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THE JOKER'S COIINEK.
WITTY SALLIES TURNED OUT BY
Mr. Jiggs Knew Worse Trials Than
Stretching the Truth Misfortune,
Not Affliction Another Peace Con
ference of Considerable Importance.
Putting a Good Face On It.
Young William Makepeace Thack
eray had broken his nose by jamming
it carelessly against another boy's
"Well." he said, as he looked at him
self in the mirror, "I'd rather have a
nose of that kind that one like .1.
At. a subsequent period, however,
he avenged himself by nmking faces
at the entire aggregation of English
Mrs. Hubble "Oh. .lames, that
young De Gaul has eloped with our
Mr. Bubble Well, let 'em go. He
can have her."
Mrs. Hubble "They went In your
.automobile and "
Mr. Hubble "Groat Scott! Why
didn't you say so at first. Telephone
to the police at once."
Wouldn't Stand for It.
"lleerd there wuz a big splii-up in
Ebenezer church last Sunday."
" Wlui t wuz the troubk'?"
"Preacher said somepin' ag'in to
backer an' Grandma Pankis, Betsy
Haskell, Aunt Prudy Willlnms an'
Granny Stubbs took their pipes an'
went over to the other church." De
The Young Philosopher.
" 'Nother Piece of pie. please pa."
"But. you haven't finished your firs?
"No, pa. But you know you told me
not to eat. fast. And if you give me a
-.ocond piece now I shan't eat so fas',
because I won't be afraid that the sec
ond piece will be gone when I get
ihrough with the first piece. Please,
Papa Made the Roof.
Little Pauline, after quest ioning hor
aunt as to who had made their hou.';
and being informed that Jim Welch
had done so. replied:
"Why. auntie, Go:l made our lion -
God made our front room and our hall
and our kitchie, but papa made tin
roof." (Her father is a tinner).
Magazine of Fun.
Higgs There are times when a
man has to lie to 1i1h wife.
Jiggs--And worse than t lint, there
are times when ho has to tell tho
"I make a business of knowing
"Yos, and you try to know a lot of
things that arc none of your business
The Cause of His Going.
"Wow!" growled tho old man, re
turning to the bedroom, "I stubbed my
"Well," replied his wife, "that's
what you not for going down stairs hi
your slocking feet."
"That's so. If I hadn't gone down
In my stocking feet that young man of
Edith's might have heard me and got
away before I reached hltn."
Accident on Uganda Railroad.
The following Is an oflloial ropor'
sent to his superior by the station
master at Nimba, on the Uganda rail
"To station Nairobi, from station
Venani. From station master, fluard
No. 2 reports struck giraffe at mile
1.")S. No damage to permanent way or
train. Driver slates giraffe ran of
A Man of His Word.
"I've been trying that physician you
reeommonded so highly to me."
"Ah! And you found him all that 1
said reliable in every respect, eh?"
"Well, he assured me ho would put
me on my feet inside of two months."
"And did he do it?"
"That's what he did. I've just sold
my automobile in order to pay his
The Dealer Was Wise.
Purchaser When you sold mo this
horse you said he was without faults.
Now 1 llnd he's lame.
Horse Dealer Well, lameness ain't
a fault it's an allliction..
"So you ran across dat milllonair.'s
when he was goin' down de road?"
said Meandering Mike.
"Yes." answered Plodding Pete.
"No. We jos' exchanged thoughts
I wishln' 1 had his money an' he was
wlshin' he had my appetite."
Another Peace Conference.
The Rich Father "So you want to
marry my daughter, young man?"
The Young Man "That's the idea,
"Well, I consent. That's settled."
"Yes. sir; now we will consider the
proposition for a concession of lands
and a money indemnity."
Worse and More of It.
"Gee, but I'm unlucky."
"What's the trouble?"
".My wife drove me out of the house
with a club and 1 don't dare to go
"And now she's suing me for deser
tion!" More Training.
"Do you think that actors get tho
training now that they once had?"
"Yes," answered Mr. Stonlngtor.
Barnes, "I am happy to say that they
get more training. I can remember
the time whey my company would
travel for miles without .seeing the in
side of a train."
Avoiding a Greater Expense.
Giffle Jiggins must think a good
bit of his wife.
SpinkH Why So?
Giffle He gives her an allowance
of $20 a week.
Spinks Oh. ho's foxy. Ho knows she
could got nt least $50 alimony.
TOFtPEDO UOAT FOR COMMERCE.
She Will Carry Fresh Herrln-g to
Ports on Puget Sound.
The English torpedo boat Albatross,
which was offered for sale by the au
thorities when the navy depot at Ea
(luimault, 1J. ('., was abandoned, has
been secured by the i'anaimo fisher
ies company of Nnnaimo, 15. C, with
the object of running fresh herring to
The boat Is a very fast craft . She
was built some thirty years ago for
the Chilian government, and saw serv
ice In several South American Imbrog
lios. Kitted with triple-expansion corn
round engines, air pumps and water
tight compartments, the vessel can be
driven at a high rate of speed through
or under the water, as opportunity of
fers in any weather.
Her length over all is 100 foot, with
but nine-foot beam, and her appear
ance lying squat on the water much
more resembles a llsh than a fish car
rier. Fishing Gazette.
ARM OF THE LAW SUSPENDED
Quaint Old Custom Still Prevails Ir
Citizens of the old Devonshire
(Fug.) town of Honiton are immune
from arrest until sunset one evening
for while the horse fair is in progress
the arm of the law is powerless. This
is in continuation of a quaint and )c
utiesque ceremonial which has been
J handed down from the time of Henry
ill. When the horse fair begins the
town eiier, in the gorgeous dress of a
i beadle of the last century, appears,
carrying a pole, at the end or which is
I a large gill glove, decked with llowers.
j Having rung his handbell three times,
j the crier, in his three-cornered hat.
i announces, "Oyoz, oyoz. oyoz! The
j fair is begun; the glove is up; no man
can be arrested till the glove is down.
God save the king. Each sentenced
is rhornsed by the children standing
round, and at the conclusion they
scramble for nuts. The glove is taken
down at sunset.
World's Smallest Graveyard.
What Is said to be the smallest
graveyard in the world may bo seen at
Galashiels, England. For over a hun
dred years no internments have taken
place, and the graveyard may now be
A Neglected Corner In Galashieia.
utylod "no man's land," and a recep
tacle for rubbish.
The burial place measures 22 ft. :
M ft. and is surrounded by walls. Of
the two tombstones which have sur
vived neglect and abuse, one may bis
;ioon on our picture, blocking up th.s
entrance and the other a large fiat
one may be observed In the center
of the graveyard.
Immense Loaf of Bread.
Probably the largest loaf of broad
ever baked has been on exhibition at
tho Minnesota state fair. It was four
toon foot long, two and a half foot
through, ld weighed 300 pounds.
OATS OON8ULT THE CALENDAR.
At Least There Is Proof They Know
the Days of the Week.
Down aloni? the wharves in New
York tho cat. is not a pet, but a busi
ness investment, an insurance policy
against the river rats. Yet, wild as
some of these animals nro, there is
one man whom they regard with ap
proval. That Is the cats' meat man.
"I don't know all of them," ho says.
"No man could; and besides there are
changes all tho time. But If I don't
know them, they all know mo, every
cat of them. And they're wise; cats
are as wise as nny beast that lives,
every cat on tho block runs to meet,
me, but they are always on their
good behavior. Now, hero's a place
where I leave meat for six cats. They
follow me when 1 give it to tho por
ter. They are tho cats that belong
here, and all the rest of the cats
are waiting peaceably for mo to come
out. Now, see those four cats run
ahead and Into tho next place; they're
tho cats that belong there, and they
line up to moot me.
"But that is a small part of the
wisdom of these cats. Five mornings
'n tho week I got around my beat be
tween 7 and 8 o'clock, but on Satur
days I am always late, and never
reach tho block before 9. Well, on
Saturday morning the cacs know thai
I'm late and they don't put their heads
outside the doors until it lacks only a
little of 9. You see there are calendars
hanging up in every office to tell the
day of tho week, and clocks, too, and
there's nothing to hinder the cats
from consulting them. If they don't
find out that way, how do they know
when it's 9 o'clock Saturday morn
ing?" Golden Days.
HUNQ 200 FEET FROM EARTH.
Moments of Agonized Suspense for
Pittsburg Window Cleaner.
Hiram Johnson, a colored window
cleaner at tho Frick building, hung
suspendo I hv a single strap 200 feet
above ihv street for half an hour re
cently, ar-ys a Pittsburg dispatch. lie
was cleaning a window from the out
side of the twelfth story. Ho had the
regulation harness strapped about him
to keep him from falling. Ho was
leaning backward, cleaning the upper
pane, and bearing considerable weight
upon the strap. Ono of the hooks
which fastened tho strap to the build
tag gave way. and in a moment the
man was dangling in midair.
As his entire weight was hold by
tho strap atul t ho one remaining hook
Id tho side or tho building ho realized
tlPit this uncertain support, might give
wfty at ni. "niomenr. The man yelled
lur'tlly for Jielp, for he had swung
clear of thr window and could not
reach tho sill again. His cries were
hor-rd by tho men in tho ofTice as well
as by tho proplo on tho street below.
Tht in on in tho office rescued him
fio.tt his yiorilous position.
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