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A Hopeleaa Case.
"It's a bad thing," said the sympathetic
man, 'but Blyklns has become a veritable
' It's true The last I heard of him he
iidn't km any pleasure out of anything ex
cept sitting down in h!s cellar counting his
hoard of anthracite coal over and over
again."— Washington Star.
A LESSON EX TIRKEV GATHERING.
I—"Jus'1 — "Jus' wait till one o' de pawsun's turkeys git a taste o' dat bait, an,
flis nigga oil hab turkey to burn."
' V " ———————
2 — Lo'd I'se got de bigges' gobblah on de place."
B — "Now, one mo' pull an' I'll grit it."
Jill * . %s&4^
4— He got it.
The Oldeaef Tree.
In the royal pardons at Kew there is a
branch of what is said to be the oldest tree
in the worid — the famous dragon tree (dra
c&ena drato of Orotava. This tree, which
was destroyed by a great gale some years
..as, the new weekly paper, the Rocket,
says, supposed to I)'' at. least 2,(00 or 3,000
years old--¥oi)i' 1 pssigned it a much longer
growth. A branch was removed from it
pnd brought to K< w, where it still thrives;
it may be keen in the economic house.
- Judge — What do you do for a living, prisoner?
Prisoner— Mo wife takes In washing, sir.
Recreation for Working People.
"Cocoa" Cadbury Is providing recreation
grounds for Ms Boiirnvllle "hands." The
men are to have the use of a twelve-acre
field for cricket, etc., and of a cycle track,
as well as an out-door swimming bath; while
2.400 worn^n and girls are to have for their
domain another ten acres of delightfully
wooded ground. The total cost of these good
things is some $100,000.
She (on board liner) — Isn't Fred going to
He— No; he told the steward to prepare it
and throw it overboard.— Life.
■ — ■
A Bnshel of Pprk.
In most states sixty pounds makes a legal
bushel of peas. In Arkansas the weight Is
THE SAINT PAUL GLOBEJi SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 33, 1896.
On Four Lego.
A young lady from the country wanted to
buy a long fur boa. Not knowing what they
wars called, she stepped into the draper's,
and, walking up to a young man, she said:
"Will you please tell me how the pussies
The young man, thinking it a joke, said:
'"Well, miss, as a rule they run on four
legs, but we have one here that has hurt one
leg, bo it has to run on three; but what can
I do for you?"
With her nose in the air, however, the boa
seeker very quickly walked out.
JEHIAL SLAB'S PIiEA FOR THANKS.
Of course they's changes in the way*
An' methods of aour livin',
An' long among the holidays
Some folks fo'git Thanksgivin'.
We might, of course, let some things go
An' "vaporate" an' die,
Eut what in sin I'd love tew know
Is the matter weth punkin pie?
I ain't agin' the trolley oars,
Much less the tellerphone,
They may or mayn't be folks in Mars
Ef they let me alone.
An' they may string electric lights,
I hain't no stock in gas,
The question thet my wrath excites
Is wh&x'a your cranberry sass?
I'm peaceful as a side-hill plow,
An' as tew Venzueeler
Just settle it, I don't keer how
Er let the British steal her,
But on American Ideas
I stick right tew my colors.
An' jest you promptly answer, please.
What's crooked weth aour orullersT
An' you may scoot aroun' on wheels
An' telescope yer stummlck,
An' then walk crazy on yer heels
An' give yer back a hummiok.
That ain't my biz, the country's free,
You won't ketch me a huffln',
But, Lordy, don't treat carelessly
A good old oyster stuffin'.
Chew gum, smoke cigarettes, play ball
The fads of fashion, boomers.
Wear Jenness Miller skirts an' all
The fads of fashion boomers,
Reaid high eugene, Kneipp's water curs.
Until yer reason wabbles.
But at Thanksgivin' time be sura
Tew roast the bird that gobbles.
What cruel things is said of pie
Pernicious thoughts inetillin'.
The salty tear-drops fill my eye,
When I think of minoe pie nllin'.
The meat and apples, cloves and spies,
The light crust as a rider,
The sugar, citron, suet nice,
All drowned in good blled elder.
Then let the preacher hey his fling
At prea-ehin' an' at eatln'
An' when you've heered 'em preach an' sing
An' slide home after meetin'
Tew find the turkey smokin' hot.
You're thankful you are iivin".
You'll smile an' murmur like as not
"Thar's no day like Thanksgivin'."
—A. T. Wordea.
_a» - —
Ex-Empress Eugenic, of France, recently
sold some jewels, and a notice ran through
the papers that she was in straitened finan
cial circumstances. She will not starve,
however. Napoleon the Third left a tidy littla
nest-egg. His "savings" amounted to over
one hundred millions of dollars, invested in
American, Russian, Prussian and English
bonds. American railroad and Suez Canal
shares. Not a cent of his fortune was in
vested in French securities. The jewels
which the ex-empress sold were so gorgeous
that only royalty can wear them without ap
pearing over-ostentatious, and the $400,000
which, the jeweler paid .for them has been
added to the rest of the interest-bearing,
A Good Scholar.
She — Why. you foolish boy, if I married
you you wouldn't be able even to dress me.
He— Well— er— couldn't I learn?— Brooklyn
••Wen, ef dls aia* scan'lous! Dig yer chll« nevah hed sech tr«bble afo, toe git er Fhanksgibbin' pullet."
"COMIXG EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE."
New York Press.
When 'the receiving teller of the Bank of
British North America, in Toronto, was ap
pointed, he had to give a bond of $10,000. It
was not easy to do. He <Kd not like to go to
the surety company, and had no friend to help
him. He thought of a few old stamps that*
he had collected when a boy. He had been
told that some of them were valuable. They
had been lying in an old drawer for twenty
years or more. Getting them out, he sent
a catalogue to a wealthy philatelist, who
replied that he would pay $10,000 cash Jtor
the lot. Taking the letter to the bank, he
offered It and the stamps as his bond. The
bank accepted and has had the collection
locked up in its vaults ever since. Its value
a week ago was estimated at $35,000.
11l Bred Children.
In a wealthy town not far from Boston,
while the manners of the pupils in school
are said to be excellent, it is currently re
ported that many of the pupils purposely
avoid bowing to their teachers on the street.
It is alleged that the pupils pursue this un-
American and ill-bred custom on the ground
that the teachers are socially their inferiors.
What is still more strange is the report that
the parents sustain their^children in this soul
destroying snobbishness and anarchist-breed
ing disregard of authority. Are these re
ports true? If so, what is the remedy? Can
a teacher retain both his position and his
self-respect if he submits to suoh conduct?—
Frede-ric Allison Tupper, Quincy, Mass., in
Journal of Education.
Get It In Eearly.
"I intend to preach a sermon upon foot
ball next Sabbath," said the tall caller in the
v.hite choker, "and I shall be pleased to fur
nish you the manuscript if you have, any
wish to use it. I know a number of your
readers would be glad to see it in print."
"AH right," said the busy editor. "You
will have to get it here early, though. Our
sporting page is the first one to close." — Cin
A Collie's Faithfulness.
A large black collie dog prowls up and
down the platform at Oamden station out
side the gates, watching every train that ar
rives and departs. Aa soon as he sees a
train he makes for the baggage car and
mounts the platform. It is said "that he
came in on a Royal Blue train about two
months ago, and that ever since that time
he has been waiting for the same baggage
car to come back. When it does the people
around the station say it will be the last of
the dog. for When he has found the car he
will, it Is believed, have found his master.
m — ■ —
PATS THANKSGIVING TIRKBtY.
Yez may sing wld yez llllgant varses
Ay the turkay thot's luvely an' browni
Shure, Biddy an' Oi are contintcd
To sit wld another burd down.
The turkay Oi mane was created
Widout any wings fur a floight:
He was born in the say so it's stated
Near the banks ay the Georgie's dolotght
Smothered up wid crame-Eravey he's luveJy,
Wid praties arranged in foine sto-ile —
Thot's a Thanksgiving faste sotisfoing
Thot make the hull fomily smoile.
The cod! Bless the Maker of fishes!
Bates turkay thot's luvely an' brown—
Smithered up wid erame-gravey in dishes,
A faste fur a king to put down.
_ — H. S. Keller.
WHAT STUMPED HIM.
He had spent long years In college, and ac
-qulred all kinds of knowledge,
From smoking cigarettes to readiug Greek;
And 'twas said by many that in Hebrew,
Eskimo and Latin,
With the accent of a native he could speak.
He knew every modern science, and for
every new appliance
He was able some improvement to sug
And from bending on a hawser to criticising
Of all the greatest minds he was abreast.
He was charmed with hydrostatics, and In
Not a single thing to stump him could he
And to prove a line's direction, or bisect ft
Was but a relaxation to his mind.
But he saw a little maiden, after all thU
store he'd laid in.
The most inviting problem he had mat;
And he felt it was his mission to employ his
To solve this most perplexing question yet.
So. without a bit of shirking, he has ever
since been working
On this problem with an ardor that ne'er
Yet with all his application, to his great
and deep vexation.
He cannot get the answer he desires.
— Pearson s Weekly.
As Mr. Wickwire came into the dining
room he was saying: "Tell you. old man,
she was just a dandy. Every line perfect,
and a better knee action I never saw in my
"Of whom are you talking?" asked Mrs.
"Of whom? I was talking about Johnson's
"Oh! I thought it was one of these bicy
cle girls you'd seen going along somewhere."
Howso— l know how to govern my wife,
Cumso- Well, why don't you do it?
Howso— She won't let me.
Caimc of Winds.
Every wind that blows is caused by the
heated and expanded air of some locality
rising, while the cooler air rushes in to fill
"Just wait!" said His Gobbler ship, 'Just wait!
it' ray time ever comes — me oh my!
I'll see man isn't burned when the tables are turned
And I am the chef by and by!"
It Wimlil Look So.
'They have such queer notions iv school
now. The children are not taught to spell
"Gracious me! What a lot of typewriters
there will be a few years hence!" — Indianap
i***^ d** s*l^]5 * I^] \"-L/
Uncle Savercool (of Creamery Corners)— ls she in, sir?
Manager— ls who in?
Uncle Savercool— Th' lady what bathes in milk. I'd like ter trade this
ere can o' number one skim fer two seats in th' fust row.
At the Wrong- Place.
"Who was that flne-looking gentleman at
the door, Jane?"
"I don't know, mum. I told him that he
had called at the wrong house."
"How in the world do you know he did?"
"Because he had no bill to present, mum."
Jones— Don't you think Miss Old is awfully Sweet?
Brown — Yes, wonderfully well preserved.
Daughter— Do you find the novel interesting,
Papa — Yes, it's great, Cynthia! It's as in
teresting as a market rerort.— Puck.
Lipson— l tell you, it is only the man who
has gone through a tough experience that
can advise another.
Kittson— l suppose so. I notice that all
my married friends advise me to remain a
bachelor. — New York Journal.
CAME IP TO THK S(RAT(H.
Father Henpeek— Howdy! Did 1 hear you knock?
Fldo Phleabite — Yep; lend me your comb a minut«.
Its Very Object.
"That Is a very handsome binding." sal<
Gilfoyle, as he picked up from the counts
a sumptuous holiday book.
"Yes. sir," replied the bookseller: "tha
was bound to attract attention.' —Detroi
Mrs. Oobwlgger — You're too young to ha*
a bicycle. I've noticed that the Doy nei
door hasn't one.
Freddy— Well, ma, you surely don't thin/
he is as smart a little boy aa I am— now, a
you? — Puck.
A Great Toboggan Slide.
St. Moritz, Switzerland, has the champion
toboggan slide of the world. It is three-quar
ters of a mile long, and has been descended
In a whiz of seventy-one seconds.
From the Plunkville Bugle: "It was not
necessary for the editor of our puerile and
ridiculous contemporary to announce that
'hard cider is again in our midst." Anyone
would know that by reading his editorials.
Hal Ha!"— lndianapolis Journal.