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TRI-WEFKLY EDITION. WINNSBORO, S. C., MARCH 16,1895.
REV. DR TAIM .R
THE BROOKLYN DIVINE*S SUY'
Subject: "The Glorious Gospel."
Tzr. "According to the glorious gospel
of the blessed God. which was committed to
my trust."-I Timothy L., 11.
The greatest novelty of our time is the gos
peL It is so old that It is new. As potters
and artists are now attempting to fasbion
pi+ahers and cups an:1 ourious ware like
those of 1900 years ago recently brought up
from buried Pompeii, and such cups and
ptchers and curious ware are universally
admired, so anyone who can unshovel the
real gospel from the mountains of stuff un
der which it has been buried will be able to
present something tha. will attract the gaze
and admiration and idoption of all the peo
ple. It is amazing -what substitutes have
been presented for what my text calls "the
glorious gospel." There has been a hemi
There are many people in this and all other
large assemblages whc. have no more idea of
what the gosp realy is than they have of
what is contained in the fourteenth chapter
of Zend-Avesta, the Bible of the Hindoo, the
firt copy of which I ever saw I purchased in
Oalcutta last September. The old gospel
Ls fifty feet udwr aid the work has been
done by theshovels o. those who have been
trying to contrive the philosophy of religion.
There is no philosophy about It. It is a plain
matter of Bible sAtement and of childlike
faith! Same of the theological seminaries
have been botbeds of infidelity because they
have tried to teach the "philosophy of reli
gion." By the time that many a young
theological student gets half through his
e ry course he is so filled with
ts about plenary inspection. and
the iinity of Christ, and the questions
of eternal destiny, that he is more fit
for the lowest bench in the Infant class
of a Sunday-school than to become a teacher
and leader of the people. The ablest theo
logical professor Is a Christian mother, who
out other own experience can tell the four
year-old how beautiful Christ was on earth
and how beautiful He now is In heaven, and
how dearly He loves little folks, and then she
kneels down and puts one arm around the
boy, and with her somiwhat faded cheek
against the roseate cheek of the little one
conseerstes him for time and eternity to Him
who said, "Suffer them to come unto Me0"
What an awful work Paul made with the D.
D.'s. and the LL.D.'s, and the F. R. Si's
when he cleared the decks of the old gospel
ship by saying, "Not many wise men, not
many noble, are called, but God hath chosen
the weak thing of the world to confound the
There sits the dear old theologian with h's
tablepiled up with all the great books on in
spimoon and exegesis and apologetics for
the Almighty and writing out hIs own elab
orate work on the philosophy of religion, and
his little grandchild coming un to him for a
good night kiss he accidentally knocks o0i
the biggest book from the table, and it faUs
on the head of the child, of whom Christ Him
self said, "Oat of the mouths of babes and
sucklings thou hast perfected praise." Ah,
my friends, the Bible wants no apologetics.
Tae throne of the last judgment wants no
apologetics. Eternity wants no apologe "s.
Scientists may tell us that natural light is
the "propagation of undulationsin an elastic
medium, and thus set in vibratory motion by
the action of luminous bodies." ~but
-uuj.-f~5-w~blndeye ythe touch
of the Divine Spirit have opened to
see the noonday of pardon and peace. Scien
tists may tell us that natural sound Is "the
effect o1 an impression made' on the organs
of hearing by an impulse of the air, caused
by a collision of bodies, or by other means,"
but those only know what the gospel sound
is who have heard the voice of Christ direct
ly, saying: "Thy sins are forgiven thee.
Go in ace." The theological dude unrolls
upon e plush of the exquisitely carved pul
pit a learned discourse showing that the
- garden of Eden was an allegory, and Solo
mon's .ong a rather indelicate love ditty,
and the book of Job a dcana in which satan
was C'e star actor, and that Rena was three
quarters right about miracles of yesus, and
that the Bible was gradually evoluted and
the best thought of the different ages, Moses
and David and Paul doing the best they
could under the circamstances, and therefore
to be -encouraged. *-Lord of heaven and
earth, get us out of the London fog of higher
The night is dark, and the way is rough,
and we have a hatern which God has put-im
our hande, but instead of employing that
lantern to show ourselves and others the
right way we are discussing lanterns, their
shape their size, their material, and which is
the btter light-erosene, lamp oil or can
dle-and while we discuss it we stand all
around the lantern, so that we shut out the
light from the multitudes who are stumblings
on the dark mountains of sin and death.
Twelve hundred dead birds were found one
morning around Bart'ioldi's statue in New
York Harbor. They had dashed their liue
out against the lighthouse the night before.
B Poor things ! And the great lighthouse of
the gospel--how many high soaring thinkers
have beaten all their religious life out
p against it, while it was intended for only one
thing and that to show all Nations the way
lato the harbor of Gbd's mercy an to the
crystalline wharves of the heavenly city,
where the immortals are waiting for new
arrivals. Dead skylarks, when they might
have been flying seraphs..
Here also come', covering up the, old gos
pel, some who think they can by law and ex
of crimes save the world, and from
ortland, Me., across to San Francisco, and
base agmain to New Orleans and Savannah,
teeivebuines.Worldly reform by all
mean butunlss i bealso gospel reform
it il'beded filre.InNew York its chief
wor ha ben t gie u achange of bosses.
We ad Deoctai bosand now it is to
peaR ubia osbut the quarrel is,
Who shal be the Repuf~licn Poic wl
save the cities the same day that satan evan
-The ' rous gospel of the blesse d God as
mnoken of in my text will have more drawing
powar' and when that gospel gets full swing
it will have a momentum and a power
mightier than that of the Atlantie Ocean
when under the force of the September equi
nox It strikes the Highlands of the Navesink.
E'he maningE of the word "gospel" is "good
news," and my text says It is glorious good
news, and we must tell it in our churches,
and-over our dry goods counters, and in our
tetories. and over our threshing machines,
and behind our plows, and on our ships'
liecks, and in our parlors, our nurseries and
Witchens,asthoughit were glorious good news,
and not with a dismal drawl In our voice,
and a dismal look on our faces, as though re
ligion was a rheumatic twinge, or a dyspep
tie pang, or a malarial chill, or an attack of
nervous prostration. With nine "blesseds"
or "bappiys," Christ began His sermon on
the mount-blessed the poor; blessed the
mourner; blessed the meek; blessed the hun
~; blessed the merciful; blessed the pure;
1se the peacemakers; blessed the perse
outed; blessed the reviled; blessed, blessed,
blessed; happy, happy, ,happy. Glorious
g~dnews for the young as through Christ
thymay have their coming years ennobled,
adfor a lifetime all tbe angels of God their
ooadjutors, and all the armies of heaven
their allies. Glorious. good news for the
mtdio agedi as througnl Christ they may
have their perplexities disentanlgled,and their
courage rallie:d, and their victory over all
obstacles and hindrances made forever sure.
Glorious good news for the aged as they may
have the sympathy of Him of whom St. John
wrote, "His head and His hairs were white
like wool, as white as snow," and the de
fense of the e'rerlasting arms. Giorious'good
news for the dyIng as they may have mnis
Lering spirs to ecort them, and onenini
gates to receive thew, and a sweep of eternal
glories to encirelethem, aud the welcome of a
toving God to enbosom them.
Oh, my text is right when it speaks of the
glorious gospel. It is an invitation from the
most radiant Beini that e .*w'r trad the earth
or asend!ec ts heaven5. to you and me co
come and be made happy, and t.,en t&eo ar
ter that a royal catc for everlasting resl
dence. the angels of God our cup bearers.
The price paid for all of this on the clif of
limestone about a, high as this house about
seven minutes' walk from the wall of ierusa
lem, where with an agony that with one
hand tore down the rocks, and with the other
drew a midnight bickness over the heavens,
our Lord set us forever free. Making no
apology for any one of the million sins of our
life, but confessing all of them, we can point
to that cliff of limestone and say. "There was
paid our indebtedness, and God never col
lcts a bill twice." Glad am I that aU the
Christian poets have exerted their pen in ex
tolling the matchless one of this gospel.
Isaac Watts, how do you feel concermng
Him? And he writes. "I. am not
ashamed to own my Lord." Newton
what do you think of this gospel?
And he writes, "Amazing grace, how
sweet the sound!" Cowper, what
.o you think of Him? And the answer comes,
"There Is a fountain filled with blood."
Charles Wesley, what do you think of Him'
And he answers, "Jesus, lover of my soul."
Horatius Bonar. what do you think of Him?
And he responds, "I lay my sins on Jesus."
Bay Palmer, what do you think of Him? And
he writes, 'My faith looks up to Thee."
Fannie Crosby, what do you think of Him?
And she writes, "Blessed assurance, Jesus is
mine." But I take higher testimony: Solo
mon, what do you think of Him? And the
answer is, "Lily of the valley." Ezekiel,
what do you think of Him? And the answer
Is, "Plant of renown." David, what do you
think of Him? And the answeris, "My shep
herd.", SL John, what do you think of Him?
And the answer is, "Bright and morning
star." St. Paul, what do you think of Him?
And the answer comes, "Christ is all in alL"
Do you think as well of Him, 0 man, 0 wo
man of the blood bought immortal spirit?
Yes, Paul was right when he styled it "the
And then as a druggist, while you are
waiting for him to make up the doctor's
prescription, puts into a bottle so many
grains of this, and so many grains of that,
and so many drops of this, and so many
drops of that, and the intermixture taken,
though sour or bitter, restores to health.
So Christ the Divine Physician, prepares
this trouble of our lifetime, and that disap
pointment, and this persecution, and that
ardship, and that tear, and we must take
the intermixture, yet though It be a bitter
draft. Under the divine prescription it ad
ministers to our restoration and spiritual
health. "all things working together for
God." Glorious gospell
And then the royal castle into which we
step out of this life without so much as soil
ing our foot with the upturned earth of the
grave. "They shall reign forever." Does
not that mean that you are, if saved, to be
kings and queens, and do not kings and
queens have e astles? Bat the one that you
are offered was for thirty-three years an
abandoned castle, though now gloriously in.
abited. There is an abandoned royal castle
at Amber, India. One hundred and seventy
years ago a king moved out of it never to
return. But the castle still stands in inde
scribable grandeur, and you go through
brazen doorway after brazen doorway,
and carved room after carved room.
and under embellished ceiling af
ter embellished ceiling, and through
halls precious stoned into wider halls. prec
ous stoned, and on that hill are pavilions.
deeply dyed and tasseled and arched, the fire
o-ooored b.rydens-.ool b the-snow o.
natural to life that while you cannot hear
their voices you imagine you see the flutter
.of their wings while you are passing; walls
pictured with triumphal procession; rooms
that were called "Alcove of Light" and
Hall of Victory;" marble, white and black,
like a mi:Cure of morn and night; alabaster,
and mother of pearl, and lacquer work.
Standing before it the eye climbs from step
to latticed balcony, and from latticed bal
'.ny to oriel, and from oriel to arch, and
from arch to roof, and then descends on lad
der of all colors, and by stairs of perfe;t
lines to tropical gardens of pomegranate and
pineapple. Seven stories of resplendent
architecture ! But the royal castle provided
for you, If you will only take it on the pre
sribed terms, is grander than all that; and,
though an abandoned eastle while Christ was
here, achieving your r:'demption, is again oc
cpied by the "chief amuong ten thousand,"
and some of your own kindired who have
gone up and waiting for you are leanng
from the balcony. The windows of that
eaqtle look off on the Kings gardens 'a here
immortals walk linked in eternal friend
ship, and the banqueting hail of that castle
has princes and princesses at the table, and
the wine is "the new wine of the kingdom."
and the supper is the rmarriage supper of the
Lamb, and there are founta'ns into which no
tear ever fell, and there is music that trem
bles with no grief, and the light that falls
upon that scene is never beelouded. and there
is the kiss of these reunited after long sepa
ration. More nerve will we have there than
now, or we would swoon away under the
raptures. Stronger vision wiln we have there
tan now, or our eyesight would be blin'led
by the brilliance. Stronger ear will we have
tiere than now, or under the roll of that
minstrelsy, and the clapping of that accla
mation, and the boom of that halleluiah we
ould be defeated.
Glorious gospel! You thought relIgIon
was a straitjacket; that it put you on the
limits; that thereafter you must go cowed
down. No, no, no! It is to be eastellated.
By the deansing power of the shed blood of
Golgotha set your faces toward the shining
pinnacles. Oh, it does not matter much
what becomes of us here-for at the longest
our stay is short-If we can only land there.
You see there are so many I do want to
meet there. Joshua, my favorIte, prophet,
and John among the evangelists, and P'aul
among the apostles, and Wyclif among the
martyrs, and Bourdaloue among the preach
e, and Dante among the poets, and
Havelock among the heroes, and
our loved ones whom we have so much
missed since they left us so many darlings of
the heart, their absence sometimes almost
unbearable, and, mentioned In this sentence
last of all because I want the thought climac
teric, our blessed Lord, wIthout whom we
could never reach the old castle at all. Hie
took our place. He purchased our ransom.
He wept our woes. He suffered our stri-pe.
He died our death. He assured our resurrec
tion. Blessed he His glorious name forever!
Surging to His ear be all the athemns! Facing
HIm be all the thrones!
Oh, I want to see It, and I will see It-the
day of His coronation. On a throne already.
Methinks the day will come when in some
great hall of eternity all the Nations of earth
whom He had conquered by His grace will
assemble again to crown Him, Wide and
high and Immense and upholstered as with
the sunrise and sunsets of 1000 years, great
audience room of heaven. Like the leaves
of an Adirondack forest the ransomed multi
tudes, and Christ standing on a high place
surrounded by worshipers and subiects. Theut
eall come out of tne farthest past led on by
the prophets; they shall come out of the
early gospel days led on Dy the apostles; they
shall came out of the centuries still ahead of
us led on by champions of the truth, heroes
and heroines yet to be born.
And then fromi" that vastest audience evet
assembled in all the universe there will go up
the shout: "Crown Him! Crown Him! Crowr
IHim!" and the Father who long ago p rom
ised this His only begotten Son, "I will give
Thee the heathen for Thine inheritance and
the uttermost parts of the earth for Thy pos.
session," shall set the crown upon the tore
head yet scarred with crucifixion bramble,
and all the hosts of heaven, down ofd the
levels and up in the galleries will drop on
their knees, crying: "Hall, jing of earth!
King of heaven! King of saints! King o
seraphs! Thy kingdom is an everlasting
kingdom, and to Thy~ dominions there shall
be no end! Amen and amen! Amen and
BA YNDOND VESSELS Dr!FTING
UF? THE ATLANTIC CUAST.
9anzers to Navigation-Strange anJ
Weird Stories of Their Ob.ject
For a Year.
D- UmNG the lest fire rears 95G
vessels were wrecked on the
Atlantic coast of North
. America. In the same region
and period 957 derelicts-i. e., floating
and abandoned craft--were reported.
The worst derelicts are coal-laden and
lumber-laden ships. The latter float
the longest, while the former are
particularly dangerous because they
ire so heavy and solid. The average
lerelict floats thirty days.
Two years ago the Navy Depart
.nent sent the Yantic to destroy twelve
wrecks which lay along the Atlantic
coast. She found them all and blew
them into kindling wood. The usual
method is to approach a water-logged
hulk in a steam launch, drop over the
itump of a mast a hoop of iron with
:orpedoes attached and then fire the
iorpedoes from a safe distance by
The North Atlantic is the chosen
irifting ground of such floating perils.
rimber traders bound from this coast
to Europe encounter cyclones on the
way and are deserted by dozens. The
ressels used in that traffic are com
nonly of an antiquated type and so
:otten that only good luck keeps them
yn top of the water. Happy are the
:rews to be taken off when they meet
with disaster, before they are drowned
>r forced to cannibalism, as in the
ase of the Thekla, of Philadelphia
eported a few months ago.
Now and then it happens that some
yody finds a delelict with a valuable
:argo and tows her into port, netting
t large sum in salvage. The most re
narkable instance of this sort was that
>f a British ship called the Resolute,
hich was one of three vessels sent to
ind Sir John Franklin. During the
inter of 1851 she was nipped in the
ce of Melville Bay-the great sheet
>f water crossed the other day by
Peary-and was abandoned. Four
rears later she was found by a New
ngland whaler, frozen in a floe and
ractically uninjured. She was brought
to New London and Congress bought
her for $200,000 from tie salvors.
Ater being. thoroughly repaired she
was sent to England as a gift and
okea of amity to her Majesty. Years
ter, when she was finally condemned
a broken u4, the Queen had a desk
>resent to the President of the United
states. Mr. Cleveland uses it for his
vork every day at ihe White House.
When a ship strikes a derelict the
ccurrence is r.ot reported, usually,
because no witnesses are left alive to
tell the tale. But there have been
cases where ressels have hal the lIch
to hit such hulks and to escape de
truction. Only last year the deserted
"Fred B. Taylor" was cut squarely
I in two by the North German Lloyd
teamship "Trave." For many monthq
he bow and stern of the abndonedi
raft floated about separately inl the
rack of commerce, thie former pre
enting an extraLordinlary appearance
.ith bowsprit standing almost perpen
iular. Thus two derelicts were miade
:ut of one. In April, 1889, the steamer
"Cuban," of Liverpool, ran into ai
ater-logged hulk, cutting into it I
~hirten feet. Happily, she escaped
sith small damage.
More than three-fourths of all dere
its along the Atlantic coast of the
United States are created by storms off
Cape Hatteras, and from that neigh
borhood most of them start on the ir
strange and objectless voyage. Usually
they drift eastward until they get
about half way across the ocean, when
they pause and swing aimlessly about
in circles. Out in the middle of the
wide seas it is everybody's business to
destroy them, and the-refore nobody's.
So they float about until they sink.
Many 'of them find their way into the
Sargasso Sea, which has been described
as a "graveyard of ships." That vast
field of growing marine plants, in
which many queer species of fishes and
other animals dwell, lies in a sort of
ddy made by the great revolving
ocean current. Finling their way in
to this vortex, the wrecks go round
and round until they no longer have
suficient buoyancy to keep them on
'he surface. Then they disappear.
Nobody can tell how many of the
great numbers of good ships which
have sailed away, never to be heard
from again, have been victims of dere
lits. For several months during the
early part of this year an abanloded
hulk cailled the Agnes Manning lay in
Ithe very track of the trans-oceanic
ayers. She was a four-masted schooner
from Philadelphia carrying 940 tons
of coal. On February 25th she was
deserted with her masts standing and
sails furled. Her crew was rescued,
but the floating ves. '1 remained a
menace to thousands of lives. There
would have been very little hope f-r
the strongest steamship that struck
such an object.
An extr - rdinary instance of the
urning of a vessel was that of the
da Iredale, bound from Scotland to
San Francisco with a cargo of coal.
She was abandoned in October, 18S6,
nearly 2000 railes east of the Mairque
sas Islands. Her ci-ew took to the
boats and succeeded in reaching the
Maruesas. Meanwhile the wreck.
still burning, drifted westward in the
equatorial current to Tahiti, a distance
of 4223 miles. Finally she was towed
into port and her cargo continued to
smoulder for more than a year. How
ever, she was repaired eventually and
is nw egage inthe hin tr d
On. January Utn, 18w2, thne Co
lombo D, not far from Bermuda, sav
n vessel three miles over the starboard
Dow. ThEi' stranger was a three-mas
ter, square rigged. When signaleo
she returned no answer. She seemed
to be steering erratically, with all
srtils set. She was approached so close
that the name on her stern, "Hutch
ins Bros., Nova Scotia," was easily
read, but there was no sign of life on
her deck. The superstitious sailor;
refused to board her, thinking tha'I
there was something uncanny about
her. The Colombo D stayed by all
night, the skipper desiring to investi
gate the mystery, but in the morning,
though it had been almost dead calm,
the three-master had vanished fron
the face of the ocean. The crew of tht
Colombo D were terrified, believina
that they had seen the phantom ship'
and they thought they would nevel
roach port alive. However, they got
to land all right and learned that ths
"Hutchins Bros." had been deserted
when about to sink. by her men, whc
were picked up. The case was quite
similar to the celebrated one of th4
Mary Celeste, which was found in the
Mediterranean undeir full sail without
a soul on board, though nothing ap.
parently was the matter with her and
the fire in the galley stove was lighted.
That mystery was never solved. ThE
vessel was towed into Genoa and was
scuttled years afterward in the Gulf o
Mexico for the insurance.
The drifts of some of these derelicts
are astonishing. One of the most re
markable was that of the schooner W.
L. White, abandoned.in the great bliz
zard of 1888. Her track formed a
picturesque feature if the pilot charts
for many months. TFrom March to
Ndvember she was reported by thirty
six vessels. In a ciise of ten months
she traversed a disilce of more than
5000 miles, eventa gigoing ashore on
one of the Hebride& The American
schooner Wyer G.. Sargeant drifted
about the ocean fAtwo years, cover
ing 5500 miles. Shias loaded with
$20,000 worth of mahogany. She was
sighted thirty-four ties and traversed
the whole Atlantic,, fi the west to
the east coast and .f r e Azores to
Newfoundland.- mhington Star.
A Rattler oxr His Breast.
C. L. McCloud, ;Ahes drnmer ot
Portsmouth, Ohi sva recently the
guest of Mr. Harry Biggs, son of the.
proprietor of the Biggs House, at his 1
Kentucky home, '4ar Tygart Creek.
Ee took with hinrliis gun and fine
horoughbred Iri.a setter, Frank T
was a fortunat4 "to that
caused hinr to ife One3
-j o fl lana" ggs strolled
over to the woods near Tygart Creek
for a shot at a squirrel. The dog wa (
tied up at the house. They had been
in the woods some time, when young
Biggs had occasion to return to the
house for something- McCloud went
ap a ravine to a shady nook, where he
ay down to sleep.
- How long he slept he can't say, bu(
the terror of his awakening was be
yond description. He awakened with
the consciousness of some weight upon
hIs breast, and, before he saw what it
cas, his nostrils were assailed by a
pedliar odor. Glancing down (he was
ing on his back), the sight which
met his eyes well nigh petrified him.
There coiled on his breast was a full
rown rattlesnake. It was sleeping
ecefully, and for some time, which
seemed a.4es to the horrified man, he
was almost afraid to breath lest he
should awaken the coiled death on his
boom!. Th"sently Biggs returned and
his footsteps awakened th3 reptile,
which w as instantly head and tail ereel
awaiting the attack. Biggs at once
saw the horror of the situation, but
was at a loss what to do. He feared
to fire lest he might shoot his com
panion, and he also feared that if he
didn't kill the snake instantly it
would dash its fangs into the prostrate
While both men were thus stupefied
with fear the bushes again parted and
.mother actor was on the scene. I
was she nobie dog. He at once sav
his master's peril, And crouching al
most on the ground, he slowly crept
toward the snake. The- latter watchec
~very more of the dog, as if it knew
the duel was to the death. On cameQ
the dog, creeping slowly as a snail,
then, when within fire feet, with one
leap of almost lightning-like rapidity
he was on the snake. The bound
was so sudden that the snake had no
time to strike, and before the two
men could realize what had happened
the reptile was torn in shreds. The
two men took the dog to the creek and
thoroughly wrc~hed his month, and, to
their joy, found no scratches. After
the excitement had passed, McCloud
Isank in a faint, andl was just able to
get home. The dog, in his eagerness
to follow his master, had broken his
fastenings. It can be easily guessed
that no money could buy the dog now.
-St. Louis Republic.
BIg Ytumber Combine.
The lumber mnanufacturers of thA East an-i
North and the forest owners of the same sec
tons met in Bloston, Mass., and organized the.
Northeastern Lumbermen's Association.
Those present represented over 575,000.000
invested in forest lands, saw-mills, wood
working manufactories and the manufacture
of lumber generally.
nt 51asn't Appa:ent.
"Do you call this spring chickei''
said the diner to the waiter after sev
cral efforts to detach J'ortions C, the
tissue with knife and fork. "Yes,
sah! Dat's spring chicken for sure.
sah." "Then the patent cn the
spring must have expired."-its
Farmer Jones-Thar', now. reckot,
tbet'il fix her. Hleerd thet new
boarder complainlin' o' his rheumaitic
Itire, but she'll be all right now: thet
'suf was never knowed ter fail.
H UKOR OF THE DAY.
A tweed garment-A sac coat.
"Get off the earth," the cyclone said
to the barn.
A nervous affection-A man on the
eve of proposal.
The crawfish is not very good to
cat, but it will do at a pinch. -Truth.
One characteristic of good old Elijah
was his raven-ous appetite. -Cleveland
London's constant fog may be
caused by the continuous reign.
The fine wheat will insure the farmer
and the English sparrow full crops.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
People who are always scheming
generally pay about double for what
they get.-Milwaukee Journal.
When a man is dressed in a little
brief authority, he makes it more con
spicuous than a red neck-tie.-Puck.
So far no one has ever iade the
blunder of painting a Cupid to look as
if he had any sense.-Atchison Globe.
"Why does Snagsby keep his hair
cut so short?" "Because he's getting
bald, and he won't have it long. "
"He says he owes you a licking,
loes he? Well, you'll never -get it."
"How do you know?" "I'm his
tailor. "-Chicago Tribune.
"He's a very modest young man,
isn't he?" "Modest as a burglar; he
loesn't even want the credit of his
own work. "-Philadelphia Record.
An enterp'rising hosier has an
ounced a new button, which he calls
he Old Maid's Wedding. Why? Be
ause it never comes off.-Tit-Bits.
The coalman's season may be the
winter, the summer the iceman's harv
st, so that it's possible the milkman
inds his greatest profit in the spring.
Shall I from her sweet spell depart,
Or take her for better or worse?
The choice is-will she break my heart,
Or shall she break my purse? -Puck.
Demonstrator in Natural Science
"Gentlemen, I hold in my hand three
ihells." Ybice (from amphitheatre)
It isn't-under any of them."-Detroit
Watts-"I wonder how this world
vil get along when you and I have
eft it?" Potts-"You'd better be
wondering how we'll get along?"-In
Pipkin-"Does your wife know
"Hello, Bingley, how did the doctor
mceed in breaking up your fever?"
"Oh, easy enough; he presented his
>ill, and I had a chill in fifteen mm
ites. "--Chicago Inter-Ocean.
"Can I get this note shaved?" he
timidly asked the money-lender.
"Gracious!" ejaculated the broker, as
e glanced at the date, "it's old enough
o need it !"-Atlanta Constitution.
Unless old words can be exchanged
for the new ones that are being rapidly
ined, English dictionaries will-soon
have to be taken to a cotton compress
to be rendered portable.-DallasNews.
Applicant for Work- "But the oc
eupation seems to be a dangerous one."
Manager-"Yes; but then in ease you
are killed the company would send
flowers to your funeraL" -Boston
Richard-"Whenl my wife agreed to
share her lot with me I didn't know
there was a mortgage on it." Harry
- "A mortgage?" Richard- "Her
mother. I found, went with the lot."
A fellow in Smithville who couldn't
spare $2 a year for a newspaper sent
fifty two-cent stamps to a down-east
Yankee to know how to raise beets.
He got an answer, "Take hold of the
tops and pull for all you are worth.' -
')h, the gold is rolling in
From beyond the briny so'"
Millions rolling in each day.
Bringing us financial ease ;
Millions more are on the way.
Rolling onward to this goal,
And as we are none too flush,
Why, we'll just let her roll !
-Eansas City Journal.
Wan ted the Other Bellows Mended.
The finO organ which Edward J.
Sarles is about to give Grace Chnurcl
in San Francisco, as a memorial t(
is late wife, is rather a more
expensive gift .than Mrs. Jiopkins
Searles would perhaps have beer
willing to make to her old house of
worship. Once before her mnarriage
to Mr. Searles a vestrymian of the
church asked her if she would not fur
nish the funds for a new organ, but
she declined to do so.
"But our organ is so old that it is a
continual expense," urged the persist
ent vestryman. "It is always out 01
"I'll pay you liberally if you'll have
the bellows in the pulpit mended,'
replied the feminine Croesus, whosE
admiration of the rector. the Rev.
Dr. Foute, was not excessive.
At the Top of His Profesion.
"What did the doctor say was th4
'natter with you ?"
"He said he didn't know."
"Well, what doctor are you going t<
"None. When a doctor dares to mak4
such an admission as that he must be
about as high in the profe'ssion as he
an get."-Indianapolis JournaL.
The older a man is when he gets mar
red the soou er he commences taking
his lunch at noon downtown.- Atchiso.
HOW A TARIFF DEBATE SEEMS.
Senator Stanford's Little Story to n1,
lustrate Its Length.
The late Senator Stanford used to
tell a good story to illustrate the wear#
ness felt at the eternal prolongation of
debate on the tariff, which is repro4
duced by the Washington Star.
"We had," he said, "a Quaker neighi
bor when I was a boy up among thei
stony hills of Albany County, Newi
York, and he kept everything in apple4
pie order around his place. His pride
was his stone barn, next to that hI
house and other small buildings, an
then his splendid stone walls aroun
every lot on the farm, which was a
large one. All this stone came off his
place. Every spring his boys were pul
to work early with the cattle and the
stone boat, hauling rock either foi
fence or for some building. One yea
the old fellow decided to build a new,
and larger spring house for his milk,
and the boys and cattle went to work
hauling stone for it.
"One day Cephas, the oldest boy,
came in to say that they'd got stone
enough hauled for the new spring
"The old man put on his hat and went
out to see.
"'Thee thinks that 4s enough, Ce
phas?' he said, as his gray eyes slowly
wandered over the huge pile of rocks
tue boys had got together.
"'Yes, father,' said Cephas.
"'Well, my son,' replied the old man,
'thee is mistaken. Thee has not anyi
thing like enough. I'll tell thee how tq
kn6w when thee has enough stone foi
"The boys all gathered around hil
"'It is this way, my lads. Theenu
haul and haul until thee thinks thee ixal
twice as many as thee thinks enough.
Then thee should turn in and haul asi
many more. Then thee may know pre,
cisely where thee stands. Thee will
then have just enough stone hauled for
"Look at these bottles," said a well
known druggist; "do you notiee any
thing peculiar about them?"
He pointed to an assortment of bot
tles that were about to be packed up
for a customer. Each one bore a label
marked in plain letters "Poison."
There were also death's heads and
crossbones beneath the labels. The
bottles were of all sizes and sorts. -
"What does it mean? Wholesale'
"Not byany means, Those are the
toilet essences of a young-woman of
ammonia,tt we must mark them
so that in case a juvenile in the fam-,
Ily should drink of their contents a
coroner's jury would exonerate us.
"Alas," murmured the other man as
he gazed on the deadly assortment, "to
this complexion have we come at last!"
and he gave an inward thanksgiving
that he was'still a bachelor.
Perpetual lce in Virginia.
,t was not long ago reported that a
-.atural Icehouse on a grand scale had
ben :liscovered under singular circum,
stances on the north side of Stone
Mountain, sIx miles from the mouth of
Stony Creek. in Scott County, Vir
ginia. As the story goes, it appears
that one of the old settlers first discov
ered it abouts1880, but owing to the
fact that the land on which It was situ
ated could not be bought he refused to
tell its whereabouts and would only
take ice from it in case of sickness. He,
died without revealing the secret tot
even his own family, and but for a,
party of seng diggers entering the re,
gion it might have remained a secret
for generations, as it is situated in an
unfrequented part of the mountain.
The ice was only protected from the
rays of the sun by a thick growth of
moss, resembling that seen dangling
from the oaks of Louisiana and Texas.
Its formation was after the fashion of
a coal vein, being a few inches thick in
some places, while several feet in
others. The formation indicates that
It had been spread over the surface in
a liquid state and then congealed. By
what process it freezes or was frozen
is a matter of conjecture. Some thinli1
that it was formed in the winter and,
had been protected since by a dense
growth of moss which covers it, while
he more plausible theory is that be
neath the bed Is situated a gr'eat na
tural laboratory whose function is a,
formation of ether, and the process of,
freezing goes steadily on through the
heat as well as the cold. The bed covers
-ne acre.-Brooklyn Eagle.
He Answered IHer Quesion.
An elevator in a downtown building
stopped running for a few minutes the
other day. The usual impatient crowd
soon formed at the door. Each arrival
shot a question at the attendant, who
"Not running; am waiting for orders;
I don't know how long before we start
Then came a- bustling woman.
"Not running, madam," said the at
"Hlow long must we walt? I'm in a
"I don't know;'.ntil I get orders from
The woman looked at each person In
the crowd. Evidently she wanted to
ask why they were all standing around,
if there was no prospect of the elevator
resuming, and finally she said to the at
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
"Orders, madam," replied the eleva
There was laughter all around, and
1the woman disappeared.-New York
Hrald. -- -a
A squabble over a $10,000 estate in
which one ardent squabbler Is repre
sented by six lawyers Is a peeulli
San Francisco instance of a fght for
principle. Surely the most hopeful liti
gant would expect to get nothing more
than the glory of winning the case and
the fun of seeing the lawyers fight for
It affords genuine pleasure to learn
that there are parts of the country uni
affected by the present financial and
Industrial depressioi. The following,
taken from a trustworthy contempr.
ary In Georgia, may be cosildered as
authentic: "Reports from- various
counties In the State show that farmers
and residents generally. bavi. little to
complain of this winter. While the
season has been unusuallyosevere and
the State has not escaped je depres
sion common to the whole cOpntry, yet
nobody Is suffering from I hunger.
There Is plenty of hominy and corn,
and Georgia hogs hpre not been fatter
since we can remember." Hunger In
Georgia! Appetites going unappeased
with hominy, corn and hog in plentyl
What Is more succulent than -honilny
cake? Nothing in the whole art of
cookery, lest It be corn dodgers and
hog; or, what is more likely, hoecake,
with a piece of Georgia bacon along
side. Who, we ask of titled chefs, -
would order cinci, or henriettes, or
crullers, when he could have hoecake,
atted by Mammy's hand and fried on
A griddle lubricated with the fat of a
Georgia shote? We are assured on un
impeachable authority that thke Hon.
HEoke Smith discusses each morning be
fore going to the department of the in
terior six steaming hoecakes and a
goodly portion of a hog of unbroken
Georgia lineage. And every Georgia
poet nibbles reflectively at snowy hom
iny cakes as he weaves his' rhymes.
Glorious Georgia! Happy, contented,
well-fed Georgians! Though the world
be troubled with famine, pestilence and
bond issues, there is plenty ofCorn and
hominy on hi. Id, and the hogs have not
been fatter iAnce we can remember.
Hog and hom, ay for one! Make it two
rhe movement for state regulation
pawnshops received its great Impetus
'rom Savonarola, who liberated the
Elorentines from opprsion ' iidgve
them popular institutIons, ikigh
Uis instrumentality they werm wtab
ished In the principal towns:qItaly,
knd spread throughout M
founded that et
%sco Piquer,.foundd the Mt-e
Iete of Madrid. In 1705, starting wIth
the modest capital of fave pen.c wheh
e found. in the offertory box he bad
placed in the church to receiveoatr
butions for the insttution,
md of the seventeenth century there
were monts de plete, formed more Or
ess after the Italan model, In most
.ountries of Europe. The hMara6tet
stics of the original institutlons re
main with those of to-day,.~altou
%ey have long since ceased to bezade
the influence of the churces,. Ihe
dain object, which Savonarcla and
ether early founders had in View--the
protection of the poor from usaurere
and their relief in periods of daw
Is still maintained, and ti moats de
pete in all Latin countdies area
:ated with public charities and haip
She Learned Different1?.
Vicar (severely, to his cook)-fary,
you bad a soldier to supper last night.
Cook-Yes. sii-; he's my brother.
Vicar-But you told me you had ne
Cook-So I thought, sir, ntil ioa
preached last Sunday and told us we
were all brothers and sistess.---OBadon
'Tve been pondering over a very sin
"What is it?"
'How putting a ring on a woman's
third finger should place you under that
Distance shows the 'Coming Woman
- be so unattractive that heaven alone
ows what a near view will be.
"Pop," said Farmer Corntossel's son,
"here's a tramp at the back door says
e wants work."
"That's what he says."
"Well, give 'im one o' them mince
pies that wus baked fur Christmas and
tell 'im ter eat it."-Washingtoni Star.
Until fifty years ago two regularly
conkfltuted familes of infanticides ex
isted-the Mieebra, of New South
Wales, and the Arreoy, of the Soclety
Islands. The chief of their tenets was
that no member should suffer their
children to live, and they were onseverj
hand respected anid held in the highest
honor by their countrymen.
'A Monkey Can't Untie Knots.
The monkey's intelligence baa neve4
been able to arrive at a point which on~
ables that animal to achieve the unty~
ng of a knot. You may tie a monkey
with a cord fastened with the simples
kind of a common knot, and unless the
beast can break the string or gnaw i
in two, he will never get loose. To un,
tie the knot requires observation and
reasoning power, and though a monkey
iay possess both, he has neither in
1suffcient degree to enable him to over
come the difficultr.~ --