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EING LIFE uitl JOHN HENIY SGeozrgeV Hobartt e John Henry On Vanity SAY! have you ever noticed that the bug called Vanity can cook up more trouble for human beings than any germ that ever built its nest In a brain cell? Its a subtle little disease, this fever we call Vanity. No man ever knows he has it but he can always recognize the symptoms in his neighbor. Sometimes it breaks out in diamond rings on the fingers; sometimes it takes the form of ragtime clothing ac companied by rainbow neckties, and sometimes it drives a man into politics who should remain at his post as the chauffeur of a garbage wagon. And then again there are occaslops when it never shows in a man until after. he is dead and his will reads, "'I give and bequeath the sum of thirty thousand dollars for the purposes of scattering my ashes from the highest peak of the Himalaya mountains." Hep Hardy has it for keeps. Around at the club the other night I saw him drink seven Scotoh highballs because somebody swelled him all up by telling him he never showed the effects of liquor. Then he had to lean against the buildings all the way home. Even friend wife isn't proof against the Vanity microbe. Not long ago some fresh friend told her that she was getting stout and Peaches promptly fell for every obes ity cure known to modern science. During her calmer moments Peaches has the general appearance of a Fletch arising canary bird, but when some amiable idiot told her that day by day she was growing to look more and more like a public building she ut tered a few shrill screams and started after that obesity proposition with a tomahawk. I tried to flag her and talk her out of it, but she waved me back and said she wasn't going through this world chaperoning a double chin. So Peaches started in to ptut the sabots to the fatty tissues, and for a week our erstwhile peaceful home be came two reels in the Movies entitled ''A Rough Night at Sea." When I reached home on the eve of the Battle of Embonpoint I found Peaches strolling around the campus made up to look like a lady scarecrow. Her face was concealed behind a mus lin mask, there was a feverish glitter in her eyes and in both hands she clutched a book which proclaimed itself "The Road to Beauty; or, How to Get Thin Without Calling in the Coroner." As I breesed through the turnstile with a cheep "Good eventide, Las ate!" she turned her acetylene lamps on me and burned me to a standstill. Then she threw both herself and the book on our nearly-Persian rug and began to roll around the room. Seek ing new worlds to conquer, she rolled out into the dining room, bumped into the sideboard, and exit, rolling into hall with glass-crash. "What's the idea?" I gasped, when friend wife rolled back into my life again and dropped anchor in a Morris chair. "Reducing," she answered in the still, small voice of a Marathon run ner at the end of the ninety-fourth mile. Then she rushed out and weighed herself and came back with the glad tidings that she'd lost six and one-quarter ounces. "Eat one of our new cook's break fast rolls and get it back permanent ly." I suggested, and Peaches didn't speak to me for twenty minutes. The next morning Aunt Louisa MIf "What's the Idea? I Gasped. fendale. who weighs 278 In her war paint, floated in and told Peaches that she had picked out the wrong kind of exercise, and presently I was chased off downtown tS a rowing machine, a set of Indian clubs and sixty cents worth of dumbbells. That evening Peaches jumped mer rily aboard the rowing machine and bore away to the northeast, with a strong ebb tide on the port bow. She was about four miles up the river and going hard when a strap broke, whereupon Peaches went c er board with a splash that upeet nist of the furniture ia the room And knocked her manicure set down be hind the bureau. 9 One of the oars went up in the air and landed on the bridge of my nose, because my face happened to be in the way when the oar came down. When loving hands finally untangled Peaches frnm the chain drive of a cacking cha., she found that, with the help of the rowing machine, she had lest nearly two poWnds-mostly o[ the d ofat her elbow. A day or two later Mrs. Pitzenstaatz, who tips the beam at 243.flopped in like an amiable seal and told Peaches that her system of physical torture was all wrong. Once more I hotfooted it for the shopping district and returned with one of those rubber contrivances which you carefully fasten to the wall. and then take hold of the handles and try to pull it off again. Bright and early the next glad morn ing Peaches grabbed the handles and was getting away from her fat little self at the rate of an ounce an hour when one of the rubber strings sud denly quit the job and then something kicked Peaches just where a good singer gets her coloratura. When Peaches fell wounded on the field of battle she decided hurriedly that something must fall with her so she selected our new talking machine. and there was such a crash that our new cook thought the end of the world had arrived and she ran screaming in the direction of Paterson, N. J. I had to pour a pitcher of ice water over Peaches' facial expression before she came to, and then she found that all she had lost by the new process was her breath and $24 worth of rec. ords. She was sitting on a Caruso, with her left foot embedded in a Tetrasuini o -o I v Sometimes It Takes the Form of Rag Time Clothing. while fragments of a Victor Herbert medley nestled coyly in her hair. Mrs. Gadfrey dropped in next day about lunch time and told Peaches that the only real way to reduce the flesh is to take a long walk; so Peaches picked out a long walk and took it. After she was gone about six hours. and it was getting dark she called me up on the long distance and broke the news to me that she had walked some fifteen miles, and that she had been terribly extravagant and had used up all the walk that was in her, and would I please be so kind as to send a taxi and not leave her to perish in a dtrange land among the savage tribes in the Bronx. When Peaches reached home that night she found that all the flesh she had lost was her pocketbook contain ing ten dollars, and I was set back ten dollars for cab hire, making a total re duction of four pounds-English money. A few days later while I was down town Mrs. Carruthers dropped in, also at lunlch time, and carefully explained to friend wife that the only way to beat back an attack of avoirdupois is to take electric baths. An hour later Peaches gathered up the family plate and exchanged it for an electric blanket, which she had sent home immediately. It was cold that night so I wasn't at all surprised to see what I supposed was a Mackinaw coat spread over the bed. I figured on reaching Dreamland by the fast express but. heavens! how warm it began to get. "The janitor is sure annoying the radiators with a lot of steam tonight." I said, feverishly, but all I got was a sharp "Shush!" from the other half of the sketch. A half hour passed and one by one my features trickled away from my face. The temperature Jumped up to 211 in the dark. "For the friendship of Mike," I plead ed, "can't we throw this asbestos quilt on the floor and come out of the fiery furnace? "Don't move!" snapped Peaches; "don't move!" For another half hour I strolled with Dmate through his favorite boiler room. I felt something sharp and pe culiar on my back. It was one of my shoulder blades peeping out to see what the matter was. The tempera ture had started to display itself in four figures when I gasped, "What is this thing that's over us-a plumber's blow-pipe?" "Shush!" whispered Peaches, "it's an electric blanket-we're reducing!" Shrieking the battleery of Freedom I pushed the volcano off the bed and jumped to my feet. Peaches also jumped to her feet and with one of them stepped on an ohm or something, whereupon she let a blood-curdling yell out of her that could be heard in Winnipeg. Then she put her other foot down and landed on a volt or an ampere or something equally exciting and be came short-circuited. She was the best little short-circuit that ever fussed a fuse. For two minutes that room looked like a thunderstorm with Peaches playing all the elements. When I finally got the current turned off and all the live wires out of her hair Peaches collapsed on the sofa, screaming! "Take it away! Take it away! Now I know what a hard life the third rail must lead!" I think the electric blanket has cured friend wife. At any rate all the exercising do furinys have been presented to the jan itor's children, and Peaches has prom ised to be kind to a double chin if Na ture slips her one. Old King Solomon had the right idea when he said to his typewriter, "Van ity, vanity, all is vanity!" If a surgeon could remove our Van ity as easily as he removes ah appen dix there'd be a lot more money in the savings bank. What do you think? HOW ONE MAN GOT HIS START Couldn't Go In for a Literary Career, So Went' Into Hardware Business. "I got my start in life," said a wealthy retired hardware dealer, "in a singular manner. "You might not think it, I having passed the major portion of my life in selling nails, padlocks, stoves and shovels, but in my early youth my great ambition was to be a writer, an author. I had no doubt whatever that that was what I was cut out for, and certainly I worked at it good and hard; but none of the publishers to whom I sent my things seemed to agree with me. As fast as I sent the things in to them they would send them back. "But that didn't worry me. I knew that sooner or later they would come to like what I wrote and buy it. What got my goat was the expense. I was a very ready writer and I wrote long pieces. The stamlps I had to use to send these pieces out and get them back cost me a -lot of money. "When I realized how much I was paying out for stamps I said to my self: 'Humpt! I'll save up that money for five years and then I'll go to writ ing again.' And for the next five years I did put aside regularly the amount that I would otherwise have spent for stamps and you would be surprised if I should tell you how much it amounted to. But at the end of that time I did not again take up writing. "Just at that time the senior part ner of the hardware store in our town died and his heirs drep out all his interest in the firm. There was a chance for a man with a little cap ital to get into a good business. I had the capital, by accumulated stamp money, and I bought that interest in the hardware store. "From that time on I was always too busy to write; but my great suc cess in the hardware business you can clearly trace to my original ambi bition for authorship." So-Called Humane Bullets. We are told in the current news papers that Alexander Foster Hum phrey of Pilttsbargh has invented a bullet supplied with narcotics and an tiseptics, the former to relieve the pain of a wound and the latter to aid the healing operations. At least two patents have issued for narcotizsing bullets, both especially designed for use in capturing the lower animals. One patent issued in 1910 to James Francis O'Byrne and Thomas A. Flood of Salt Lake City, for a bullet carry ing a narcotic whose anaesthetic effect when shot into a fleshy portion of an animal would so affect it as to render its capture and control comparatively easy. The other patent was issued in 1911 to K. Burgsmuller of Krelensen, Germany, for a cartridge filled, with a mixture of capsicine in an imme dlately gasfiable form for narcotising animals. Tall Hats of the Past. In spite of statements made lately to the contrary, tall hats were invented long before 1813. A Mr. Tott of Tot tenham, who died in 1767, left £50 to the governors of the Tottenham tree grammar school, the interest of which was to be devoted to the pur chase of three tall hats uas prlses for the three best boys. The hats used to be purchased from a hatter in Bishopsgate street, named Greenway, for 24s, but in 1811 he in formed the governor that a duty of 1s each had been imposed, and the cost raised to 27s. The duty wuas again raised to 2s each, and in 1813 to 2s Gd. The duty was afterwards repealed, but by that time the governors were pau chasing Bibles instead of hats for the boys.-Pall Mall Gazette. The Devil's Own. The Inns of Court Officers' Training corps is proud of its traditional name, the Devil's Own. a title which links it with the patriots of the four inn, who formed a volunteer corps in the time of the Napoleonic wars. It was George III who bestowed the title on the corps. He was reviewing bands of volunteers and. as one particularly smart body of men passed before him, asked who they were. "Law. yers," was the reply. "The Devil's Own, the Devil's Own" said the old king, who had a habit of repeatintg his phrases. And the lawyers, who bad a sase of humor, adopted the title with gh--Lsmdoa ~hreulds, STOP CALOMEL! TAKE DODSON'S LIVER TONE New Discovery! Takes Place of Dangerous Calomel--h Puts Your Liver To Work Without Making You Sick-Eat Anything It Can Not Salivate--Don't Lose a Day's Workl I discovered a vegetable compound that does the work of dangerous, sickening calomel and I want every reader of this paper to try a bottle and if it doesn't straighten you up better and quicker than salivating calomel just go back to the store and get your money. I guarantee that one spoonful of Dodson's Liver Tone will put your sluggish liver to work and clean your thirty feet of bowels of the sour bile and constipation poison which is clogging your system and making you feel miserable. I guarantee that one spoonful of this harmless liquid liver medicine will relieve the headache, biliousness, coated tongue, ague. malaria, sour stomach or any other distress caused by a torpid liver as quickly as a dose of vile, nauseating calomel, besides it will not make you sick or keep you from a day's work. I want FEW WAR PLAYS HAVE LIFE Writers Seldom Succeseful in Produc ing Dramas That Long Hold Public Attention. To write a long list of plays which have in their day figured as war plays would neither prove nor disprove any thing except this-thu.t they were so written as to deserve recognition from posterity, or not; it t ey were they got it, and if they were badly done, nobody remembers them; certainly the fact that they exploit a passage at arms, a battle of war, never kept bad plays out of the limbo of forgetful ness. Dryden's enormous product includes at least two dozen war plays, and they are the deadest in our literature, ac cording to the Theater Magazine. He loves alarms and excursions, but while one ode devoted to them in a spectacu lar way is spouted by every schoolboy, the plays of this poet in which war as a spectacle figures even more grandiloquently are quite lost to all but the bibliophile. The first war plays that naturally recur to the Anglo-Saxon mind are Shakespeare's histories. These are war plays, indeed, it any exist in Eng lish. Armies march and countermarch through them, battles are joined, lost or won, cities are besieged and taken, the sight and sounds of sixteenth cen tury warfare are constantly heard and seen; they are perhaps the model war plays of our language; and Shake speare's tree hand was the only hand to deal with them. Quite a Difference. Della, after a rain, begged to go out side to play. "You may go," said her mother, "If you will stay on the walk, and not make mud-pies." It was not long before Della was leaning suspiciously far over the walk. "I thought you promised not to .aske mud-pies," mother called. "I'm not, mamma," replied Della. "I'm making doughnuts." Willing. "Do you know how many gallons of intoxicating liquor are consumed in this country every year?" asked the reformer. "No, I don't," said the man with the red nose, "but if you'll lend me a dime I'll go across the street and help the good work along." ro Drive Out Muriim And Bili Up The Sysem Tase the Old Standard GROVE'S TASTELESS chill TONIC You snow what you are taking, as the formula is printed on every labeL showing it s Quinine and Iron in a tasteless form. The Quinine drives out malaria, the Iron builds up the system. 50 cents Adv. His .Way. "Old Genesal Putnam would be a good man to have in the emergen cies of this war." "Why so?" "Because he knew how to jump into a hole and get out of one." Hard to Please. "Here's your bean soup, sir. Any thing else, sir?" "Umm," said the patron, as he sur veyed the watery mixture before him. "You might show me the bean." Surely. Patience-What does a woman have to do first to get a divorce? Patrice-Why, get remarried, of course. Mighty Slow Pay. Staylate-I always pay as I go. Miss Weary (yawning)-Your cred itors have my sympathy. eeo J M Mfoit aWe muemC Go.. Go to a friend for advice, to a straa ger for charity and to a relative for nothing. Smile ik,beautiful elear white clths Cr Ball Blue, Americs med, therefore best. All prees. Adv. T'b rule is that those who shave themselves hear less baseball Wends on man or beast should be healed by Hastord's Balsam. Adv. The average man is always pld av mae wages. aio LokPo *r -~~~4 al U. DANGER IN CLOSE ALLIANCES Investigation Has Shown That Cancer Is Most Probable When Cousins ..re Wedded. Speaking of the possible hereditary tendency to cancer, Dr. Charles B. Davenport of the eugenics laboratory at Cold Spring Harbor, N. Y., says of the fact that the incidence of cancer is highest in Maine: "I have no doubt that this is due to the presence of one or more races in Maine which are non immune to cancer." Doctor Davenport's studies "indicate that resistance to cancer is a positive (dominant) trait and that nonresist ance appears in children only when both parents belong to a nonresistant race. And this result is commonest, other thingd being equal, where cousin marriages are commonest, because that makes it probable that if one parent belongs to a cancer race, the other-the cousin-will belong to the same cancer race. Now, in rural Maine-cousin marriages are extremely frequent, especially in the Islands off the coast, and here we have the con ditions for the result-the high inci dence of numbers of the cancer race in an inbred community." Baby's Bedroom. The room in whloh a baby sleeps should contain no upholatered furni ture or heavy curtains on which dirt and germs can find a lodging and breeding place. The walls, if possible, should be so finihed as to allow fre quent wiping with a damp cloth. The temperature of the baby's room should be kept not higher than 68 or 70 de grees in winter and in summer should be kept as cool as possible with awn ings and shutters. The windows should be kept open day and night in summer and in winter the room should be aired two or three times a day. Trouble Ahead. The person popularly known as the head of the h use turned his key in the door and entered as quietly as possible. "Where's your mother!" ihe whis pered as his young son appeared. "Sh!" cauntioned the boy. "She's waiting upstairs in the war soane, ad I think she's got your range." Couldn't Put That In Print. Doctor-That last case has made me miss the big dinner this evening to the distinguished Professor Jay. It's too late now. His Wife-Never mind, dear; the speeches will be published. Doctor-Yes, but the dinner won't. More Useful. "Belle, it is a shame the way you keep those two nice young men on the string. You really should tell which one you prefer." "No, I believe in maintaining a strict neutrality." A Slight Mistake. "Was it the Goodchild ranges the Russians have been driven from?" "There's no such place as the Good child ranges." "I mean the Beskids-same thlng." Cure Ivy Poisoning. Por ivy poisoning apply Hanford's Balsam. It Is antiseptie and may be used to kill the poison. Prompt relief should follow the first applleato. Adv. A Left Hand. "No matter how many times a girl gives her band in marriage to a man," remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "she always has one left." For sprains make a thorough appli eation of Hanford's Balsam, well rub bed In. Adv. A wise girl sever tarns down oe offer of marriage until iets a strangle hold on a better e. When you dislike anyone, isant it a fact that you dislike his leaugh more than anything about him? Sold upon merit--Hnord's slea. Adv. Probably the biggest thing about a )elous woma is her suegicimm. It's eaier to leaud a hiuahd thas to keep him laade Peope who see tee fh se alweSs gtaig tote a hle. _. to see a bottle of this wonderful tver medicine in every home in the South. Calomel is poleon-it's mercury-it attacks the bones often causing rheumatism. Calomel Is dangerous. It sickens-while my Dodson's Liver Tone is sate, pleasant and harmless. Eat anything afterwards. be cause it can not salivate. Give it to the children be cause It doesn't upset the stomach or shock the liver. Take a spoonful tonight and wake up feeling Sae and ready for a full day's work. Get a bottle! Try it! It it doesn't do exactly what I say, tell your dealer to hand. your moeay ack. Every druggist and store keeper in the South knows me and knows of my wonderful discovery of a mediiene that takes the place of dangerous calomeL FROM ALL THE WORLD In 20 years the city of Buenos Aires has almost trebled its population. England's per capita consumption of codfish is the greatest of any coun try. Small kerosene stoves are practi cally the only heating and cooking stoves used in Paraguay. Since the reign of George II no ab breviations have been allowed in le gal documents in England. More than five marriages are not permitted one person in Russia, and eighty years is the marriageable limit. The earth, under a thick covering of snow, is ten degrees warmer than the air immediately above the snow. Auction sales originated In ancient Rome, and were introduced to enable soldiers to dispose of spoils of war. Chemists know about 110,000 or ganic chemical compounds, and are increasing the list from 5,000 to 8,000 a year. From 1,325,000 tons of tar annually produced in Great Britain from coal. about 10,000,000 gallons of besol are obtained. The only animals left alive in the Antwerp soo are the elephants, which are now being used for military trac tion purposes. Of about 1,400,000 pounds o' cavi are obtained each year by the Astre khan fisheries. approximately 75 per cent is exported. It is believed that an ixeeleat Isub stitute for silk has been produced in Panama by cressing the blooms of certain wild fiber plants with a sps les of texture finer than cocoon sll, but with a tensile strength about five tiipes greater. A steel screw, which for 20 years helped to hold together the guide board of a wallpaper trimmer, was worn completely in two merely by pe per rubbing against it. During that times approximately 400,000 rolls of paper were trimmed by the maeins. The screw was cut as smooth as could have been done by any instrumet. Dr. R. ArmstronagJoena, chief medi eal oecer at Clayburn asylum, Weeoo tor, Mgland, is a lecture as the re lation of genids to tnsanity, recetly said that he knew a man who ould recite the "Deeline and IlI of the Roman Empire" from cover to cover. yet 'his mind continued to be of the nursery type, and be did act un derstand what he drmat*elly re cited. DOES YOUR SKIN ITCH AND BURN? If your skin itches and horns with eczema or any such tormemtig un sightly skin disease, simply wash the sore places with resinol soap and hot water, dry, and apply a little resinel ointment. The itching stops INSTANT LY. you no longer have to dig and scratch, sleep becomes possible, and healing begins at once. That s be cause the soothing, anttseptic resinol medication strikes right into the sur face, arrests the action of the disease. and almost always restores the tor tured, inflamed skin to perfect health -quickly, easily and at little cost. Prescribed by doctors for twenty years end sold by all druggists-A- v. Two Veget'btes. Dicer-Isn't there another vegetable that goes with this beet besides pota to? Walter-Yes, sir---there's horserad ish. Mersog After. Mrs. Gayboy-Who brought you home last nlsht? Gayboy-An enemy. When a married man disappears his relatives drag the river. But the d tetives look for his lady tried. HORSES FOR EUROPE MF AALF A SENUTW woorn RVE.aLS rrW.t, %imes as a smady hr chal se P r sV t as 3Ua"am mi ahies em a" a- d aa es byr fmr delag m. ORn.- a sON e~ats a, L SULL IN STRAINSE ' ilUW ird's Life Endangered Whmo Beak Was Caught Betwee the i Shellse of Clam. At first thought it is hard to Imagle how a clam could endanger the life of a bird. That such a strange elrtm stance to not im poble is shown bi the following Incide t. A settler on one of the small islands near Vancouver was returning to his home by wayof a beach of hard sand, when he beheld an unusually large sock of seagulls gathered In a compact mass and beating with their beaks and wings upon the sand. *vt 4ently they were attacking some es emy. Overhead dozens of guils wheeled and screamed Ina evident e citement. The settler was almost upon the fighting birds before they burst apart and few, chattering, toward the clouds. One, however, lay flapping upon the ground, and the man saw that a monster clam held the gull's beak in a viselike grip. It was too heavy for the bird to fly away with, and for all the gull's frantl stryu gles, it could not loosen the clam's tenacious grip. With his hunting knife the man pried open the shells and treed the captive. The gull was exbaustd ireo Its desperate efforts, and at first cold only stagger like a druaken sailor toward the water. Finally, however It few away, and soon returmed o the van of a cloud of gulls eome to inspect the enemy that had trappe one of their trlbe.-St. Andlrews 8e can. The Shirker. Mrs. Anna 8teinauer, Boston's po' licewoman was talking about her het noire, the girl who smokes. "The good, old-ftloned girl," abe said. "turns up her sleeve at rk. while the modern eagarnttesekiag. girl turns up her nose." She laughed, and added: "Or else she doesn't turn up at all' Those Holland blks. Bacon-I see British marine In terned in Holland are reelvlg tea cents and noncommissioned oBses $i cents a day as pocket money. Ugbert-Why, that's hardly eaugh to keep 'em in bulbs! No matter how insigntmleat a m may be, he is firmly coavinesd that his superiority will some day be reee nased. Usatli. deaor whiteleas dS'ht' the eeusi who ae- had n 0 Hine. Al peess. Ad. New styles are usuelly old eis pee. pie have forgotten. WOEIANGOLI WO M AlI Au IARIL TSTAi. 3am.01 of TaU.ml i ides s . geeeble Che .AMwnVs- 4 mLs I wo5M a Te s lt W U IT IJ in.a. ite wirts I4I RV b*WsI. aW M A AA UAR Moma. ve 3grw. N letmmic Lamb Wea W. N. U.. L CITTLE ROCK NO -I