Newspaper Page Text
the Bad Boy Visits m^ Uncle's Gro
cery—He Soliloquizes on a Dying
Lettuce Leaf—They Discuss Navies
and Wars—"If You Want to Rest,"
Says, the Bad Boy, "Don't Go
BY HON. GEORGE W. PECK.
(E^-Jtoverner of Wisconsin, Formerly Ed
itor "Peck's Sun," Author "Peck's
Bad Boy," Etc.)
(Copyright, 1905, by Joseph B. Bowles.)
The old groceryman was in front of
the grocery in his shirt sleeves, with
a watering pot in his hand, trying to
brace up some wilteTlettuce that had
seen better days. After all attempts
had failed and the lettuce laid down
in its bed with an appealing look, as
much as to say: "Don't inject any
thing, but let me die a natural death,"
the old man acted as though he
thought the end had come. He had
just taken off his hat, and was gaz
ing at his dying patient, when the
bad boy came up, and, with an under
taker look on his face, he took his
hat and fanned the lettuce, and said:
"Friends who desire to take a last look
at the deceased may pass in the front
door, and retire by the back door. No
flowers burial private."
"Now, what you want to butt in here
for, when I am having all this trou
ble?" said the old man, as he poured
out the remaining water in the
sprinkler on the dying salad material.
"That is where the profits go. When
I bought that lettuce at the commis
sion house day before yesterday, it
was bright and crisp, with dew drops
on the leaves, and it crackled viien I
handled it, and look at it now, &s lim
ber as a starched collar at a picnic,
and it wouldn't stand up if it wore
crutches. Gee, but if I had a patent
on something that would keep lettuce
crisp until it was sold, I wouldn't want
no gold mine," and the old man threw
the watering pot on the floor, and
"Well," said the bad boy, as he tried
a few strawberries off the top of a
box, "trying to rejuvenate wilted let
tuce is like putting false hair, or hair
dye, on an old woman's head, and
putting oriental cream and powder on
•NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BUTT
IN HERE FOR?" SAID THE OLD
her face, and false teeth and plumpers
in her mouth to make her cheeks
plump, and penciling her eyebrows, to
make her look young and kitteny. She
Is the same old lady, and saltpeter
won't save her, and make her young
and crisp again a piece of human
"Do you know," said the old man,
as he took a piece of wrapping paper
to wipe a drop of molasses off the
bosom of his white shirt, "I am one of
the greatest thinkers in this coun
try, and I sit here when there
are no customers in the store,
and do nothing but just think,
and it worries me the way things are
running, not only in this country, but
everywhere in the world. Look at
the money that is wasted in these
sham battles, at target practice in
the navy, and this 'ere 'attack on
Washington,' by the army and navy
playing war. Gosh durn it, why con't
we discharge the army, and tie up the
navy to hitching posts, and wait till
a real war comes on, and then rally
from the east and from the west, and
sock it to the enemy," and the old man
took a brush and dusted off the coun
"Say, you only think you are think
ing when you get that way," said the
bad boy. "Some people sit and
twirl their thumbs, and say nothing,
and look serious, and have lines on
their faces, and they look wise, and
think it amounts to something, but it
is only indigestion, and when your
6tomach does not work, the brain sort
of effervesces, and when you turn on
the talking switch and say something,
it is like opening a bottle of root beer,
cause it is all froth, and when it. has
stopped foaming it is nothing but a
wet place on the floor, that smells of
sasparilla. You are one of these root
beer thinkers, with a string over your
cork, and if nobody cuts the string,
you finally get sour, and if the string
is cut, it is all over as soon as the
yeast is exhausted. You talk about
the expense of target practice. Why,
nowadays a navy, to be any good, has
to be able to hit a fly with a 16-inch
shell, on the turret of a battleship
seven miles away, with a heavy sea
on, and the only way is to keep shoot
ing, and then when a war comes, the
enemy will'keep off the grass. See?
"You would like to have our navy
like the Russians', tied up to save ex
pense, the sailors ashore, drunk, and
the gunners so full of vodka that they
N ,A -\.
are cross-eyed, and when the whistle
blows, and they come aboard to get
acquainted .with the ship, they be
come seasitik, and can't hit a single
cruiser, but have to wait till the en
emy gets into flocks, like a
ing ducks. Look at those little Japs
Their eyes are put in slanting, and
you would think they would shoot
around a corner, but when they get
braced behind a gun, and take aim,
and pull the dingus, the rolling mill
that they fire at the enemy hits it in
the solar plexus, and anybody that is
alive when the explosion comes jumps
overboard and drowns. So we want
to be ready for any enemy that comes
along, 'cause you don't know what mo
ment some nation is going to mix."
"But what's the use of keeping
shooting at a mark all the time, by^ the
army fellers?" said the old man, with
a tired look. "Now, when the rebel-
THE SAILORS SO FULL OF VODKA
THAT THEY ARE CROSS-EYED.
lion broke out, we didn't know how
to shoot, but we got there, just the
"Yes, in about five years you got
so you could hit a confederate regi
ment, if it stood still, but you couldn't
hit anybody on the wing," said the
bad boy. "They issued guns to you,
and you looked them over as though
they were to be cut up into teaks,
and fried, and when you were told how
to shoot, and fired into the air,
the old gun kicked you over, and
kicked ypu after you were down, and
broke a rib, and dislocated a shoulder.
When you got out of the hospital you
wanted to be detailed as company
cook, or nurse in the hospital, and they
could never get you near a gun again
for years, and when you did shoot
again at the enemy, you pulled the
trigger with your eyes shut, and run
away from the recoil, and never hit a
rebel, and it took eight carloads of
lead to kill one man. Now it :s dif
ferent, and the little guns the army
uses don't kick, and they shoot a little
bullet three miles, and when the lul
let hits a man he is paralyzed until
the battle is over, and you Have got
to pick out a spot on a man, and hit.
it, or be fined by the
AND THE OLD GUN KICKED YOU
man, with a peaceful look, as though
he was seeking a heaven upon earth
"Well, by ginger, you have got me,"
said the bad boy, trying to think of
the most peaceful place he visited
while abroad. "The fact, is, we were
not looking particular, for quiet,
peaceful places, but for excitement and
rush, and trouble, and we got it, ?ure
I had thought that in Norway and
Sweden one could get plenty of peace,
sliding down hill in^winter, on skis
and toboggans, but since we got home
I see that Norway has seceded from
Sweden, and they have got to fight, so
I wouldn't go there. Ireland is about
as beautiful a country as one could
wish to be in, but in the cities every
body is rich, and they live high and
.».. ,~ .,, 5S?
r^irf* ~H!« Mk. .i.vMlr*
.I*"-" -*^9 «3HflSSS#£ -.•2f\
is what it means to be up to date with
an army or a navy. You got to hit
the bull's-eye, and not the surround
ing country. The time for hunting
elephants with bird shot has passed,
and you got to blow 'em up with dy
"The boy who can hit a fly on the
wall with a bean shooter is the com
ing soldier, and you old jays that sit
around and kick about expense of
teaching our army and navy to hit
things they cannot see without a tele
scope ought to be sent to an asylum
"Now that you and your dad have
traveled all over Europe, and kept
your eyes and ears open, what do you
think is the best place for a man to
go who is tired of his own country,
and wants to settle down somewhere
and enjoy peace, and quiet, for the
balance of his life, without work, and
no feeling that he is liable to wake
up some morning and find that he is
in the midst of a war. What coun
try would you advise an elderly man
to go to, who wants to get away from
trouble, and just enjoy every day of
the balance of his life?" said the old
fast, but In the country the people are
hungry, and they live on potatoes, and
hope foe a remittance from some mem
'ber of the family who is making moro
than a- living in good old America,
while the young men and the girls
are all packing up to go .away to the
land of the free, and before you could
get there and get settled down there
would be nobody left in Ireland but
the very old men and women, who
would talk to you1 of nothing but the
boys and girls in far-away America,
and when they found that you had left
America to come to Ireland and en
joy yourself, they would take you for
a lunatic and have you sent to an asy
"In England you would be all right
if you had money enough to buy an
estate and raise race horses, but if
you won money at the races tfiey
would cut your acquaintance, and if
you lost your money, they would con
sider you a good fellow until your
money was gone, and then they would
make you move dn. In France you
could enjoy yourself until you had to
go to the Keeley cure, and then it
would be all off. In Italy you would
have to learn to play a tune on a
macaroni instrument, and eat cotton
seed oil from America, disguised with
an olive oil label, with every man and
woman carrying a butcher knife and
In Germany you would have to be oh
dress parade, and raise a beer stomach
that you would have to wheel around
on a wheelbarrow. Come to sum it
all up, my advice to you would be to
go to Zion City, give-all your money
to Dowie, and take a hand-out of
bread fcnd beans occasionally, and try
to look pleasant."
The bad boy paused. x'he old
groceryman had listened with groat in
"Say," he said, after a minute,
"where is your dad going next trip?
Seems as though he would want to
stay at home long enough to change
"Don't have to change your shirt
when you travel," said the boy, as he
slipped an imitation snake into the
side pocket of the old
This immense amount of money flow
ing into Italy annually from its emi
grants has already had a marked in
fluence in improving conditions of liv
ing, especially in southern Italy.
An English magazine tells a court
story. A counsel, in the middle of his
cross-examination, was handed a tele
gram. "Hello!" he said, as he read it,
"So-and-So has won the Derby."
"Mr. A said the judge, sevei ely,
"It is very unseemly that in the course
of solemn judicial proceedings, whero
a man's liberty and reputation are at
stake, you should be talking of th*
winner of a horserace. Er—by the
way, does the telegram say what was
second and third?"—N. Y. Tribune.
"You're not going to give up your
cozy little flat, surely?"
"Yep doctor's orders. He insists
that every morning when I rise I must
stand perfectly erect and expand my
chest a dozen times or so.':- 'Phila
^J~* '•v" /v
sack coat. "But our next move will
be chasing ourselves around our na
tive land. Pa's going to join the cir
"Gee!"saidtheold groceryman, "write
to me, won't you?" "Sure,"said the bad
boy, "I will write you. Good-by. You are
a good thing. Push yourself along,"
and the bad boy went out to pack up
for another journey.
MILLIONS ARE SENT HOME.
Immigrants from Austria-Hungary
Sent Over $48,000,000 in
The immigrants to the United States
from Austria-Hungary have sent back
to that country in the ten years between
1894 and 1903 more than 548,000,000. Of
this vast sum the immigrants
Hungary sent back $31,132,080, whNe
those from Austria sent to their rela
tives $16,982,980. In 1894 the amount
sent back by the immigrants of both
countries was $1,327,620. Tiiis had
grown in 1903 to $10,556,000 in fact,
there has been a steady increase since
In addition to the sums sent into the
country through what are known in
Austria as "home banks" from Amer
ica each year, a large amount is remit
ted through American banks without
the intervention of Austrian or Hun
garian institutions, or in cash or postal
money orders. The entire amount re
ceived in Austria-Hungary in 1903 from
emigrants that had left that country
for other countries was $32,778,004.
It is estimated that the Italian immi
grants in the United States send back
to their homes annually a sum equal to
about $30,000,000. An indication of the
importance of remittances so made is
found in the business of Italian postal
savings banks with savings institutions
for Italians in foreign countries. But
the full amount sent into Italy cannot
be kept track of in this way, for it is
well known that considerable amounts
are sent in paper money by registered
mail or are brought into the country by
returning immigrants. Fraudulent
banking concerns have caused great
losses to Italian immigrants, both in
this and other countries in the past.
These were usually run by Italians.
To prevent all this an act w$s passed
in Italy in 1901 authorizing the Bank
of Naples to take charge of remittances
from emigrants, thus guaranteeing
them safety and regularity in the trans
mission of their money. This bank has
since established correspondence offices
for the management of emigrant busi
ness, there being 86 of these offices at
the close of 1903. A recent bill in the
Italian parliament, providing for the
appointment of resident agents in for
eign countries to manage the remit
tances of Italians failed to pass.
WANTED SIMPLE TUNES.
Ihwe Classical Th**gs on the Violin
sv Were Too Much for/
A Wegtport fond father made his daugh
ter mad and. incidentally, held up to view
his lack of knowledge of violin music. His
daughter a violinist. A visitor was in
the library, and the father suggested that
his daughter play. She was willing, re
late the Kansas City Times.
The girl's mother went to the piano in
the next room, and the girl got her violin.
or three or four minutes twanging from
the two instruments was heard. Then
there was a halt. It was there that the
*ond father made his mistake.
fcky something simple, Mary," he
said. "That was nice, Dut it's too classical
The girl glanced through the door. Her
Mice wore a look of disgust.
1 ve been tuning, father," she said.
Hinton, Ky., Oct. 30th (Special).—It
has long been claimed that Diabetes -is in
curable, but Mr. E. J. Thompson, teach
er in the Hinton school, has pleasing1 evi
dence to the contrary. Mr. Thompson
had Diabetes. He took Dodd's Kidney
Pills and is cured. In a statement he
makes regarding his cure Mr. Thompson
"I was troubled with my kidneys for
more than two years, and was treated by
two of the best doctors in this part of the
si ate. They claimed I had Diabetes and
there was little to be done for me. Then
I started to use Dodd's Kidney Pills, and
what they did for me was wonderful. It
is entirely owing .to Dodd's Kidney Pills
that I am now enjoying good health."
Many doctors still maintain that" Dia
betes is incurable. But Diabetes is akid
5®y disease, and the kidney disease that
Dodd Kidney Pills will not cure has yet
to be discovered.
"Keep your eyes .wide open on the life
road," says a Billville philosopher, "but
be sure that the fellow ahead of you
don't blind-you with the. dust."—Atlanta
WILD WITH ECZEMA
And Other Itching, Burning, Scaly
Eruptions, with Loss of Hair
Speedily Cured by Cuticura.
Bathe the affected parts with hot water
and Cuticura Soap, to cleanse the sur
face of crusts ana scales and soften the
thickened cuticle: dry, without hard rub
bing, and apply Cuticura Ointment freely,
to allay itcmng, irritation and inflamma
tion, and soothe and heal: and, lastly,
take Cuticura Resolvent Pills to cool and
cleanse the blood. A single set, costing
but $1.00, is often sufficient to cure the
most torturing, disfiguring skin, scalp and
blood humors, with loss of hair, when all
If there be any truer measure of a man
than by what he does, it must be by what
Go East via the Nickel Plate Road.
Lowest rates via the Nickel Plate Road
and its eastern connections to all points
in Eastern and New England States.
Three elegafit through trains daily to
Cleveland, Buffalo, New York and Boston.
served in Dining Cars on the Indi
vidual Club Plan, at prices .ranging from
Slv^ccnta tck $1.00. -Also service, a. la carte.
Luxurious Sleeping Cars on all trains. No
fare charged on any train on the
Nickel Plate Road, and service as good as
the best. For full information regarding
rates, connections, sleeping car reserva
tions, etc.^ address J. Y. Calahan, General
Agent, 113 Adams St., Chicago, 111.
One way to improve the memory is to
assume for a~ moment that you have every
thing you want.
Omaha, Neb., Oct. 16/—It is reported
from Casper, Wyo., that sales of town lots
for the new town of Shoshone, located on
the edge of the Wind River Reservation
on the new line of The Chicago & North
western Railway across the state from
Casper, have been unprecedented.
Bidding for town lots runs high, and a
large number have been disposed of with
in a short time. Buyers evidently figure
on the growth of the city here when the In
dian reservation is thrown open to settle
ment next June.
A man's good intentions seldom add to his
income.—Chicago Daily News.
Do not believe Piso's Cure for Consump
tion has an equal for coughs and colds.—J.
F. Boyer, Trinity Springs, Ind., Feb. 15,1900.
Don't try to add to your stature by
standing on your dignity.
A Kansas City Woman's Terrible Experi
ence With Kidney Sickness.
Mrs. Mary Cogin, 20th St. and Cleve
land Ave., Kansas City, Mo., says:
For years I was run down, weak,
lame and sore.
The kidney se
puffed up my
they were a
sight to behold*
me np, but I
Pills, and the
me so that I have been well ever since,
and have had a fine baby, the first in
five that was not prematurely born."
Sold by all dealers.' 80 cents a box.
Poster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
troubled with ffis-yecdiar to
used as a douche is
stops discharges, heals Inflammation sad local
soreness, cores leucorrluea aadnasal catarrh.
Paxtine Is in powder form to be dissolved in pore
inter, and is Car more cleansing, healing, memaadtk
gad economical than liquid antiseptics
TOILET AND WOMEN'S SPECIAL USES
For sale at druggists, 60 cents
Trial Box and Book of lostractfons Free.
Putos Company •oar®*, Mas*
Price, 25c.v 50c., and I.OO.
Dr. EARL 8. 8LOAN,
•15 Albany 8t.» Boston* Mass.
gives absolutely FREB
to every settler One
Hundred and Sixty
Acres of land itt West
l^ind adjoining this
can be purchased from
railway and land com
panies at from $6 to $10 per acre.
On this land this year has been produced up
wards of twenty-five bushels of wheat to the acre.
It is also the best of grazing land and for mixed
farming it has no superior on tlie continent.
Splendid climate, low taxes, railways conven
ient schools and churches close at hand.
Write for "Twentieth Century Canada "and
low rai1 way rates to Sxjpbk.ii*tentent
Of Lydia E. Pinkham's VegetableCom pound,
Great Woman's Remedy for Woman's Ills,
No other female medicine in the world has received such Widespread and.
No other medicine has such a record of cures of female troubles or such
hosts of grateful friends as has
Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound*
It will entirely cure the worst forms of Female Complaints, all Ovarian
Troubles, Inflammation and Ulceration. Falling and Displacement of the
Womb, and consequent Spinal Weakness, and is peculiarly adapted to the
Change of Life.
It has cured more cases of Backache and Leucorrhcea ttmn any other rem
edy the world has ever known. It is almost infallible in such cases. It
dissolves and expels tumors from the Uterus in an early stage of de
Irregular, Suppressed or Painful Menstruation, Weakness of the Stomach,
Indigestion, Bloating, Flooding, Nervous^Prostration, Headache, General Debil
ity quickly yield to it. Womb troubles, causing pain, weight and backache, in
stantly relieved and permanently cured by its use. Under all circumstances it
invigorates the female system, and is as harmless as water.
It quickly removes that gearing-down Feeling, extreme lassitude, "don't
care" and want-to-be-left-alone" feeling, excitability, irritability, nervous
ness, Dizziness, Faintness, sleeplessness, flatulency, melancholy or the blues"
and headache. These are sure indications of Female Weakness, or some de
rangement of the Uterus,.which this medicine always cures. Kidney Complaints
and Backache, of either sex, the Vegetable Compound always cures.
Those women who refuse to accept anything else are rewarded a hundred
thousand times, for they get what they want—a cure. Sold by Druggists
.everywhere. Befuse all substitutes.
ALL GERM LIFE
IS GUARANTEED TO CUKE
GRIP, BAD COLD, HEADACHE AND NEURALGIA.
I won't sell Antl-Ortplne to a dealer who won'tfinarmteo
Call for yonrHOKET BACK IV IT BOI'T CtBB.
F.W.. Manvfaoturer,8pring/leld, Mo.
Chas.Pillucq, Clifforfl Blk., Grand Forks, N. Dak.
llACHLjur, Box 116. Watartown. 8. Dakota.
B. Houns.SU Jackson Street* StPaul, Minn.
and w» will
famiih tfc. work aad tMCh
famlfh tfc. work aad tMCh jroa free, yoa wwk ia
locality wtora yoa If™. Send u» yoar uMnm
cmhtttbrnlni. folly, mn«ii1«rw. ptaMx tel«rpnll
In tune. SoM far
time. Sold br dnuKiata.
BBTABTelSH FID JflTS
WOODWARD & CO.,GRAIN COMMISSION!
I.. Orders for Future Delivery Executed in All Markets.
W. L. DOUGLAS
*3=& *3= SHOES Lu
W. L. Douglas 94.00 Cilt Edgo Lino
cannot be equalled at any price.
REWARD to snyon# who ca
W. L. Douglas $3.80 shoes have by their as
ceflent style, easy fitting, and superior wearing
qualities,achieved the largest tale off any $J.N
shoe In the world. They, are Just as good
thMe that cwt ymt $5.00 to $£00-t£e 6miy
difference Is the price. If I could take yoa hits
my factory at Brockton, Mass., the largest In
the world under one roof making men's fins
•hoes, mid show yoathe care with which every
pair ofpoMgU. .bOM Is made, you won Id realize
why W. L. Dontlas 93.00 shoes are the best
aboM produced hi the world.
If I could show you the difference between the
•hoes made la my factory and those of other
makes, yoa would understand why Douglas
S3.50 shoes cost more to make, why they hold
their shape, fit better, wear longer, and are el
greater Intrinsic value than any other $3.M
shoe on the market to-day.
jfewi 02mBO0 $2.00* Bearm'MahootA
upon having W.L.Dong-
las shoes. Take ao substitute. None genuine
without hie name sod price stamped on bottom.
"WANTED. Atehoe dealer in every town where
W. L. Douglas Shoes are hot sold.' Full line oC
samples sent free for inspection upon request,
last Color EytltU uihI thty wllt not wear braatg.
Write for Illustrated Catalog of Fall Style*
W. 1m DOUGLAS* Brockton, Mass,
#IAS BEEN ADVERTISED
AND SOLD FOR A
It baste of tkc tat
SIGN OF THE FISH.