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li l%*. A N A I E N A S O E I E S A E N S J* When you attend a party And gyiate with the girls, The exercise is hearty, Your brain with pleasure whirls: Bufoh' the painful feeling When suddenly you find The naked truth revealing Your necktie's up behind. As down on 'change you linger To watth the market's clo&e Some fool will point his finger At you beneath your nose And shout out quite jocosely: "Excuse me, sir, 1 find. On looking at you closely, Your necktie's up behind." On some night .vhen you're calling Upon your sweetheart fair, Oh, is it not appalling. As you your love declare, When words come hard and harder, Quite suddenly to nnd, Amid your love's sweet ardor, Your necktie's up behind? In this queer situation, No matter how one tries, There is no explanation— The necktie's bound to rise, Tis useless to reject it, By fate it is designed. And when YOU least expect it Your necktie's up behind —Clothier and Furnisher. SOME MINISTERS' TALES. BOTHER was busy in his study when a bashful young man came in with 'want to-get married' writ ten all over him. He said he would call for the preacher at 8 o'clock and take him to the hotel, where be was to marry Miss Brown, we will say, one of the chorus singers in the opera company. He didn't seem much like a man who eould win a chorus girl, but that was none of the preach er's business, so the arrangement was made, and at 8 o'clock sure enough up came the carriage. The minister was taken into a good suite of rooms on the second floor of a fairly good hotel, where a young woman of remarkable beauty, dressed in a traveling costume, rose to meet him The groom seemed more at home now, and pro duced his marriage license. As everything was regular, the couple were asked to stand up, and the bride stepped to an adjoining room and called a couple of colleagues, who came in as witnesses- The cere mony was concluded, and a moment afterward the bride said they would have to hurry to make their train. So the other girls left the room, the bride put on a traveling hat, and she and the minister and groom went down together and got in the car riage which was waiting. They were driven to the Union depot, and the sjroom helped the young lady into the station and returned? much to the minister's surprise. Telling che driver to take them to the clergy man's home, he got in and rode borne with him. "Whv, you will miss your train, will you not?" asked the (minister. "Oh, I'm not going away,' said the groom, and he turned the con versation to other topics. For over a year the minister saw the young man at least once a week, and he never saw the bride again." "What did he marry her for?" ask-ed the reporter. "I ha\en't any idea responded the divine ''But the story is true from beginning to end." •'Now and then," said a Methodist preacher from the west side, "a church communicant is not a living exponent of truth and charity. I found that out in an amusing way some vears ago while preaching a,t a church on the north side. The Rev. Mr. D—, of the Illinois conference, and I had arranged to exchange pul pits on a certain Sunday, and the an nouncement was made at the "Wed nesday evening prayer meeting pre vious. It happened that something came up later in the week which made it necessary to postpone the exchange, and so I appeared ia my own pulpit as usual Sunday morn ing. The attendance was about the same so far as I could see, but a young man, a friend of mine, after ward related to me some comments he heard while the audience was filing out of the church. One old woman remarked: "Now, that's a splendid sermon. And what a large audience he had. My! if we could only have him here every Sunday. Such a perfectly charming discourse.' You see she had heard that the exchange would be made and came to church prompt ly, but she had been absent so long .she really didn't know her own .minister when she saw him." "These stories about weddings," said the Rev. J. P. Brushmgham, "have a serious side, notwithstand ing the fact it is usually overlooked. One time I was engaged to marry a young couple, and when the evening came'jL found their address had been mislaid. I could not be found high nor low. However, I knew within a block of where the place was and re solved I would start out and try and find it. My wife said as I left, "in a spirit of railery at my carelessness, 'You'll know the place by the crape on the door.' And as I went along the remark set me thinking. 'Crape on the door!5 Of course a house of mirth to the practical eye is as plainly marked as a house of mourning. The custom is to put on all the tokens of woe when death is a visitor, and the signs ofjoywhentwo •JSfc persons are married. And yet in how many cases the crape had better be shown when weddings occur, and to how many persons death should be welcomed with flowers You know when Beecher died he request ed that no gloom be thrown on the event by sable trappings, but tha flowers in profusion should mark his translation to a better land." "But did you find your waiting couple that night, Mr. Brushing ham?" "Oh, yes. Wedding parties never get lost." "This isn't a funny story," said the Baptist minister, "but it is a true one. Before I came to Chicago I was preaching at Lin coln. That was years ago, and the town was not so well sup plied with churches as it is now. A Presbyterian minister was holding a revival service in his church, and his audiences were so large he could not accommodate them. He asked the pfrmission of myself and my trustees to use our chuich, which was much larger, and everybody was delighted with the evident good he was doing. One morning he came to me and said he wanted to preach three sermons on baptism, but felt embarrasssed, as he was in the house of a denomin ation from which he radically differ ed on that subject. I told him to go ahead his own way just as if he were at home. Give them immersion, sprinkling or anything that would save them. So at it he went. Now, right under the platform on which my pulpit stood was a great pool of water in which our baptisms took place. No one ever thought of the place being insecure, but my Presby terian friend got a number of breth ren on the stand with him that night, and among them was one very tat man—a regular mountain of flesh. The sermon went forward, and the preacher became excited as I never had seen him beiore. Baptism was his strong point, and he laid him self out for a great effort. He had perhaps reached his loftiest flight in the denunciation of immersion as the 'one baptism,' and announced with great vigor that he had never immersed a convert and he never would that he never had been im mersed and nothing could induce him to be. and that he would sweep the foolish formalism from the face of the earth' "Just at this point the fat man, too cramped in common chair to en joy such welcome and powerful doctrine, rose, and started across behind the preacher It was too much for the platform floor At the very height of the minister's impassioned period down went pulpit, pastor and guard of honor with a crash and a splash into the ample depths of the pool." "Did it alter his views on bap tism?" & "No, bat he said Presbyterian preaching: on a Baptist platform was a mighty insecure business, and he soon went back to his own house of worship." "Simply because a service is con ducted in a church some simple minds fancy a feeling of reverence should surround it all times. I confess such a sentiment myself. But now and then a church choir quar rels just as violently as though they were engaged for Fourth of July dis plays." This from the Congregation al minister. One time I had an ex cellent lot of musicians, but the bas so and the organist had a quarrel about some trivial matter, and the organist, a lady who still lives in Chicago, and who is still destitute in the matter o\ husband, was desper ately angry. She punished the man with the heavy voice by refusing to accompany him in a duo which he and the tutor were sinking. The first I knew they had sung their lines through to a place where the tenor warbled, "While the billows near me roll,' and the bass took np the strain, 'While the tempest still is nigh.' The organ went through with the tenor all right, but was silent as the grave when the bass was thun dering in tempest tones through his part. But he was game and never flinched, but sang through without the accompaniment as though nothing had happened. How ever, he had his revenge. The clos ing hymn was a quartet in which each of the lour parts carried a measure iu solo. The organist was herself the alto, and an unusually good one. When they eame to the" part to be sung ia this way the soprano warbled her lines sweetly, the tenor sang the next measure with charming effect, and then it wais the turn ot the bass. But the organist-alto, still feeding her spite, didn't touch a key, andthe basso himself, anticipating this Jvery thing, looked at his '•anthem-book with all interest, but did not open his lips. 'One—two—three—four,' every singer counted the time through che absolute silence, and the alto, con fused, took up her line and her music, in its proper place, and started in an alto's most mellifluous tones, 'I am all unrighteousness.' Fertile Soil. "The soil in Kentucky." said the colonel, wiping his whiskers, "is so rich that vegetables are grown to order while you wait." "That's nothing," put in the liar from Camden. "On my farm over in Jersey we can'* allow the horses to stand for a moment in the fields for fear their hoofs will take root and the animals grow to be elephants. I made a three-legged milking-stool the other day out of freshly cut sap lings and stood it in the barn-yard. The next morning I found in its place a black walnufcextension dining-table. If I hadn't sawed the legs off close to the ground I might have had a whole parlor suit in a day or tw o."—Phil adelphia I nquirer. FARM AND HOUSEHOLD. E A O E O S O HAV ING O O O A S Many Matters of Interest and Value to the Agriculturist Mentioned and Discussed—Household Hints and Other Notes. Fearful of the Cost. There are many farmers who do not have faith in the possibility of better roads. They have never known any letter, nor did their fathers and grand fathers. When such men are told of the roads in France and England they do not half believe what they hear. But the most serious contributing1 cause to the farmers1 indifference to the subject is the fear that if any system of general roadway improve ment were inaugurated the agricultural people would have to pay entirely for them. The support of the agricultural people of any measures in this direc tion can never be obtained until it is made perfectly clear that the general public will pay the charges. The most comprehensive system of railways is that in France, and there too, perhaps, are found the best roads in the world. The French minister of public works has charge of all roads, and these are administered by a spe cial department and a council of which the minister is president. There is a staff of six hundred engineers and in spectors and two thousand inferior of ficials. The department has also a school of roads and bridges for the education of engineers. The roads are national, departmental, military and vicinal. The national roads are main tained entirely by the national treas ury. There are twenty-five thousand miles of these. The vicinal or cross roads are maintained chiefly at the cost of the communes, but under a na tional administration. On these roads there are constantly employed fifty thousand workmen and three thousand overseers. What a contrast this is to our happy-go-lucky method of word ing out taxes on the roads?—Colman's Rural World. Feeding Hogs For Lean Meats. It is cheaper to produce meat that contains a large proportion of lean with the fat than to fatten a hog to such a condition as to fit it only for the production of lard, and it is a fact that feeding for lean meat a greater weight of carcass is secured, and at no more expense than in producing an ex cess of fat. This is explained by reason of the fact that when an animal is given food containing the elements of growth of bone and muscle as well as of fat, the condition of the animal is sustained in a manner to permit more perfect digestion and assimila tion, and a greater proportion for the support of the system of the nutritious elements that are required, and which are more evenly distributed through the body instead of the semi-diseased condition produced when corn is given as an exclusive diet Hence the farmer who diminishes the ration of corn allowing but a por tion only, substituting therefor bran, middlings, milk and clover—cut fine and scalded—will have his hogs larger, heavier, healthier and of better quality of flesh than from corn. While giving the advantages of a systematic method of feeding for the best results in pro ducing the heaviest pork, the fact that prime lard brings a price that makes it desirable on the part of the farmer to have his hogs fat, it must be admit ted that it is a serious obstacle in the way when lean meat is advocated, but the lean is simply interspersed with the fat, it must be admitted that it is a serious obstacle in the way when lean meat is advocated, but the lean is simply interspersed with the fat, and the greater increase from the variety of food does not dimmish the supply of lard The farmer will find that on those portions of the carcass from which the lard is produced but little difference will be observed, and the hog will be much more valuable as a whole —Philadelphia Record, Astounding Ignorance. It is astonishing, nay, more, it is really astounding, the extent to which men of ordinary intelligence depend upon that which is not food to correct in their stock the results of a vicious system of feeding and handling. This thought is suggested by a request made to an exchange by a Missouri farmer, asking "if it would be a good plan to throw lime into the pond from which he takes his water for slopping swine." What he wished to accomplish Dy do ing so, he does not say,but he was evi dently possessed with the idea that lime was a medicine and that hogs need medicine. When men are willing to study right foods and proper methods of feeding and of keeping, as much as they now study how to obviate the ill effects of their improper and unphilo sophic methods, they will think less of lime or any poison called -medicine, than now. The Rural World holds that breeders may, if they will, so feed and otherwise1 treat their farm stock as to keep it in health, that they can so breed and feed as to keep everything vigorous,thrifty and healthy, and build up such constitution as to even enable all kinds of stock to be almost impervi ous to contagious diseases.—Western Rural. Market Gardening. Market gardening has advantages which are attached to some other oc cupations. It is a very healthy occu pation it can be carried on upon a comparatively small scale, if need be, without honelessly handicapping the chances of success part of the pro duce grown can be eaten by the grower, so that some portion of a living is assured while trade is carried on and, above all, it is honest and manly. But we would warn all such as have had no experience in this eaUing that it is not a business at ^*&m*m which any one may gain a livelihood at little cost in the way of labor.— Colman's Rural World. Farm Matters. No soil is ever as fully supplied with plant food as it might be. The richest land naturally will show the effect of the manure. With poultry, as with everything else on the farm, there is always an opportunity to sell at good prices fowls or eggs that are of little better quality than others are offering. The best treatment for young orchards is to keep the surface of the ground mel low and clean. If while the orchard is starting the owner feels that he must use the land for some productive crop, it should be some hoed crop that requires, clean culti vation A New York farmer puts his clover hay in the mow, alternating a layer of the clover with a layer of oat straw. The oat straw thus has the flavor of the hay im parted to it, and while it, of course, con tains no more nutriment than formerly, it smells and tastes better, and the sheep that are fed upon it eat it all up clean. Dairy Notes. Overproduction3 There may be at times an overproduction of grease and poor but ter, but I have no fear that there ever will be too much of that nice, sweet, full-fla vored, rosy butter. Never 1 Cheese making has been supposed to be a very simple thing, said D. M. McPherson before New York state Farmers' Institute. My experience of twenty-one years has taught me that it is a very difficult thing. It is almost impossible to control results and to make cheese such as is wanted. As a result we have a great deal of cheese of bad flavor and short lived. Any discovery which would enable us to determine the exact amount of moisture would be a boon to cheese makers As shown with the hot iron, the curd should contain 48 per cent of moisture when there are fine threads on the iron. When taken from the press the cheese should have 38 per cent of moisture and when well cured 33 per cent. A excess of moisture, tends, to carry on fermentation, a reduction to lessen it. There are two strong reasons why butter should be brine-salted while it is in the granular condition. First, that the influ ence of the salt may disengage the caseous matter from the fat, so that it can be easi ly washed out, and second, that the gran ules of butter may be enveloped strong brine, and the salting nearly done, so that far less working of the butter will be ne cessiated than is the case where there is considerable caseous matter left in it, and the salt is all to be worked through it, to make it as evenly distributed through the mass as possible. live-Stock Notes. If you want to improve stock to the best advantage, stick to one breed. Water as hot as the hand can bear it, is one of the best remedies for caked udder. In many cases it is the carelessly kept barb wire fences on which the stock injure themselves The pioducts must be fed to stock in such a way as to secure the best ga mat the lowest cost A sandy loam is the best in which to grow root crops, and with clean cultivation a good yield can be secured A moderately quick walk, either when under a load or empty, is less tiresome on a horse than a very slow pace. Much loss often occurs in keeping too much stock, especially of those that seem to eat all that they can get without any appreciable gam. All things considered, the best time for dehorning is when the calves are but two or three weeks old, when the horns have just started to grow The general cheapness and abundance of corn has made it the chief food for hogs, young and old, and in many cases making it a too exclusive food has in reality been detrimental. Do not invest too largely in new forage crops. Corn is hard to excel for this pur pose. Growing pigs should be kept in a good condition From different causes the sup ply in many localities is below the aver age, and prospects are good for better prices the fall. The best profit with sheep is secured by keeping whatever number the farm can carry to the best advantage, and keep them all of ^the time rather than in buying in and selling out While there are several breeds of horses and cattle, yet as a rule, at least with the the average farmer, the better plan is to only keep one breed, taking all reasonable care to improve as much as possible Household Hints. A black gown is always in good taste, and may be worn anywere except to a wedding, where it is supposed to bring bad luck to the bride. A very nice dessert is made of a meringue custard and bananas Slice the bananas and stir them in the custard just before taking off the range. Toothache can generally be cured im mediately by putting a small piece of cot ton saturated with strong amonia into the hollow of the affected tooth. When your face and ears burn so terri bly, bathe them very hot water, as hot as you can bear. This will be more apt to cool them than any cold apphcation. When the carpet has been soiled by ink. instantly apply blotting paper, then milk, then blotting paper, and so on until the spot is out, as it will be. Don't rub. Dr. John Hunter was an enthusiastic ad vocate for the apple cure for gout. In stead of wine and rare roast beef, he en joined upon his gouty patients the import ance of the free use of apples. Steaming the face at night over a bowl of very hot water and then bathing it in very cold water is a simple method of giv ing it a Russian bath, and will tend to make the skin whiter and smoother and firmer. The smell of paint may be taken away by closing up the room and setting in the center of it a pan of lighted charcoal, on which has been thrown some juniper ber ries. Leave this in a room for a day and a night, when the smell of the paint will be gone. Some persons prefer a pail of water in which a handful of hay is soak ing. This is also effectual in removing odor of tobacco smoke from a room. Good Housekeeping: Sheets, pillowcases, tablecloths and napkins should not be hemmed until they have first been shrunk en but before the shrinking process each one should be made into its proper length. If this is done they will always fold evenly when ironed, which is not the case if made up without shrinking, or if shrunken in in the piece, and then made into proper lengths. Sheets and pillowcases should be torn by a thread tablecloths and napkins •houM be cut by a thread. A Famous Ceylon Ruby, Ofthe gemsfound in Ceylonthe ruby is of most value, and has at times se cured the highest prices. Rejecting as a traveller's tale the assertion of Marco Polo, that he saw a Ceylon ruby the size of a man's arm says the Times of India, it may be interesting to recall what is related of another Ceylon ruby, in connection with the part played unwittingly, in the rise of a family that was of note in a subse quent period the history of the Dutch republic. A "Chetty" physician became the owner of a large ruby, said to have been the size of a small curry-stuff grinding stone. Cutting it into pieces and retaining the larger portions, he presented the Dutch governor of Col ombo, Imhoff, with eighteen buttons set with the smaller pieces. Imhoff, not unmindful of gratitude, promptly exalted the donor to the proud posi tion of first malabarmudalayar of the gate, a title of honor still retained, and about equivalent to a lord lieu tenancy of a county in England. This rise in rank, however, stirring into restless action the dormant en ergies of the Chetty, the governor was at last glad to get rid of his protege by transforming him into a dignitary learned in the law, and presenting him with a seat as judge ot the supreme court in Java, This gentleman was grandfather to Dr. Quint Ondaatjee, alluded to in Allison's "History of Europe" as the -great democratic leader." Whatever, however, the value attached to the Ceylon rubies in the past or the present, it should be noted that xeally valuable ones have ever been scarce, and they cannot vie in comparison with some Burmese specimens. TOURISTS, Whether on pleasure bent or business, should take on every trip a bottle of Syrup of Figs, as it acts most pleasantly and ef fectually on the kidneys, liver and bowls, preventing fevers, headaches and other forms ofsickness For Sale 30c and $1 00 bottles by aU leading druggists Always be as witty as you can with your parting bow—your last speech is the one remembered. FOB MOBOSENESS VND lBBiT\Bir,iTYtake Al len's Iron Tonic Bitters All genuine bear the signature of P. Allen, Druggist, St. Paul, Minn. A great change in hie is like a cold bath in winter—we all hesitate at the hrst plunge. When Baby •was tick, we gave her Castoria, When shewas a Child, she cried for Castoria, When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria, When she bad Children, she gave themCastoria, Used by ball players and athletes find Johnson's Anodyne Liniment a balm Gilead. Marriage is like money—seem to want it, and you never get it he a a Was laid out cold by Macduff Those ty rants, biliousness, constipation and dyspep sia, are defeated with no less certainty and completeness by Hostetter's Stomach Bit ters. That conqueror of disease also '•peed lly overcomes malaria, rheumatism, kidney and bladder troubles, nausea and nervous ness. The make ot the soul is as much seen in leisure as in business. Dr. Powell, the celebrated La Crosse (Wis Surgeon has permanently located in St Paul. Idleness travels very leisurely, and pov erty soon overtakes her Cheap imitations should be avoided. They neveft cure and are often dangerous. &Try FISO'S He h*d smaJl skill cThorse Hesh Wnoboughhagoose ride on?Bontt-*ke te ordinary so&ps tgfhrr Giticura TTUMOKS OF THE BLOOD. SKIN, AND: *$ Scalp whether itching, burning, bleeding scajy, crusted, pimply, blotchy, or copper-color••3, fa 'With loss of hair, either simple, scrofalons,""™ hereditary, or contagious, are speedily, permanently, economically, and infallibly cured by the CUTICTJRA REMEDIES, consisting of Cu TICTJBA, the great Skin Cure, CUTICURA SOAP, an exqusite Skin Purifier and Beautifier, and CUTICHHA RESOLVENT, the new Blood Purifier and greatest of Humor Remedies, when the best physician and all other remedies fail This Is strong language, but true. CUTICTJBA REMEDIES are the onlv infallible blood purifiers. Sold everywhere Price, CUTICUKA, 5 0 SOAP, 25c RFSOLVENT. $1 Prepared by Pot ter Drug and Chemical Corporation, Boston. Send for "How to Cure Skin Diseases." J9S~Pimple8, blacktteads, chapped and oily' fS~ skin prevented by CCTICITBA SOAP. ft Backache, kidney pains, weakness, and rheumatism relieved in one minute by the CCTICUBA ANTI-PAIN PLASTER. 25CV SICKHEADACHE 1T«« SCOTT'S EMULSION O E COO I E OIL. AND HYPOPHOSPHITES OF LIME AND SODA I S STTXUEX CTTHJ XOX«. I This preparation contains the stimula ting properties of the Hypophoaphite* and flue Norwegian Cod Liver Oil. Csed by physicians all the world over. It is as palatable as milk. Three times as effica cious as plain Cod Liver Oil. A perfect Emulsion, better than allothers made. For all forms ot Wasting Disease Bronchitis, COJVSUMPTIOIT, Scrofula, and as a Flesh Producer there is nothing like SCOTT'S EMULSION. It is sold by all Druggists. Let no one by profuse explanation or impudent entreaty induce you to accept a substitute. BEWARE OF TflEffl. S. S. S. WILL CURE. There ir~ only one S. S.S. My daughter had a case of chronic Eczema, which, for over five years had baffled the skill of the best phy sicians. As she was daily growing worse, I quit all other treatment and commenced using S. S. S. Before finishing the second bottle tthe scaly incrustations had nearly disappeared. I continued using S. S. S. until she was entirely cured. I waited before reporting the case to see if the cure was perma nent. Being satisfied that she is freed from the an noying disease for all time to come, I send you this. ii SAPOLIO*- a c*ke of ih&nd be convinced.** Common Soapfca,--*°-n necessitates a great outlay of" time and labor, BEHEDY CheanMit. Hallo- Frta?«^ 'M these Little Fill*. They also reUsvs Dis tress fromDyapepate.In dl««atlonsadTooH«arty Xattng. A perfect ram •dy forIHaauiMa,]Uaa«L_ Prowin—. B»d Taste ia the Mouth. Oossad Tongu«,P«in ia tke aide. TORPID UTmm. The regolftt* the Bewels Pnraly Vwntabla. Prl«e Cents CJ&TX& uxBxenra co., HEW YOBE. Small Pill. Small Dose. Small Price. The Soap that Cleans Most is Lenox. If you have COLD or COUGH, acute or leading to CONSUMPTION, Take no other. V. VAUGHN, Sandy Bottom, Va. B00KS ON BLOOD AND SKIN DISEASES FREE. JmE_SWiFT_SPECIFI^CO.. Atlanta. accompHsh results scouring ces any saving in cost. Practical people will find S A O O best and cheapest soap for house-cleaning and 8 an ORICINAL AND BCfWIMC •4 •m ™r i^ which^k^n,Tthaecleaningmordan scouring. Particle is appliedtothe Addreaa, 1 E I W W Warren. Pa. CHICHESTER'S EWUSH, RED CROSS The MUJ Baft, ^ii^Wm^i