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To say that Judge Cannon was
dumb-founded would be putting it
entirely too tamely. Ile was a
whole dumb asylum.
As soon as his bewildered men
tal faculties could rally a little he
'Ben Fitch has been tellling you
some infernal lie on us, and I'll
fine him $50 for c ontempt of court
if he does'nt take it back at once.'
'Col. Fitch is a gentleman, sir,
and don't tell lies on nobody,'
hotly retorted the old lady, while
'Col. Fitch' had ignominiously re
tired behind a group of lawyers
out of range of the fiery glances of
the indignant Judge.
Everybody present except Can
non, Jonas and the irate landlady
were now writhing in the convul
sion of laughter.
'Do you dare stand here and tell
me and these gentlemen' (with
Small cap. emphasis on 'gentle
men') 'that this thing here is a
man? Hey?' screamed the angry
hostess, livid with Iage, and still
shiaking her long finger of concen
trated scorn at the pale and tremb
ling Jonas. She then made a
bound forward, like a cat pouveing
upon a crouching rabbit, and seiz
ing his glossy silk hat and pointing
the same scornful finger to the in
nocent little tucking comb, ex
'Look at that, gentlemen. and
tell me what ought to he dlone with
a deestrick judge who would have
sech an ugly old female s, areerow
as she around the circuit with hin.
an' then have the insurance to try
to pass her off for a main, an' in a1
Velapcctable hotel at that! I t's a
reg'lar outrage on society, a'
say they both had ought to be tarr
ed and feathered, anT' Ihoen rid on
a rail out of this here town.'
Th~1e hilarious lawyvers then andl
there assemibled (did not ride 'th'
gulilty parties' on a rail, but soe
body paid for seve al gallons of
good, pure, old-ti me fiutid extract
of rye on that memorable night.
Mrs. Carolina white, of Laurens
County, who is fifty y'ears old, re(
PEno ty elop~ed wVith John RIoge.~rs.
we ho is only twent y-on.e, an~d the
'ou ple we're married at Eastman.
-Physicians ters ust; that it i,~
unhealthyi3 to' it t ii '.our heels
'higher than) your hca' I Peopi.- who
have f'ormned the habit of sitting
dIown on the icy pavem'uit in thi.r.
position shoul d profit by3 the ini 'or
--Journalist are nobhle meu ; t);ey
alwava~ gr in for the writ.
WHERE THE OLD MAIDS COME
IN.-'Do you know, sir,' inquired
an American tourist of his compan
ion, while doing Fugland, 'can you
inform me the reason for the fresh,
healthful appeatrance of the Eng
lish people? Their complexion
is far superior to ours or our coun
trymen over the herring-pond.'
'Well, I know what Prof. Hux
'Anl what reason does lie ad
'Well, Huxley says it is all ow
ing to the old maids.'
'Owing to old mrids! You sur
'Fact. Huxley figures it out
this way. Now. You know the Eng
lish are very fond of roast beef.'
'But what has that to (1o witir
old maids !'
'Go slow. Th is genuine English
beef is the best and muiost nutritiou s
beef in the wvorbl, and it iinparts a
'Well, about', the obl Ilids?'
'Yes. you see the excellence of
this English beef is due exclusively
to red clover. )o yu see the
'All but the Ol maids. They
are still hovering in the shadows.'
'Why, (lon't you see ! This red
clover is enriched, sweetened and
fructiflied by buml de-hees.
'But where do the Old! maids
come in ?' said the iiiquistive Amer
ican, wiping hilS brow wearily.
'Vhy, it is as plain as the nose
on you r face. Tle only enem) of
the hu)mble-hee is the field-mouse.
'But what have roast beef, red
clover bumble-bees anid fiel-mice
got to (10 With old Imaids?'
'Why, you mnu1ist be very obtuse.
D~on't you perceive that the bum-.
b)le-hees woul soon become exter
iinat ed by the Iield-mnice if it were
'Old maids ?'
'No, if it were n-4t for eats, and'
the 01(1 maids of Oh! Englatnd keep
the country thoroughly stockedl up
with cats, and so we c'an dlirectly
trace the effects of thme rosy English
complex ions to the benaign cause of
English old maids ;at least, that's
just whereC the old lmaidls come in.
Sciiee makes clear many my'ste
r i'ous thing.
S -' Why dlon't yugtup as ear
ly as you uisedl to aL few days ago?'
angrily askeud a w'fe of her lazy
husnbandu. 'le,-aluse, my (lear, it's
sleep year,' he grinned, as he tur
ed ove for another snooze.
Y'mur faiher is entirely bald
nAow, isn't he ?, said an A ustin man
to the son of a inillioniaire. 'Yes,'
rep~lied the youth, adly, 'i'm the!
onliy heir he has left.'
-A deaf old fellow, charged
with stealing a hog, was arraigned
before a oourt. The jury without
leaving the box returned a verdict
of guilty. 'Old man,' said his law
yer, 'the jury says you are guilty.'
MIay ?' 'The jury says you are
guilty,' shouting in his ear. 'In
wN:hat degree?' 'Them e are no de
grees in a stealinY case.' 'llay?'
'iThere are no degrees.' 'Guilty
all over, am I?' 'Yes.' 'Hay ?'
'Yes,' yelling at the top of his
voice. 'Well, that's what I told
you at first, but you said you could
clear n e. Wish now that I had
got the judge to difend me. Will
get him next tiie.'-Arkansaw
The power of love can transport
a five-pound box of caraiels twen
ty-five blocks before marriage, but
after that it breaks down under as
little as a gum drop.
-I)octor--iThere, get that pre
scription filled and take a table
spooiful three times a daiy before
meals.' Pauper Patient---'But
docto' I don't get but one meal in
Probably the mnanest thing
that a man ever said was uttered
by Fogg to-day. Being asked his
idea of the best renedy for poly
gamy, lie promptly replied: .'Mrs
--Upon the death of one dear to
us we filnd consolation in the belief
that the pain (if our loss will nev
-Wilkie Collii's iiew story is
called bi Say No.' Somebody must
have been tryin2 to borrow a five
pound note of Wilkie.
---Mr. Sissenmdorf always trem
bles when his wife sings in church,
with pray erful earnestness: 'Oh
for a thousand tongues !'
First Sessi-mf for' 1884,
will begin Janu ary 14th,
and continue Six School
Primary Dep'm'nt, per month, $1.50
lntermediate " "2.00
'elect Conrse, " " 2.50
Inscident al Fee, per Session, 50
Music ext ra.
Board in, private families, per
Eaceh sch'lar's pro rata~ of Plic
Fundsiz wvill be dleductedI from his TI'ui
Iilon (during the P'ublic Term, which
begins .January 1..
W For Par'ticula1rS. addres
C. W. MOORE, Principal,
Easley, S. C.
jan 4, 1884-3m
-.ubscribe for' Tnij MumanonuI
THE NEW HOME
THE MOST POPUIJAt
-we 0 190^L.Pm
IHTiUNNINQ ' .e
"As 0o ALWAYS
EQUL N ORDE
47\ L F'ETI MB E
30 UNION SQ. NEW YORK
0 9RANGE MAS S.
J. T. ARNIOLD,
EAEr., s. 04.,
For the C'ouanIes of' Pi eume,
Oconee an(d part o1 Anderson-e
WEil futrnish Needles
for all MFiachies, andl
all kinds of Sewing
Mach in e Supplies.
1 wilt atlso Repair
Machines. Any, work
left at the store of Hud
gen fs & Hludgens will
receive promipt atten
A supply of/
ANeecdies a n d
OIl wV II be
founcZ at the