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TAB AB8UB, THTJKSPAY. MAT 196.
GEMS OP QUICK WIT.
HAPPV ANSWERS WORTHY OF A
PLACE IN LITERATURE.
OI4 WiMleteas Which Am ae Cm4 Today
aa Waoei Tay War tint fit Focta.
law Coarta aa4 riaajiii Faratek a
Mr. Samuel Wellcr'a tncmorable evi
dence at a certain breach of promise
trial is probably a "record" for the
greatest number ot happy answers in the
shortest time. Lot there' are authenti
cated instances of actual ' utterances
'which certainly rival them in brilliance
and appropriateness. The law courts, as
way te imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many are, perforce, unappre
Ciubln by tbuae unacquainted with the
technicalities or tho "argot" of the fo
rum.' Still, Lamb's chaffing description
of a friend's maiden brief as the "first
great eeus leas, understood" is in
comprehensible enough, as is the quiet,
arquiearent "That in so, my lord, " of
the barrister to whom an irate judge
bad Just nhaprred. "1 can't jjiTB you
braina, Mr. Ho-and-sn. "J. myself,
have two small manors, my lord," said
rrry ill bred, pompous counsel, to il
lurtratf a qncMioo of property law.
"We all know that, Mr. Kewsey," ob
"rred the judge with mare courtesy,
aiMl a muiltt of deliitht ran round the
aaaotuMed bor. ' "Look at me, sir, and
attrml tu what I shall ask you," thun
dered a learned rounsel whose unfortu
nate "hotm-lines" of feature had pain
d him tiie w.hriquet of the Veiled
Prophet, "Thisbt an English court,"
rejoined the wit lie quietly, "and you
have ihj right to impose torture before
putting the queation. '
iTiHonera, t's hare a fair proportion
of "hoppy anawcrs" credited to them.
)f thine periiaps the beat known are
that of a man who, when asked if he
pleaded "guilty or not guilty," replied
that he couldn't say till ho had heard
the evidence, and the naive response of
the prisoner to the usual quest ion before
the sentence, "Have you anything to
say, prisoner, before sentence is pro
nounced upon yliar ' "It's very kind of
yonr honor, and if it's quite agreeable
to the enurt I should like to say 'Oood
evening. " On one occasion counsel in
a certain drainage caso submitted that
the plaintiff, the Sewage Localization
company, hud "no 'locus standi' in this
court. " "Heaven forbid!" was the fer
vent rjarolnf ion of the learned Judge,
ftmiethlng akin to this was the answer
of thn judge when complaint was made
that a lueklesa process server had been
rompellcil to swallow the writ bo had
etMleavnred to serve. "I hope," said his
lonkhip gravely, "that the writ was
not iiiiMte returnable in this court."
The "happy answer," owing their
point to Ilililiral or ecclesiastical allu
sions, are still mure numerous, but in
tnauy cam a are aomewbat too audacious
for print. "Ho is a regular St. Paul"
was the final eulogy made by an enthu
siastic friend of a certain needy clergy
man whom rhronio impecuniosity had
brought him into painfully frequent fa
miliarity with the various proeeaxes of
tho law for tho recovery of debts.
"Yes," said the bishop, whose assist
ance Waa being solicited, "quite so. I
see 'in prisons oft !' " Tho pardonable
but injudicious enthusiasm of somecler
gymeu over their musical services has
given riso to many smart sayings, which
nro, at any rate, "ben trovata" None,
perbaiis, is better than the familiar one
of the exasperate visitor who, after be
ing made to listen in torment to Gre
gorian chants cruelly murdered, was
told that ncconlitig to tradition those
ehiuiM owed their origin to King David
biuua ll The visitor, rendered reckless
by his misery, retorted that he had of
ten wonilercd why Saul threw that la
din at the royal psalmist but be quite
umicrstixxl it now.
A can-worn divine is reported to hare
said in reply to the ecstatic declaration
of an intending Benedict that "nothing
iu the world beats a good wife, " "Oh,
yes, a bad husband often does, and
vice versa r " One would like to have
known the schoolgirl who, in reply to
her brother's Jeers and inquiry, "Why
girls should be always kissing each oth
er and men not?" said that, of course.
it was because girls hod nothing better
to kiss and men had but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de
veloped into the fair cynic who, after
season or two of conquests, gave it as
her opinion that men were like colds.
very easy to catch and very hard to get
riil of. Few better things are recorded
than the answer of Beaconsfield to the
question how be felt after the change
from the stormy scenes of the commons
to the servtM atmosphere of the lords.
"Feel!" answered tho statesman. "I
feel as though 1 were dead and buried."
and then, noticing for the first time
that his questioner was a peer, he add
d, with a charming smile and bow.
"and among the blessed spirits of the
great ami gvL" This adroit recovery
irom an unlortunate slip recalls the fa
miliar story ot the prince regent and
tlie officer of marines. In those brave
old oars of free drinking the cmptv bot
ties which gathered apace were styled
"marines." tor what reason it is hard
to say. The prince ralb-d to servant
and bade bun "clear awav those ma
rlnea. ' An oflWr of that distinguished
rorps who was present resented the ob
s-rtatl.ro as twine to adopt the phrase
ology of Mr. Welter's mottle fared friend
"personal to the cloth" and renneat.
ed an rspl.uiation. "My dear ct.UaieL"
aid hia royal highneaa, with winning
. i " i raiira litem mannea be.
eanse. like your fellows, they've done
ineir uuryandare rrai'ytodo it again."
i n ar? replies in the langnsffo of com
plimt ut claim a literature of iheir m-n
but one must sure "pour indiqacr ks
autre" "We shall never forget vou."
sait a queen of Aiciety to one of her
suojerta who waa making hia adieus.
"Your ladyship has now given me the
only inducement not to return,
tu c BiuiuDBnirrB
IHs Life Sat a Haas Oae rresa Hia Owa !
Pates of View.
"Yes," said tho pawnbroker, "the
public has an idea' that wc are a hard
hearted lot, bet that is only one side of
the story. A man in this business who ;
had rears to hed wouldn't have a roof
over his head inside of a year. "
"lou mean you can't afford to city
the misfortunes of others on a cash
basis?" I queried.
' ery few people come here on ac
count of misfortune. You saw the young
man wno ent out as you came in? '
"Yes an actor, eh?"
"Very likely. . Here's a watch he
brought. The works are second class
and The cases filled. I can buy a carload
at $15 apiece. He was hard up and
came here to make a raise. He said his
wife was dying, and he wanted 23 on
the watch. When I offered him 5. he
wept, but if you'll follow him two
blocks you'll find him in a saloon,
(pending part of the money. Nine out
of ten customers don't hesitate to lie,
and ten out of ten would beat your Co
sts Isaac It they could. "
"But people pawn their clothes to
get food." I said.
"Perhaps so. Here's a dress a woman
brought in an hour ago. She also wept
She bad a story about sickness and hun
ger, nnd she declared this was her wed
ding drrx. From certain earmarks I
know she bought this dress secondhand.
I know she paid $4 for it. I strained a
point when I offered her $2. but she'll
go out and call me a highway robber. "
"But you never get taken in and done
"Don't 1? Well. I'd like to see the
wwnlimk r who hasn't been done up!
It's a cold month when I don't get beat,
and by the very people whom you would
sympathize with muaL See these shiu-
"Yes fine diamonds."
"Want 'cm for a dollar apiece?"
"You don't mean it!"
"Glad to get it, sir. They were left
by a woman who wanted to raise money
to bury her husband. I was half sick
and very busy and gave her 60 on
them. They are paste only paste. She
came in here to beat me of course, and
no doubt had a good laugh over it.
Here's a locket set with pearls, which
my clerk advanced 30 on. The weeping
man who brought it wanted to bury his
dead wife with the money. I can buy
xm at wholesalo for f 3 apiece. Don't
you believe all you hear about your un
cle baring a heart of stonei There ore
plenty of people who wouldn't beat a
street car, but we are considered fair
game fur them, and they'll lie like
smoke to tuke us in. It's a great place
tor tears, siglis and tales of sorrow, but
the main idea is to give vour Uncle
Isaac the cold drop, and it's done often
er thnn I care to acknowledge. " De
troit Free Press.
MYSTERIES OF THE LOUVRE.
Walls That Awm Bell red to Hid the
Boaaa off Mardciw4 Men.
Every one who has "done" tho Louvre
will remember the low pitched and
somewhat gloomy hulls in which are
stored the treasures cf Egypt Beneath
these lie yet more darkly mysteriopg
vaults, inacceiisiblo to the public,
though approached by a wide and hand
some stairaisc, such as would lead one
to imagine that it communicated with
apartments of some importance. Yet
one finds nt the bottom nothing but
broad passages disposed in the form of a
crocs, and without any sign whatever
of dxr or window.
A recent examination, however, of
the solid stone walls gives experts rea
son to believe that the masonry is more
recent than the rest of the stiucture in
this, the oldest portion of the fortress
palace. M. Vaugneux, a well known
critic, believes that muuy of the bodies
of victims killed in the revolution of
J 830 were immured here, and that the
government was afraid to reveal the
fact when the remains of their comrades
were collected beneath the Colonne de
On the other hand, M. Blondel, the
architect of the building, aiTd M. Nor
mand, the secretary of the Society For
Protecting Parisian Monuments, bold
the opinion that these subterranean pas
sages led to tho oubliettes, into which
Catherine de' Medici cast those who
were unfortunate enough to incur her
hate or frar. A judicious exploration
would clear up the matter and settle.
too, several doubtful points as to the
foundations of Lescot s original citadel.
Unfortunately, the annual grant does
not provide fur any such archaeological
research, and it would be necessary to
appeal for funds to the generosity of the
chamber. London Chronicle,
Bow M Don Electricity Trarclf
The above question is frequently
asked in every day conversations, bat u
seldom answered to the satisfaction of
the querist Wheatst one says that the
speed cf electricity from point to point
along a proper conductor is practically
instantaneous. Various attempts have
been made to ascertain the exact nnm
ber of miles which the current will
travel in a given length of time. Ac
cording to the most reliable estimates.
which such experimenters have made
its speed is not less than 114.000 mile
per second. The writer adds: "Such
speed is inconceivably great The mind
cannot contemplate it without stagger
ing ' St Louis Republic -
Teacher (to class) Why is procras
tination called the thief o time?
Boy (at foot ot class) Because it
lakes a person So long to tay it Har
lem Life. -
The first bint of paper makinc in Eu
rope was in Constantinople. The proc
ess was brought from China by way cf
Samarkand in A D. Gol.
Stern duties need not speak sternly.
He who stood firm before the thunder
worshiped the "still small voice."
rWOf SSAKE STORIES.
TOLD BY A GENTLEMAN WHO IS AWAY
UP IN SERPENTOLOQY. - .
Caalwa That Should Not Ua Killed Haw
tho Black Soako Hnate mmt Captarea IU
Food Besetting a Ship From a Python
Who Bad Calmly Takes Pnmiilos.
"Sit down and sharpen your pencil,
while I overhaul my mental shelves,"
remarked Mr. Thompson, curator of the
aoological collection in .the park, in an
swer to a request for some snake stories.
"Before giving you some of my experi
ences I want to enter a protest against
the indiscriminate slaughter of our com
mon harmless snakes, such as the black
snake, garter snake and the like. Every
farmer should protect them, for they are
beneficial, instead of being harmful, as
is generally supposed by a large major
ity ot humanity. Any naturalist will
tell you that the food at the black snake
consists largely of rats, mice, etc., while
that of the garter snake is principally
insects, such as grasshoppers, caterpil
"Now for some of my experiences. In
my younger days I was crossing Ashby's
gap, over the Blue Ridge, Virginia, in
company with on uncle of the famous
Block Horse Cavalry Ashby. We were
making a portion of the ascent through
quite a deep cut, when our attention
was attracted by a toad, which rolled
instead of hopped down the sido slope.
Ashby pulled up the horse and said,
'There's a black snake after that fellow. '
An instant after tho snake thrust his
head through the fence, and on observ
ing us drew bock. In the meanwhile the
toad hod gathered himself together, and
was hopping at a lively gait up the rc.' i
Ashby remarked, 'Now I will show you
something, and sprang out of the buggy
and caught tho toad, which he carried a
short distance and released. Ketumiug,
he turned the buggy and drove back
down the road some 50 steps, when we
alighted and tied the horse. Climbing
over the fence on the opposite side cf the
rood to that on which the snake bad
made his nppearancewe stealthily work
ed our way up until wc come in sight of
the point where he was first seen. Lying
down in the long grass and pot ring
through the rails we did not hare to
wait long before the snake reappeared.
"He looked about for a few seconds,
and then descended tho slope down
which the toad had rolled, and followed
his trail up the road. On coming to the
spot where it had been picked up, lie
began to circle, precisely as a dog would
acton losing the scent. He gradually in
creased the size of his circles until he
struck the epot where the toad had been
put down, when he made a bee line
after it We leaped into the road and
hurried after hissnakeship, who as scon
as he discovered that he was being fol
lowed turned up the slope and squirmed
out of sight through the fence. Ashby
said, 'I am sure you ore satisfied now
that a black snake hunts by scent.
"Now I shall have to take you out to
South Africa. I lived in Durban, Natal,
which is about 1,000 miles around tho
Cape of Good Hope, up toward Mada
gascar. One morning I received a note
from the port captain, asking me to
come down to the harbor with all possi
ble dispatch, as a python had taken pos
session of a German brig and I was
wanted to capture it. Taking one of my
keepers with me, I hurried down, and
found quite a crowd on the jetty, among
which was the crew cf the brig. On in
quiry I learned that there had been a
shower during the night, and in the
morning the mate had ordered ouc of
the men to go aloft and shake out the
6ails, in order to dry them. He started
up, and on reaching the maintop turned
and come down on the clean run. The
tar was instantly ordered to hades
and numerous other places, while the
valiant mate started aloft to attend to
matters on his own hook. No sooner did
bis head get on a level with tho top than
he came down at a gait which far ex
celled that of the disobedient sailor. He
instantly raised the alarm, and the en
tire crew lest no time in getting cn
shore and spreading the report that the
rigging was full cf the biggest kind of
"With the assistance of the port cap
tain's binoculars I had no difficulty in
making a critical examination of the
entire upper works of the vessel, which
was anchored ahoct 100 yards from the
Fhore. The result waa one large python.
coiled around the laps of the main and
topmast Borrowing a sack, I managed.
after much persuasion, to get two of the
crew to pull myself and keeper off to the
brig, where they left us mid turned
back to the jetty. I unrove the flag hal
yards, made a noose in one end of them
and hunted around until I found a stout
piece of reed some six or eight feet in
length. Climbing up the shrouds, I
make my attack t hrougli the lubber's hole
by punching his snakeship with the
reed, to the end of which I had tied the
noose. He put his head down through
the bole for the purpose cf fighting me,
when he was instantly noosed around
the neck and the halyards made fast to
the ratlines. In his violent efforts to ef
feet a release he drew back with such
force as rapidly to choke himself into
insensibility. Calling to the keeper to
bold tho mouth of the sack open. I
watched until I thought he was nearly
at his last gasp, when I squirmed up
on the top, loosened his coils around the
masts, lowered him into the sack, when
tho keeper immediately cut the noose.
By the time that I reached the deck he
had nearly recovered from hia severe
wind stoppage. I gently opened the
mputh of tho sack to have a good look
at him and discovered from bis bloated
. appearance that he had recently par
j taken of a hearty meal. On the arrival
of the crew on beard it was discovered
that the captain's fox terrier was miss-
Iing. I therefore concluded that the
python, in swimming acrccs the harbor.
bad struck the vessel s hawser, up which
he bad crawled on to the deck, swallow
ed the dog and gone aloft to digest hia
meal " Buffalo Commercial
ooii'T Lean out oKplumb.
IM you ever ohaervc In your Tamblca about
1 he political scenes of the day
Bow often reformers engender a doubt '
Ejr their overponctilious way?
Their censorship always reminds ma ot thoae
nha teneatb my inspection have come.
Attempting to strike a magnificent pose.
Hare o eraonc it to leca oat of plumb.
They lean too tar back, and, in faet, become
Most foo'u.-h the nostnre ther take
And instead ot expressing their upright intent
TLcy lead yon to tear they may break.
They wish yon to feel that they're honest and
And not at all crooked or dnmb.
Ytt thero They will stand with their eyes to
And oncoasciously lean out of plumb.
In trade cr religion; in politics, too. .
it oar rectitn' we wonld disclose.
Stand modestly forth to the popular view
Ana don't try to strut or to nose.
For oft times oar eagerness may 1 too great-
At least it has haubened to some
And oar efforts to tower in niatteni of eta to
Dwarf all chance as tre lean ont of plumb.
Earry O. Dowd in Sow York Sun.
A FLOOD REMINISCENCE.
now a Tonne English Engineer Saved
Lowell From Destruction.
The city cf Lowell was saved from
destruction in 1832 by the foresight of
one young man. About 1S35 a Lowell
antiquarian named Uriah A. Boyden
devoted murh attention to investigating
a tradition Tnf a great flood in the Merri
mac in 1785 and found an old man who
remembered that his father marked the
height of the water by driving a spike
in an cpple tree. ilr. Boyden persevered
in his search until he found the tree in
Tyugsboro, several miles above Lowell.
Its trunk was hollow, and entering it
from below ho discovered the spike, its
head wholly concealed by the bark, at a
considerable distance above the 'ground.
It showed that iu 1785 the water had
risen to a point 13-a feet higher than
the top of the1 dam at the mouth of. the
canal, which furnished the Lowell wa
ter power in 1835.
The engineer in charge of this power
was James B. Francis, a ycung English
man, who urged ther directors of the
corporation to provide against the recur
rence of Sucb a rise of water. His argu
ments prevailed, and ho was allowed to
construct two immense wing walls cf
inasonry, diverging from the canal leek
and inclosing the entire country between
the-cuiidl nnd the river. Over the water
way he hung an immensely strong gate,
weighing 20 tons, which was suspended
by a wrought iron chain. A sledge and
a cold chisel were placed in tho care of
the watchman for use when needed. The
work was finished ia 1S50, and for two
years was laughed at as "Francis'
folly." . .
. On the morning of April 22, 1852, the
waters rose so high that the citvof
Lowell was threatened with destruction,
and the young engineer was sent for.
He rode to the dam without a saddle
and hurriedly cut the chain, releasing
the great gate. His work stood bravely,
and the Boston Advertiser, five days
later, said that if it had not been con
structed "cvrry vestige of tho old guard
gates would have been carried away and
a mighty and uncontrollable river would
have swept through the heart cf Low'
ell, destroying everything in its course."
A service of plato was presented to Mr.
Francis, and during tho remainder of
his life, which carted only recently, he
was one of Lowell s most honored citi
zens. Fcr more than 40 years ho was
agent of the corporation controlling the
water power. -Chicago Inter Ocean.
One Way of Catchinc Fiddler Crake.
There are various ways of catching
fiddler crabs. Ouo way of catching the
black or mud fiddler, the one that liorcs
into meadow bunks along salt crocks, is
with two boards so placed a3 to form a
deep sided letter V. The fisherman seeks
a spot where there is a little strip of
sand at low water, between the base of
the mud bank and tho water's edge.
The crab 5 como out of their holes nnd go
down to the edge cf the water, often in
great numbers. Tho fisherman conies
over the meadow with his boards, which
he sets up cu edgo as quietly as ho cun
on tho sand, with the opeuiug of the V
toward tho water. Then ho alarms the
crabs, and they come scurrying up tbc
little beach iu multitudes, bound for
their boles. As they come they carry
their big claw aloft, somewhat us the
soldier carries his gnu. It ia from this
habit that the fiddler crab gets the name
of soldier crab, by which it is also
known. Those crabs that are opposite
the opening in the V hustle with the
rest of tho line, but when they strike
the board sides they are thrown more
and more together, until they converge
in a mass at the point. The fisherman,
sitting outside, takes them out by the
handfuL New York Sun.
Leonardo da Vinci.
Leonardo da Vinci, being a great
architect and engineer, as well as painter
and sculptor, left notebooks proving
that he had studied the flight cf birds
and had planned flying machines to be
driven by wing or ty screw propellers.
But as Leonardo was good at figures be
seems to heve abandoned his plans after
finding out how much force would be
needed. Tudcr Jeuks in St Nicholas.
The Weak Point.
The owner cf a menagerie in Berlin,
which included a "happy family," con
sisting of a lion, a tiger, a wcif and a
sheep, was asked cue day in confidence
how long these animals had lived to
gether. "About nine months, " he re
plied, "excepting the sheep, which has
to be renewed occasionally. "London
"Tell that to the marines" indicates
the contempt which, even to the present
. day, prolessicual sailors feel and ex
! press fcr the f lodiers who furiu a por
i tion of the complement on board a maii
j of-war. '
I Grace, leads the right way. If you
' rhocse the wrcng. take it and perish,
. but restrain your tougue. Charge not,
I with lights sufficient and left free, yonr
willful suicide on (zed's decree.' Cow
TWENTY FIRST STREET
jr LU h rZroi-iZz.- ' "
- ; - : efw,j " i! v i . r
, - B -I - " .11. fi -: i - - , T ' , -
-1 11 ZZ a t i 8rj'- 1 - ' - I3-'
& & q '. -! ; : - Cr a-
y s V-'-.u o;-c'2 o I - leti ; -S
i M---i h Ii fp.-n T;
Li- f, 1 ! lr-f 1 j N l-S
t sfea A 17 4. j.9: m r 4 5.!a ! 3
hi --J! r U I : A i S$ i lA&
11 fill ffl - ..wrl: - fl ! S
Fine Residence Lots on
. This addition is located between Twentieth and Twenty-second streets and Tenth and Twelfth avenues.
Nearly every lot in it has upon it a fine walnut, elm. hackberry or other large tree, and ia already provided
wit a abundant shade. These lots are in the very best part of the city, and are the most desirable for resi
dence purposes. The drainage ia perfect, and gas, water and sewerage are fully provided for. These loU are
sold for desirable homes and not for speculation.
31. Ma' STURGEON, WTCHELL ckLYWtiJ BUILDWO
Uuoolnfj a Hoefl
Representing among other time-tried
and well known Fire Insuranoe Com
panies the following:
artcaertsr Gtfrmaa Ins Oo Koetmmer, H T
.. Slanenostet M U
. M Uwaukse, Wla
.Ha Haraa, Oocr
Mllwvnee tieckaalea M
OS oe Corner Eighteenth stree
and Second Avenue, second floor.
Telephone No. 1047.
J. M BUFORD,
Oentsra . . .
Taaetd Ttf aM Tio-tn Onupaala
Lsuss PremptlT ?HL
ata a low as at relloi rni.r cm
, Voai PmaiM la MruA.
FTJEITT AND EXCELLENCE
IS THE MOTTO AT .
t i -. Ton of xpericaca aaa tao
. - bastot ftMUitica. .
No's 161-118 Third Ave. PfcoaaiisT.
Old age can be attained by the proper use of in
vigorating tonics. The Rock Island Brewing Co's
products are all the results of scientific labor and
the most improved apparatus, preserving in the
highest degree the health giving qualities of the
- 1 i v..
BOTTLED GOODS A SPECIALTY.
l"r Far Cent Interest Pid on Deposits
Money iMial on Personal Collateral or Baal Estate SaomrUj.
f Bwms, ftoMeat.
. Jon lmm. Viae Pi
Rock Island Browing Go.
Incorporated Under the
ROCK ISLAND. ILL.
H P Ball.