Newspaper Page Text
A.n. Inxlepencierit Paper Devoted to the Interests of* the People.
ORANGEBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA, THURSDAY, JULY 23, 1874.
THE EARLY BIRD.
Daintily over tho dew-wet grass
Tripped blue-eyed Mllly, tho farmer's lass,
Swinging b,er mllkpail to aud fro,
As huo murmured a lovo-eoug, soft and low.
Many a snttor Mllly hnd,
From tbo ?qutre'a sou to tbo hordruan's lad;
Dut Bho smiled on all with a merry glanco
And gavo each wcoer an equal chance.
Now faithful Dnnald. tho herdsman's lad,
Tiie moro ho loved lior tho moro was sad;
?'K?r what with tho squlro's son." thought he,
" Bho never will turn a thftught to m?l"
Dut down in the meadow ho raked the bay,
When Mllly wont Hinging along that way.
Ho watched her pas*, and she cried, in Jort:
?'4 Tis tho early bird * ?you know tho rest S "
Then suddenly Donald grow so bold
That tho " old. old Btory " was quickly told;
And bln?-eycd'MiUy was notbiug loth
On that summer's mornng to plight her troth,
*' Oh I foolish Donald 1" Bho crlod, in gloe,
*' To wait so long for n hint from mc!"
Then morrlly over tho dow wot grass
Gripped Donald and Mllly. his own sweet Isrb.
THE BOARD FENOB.
"Shoo, bIioo, get homo, yo.i plaguy
critters 1" cried Mr. Baboook, waving
his arms os ho . chased a dozen sheep
and lambB through a gap in the fence.
It was a wooden fence, and when he
had succeed in driving the animals the
other side of it, he lifted it from its re
olining position, aud propped it up with
stakes. This wni an operation he had
found himself obligod to repeat many
times in tho courso of the season, and
not only of that season, but of several
Yet Mr. Babcook was neither slaok
nor thriftless ; in faot, he rather prided
himself on tho orderly appoarance of
bis farm, and not without reason. How
then shall we account for his negli
gence in this particular instance ?
The truth was that this fouco formed
tho boundary lino between his ostateaud
that of Mr. Small; and three genera
tions of mou who owned theso estates
had been unable to decide to whom it
belonged to rebuild aud keep it in re
pair. If the owners had chanced to be
men of peaceable dispositions, thoy had
compromised tho matter aud avoided a
quarrel ; but if, on the contrary, they
belonged to that much larger class who
would sooner sacrifice their own com
fort and convenience than their so-called
rights, this fenco had boon a source of
unending bickerings and strife.
And of this class were tho present
liwners. Again and again they had
i8nltod their respective lawyers on
Bubjeot, and dragged from their
ling-places musty old deeds and re
rds, but always with tho same reanlt.
MI say it belongs to you to keep it in
"repair ; that's as plain as a pike staff,"
" And I says it belong to you,?any
fool might see that," Mr. Small would
reply, nnd then high words would fol
low, and they would part in anger, more
determined and obstinate than before.
The lawyer's fees and the loss by dam
ages from each others' cattle had al
ready amounted to a sum snflicient to
havo built a fenco round their entire
estates, but what was that compared to
tho satisfaction of having their own
There was not wautiug in the neigh
borhood poace-makors who would gladly
havo settled too affair by arbitration ;
but to this neither of tho belligerents
would listen for a moment.
At last, ono day, Miss Letitin Gill, a
woman much roipected in the village,
and of some weight as a land-owner and
tax-payer, sent for Mr. Bibcock to como
and see her ou business; a summons
which he mado hnsto to oboy, as how
could he do otherwise where a lady was
Miss Letitia sat ot her window sow
ing up a seam, but sho dropped her
work and look off hor spectacles whon
Mr. Babcock made his appearance.
" So you got my message ; thank you
for couiiug, I'm sure. Sit down, do. T
suppose my man Isaac, told you I
wanted to consult you on a matter of
business,?a matter of oquity, I may
say. It can't be expeoted that we
women folks should be tho best judges
about such things, you know ; there's
Isaac, to bo sure, but then ho lives on
the place, and maybe ho wouldn't bo
exactly impartial in his judgment about
'?.Tes' so," said Mr. Babcock.
" Well, the stato of the ciso is this :
When Isaac camo ur> from the long
raoadow to dinner,?they're mowing tho
meadow to-day, and nn uncommonly
good yield there is.?whon ho came up
to dinner, ho found that certain stray
cows had bioken into tho vegetable
"Tie did, hoy?"
" Yon can fancy tho riot they made.
I declare, Isaao was nlmost ready to uso
profane language. I'm not sure that he
didn't say ' deuce,' and I'm not certain
he did say 'darn;' and after all, I
'couldn't feel to reproooh him very
severely, for tho pains ho has taken
with that garden is something amazing;
working in it, Mr. Babcook, early and
lato, weeding find digging, nnd water
ing, and now fo sen it all torn and
trampled so that you wouldn't know
which was beots nnd which was oucum
bors, it's enough to ronso nnybody's
" It is so," Raid Mr. Babcook.
11 And that isn't all, for by the looks
of thing* thoy must have been rampag
ing a full hour in tho orchard nnd elo
vor-field before they had got into tho
garden. Just you come and ?oo :" and
puttincr on her sun-bonnet, Miss Lotitin
showed Mr. Babcook over the damaged
?* You don't happen to know thoce
animals did tho misohiof?" snid Mr.
" Well. T didn't obierva them in par
ticular, but Ts-mo said there was ono
with it particular white mark; some
thin'1' liko a oroH* on her hauneh."
"Why, that's Small's old Brindle."
cried Mr. Babcock. '?I know the ranrk
as well os I know the nose on my face.
She had balls on her horns,, didn't
" Yes, so Isaao said."
" And a kind of hump on her baok ?"
"A perfect dromedary," said Miss
Letitia. 441 noticed that myself."
44 They were Small's cows,?no donbt
abont it at all," said Mr. Baboook, rub
bing his hands. 4 4 No she^p with them;
44 Well, now I think of- it, there were
sheep?they ran away as soon as they
saw Isaac.* Yes, certainly there were
sheep," said Miss Lotitin.
441 know it,?they always go with
the cows; and what you wiBh of me?'.
44 Is to fix the damages," eaid Miss
Letitia. 44 As I said before, women
folks are no judgesabout such matters."
Mr. Baboook meditated a moment,
and then sai 1 :
44 "Well, I wouldn't take a cont less
than seventy-five dollars, if I were yon,
?not a oent."
44 Seventy-five dollars I Isn't that a
good deal, Mr. Baboook: ? You know I
don't wish to be hard on the poor man ;
all I want is a fair compensation for the
44 Seventy-fivo dollars is fair, ma'am,
?in f aot, I may say it's low ; I wouldn't
have a herd of cattle and sheep tramp
ing through my premises in that way for
44 There's one thing I forgot to state,
?tho orchard gate was open or they
couldn't have got in ; that may make a
44 Not a bit,?not a bit. You'd a
right to have -your gate open, but
Small's cows had no right to ran loose.
I hope Isaac drove 'em all to the pound,
didu'c he ? "
441 heard him say he'd shut 'em up
somewhere, and didn't mean to let 'em
out till the owner calls for 'em. But,
Mr. Baboook, ?cvhat if ho should refuse
to pay the damages ? I should hate to
go to law about it."
44 Ho won't refuse ; if ho does, keep
the critters till he will pay. As to law,
I guess he's had about enough of that."
44 I'm sure I thank you for your ad
vice," said Miss Letitia, 44 and I mean
to act upon it to the very letter."
And Mr. Baboook took his leavo with
a very happy expression of countenance.
Soaroely was he out of sight when
Miss Letitia sent a summons for Mr.
Small, which ho obeyed as promptly as
his neighbor had done. .
She made to him preoisely tho same
statement she had made to Mr. Bab
cock, showed him tho injured property,
It ?vas romarkablo that before ho did
thip, ho should ask the same question
Mr. Babcock had asked, namely,
whether she had any suspicion to whom
tho animals belonged.
" Well, ono of them I observed had a
terribly crooked horn."
44 Preoisely?it's B.iboook's heifer. I
should know her among a thousand.
She was blaok and white, wasn't she?"
44 Well, now I think of it, she was ;
ono seldom sees so olear a black and
whito on a oow."
44 To bo euro, they're Bibcook's aui
mals fast enough. Well, let me see?
what you want is just about a fair esti
mate. I suppose ?"
44 Well, 1 'should say ninety dollars
was as low as ho ought to bo allowed to
get off with."
44 O, but I fear that will soein as if I
meant to tako advantage. Supposo we
call it?say seventy fivo?"
41 Just as you pieaso, of course ; but
hanged if I'd let him off for loss than a
hundred, if 'twas my case."
44 And if he refuses to pay ?"
44 Why, keep his animals till ho comes
round, that's all."
44 But there's ono thing I neglected to
mention ; our gate was standing open ;
that may alter tho case."
44 Not at all,?there's no law against
your keeping yonr gato open ; there is
against stray animalp."
44 Very well,?thank you for yonr ad
vioo," said Miss Letitia ; and Mr. Small
departed with as smiling a countenance
as Mr. Baboock had worn.
B it at milking timo that night he
made a strange discovery?old Brindle
At abont tho same hour Mr. Baboock
made a similar discovery?tho blaok
and whito heifer was nowhere to be
A horrible nnspicion seized them
both,?a .suspicion which they would
not havo made know to oaoh other for
They waited till it was dark, and then
Mr. Babcnok stole round to Miss
Letitia's, and meekly asked leavo to
look at tho animals which had commit
ted tho trespass. Ho would havo done
it without asking leave, only that
thrifty Miss Letitia always looked her
barn doors at night.
While he stood looking over into tho
pon whoro tho co.tr wero confined, and
trying to negotiato with Miss Xotitin
for" tho roleaso of tho hot for, along
cirao Mr. Small, in quest of Brindlo.
Tho two men stnrod at each other for an
instant in blank dismay, and then hung
thoir heads iu confusion.
It was useless to assort that tho dam
agos wero too high, for had they not fixed
them themselves? It was useless to
ploid that Miss Letitia was in a manner
responsible for what had happonod, on
account of the open gate, for had they
not assured her that oircumstance did
not affect the case ? It was useless to
say that nho had no right to keep the
cows in custody, for had they not coun
seled her to do so ? As fo going to law
abont it, would they not thus b?como
the Bprtrfc of tho whole town?
41 ' Ho that diggeth a pit. ho himself
shall fall into it,* " said Miss Lotitia,
who read what was passing in their
minds as well as if thoy had spoken,
or the light of Isaac's lantern fell full
on their faces. " However, I don't wish
to be hard upon you, and on one condi
tion I will free the cows and forgive
von tho debt."
* "What is that?" Both looked the
question, but did not ask it.
" The condition is that yon promise
to put a good new fenco in place of the
old ono that separates your estates, di
viding the costs between you, and that
henceforth you will live peaceably to
gether as far as in yon lies. Do you
"Yes," muttered both, in a voice
"Shake hands upon it, then," said
They did so.
"Now let the cows out, Tsaao; it's
time they were milked," said ?he. And
the two men went away driving their
animals before them, with a shame-faced
air greatly in contrast to the look of
triumph with which they had last quit
ted her presence.
The fenco was built, and the strife
ceased when the cause was removed
but it was long before Miss lietitin's
part of the affair came to the public
ear ; for she herself maintained a strict
silence concerning it, and enjoined the
same upon her man-servant Isaac.
Mules ana Women.
Some unknown party writes mo as
" Mr. M quad ploas advise me in your
next oolnm what to do with a kicking
mual?-Shell i pound him or not
"my wife is allso treoherous as tho
mual i bolieve her tonguo is hung on
the middle and flies at both ends
"L. L. P."
No, sir, don't pound your mule. I
know it is oustomary for owners of
mules to commence on the animal at,
sunrise with a crowbar and v ind him
until bedtime, but I have always found
kindness more suaoessful. Seek to gain
the friendship of your mule, and as
soon as yon succeed you can do any
thing with him. When you go into tho
barn in tho morning, havo a kind word
for him, instead of knooking him down
with the neok-yoke. Ask alter the
health of his family?show him tbat
yon are interested in his welfare?be
civil aud yet dignified, and as soon as
that mule finds out that some one in
this cold world loves him he will be a
All mules kick, my dear sir, just as
all men love to hold a fat office, but'
there's, a, rempfe i * . - ,f4afc "T,
stove boiler, fill it with bricks, and hang
it by a rope so that it will just swing
against the animal's heels. Every- time
ho kicks it will fly back, like the pen
dulum of a clock, and tho patience of
the most enduring mule will, in time,
wear out. I tried this once, and the
niulo kicked twenty-four days and
nights before he snrrendered, but after
that you might inn a steamboat on his
heels, and he wouldn't raise a hoof.
Feed your mnle well. I know of
farmers who t irow a keg of nails or an
old sap-pan into the manger, and ex
pect a mule to grow fat on snob forage,
but it embitters their feelings and
makes 'em more set in their ways. Of
course I don't say that you must feed a
mule on fried eggs, currant jelly, raisin
cake, and the like of that, but don't
expect ho can f? od on rails and feel en
thusiastic all tho time.
About your wife. Don't try to stop
her from talking unless you want to kill
her. It's natural for a woman to talk,
sir. My first wife used to nearly kill
rao, but I now rcmomber with strict
grief how I deliberately planned her
death. I bet 810 that she couldn't
keep right on talking foB three weeks,
and she commenced. I had to go away
from home, bnt sho was a woman that
wouldn't lie, and I trusted to her honor.
I returned homo at tho end of three
weeks. Tbore was no one around the
house, but on a chair where I left my
dear wifo sitliug, was a oorset, a dross,
a dozen buttons and a baok-comb?tho
last sad relicts of my loving partner,
Sho had talked herself to death, and
as I began to weep tho o >rsot spoke up
and said :
"Come down with that littlo ton dol
lars, if you please." M. Quad.
A Popular Comet.
The World has reoeived information
that the comet is very popular among
young lovers, and they never tiro of tho
heavenly hunt, but endure with aston
ishing resignation tho constantly recur
ring collisions consequent upon the sud
den movements of their heads in oppo
site diretcions. Now and then the
young fellow is euro he sees it, and then
in the excitement of the moment he
passes his arm about bis companion's
neck, aud with his hand undor her chin
raises her face toward that of tho starry
firmament wh -ro ho thinks ho has dis
covered tho o-jlestial wanderer. Full of
onthusiasm tho girl remains gnzing in
this position long and earnestly, the
silvor moonlight illuminating her coun
?tenanoo with a radinnoo that gives to
every feature an angelic charm, and
suggesting tho idea that sho herself
might be a beautiful star, moulded into
human form nnd sent upon tho earth for
tbo deleotation of mankind. But at this
interesting point of tho search tho voice
of a sleepy and unromantio father pen
etrates the shadows of tho garden?
"Jaa-a-no! it is ten o'olook," nnd tho
charm is broken.
?" Sad thine: to lone your wife," said
a friend to a Vormouter who i tood nt
tho gravo of his wifo. M Well, tolera*
bly sad,."-replied the mourner, "but
then, her clothes just fit my oldest g^rl."
? \ sonsitivo girl lias broken off tho
match became ho said oho had a foot
liko a raisin-box.
Tho MeiohantB of the Future.
A German statistician has lately given
a tabular view, of tho commercial move
ment of the world as shown in the ex
port and import trado of nations. . In
somo regions, as in Africa, it is dif?oalt
to m?ke an estimate; but what is equal
ly striking is tho fact that while old
commercial countries maintain their
trado, now ones are dawning, as it were,
into the, activity of commercial day.
On looking at the trado figures of haff
oivilizedloonntries, we see in them' Ihe
great key to the oommerco of the future.
The trado of some countries does not
always grow in proportion to the supe
rior intelligence and commercial spirit
of their people, bat oftener according
as its natural productions are in do
mand by. other people. This influences
the export trade alono. The imports
depend more on, first, the available ex
portable/matter, and secondly the nec
essities of the people,.or rather on their
appreciation of the wants of civilized
life. Bat here again calculations are
often at fault, for it is not the people
upon whom most dependence is placed
that always turn out' the bost custom
ers. Even in two peoples like the Chi
nese and Japanese there is a great dif
ference of willingnoss,;to avail them
selves of the result of progress. Social
habits and ethnological ? considerations
both enter as factors. The surprising
developments of such countries as
Egypt show us the probable impetus
which will mark the trade of what may
bo called undeveloped commercial re
gions of the world.
It is this very faot that will preserve
sueh manufacturing countries as Eng
land from decline. Trade is only be
ginning with some lands, and their in
habitants are bat just becoming ac
quainted with the products of civiliza
tion. Till suoh timo as these new coun
tries themselves begin to manufacture,
they will doubtless bo customers of
Great Britain, Franco, Germany and
America, for sueh articles as each can
sell cheapest. In the meantime, how
ever, there is little doubt that wh'on
onoe the barriers which soparate China
from the rest of the world are brokeu
down, it will enter in the markets with
all the advantages which its immense
and skillful population will give it. In
different' -kinds of manufactures it is
more thnn probable It will completely
shut out European competitors. Late
travelers through China havo not only
been amazed at the progress the Chinese
are making, but are filled with appre
hension^ rho perspective.
Another revolution in tue importing
and exporting business is preparing,
whioh may involve a complete transfor
mation in banking and exchange. When
the commercial relations of two coun
tries are sufficiently regulated, ex
changes will be made in products, and
balances will bo paid in orders on other
countries, whioh will also represent so
much value in merohandiso. The reg
ulating pow r will not bo gold, or gold
alone, but what coin can only repre
sent?the commodities. These com
modities will bo Bymbolized on paper,
and the use of metallic currency, in
consequence, will be proportionately
diminished. Transactions will be made
on samples, and the merchants of the
future will be speculators in produots,
as our brokers are in railway shares.
Tho spirit of the age is speculative, and
the tendency boyond question. What
changes oommerco may undergo, it is
difficult to determine, but it would
seem to gravitate to an exoited but
peaceful contest with tho world for its
field of operation.?New York Com
Tho Bamboo Tree.
Probably this tree subserves moro
purposes of usefulness thnn anv other
in the whole range of nature. The In
dian obtains from it a part of his food,
many of his household utensils, and a
wood at once lighter and capable of
bearing greater strains than heavier
timber of the same size. Besides, in
expeditions in the tropics under the
rays of a vertical sun, bamboo trunks
have more than once been used as bar
rels, in whioh water muoh purer than
could be preserved in vessels of any
other kind, is fresh for the crew. On
the western coast of Southern Asia,
the bamboo furnishes all the materials
for the construction of houses, at onoe
pleasant, substantial and preferable to
stone, whioh the frequently r*ourring
earthquakes brine: down npon the heads
of the owners. The faot that tho ham
boo is hollow has made it eminently
useful for a variety of purposes?it
sorves as a measuro for liquid?, and if
fitted with a lid and a bottom, trunks
and barrels aie quite frequently made
of it. Even small boats very often aro
ma le of the largest trunks, by strength
ening them with strips of other wood
where needed. In ono day they ob
tain tho height of several feet, and with
tho aid of a mieroscopo their develop
ment can bo easily watched. But the
most remarkable feature about the bam
boo is their blossoming. With all this
rapidity of growth they bloom only twice
in a century, the flower appearing at tho
end of fifty yoars. Like other grasses,
they dio after having borne seed. The
highest of tho bamboo is tho Satnmot.
In traots whore it grows in the greatest
porfeotion, it sometimes rises to the
height of one hundred feet, with a stem
only eightoon inches in diameter at tho
base. Tho wood itself is only an inch
?A Hhreveport editor, botng asked
wether Byron wrote a certain line, re
plied that ho could not say that Byron
wrote it, as ho did not oeo him write it,
but tho line was to bo found in ono of
Byron's poems. Evidently something
had happened to teach that editor oau
The Fate of Old Women Among the
Colorado River Indians.
The life of an Indian maiden is blithe
and merry for a few years, bnt when
she becomes a wife she is soon broken
down with tho pains of motherhood and
the heavy labors which fall to her lot,
and sho soon becomes wrinkled, garru
lous, oross, kcold ing, in fact an old hag.
Of oourso such hags aro not pleasant
company in camp, and in the belief of
the Numa such old hags grow uglier
and meaner until they dry up and
whirlwinds carry them away, when they
are transformed into witches ; and lest
such a fate should befall old women,
they are taught that it is their duty to
die when they are no longer needed,
and if they do not die by natural means
in reasonable time, they must commit
snioide. This they seem very willing to
do rather than to meet that terrible fate
of being transformed into witches and
being compelled to live in snake skins,
nnd wriggle about among the rocks,
their only delight being to repeat the
words of passers-by in mockery. I once
saw three old women thus voluntarily
starving themselves. I rode up to what
was almost a deserted camp, the three
old women only remaining, sitting by
the Are and intently gazing into the
embers. They seemed to heed not my
approaoh, but sat there nnmbling and
groaning until they rose, oaoh dragging
up her weight with a staff, and then
they joined in sidewise, shuffling, tot
tering, senile dance around the fire,
propped up by their staffs, and singing
a doleful song. Having finished which,
thoy sat again on their heels and gazed
into the fire, and I rodo away. On com
ing to tho - new camp of the tribo the
next day, and inquiring of Ohui-at-au
um-poak, their chief, why these women
wero left behind and what they were
doing, I was informed they had deter
mined to commit suicide, fearing lest
they should be transformed into witches.
The " Scalpers" and their Trade.
- A new and thrifty trade seems to have
lately sprung up in various parts of the
country in the shape of selling railroad
tickets at second-hand. It is no id that
there are now some forty offices in this
country where tickets over any road,
leading from tho city in which the office
is located, may be'bought at rates lower
than the company's. No partiality is
shown. This is now it works, tickets
of every road being on hand : A person
in New York wishing to go to Cincinnati
can buy a ticket for $20. Because of
rvnmi-u-' if.Inn. Sol l.inlr,\t friii'n Nam Yo-L- lr>
Chicago, via Cincinnati, can be had for
$22. The fare from Oinoinnati to Chi
cago is $9. Suppose the Chicago ticket
is purchased, the holder of it is not com
pelled to visit Chicago. On reaching
Cincinnati he stops. He has paid out
$2 more than he need to have done, but
he has in possession a ticket whioh at
any time will take him to Chicago, and
which is thus equivalent to $9. An
office in Cincinnati will pay him $7 for
tnis ticket, and await a purchaser as $8.
Again : Tickets are often purchased at
the offices of railroad companies, whioh,
for unseen reasons, are not used, and
these come in to swell the business of
the brokers' offices._
? A Newspaper trom the Ark.
"Mount Ararat has been enoronched
upon by journalistic enterprise, and a
newspaper, Whiffs from Ararat, has
been established by the Americau pil
grims at the very foot of the mountain.
This paper contains somo carious and
interesting looal topics, quotes tho
price of girls as wives in tho Armenian
villages, varying from ?2 to ?10, and
discusses tho peasant notion that tho
world rests on a large ox, whioh, being
irritated by a fly, tosses its head and
thus causes earthquakes, and the belief
of the natives in the neighborhood of
tho mount that impassable barriers sur
round Ararat to prevent its being dese
crated by mortal feet, while angele
keep guard on the summit lest one
piece of the indestruotible wood of the
ark should be borne away.
Oape Coast BuUs.
The most curious relic of tho Ashan
teo campaign brought home by the new
ly-returned troops is a Cape Coast bull,
a perfect kitten of the speoies. Ho is
described as not so tall as an umbrella,
and, judging from his build and activi
ty, might be as safely trusted to peram
bulate the fragilo groves of a orcckf rv
warehouse as the most dooile dog. He
was allowed to bo loose on tho deck,
and was the pet and plaything of the
crew, who teased him until he ran nt
and butted them as the goat does.
Twelve of these animals were shipped
as fresh food on tho voyage, and somo
idea may be formed of this representa
tive Lilliputian "livobeef," when it is
stated that of the eleven that wero
killod not ono exceeded forty-sovon
pounds in weight ns a dressed carcass.
The Cradle of our Fashions.
Tho word " milliner" is derived from
tho namo of "Milan." Millinery for
somo centuries was synonymous with,
fine dress-goods of Milan manufacture.
It is still the moRt fashionable city in
Italy, and is the center of its silk busi
ness. From 1505 till 1859, Milan and
Lombardy wore ruled over and plun
dered, first by the Spaniards, next by
the Anstrians, then for a time by the
French, and after them again by the
Austrians, until liberated by tho ba'tle
of Magenta, which restored it to the
Italians. The wealth and beauty of
tho city, and tho wonderful fertility of
the surrounding country, havo always
rendored it an object of oupidity and
longing dosire to foroign powers.
Tim young lady who mistook a bo tie
of muoilago for hair oil has been too
?stuok up" to go to any parties since.
FAOTS AND FANCIES.
?A Boston man boldly declares that
if he couldn't get out of Philadelphia
any other way he would cheerfully
crawl into a mortar and be shot out of it.
?" I wonder i? it's eea-siokness that
makes sailors always a heaving up an
chors 1" exclaimed Aunt Hepzibah, as
sho looked thoughtfully up from heir
' ?A dead body found in tho Missis
sippi is feelingly alluded to in the looal
columns of the St. Lrouis press as "an
other floater found."
?A little -boy of our acquaintance a
few days ago, after attentively watch
ing a conple of industriously inolined
bugs, remarked that even the bugs had
got to playing marbles.
?" Now, Sammv, toll me, have yon
read the story of Joseph ?" " Oh, yes,
uncle." "Well, then, what wrong did
they do when they sold their brother ?"
"They sold him too cheap, I think."
?A peddler calling on an old lady to
dispose of some goods inquired of her
if sho could tell him of any road on
whioh no peddler had traveled. "Yes,"
replied she, " I know of one, and that'B
the road to heaven."
?Out of one hundred and eighty-two
boys in the Connecticut reform school,
the superintendent reports thnt one hun
dred and eighty are liars. The proposal
now is to educate the entire, lot of 'em
for the profession of the law.'
?An elderly clergyman of Chicago,
when asked the other day why he had
never married, replied that he had spent
his lifetime in looking for a woman who
would refrain from working him a pair
of slippers, and he had never found her.
?Walt Whitman's odo to tho St.
Louis bridge :
Lo! a bridgo at St. Louia!
Stretched from tho bivnga of multiplioatod
Already overpassed t>y foot that could oof bo
excelled in Chicago (which ho waa an
Star-joyed with tbo multitudin'oua expecta
tions of tho whereas and wherefore-.
For it Btring serpent lined myriads
And lightning girded monatroBitloa of all
Down through tho anti-Bpaumodio whirls of
Dumfounding, bamboozling all, oven tho Hera
In an unmitigated extension of tho culmina
tion of Gunduraugo.
?A La Crosse editor has a new pair
of pants with a pistol "poekot, and he
wants to know what to do with that
pocket. He is afraid of a pistol, -the
rrn-mrTTrii ? iii.i. I r ^*V. t.o*Kj~ arjft .-nt?r~
hankerohief is also used as a coat
?Joseph Arch proposes to bring over
71,000 English laborers and let them
know what liberty is, but Joseph had
better make arrangements .for their
bread and butter before theyv1 land.
Three square miles of -freedom won't go
as far as a sandwich to a hungry man.?'?
Detroit Free Press.
?A person wants to be careful, of
course, but where in tho crown of one's
hat can ono And room for a slip contain
ing directions for tho treatment of a
drowning man, a oompendinm ot rules
for .avoiding hydrophobia, a firing of re
medies for sunstr. ke, and one's fire
alarm card ? Nobody but a paper hanger
could do the job well.
?An Illinois paper says : " Mr. A.
[ W. Sheltan came into this oflico tho
other day with, ono side of his face ba 1
ly swollen and one eye'greatly inflamed, .
caused, as he says, by tho poison of a
potato bug. He struok a bug with a
piece of lath, and somo of tho "juice"
struok his face near his eyelid. Two
Ehysicians attending him consider tho
ng mnoh more powerful as a blistering
agent than Spanish flies.
?A Burlington, Iowa, board of trade
man got into trouble by letting his busi
ness weigh too hoavily on hie mind the
other night. His wife heard him mur
mur in his sleep, "Ella,, dear Ella,"
fondly and tenderly, and a? her name is
Mehitable, Bhe woke him with tho bald
end of the hair brush; and asked him;
"Who?" "I was thinking of Ella
Vator," the wretched man said calmly,
and chuckled off* to nleep again.
?A young man, who had spent a lit
tle of his own time and a great deal of
his father's money in fitting for the bar,
was asked, alter his examination, how
he got along. "Oh, well enough."
said he; "I answered ono question
right." " Ah, indeed !" said tho old
gentleman, with looks of paternal satis
faction at his son's peculiar smartness ;
"and what was it?" "They asked me
what a qui turn action v:?" "That
was a hard one, and you answered it
correotly, did yju?" "Yes; I told
them I did not know."
?On a oruise tho sailors saw a comet
aud wero somewhat surprised and
alarmed at its appearance. Tho hands
met and appointed a committee to wait
on the commander and ask his opinion
of it. They approached him and said :
" We want to ask your opinion, your
honor." "Well, my boys, what is it
about?" "Wo want to inquiro about
that thing up there." " Now, bofore I
i answer you, first let me know what you
think it in 1" " Well, your honor, we
have talked it all. over, and we think it
is a star sprung a leak."
?"It is an exploded theory," says
ono who speaks with knowledge, "that
womon dress to ploaso tho men. They
dress to ploaso or spito caoh other. Any
girl of souso and experience knows that
it in as easy to break a man's heart in a
S2 muslin, neatly mado up, as it is in a
8500 silk costume made by a man-dress
maker." It is, in faot, a great deal
easier. Tho natural charm of a young
girl is often destroyed by excessive
dressing. Men liko Wasteful and not
extravagant toilets; and the rivalry in
dress among women is not to catch a
beau, but to mortify an enemy.