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The Daily Bulletin.
OFFICE: NO. 7H OHIO LEVEE.
OFFICIAL PAPRH OK ALEXANDER OOCNTV.
BNTKKKI) AT THE CAIRO rOKTOFFICE FOll
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Published eviry moratng iMondayi exceptedi.
Weekly, .one year t 00
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rnbltihod cverr Monday noon.
(r-Olul of live or mure lor Weekly Bulletin at
one Itm . per year, f 1 . 50. Postage In all cases
ISV4RUBLT IN ADYANCM.
All Cammnnlcatious ehould lie addressed to
K. A. BURNS IT.
Pablisher and Proprietor.
WIT AND HUMOR.
At inn child; nt twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame. If fver;
At forty, vine; nt fifty, rich;
At nxty, .ooi, or mver.
At a town meeting: in Ireland it was
recently voted that "all persons in
the town owning (log shall ho muz
zier' An editor offers a reward of five dol
lars for the host treatise on "How to
wake out-door life attractive to tho
A coteniporary mentions a case be
yond tho ordinary oculist. It is that of
a youur lady who, iustead of a pupil,
Lns a college "student in her eyo.
An illustration of stinginess is cited
bv a writer, who knows a man who
talks through his nose in order to save
tho wear and tear of tiis false teeth.
Mr. John L. Sullivan belongs to the
Concord School of Philosophy. At any
rate, thero is peace ami concord when
ha is around.
An exchange says that chickens can
be bought in' Florida for four cents
apiece. It doesn't say how big tho
A not wholly unobservant young
man in Lowell gave his intended an en
gagement ring, on tho inside of which
was engraved the legend: "In timn of
peace prepare for war."
Oscar Wilde says the American girls
have a good deal of common sense.
And in view of this fact it seems a
mystery how 0?car got nrar enough to
find them out.
Boston girls who got lost in tho
woods in the White Mountains tho other
dav did not cry "Help!" but "Threo
ladies in this direction are in urgent
need of assistance."
Old Dr. Samuel Johnson kuow what
be was talking about when, in his dic
tionary, ho put this definition: "Net
work anything recticulated or decus
strtcd" at " equal distancos, with inter
stices between the intersection."
"My dear Polly, I am surprised at
your taste in wearing another woman's
hair on your head, said Mr. Smith to
his wife. "My dearest Joo, I am equal
ly astonished that yot? persist in wear
ing another sheep's wool on your back."
A train on the Great Northern Rail
way ran into a cow the other day. It
didn't hurt the cow, but it threw the
cuirine oil' tho lino. People accustomed
to tho beefsteak furnished in tho restau
rants express much surprise at the
slight damage done to the train.
"No," said tho sad-eyed man, "I
never press a young woman to play
upon the piano. 1 tried it onco to my
sorrow." "Why, what followed?" askoil
a half-dozen eager voices. "She play
ed," replied the sad-eyed niau. "I shall
never forget tho lesson I learned that
Yes, my son, advise all your friends
not to marry money. When you have
succeeded in petting them all married
for love, you can look about you at
your leisure and then decide upon
what particular girl with money you
will lavish your love. liodon Tranx
script. When Shotwell died the boys clubbed
together to buy him a tombstone. They
couldn't ngree upon tho inscription.
Fogg suggested this: "His gun never
mised fire. Let us hope that he may
be like his gun." Hut that was consid
ered somewhat personal, and was re
jected without a division. Ihdon
As to lacing: "Oh, no," exclaimed a
t 1 .! 1 7 ... I .1 .
looseiv-girueu gin tno oilier oav, as
one of tiiose very slim-waistod peisons
(a married woman) stepped off the pier
into a ooat ana began to hunUlu Hi
oars. "If she exerts herself at all I'm
positive she'll snap in two and the u
per half go overboard. Do look at her!''
"This isn't a nieuagerie'shnrply ob
served an irascible woman to n man
who was trying to force his way through
mo crowu at tho Uoor ol a concert
room. "No, I suppose nut," returned
the man, "or they wouldn't leave an v
of tho animals here to block up the i n
trance." What to him wa.s love or hope? What
to him was joy or care? Ho stopped on
plug of mottled soap tho girl had left
on tho topmost stair, and his feet flow
out like wild, fierce wings, and ho
struck each stair with a sound like a
drum, and the girl below with the
scrubbing thing laughed like a tlend to
see him come.
When bighwawupn stopped the Sierra
Valley and Trucks stage the other day
on5 of the temlerfcet passengers took
such a fright that all color lied from bis
face. As tho robber with th pistol
, lookod into tho vehicle and told tlm pas
sengers to baud over their valuables.
his eye loll on the pallid tilivslounomv
of the scared follow, and he remarked
sympathetically: "Vt e don t want any
ming ironi you, stranger, we never
rob sick folks.
An old Vermont farmer rather took
the census man aback the other day.
Ibe census man asked him if he was
married. "No. I beant," was the ro.
ply. "Childless, then,
ing w make the entry. "Wal, no not
exactly," replied tho veteran, "1 hov
cot forty-two on em." "Gracious!"
exclalmod tho lutorlocutor.dropplng his
poncll; "I thought you said you wasn't
married!" "Wall, I ain't," was tho re
ply, "but I uster bo."
"Strictly business." "Sir." beaa
THE DAILY CAIItu HUM,KTIN: WEDNESDAY MOIt.MNit, SEPTEMBEB 20, im.
stranger as ho walked directly up to a
business man on South street yesterday.
"I am strictly business." "to am I."
"Good! I believe every man should fur
nish money for his own toiub.iU.ue."
"So do I." "Good, again! I waut to
raise $o0 to pay for a stone to stand at
my grave. What assistance will you
render tho ontorprisoP I want a busi
noss answer." "You shall have it, sir;
I will aid the enterprise by furnishing
tho corpse." Tho stranger hurried oft
without even mentioning the sort of ep
itaph ho designed having engraved on
tho sacred stone.
One of the Kansas postmasters is
moro than pleased with the new ofllcial
order. He says: "When tho wife of the
first or socond class postmaster officially
requests him to boat the carpet, or
weed the onion bed, or whitewash the
hack fence, he can draw out and read
Postmaster General Gresham's ordet
forbidding lirst or second class post
masters from absenting themselves from
their offices. " Then he can go out from
tho sheltering roof of his domicile ab
sorbed in the beautiful thought that
'there is no cloud without a silver lin
ing.'" "Get me an Indian to paddle?" asked
a lady whose daughters wero urging
her into a canoo, addressing a white
boatman standing bv. "Ves'm," was
tho civil response, "I'll get you that tall,
good-looking one you sco over there."
"I don't care about his looks," said
madam, with cool hauteur; "What I
want is Indian skill." "Jest so.marm,"
answered tho conciliatory Brother Jon
athan; "and thar you Lev skill, with
looks and eddicatiou throwed in. His
folks is mighty likely folks for Ingins,
and you will find,' marm, that that
fellow talks es good English es you or
Overhead at bedtime up-stairs in ono
of tho summer-rosort hotels. Said she:
"Yes, I think she intended It. Sho saw
I was looking very well, and sho has
two daughters of her own; horrid things
they are, too. Thoy were there that
nigiit. Sho can't get them ofl", with all
her money. Well, I camo in; and my
hair took me two hours, 1 assure you.
It lay, just as I wanted it, along my
forehead. She rushed up to mo with a
fan as big as a barn door, and com
menced fanning herself as if sho wero
worked by steam: 'My dear child, how
nico you look. But how hot it is!
Where is your dear sister?' It was a
regular hurricane; my hair How about
in all directions. I caught a glimpse
of myself in a glass; I was a fright. I
miglit have been getting myself up for
Ophelia in the mad scene. I could have
choked tho old cat. I know she meant
it. Ono of her charming daughters had
claret punch spilled over her light silk.
It was ruined. That was some con
Fishing at the Hats.
They have every data about fish
St. Clair Flats. Tho boatmen have
it figured down so line that nothing
left for Pie i'nT"nnalioi) to work on. i
asked one of I hem how many fish ho
imagined passed up tho government
canal per hour, and he promptly replied:
"I don't imagine anything about it
I know. The number is exactly 3,200
per hour. Twenty-four times that gives
you the correct figures for a day, and
if you can multiply that by 'AG') days you
have tho number for a year."
Hut won't those figures vary?"
"No, sir, not a vary. If you think
t he v do, prove tt,
"What is the average catch per capita
of people who come up here to fish?"
"ru'ven three-pound bass ana three
four pound pickerel."
"That is, if they hire ono of your
boats and go out?
certainly, under other circum
stances they never catch a fish."
"Do you believe that lish eversleep?"
"No, sir not if thero is any biting to
be done. If you should stand on the
wharf hero and lish I presume tho lish
would go to sleep all around you."
"If 1 should go out and catch a hun
dred pounds of Dassand pickerel could
I dispose of fifty or sixty pounds any
where up here?"
"Yus, sir. Wo always pnv ten cents
per pound for all over fifty pounds'
weight, I would give you a draft on
"How largo a fish did your ever see
caught up here?"
"lie weighed exactly thirty-four
pounds. That is, I don t mean tho
sturgeon hauled in hero evcrv day or
two. We don't count them. This was
"Do Ihoso who go out to fish ever
catch any small ones?"
"Never. Tho limit is two pounds."
"I suppose peoplo sometimes go out
and do not get a bito?"
"Never heard of such a case, sir."
"Is there such a thing as good or bad
luck in fishing?"
"No. sir. Tt is always good luck."
"If I should bring my own lines and
bait and boat, would I catch anything?"
"No, sir. I on could count on being
up.et and drowned."
"uo lish bite out uf curiosity or from
"Prom a sense of dulv. sir. Thev
desire to see our investmuut here grow
and build up.
"iou were speaking of sturgeon, it
a sturgeon is hooked will he maku u
run for it and tow tho bout? "
"v ould I bo certain of a tow if I
went out with you?"
"I ortaiiilv. o couh n t do bus noss
bore if wu could not guarantee such
trilling matter as that."
When wo returned nt dark, and
charged him with tho fact that I hadn't
even hnd a nibble, ho coolly replied:
"Certainly not; I sunnoscd vou we
out simply toseotliecouuiry. and there
foro didn t go nrnr any of tho lishin
grounds, iho wind was also in tho
wrong direction. It was also too late
in tno day. lMiih iitT Whv. if v,.n
yuieu iimd come up hero to
bi trmt Fret i'ress.
I lie late Dean Stanley is said to havo
rarely made a gesturu when preaching,
Due tlay ulieriuorning services Im asked
his wife if she had noticed tho it.tensity
with which tlm congregation had ca.ed
upon him during the sermon. "How
could they help It, my dear." said Ludv
Augusta, "when one of your gloves was
on top oi your uettu mo whole tinier
1 he Dean having taken off his Imi l)()
fore filtering Ihe pulpit, the glove Uln
therein had fallen on his head, and ih
he stood quite still when prcachlu
there It remained.
A mild rebuke: An Austin teacher
overheard one of the larger boys in the
class whispering to tho boy below him
that the teacher was a donkey. Tlit
teacher did not get angry at all. He
did not seize tho uoy by the collar and
draw him over tho desk whore he could
get at I im conveniently. AH the
teacher did was to remark placidly
"Harry, 1 shall mark you deficieut in
natural history, because you cannot dis
tinguish mo from a doukoy." J'exas
It is a Positive Luxury
to brush the teeth with 8OZOD0NT, so
fragrant and refreshing is it, and so pleas
ant is the taste it leaves in the mouth after
the operation. Then bow gratifying is the
effect and how complacent feels the behold
er whe views in tho glass a row of ivories
rendered spot lets, by this benign snd de
lightful toilet article. Only a tew drops on
the brush, a rag or spongo is needed for an
ablution and yet it is wondrously effective.
Eight Years' Scrofula Cured.
A valued correspondent, Albert Simpson,
Esq., writing from Peoria, III., says: "Sam
aritan Nervine cured me of scrofula, after
having suffering for 8 years with the dis
ease." Simpson lives in Peoria. Ask him.
Your druggit-t keeps it. $1.50.
From Col. J. Maidhof.of New Yok: "I
have suffered severely lor the lasf ton yc rs
from Hay Fever in early and mid-summer
and in tho fall. I desire in the interest of
my fellow suffers to testify in favor of Ely's
Cream Balm. My short use of it demon
strated its efficacy. J. Maidhof, 401 Broad
way. See a woman in another column near
Specr's Vineyards, picking grapes from
which Sjvcr's Port Grapo wine is made,
tliHt is so highly esteemed by the medical
profession, for tho use of invalids, weakly
persons and the aged. Sold by druggists.
A vigorous growth of hair is promoted
snd tho youthful color restored by apply
ing Parker's Hair Balsam.
A Vexed Clergyman.
Even tho natience of Job would become
.xhausied were he a preacher ami endeav
oring to interest his audience while they
were keeping up an incessant coughing,
making it impossible for him to be heard.
Yet, how very easy can all this be avoided
by simply ui'jng Dr. King's New Discovery
for Consumption, Coughs and Colds. Trial
bottles given away at Barclay Bros'
drug store. (2)
Disease, Propensity and Passion, brings
Mankind numberless ailments, foremost
among them are Nervousness, Nervous De
bility, and unnaturitl weakness of Genera
tive Organs; Allen's Brain Food mcctss
fully overcomes these troubles and restores
the sufferer to his former vigor, fl. At
Yoruan'8 True Friend.
A friend in need is a friend indeed. This
none can deny, especially when assistance
is rendered when one is sorely afflicted
with disease, more particularly those com
plaints aud weakness so common to our
female population. Every woman should
know that Electric Bitters are woman's true
friend, and will positively restore her to
health, even' when all other remedies fail.
A single tnal always proves our assertion.
They arc pleasant to the taste, and only cost
fifty cents a bottle, sold by Barclay Bros.(2)
HiicKien's Arnica salve
The Bust Salve In the world for Cuts,
Bruises, Sores, Ulcers, Salt Kheura, Fever
Sores, Tetter, Chapped Hands, Chilblains,
Corns, and all Skin Eruptions, and positively
cures Piles. It is guaranteed to give per
fect satisfaction, or money refunded. Price
cents pr box. f or sale by liarclay
To all who aro suffering from the errors
nd indiscretions of vouth. nervous weak
:;ecs, early decay, loss of manhood, &c, I
ttiil send a recipe that will cere you, fkei:
ok cuahue. This (jrcat remedy was
(Uncovered by a minister in South America.
Send a sell-addressed envelope to tho Ilev.
Juski'ii T. Inman, Station D., New York
Grape Culture and Port Wiuc.
Mr. A. Speer, of New Jersey, one of the
truest grape producers in tho East, com
inenccd, but a few years ago, in a small
way, to make wines from currants and
bluckbei ries and other fruits. He now con
trols laigu vineyards of the Oporto urape,
from which his famous Port Grape Wine
is made, and which chemists and physi
cians say rivals the world for beneficial
effects on weakly and aged persons, and
the consumptive. For sale by Paul O.
Wohk Given Out. On receipt of vour
address we will mnke an offer by which
you can earn $3 to 7 evenings, at your
home. Men, Women, Boys or Girls can do
it. II. O. Wilkinson &, Co., 195 and 107
Fulton Street, New York.
A Good. Investment .
My wife said 1 was a fool when I
hroiiuht home a bottle of Parkers Ginger
Tonic. But vthen it broke up tuv cough
and cured her neuralgia, and baby's dysen
tery she thought it a good investment.
JN. ). 1 linen.
To The West.
Theie are a number of routes Inadini to
the above-mentioned section, but the direct
and reliable route is via Saint T.nuis noil
over tho Missouri Pacific Ilailway. Two
trains daily arc run irom the (Jruud Union
Depot, Saint Louis to KansaB City, Leaven
worth, Atchison, St. Joseph ami Omaha.
Pullman Palace Sleeping Cars of tho very
llrest make are attached to all trains.
At Kansas City Union Depot, passongers
for Kiinuiiu. Polnrnrln. Nnw Mpvlr-ii nmt ( !r.
tf"fila "nnuuet with express trains of all
At Atchison, connection Is made with
express trains for Kansas und Nebraska
At Omaha, connection is made with tho
Overland train for California.
This lino oilers to parties vnrouto to the
West and Northwest, not only fast time
aud superior accomodations, but beautiful
scenery, as it passes through tho finest por
tion of Missouri und Nebraska. Bend for
Illustrated maps, pamphlets, &c of tliii
line, which will bo mailed freo,
C. B. KlRNAN, F. ClIANDMSn,
Asa't Ueu'l Pans. Agent. Gcu'l Pass Agent.
PORT GUAPE WINE
rrillSCELEBKATED NATIVE WINK li ma le
A from tho Juiro of tuu Oporto Orape, rained In
till couutiy. ltn Invaluable tonic and itrencth
enltut propertiee are unnurpaened bv any other
Native Wine, tli-lny ibe pnro Juice of the Grape,
produced under Mr. Specr'a own personal inpervl
nou, lit purity Hnd Kesulniueai, are guaranteed
Th') vouuest child uiiiy partake of Ha fli-nerona
qualities, and the weitkt'rt Invalid use It to ad van
tHKO It I particularly beneficial to the aged aud
debilitated, and iMiiU'd tu the various ailtnente that
affect the weaker eej. It la In every reaped A
WINE TO UK HEM ED ON.
Sneer's P. J. Sherry.
Tho P. J. bliKKH Y sa wlno of Superior Cbar
actor and partake of the rlchqnahtlea of the grape
from which It la made For i'urtty, Klchneaa, Fla
voi and Medicinal Tropertiea, It will be found uo
Speer's P. J. Hrandv.
Thla BRANDY stands unrivaled in thla Country
belnu far superior fur medicinal purposes. It Is a
puredtstlllatlvm lro:u the grape, auu contain val
uable mudlcloal properties, tt has a delicate fla
vor, similarto that of Ihe grapes, from which It Is
distilled, and is In great favor among Arel-clas
famlllei,. See that bo signature of ALFHED
KHKKH, raesalf , N . J Is over tho cork of each
Sold Uv PAUL, sen mi
AND BY DHCGOISTS EVEKYWRKKE.
JUTTAi, All) SOC1KTY.
SUBSTITUTE Full LIFE INSUR
ANCE ( I'M PA NIKS.
WIDOWS' k ORPHANS
Mutual Aid Society,
Organized Julv 1 4th, 1R77, TJnder the Laws o
the JtRte of Illinois. Copyrighted Jolt
9, 1877, 1'mlcr Act of Congress.
J AS. fi. McliAIt EY President
.1 II. KOHINKON
m. run. lip
J. A. UOLoSTINE
W. II. WAKEAN I
J. 8. PKTKIE (
.... Medical Advisers
ED. II. WHITE Assistant riecreUuy
F. X K C V TIVKCOMM1TTKK.
W. C. JOCELYN,
J. A. fioldstlne, of Oolilstlrie Rosenwater, whole
sale and retol drv good, etc.; Jaa. H. McOahey,
lumber dealer; Win. V. Pitcher, general agent ;
Albert Lewi, dealer in flour and grain; L.H.
Thomas, bricklayer; Motes Phillips, contractor
aud builder; It. A. t'humbloy, grocer; Tho.
Li-wis, secretary and attoruey-at-law; A. H.
Slanan, H-ma-athic physician; II Ha der, of
Satilcr Son. irrocers; K, II Balrd. stree' super
visor; Kd H. White, ass't sec. W. O. M. A. So
ciety; J. W. Spier, lumber and aiiw-mlllj K. L.
OernliMjti, barber; F.. H Dietrich, clerk V., 8t. L.
il'.K K.j M. Knbier. merchant tailor: Jeff M.
Clark, dealer In wall-paper and window shades; .1.
K English, contractor and builder; WillT. Ked
burn.of iloroe A Huilburn, cigar manufacturers;
F. Vincent, dealer In lime ai d cement; I. A.
Phe'pn, photographer; Vf.C. Jncelyn, dentist; 8
II. Taber. mfg, Jeweler; J. II. Hobitisiin, J, P. and
notary public; J. 8. Peine, physician; H. W.
HostwIi'K, Insurance agent; E. K. Jarbnn. foreman
Ht. (ias mains, and E E. VValbridge. lumber anl
saw-mill, of (lalro; H. I.olghton. cashur Nat.
Hank.Stuart, Iowa; Ilev. F. A. VVIIkerson, Pryor"
hum. Ky.; J.VV. Tarry, phylclan. Fulton. Kv
AND LACK VITAL ENERGY?
1 tic lliwaril (UlrunlcHhlelOi
uii'1 uiiriitrwr hittclroGaJp
voii" and MatiHtlo Applft
tinresnud (lartitHnts are a
MirBfUiM lor Nervuunbehil
Ity, I'antlysls, Ule'umKtlnm
r.4lef,F ihautloo, Iium
df Vita. bnMriir. Overwork
ed llraln, Wei.k 13ack. Kid
ney, J.tver. and hlomftcb
coMii'iHiras.An'i are adapt
ed to Enroot 8 fx. TbeM
vxrr lateat Im
proved, nnd o
from bells naS all
nthxrs, as they
adds, cunning 00
sonis, rinr Irrita
can Imi worn at
work as rll as
not only nntloa
alilx to wsarar.
mil stnaes of ail
n.ll. . .
is 01 mB"m. i ii'ina ror nr,n unjjt at irnro reaeb.
the Mat ot dliB, as Mimv ant direct upon Nsrvous,
Muaeular, ami l.nnillv ('miters, aerodlly rmlorlna
thavltalltr-whteti l Klerlrlelty-ilralrn-d from Onus
turn Ivy eioevi or Iniilnrrstlnns, they tuns la a natural
way nvsrootus tlm wi-namma wlttmnt rimutflnif the atom
(Mill. Thny will I'tiri, nvnry niw aliort of struotnral dar
gnnrttoo. "oil am prspared to furnish tha oiost
Ymiihutlo and admlul pniot to support eur claims.
Ilualratn't HumpuM Pros , or sent son ImI tor So poatsae,
OoaiulUtlet j, AMIRIOAN QAt-VANIO CO.
ItHetovltulf 81 2 N. Oth 8;.. 8t. tOuls.M
PROPRIETOR OK 8FROATB PATENT
ICF. BY TilK CAR LOAD OR T0N,WEL1
PACKED FOR 8IIIPP1NO
Cax' Loads a Specialty.
Cor. Twelfth Street and Leyee,
Spker's Port Qpape "Wine !
four years old.
.1 aV?0 WfcRoTw? I
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