THE ROCK ISLAND ARGUSXTTJESDAY. SEPTEMBER 6, 1910. "
:: THE ARGUS.
; Published Dally and Weekly at
lecond avenue. Rook Wand. X1L En
tered at the postofflce ae aecond-clas
natter.
BY THE J. W. POTTER CO.
TERMS. Dally, 10 cents per week.
.Weekly, $1 per year In ad ranee.
' All communications of argumentative
haracter. political or rellgloua. must
bare real name attached (or publica
tion. No Bach article wlU be printed
ever fictitious Iff natures.
-- Correspondence solicited from erery
township tn Rock Island county.
Tuesday, Septombcr 6, 1901.
AirPtOTTNCEMEJIT.
I hereby announce myself as a can
didate for the democratic nomination
for minority representative In the Thir
ty-third senatorial district, and ask the
support of all democrats who deem me
worthy. J. a SLOAN.
Next week's the week In Rock Is
land. In defending tbe wild birds and
"rabbit shepherds," Governor Deneen
seems very game.
It does not necessarily carry ap
proval of the Fargo performance to
say that Roosevelt now knows how it
feels to "be called a liar In public.
And to think that Theodore Roose
velt should go away out Into Dakota
to be publicly initiated into the Ana
nias club of his own creation.
Wonder If Brother Charley was on
hand, "unobtrusively" at St. Paul to
see how the administration he is run
ning was received by union labor?
Theodore Roosevelt, former presi
dent of the United States of America,
publicly admitted at Fargo yester
day that the paper of which he is
one of the editors is paying his trav
eling expenses on. his present tour.
What is this then, simply an adver
tising stunt for the Outlook?
One of the significant features of
Labor day was the attitude of the
marching hosts in St. Paul toward
President Taft. The unbiased news
dispatches tell us that grim and si
lent, the unions paraded by the re
viewing stand where stood the pres
ident, and that in no instance was
the slightest demonstration, while
many of the organizations refused to
participate in the procession. That's
what labor thinks of the present ad
ministration. Seidel's Snub to Roosevelt.
Acknowledging an invitation ad
dressed him b the Milwaukee Press
club. Mayor Seidel wrote:
; "Your valued communication of
recent date notifying me of my ap
pointment to the reception commit
tee on the occasion of the visit of
Mr. Roosevelt has been received. Let
me assure you that the distinction
Intended by the committee to be con
ferred upon me by this appointment
Is appreciated. I regret, however,
that in v?w of the unscholarly and
unfair position Mr. Roosevelt has
taken In the discussion of the move
ment for which I have spent all my
spare time and energy, it Is impos
sible for me to accept the intended
honor. However, I wish to assure
you that as chief executive of the
city I extend to your guest the cour
tesy every man is entitled to in a
republic. Hoping it will be possible
for me to serve you and our city in
any capacity in the future, t remain,
yours very truly, Emil Seidel."
If Mr. Roosevelt were visiting Mil
waukee as president of the United
States official etiquette would mako
It imperative upon, the mayor to re
ceive him officially. But Mr. Roose
yelt in the capacity of private citizen
is to be the guest, not of the city,'
but of the Pres3 club. Therefore
there is no civic obligation upon ihe
mayor to participate in the recep
tion.
Mr. Beldel in his letter Is revealed
as maintaining - personal dignity in
language indicating excellent tem
per and fine breeding. He engages
in no abuse of Mr. Roosevelt and
merely takes the position that Mr.
Roosevelt having "unfairly" and "un
scholarly" -criticised socialists of
whom he 13 one, . and socialism, of
which he' is an advocate, that he will
not meet him socially.
Recipe for Happy Marriages.
Examples have been furnished dur
ing the past week of married couples
who have lived together 70 years.
One was Mr. and Mrs. Louis Sher
wood of New York, and the other Mr.
and Mrs. J. K. Boyer of a suburb of
Chicago. It is relate'd of the first
named couple, and probably is true
of the second, that they lived togeth
er for 70 years without atjuarrel.
The reasons assigned for the hap
py unions of the parties who enjoy
this distinction have a wide interest.
"We Just loved each other and that
was all there was about it," said Mrs.
Sherwood. But the true recipe seems
to be contained in the husband's re
mark that he "minded his own busi
ness, while she attended to her own
affairs."
Of Mr. and Mrs. Boyer It is stated
that "changing conditions of life and
fortune found them unchanged in
mutual devotion, and now in the twi
light of old age, they offer to their
children, their grandchildren, their
great grandchildren, and to the whole
world, an example of the peace and
happiness which comes from lives
full of help, of toleration, and of
love."
In those simple policies which have I
governed these two venerable cou-j
pies are comprised all the philosophy
not only of happy marriages, but of
harmonious human relations in the
broader sense. If married people
lived lives of non-interference, of
help, of toleration and of love, there
would be but little marital discord,
less divorce and fewer cases of do
mestic disagreement in . the police
courts. The course pursued by these
couples served to unite them more
closely and to avert the conflict of
interests which cause shipwreck.
These were unions without a dictator
or boss.
It would be well to hang the por
traits of Mr. and Mrs. Sherwood and
Mr. and Mrs. Boyer in every court
room in the land where divorces are
granted, as examples of what married
life should be and as an inspiration
for those who seek divorces ,to stop
their "foolishness" and go and do
likewise.
Credit Side of Rural Delivery.
A Connecticut rural mall carrier,
who evidently performs his service
with an observant eye and a receptive
mind, writes that he has seen a great
deal printed and has heard more said
about the great cost of the rural free
delivery system, but very little on the
side, of the profits, says the Boston
Transcript. These are not so easy to
determine, but he is confident from
his experience that they exist and
to a -very appreciable amount. While
they do not appear upon the surface,
they are indicated in many ways. If
they do not come back to the govern
ment in money, somebody gets the
benefit. For instance, on his route
of 22 miles he delivers 24 dally pa
pers, where none were taken before
and where none would be taken now
were the service discontinued. Since
the route was established the number
of pieces cf mail matter handled has
increased from less than 3,000 to
more than 6,000 a month, while the
number collected is more than three
times what it was at the start.
While it was not easy to measure
in dollars and cents the increment In
farm values due to this service, the
fact that it exists makes farms more
marketable and more have taken up
the business since it was established.
Moreover, along this route there are
a number of young men 'who have
reached the age cf discretion and de
cision who are remaining on the
farms. He is confident that they
would not have done so had the con
ditions been what they were 10 years
ago. While he does not give all the
credit of this to the free rural sys
tem, he claims that as an important
factor in the equation.
One swallow does not make a sum
mer and the testimony of one carrier
out of an aggregation of 41,000 is too
meager a basis for a general induc
tion, but doubtless the Connecticut
man is Justified in assuming that to
a greater or less extent his experience
is that of his colaborers. It has been
on the strength of this expectation
that the government has made such
a liberal extension of the system.' The
new census returns, when complete,
will give some very interesting fig
ures, with reference to the credit side
of the account, but it will be some
time before they are ready. Each
of the grand army of carriers has
been Interrogated as to the results
that his route has developed, and
while the replies may not in all cases
be as Intelligent as the Connecticut
man has prepared himself to make,
they will show the department where
it stands.
It is assumed that this compara
tively recent responsibility that the
government has taken upon itself is
justified by its educational value, but
the margin between the expenditure
for and receipts from the service is
likely to be a steadily diminishing
one as the years go on. .One thing is
certain: it has come to stay. It is
too popular to be dropped, and must
now be accepted as an established in
stitution. U. S. FACING $60,000,
000 ANNUAL DEFICIT
DESPITE ROSY REPORTS
v-
tContlnued from Page One.)
and year after year, as are the men In
charge of the United States govern
ment, it is but natural to assume that
the stockholders would demand a
new management.
What the Figures Show.
How are these daily deficits made
up? The amount of the deficit Is taken
from the general fund. Figures best
tell the story of what the deficits are
doing to the general fund:
Balance in general fund at close of
year:
1907 $272,001,445.47
1908 245,171.347.73
1903 126,375,428.10
1910 106,894,075.07
Aug. 2S, 1910 S5.C9C.035.42
How T. R Could Be rueful
Mr. Roosevelt has stated over and
over again that it is his ambition, so
far as it within his power lies, to as
sist the people to purify politics.
There is but one way the people can
exert influence to purify politics by
voting for good men and against the
other kind.
If Mr. Roosevelt wishes to give in
formation to the people that will be
of practical benefit to them, why does
he not tell them frankly whether In
his opinion Aldrich and Cannon and
the men who vote with them are
friends or enemies of the republic?
Surely he knows whether they are or
not, after having co-operated with
them as long as he has!
Thousands of Americans believe in
Roosevelt. If he states that Aldrich
and 'Cannon, together with their fol
lowers, legislate for the special Inter
ests "instead of the Interests of the
people, those who. follow him will go
to the polls on Nov. 8 -and purify poli
tics considerably.
The 1010 Campnljca Book. -
Every democratic worker In the coun
try should have a copy of the 1910 dem
ocratic campaign book, which la with
out doubt the best handbook on the
tariff now in print. Oa of the un
usual features of the book, as con
tracted with past campaign books, Is
its utilization of republican utterances
to sustain democratic arguments. Thirty-six
of the 515 pages are made up
exclusively of speeches by rtiuancans,
who take the same position on the big
191 issues as me democratic leaders.
The committee is asking $1 for the
book wbich goes toward defraying ex
penses of the democratic congres
sional committee. Not having been
favored with contributions Uy tne
great Industrial concerns of the coun
try, the democratic committee must
rely largely upon contributions trom
the people. Those who are really un
able to contribute $1 to tbe campaign
fund, however, may secure a copy or
the campaign book free. Contribu
tions and requests for the book should
be addressed to the Hon. James T.
Lloyd, chairman National Democratic
committee, Washington, D. C
Ship Subsidy Bobs Up.
In his letter to the republican con
gressional committee President Taft
serves notice on the country that if
the next house is republican the $5,
000,000 ship subsidy grab will be
passed.
The republicans had intended pass
ing this bill at. the last session, but
were side-tracked by a scandal which
brought about a congressional investi
gation of the Merchant Marine league
of Cleveland, O. At the inquiry it de
veloped that subsidiary concerns of
the steel trust,' together with other In
dividuals and concerns which would
profit through the opening of the ship
subsidy pork barrel, had donated
money to the league which was in turn
used to promote sentiment favorable
to the subsidizing of steamship lines,
and to attack, intimidate and terrify
members of congress (particularly re
publicans) who were hostile to the
idea of ship subsidy.
History records that Grant, almost
as popular in his day as is Roosevelt
now, also wanted a third term as pres
ident, but was sat upon emphatically
by the national house of representa
tives, which passed, by a vote of 234
to 18, the following resolution: "That
in the opinion of this house the prece
dent established by Washington and
other presidents after their second
term, has .become, by universal con
currence, a part of our republican sys
tem of government, and that any de
parture from this time-honored custom
would be unwise, unpatriotic, and
fraught with peril to our free institutions."
Elizabethan Slang.
According to the latest edition of
Webster's Dictionary, one meaning of
"lobster" Is "a gullible, awkward, bun
gling or- undesirable fellow." This
meaning Is supposed by most persons
to be a modern development ofslang.
However, "lobster" was a favorite term
of abuse among Englishmen of Qaeen
Elizabeth's day, and Shakespeare may
have denounced bis callboy as a
"lobster" when the boy failed to at
tend to tfJs duties. Some students of
the word think it probably was applied
first to men. with red faces. As signi
fying a soldier the term "lobster" is as
old us Cromwell's day. Lord Claren
den, historian of the civil war in Eng
land, explains that it was applied to
the Roundhead cuirassiers "because of
the bright iron shells with which they
were covered. Afterward British sol
diers in their red uniforms were called
"lobsters." Then came another develop
ment. The soldier in the red coat be
came a "boiled lobster." while the po
liceman in blue was. of course, an
"unboiled" or "raw lobster." Again,
"to boil a lobster" was for a man to
enlist in the army and put on a red
coat. Chienco News.
We Reomve the
Stains of Travel
One "gets all mussed up by the
time they have ended a Journey,
whether It be on a train, boat or
automobile. Come to our finely
appointed beauty shop and let us
remove the stains of travel. A
massage, shampoo and hairdress
adds mightily to the appearance
of any woman. Makes you com
fortable, too. It gives relief and
takes away fatigue.
Call once to see our newly
equipped shop and you will never
go any place else to have your
work done.
Electrical Massage 50c
Shampooing, hair dressing,
(a specialty), scalp mas
sage", facial massage, chir-
opody, manicuring, etc.
Miss Icey Teel
In charge of beauty shop. Sec
ond floor. For appointments tel
ephone 5278 and 278 West.'
Young & McCombs
Co-Operative Store Co.
Rock Island, I1L
Proud before her sister a Hips she sails the seas of timet
Out. far out, upon the deep, ell stately axid sublime
What of fearsome whisperings and what of doubting eyesT
She has stoutly held her course beneath the blacKest sKies,
She has fought the billows off and she has dared the gales
When her sister ships have drifted bacH. with tattered sails.
The old ship, the bold ship, the ship that we are sailing on I
Straight she goes and great she goes her sister ships ev-
trailingon
Hiding out the bitter storms all steady, stanch, and straight
The old ship, the bold ship, the good ship of state.
Other ships go wallowing uncertain to and fro.
Staggering and wavering against the winds they go
Other ships go craftily in fear of warring fleets
Proud before her sister ships she oils with straining sheetst
Out of course and on the course with compass pointing true.
She has tossed aside the bleariest winds that ever blew.
The old ship, the bold ship I Full seasoned Is each rib of her(
Honest thread and trusty seam from sptnnaKer to Jib of heri
Ready for the storm or calm, all comely and sedate
The old ship, the bold ship, the good ship of state I
Sail before your sister ships the course that you must maKe I
Let them waste their whisperings of wonder in your waKe I
We who sail aboard of you. full well we Know your strength,
Know how sure you breast the waves that lurch along your
length.
Know the times that you have met the shiver and the shocK,
Racing in your royal rush by hidden reef and rocrt 1 .
The old ship, the bold ship, the ship that we are sailing onf
Great she goes, - and straight she goes, her sister ships a
" trailing on.
Following and wallowing within her waive they wait
The old ship, the bold ship, the good ship of state !
ft
(Cosjrlctit, 1910,
The Argus Daily Short Story
Intellectual Courtship By Edith B. Arnold.
Copyrighted, 1910, by Associated Literary Press.
iss Margaret Lyall took all the de
grees of the under and post graduate
university courses. Being possessed
of an Independent Income, it was not
necessary for her to make a living, but
she was so clever that the college sent
her abroad to study for a professor
ship. She returned with an additional
foreign degree and assumed the chair
for which she bad been preparing her
self. When Miss Professor Lyall was
twenty-seven years old it occurred to
her that after all she would prefer to
be a wife aud mother to growing old
as a teacher. If she were to choose
the more natural course It was high
time sbe were doing so. She was con
sidered a very attractive woman and
was comely. Sbe had had a number
of offers, but had not been thinking of
marriage aud for this reason bad ac
cepted none of them. Now, having
determined to wed. she looked over the
list of her suitors and settled on Royal
Richardson, a journalist.
Mr. Richardson was editor In chief
of a large newspaper. lie was a high
ly educated and a forceful man. There
13 no place in the world where exact
ness, system and, above all. a quick
resource ore more essential than in the
makeup of a daily newspaper. Mr.
Richardson had a quiet, dignified way
with him that carried great weight.
"That match." every one said, "Is
between one of nature's highest type
of men and the same grade of women.
Such a conple united should produce
Important results for good. What a
splendid spar the one for the other!"
"No doll wife for me," said Mr. Rich
ardson. "Give me a woman with a
brain In her bead!" "If I am to be
married." said Miss Lyall. "I prefer a
man who is certainly not my inferior.
If be Is my superior I will follow his
lead, for that is a law of nature. If
he should turn out to be of poorer
Judgment than I. then that same law
will compel him to submit to my de
crees." Two persons were especially disap
pointed at this engagement. One was
Walter Fairbanks, a quiet, unobtru
sive man several years younger than
Miss Lyall. Not being highly educat
ed himself be bad gone into business
at seventeen he bad a profound ad
miration for Professor Lyall. It
was the acme of bis desires to have
such a woman for his wife. It would
be like an intellectual beggar marry
ing one with an intellectual fortune.
The other disappointed person was
Miss Lacy Brooks, a girl of twenty,
whose knowledge bad been gained in a
public school, but whose heart was as
fresh as a rose and exhaled as much
fragrance upon all wbo knew tier. Sbe
had long worshiped Mr. Richardson
from a distance, but considered him so
far above her that it was madness for
her to aspire to be bis wife
No sooner had Professor Lyall be
come engaged to Mr. Richardson than
she began to take an interest in his
paper. She liked, to pick out editorials
by W. O. Chapmaa)
In which sbe could see his vigorous
opinions expressed In bis terse, pun
gent style. But one day she noticed
what she bad not discovered before.
She was much interested in the na
tional problems of the day and sym
pathized with every movement calcu
lated to bring the trusts under a proper
legal subjection. Mr. Richardson had
given In his editorials an Impression
that this was tbe policy of n,a paper.
But in an article which bore every evi
dence of having been written by him
he made use of tbe term "trust bust
er." The next time he met his fiancee
she said to him:
"Royal. I supposed the policy of your
paper was to advocate tbe regulation
of the trusts by law."
"My dear Margaret, the policy of a
newspaper Is an unknown quantity to
any one except its manager."
"Will you kindly explain?"
Mr. Richardson for the moment for
got that bo was not in his editorial
chair. It seemed an icicle rather than
a sentence that came through his cold
lips
"Yes; I will explain by saying that 1
alone dictate the policy of my paper."
Miss Lyall looked at him with aston
ishment. "And 1 alone." sbe said,
"will decide as to the man I will mar
ry. He shall not be one who would
make use of the obnoxious expression
trust buster.' "
Sbe strode majestically out of the
room and upstairs.
Mr. Richardson departed with a com
plication of feelings. lie was disap
pointed, angered, hurt. For the first
time he bad been interfered with in
his life work. His eyes were opened
to the fact that the high grade of
character, of Intellect, be bad wished
in a wife bad ia this case at least
proved a boomerang, if be bad been
called to account by another his feel
ings would not have been the least ruf
fled. But be bad formed tbe very im
portant plan of marrying Miss Lyall,
and he saw that such a union would
necessitate tbe rooting up of the main
habit of bis life
"Gttod morning. Mr. Richardson'
rame'a soft voice, and. looking aside
as he walked, he met tbe amiable
smile of Miss Brooks. It was like a
warm sunshine breaking tbrougn a
wintry cloud. lie turned and joined
her. For an hour he walked beside
her. listening to her prattle, scarcely
speaking himself, the girl all tbe while
pouring balm on bis perturbed feel
ings. He went with ber to her borne,
and it was another boar before be left.
Miss Lyall suffered the same per
turbed sensations, and as Mr. Richard
son bad been comforted by Miss
Brooks sbe turned to Walter Fair
banks for similar treatment, if a
person of strong mind becomes balked
and consequently irritated there is a
craving for some one not to rely on
for advice, but to whet opinions upou.
Miss Lyall made an excuse to send
for Mr. Fairbanks in order that an
might nave a dummy to pound. Mr.
Fairbanks proved himself admirably
suited to the purpose. 'Not capable of
understanding that higher role of ele
vating by an unceasing flow of infor
mation which Is tbe great work of
newspapers, be saw only the blemishes
resting on the press. When Miss Lyall
told him of ber disagreement with Mr.
Richardson be was surprised that sbe
did not know that bis paper was own
ed by a combination of industrial mag
nates. This opened Miss Lyall's eyes
not only to -the fact of an entire ab
sence of sympathy between ber and
the man who was employed to oppose
views she held very strongly, but that
there was. after all. a comfort in com
ing down with ber aeroplane and hav
ing a heart to heart talk on the earth's
surface with a man wbo knew what
was going on there.
But Mr. Richardson before any an
nouncement '-was made of the break
ing of tbe engagement concluded to
make an effort to set matters right be
tween him and bis fiance. He called
upon ber. and she came down with a
disappointed look on ber face.
"I have called to say. Margaret," he
began, "that perhaps you are not aware
that a newspaper is not exclusively a
concern for dispensing noble ideas. No
ble ideas there may be in it, but tbey
would not be there at all If tbe paper
had no means for its publication. Un
less a newspaper can be made to
pay"
"Has that anything to do with pre
tending to advocate ideas and at the
same time sneering at them?"
"1 don't admit'
"What Is your definition of the term
trust buster?"
"A trust buster? Why, a trust buster
Is one wbo advocates breaking up those
combinations which are essential to
business at tbe present day."
"But I don't admit that they are
essential."
"Certainly your opinion can have
nothing to do with the management of
the paper I edit,"
"If the paper you edit is the exponent
of the principles, or. rather, tbe want
of principles, of the man I am to marry
it certainly is of great importance to
me."
"I am employed to carry out the
policy laid down by the owners of tbe
paper."
"Why, then, do you pretend to carry
out opposing ideas?"
"Margaret, a newspaper is a prac
tical affair. It must have advertise
ments; to secure advertisements it
must have circulation; to have circu
lation It must have readers. Readers
are of various opinions. One must
steer a middle course to"
"Enough! You. the man with whom
I had decided to unite my very being,
have no principles of your own"
"My principles are my own; the pa
per's principles are Its own."
,"Then if you were paid to advocate
anarchy and assassination you would
do so without a qualm of conscience."
"Margaret," be said, changing his
tone to one of despondency, "if our
union is to be one of argument instead
of simple love It will be a failure."
"And unless I marry a man whose
principles are not for sale it will be a
failure."
"You are impracticable."
"Good by !"
Mr. Richardson and Miss Lyall bad
again found themselves in the position
of those
Birds of tempest loving- kind
Thus beating up against the wind,
though neither of tbem loved the
tempest. They were obliged by their
nature to beat up against it. Again
they sought solace in the sympathy of
their Intellectual inferiors. Mr. Rich
ardson called on Miss Brooks, and
Miss Lyall called in Walter Fairbanks.
Richardson sat on a sofa beside the
lithe, laughing girl, rested by ber
every innocent word, by her every
dainty motion and more than all by
that perpetual smile which hovered
over ber Hps. She cared nothing for
the policy of bis paper, and. as to bis
principles, she did not for a moment
doubt that they were noble. A lock of
bis hair fell down over his forehead,
and with the touch of ber waxen fin
gers sbe put it back in place, laughing
as she did so. He took tbe fingers In
his hand and kissed tbem. Then he
kissed her. That 'settled it.
Miss Lyall talked to Walter Fair
banks about her conversation with
Richardson., ne listened to her with
out a word, looking at ber the while
with a pair of sympathetic eyes.
Whenever she said. "Ajn I right V he
replied, "You are," and when she said,
"Am I wrong?" he said. "Yoa are not."
In other words. Miss Lyall got from
Mr. Fairbanks what she wanted. And
60 in time she became accustomed to
getting what she wanted and found it
more convenient to place Mr. Fair
banks where sbe could have bim all
the time. She married him.
Mr. Richardson and Miss Lyall meet
occasionally and have intellectual
talks. Sbe considers bim a brilliant
man, but without principle. He con
siders her a very smart woman, but
educated in a theoretic. Impractical
school. Each Is very happy at home.
Sept. 6 in American
History
Iboo uuiu,. ...vaniKU. famous
sculptor, born at Boston; died
1852.
1822 William Steele nolman. states
man, born: died 1S97.
1S93 Miss Emma Converse, astronom
ical writer, died: born 1S20.
1901 President William McKInley
shot while holding a reception In
the Temple of Music at the Pan
American exposition in Buffalo by
Leon F. Czolgosz. an anarchist.
It Saved His Leg.
"All thought I'd lose my leg," writes
J. A. Swensen, of Watertown, Wis.
Ten years of eczema, that 15 doctors
could not cure, had at last laid me up.
Then Bucklen's Arnica Salve cured It,
Bound and well." Infallible for skin
eruptlons.eczema, salt rheum, bolls,
fever Bores, burns, scalds, cuts , and
piles. Twenty-five cents at all drug
gists. ."'
Humor and
Piiilosophy
r WtCAJV M. SMITH
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
gOME men rememlter Saturday night
as the night tbey take a bath, and
others rem-jiuber it us tbe night they
duck it
Some men never stay at borne long
enough to make It unhappy.
You never can tell wbo 1 your best
friend nor how lung he will last. That
is one of he uncertainties that make
life worth living.
No matter how crazy a girl may be
for decorative effect, she doesn't 11 ko
to decorate the wall herself.
Pleasure, It li said, has to be paid
for with pain, but it does get on our
narves to have to pay in advance and
then be unable to get the goods de
livered. Being comfortable Is an art. and by
tbe same token there are a lot of in
artistic people In the world.
Tbe man who knows It all and
doesn't compromise himself by letting
bis condition of stultified wisdom be
known stands a slight chance of re
covery. Too Literal.
English as she is spoke at times
needs a diagram and a guidebook for
foreigners wbo are making a heroic
effort to master the tongue.
A woman was complaining to ber
maid, wbo was not many moons re
moved from one of the northern lands
across the sea, about the way tbe laun
dress had done up a new and expen
sive shirt waist.
"Take this waist back to her and tell
her to do it over." she said. "Rake her
over the coals good In short, give it
to ber."
A week elapsed and the prized gar
ment did not return then another
week. The lady inquired about It.
"Yoa told me to giveit to ber!" ex
claimed Ilukla. "And she was very
much obliged."
The Necessary Thing.
"Here is a fine article teaching one
how to live."
"How to live?"
"Yes."
"Not Interested.'
"But you should be. Every one
should know how to live well."
"I know already bow to live welL
What I want is some one to teach
me a way to pay bills."
Refused.
"I have come to borrow."
"Good; anything you ask."
"I would like the use of your nerve."
"My nerve?"
"That's it."
"Can't accommodate you. You don't
need it."'
Spent.
"She married bim for his money.
"Well, sbe ought to be bappy, then,
for be has a lot of It."
"Yes. but now she's got It all and
wants to get rid of bim."
"Wants to buy a duke, eh?"
His Definition.
What Is leisure time?"
"Leisure time?"
"Yes. your leisure time."
"Any time that I can't be putting It
over the other fellow. I don't have
any."
Well Manicured.
"An Italan nobleman wauts to marry
ber."
"Has sbe accepted bis band?"
"Well, sbe regards it as a fine Italian
band."
Doubtful.
"Do you think you will every mar
ry?"
"I don't know. Nobody ever tried
to make me, so I can't tell."
Fine by Comparison.
No matter How much trouble
lias cluttered ap your lite.
No odd how great the burden.
How Miter is the strife.
Though full your cup of anguish.
While empty is your purse.
You have this consolation:
It always could be worse.
, When you have mumps and measles
Or any other kind
Of large, home crown diseases
j To agitate your mind.
The rheumattx to grip you
And get you on the hip,
' Be glad that In addition
Y.ou haven't sot the pip.
j: -
i The bank that holds your money
May tumble with a crush
And leave you stunned and guesslnjf
As to your dally hash.
A holdup man may meet you
And take your last lone cent.
Cheer up and thank the landlord,
Who hasn't raised your rent!
A railroad train may toss you
A block before you Hunt.
An auto may come whizzing'
And add its little mite.
k mule may stop to kick you.
A dog to chew your thumb.
But do not be discouraged
You mlRht have Inst your gum!
A Man of Iron Nerve.
Indomitablo will and tremendous en
ergy are never found where stomach,
liver, kidneys and bowels are out ol
crder. If you want these qualities snd
the success they bring, use Dr. KIng't
New Life Pills, the matchless regulat
ors, for keen brain and strong body.
Twenty-five cents at all druggist.