Jeffersonville, Mo., writes:
"Would the addition of acenterboard old
in any way to tho speed or sailing qualities
of theThistleP Wo havo read this letter a
great many times without being able to mako
anything out of it, and conclude that if there
is an insane asylum in Jeffersonville, the
young man takes his meals there. The idea
of putting a centerboard on a thistle, which
isn't an aquatic plant at all, and why be
might as n ell talk about putting a jury mast
on a chestnut. Thistle! Centcrboardf Well,
we give it up. It's something we never be
fons heard of in all our life Tlint'fi inst n
sample of tho kind of letters we get from I
cranks all ocr the country every week. Only
week tef ore last a lunatic down in Florida ;
wrote, asking us "if Jake Sharp was in jail P
Xever another word about him, who he was,
where he was from, or any syllable of de
scription; just Joke Sharp. As though we
wero expected to know everybody m the
United States that might reasonably bo ex
pected to 1m in tail. W crushed this fellow:
ZK
SHIt
r BsPksfliBBSKvV-'fV"
wo wrote mm that Jack liana was In the
w orkbouse. lie wrote back in the most in
coherent manner, saying that housed to keep
a fool hiui-lf w lieu be was rich, but be
couldn't off ord It now. Toucousco ho was
crazy. It's this sort of thing that drives
editors mad. round in the MSS. of the
editor who committed suicide by paying his
fare last week.
ART IS LONG, DCT SOKE THINGS ARE WIDER.
A now fad is a "Hand and Foot Album,"
containing photographs of tbo hands and foot
of girls who wear auything under small
"fives." In tho null known city of (mortiso
for name) this album looks hie a sample
book of circus cuts, aud rets cither on a din
ing tablo or tho born floor. (St. Louis and
Chicago pajicrs pleaso copy.)
THE TET Or A. READ7 WHITER,
They wbtl hi chair In tbe sunshine
Where the warmest aouta wird blow;
For he loves to sit here the nw allow s tht
And the shadow come and go:
is his fancier twine and intertwine t
"Pro Doao I-ublioo."
He used to write for The Journal &?
1o seventeen eighty-four:
An old man then, but his ready pen
as luvtr at twice two score,
Aul h- us il to flu. with that squeaking quCf
Three columns a week, and more.
Ue tackled th other papers
A fast as they pot bom,
Ti-y nought h would die 'ere the real went hy
Cut he bauht him a tier ink bora,
An l the editor's life with rare was rife
From eien till dewy morn.
Ke gathered Ids friends around him
"laxpajer." "Vox ropuli," "Lea '
."Constant Reader," "True Blue" and "CiUieV
1 too.
The editor's soul to vex;
And the old r they grew , the garrulous crew
JCade w orse newspaporial wrecks.
.lad he never will die while tnt lasts
Or a paper to pre can go,
lb old pen grumbles and censures sad mum
bles. As things are too fast or too slow.
Though Lis temper's infernal, his pen Is eternal
Old Tro Bono Publico."
viMiLija riiftici
Not to Be Ditched That Way.
"There, take that," said a red headed f e
malo as she brought her parasol with a tre
mendous whack on the head of au inoffen
sive looking middle aged gentleman who sat
opposite her in an outgoing Fourth avenue
car lost night about 0:30.
"Madam! I ah I dont understand tho
reason for this. How ha vo I offended you f
"Don't madam me, sir. Tou've been look
ing around for a w hite horse over since I got
, in, and I want you to understand that if lam
redheaded you can t hitch me wita a white
horso to make a team. Xb, sir."
An inoffensive looking man with a crushed
derby hat and a woebegone countenanoo
dropped off the rear platform of tho car about
a minute later; Minneapolis Journal.
A TCondcrful Three-Year Old,
Our litUoS-ycar old is very fond of oranges.
One day when ho had eaten a large one he
como to mamma and wanted more. "How
many are there in tho dishf asked trmm.
He counted them. "Just three," he said
"Very well," was the reply, "there is one
for papa and one for mamma and one for
jra. You can have one." He ate it nd
i anted another.
"How many cro leftr said mamma.
"Just two," bo replied, "one for papa and
jne for me."
"But where is miner said the astonished
mother.
"Oh," he replied quickly, "I Lava eaten
it." liabjhood.
Good Rules For Giants.
Omaha Teacher Did you all give atten
tion to tho story of David and Gohahf
Class Yes'm.
"Xow why did that contest take placer
Little Girl Sp tho big armies wouldn't
have to fight and so many get killed.
"Correct. 2ow why was it that a youth
liko David was able to conquer a giant like
GoIiahP
Littlo Boy (recently from Boston) Cause
they didn't fight 'cordin' to Quccnsberry
rules. Omaha World.
Not on an Empty Stomach.
Anxious Arkansaw Mother Tommy, is
that a green persimmon you air eatin'f
"Yes, maw."
"Don't you know it aint healthy to eat
green persimmons on on empty stomach P
"I ain't catin1 this persimmon on a empty
stomach. I ate a peck cf 'ein before I tacUod
this one." Texas Siftings.
Squelching a Poet.
Poet I hare been sending you some of my
choicest gems, but I have received no reply.
I had no idea that you n cro absent.
Editor You might have known that I was
out of town, otherwise jou would havo got
four stuff bock by return mail. Texas Sift
ings. Gen. hherman and the Darky.
After tho thcatro at St. Louis one night
Gen. VT. T. Sherman boarded a street car
with some ladies. All found seats but ono.
At the upper end of tho car was a littlo
darky, with hands in ockeU and a great
deal of the whites of his eyes showing. Tbo
general caught sight of him, and, taking him
by the collar, stood him up against tho door,
half frightened and ignorant of tho offenso
which ho had given. Then the lady sat
down. After tho car liad proceeded, a to
blocks a gentleman vacated a seat and got
out, and tho general took the young darky
in his arms, carried him to tho scat and care
fully dunied him into it. Having given up
his scat to a lady, tho darky was entitled to
tho first vacancy, and old Tecumsch saw that
bo got it. Detroit Free Press.
Lot A&rain Triumphant.
Irate Father I supposo j ou remember yeu
wanted to marry that bookkuepor of minu
at mut a year agol
Daughter Yes, father.
"A pretty sort of man you picked out. He
has decamped with my whole fortune,"
"You remember, father, that you told him
ho could not have mo until he got rich, don't
youP
"Of course the young" .
"I have just received a dispatch from him
at Montreal saying ho h rich now, but U rcr
1 cctly w illing to marry a poor man's daugh
ter." Omaha VTorld.
Haggling Over the Trice.
Counsel (to witnesr.) So you can't ;.w-ir
whether jou paid 15 or 410 for'ho coat.
Undo 1 List us!
Undo Rastus (who has been badgered a
good deal) X-no, sab, I kaint sw'ar to it. 1
think do pneo wah sixteen dollahs, an' I of
fered fifteen fer it, or it inoigkt be dat do
prico wah fifteen an' I offered sixteen fcr it.
I knows dero wah some haggliu'. Iow York
Sun
Laklly leuiuiibtra;ed.
Omaha Teacher Chemically, what is a
Himojd!
Class Carbon.
''Yes, a diamond is a pure carbon, but you
just remember that coal is also carbon; that
vni tauht in tho last lesson."
"Ycs'm."
'Xow, how can it bo demonstratal that
sol and diamonds oro so nearly alikeP
Littlo Boy Ask tho price. Omaha World.
Why He Couldn't Hwlin.
Littlo Girl (to visitor, whoso business is in
a shaky condition) I say, Mr. Brown, you
don't know how to swim, do j ou !
Mr. Brown Xo, I can't swim at all.
Littlo Girl I thought you couldn't swim,
because I heard iia say tho other day thatyoj
had a great deal of trouble in Looping your
head abo o water. Terns Siftings.
A lien and a Ilalr llestorer Man.
A ten ct Indian Springs, Fla., is covered
w'th hair iastoad of feathen It is said tho
mimufacturcr of a patent hair restorer is get
ting tho portrait of tho cliickcn cagraved to
accompany his advertisement, in which ho
will claim that the hen that hatched tho fowl
inadvertently swallowed a bottle of Lis hair
lotion. Xorristown Herr 'd.
REPUBLIC, SATURDAY. EVENING. yOVEfBER 32 188T.
BILL NYE TALKS ABOUT C0WB0Y8.
lie Fears an Inennlon of Novices (ram
the Old World.
f II E cable news
m f r o in L o u d o n
would seem to In-
mJl0 dicatothatthocom-
1V'V ing year nill wit-
syJL t8 largo hegira
of armed goslings
from Hngland ho
Intend to prosecute
tbo cow gentleman
j ana ucnuwoou
s fcuige rooming uusi-
ness on our fron
tier. It is lerhaps
.yfr szi unnecessary to
K state that BulTalo
WiUiim, the graceful and courteous hirsats
wonder from Nebraska, b largely rosponsiblo
for tins. Where cr ho lias rouo with bis ec
centric, dark red, wlf inailo Indians and his
FIKS-'klod bronctw ho lias sown tho seeds of
discontent in tuo grammar schools and bred j
open rebellion and mutiny in tho primary I
department.
lxiok along tho red hot trail of B. William
nnd you find tho American and foreign youth
alike turning nith uiuliguisid bathing
from bis educatinnnl pursuits to immerse his
legs in a loir of cliaperajos, to wield the
brief but stinging quert, to whoop up tho
red eyed, haught and high tailed Texan
Maverick, or shoot large, irregular boles into
the otherwise jmorly ventilated savage.
Ocntlo reader, wo stand uin tho crum
bling brink of n gnt cowboy eruption from
Ejgland, Ireland, Scotland, tho continent
and tho great orient itclf. I do not think
that Buffalo Bill had any idea when he
started in to rehoai so his great society drama
and horso play, that it would so soon disturb
International relations and throng our cactus
forests ami greasewood vineyards with juve
nile cowboys from Greenland's icy mountains
and India's coral strands. If be had ho
would have hesitated about it. Xow, alas!
it is too late. Ho Is billed for the Coliseum,
and already people from Lyrsilla and tho
citron groves of St, Lawrence county are
coming into town, bringing their dinners and
hitching their teams to tho fence behind tho
Coliseum.
Hani, bluo preserved seats, I am told, are
being erected around the amphitheatre, and
the Roman schotls are closed. Everything
points toward a great festal day, if that
would be tbo right kind of day to uo in this
place. Is it to be wonderad at that we will
oon see Roman cowboys, who ought to be in
school, landing hereon our coasts and inquir
ing at the corner i f Broadway and Chambers
street where thej can find an Indian out
break to quclll May ne not look for tho
Arabian and CI incse contingent by next
spring, armed to the teeth and asking at an
intelligence ofllcj when the Dcadwood stage
is expected, so that they can attack it and
rob it a few times!
I saw ono of these kindergarten cowboys
get off a train onco and go up through tho
town. Afterward I saw him como back.
Ho looked different somehow. When he got
o(7 at the station I noticed that he had long
hair, which was tied back with a pale blue
watered silk ribbon. Ho had long legs.
ft&2IC
A ROUAX FATHER,
which seemed to extend from his Adam's
applo to the ground. A narrow, red four-in-hand
necktio denoted where tho legs termi
nated and tho head began. IIo looked real
tweet. When he took tho return train thero
was nothing by which to identify him except
a strawberry mark, which ho carried care
fully conceal.d in a shawl strap.
Boys n bo sigh to dash madly across tho
ploiasor follow tho cow path to fame do cot
know of the dangers and desolation such a
Lfj involves. There are two classes of cow
boys in the west, viz., tho working cowboy
sad the lay figure cowboy. The Litter re
mains in town and rolls cigarettes, which ho
cnoies fiercely through his nose. Ho talks
learnedly of cattle brands, corrals, round ups,
"cavvyards," ranges, bands, bunches and
henls, but doesn't really know a range cow
from a Texas stoer.
The genuine cowboy is not always beautiful,
but ho is conversant with his business, knows
frcry brand in Ids district at least and who
owns it; is brave where bravery U most
needed, that is, in tho discharge of his duty.
To stand watch all ni-ht in a blizzard and
hold a band of restless, bellowing cattle from
stampeding, to ride all the next day half
ssleep in his saddle, to fall occasionally from
bis iny when the la"3r makes a mistake and
stops into a prairio dog village, or to hn o a
collar bono broken when fifty miles from a
physician, are some of tlie features of cowboy
life which tho boys who run away from school
to cross tho Missouri do uoi consider.
Moreover, it ould be will if ccry loy in
America or elsewhere w ould write in hU own
hat with n bluo jwacil that there u no rose
bordered roid to success, and that even tho
man who is born beautiful and marries rich
has to fight his way. The great west docs
not so sorely need pretty men with buckskin
clothes us it duos good citizens w ho ore will-
Iing to work. hcrever tho sun shines or
gras3 grows and water runs, tho young man
w jo will givo a good day's work for a fair
I diy's wagC3 will surely bo promoted as hode
scrvos it. It may not bo funny, but it is the
nevi r dying truth that industry, integrity
an.1 jcr. eranco are mijhty good substi
i tutcs for symmetry, genius and hair. Bill
1 v ..... Vn,-, V..V V-nY-U
IJUW.'U" A U. Jk ,V..
THE JOYS OF LIFE.
A Tew Nugget of Wisdom About Our
Homo I'ets.
I have received a letter asking for half a
ream of advice at my lowest rates. The
writer, a gentleman of quiet, refined taste,
sedentary habit and a sjiarsity of hair, de
sires to cheer up tho solitudj of hi3 homo by
Litioducing a pet, and wishes to know tho
ariety of pet most suitable to tho tranquil
enjoyment bo seeks, together with hints u,ion
the maintenance and general care of tho same
an1 an approximate cstimato of the cost.
Tcts vary in size and temperament. The
tastes of KUDO men incline them to largo pets
and of others to small ets.
A man inclined to llabby corpulence and
wishing to tone up his system and tono down
his waistband by steady and invigorating
excrciso may safely indulgo in a pet Icar
There is nothing I know in tho entire animal
kin'jdom so calculated to funiicb a man with
athletic pastime as a well developed liear.
Canaries aro a lemon colored afuiction but
ono degree removed from felony or yellow
fever. One pair of H canaries turned loosy
on aa unsuspecting family w.H wreck more
liappines than a saving bank cashier's vaca
tion or a fire.
If I felt that lifo was not complcto without
song I should endeavor to purchase music
without tho multiplying attachment,
Iliad a pair of canaries in June, 1871. In
August I had four; in Ovtobcr, eight, and by
June, lSTS, I had seventy-sir, and fifty-two
of tlioo wero of tho female species nnd al
ready on tho nost. I tried to give tho birdi
away, and I tried to turn them loose, but all
in vain, and I was immersed in liem-ed mid
misery until one day, in a moment of des- i
perntion, I committed arson in tho third do-,
greo, and had a reedbird breakfast. '
A jiarrot both satisfies the longing of a
man for a pet and makes lifo pleasant for the I
neighbors.
i iisl'V m
k vy J n fv V
ff0U
-. - i
ii.nc.1 I .
jkcuwtcri!2& 2T I Xkt
Mo good (m 3-XsiJjLlfsii!:11!rno'
A brtgot ana active parrot cost about (00
before ho has learmU how to swear or for
gotten how to yell. His education being
being valued nt about fJ a word, it can
readily be seen that fluent profanity may
only la exjiected in birds costing from 100
up. Tho most economical way for u clergy
man or an elderly maiden lady to do is to
buy the crudo parrot, hang it out of a win
dow and let it pick up the rudiments of
strong language from tho neighbors.
I bad a arrot once with a green body, a
yellow head and a bad eye, and for three
long months ho was thoughtful and observ
ant, and my aunt beuevohntly sang "Old
Hundred" to him, repeated various texts in
his hearing and in other weys tried to givo
him whokwome, Christian education. Si
multaneously, a small, freckled boy next
door coacr3od within range of tho parrot,
taking n somewhat difft rent key.
Alligators are easily domesticated, and are
pleasant irts to havo in a house with small
children, but I havo found it just as effective
to leave rat poison around, artfully spread
upon doughnuts aud other delacacies.
The most n fined nnd contemplative pet I
know is a Texan horned frog. A horned
f rog looks liko a lizard which has been passed
through a rolling uipx'hino and thci studded
with prickles. IIo docs not sing, and it is
necessary to pry bus mouth open and ram his
food down in order to keep him alivo in this
trying climate, but with these trivial draw
backs ho is n pt t of great alue.
Horned frogs cost nothing in Arizona, and
may be shipped by mill nt the same low
rates as rattlesnakes, siorpious aud other
territorial produce.
A healthy horned frog will sleep on his
belly four months without moving, and then
may 1 turned upon his back, here Jio will
sleep lour more, anu mis amusing trail en
dears htm to his owner and keeps monotony
fro'.i the door. Occasionally during the sum
iu't ho will ojn'ii his eyes and take a stealthy
Wfiew of his surroundings, but this phe
f imenon may not lie expected to occur
f tener than seven times in four years, and,
is tho process is entirely noiseless, will not
disturb even tho most sensitive person.
Pets are necessary to the higher enjoyment
of life, but how to select is ono of tho most
difficult problems ever presented. There are
incompatible! in pets, as in matrimony and
medicines Cats nnd canaries do not go well
together or, rather, go together too well,
and the consoliiiation has httle value; and
keeping a parrot in the same cago with a
monkey ilo-s not improve either his morals
or his plumage. I should advLso any ono de-st'-ous
of getting n pet which will brighten
lis dull hours and enliven care to procure
Wther a sacred whito elephant or a horned
frog, nnd retire at once to his enjoyment.
Allother varieties aro fraudulent and un
satisfactory. Henry Guy Carleton in New
York World.
The English Way.
An inquisitivo American journalist, whilo
visiting a newspaper office in London, asked
tho proprietor whom ho regarded as the best
editorial wnter.
"An old fellow named Mason," the pro
prietor replied.
"I supisc you vnluo him on account of his
scholarly stylo and depth of discussion P
"Oh, I don't know about that, but you see
his editorials all turn a column about throo
inches and a half." Arkansaw Traveler.
Mark Twain Sat Down On.
Consul W. D. Warner, of Cologne, is a big,
easy going fellow. He is an accomplished
linguist and has been through the German
utmcrsitics, where he imbibed a high regard
for tho philosophic and profound and in
equal proportions a contempt for the friv
olous and funny. Mark Twain visited him
ncc. The novelty of acquaintance had not
worn off when Twain desired to know if
Warner hail ever read "Roughing It."
"Xo," was tho response.
"Well, I suppose you'vo seen 'Innocents
Abroad r1 " ho asked.
"Xevcr."
"Xor 'Tom Sawycrr "
"Haven't heard of suck a book."
This was too much for even tho humorous
patiencoof Twain, nnd ho exclaimed petulantly-
"What in the dsuco have you road,
anyhow P
"Well," said Warner, waxing angrier as
he went on, 'Tvo read so and so and so and
so (ot.umcratiDg a long list of scientific, tho
ologic and philosophic works) that you prob
ably never heard of, much less read, but
I'd like to havo you understand, sir, that I
haven't had time to read any of the in
fernal rubbish you've been palming off on the
American puoplo for fifteen years." --
LITTLE LAUGHS.
rrank A. Munsey has written a book called
"Afloat In a Great City." Mr. Munsoy must
hao tried to cross Broadway altera Febru
ary thaw. Life.
A heu owned by a Xorristown woman
swallowed a noodle fifteen years ago. A year
later sho sold tho foL Recently she bought
a spring chicken ia market, and, whilo carv
ing tho bird sho found tho identical needlo
swallowed fifteen cars previously- She rec
ognized it by a defect in the eye. This inci
dent is no more remarkablo than somo of tho
animal end bird stories appearing in the
western j"ipcrs, but it is quite as true. Xor
ristown IIcraliL
nsrvtsl and secretive he used to be.
An ovcrreajher. shrew d ond sharp and keen.
Cut on day round a buzz Faw inonLe) ed be
And an oiThanded man since then ho's beri.
Dostoa Courier.
Employer Why do you havo to stop to
sharticn jour tiencil so often! Clerk Be
cause I write so fast Jfew Haven News.
In New York a few days ago tho wifo of
Levando Baldwin, on armless dime museum
freak, ran away with all bis money i"2M.
Baldwin now wishes ho had married a legless
dmio ,-u.,euin freak. Norristown Herald.
Wifo (ia Loarsowhisjier) Moichnel! Moich
ael! nakw u ! Thur's a lnurthenn' thafe in
tho room! iliiacl Whist, now, Rosie; bo
aisy. I hcv mo oi oa'm, mi' ef ho f oinds ony
thing I'll git up mi' take it froom 'im. Hair
perV Rjzar.
An umbrella dealer tells "how to open ia
umbrella '. ithout damaging it." It would lie
more important to Luow how to take yc ur
eyes oir en umbrella without losing it. 2or
ristoun Herald.
' llruthtr's giddy basvliall stocking!
1c tb garden brts zes flop;
Soon the 'il urnanwnt his sister
At the plumbers' social hop.
Texas Sittings.
It is said that the czar of Russia generally
wears u smih on his face. A bullet proof
siuilo, ho doubt. S racUoU Herald.
Tho man w ho mo es down life's path and
funis it strewn with smx;t surprises is he who
knows jo-t how it's done, who keeps a store
and adiertLses. Lincoln Dcuiocrut.
Xe cr hurry in our labors.
If your aims are high or If wly.
Hut, if forced by circumstaiees,
Wiivu ou hurry, burcrrlowly.
Txas Siftings.
Movj SoLaumburg and Mrs. 8. went to the
Austin Ojcra house. They got seats in the
gallery. Just before tbo performance began
Mrs. S. recognized a friend in tho orchestra
mid leaned over the roiling. Mose seized her
by the arm and pulled her back, exclaiming
in an ngomzjd tono of voice: " Vat for you
vnnts to fall down in dot orgesta, Repecea,
vtre it cost 1.50 a soutT Texas Siftings.
I .. " ..,- ggMswssswassswaww.w.w.w..wMMMM,MM,,.,,M. J
Something ef a Uar nirnMlf,
King Humbert, of Italy, ono day, after lla-:
tening patiently to a certain court wit who
hod a most extravagant yarn, remarked
quietly: "I can easily believe that story, be
cause I havo bad u more curious ex)ricnce
myself. On ono occasion I had been out hunt
ing all day long and was returning home
empty handed, when a thrush flow u; withlu
range of my gun, and, thinking it better than
nothing, I blazed away at it, and, to my
great astonishment, brought down not only
the thrush, but a good sized hawk. Just at
tho moment when I pulled tho trigger this
hawk, which was also out hunting, had
swooped down upon the thrush, anil in con
sequence the ono bullet struck both birds.
But that was not alL Tho report of my gun
hod scared up a rabbit, aud as luck would
havo it, tho hawk feel directly on cony's back,
and, being only wounded, immediately at
tacked tLo poor beast so fiercely that he, suf
fering undtr tho cruel claws, Ix-gan to dig up
tho earth frantically with his iws, nnd pres
ently uncovered two immense trufUcs. So, you
s"c, w ith a siiiglo shot I bagged a Uno hawk
to stuff, a thrush to broil, n nice fat rabbit to
stew, and t o splendid truffles for tho season
ing." Tho king is fond of telling how, in tho
campaigns of 1S0, ho had three buttons shot
from his coat by riflo balls, nnd bow he once
owned a horso that could jump across a ditch
th'irty feet wide, and how when a boy his
gymnastic teacher taught him to climb a wall
over 100 feet high without using a rope c
anything of the tort, Chicago Herald.
IJberty In the Very Air.
American As you are a native of Cau nda
I suppose you think that country is all right,
but for my part I should hate most awfully
to be a subject of a queen.
Canadian Tho queen is a mere figurehead;
there is no difference at all between Canada
and tho United States.
"Come to think, I believe you do hare
elections there."
"I should say we did. We have elections
and campaigns, anil political partivs and
bosses, and nngsters, and boodlers, and"
"BoodlersP
'Tlenty of 'cm."
"Well, well! Why, you are freemen just
like us." Omaha World.
She Knew Better Than That.
"You havo been very 111, havent you.
George P sho murmured softly. "I am so
glad to sec you again."
"And I nm enraptured at gating on yonr
face onco more," he replied. "I came very
near leaving you forever. Did you know
what was the matter with mtP
"No, George, not exactly. I heard it was
Ijain fever, but I didn't behave it." Mer
chant Traveler.
A Ilrrad Disease.
"If high living causes gout," he said. "It is
very strange that 1 liate rever had it."
"Are you a high hverP he woseoLed.
"Very: I live on the neienta floor of
Harlem flat."- New Ycrk Sun.
Cupid at tho Keys.
Ttirougb ths chapel's palnt
ttl Ldons
T& Autumn sunshine
flits
O'er the r rrs to the corner
Where Daphne demurely
tits.
a bd ever, us she listens.
Her color conies and goes.
An 1 her l.ps are sw etU. parted
Like tbe petals of arose.
There's a spell in tbe swelling anthem,
A coto that's tuh and clear.
Not caught I p.'est ur worshipper.
Which sho niof e can hear.
Iler heart swell with tho music,
Now low on I swett and soft
Lrivc's flarrs sport with the Leyboanl
In the chapU's orgia loft. Life.
t'nele Zeke's Decision.
T-ro of "dj young cullerd degeneration,'
as i Id undo Zeke calls 'cm, were loitering on
th . comer of Bay ond Market streets Friday
n'teruoon on their way home from school,
riscussing points in philology and philosophy
"Jeemes," asked tho younger, "how would
yen formulate this sentence: Tho gentleman
was t down on, or tho gentleman was sit
djwnonp
"Well, Thomas," replied Jeemes, "my
opinion is, it ought to bo the gentleman was
Set down on."
"G'way from hycar, yer ignunt, goodf un
nuttin, stack up. f reo niggar doodles," inter
rupted Uncle Zcke, with all tho indignation
of his nature on tiptoe. "I dun oilers says
leso new fangled, cildicated niggers'll nebbcr
bo tvuf day salt, on' dat good muddcr wit an
hoss scuso is wuf all de book laroin' in de
rojnv.url! 'Do gemmenwuz sot dounon;'
dais good sense and good grammatticc. be
sides. Glong homeT Jacksonville News
Utrald. IIow She Would Do It.
"Clara," hi said, tenderly, "if business re
verses thould como to mo after wo bio mar
ried, and wo should get to bo very, very poor,
would your love for mo grow lessP
"Never, George," replied the noble girt.
"Anil could you go into tho kitchen, dear,
and mako a loaf of bread with those dainty
littlo handif'
"You are very nico to say such a pretty
thing about my hands, but, Georgo love,
don't bo foolish about tho bread. Why, I
would send ono of the rervants round to tho
baker's for it." Now York Sun.
Mold I nc Tubllc Opinion.
Ablo Editor I fear our side has lost.
Write an editorial charging tbo opposition
with tho most flagrant and shameless frauds
on tho ballot box.
Assistant I guess you have not seen the
tho latest dispatches.
"What do they sayP
"They indicate that our side has won."
"Hello! Well, writo an editorial congratu
lating tho people that under tho present law
election frauds aro impossible." Omaha
World.
The mental state produrl by massage
la now called ncurization
The Stove, the lamp and the Mlsplaeed
Switch. f
"When shall we three meet againP Life.
A runn3 Qnestlon.
s0h, yes, the championship we've won,"
Thus to his girl speats Charley Day,
"But 'twas, when ail is cold and done.
A pretty tlrfit squeeze for us, May."
May blushes to the golden bangs
That shine beneath her high crowned bat.
And asks, the while her head she haaft,
"A tight squeeze, Cbarllal What Is that
Boston Ofwrrlar.
VfWi?
iF
PBBBBSESS?BBBBUBVkBBBBBBBBsiBBBBl
luSsBlWBiEKlBBWWJWasjHSeKTSBBV
ASSIGNEES' SALE!
THE BnSTTIR,E
CLOTHING
-A.3NT1D
Furnishing Goods
ZNT THE
No. 13 East Main Street,
WILL BE SOLD
REGARDLESS OF COST!
I
E
TO RECEIVE
J. L. Zimmerman.
ASSIO
WHEN YOU BUY YOUR
Boots and Shoes
CXE9-
GEORGE C. HANCE & CO
3STo. 14 West Main St.
You are always sure to get value received for
your money. Big blow and high
prices is not our motto.
WHEN YOU WANT COAL OF ANY KIND, GO TO
WHELDON & MERRILL,
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL DEALERS IN
nCA.XN' OFFIOBt
GRAND OPERA HOUSE. TELEPHONE 276.
BRANCH OFFICE AND YARDS:
CORNER WASHINGTON AND MECHANIC. Telephone 254.
K. P. WILLIS & SON,
PLUMBERS
2G SOUTH LIMESTONE ST.
GAS FIXTURES, SEWER PIPE, PUMPS.
RJYAL WORCESTER!"
If you want to see something really handsome in "Royal
Worcester," you can see it only at
SCHAUS' CHINA STORE,
VO. 44 SOUTH MARKET STREET.
ST OOK OF
ROOM
BARGAINS.
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