Newspaper Page Text
NE day in the pink dawn of
the present Century, a man
with his Hair neatly set
back around the Ears and
the usual Blood Pressure,
was whizzing through a
suburban Lonesomeness on
a teetering Trolley. The name of the
man was Mr. Pallzey. He had a desk
with a Concern that did merchandizing
in a large way.
Mr. Pallzey feared Socialism and
carried his Wife's Picture in his Watch
.and wore Plasters. In other words, he
was Normal, believing nearly every
thing that appeared In the Papers.
While the Dog-Fennel was softly
brushing the Foot-Board and the Motor
was purring consistently beneath, Mr.
Pallzey looked over into a close-cropped
Pasture and became the alert Eye-Wit
ness of some very weird Doings.
He saw a pop-eyed Person in soiled
Neglige, who made threatening move
ments toward something concealed in
the White Clover, with a Weapon re
sembling the iron Dingus used in goug
ing the Clinkers from a Furnace.
"What is the plot of the Piece?" he
inquired of a Grand Army man, sitting
"I think," replied the Veteran, "I
think he is killing a Garter-Snake."
"Oh, no," spoke up the conversation
al Conductor. "He is playing Golluf,"
giving the word the Terre Haute pro
Mr. Pallzey looked with pity on the
Ioo Nut who was out in the Hot Sun,
getting himself all lathered up with
He said to G. A. R. that it took all
kinds of People to make a World. The
grizzled Warrior arose to an equal At
titude by remarking that if the dag
goned Loon had to do it for a Living,
he'd think it was Work.
Mr. Pallzey had heard of the new
Diversion for the Idle Rich, just as
people out in the Country hear of
Milk-Sickness or falling Meteors, both
well authenticated but never encoun
While rummaging through the Sport
ing Page he could come across a cryp
tic Reference to MacFearson of Drum
tochtie being 3 up and 2 to play on
Hargls of Sunset Ho, whereupon he
would experience a sense of Annoy
ance and do a quick Hurdle.
He had seen in various Show-Win
dows the spindly Utensils and snowy
Pellets which, he had reason to be
lieve, were affiliated in some way with
the sickening Fad. He would look at
them with extreme Contempt and rath
er resent their contaminating contigu
ity to the Mask, the Shin-Guard, and
the upholstered Grabber.
Mr. Pallzey believed that Golf was
played by the kind of White Rabbits
who march in Suffrage Parades, wear
The dreaded Thing lay outside of his
Orbit and beyond his Ken, the same as
Tatting or Biology. Ills conception of
a keen and sporty game was Pin Pool
or .Tacks Only with the Deuco running
One Sunday he was invited out to a
Food Saturnalia at a Country-Place.
"The Dinner was postponed until late in
the Day because they all dreaded it so
Friend Host said he had a twosome
on at the Club and was trying out an
imported Clcek, so he invited Mr. Pall
zey to be a Spectator.
If he had said that he was going up
in a Balloon to hemstitch a couple of
Clouds, it would have sounded just as
plausible to Mr. Pallzey of the Whole
Fable of the Scoffer Who Fell
By GEORGE ADE
(Copyright by thoMcClure Newspaper Syndicate)
"One Evening He Came Back to His Haggard Companion, Chortling Infant-
wise, and Displayed Something Which Looked Like an Eye-Cup With
Handles On lt.w
The latter went along, just out of
Politeness, but he was a good deal dis
appointed in his Friend. It certainly
did seem trifling for a Huskie weighing
one hundred and eighty to pick on
something about the size of a Robin's
Mr. Pallzey played Gallery all around
the Course. He would stand behind
them at the Tee and smile in a most
arid and patronizing Manner while
they sand-shuffled and shifted and jig
gled and joggled and went through the
whole calisthenic Ritual of St. Vitus.
He was surprised to note how far
Ihe Ball would speed when properly
spanked, but he thought there was no
valid excuse for overrunning on the
Mr. Pallzey found himself criticizing
the Form of the Players. That should
have been his Cue to climb the Fence.
All of the Mashiemaniacs start on
the downward Path by making Mind
Plays and getting under Bogey.
Back on the sloping Sward between
No. 18 and the Life-Saving Station, the
two Contestants were holding the usu
"Let me see that Dewflicker a min-
ute," said Mr. Pallzey, as he carelessly
extracted a Mid-Iron.
He sauntered up to the silly Globule
and took an unpremeditated Swipe.
The Stroke rang sweet and vibrant.
The ball rose in parabolic Splendor
above the highest branches of a ven
Just as the Face of the Club started
on the Following-Through, the Bacil
lus ran up and bit Mr. Pallzey on the
He saw the blinking White Spot far
out on the emerald Plain. He heard
the murmur of Admiration behind him.
He was sorry his Wife had not been
there to take it in.
"Leave me have another Ball," re
quested Mr. Pallzey.
The Virus was working.
He backed up so as to get a Running
"This time," quoth Mr. Pallzey, "I
will push it to Milwaukee."
Missing the Object of Attack by a
scant six inches, he did a Genee toe
spin and fell heavily with his Face
among the Dandelions.
The Host brushed him off and said:
"Your Stance was wrong your Tee
was too high you raised the Left
Shoulder you were too rapid on the
Come-Back the Grip was all in the
Left Hand you looked up you moved
your nead at the top of the Stroke
you allowed the Left Knee to turn,
and you stood ahead of the Ball. Oth
erwise, it was a Loo-Loo."
"If I come out next Sunday could
you borrow me a Kit of Tools?" asked
Mr. Pallzey. He was twitching violent
ly and looking at the Ball as if it had
called him a Name. "I got the first
one all right, and I think"
So it was arranged that the poor
doomed Creature was to appear on the
following Sabbath and be equipped
with a set of Cast-offs and learn all
about the Mystery of the Ages be
tween 11 a. m. and 2 p. m.
Mr. Pallzey went away not knowing
that he was a Marked Man.
On Monday he told tlio Stenographer
how he stung the Ball the first time
up. He said he was naturally quick
at picking up any kind of a Game. He
thought it would be a Lark to get the
hang of the Whole Business and then
get after some of those Berties in the
White Pants. He figured that Golf
would be a Pipe for anyone who had
played Baseball when young.
Truly all the raving Is not done with
in the Padded Cells.
He came home in the Sabbath twi
light, walking on his Ankles and bab
bling about a Dandy Drive for the
Regarding the other 378 Strokes he
was discreetly silent.
He told his Wife there was more in
It than one would suppose. The Eas
ier the Swat, the greater the Carry.
And he had made one Hole in seven.
Then he took a Parasol out of the
Jar, and illustrated the famous Long
Drive with Moving Pictures, Tableaux,
Delsarte, and some newly acquired
technical Drivel, which he mouthed
with childish Delight.
Now we see him buying Clubs, al
though he refers to them as Sticks
pro\ ing that he is still a groping Neo
He thinks that a shorter Shaft and
more of a Lay-Back wall enable him to
drive' a Mile. The Gooseneck Putter
will save him two on every Hole. Also,
will the Man please show him an Iron
guaranteed to reach all the way down
to the Dimple and plunk it right in the
Then all of the new Implements laid
out at Home and Wife sitting back,
listening to a Lecture as to what will
be pulled off on the succeeding Day
She had promised at the Altar to
Love, Honor and Listen. Still, it was
trying to see the once-loved Adult ca
vorting on the verge of Dementia and
know that she was Helpless.
ne sallied forth with those going to
Early Mass, and returned at the Ves
per Hour caked with Dust and ninety
eight per cent Locoed.
It seems that at the sixth hole on the
Last Round where you cross the Crick
twice, he fell down and broke both
Arms and both Legs. So he tore up
the Medal Score, gave all the Clubs to
the Caddy, and, standing on the grass
Summit of the tall Ridge guarding the
Bunker, he had lifted a grimy Mitt
and uttered the Vow of Renunciation.
In other words, he was Through.
The senile Wrecks and the prattling
Juveniles, for whom the Game was in
vented, could have his Part of it for
Never again would he walk on the
Grass or cook his Arms or dribble Sand
all over the dark and trampled Ground
where countless Good Men had suffer
So next day he bought all the Para
phernalia known to the Trade, and his
name was put up at a Club.
It was one of those regular and sure
enough Clubs. High East Winds pre
vailed in the Locker-Room. Every
Member was a Chick Evans when he
got back to the nineteenth hole.
Mr. Pallzey now began to regard the
Ancient and Honorable Pastime as a
compendium of Sacraments, Ordeals,
Incantations, and Ceremonial Formali
He resigned himself into the Cus
tody of a professional Laddie with
large staring Knuckles and a Dialect
that dimmed all the memories of Lau
In a short time the Form was clas
sy, but the Score had to be taken out
and buried after every Round.
Mr. Pallzey saw that this Mundane
Existence was not all Pleasure. He
had found his Life-Work. The Lode
Star of his declining Years would be
an even one hundred for the eighteen
Wife would see him out in the
Street, feeling his way along, totally
unmindful of his Whereabouts. She
would lead him into the Shade, snap
her Fingers, call his Name, and gradu
ally pull hnn out of the Trance.
He would look at her with a filmy
Gaze and smile faintly, as if partly re
membering, and then say: "Don't for
get to follow through. Keep the head
downtight with the leftno hunch
ingpivot on the hips. For a Cuppy
Lie take the Nib. If running up with
the Jigger, drop her dead. The full
St. Andrew's should not be thrown in
to a Putt. Never up, never in. Lift
the flag. Take a pick-out from Casual
Water but play the Roadways. To
overcome Slicing or Pulling, advance
the right or left Foot. Schlafling and
Socketing may be a\oided by adding a
hook with a top-spin or vice versa.
The Man says thete are twenty-six
Things to be remembered in Driving
from the Tee. One is Stance. I for
get the other twenty-five."
Then the Partner of his Joys and
Sorrows, with the account on the Deb
it Side, would shoot twenty Grains of
Aspirin into him and plant him in
Next morning at Breakfast he would
break it to her that the Brassie had de
veloped too much of a Whip and he
had decided to try a forty-inch Shaft.
They had Seasoned Hickory for
Breakfast, Bunkers for Luncheon and
the Fair Green for Dinner.
As a matter of course they had to
give up their comfortable Home among
the Friends who had got used to them
and move out to a strawboard Bunga
low so as to be near the Shambles.
Mrs. Pallzey wanted to do the White
Mountains, but Mr. Pallzey needed her.
He wanted her to be waiting on the
Veranda .at Dusk, so that he could tell
her all about it from the preliminary
Address to the final Foozle.
Sometimes he would come home en
veloped in a foglike Silence which
would last beyond early Candle Light
ing, when he would express the Opin
ion that the Administration at Wash
ington had proved a Failure.
Perhaps the very next Evening he
would lope all the way up the Graver
and breeze into her presence, smelling
like a warm gust of Air from Dundee.
He would ask her to throw an Amber
Light on the Big Hero. He would call
her "Kid" and ay that Vardon bad
THE TOMAHAWK, WHITE EASTH. MINN.
nothing on him. Her Man was the Gink
to show that Pill how to take a Joke.
Then she would know that he had
won a Box of Balls from Mrs. Talbot's
poor old crippled Father-In-Law.
She could read him like a Barometer.
If he and Mr. Hilgus, the Real Estate
Man, came home together fifteen feet
apart, stepping high and looking
straight ahead, she would know It had
been a Jolly Day on the Links.
By the second summer Mr. Pallzey
had worked up until he was allowed to
use a Shower Bath once hallowed by
the presence of Jerome Travers.
He was not exactly a Duffer. He
was what you might call a sub-Duffer,
or Varnish, which means that the Com
mittee was ashamed to mark up the
THE CIOSED DOOR
By GEORGE ELMER COBB.
I had not a friend in the city. I had
not a dollar in my pocket. Everything
in the way of honest employment had
failed me. That is how I came to be
a burglar, or rather came near to be
ing one. Let not the superman de
spise me for this confession. My
theme will show how erratic Is the
whirligig of fate, how at the brink of
temptation and sordid crime an in
stinct of innate sympathy came to a
wayward, erring one and redeemed him
at the crisis of destiny.
It was by haphazard that I became
a visitor to a den where thieves and
cracksmen congregated in their idle
moments. It was through curiosity,
watchfulness and keeping my ears
open that I gathered up a knowledge
of the clever ways of the crook, that
I realized how easy it was to make
enough at one big haul to start life
anew in some remote community, for
get the incident and acquire a new
plane for honest existence. All this
was a fallacy, for my deviation from
the path of rectitude would have sure
ly held me in the toils that never let
free a criminal once started on the
downward path. In my case peculiar
circumstances operated to lead me
back to the path called Straight.
To ray story: I had found in the
den one night a small, neat-looking
case someone had negligently left
there, and when I got with it to my
own room I found it to contain a
superb kit of burglar's tools. The
modern cracksman no longer carries a
clumsy bag. As I inspected the choice
collection of jimmies, picklocks and
skeleton keys, I comprehended their
utility. I gratified my vain thought of
expertness by prying my room window,
by locking and unlocking my room
door without a key. My attire was as
yet respectable. My face was not un
prepossessing. The police would
scarcely suspect that I was other than
a respectable clerk or professional
man. I started forth on my mission.
I had selected a superior-looking
apartment house as my point of as
sault. It was three stories in height,
and the top floor was dark, so far as
I could make out, and the presumption
was that its usual tenant was away
from home. I had no difficulty what
ever in turning the spring lock of the
street door. A very simple skeleton
key did the business. It required a
little more ingenuity to use the nip
pers in turning the key in the door of
the top suite of rooms, but I made it.
I entered the darkened apartment war
ily. I closed the door after me and
stood still, the tool case in my hand,
listening intently. I was about to
advance, when I distinctly traced foot
steps behind the draperied doorway of
the adjoining room. Then I was daz
zled by a blinding flash of brilliancy.
The electric lights had been switched
on from the next room, the draperies
parted, a man stepped into view.
"Ah!" he spoke, with quite a wel
coming nod, as though expecting me,
the doctor? The door was unlocked?
I did not know it Be seated, please."
I was quite taken unawares, but I
managed to preserve my nerve and
composure. I sank to a chair, compre
hending that this man had sent for a
physician and mistook me for one.
My host had the most villainous face I
He still had a good many superfluous
Hands and Feet and was bleeding free
ly on every Green.
Sometimes he would last as far as
the Water-Hazard and then sink with
a Bubbling Cry.
Notwithstanding which, he kept on
trying to look like the Photographs of
If he spun into the High Spinach off
at the Right it was Tough Luck. If he
whanged away with a Niblick down in
a bottomless Pit, caromed on a couple
of Oaks, and finally angled off toward
the Cup, he would go around for Days
talking about Some Shot.
As his Ambition increased, his Men
tal Arithmetic became more and more
defective and his Moral Nature was
"Missing the Object of Attack by a Scant Six Inches, He Fell Heavily, With
His Face Among the Dandelions."
had ever seen. The moment my eyes
rested upon him I read him through
and through as a scoundrel. My analy
sis later proved entirely correct. I
noted his crafty eye studying me keen
ly. Its sinister glow repelled me, but
likewise put me on my guard.
"Doctor," he said in a low tone, "I
have sent for you at the whim of my
wife, who, while an invalid, is not in
any dangerous condition. Confiden
tially, she is a hypochrondiac, has pe
culiar fancies, and one is that she is
about to die. You will cater to her
fancies, give her a sleeping potion that
will quiet her and your mission Is
done. As I have some important writ
ing to do, kindly make the visit brief.
Here is your fee in advance. You un
"Entirely so," I nodded, with a truly
professional smile. "These cases are
quite common," and I determined, in
deed, to curtail my services as much
as possible, to get out of the way be
fore the real physician summoned
The man led me through the adjoin
ing apartment, tapped at the door of
a third room and said, curtly: "Here
is the doctor," opened the door, ush
ered me across the threshold and
closed the door after me.
Upon a couch lay a woman prema
turely old. What I first noticed was
her eyes, glowing, gleaming, bright,
haunted. The face was white and
wrinkled. Her hands trembled, her
A Man Stepped Into View.
whole appearance was that of a per
son laboring under some intense spell
of terror or excitement.
She looked me over with a fairly de
vouring glance. She beckoned to me
urgently. As I approached the couch
she seized my sleeve with feverish
haste and whispered hoarsely:
"Don't let him hearpretend!"
I was thrilled and startled. I fol
lowed the mystery of the moment only
so far as to surmise that my patient
was in deadly fear of the sinister man
who had ushered me into the room,
and whom she apparently suspected of
being an eavesdropper on the other
side of that closed door.
"Pretend what?" I stumbled.
"I need no doctor," she whispered.
Then in a perfectly audible voice she
added: "Doctor, I cannot sleep. lam
As an Exponent of the more ad
vanced Play he was a Fliv, but as a
Matchmaker he was a Hum-Dlnger.
He knew he was plain pastry for the
Sharks, so he would hang around the
first Tee waiting to cop out something
One day he took on Mrs. Olmstead's
Infant Son, just home from Military
School. The tender Cadet nursed him
along to an even-up at the Punch-Bowl
and then proceeded to smear His Vital
Organs all over the Bad Lands.
That evening Mr. Pallzey told Mrs.
Pallzey she would have to cut down
on Household Expenses.
Six years after he gave up the Busi
ness Career and consecrated himself to
something more Important, Mr. Pallzey
had so well mastered the baffling Intri
cacies that he was allowed to trail in a
Foursome with the President of the
Club. This happened once.
It is well known that any Person
who mooches around a Country Club
for a sufficient Period will have some
kind of a Cup wished on to him.
Fourteen years after Mr. Pallzey
threw himself into it, Heart and Soul,
and when the Expenses approximated
$30,000, he earned his Halo.
One evening he came back to his
haggard Companion chortling infant
wise, and displayed something which
looked like an Eye-Cup with Handles
He said it was a Trophy. It was a
Consolation Offering for Maidens with
an allowance of more than eighteen.
After that their Daily Life revolved
around the Department-Store Bargain.
Mrs. Pallzey had to use Metal Polish
on it to keep it from turning Black.
When the Visitors lined up in front
of the Mantel and gazed at the tiny
Shaving-Mug, the Cellar Champion of
the World would regale them with the
story of hairbreadth 'Scapes and mov
ing Adventures by Gravel Gulleys and
rushing Streams on the Memorable Day
when he (Pallzey) had put the Blocks
to Old Man Willoughby, since de
Then he would ask all present to
feel of his Forearm, after which he
would pull the Favorite One about
Golf adding ten years to his life.
Mrs. Pallzey would be sitting back,
pouring Tea, but she never chimed in
with any Estimate as to what had been
the effect on her Table of Expecta*
MoralRemain under the Awning.
in pain. Please try and relieve me.
Bend closer," came the hushed tones
ensuing. "I am in deadly peril. I im
plore you to do me a service. Keep
talking about my sickness so he can
hear you outside there, till I hand you
I understood the situation as my pa
tient groped xrad'er the bed coverings
,and produced a jewel case and long,
"Take them!" she whispered hur
riedly. "Keep up the farce until yoisi
get safely out of the house. Then
hurry to the address written on a car4
Inside the wallet Deliver these things
to my niece. Tell her I shall he
robbed, or murdered, if she does not
hurry the police to my rescue. You
shall be richly rewarded."
I made a great clatter at my sup
posed medicine case. I voiced a lot of
medical gibberish. I bade my patieni
a truly professional adieu. I left the
room, to be shown to the door by my
host, who looked elfish and satisfied
as I Indicated that his wife would
sleep soundly through the night, and
I read his mind meditated robbery,
An automobile pulled up in front
of the house as I reached the street. A
professional-looking man stepped out.
The real doctor had arrived.
I gave my case a fling into an empty
lot and inspected the wallet. It was
filled with bank notes of large denom
ination. I opened the little box. A
galaxy of precious, flashing gems came
"Alice Derby, 22 Waltham street,"
the card within the wallet read. I
hailed a taxicab. Half an hour later
I stood within the parlor of a neat,
pretty cottage, explaining my mission
to the fairest young cerature I had
ever met, and her father. The latter
became instantly excited. He hurried
from the house with the words:
"Sir, I fear to leave my daughter
alone, while the man you have seei?
tonight is at large," and so I had that
first blissful Interview with Alice
As I learned later the man I had
met was the disowned husband of my
patient and an escaped convict. He
was returned to prison that night.
I never told the true story of my
acceptance as a doctor. My patient,
indeed, rewarded meshe helped me
into business, and she helped me to
win the peerless Alice for my bride.
(Copyright. 1917, by W. G. Chapman.)
"Wallflower" Fighting Term.
If one man refers to a fellow worker
as a "wallflower" is it suflicient provo
cation to strike him?
This is the question that Justice
Packard in central police court at Bal
timore was called upon to settle when
Henry Katz, an official of the Midcity
garage, faced the magistrate on a
charge of assault The complainant
was Samuel C. Fernheimer, manager
of the supply department.
Fernheimer was walking through the
garage when he saw Katz standing a
"If theie were not so many wallflow
ers here, there would be more work
done," remarked Fernheimer to no one
"Do you mean me?" shouted Katz.
"If the shoe fits you, wear it," retort
ed the supply man.
Then the blow came.
Magistrate Packard thought the re
mark was sufficient to justify the blow
and dismissed Katz.