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>HIKII ■OV « TUB • SCRIPPS NORTHWEST
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■■—4-« l— matter. l*ubllahcd ■br th* , Tinmi
Waul ■>■». i'». BTerr K«»taf ICicrpt laadar.
THE PHONE MONOPOLY
The temper of the printers who appeared hefore the city council yesterday
indicates that the public generally in Tacoina is not throwing up its hat in
ecstacies over the prospect of tying up to the Bell telephone monopoly for
another 25 years.
Sentiment on the streets seems to be almost universal in favor of the
government taking over the whole telephone system and making it a part
of the postal service. This idea received a boost Tuesday when the facts on
telephone charges in coast cities came to Mayor Seymour utterly puncturing
the claims of the local company advocates that present rates here are' as low
as can be made.
The company always insists that as the business grows the ratio of ex
penses increases. 80 if a rate of a dollar a month can be made when there are
1,000 phones in a city if the numbers increases to 10,000 the rates must go up
accordingly to at least $5 a month or the company gets the worst of it.
In the schedule of rates asked in the new franchise here the company
wants to keep the present rates until 20,000 phones are in—there are about
•14,000 now. Then it wants to boost them to $3.50 for residence and $7 for
business. This it desires to hold until 30,000 phones, and then make another
boost to $4 for residence and &8 for business houses.
And thej- insist that it cannot be run any cheaper.
But now come the rates in force in Los Angeles now. They have 37,000
telephones in there now and the rate for business houses is from $3.75 to
$5.25 and for residences from $2 to $2.25.
Yet tins Bell monopoly stands before the Tacoma city council and says
it cannot give Tacoina anything better than a $4 and $8 rate when it shall
grow to the size of Los Angeles.
On the Los Angeles basis Tacoma ought to be getting residence tele
phones for $1 a month now.
And it is a good guess that unless Tacoma gets them at that rate no new
franchise will ever be approved by the people. Tacomans are getting onto
the schemes of the Bell monopoly.
Of course the company can go before the public service commission as it
did before the city council two years ago and show its expenses are tremen
dous. But the big item in those expenses is "royalty."
It is paying a royalty to itself on the transmitter. The way it does this
is it has organized another corporation within itself to own the patents. Then
it pays this corporation outrageous royalties and when brought to court to
show its operating cost it flaunts this "royalty" bill.
It isn't a bill at all. It simply represents dividends put in the other
pocket of the monopoly owners, and when the people got onto the trick it will
be all off with the telephone grab.
LIGHT! MORE LIGHT!
Prof. A. O. Toffteen, the great Swedish-American Biblical scholar and
authority on ancient history and who has scientific titles enough to make a
14,000-kilowatt halo, has dug out a new theory as to woman's creation that
must be highly interesting to those who have had doubts on the subject.
According to this distinguished scholar, Adam was put into hypnotic
sleep and then bisected into a man and a woman "of equal physical and men
tal powers." He says that the rib story came through poor translation of the
Hebrew word "zela," which moans "side."
Without discussing whether Adam contributed a mere bone or was
carved on the perpendicular in order to yield that splendid product, woman,
it seems to us that Prof. Toffteen owes the world some explicit explanation
as to when and how there came a break in that mental and physical equality
of Mr. and Mrs. Adam.
It is beyond dispute that, physically at least, the male of the species is
the stronger of his kind. There are some who seek to cast doubt on his men
tal superiority, but let that pass. Starting on even terms physically, how did
Adam get Eve's goat, as Huxley, Spencer or Darwin might put it if Vast is
the importance of an answer to this to man of the present day, Professor.
How can a fellow, starting equal with a woman, in any respect, get the best
of it? Tell us this, Professor, and you can slice old Adam into halves, quar
ters or atoms, as it best delights you.
HEARING THEM HOLLER
How would you like to be a statesman trying to find what tariff sched
ules should be alteredf Here's a fairly good synopsis of those proceedings at
Washington Jan. 20 and 21:
California Citrus Fruit League: "Reduction on lemon duty! Why,
mas, you'd let in those cheap Italian lemons and ruin Riverside county!"
Texas Cattle Ass'n: "Great Caesar! Free meat and cattle*? You'd turn
in a flood of cheaper meats from all South America!
Louisiana Rice Protective League: "Reduction on rice?" Why, you'd
strike at the very moral up-iift of our Southern negro!"
Massachusetts Fisheries Ass'n: "Reduce the tariff on cod and herring
and you'll have every cheap foreign fish swimming this way!"
Florida Producers' Co-operative Co.: "Free onions? For God's sake!
'do you want to ruin Florida?"
Nevertheless, the consumers, comprising some 90 millions of people,
have elected a congress pledged to reduce the cost of things to eat. It is only
that handful of commit*eeraen at the table who are supposed to care what the
millions of consumers ask.
During the inaugural observances, Taft is going to ride up Pennsylvania
•venue to the White House with President Wilson. Good! The question as
to what to do with our ex-presidents is solved.
We hope to see President Wilson ride up Pennsylvania avenue with Mr.
9Paft on one side and Mr. Roosevelt on the other side of him. And we "Urge
President Wilson to keep between 'em all the way.
That German farmer of Vaughn who
demonstrated in federal court that he
could recite the U. 8. constitution ver
batim certainly las it on a lot of "con
stitutional lawyers" whose names
night be mentioned in this section.
Since the silk imports at Puget
Hound ports increased from $13,000,000
to $28,000,000 in the last year it indi
cates that somebody in this country is
wosperous, for poverty does not regale
fteelf in silks.
Gditortal Pa^e of Cfie Cacoma Cimes
About the most important thing the
legislature has done to show for its
work in January is to pass a bill to pay
their own salaries.
Pass the championship for meanness
along to Oakland. They've got a fel
low in jail there who, when his wife
had only a bottle of catsup and half-a
-loaf of stale bread in the house, tele
phoned her the menu of a fine dinner
he'd just eaten down town. Can you
THE TACQMA TIMES.
"WHAT A WAD OP CHEWING GUM EACH CHEERFUL CHEWER CHAWS!"
See the movement of the jaws.
What a wad of chewing gum each cheerful chewer chaws.
Each one chews it, chews It, chews it,
With a never ending zest.
Oh, they simply love to use it
And they'll never, never lost it
And their Jaws will never rest!
All the time, time, time,
Lacking reason, lacking rhyme,
They are chewing, chewing, chewing, and there isn't any pause.
Of the jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws.
Of the wiggle and the jiggle of the jaws.
See themotion of the Jaws,
In These Days.
Bishop Wilson of New York
said the other day that the mor
ality of New Yofk politics was
not all that could be desired.
"In politics, as in some lines of
business," he continued, "the re
mark of the very cynical young
woman holds true.
" 'So you are going to marry
George, at last,' she said to a
friend. 'What in he like?'
" 'He is the most upright, high
minded, honorable fellow in tne
world,' was the enthusiastic re
" 'Goodness, my dear,' said the
pretty cynic, 'you'll starve to
death.' " —St. Louis Globe-Demo
"The postmaster at Plunkvllle
says that if he doesn't handle
more mall they'll close the of
"Tell him to put an ad In the
local paper stating rich widow
wants husband."—Louisville Cou
TEXAS LIKES TO SEE JOE KICK
HOLES IN THE CONSTITUTION
It takes the biggest state in
the Union to ho line two Joee of
the,brands like theae: Joe Iluilcy,
ortswbile senator and principal
prop and pillar or the constitu
tion, and Joe Pastoriza, whose
daily habit it is to kick the stuff
ing out of the Texas constitution.
Joe says "a constitution la
good law as long as it is the will
of living people, and ceases to be
good law when it opposes the will
of the majority of the living."
Joe bought some land years
ago and let his neighbors make
it more valuable. Then he sola
that and by speculation in land
values created a sizable fortune,
all the time flaunting in the faces
of Houston folks the fact that
while he was idle they were doub
ling, tripling and quadrupling
the value of his property.
Also he. showed how they could
stop him and other "land boga"
from stealing from them. They
didn't try to stop him. Joe got
tired of waiting; th«n he sailed
in and queered the whole little
game for himself and his fellow
Joe ran for tax commissioner.
He was elected, and has now
pot In a whole year turning
Houston upside down and shoot
ing the "dear old constitution"
full of holes.
Public utility corporations that
had never paid a cent taxes on
their franchises screamed i"
agony. .'J ■-•
"Don't put your personal
property down for taxes, be-;
cause I am not going to tax'
a man's watch or a woman's
Constitutional lawyers argued
themselves black 1* the face, but
Joe put the non-personal prop
erty tax through.
By the simple expedient of
taxing land at its full value, and
franchises, too, Pastoriza in
creased the assessment over $s<v
000,000 and lowered the taie
from $1.70 to $1.50. Durtng^ne
year the plan h»e been tried out.
Houston has built more homes,
more factories and other im
provements than in tne same
length of time before. Lots that
were long held for Increased val
ues are being built upon or sold.
Joe J. Pastorlza Is a single
taxer. Houston used to be afraid
of his taxing scheme; now the
city swearg by him and his tax.
Moving and Storage
i 1 Ssss^s:.
"Hill Kalnit, our oldes' inhabi
tant, lias just rut his third set o'
iiiili. but Hi' prevailin' price o'
steak mokes them a hollow mock
JOE J. PASTORIZA.
LATEST MARKET REPORT
FOR TACOMA HOUSEWIVES
Pears, box, $I.oo® 1.75.
Oranges, 16 50c.
liananaa —30c don.
Apples, box, firstname.lastname@example.org
Delicious Apples, box, $1.90.
Grapefruit, 10c, 2 for 16c.
Spare Ribs, 15c lb. '
Veal Stew, 15@18c lb. /
Pork Tenderloin 45c
Roaat Beef, prime rib, 20c
Pot Roast, 16c
Boiling Iteef, 10 ©12 Ho.
Sirloin, 20022 c.
Porterhouse. 26 28a
Round Steak, 20c. •
Leg of Lamb, spring, 20c _ *
Lamb Chops, shoulder, lie: tola
and rib 20@22c.
Shoulder of Lamb. 15c lb.
Lamb stew, 100 lb. .
Roast Pork, 18, 29 (9 25c
Pork Chops, shoulder, 18020 c; loin
and rib. 2 sc. ; ... •,
Veal Roast. 2025 c.
Veal Cutlets. 2O0)>«. . --"
Ham. sliced. HQlOa.
Salt Pork. 15c
Pork Sausage, link. No; Milk, Ha
Bacon, 18 ©Me. ~ v
Corned Beet, boneless. 111
Tripe.. 10c ■ • ■•:■ XX-: . .' .
Liver, 12V»c v . —
Spring Chickens, 25c. :. <
Hens, 22c . >
Spring . Ducks. : 26c i '
Sauabs. Sic. • •, , •"- ". ,
• ■ ■-.. ■■ :■ run C
Halibut. i lbs. ■ 250.
Crabs, $1.5002 <Jo». . .
Trout, 26a lb. - •■*■ ■
Salmon. I*3. ■
Black Cod. 2 lbs. He
Rock Cud. It* , • rffSS?.' ' • 'V
Sound Smelts. 2 lbs. 250. . • ■
Shrimps, lie > ..
Codfish. • brick. \ 26c • " ' '' -' "
Olympla Oysters, $1 at. M#*' li lp
Anchovies, quart. 310. •.-;,- , '
Of the children and the adults and the very "|iaws and maws"
You can see 'em mighty plain,
On the street car and the train,
For they buy It by the box
and the crate, •
And they chew and chew in flocks,
While the maker makes a lovely pile of rocks,
Sure as fate!
And Ire gets the coin because
Of the game eternal chewing which is never knows to gas ■'■
Not a clause
In the lawß
Stops the chewer as he chaws.
As he nibbles and he gnaws,
With a smacking and a wracking of his jaws, Jaws, jaws,
of his jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws, jaws,
On the tickle of the chicle in his j*w».
He Cured Them.
The missionary smiled benevo
lently on the natives around him.
"I will cure them all of cannibal-
Ism," he said, hopefully. ' They
have treated me kindly so far,
and I am sure I shall convert
After being introduced to their
chief he retired to the special hut
the tribe had prepared for him,
where he was shortly afterward
joined by a native.
"The king has sent me to dress
you for dinner," said the man.
"Ah!" smiled the missionary.
"How thoughtful of him. You
are the royal valet, I suppose?"
"Nope," replied the native,
"I'm the royal cook." —Honolulu
"Here's a dispatch about a man
bound over for stealing a load of
pumpkins; case never came to
"Head it: 'Indictment Squash
ed." —Chicago Tribune.
No Strap Hanger.
"What made him decide not to
go on the water wagon until Jan
"Just his natural aversion to
strap-hanging. By waiting a bit
he got a seat all to himself." —
St. Louis Republic.
The Handsome Soldier.
Adjutant General Nathan B.
Forrest of the United Son* of
Confederate Veterans told at a
banquet in Memphis a military
"A handsome young soldier,"
he said, smiling, "lay In the last
;igony upon a battlefield. To the
friend bending over him he mur
" 'Tell Caroline my last
thoughts were of her. Say I died
with her portrait pressed to my
"He gulped and added: 'Tell
Minnie and Grace and Harriet
the same thing.' " —Chicago Tri
Kippered Salmon and Cod, 18c.
Kippered Herring, Ho.
Tomatoes, lb.. 15c
Squash, lb., 2%c.
Bell Peppers, lb. 25c.
Globe Onions, 8 for 10c.
Beet*. Carrots. Turnips. Onion*.
Radishes. ail bunch stut.", *
bunches for - So.
Potatoes, sack, 76®90c
Spinach, lb.. 10c.
Sweet Potatoes, selected, 6 lbs.
. 25c. ;.
Fresh Bermuda Onions. 4 lbs. 25c
Hrussel's Sprouts, 10c lb.
California Head Lettuce, 2 lbs. lie.
Celery, home frown, bunch, 2 for ISo
Head Lettuce, 2 for 15c.
BDTTBR. CHBICSB AMD EGG»
Butter, tub. 35c lb.
Fancy tub, 40c lb., 3 lbs. $1.15.
Fancy Bricks. 43c.
•--.■■-■' CM—» „ ,--■
New York, 100.
Imported Swiss, 40c
Uaquefort. lOa. -
-•----. •■•■ ■*••. ' -, *
Kresh, Ranch, fancy. 30c'
Regular, > Haute in. 25c. . ■
EYES EXAMINED • RIGHT
Glasses Rlitlit! % Price* Right
.'V OASWEIiIi OPTICAL CO. >
742 St.<Helena ay.'
Wttrfckvrift BtttiMM Office Main 13.
W9 HI lIM KS Circulation Dept. Main la.
* IIVIWJU Editorial Dept. Main 784.
OFFICE— 77O-778 COMMERCE ST.
By Berton Braley and
J. Campbell Cory.
ALL PAPERS IN EUROPE
HAVE KING'S OBIT ON TAP
ALFONSO "DOING AS HE PLEASES."
"AH right! I'll be king If I
have to, but I'll be myself, too." I
That's the spirit in which this
younß Alfonso No. 13 ha« taken
the job of being king of Spain. It
isn't a very fine country to be
king of, either. It's people are
very poor and miserable; it has
very few schools uu<i the man who .
can read and write is an excep
tion; Its army was whipped and
ita navy wiped off the seas by ,
Uncle Sam; the throne Is wabbly .
and any day a revolution may put
him into a coffin or on a steam
ship bound for foreign parts; '
twice he has sniffed the smoke of
assassin's bombs; thrice he has
dodged bullets and once he him
self knocked a knife out of an as- '
He was Just under twenty when '
he took a notion to get married. >
Of course, the courts of Europe
were full of plots and plans for
his marriage. Smoebody-, high up,
advised him to go to England to
look for a wife; the Princess Eu
genic afterward said that Princess
"Pat" of Connaught was the one
that all the plots and plans were
about. But, while on his trip to
England, Alfonso, No. 13, saw
Ena of Battenberg, who wasn't
much of anybody, as 100 per cent
royalty was concerned—some of
her forefathers having been
mixed up In morganatic marriages
—and that settled it.
Other Spaniards and Mexicans
and South Americans may hare
"Manana" as their motto, but
"Today" Is Alfonso's. They runhed
the wedding at his demand; the
pope and everybody else had to
hurry; they were married May
11, l»06, and May 10, 1907,
Prince Alfonso was born, heir to
the Spanish throne. Before his
marriage the Spanish newspapers
and officials bad pleaded with
Alfonso to quit his auto racing
Thursday, Jan. 30, 1913.
Paid in Fnll.
Mamma —Yesterday I gave you
a dime to be good; today yon are
worse than ever.
Small Sam—That's right, mam
ma; I want to show you that you
got your moneys worth yester
"Have you hot and cold water
in your house?"
"Too much of both."
"My wife is always pouring cold
water on my plans or keeping me
in hot water." —Baltimore Ameri
"What happens when you put
the dollar before the man?"
howled the candidate.
"The man goes after it," an
swered an old farmer in the
crowd. —Louisville €ourier-Jour
"When you went to the front
to help fight the Turks did you
take a prominent part?"
"Well, all 1 can say is, If you
had been there, you would hay«
seen me still in the running."—■
A Pedestrian Now.
"Cheer up! I'll have you on your
Within;* a month," said Dr.
He did—my car was sold to meet
His iiioiiuiiiciii.ii bill.
and his street meanderings and to
stop running away from his
guard of detectives —"at least,"
they said, "until an heir is born."
"Well, here's your heir," said
Alfonso, in effect. "Now let me
have some fun."
After that more automobiles
than ever upset on him, without
hurting him; he mixed up more
than ever with the folks on the
streets; his fatalism grew; his
whole attitude became, "well, if
I'm going to get it, I'm going to
get it and that's all there is to
Alt is the humanist king in the
world, perhaps; and that's saying
All the newspapers In Europe
have obituary notices of Alfonso
ready to print.
With this bank, regardless of
the business you are engaged
In, you'll find it helpful!
Many of our depositors e«n
testify to the service rendered
them, ask about our methods,
facilities and courtesy to all,
satisfy yourself as to our
Then do business wMh us.
Scandinavian American Ilank
of I aniinn.