Newspaper Page Text
"OVER the border.
BILL NYE WRITES FROM CANADA
THAT HE IS INNOCENT.
0i, clothes Jut Fit a Custom House
0(Hcer-An Eiperlence with Kazors.
gmyli'S at Ho KeP by rP"
ICoprricbU IHC by EdRKr W. Nye.l .
Ls Canada Withoct a Ckimb. )
Once more I have evaded the customs
of a Belaboring country and the eti
quette of a mighty dominion. 1 have
never been the slave to the customs of
mv own country, why should 1 submit
to thoe of a province?
A CLKA.N SHAVE.
J have just rearranged my trunk and
tucked carefully back into it the thrill
ing narrative of a rich slumlxT robe
which fluttered in the Canadian breeze
nil the way from Windsor to London.
Custom house officers do not know how
to repack n trunk after they have
kneaded over its contents, and they shut
the lid wrong, so that it takes sis men
and a 1 K. Dederick derrick to open it
after one gets at his 'otel.
I carry with me a change of linen and
underclothing while traveling, and have
never before found a cust uus officer
who seemed to think tiiese things would
tit him So 1 have escaped. But this
time u was different. 1 saw right away
wtieu tins one looked at me that he was
just my size, though less intellectual,
lie tiail the same long, swanlike throat,
which looks so well in full dress with a
8. nil:; uf red coral beads around it. He
h.kt alwi the same boneless tentacles for
limbs that I am using, and his feet un
duhiteil a good deal.
1 am very ue.it about arranging my
trunk, and so he seemed to think many
of u:y t!::ng5 were new just because they
were tuty My method of packing a
trunk wis acquired at Heidelberg.
Waei: I want anything out of the trunk
1 u;'--: it on the bed and thus find it
'!:. (f!icer wanted to keep my dres3
r..: braiise it pleased him, 1 presume.
I', u a nice suit, made in Boston by a
lie wanted me to pay duty on a cigar
the I u.ul almost smoked np. He was
c m.- fj seize a dozen perfectos that Mr.
Bsrl.iiik had but when he found that
Mr Bu-riank had chewed each one a
little her.ru crossing the line he said:
All r.gnt. never mind. They are free."
One man ahead of me, 1 noticed,
evaded tne eye or the officer, and while
conversing with him looked 'out the
iftnd.iw Afterward I asked bim why
w did that.
Well." he said, "1 didn't mind look
nmi in the face, but 1 did not want
Mm to notice my breath. 1 am trying
'ogt it m free."
Ue wa. a fat man, and carried a mass
ive watch winch he had to remove be
'oro tie could get into the car, and-be
Drought it in in his hand.
1 carry seven razors with me, one of
rbita 1 use on each day of the week.
Inen I have t home special razors for
Uster. Whitsunday and Guy Fawkes
J-r The.- razors 1 bought at various
targaiu counters through the United
':s Some of them will cut a hair.
ilr .J-fterson says that the way to buy
nz.-,r is to get a twenty -five center in
lmVTI 'on visit toT a "ear. and out
tiie iwt you nlay get a g0Ki ono. He
that way, he says, instead of buy
"i? a f '.. razor every little while and
u ' g-tting one-tenth the chance to
Jraw a prize.
1 nave ,ioue that way, but 1 judge that
r J'-tk-run had preceded me and
the only good one there was in
L.ut spring 1 began to shave myself
cj'i.-e I g,,t tired of reading The Police
wizette while the neighbors dropped
into !HlJ t,ar!er shop to get their hair
ami g,.t shatnixxed and also their
t wn;,i;ers dyed, also because barbers
. ,':u referred to my baldness before
'" and made me feel hurt.
J I cved in the country, too, for two or
.is weeks in March, and the nearest
ur ,lr I kew of was a farm hand wuo
-shaved the prisoners for eight years
Jo. let. Ills. y0 my ijeurj grew out
i"i'e rauk and nodded iu the wind. It
j redder than 1 thought it was, and on
n side it grows upward, thus giving
rue a s
nrpnsed and startled air.
now 1 am shaving myself. I got a
'- razor in Chicago. It had a lovely
'.'e:. .aud 0Q the blade st siiid
REMEMBER ME. j
J 'jr a shaving mug 1 use a mustache
t P given jne in Paris by an elderly
Mich lady who said she did not need
she had two besides this one.
f.jr '"r ' 'Ii,Ve sbave(1 want to be quiet
J au hour or two and generally avoid
Pany, especially our pastor. But 1
' "proving all the tinie. I can
the"111 Iny.razor now without cutting
j ; lr"P n wo and sometimes my
'-- would almost seem to indicate a
"oMen suave. One strop lasts me a
week now. and my alum bill U a mere
The customs officer wanted these ra
zors and the mistache cup, which I val
ue.! because of its associations only. He
thought 1 was introducing them into
her majesty's dominion. He thought 1
was going to stirt a barber shop. "
1 presume thiit there is a sort of cut
throat appearance about me somehow
that makes people suspicious. Some
times 1 think it is because 1 dress too
much. It mat es people think 1 am a
London is a good city on the Canada
side. There a-e 80,000 people there.
They are excel ent people, too, remind
ing me very nit ch of Americans. Lon-
I don has a good hotel at the depot.
I We wrote qu te a lot of letters there
and posted then in American stamWd
rrtu. .. i .
envelopes, iucu we biuou around in
the cold and br bed the postman to give
them back to ns so that we could put
Canadian stamps on them, which are
three cents ap ece, making five cents
laid out on each of our letters.
The street cats in London run on run
ners in winter, and the track is aban
doned till the soft breath of spring
'comes again and kisses back to life and
light and song the still and frosty fea
tures and the ci Id, white bosom of the
j slumbering earth.
The Canadian Pacific has its latch
string hanging out for one and all. The
.passenger agent at London came to us
end wauted to sell tickets to our com
pany, consisting of Mr. Burbank and
myself. We sa d that other roads were
competing for us, and that we were
wavering So l e said that if we would
'travel by his riad to Detroit, a ride of
j over three hours,, he would transfer us
j there to the M chigau Central, pay our
Hotel Dins while in Canada, furnish us a
year's subscription to London Punch,
with key to same, and a pair of beauti
ful pictures ly Rembrandt entitled
"Wide Awake" and "Fast Asleep."
We accepted and now 1 will get
I'nnch -regularly at mv home. The
j humor of Puncr is very soothing to me.
Compared with the peppery wit of the
' ftT.nnl, i i . I . 1. ...... 1 ..... : I
. luvii ami luc iiir,ivuuu, surprising UI1U
stimulating humor of our own country,
English humor reminds me of boiled
rice. Boiled rice taken in moderation
isn't going to hurt any man. It fur
nishes an excuse- for the gestures of eat
ing and ronnds out the abdomen to a
I degree to seve -al degrees, in fact yet
i umi not exciu one.
It is so with English humor. 1 have
known men to apply themselves to Eng-
i lish humor for several years and thin
out their blood that way so that they
prolonged their lives for a long time.
A Canadian y esterday spoke to me of
John Gull's drink bill, and showed me a
I little chart, which 1 give herewith, show
; ing the comparative sizes of the bills in
j England for liquor, bread, milk, tea,
: coffee, cocoa and education. He said it
' was creating a great deal of discussion
among the polit cians.
THE LITTLE CHART.
Tes, 1 said, I had heard that they
were at lager heeds.
Being under the Critish flag seems to
affect my mind, 1 think.
A week ago wo stopjied for a night at
the Banting House, after a long, hard
ride in the palatial slumbering car In1
somnia. The Bf Jiting House is kept by
one of those jk pular men who are not
good for anythirg on earth but just to
be popular. Wlien we came in he wel
comed us by CJ tending a breath to us
across the register upon which we hung
our overcoats with impunity. At first 1
did not know wiy he drank, but after 1
had been at tablo 1 saw that anaesthetics
of some kind she uld go with every steak.
Everything ws-s neat and clean at the
Banting House. The pale, sad wife did
the best she could, but Banting himself
did the buying and that's why the
steaks didn't yie.d to climatic influences.
You have seen the sad eyed wife of a
popular man, to doubt a man who
could have manied anybody; he took
her "because it would have killed her if
he hadn't;" a man with curly hair and
a mustache whi:h he pieces out with
chin whiskers. He is so popular that he
has himself phot Jgraphed in the panoply
of some secret order every time he gets
to feeling pretty welL But his wife
wears the same fh.iwl that the last three
babies have slept in. He is so popular
that people take advantage of his good
nature and lead aim astray and get him
to drinking That's what he tells his
He is just 6bnply a great big, soft,
self indulgent, impalpable ass. That's
what he is, and his house, everywhere
that he has anyt'iing to do with it, shows
stinginess, negled and incompetency.
He wore a wcoden leg, did Mr. Bant
ing. He permit! ed me to think he lost
it in the war at txst. Then he went on
to speak more fully of his great loss. I
was told afterw ird that he lost it in de
fense of his hoiior, such as it was. He
was stopping, it seems, over night at the
house of a mar who was uot at home
himself; just only his wife, that's alL
In the night his involuntary host came
home, aud think ng it was going to be a
little crowded there shot three-quarters
of a pound of buckshot and some old
shingle nails into Mr. Banting's leg as
he vas getting out the window a win
HUB : ABCFUS MOKDAT, FKliUUAltY 22,
dow that gave upon the welL When
Mr. Banting was drawn out of the well
by a reporter who could draw a man
out better than anybody else,' it was
claimed, the doctor told Banting that he
would have to contribute that leg to his
mashing record and the bill would be
eighty dollars for same.
Mr. Banting did not tell me about
this, but neighbors did so. Mr. Bant
ing, however, was a little sentimental
the morning 1 saw him. He spoke ten
derly of his lost leg as we sat together,
and ever and anon he tapped the wooden
one with the blade of a large pocket
knife with which he had just been re
moving one of his indestructible steaks
from between his teeth. Then he took
from his pocket a piece of bone which
had been carried for years in the same
pocket with his tobacco. He looked at
"That," he said, "come off of the knee
pan. It is as good as ever it was. It is
the lid of the kneepan."
Then he looked ont through the win
dow as well as he could and went on:
"1 lost my mother next March is a
year. She always appreciated me. My
wife never has. I could have married
my pit-kid the girls of onr place, but 1
took Laura because she was purty then.
She was one of them girls that fade aw
ful quick, and besides she don't appre
ciate me nor how poplar I am." Then
"Yesterday," he went on, "I made a
solemn journey a mighty solemn jour
ney." "To your mother's grave, do you
"Where is it?"
"It is over at East Haddock, about
eighteen miles from here. It may be
jest a sentiment with me, for I'm of a
sensitive and refined nature naturally;
but 1 made a pilgrimage over there yes
terday, cold as it was."
He paused aud rubbed his nose hard
with a big red handkerchief, and his
voice choked up a little.
"les, l took up my leg that was
buried here at the time aud" a slight
quiver of the chin "and buried it over
at East Haddock alongside of mother."
Dr. Miles' Nervine not only cures nil
nervous diseases, tiesd che, blues, ner
vou prosiralion. s'ei Die-snefs. nruiH'piR
St. Vitus dance, fits bnd hysierin, but s'si
builds UD the bod V. ' I am nl. nc. d m
8v that after years of intense suffering
with nervous disease, bCKUHehe and pros
tratiou, I tried Dr. V. lies' Rcatorntivt
-ervine, mid in iwn weeks gained eight
pounds in weiutit. I could not lip down
to sleep, bu- now s!e p perfectly easy,
and htn slid improving woiiderfullv.
Cnnnot sv enough for the nervine
Mls L B. JiiLLARn. Dunkirk, N. Y."
'Oue customer used Iseivine and giined
fifteen pounds in fleb. Frown & Mav-
nrux, Cortland, N Y" " T rml hottks find
elegant book free at Har z & Bahnsen's
For Uver Fifty Tsars
Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup has
been used by millions of mothers for
their children while teething. If dis
burbed at nigh, and t-roken of your res
by a sick child suffering and crying ith
pain of cutting teeth send ai. once and get
a bottle o? "Mrs. Wii.slow's Soothing
isyrup lor children tee tiling. It will re
lieve the poor little sufferer imruediatelv
Depend upon it. mothers, thereia no mis
take about it. Ii cures diarrhoea, regu
lates the stomach and bowels, cures wind
colic softens thp gums, reduces itiflumma
tion and gives tone nnd energy to the
whole system, "Mrs Winslow's Soothing
Syrup" for children teething is pleasant
to the taste and is the prescription of one
of the oldes and best female physicians
and nurses in the Lotted States. Soldbv
all druggists throughout the world. Price
twenty-five cents a bottle. Be sure and
ask for "Mrs. W nslow's Soothing Syrup
I was for some time troubled with an ob
stinate Hash or Humor that spread over
MY FACE AND BREAST.
I consulted physicians, and used many
remedies without a cure. At the sugges
tion of a friend I used Swift's Specific,
which completely cured me. This was
two years ago, aud I have had no return of
the trouble. E. II. Wells, Cftesterjuld, Va.
Is the safest and best remedy for all trou
bles of the Blood aud Skiu. It cures by
removing the cause, and at the same time
builds up the geueral health- .
Send for our Treatise, nailed free.
SWIFT SFECIFIC CO., Atlanta, Ga.
IK. ST. AIIMAD'S
Is the Safest and Surest Kemedy ever discovered
for all the unnatural discharges and I'kivatb
Diseases of II kn and Uie debilitating weakness
peculiar to woiuen. It has never failed to cure
the most obstinate case, in men, in from S to 6
days. (Nothing that makes quicker claims is
safe.) It is convenient to carry and handy to
nse no bottle or spoon to annoy yon. Remem
ber, we guarantee it. Price 1.00 per box. Com
plete instructions with each box. If tbedrug
Kiat you ask for Dr. St. Annaod's French Cure
has not got it, don't let bim fool you with bis
oily tongue by selling you something else in
stead, bat send price to us and we will forward
to you by mail, in plain, unmarked box. We
also treat pationts by mail. Address THE
HAZZAKAK MKDICINR CO., 2sO South bao
eamon Street, Chicago, 111.
i 4" M HI ISM
Impart.- . t-1 iiutit rant.rn y u cii skia. R
nw piititfjfio, tr.-i'e Attn UiPvolcnitMiUsV For
.ay fotroa en.
4e t GEO. P.
Butun (10 6pruoe
( treet). vim advar
t liar xrotrpctt may
TEcEJ2RJ?'?.. J "EL BRIGHT AND
mi vumrLEAlun is BETTER,
,rJi!c,nTmyJ ctB, n stomach, Uver
and kdneya. andlsa pleaunt laxative. This drink
Is male from herbs, aud Is prepared for use as easily
wa. It ts called
All (Irainrlsts sell Hat 9CK. and t1.no per package.
L u"ry. ech d"v" In orJl'r to bealthy, this
i cr worses, cattle, Sheep, logs. Eers,
500 Page Book on Treatment ef Animals
aud Chan rM-ni Free.
A.A. Spinal Me ninciliH, Milk Fever.
K.H.x rains. I.amt ni'xx. KbcuinHtinm.
i.-. ""emper, Nnnl liM-harvc-s.
If.l). H.it a or Ursb, War bin.
K.K ouvhw, llcavps, Pneumonia.
F.. Colic or tiripen, liellyarbp.
lvV" M '"carriage, IlemorrhaKen.
11.11. I rinnry and Kidney lliwaaen,
Ernplive DiHeRHe, itlanBre.
J.K. Diseases of IHk'i-slion, Paralysis.
Single Bottle (over 50 doses), - - .go
Stable Crhp, with Speclflos, MsnnaL
c tTlnary Cure Oil anil Medicaior, $7.00
Jar eteriuary Core Oil, - . 1.00
Sold by Drngnists; or Snt Prepaid anywhere
and in aiiy quantity on Receipt oi Price.
HUMPHREYS' MEDICIIJE CO,
Corner William and John Sts., New York.
lifSlls a TrrmrpnTJ s Turn
lu m au years. The only imccesftfal remedy for
Neryoiss Debility, Vital Weakness,
nd l'rostration, trom over-work or other cansea.
1 pr viol, or 5 vmls and !rco vial powder, rr.r 5.
Solo by Ii:rn;i-"rs, .rwnt pnatnaid nn rocdipt
of price.- HUVPHRIYS' MEDICINE CO.,
Cor. WUi.'am and John Sts., K. Y-
The Rock Island
Is the best medium throueh
which to reach the country trade.
Advertisers should have their
annouricements ready by Thurs
day morning to insure insertion
ia the current week's issue.
G. . WISWALL & GO.,
Chicago's Fteesf h& Stcre.
Stock the Lcr-Ks!. ?
GoGils thG Finest. "
Prices tiie Lowest.
ttzn'z and L&ihs
Hand Se?;sd W&ii Shces.
Send for Catalograo.
C. E. WISWALL & CO., 160 Slate S!., Chicago
-ALL KINDS OF-
Cast lion Work
done. A specialty of famishing al. kinds
of Stores with Castings at 8 eenta
A MACHINE SHOP
bas been added where all kinds of machine
work will be don first-class.
NINTH ST. AND 7th AVE.
DOWNING BROS.. Propts.
tor sale by all flnt-daa Grocery dealer.
r tlOf . mmUrmtr Mrnltu. mjil. l.io S5' mt Cacw
t!aw JJ J iU--.
KK.FmmyKk Go, Chicago.
A5K YOUR GROCER FOR IT
J. B. ZIMMER,
ERCHANT I AILOE,
Will sell for the next 30 days all his overcoatings at 15
pr cent less than the regular prices.
Stab Block, Opposite Hakpkr House.
B. F. THOMAS & CO.,
Elm Street Meat Marke
AU kinds of Fresh and Salt Meats always on hind Game,
Fish and Oysters In the sea on.
Rkynolds' Block. Molihe Ave., FOOT OF ELM ST.
Telephone 1098. 231 Twentieth street.
SEIYESS & ANDERSON,
CONTRACTORS and BUILDERS.
All Kinds .ot Carpenter Work Done.
General Jobbing done on thort notice and satisfaction fcroarante-. d.
Office and Shoo 1412 Fourth Avenue, ROCK ISLAND.
Billiard Parlor Sample Room,
No. 117 Eighteenth Street.
JAMES T. C'CONNOR. i Proprietors. WM. H. CATTON.
J. Ma CHRISTY,
C. J. W. SCHREINEB,
Contractor arid Builder,
1121 and 1123 Fourth avesne. Residence 1119 Foarth avenue.
Flans and specifications fomiched on sll classts of work : also spent cf WfJler't Patent Int'oe
(sliding Blinds, tomethiLa new, f lyiith and desirable.
wrwnr rat t. TT,t.
Ontans in either rei
aiuroaa u .ci t
For sale in Rock island by Hartz &
kiVV , tH-n and lm.nlty. l'ut npumvciheiilti carry In Tet pirkru 1 urrwet.
i.y mai': o f..r W it h wry , ..rrtt-r we cin, a mtCi-h ir..,.t.V tZTxtn
m. l'u. ur rejun.1 Int muiuy. Orvuiar tree. aareas Acrre lt ., tulcoio. 111.
THE POSITIVE CURE. I
(ELY EHOTHERa. 6 Warren
Q)avenport Business College,
COMPLETE IN ALli DEPARTMENTS.
FOB CATALOGUES ADDEESS -
J. C. DUNCAN. Davenport.!
I am laden vitb Freight
vFrorrt Iteofolden gate.
XTo lands across th
I cacrrv sweet ho&e
As a c&riro
ctcras can be.
KASUFACTUREB Of CRACKERS 1X0 BISCUITS.
Apfc Yonr Ororcr for Them.
They are Best.
The Chrictj "Otstkr" atd Christy "Win."
FALL AND WINTER STOCK
of Goods received br
ESTCaLl and Examine.
" NnrvA Suuia "
the Vffnderful remelv
tea snurauU-e u, etire all nr.us difeaes. nuh as Weak lm..ry.
L.k1 Hniiii l'.,w,r. IW-aUartie. Wnkefutn.n.. Lo.t Manhood. Klvhtlv KmlV
mm. NernneM. Latitude. ullOnuni, and Itnuof D.ri.f tt. i,vi.r.i..
cauw l by.ver exertion, joutf.ful erm'.wriwMira
Bahnsen. 3d Atb. and 20th street
BU New York. Prio60eta.a
mi. bir.TfM. 0n.n.r.sATgif.MiiSBMU.B.