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Her Ridiculous Error. _____£n£?<.*!____ S_ * ad Mke4 tor consum mated lye, said the groo«r*s new boy, with v Y ? U -v didn ' t try to correct her, did you." asked the grocer. ♦_.- Me t . Naw> Vm onto m y J<* *•*»■* ">aa mat. 1 just handed her a can of consecrated Jou 1 to>t Bay a word."— lndianapolis r— — — i -« . _■ I . iS-TL "A VIBRATOR THRESHING MACHINE." Had Good Reasons. "HarSbake," said the gentleman's friend, "I am suprised to hear from good authority that you, a free born American, are in the habit of looking up that titled foreign son-in lay of yours." "If you knowed how high he come," said Mr. Hardbake, with a sigh, "you'd see that there wasn't no other way to look at him." — Cincnnatl Enquirer. It Takes Time. Fogy— Tell me now, if you can. do they learn anything at college besides sports and yells? Fudge— Oh, they learn a lot of things be sides. Fogy — For instance? Fudge — Oh, well, you can't expect a fellow to tell offhand.— Boston Transcript. JACK AND JILL UP TO DATE. — - — — — ' -i A 1 ■■ . — I—Jac1 — Jack — Give me a bite. 2 — Jill— all right, come an' git it. v__\\ I k/A JbsJiS 1 *' ■*■-••■•■ * -<** • Kw...\ i ///^fmmk^^": ■■ "» 3— Jiil— (as sihe goes down) Hully Gee! you've got me candy wet. lt Should Re Easier. Pittsburg '"■hror.i.-'ls-Telesraph. "Is it not strange." remarked Mrs. Point Breeze to her husband, "that by means of the cathodic ray a picture of the bones of the skull tan bo taken through the skin and flesh?" "The truth is." replied Mr. Point Breeze; end theo ho added, reflectively, "it stands to reason that such a photograph can be •taken mu-h more quickly when the Kubject is a -lantern jawed chap." WHY SHE WE PP. The opera's one of her joys, On everyday shows she frowns. War musio to her is just the noi. c, But, ah! she's a critic cf gowns. — Pittsburg News. ~A~wrsE selectionT "I hop*." ho raid, "when I am dead And vanished from this .oer.e. That you, my love, will faithful provs And keep my mem'ry green." "Ah, dear"— with a sign she did reply— "How fitly you advise. No color would, 'tis understood, Yourself so symbolize." I —Boston Courier. Scarcity of Literary tmUiiam. Black (a Western man)— l do not think there are so many literary ladles ln Boston, after all. White— No? Black— No. I expected to find the streets full of "em, but I was disappointed. Why, I stood at a crossing for two hours the last rainy day. and Pm blessed If I saw a single "blue stocking."— Boston Courier. Used to It. "Now," said the Arabian Nights' sultan, "unless you tell me a story of more wonder ful adventures I will have to sentence you to the sack." The victim laughed bitterly, but without fear. He had spent the summer at a watering place and was accustomed to the sack. — Buf falo Times. ._»_. So It Does. Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. Dinwiddle — Much more care is required in building a house with large windows than is necessary in building a house with small windows. Van Braam — How is that? Dinwiddle— lt takes great panes. An Effective Remedy, Detroit Free Press. , A charming young woman of Detroit re cently sprained her ankle by a hasty jump from her bicycle. She waa laid up for a couple of weeks, during which time she was wholly incapacitated for walking or even riding, being confined to a sofa, like the heroine ln a last century novel. Finally the family considered the sprain of enough consequence to call In the family doctor, who is a distinguished surgeon. He was out of patience with anything so trivial as a sprain, when he was dally concerned In scientific operations of the most important character, and his first performance was to give the sprained foot a vicious twist In a surgical way to find out if any bones were broken. Then he said: "Get up and walk." "But, doctor, I cannot take a step." "Get up and walk." There was nothing for the patient to do but, obey, and sho stepped lamely forth. "You're not walking, you are limping," said the doctor. "Walk!" She managed bravely to walk to the next room, and the doctor took his hat to leave "But, doctor, you have not given me any prescription." "Walk," said the doctor; "then walk. Don't send for me again unless your foot needs amputating. Good by." Now tho patient is walking as well as sho •ver did. XHK SAINT PAUt. GLOBE: SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1898. _^^^\\ Not a Ragr. Chicago Post. The prominent citizen was rather proud of his standing in the community. "And do you know." he said, "when I first came to this town I had hardly a rag to my ba6k?" The man who was not so prominent shrugged his shoulders. "When I first came to this town," he said. '"I actually didn't have a rag to my back." "You're joking," said the prominent citl "Not at all," replied the citizen who was not so prominent, serlous'y. "I was born here." _^_. THE VALLEY OP WINDMILLS. "Look not so long toward the valley," The wise one still repeat; But my dreams of that far. fair region Are strange and wildly sweet. I see the wings of the windmills Turning and turning slow ; They seem to wave and beckon, And my heart is fain to go. For yonder the red roofed houses Shine in the sunset light. And the lasses and lads are wending With songs ere the fall of night. And, sure, there are flowers brighter Than any our mountain knows. Fruits redder, and clearer waters. And a softer air that blows. Up from tho valley of windmills I have fled with stumbling feet; My heart is wild within *_a,c. And shudders at every beat. For there, in that awful valley, • Are mists that ever roll, And eerie lights that glimmer, But never a living soul. And over it all a silence As vast and as chill as death — A ghostly dread that withered My youth with its icy breath. Far from the valley of windmills Your thoughts and dreams withhold, Lest likewise ye bring back sorrow, And a heart with fear grown old. — J. K. Wetherlll in New Orleans Times- Democrat. , ss Accepted. She— My tongue fails me, darling, when I try to express my love for you. He — Never mind, my own. Money talks more eloquently than you could hope to do.— Detroit Free Press. A Parting; Shot. Boston Courier. Departing Board&r— l'm sorry wo couldn't get along, but I hope you are willing to let bygones be bygones. Landlady— Does that Include your board bill, Mr. Jones? The Swell in Shape. Detroit Tribune. First Milliner — How do you give your hats that swell shape? Second Milliner— Oh, when I got them all trimmed I run them through a clothes wringer. m Open. Detroit Tribune. "I hear you had a financial discussion with Deadwood Pete. Did you find him open to conviction?" "No; but when I left him the doctor had to take fourteen stitches in him." — m His Prospects. She— Jack is paying her marked attentions. He hasn't any money, has he? He — No. But he has expectations. She — From whom? He— From her father.— Boston Courier. ) Iv. • **-»» •mm* A MIND READER. He — If you don't marry me, I will p j ne away and die. She — You mean dine away on pie. Mr. Asbury Peppers. "The hare," began the presy boarder, "has long been chosen as an emblem of timidity — " "Come to think of it," interrupted Asbury Peppers, amid the grateful glances of other boarders, "I have noticed a. tendency in my own hair lately to make itself scarce."—Cin cinnati Enquirer. m AN UNEXPECTED MEETING. " ___________ ■JZaX" ™ * fßßESaß^rsaa *— "— — —— — — — — — _ j I—Mr.1 — Mr. Bactrian and Mr. Rodent — (simultaneously) Just watch me Jump over that chap and scare him into fits. "■' I -■ ■ ■ . _ 2— » * * Bip ! ! ! r^ 1 i s£a_g_gj_g; , . : ; 3— (Both) I beg pardon, old man. Didn't know you were loaded. — i am _ A Despoiled Native Protests. Chicago Tribune. " 'Old up your 'ands!" commanded one of the two footpads, pointing a cocked revolver at the head of the belated citizen. "You's got the drop on me," grumbled the citizen, emptying reluctantiy, "or I'm darned if I'd let an English syndicate rob me with out making some resistance." MORE I'SEPI*!.. S__lPi_ cH 7 D xT th t C 2 nnt brin & a valet "ver with him? BTveet Marie— No, he brough tan auctioneer. A Good Hunting Ground. Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. "Henry!" "Yes, Your Excellency." "I am deeply Interested In the news from Kentucky." "I do not wonder. Your Excellency. Polit ical matters In that state are very engross ing." "I see lt announced that Gov. Bradley is on a senatorial still hunt." "Yes. sire." "Well, Henry, he needn't hunt far In Ken tucky without finding a still." A MODERN ROMANCE. CHAPTER I. "Did your wealthy old grandfather mention you in his will?" CHAPTER 11. "He did." CHAPTER ill. "Then. Fitz Rooey, dearest, I am yours till death." CHAPTER IV. "He mentioned that I should be cut off without a red cent." CHAPTER V. "Then, Fitz Rooey, I am not yours for even a little minute — good-bye." THE END. THE HOSPITAL JESTER. The amputating surgeon said, As midway of the bone He paused for breath and turned his head Unto the patient prone: "Have you some added message, friend, To your reflection come, If worse befalls you'd have me send To anxious ones at home?" The patient for a moment let His eye, by no means dim. Rest on the jagged weapon set In section of his limb. Then, smiling, as the hint did stir His thought's susceptive tide. "Just tell them that you saw me, sir," He playfully replied. — Boston Courier. What Did He Mean. "I cooked the dinner myself, love," re marked Mrs. Shingles, when the meal had reached the dessert stage. "It was not necessary to tell me that, dear," replied Mr. Shingles.— Pittsburg Chron icle-Telegraph. am Rack Fence Conversation. Maria— Yes, I'll like you, Mr. Fells, but mamma says she has heard that you lead a double life. Thomas— A double life? I lead nine of 'em. — Indianapolis Journal. An Apparent Opening, "I visited a tribe In Africa that did not know the use of flre or clothing," said the traveler, "and the only tool the people had was a spade washed ashore from a wreck." "By jingo," said McAuber, "what a fine chance for a man to start a bicycle repair shop." — New York World. The Boy Stood . "I'd like to throw you cold hands for the drinks," said Don Juan, "but I haven't any cards." "That's all right," returned Casablanca; "I have decks to burn." — New York Press. A Difficulty. His Fiancee— lf you wish I will retire from the stage. The Count— But— how are we to live?— A nswers. Highly Rearreta.t.le Accident. "Hear about ths awful accident that hap pened to young "Wiltowbyr"' "I saw him going around with his hand and face tied up, but I did not know what was the matter." "It happened this way: A spark from his cigarette fell on one of bis celluloid buttons and the whole twenty-flve he was wearing caught fire."— lndianapolis Journal. WELL Pi WISH El.. Minnie— Did you sing for Mr. Goodcatch last night, dear? Winnie — Yes, love, for nearly an hour. Minnie— Oh, I'm so glad, darling, I always detested that man. AN IDEAL AUDIENCE. There's just one girl, of all I know- Dear heart— devoid of tricks— To whom, these days, I love to go And talk on politics. She never tries to beat me down, Or crowd me off the floor; But listens hours, without a frown- Sweet Mabel— only four. — Chicago Record. PROGRESSIVE FARMING. I— A view of Farmer Turniptop's farm buildings before he saw those thirty story sky-scrapers in Chicago. unity 2 — And after. Not on the Right Traclc. Chicago Post. "I'm getting a little weary about this talk about a chainless bicycle," said the park policeman. "Don't you think there's anything in It?" asked the man in the golf suit. "There may be," answered the park police man, "but It certainly ls not the crying need of the hour." "What would you consider more import ant," demanded the man in the golf suit. "A voiceless bicyclist," responded the park policeman, and friends of the man ln the golf suit noticed that it was nearly fifteen min utes before he yelled at some one to get out of his way, and that it was fully two hours before he again attempted to descant on the beauties of bicycles of any partlculer make. ■■— ■■'. ~» « I !■' — — A_. SINSHINE AHEAD. ?£!*~r V ,? U w f wont set an y ot father's money while he Uvea, i^* J_*V» U _.o S fS? teebeaL Wlth US ' ""* y ° U ' re *° in * t0 do the o001 ? Phtleeoj.hr by Oreathead. Thsophilus Greathead sat In his Übrary wrapped in a brOwn Study, "I was thinking," he said, "wtti* walking down Broadway yesterday, how people mm to take a delight in getting in -my way. Then a great thought came to me and I have hastened homo to Jot it down. It Is this: That if other people are la "my way, I am certainly as much ln theirs." As to Her Figure. He— l wonder why nobody has asked Miss Carlinghorn to waltz this evening. She— The dear girl is too angular to fit well In a round dance. A Humane Motive. "Why ls it that you football men wear long hair?" "Why, to show the world that there are other kinds of Intellectual men besides poets." A LOVER'S COMPLIMENT. "A pretty thing ln gloves," she said, "1 wish to get a perfect glove." "The prettiest thing in gloves," said he, "Are those white hands of yours, my love.** —Boston Courier^. m Novel Thief Catcher. A novel means of protecting a cash box froni marauding fingers has been hit upon by a certain merchant at Budapest. He sprinkles the box with a certain powder, which haa the peculiar effect of dyeing the skin blue, tha .color being intensified by washing and resist-* ing the persuasions of soap.