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Unexpected Diversions That
Were Not on the Bills.
BILL NYE'S TACTFUL QUERY.
It Saved an Embarrassing Situation
and Turned a Painful Silence Into a
Burst of Laughter-?A Simple Notice
That Made an Audience Roar.
The funniest humor Is the uninten
tional kind. The best comedy is that
which has never been rehearsed or
premeditated, but springs to life In
close strnlts wheu everything of suc
cess for the platform- performer de
pends on his holding the spot light "of
his audience's attention through a cru
cial strain caused by unexpected di
Some of the Involuntary humor of
the platform Is worth remembering
nnd repeating. For instance:
Once upon a time a lecturer reached
Ids date at 7:30. Ho had to get his sup
per, shave and dress between then nnd
the usual scheduled starting time.
8:15. Accordingly ho dressed with more
haste than he had intended, nnd two
top buttons of hla trousers failed to
receive proper attention. This showed
plainly in the glare of the footlights,
nnd a bit of his dress shirt protruded
noticeably. The audience had a hard
time being courteous and reconciling
the ridiculousness of the speaker's ap
pearance with the serious dignity nnd
beauty of his lecture. Still, all would
have been well but for the fact that at
the close of the address and while the
speaker still sat on the platform in his
Unconscious dishabille the platform
manager rose and announced Impres
"The next number on this splendid
course will be given two weeks from
tonight by Dr. Robert Mclntyre, who
\v\)\ deliver his celebrated lecture
'Ruttoned Up People.' "
The audience shrieked, aud to this
day, through the tender hearted for
bearance of those people, that lecturer
docs not know why tho announcement
of his confrere's beautiful word pic
ture lecture created Just that kind of
At one time Dr. Thomas E. Cireeu
was submitted to the long Introduction
?agony. He stood It as patiently as
.possible, and so did the audience, but
when the introducer ceased und bowed
out the paid speaker of the evening
Dr. Green walked forward and said in
his most ministerial tone :
"I am going to add a phrr.se to the
Ittany, making it read as follows:
'From our traducers and our intro
ducers good Lord deliver us!' "
Sometimes a town committee is can
tankerous and takes on a degree of
choletness never dreamed of or aspir
ed to by a City committee. At one
time Ellas Day, a makeup artist, was
behind the scenes laying out bis wigs,
beards, etc., when a commltteeman
came back to see him. After the
usual greeting.* the commltteeman
"I hope to goodness you're better'u
the last number on our course was'."
"Who wns it?" asked Mr. Day.
"Dr. Russell Con well of Phlladelfy."
"Didn't you like him'/" asked Day In
"Rotten:" suld the commltteeman.
, "Who came before that?"
<'LelaUd T. Powers of Roston."
? '??Weil, you liked him, of course."
"And what did you hove before
that?" asked Day. now prepared for
"Schumaun-IIcink and her compa
"Did you hear her?"
"Evor'body n-klckln'. Said she was
poorer'It home talent."
"Well," said Day, the scttledllCSS of
despair in his tone, "you'll like mo!"
Hut perhaps tho best instance of per
fect adaptation on tho spur of the mo
ment is found lit an anecdote Rob Bur
defte vouched for as having been the
osperloiico of bis illustrious contem
porary, Rill Nyo.
'Xyc and Rurbank were being starred
that year by Major Pond, i ney wore
doing the Canadian provinces and on
tho night of the special episode were
nt Victoria. British Columbia. Rur
bank WOS doing heavy dramatic work
as the best possible foil for Nye's
subtly and side racking humor. But
Li the audience were several men who
bud that owning tasted too frequently
of^be (lowing bowl. These would oc
casionally break forth with remarks
that were models of UtltlmollUOSS.
Finally) when Rurbank was in the
midst of Ills most fascinating aud trag
ic rending nnd the audience was bold
Aug its breath, one whose breath was
'too strong t* be held hurst out Into
a maudlin snatch of song which utter
ly sidetracked nnd discouraged tho lec
turer. The speaker stopped, lost nnd
confused" beyond recall.
But Just ns tho silence was begin
ning to bo felt Nyo stepped blandly
and quickly from behind the scenes,
laid his hand on his companion's arm
and gnzed thoughtfully over the house.
Then, in a mild but distinct voice, he
"I? Dr. Leslie K. Keeley In the
Even the fact that It was n near
British audience conld not hide the
consummate wit of (he remark, nnd
tho evening was saved nnd made a
triumph instead of Ignomlnous defeat
for the speakers.?Strickland W. Gil
Ulan In St. Louis Republic.
Wl\nt Is celebrity? The ndvnntngo
>sf being known to roople who don't
know you.- Clmmfort.
ANNUAL STATE FAIR
OPENED ON MONDAY
Indications Arc That Event Will Sur
pass All Previous Records.
First Day Fine, >
Columbia, October 31,.?If the wea
ther continues as It was today this
promises to be a record-breaking fail*.
The advance guard now here is al
ready very large and each incoming
train will swell the crowd. There
never has been more general pros
perity in South Carolina and the State
Fair offers, apparently, the one oppor
tunity of the people of the State com
A great many folks say that the fair
is the same one year after another.
This is largely true to the uneducated
eye. A visitor may see a stalk of cot
ton. It looks the sanle as the stalk
that was on exhibition last year, but
it is not. It may be the eighth stalk
from the same Held and it will bear
the simple card, "Columbia Gem"
eight year of breeding." This means
a great deal to the progressive and
educated farmer. It is the same way
with corn?a single ear may mean
much, but to the average person one
ear of corn looks very much like all
the other ears that have been coming
to the fair for years.
liest In Years.
It is the same way with cattle and
fine stock. Each year shows Improve
ment and the experts say that the cat
tle and stock exhibits are the best
that have been here in many years.
Even the man with an unskilled eye
can see the vast inipovement in the
poultry display and can observe that
the raisers of high class poultry are
coining South to display their birds. In
the hope of interesting the Southern
farmer, who is enjoying the'preeeds of
his fourteen cents cotton.
Another feature of the Fair that
President Mobley has emphasized is
the department of agricultural imple
ments. There are quite a number of
exhibitors, the International Harvester
folks. Gibbes. the Sutnter Foundry and
others, who are displaying various
classes of farm machinery. 1 heard
one of the visitors asking if the farm
er would understand the machinery
and his simple reply was that the av
erage farmer seemed to understand
the automobile very readily, and he
I guessed that he would readily under
stand the machinery for the farm.
There are several displays on the
grounds of electric machinery that it
is intended shall In time Im? used on the
Night Opening Xew Feature.
A new feature of the fair this year,
and one which Is largely experimental.
Is the keeping open of the fair at
night. The practice heretofore has
been to have- side shows and amuse
ments on upper Main street, but Pres
ident Mobley and tbe members of the
Fair association Induced city council
to try the experiment this year of
concentrating all of the side shows
on the ground for the week and keep
ing the Fair open at night as well
j as in the day. The result has been
that many more side'shows than usual '
have been attracted to Columbia and
they have air pitched their tents on 1
the grounds. It is a decided lnovation. j
The grounds will be kept open each ,
night until 11 o'clock. The grounds;
and buildings have all been provided j
witli electric lights and tbe expccta.
tlon is that ehe attendance will be good
tit nights, and that there will be a
great deal of amusement and pleasure
provided by this night feature.
The vlsft of the corps of Clemson
cadets to the Fair is the greatest in
dividual feature of the piogrnnune. it
brings to Columbia a Hue and repre
sentative body of six hundred youag
men, alt of whom have their relatives,
and |>erhaps sweethearts, interested in
them. The cadets will have a ?ood
time here, as they are always favorites
at the fair.
The game of football on Thursday
between Clemson am: Carolina will
be the athletic event of the week and
there is already a great deal of Inter
est in tills game on the gridiron.
All of tho railroads leading into
Columbia have announced special
schedules and special trains for those
wh? wish to visit the fair this year.
Of course, special excursion rates have
been provided, and the advance guard
for tho fair reports that tbe railroads
will have all they can do to take care
of the crowds this year, if tbe weather
continues good, and Prophet ilouscal
ami the weather bureau say that litis
week will see line and crisp weather
just the kind of weather for football
and line horse races.
Knees llegiti Today?
The State Fair races open tomorrow
itfternoon tit 1:30 o'clock, the first
event being a 2.17 pace. A number
of fast horses are out at the grounds,
and the races promise to be a feature
?)f tbe week.
The arono events today at the
grounds were postponed until tomor
row. There will be a double pro
gramme tomorrow, including both to
day's and Tuesday's events.
A tight In tin- executive rooms of
the State Fair society, resulted in the
breaking of a bone In the nose of .1.
D. W. Watts, who had a light with .1.
Wash That Itch Away.
it is said that there are certain
springs in Europe that give relief and
cure to Eczema ami other skin dis
eases. If you knew that by washing
in these waters you coulri be relieved
from the awful Itch, wouldn't you
make an effort to take a trip to
Europe at once? Would you not be
willing to spend your last cent to tnd
Hut you need not leave home for
tltpse distant springs. Relief Is right
here In your own home town!
A simple wash of Oil of Winter
green, Thymol and other Ingredients
as compounded only in D.-D. 1). Pre
scription will bring instant relief to
that terrible burning Itch, and leave
the skin as smooth and healthy as that
of a child.
If you have not already tried it, get
at least a 2fi cent bottle today. We as.
sure you of Instant relief.
Sold by I.aureus Ding Co.
Henry Arthur Jones, the famous
English dramatist, is shortly coming
to this country to supervise the pro
duet ion of one of bis plays to be made
by the Authors' Producing Company.
Sines An lowil Man's Life.
The very grave seemed to yawn be
fore Robert Madsen. of West Burling
ton, Iowa, when, after seven weeks
In the hospital, four of the best phy
sicians gave him up. Then was shown
the marvelous curative power of Blee
trlc Bitters. For arter eight months
of frightful suffering from liver trou
ble and yellow jaundice, getting no
hel)? from other remedies or doctors,
five bottles of this matchless medicine
completely cured him. Its positively
guaranteed for stomach, liver or kid
ney troubles and never disappoints.
Only f?0 cents at Laurens Drug Co.
THE EIGHTH LESSON
At What Store Can I Trade With Faith?
At this store with absolute faith.
With faith in our goods, for they are goods of quality-with faith
in our store service, for it is par excellent==with faithiin our prices for they
are fair and just.
This is the store you can have faith in.
1*1 I ff ^lll
hj ? ? ? 4J"'T^Tfoii|jBfj
f ! >vrt 1
And It's a Beauty, Too
Hero, truly, is big value. This
Dresser is a beautiful piece -cut shows
it exactly two large and two small
drawers oval French plate mirror top
23x42 inches beautiful quarter-sawed
oak, polished golden.
Better and Longer will be the Stove and
Range Service if they Bear
Put a "Buck" in Your Home
This beautiful Chiffonier match'"!
the Dressorexactlv topis 19 x IV,
ineli? s in > v/.i- French
plate mirror K5 x ~'?incb
pinio mirror i n x ~o men- ^ ...v Wy/Ft \ ???"
es contain.' ?'> splendid, . *"';? . ;?',?"'. &,'mr1.
large drawers we bav?> : ^':*:>-'t >>/JT**"
) to mal h Dresser in ???V^/) ^v^ft?^: v
golden (|.iartor. a weil ^??1$ /' ,"V?V.'^,