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STOLEN FROM THIEVES
"Kivers," said the Aineriean, "why your
riven are nothing to ours. Compared with
our Hudson and Mississippi, your Mersey,
Severn, and Thames are sleepy, sickly
streams." "Oh, come!" protested the Eng
lishman, "I think your rivers are just as
sickly as ours." "How do you make that
out?" "Well, they are all confined to their
beds," replied the visitor.
General Peyton C. Harch said at a dinner
in Philadelphia, apropos of a military argu
ment: "It is hard to argue with our oppon
ents. They are more unreasonable than the
lady who missed the train. 'We wouldn't
have missed it,' the lady's husband growled,
'if you hadn't been so long in dressing.'
'Yes,' she said, 'and if you hadn't hurried
me so, we wouldn't have such a long wait
now tor the next.'"
To the rear door of the house of a lonely
spinster in a Pennsylvania town there re
cently came a seedy-looking person who, after
being given some food, made so bold as to
proffer this additional request: "Missus,ask
your husband if he ain't got an old pair of
trousers to give mte?" Whereupon the spin
ster, anxious not to expose her solitude, re
plied : "I am sorry, my good man, but he —
er—never wears such things."
Frederic Courtland Pengeld. the noted dip
lomat and author, was discussing at a din
ner in Philadelphia his campaign against
profiteering tailors, when a young matron
said mischievously: "Mr. Penfield, I'm as
tonished to see such a learned person as your
self going in for anything so frivolous as a
campaign against the high cost of clothes.
Clot lies don't make the man." Mr. Penfield
laughed. "Indeed they don't," he said.
"Nowadays they break him.'
lie had escorted her home, and they stood
together by the open door. What mattered
the cold to these pulsating lovers? What
mattered the icy wind that entered from the
street outside and threatened to extinguish
the flickering hall lamp? What, in fact, mat
tered anything? For their last moments had
arrived, and they would not meet again for
twenty-four hours. "Heart of my heart,"
he whispered, "how T love you!" "And how
1 love you," she whispered back, "light of
my days, light of my thoughts, light of my
very existence, light—" "Lucy," shouted her
father's angry voice from above, "just put
01 ii that light at once and get to bed."
Methodists attending the North Indiana M.
E. Conference in Richmond were discussing
what had become of a number of the old
time ministers they had known. "When the
cost of living became so high,' said one of
the group, "our pastor resigned, went to
live on his farm and now is in the dairy
business." "And T suppose." said another,
"lie now sells pastorized milk."
Aii Irishman fresh from liis native coun
try was going to a situation in Liverpool.
Feelinc puzzled how to secure his ticket at
the railway station he suddenly decided to
watch some one else obtain theirs. Presently
he heard a woman in front of him ask for
; , ticket—"Mary Hill, single." "Be jabbers,
T have it." said Pat. "Boldly stepping up
to secure his ticket he exclaimed. "Pat Mur
phy, sir, married."
1 ittle Timothy went to visit his Aunt
Elvira, a dignified and severe woman who
owned a parrot. One morning, coming un
expectedly upon Timothy and the hird, she
was horribly shocked to hear the little hoy
nsin" some profane words. "Why, Timo
thy." cried the old lady. "I helieve you're
trying to teach my parrot to swear." "Oh,
no. I'm not Auntie.' the hoy replied. "I'm
just telling it what it musn't say."
The late long staple cotton crop has made
mute a lot of money for South Carolina Ne
proes. A short time ago one of them pur
chased a high-priced car. A few days later
he went back to the saelsman. "Cap, is
you got any of dese here cowketchers ?" he
inquired. "Do you mean bumpers, Char
lie?" "Yassir." "Well, Charlie, do you
want one for both ends of your car?" "Naw
sir, cap, aint nobody gwine to ketch up wid
me. Ah jes want one fo' de front."
Apropos of the University of Pennsylva
nia 's Assyrian tablets, exonerating Eve from
all complicity in the sad business of the ap
ple, Mrs. William Yerbert, president of the
Working Girls' Vacation Society, said in
New York: "So Eve didn't tempt Adam,
after all? So Adam fell of his own accord?
Well. I'm not surprised. Tt reminds me of
Mr. Downe. 'Does Mr. Downe bear his mis
fortunes like a man?' a lady asked. 'Ex
actly like a man,' answered another lady.
'He blames all on his wife.' "
A Jeffersonville merchant has recently
placed an automatic weighing machine in
front of his store. A few days ago a citi
zen was observed standing on the machine
and closely scrutinizing the dial. His hat
was in his hand although the thermometer
marked a low temperature and a passerby
asked him why he had his hat off. "I want
to see what T weight without my outdoor
garments." said the citizen blandly. His
interlocutor walked away muttering, "He
would not weigh much less if he took his
head off as well."
"It is a strange thing," said the profes
sor. "I was shaved this morning by a
man who really is, I suppose, a little above
being a barber. I know of my own knowl
edge that he studied at Heidelberg and spent
several years in other foreign educational
centers. I know, also, that he has contri
buted scientific articles to our best magazines
Will Help You If You Will Help It
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF
Washington in and for King County.
In the Matter of the Estate of Robert M. McMann,
Deceased —N.. 27794. Notice to Creditors.
Notice is hereby given that the undersigned,
Mabel Akers, has been appointed executrix of the
estate of said deceased, and has qualified as such
executrix, and all creditors of the deceased and all
persons having claims against the deceased are re
quired to serve the same on the said executrix or
her attorneys, Sullivan & Christian, 1507 National
Realty building, Tacoma, Washington, and file
with the Clerk of the above Court, together with
the proof of such service within six months after
the date of the first publication of this notice,
to-wit: within six months after the 31st day of
Executrix of the Estate of Robert M. McMann,
SULLIVAN & CHRISTIAN,
Attorneys for Executrix,
1507 National Realty Bldg., Tacoma, Wash.
July 31-August 28, 1920
ALHAMBRA CASH GROCERY
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promptly filled. 1201-3 Jackson St., Seattle. Wash.
Thousands of Barrels
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Poured Out Nightly at the
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By the Best
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DON'T MISS IT
and has numbered among his intimate
friends men of the highest social standing.
And yet," soliloquized the professor, "he
can't shave a man decently." "By Jove,"
exclaimed young Rounder in astonishment.
"What is he a barber for, with all those ac
complishments?" "Oh, he isn' a barber,"
said the professor, yawning. "You see, I
shaved myself this morning."
Mary's teacher one day asked her to draw
a picture of Old Mother Hubbard's house,
showing Old Mother Hubbard and her dog.
Very quickly Mary drew the rough outlines
of what was supposed to be a house, plac
ing the crude form of Old Mother Hubbard
beside the door. Then, with a self-satisfied
air, she handed her finished product to the
teacher. "That is very good Mary," com
mented the teacher, as she looked at the
drawing, "but where is the dog?" "Oh,
the dog is in the house," promptly replied
A traveling man the other day was telling
of one of his customers, a hardware merch
ant in one of the smaller places in the state,
who enjoys the game of pool as a diversion
after business hours. Frequently after clos
ing his store he drops in a pool-room next
door and enjoys a game or two before going
home. His little daughter, who often waits
on him while indulging in his pastime, one
eveniner after goinsr home said to her moth
er, "What kind of a game is that daddy
plays when he takes a stick and has a ball,
then says, 'Oh Hell,?"
A. D. SMITH — B. BIRD
Phone Beacon 113
B & B PANATARIAN
Cleaning, Pressing and Repairing
Ladies Work a Specialty
We Call for and Deliver
TRY JIMMIE THE SHINE KING
Shine Parlor for Ladies and Gents
1218 Jackson Street
You Are Welcome
GREAT NORTHERN POOL AND
Cigars, Tobacco and Soft Drinks.
BOYD & WILLIAMS, Props.
1032 Jackson St.
SANDERS & COMPANY
1003-1004 L. C. Smith Building
From 8:30 A. M. to 5:30 P. M.
Phone East 179
Calls Made Promptly Day or Night
LEWIS & BLACKWELL
FUNERAL DIRECTORS and EMBALMERS
H. Alfred Lewis, Funeral Director
1215 East Marion St., Seattle
ATLAS POOL HALL
Under New Management
Wishes You a
Happy New Year
FELIX CRANE, Manager
1212 Main Street Seattle
317 22nd Aye. So.
Rooms large and commodious, on car
line, but walking distance.
MRS. S. R. CAYTON
317 22ud Aye. So.