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title: 'Orangeburg times. (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1872-1875, July 23, 1874, Image 2',
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An Independent Paper Devoted to tlie Interests of* the People.
THE EARLY BIRD.
Daintily ovor tbo dow-wct grass
"Tripped blue-eyed Mllly, tho farmer's lass,
Swinging hor mllknall to aud fro,
As she-murmured n lovo-soug, soft and low.
Many a suitor Mllly had,
From tho ?qulre's son to the hordman s lad;
But she smiled on all with a merry glanco
And gavo each wooer an equal chance.
Now faithful Donald, tho herdsman's lad,
Tile mpro ho lovod her tho moro was sad;
"For what with tho equlroVson,'* thought he,
44 8ho nefor Will turn a thought to mo 1" ,
But down in the meadow ho raked tho hay,
When Mllly wout singing along that way.
no watched her pas*, and sho cried, in .]<??t:
"4 Tis tho early bird '?you know the rest I"
Then suddenly Donuld grow so bold
That tho 14 old. old story " was quickly told;
And bln?--oyed Mllly wno notbiug loth
On that summer's mnrn ng to plight her troth,
?* Oh ! foolish Donald 1" sho criod, in gloe,
14 To wait so long for n hint trom mo !"
Thon morrily over tho dow wot grass
?a ripped Donald and Mllly, his own sweet lass.
THE BOARD FENCE.
" Shoo, shoo, got homo, yo.i plaguy
critters ! " cried Mr. Babcook, waving
his arms ns he ohased a dozen sheep
and lambs through a gap in the fence.
It wns a wooden fenco, and when he i
had sucoeed iii driving the animals- the
other side of it, he lifted it from its re
olining position, and propped it up with
stakes. This was an operation he had
found himself obliged to repeat many
times in tho oourso of the season, and
not only of that season, but of several
Yet Mr. Babcock was neither slack
nor thriftless ; in fact, he rather prided
himself on tho orderly appoaranco of
his farm, nnd not without reason. How
then shall wo account for his negli
gence in this particular instance ?
The truth was that this fence formed
the boundary lino between his estate aud
that of Mr. Small; and three genera
tions of mou who ownod theso estates
had been unable to decide to whom it
belonged to rebuild aud keep it in re
pair. If the owners had chanced to be
men of pcnceablo dispositions, they had
compromised tho matter aud avoided a
quarrel ; but if, on the contrary, they
belonged to that much larger class who
would sooner sncrifice their own com
fort and convenience than their so-called
rights, this fenco had been a source of
unending bickerings and strife.
Aud of this class were the present
? rWners. Again and again they had
consulted thoir respective lawyers on
tilt subject, and dragged from their
hiding-places musty old deeds and re
co/rds, but always with the same result.
Jp"I say it bolougs to you to keep it in
wrepair ; that's as plain as a pike staff,"
" And I says it belong to you,?any
fool might see that," Mr. Small would
reply, nnd then high words wonld fol
low, and thoy would part in anger, more
determined nnd obstinate than before.
The lawyer's fees and tho loss by dam
ages from each others' cattle had al
ready amounted to a sum sufficient to
havo built a fenco round thoir eutire
estates, but what was that compared to
tho satisfaction of having their own
There was not wauting in the neigh-1
borhood poaco-makers who would gladly
havo Bettled tue affair by arbitration ;
but to this neither of tho belligorents
would listen for a moment.
At last, ono day, Miss Letitia Gill, a
woman much respected in tho village,
nnd of some weight as a land-owner nnd
tax-payer, sent for Mr. Bibcock to come
and soe her on business; a summons
which ho mado haste to oboy, as how
could he do otherwise where a lady was
Miss Letitia sat at her window sow
ing up a seam, but bIio dropped her
work and took off hor spectacles whon
Mr. Babcock made his appearance.
" So you got my message ; thank you
for coming, I'm sure. Sit down, do. T
snpposo my man Isaac, told you I
wanted to consult you on a matter of
business,?a matter of oquity, I may
say. It can't bo expected that wc
women folks should be the best judges
about such things, you know ; there's
Isaac, to bo sure, but then ho lives on
the place, and maybo ho wouldn't bo
cxaotlv impartial in his judgment about
'?Jes' so," said Mr. Bibcock.
" Well, tho stato of tho caso is this :
When Iflaao camo no from tho long
meadow to dinner,?they're mowing tho
meadow to-day, and nn uncommonly
good yield there is.?whon he camo up
to dinner, ho found that certain stray
cows hod btoken into tho vegotablo
"Ho did, hey?"
" Yon can fancy the riot thoy made, I
I declare, Isnoo was almost ready to uso
profano language. I'm not sure that he
didn't say ' douce,' nnd I'm not cortnin
he did say 'darn;' and after all, I
'couldn't feel to reproach him very
soverely, for tho pains he has toko'n
with that garden is something amazing;
working in it, Mr. Babcook, onrly and
Into, woeding nnd digging, nnd water
ing, nnd now to son it all torn and
trampled so that you wouldn't know
which was beets and which was cuenm
bnrs, it's euongh to ronso nnybody's
" It is so," snid Mr. Babcook.
" And that isn't all, for by the looks
of thing* thoy must have been rampag
ing a full hour in tho orchard nnd clo
ver-field before they hnd got into tho
garden. Just you eomo and ?eo :" and
puttiner on her sun-bonnet, Miss Lotitifl
showed Mr. Babcook ovor tho damnged
"You don't hr.ppe.n to know Mince
animals did tho mischief?" anid Mr.
" Well. T didn't ob^erva them in par
ticular, but Isaao snid there was ono
w.Uh nparticular white mark; some
thine like a cross on her hnunoh."
"Why, that's Small's old Brindle."
cried Mr. Babcock. " I know the mnrk
ai well as I know the nose on my face.
Sho had balls on her horns, didn't
" Yes, so Isaao said."
" And a kind of hump on her baok ?"
"A perfect dromedary," said Miss
Letitia. " I noticed that myself."
" They wero Small's cows,?no doubt
abont it at all," said Mr. 13 ab cock, rub
bing his handB. " No shosp with them;
" "Well, now I think of- it, there wero
shcop?thoy ran away as soon as they
saw Isaao." Yes, certainly there were
sheep," said Misb Letitia.
f* I know it,?they always go with
the cows; and what you wish of me?'J
"Is to fix the damages," said Miss
Letitia. "As I said before, women
folks are no judges about suoh matters."
Mr. Baboook meditated a moment,
and then soil :
""Well, I wouldn't take a cent lesB
than seventy-five dollars, if I were yon,
?not a o?nt."
" Seventy-five dollars 1 Isn't that a
good deal, Mr. Babooes: ? You know I
don't wish to be hard on the poor man ;
all I want in a fair compensation for the
"Seventy-five dollars is fair, ma'am,
?in faot, I may say it's low ; I wouldn't
have a herd of cattle and sheep tramp
ing through mypremises in that way for
" There's one thing I forgot to state,
?tho orchard gate was open or they
couldn't havo got in ; that may make a
"Not a bit,?not a bit. You'd a
right to have -your gate opon, but
Small's cows had" no right to run loose.
I hope Isaao drove 'em all to the pound,
" I heard him say he'd shut 'em up
somewhere, and didn't mean to let 'em
out till the owner calls for 'em. But,
Mr. Baboock, ?svbat if ho should refuse
to pay the damages ? I should hate to
go to lnw about it."
" He won't refuse ; if ho does, keep
the critters till ho will pay. As to law,
I guess he's had about enough of that."
*? I'm sure I thank you for your ad
vice," said Miss Letitia, " and I mean
to act upon it to the very letter."
And Mr. Baboook took his leavo with
a very happy expression of countenance.
Scarcely was he out of sight when
Miss Letitia sent a summons for Mr.
Small, whioh he obeyed as promptly as
Ihn neighbor had dono. .
Sho made to him preoisely tho same
statement she had made to Mr. Bab
oock, showed him tho injured property,
It ?\ as romarkablo that beforo ho did
thip, ho should ask the same question
Mr. Babcock had asked, namely,
whether she had any suspicion to whom
tho animals belonged.
" Well, ono of them I observed had a
terribly crooked horn."
" Preoisely?it's B.iboook's heifer. I
should know her among a thousand.
She was blook and whito, wasn't sho?"
" Well, now I think of it, she was;
ono seldom sees so olenr a blaok and
whito on a cow."
"To bo sure, they're Babcook's aui
mals fast enough. Woll, let me see?
whnt you want is just about a fair esti
mate. I suppose ?"
" Well, I should sny ninety dollars
was as low as ho ought to bo allowed to
get oft* with."
" O, but I fear that will seem as if I
meant to take advantage. Snpposo we
call it?say seventy fivo?"
"Just as you piesse, of eourso ; but
hanged if I'd lot him off for less than a
hundred, if 'twas my case."
"And if ho refuses to pay?"
" Why, keep his animals till ho comes
round, that's all."
" But there's ono thing I noglocted to
mention : our gate was standing open ;
that may alter tho case."
"Not at all,?there's no law against
your keeping yonr gato opon ; there iB
against stray animalp."
" Very well,?thank you for yonr ad
vico," said Miss Letitia ; aud Mr. Small
departed with as smiling a countenance
as Mr. Baboook had worn.
B it at milking timo that night he
mado a 3trango discovery?old Brindle
was missing 1
At about tho samo hour Mr. Baboock
made a similar discovery?tho blaok
and whito heifor was nowhere to be
A horrible nuspicion seized them
both,?a .suspicion whioh thoy would
not havo mado know to oaoh other for
They waited till it was dark, and then
Mr. Baboook stolo round to Miss
Lf?titia's, and meekly asked leavo to
look at tho animals which had commit
ted the trespass. Ho wonld have done
it without asking leave, only that
thrifty Miss Letitia always looked hor
barn doors at night.
While ho stood looking over into tho
pon whoro tho co.vs wero confined, and
trying to negotinto with Miss "Letitia
for" tho rolonso of tho hnifor, along
oimo Mr. Small, in quost of Brindlo.
Tho two mon stared at each other for an
instant in blank dismay, and then hung
thnir heads in coufusion.
It was useless to assort that tho dam
ages wero too high, for had thoy not fixed
them themselves? It was useless to
plead that Miss Letitia wan in a manner
responsible for whnt had happonod, on
account of the opon gate, for had they
not assured hor thai oircumstance did
not affect the ense ? It was useless to
sny that nho had no right to keep the
cows in custody, for had they not coun
selled hor to do so? As to going to law
about it, wonld they not thus beoomo
the sprtrfc of the whole town?
" 'Ho that diggeth a pit. ho himself
shall full into it,' " said Miss Letitia.
who rend what was passing in their
minds as well as if thoy had spokon,
or the light of Isaac's lantern fell full
on their faces. " However, I don't wish
to be hard upon yon, and on one condi
tion I will free the cows and forgive
you tho debt."
" What is that?" Both looked the
question, but did not ask it.
" The condition is that you promise
to put a good new fenco in place of the
old one that separates your estates, di
viding the costs between you, and that
henceforth you will live peaceably to
gether as far as in you lies. Do you
"Yes," muttered both, in a voice
"Shake hands upon it, then," said
They did so.
"Now let the cows out, Isaac; it's
time they wero milked," said (die. And
the two men went away driving thoir
animals before them, with a shame-faced
air greatly in contrast to the look of
triumph with whioh they had last quit
ted her presence.
The fenos was built, and the strife
ceased when the cause was removed
but it was long before Minn Letitia's
part of the affair came to the public
ear; for she herself maintained a strict
silence concerning it, and enjoined the
same upon her man-servant Inane.
Mules ana Women.
Somo unknown party writes me as
" Mr. M quad pleas advise me in your
next oolnm whnt to do with a kicking
mual?Shell i pound him or not
"my wife is allso treoherons as tho
mual i believe hor tongue is hung on
the middle and flies at both ends
"L. L. P."
No, sir, don't pound your mule. I
know it is customary for owners of
mules to commence on tho animal at
sunrise with a crowbar and pound him
until bedtime, but I have always found
kindness more successful. Seek to gain
the friendship of your mnlo, and as
soon as you succeed you can do any
thing with him. When you go into tho
barn in tho morning, have a kind word
for him, instead of knocking him down
with the neck-yoke. Ask alter tho
health of his family?show him that
you are interested in his welfare?be
civil and yet dignified, and as soon as
that mule finds out that some ono in
this cold world loves him ho will be a
All mnlos kick, my donr sir, just as
all men love to hold a fat offioo, but*
there's, a-^fimeds??o*-?*-;- ?afcar? n\A
stove boiler, fill it with bricks, and hang
it by a rope so that it will jnBt swing
against the animal's heels. Every-time
ho kicks it will fly back, like the pen
dulum of a clock, and tho patience of
tho most enduring mule will, in time,
wear out. I tried this once, and the
mule kicked twenty-four days and
nights before ho surrendered, but after
that you might tun a steamboat on his
heels, and he wouldn't raise a hoof.
Feed your mnle well. I know of
farmers who t irow a keg of nails or an
old sap-pan into the manger, and ex
pect a mule to grow fat on such forage,
but it embitters their feelings and
makes 'em moro sot in thoir ways. Of
course I don't say that you must feed a
mule on fried eggs, currant jelly, raisin
cake, and the like of that, but don't
expect ho can ft od on rails and feel en
thusiastic all the time.
About your wife. Don't try to stop
her from talking unless you want to kill
her. It's natural for a woman to talk,
sir. My first wife usod to nearly kill
mo, but I now romombor with strict
grief how I deliberately planned her
; death. I bet $10 that she couldn't
I keep right on talking foi three weeks,
\ and sho commenced. I had to go away
from home, but sho was a woman that
wouldn't lie, nnd I trusted to her honor.
I returned homo at tho end of three
weeks. T?oro was no one aronud the
house, hut on a chair where I I eft my
dear wifo sitting, wns a corset, a dress,
a dozen buttons and a back-comb?the
last sad relicts of my loving partner.
She had talked hersolf to death, and
as I began to weep tho o irsot spoke up
i and said :
"Como down with that little ton dol
lars, if you ploaso." M. Quad.
A Popular Comet.
The World has received information
that the comet is very popular among
i young lovers, aud they never tiro of tho
heavenly hunt, but enduro with aston
ishing resignation tho constantly recur
ring collisions consequent upon the sud
den movements of their hends in oppo
site dirotcions. Now nnd then the
young fellow is snro he sees it, nnd then
in tho exeitement of tho moment he
passes his arm about his companion's
neck, and with his hand uudor her chin
raifios her face toward that of tho starry
firmament wh to he thinks ho has dis
covered tho oalostial wanderer. Full of
enthusiasm tho girl remains gazing in
this position long nnd earnestly, tho
silver moonlight illuminating her ooun
?tenanco with a rodianoo that gives to
every feature an angelic charm, and
suggesting the idea that, she herself
might be a beautiful star, moulded into
human form and sent upon 'he earth for
the deleotation of mankind. But at this
interesting point of tho searoh tho voice
of a sleopy and unromantio father pon
etrates tho shadows of the garden?
"Ja a-a-no! it is ten o'clook," and tho
charm is brokon.
- ." Sad thine to lone your wife," aaid
a frieud to a Vormontor who > tood at
the gravo of his wifo. " Well, tolera*
bly sad," replied the mourner, "but
then, her clothes just fit. my oldest girl."
? \ sonsitivo girl has brokon off tho
match because he said she had a foot
liko a raisin-box.
The Heiouants of the Future.
A German statistician has lately given
a tabular view.of the commercial move
ment of the world as shown in the ex
port and import trade of nations. . In
some regions, as in Africa, it is difficult
to make an estimate; but what is equal
ly striking is the fact that while old
oommoroial countries maintain their
trade, now ones are dawning, as it were,
into the. activity of commercial day.
On looking at the trade figures of half
civil i zed conn tries, we see in them the
great key to the commerce of the f utnre.
The trade of some countries does not
always grow in proportion to the supe
rior intelligence and commercial spirit
of their people, but oftener according
as its natural productions are in de
mand by other people. This influences
the export trade alone. The imports
depend more on, first, the available ex
portable matter, and secondly the nec
essities of the people,.or rather on their
appreciation of the wants of civilized
life. Biit here again calculations are
often at fault, for it is not the people
upon whom most dependence is placed
that always turn out' the boat custom
ers. E von in two peoples like the Chi
ne so and Japanese there is a great dif
ference of willingness,; to avail them
selves of the result of progress. Sooial
habits and ethnological ? considerations
both enter as factors. The surprising
developments of such countries as
Egypt show us the probable impetus
which will mark the trade of what may
bo called undeveloped commercial re
gions of,the world.
It is thiB very faot that will preserve
such manufacturing countries as Eng
land from decline. Trade is only be
ginning with some lands, and their in
habitants are but jnst becoming ac
quainted with tho products of civiliza
tion. Till such time as these new coun
tries themselves begin to manufacture,
they will doubtless bo customers of
Great Britain, France, Germany and
sell cheapest. In the meantime, how
ever, there is little doubt that when
onoe the barriors which separate China
from the rest of the world are brokeu
down, it will enter in the markets with
all the advantages which its immense
and skillful population will give it. In
different kinds of manufactures it is
more than probable It will completely
travelers through China liavo not only
been nifiazod at the progress tho Chinese
are making, but are filled with appre
Another revolution in tue importing
and exporting business is preparing,
which may involve a complete transfor
mation in banking and exchange. When
the commercial relations of two coun
tries aro snffioiently regulated, ex
changes will be mado in prodnots, and
balances will be paid in orders on other
countries, which will also represent bo
much valuo in merchandise;. Tho reg
ulating pow r will not bo gold, or gold
alone, but what coin can only repre
sent?the commodities. These com
modities will bo symbolized on paper,
and the use of metallio ourrency, in
consequence, will be proportionately
diminished. Transactions will be made
on samples, and the merchants of the
fntnre will be speculators in products,
as our brokers are in railway shares.
The spirit of tho ago is speculative, and
tho tendency beyond question. What
changes commerco may undergo, it is
difficult to determine, but it would
seem to gravi tato to an exoited but
peaceful contest with tho world for its
field of operation.?New York Com
Tho Bamboo Troo.
Probably this tree subBerves moro
purposes of usefulness than anv other
in the whole range of nature. The In
dian obtains from it a part of his food,
many of his household utensils, and a
wood at once lighter and capable of
bearing greater strains than heavier
timber of the same size. Besides, in
expeditions in the tropics under the
rays of a vortical r,r.n, bamboo trunks
have more than once been used as bar
rels, in which water much pnrer than
could be preserved in vessels of any
other kind, iB fresh for the crew. On
the western coast of Southern Asia,
the bamboo furnishes all the materials
for the construction of honses, at once
pleasant, substantial and preferable to
stone, which the frequently r*ourring
earthquakes brine: down upon the heads
of tho owners. The faot that the bam
boo is hollow has made it eminently
useful for a variety of pnrnoses?it
sorvos as a measure for liquid?, and if
fitted with a lid and a bottom, trunks
and barrels a?e quite frequently mado
of it. Even small boats very often ore
mado of tho largest trunks, by strength
ening them with strips of other wood
where needed. In ono day they ob
tain tho height of several feet, and with
the aid of a mioroscopo their develop
ment can bo easily watched. Bnt tho
most remarkable feature about the bam
boo is their blossoming. With all this
rapidity of growth they bloom only twice
in n century, the flower appearing at tho
end of fifty years. Like other glasses,
they die after having borne sepd. The
highest of the bamboo is tho Sammot.
In traots where it grows in the greatest
perfection, it sometimes rises to tho
height of one hundred feet, with a stem
only eighteen inches in diameter at the
base. Tho wood itself is only an inch
?A Shroveport editor, being asked
wether Byron wrote a certain line, re
plied that ho could not say that Byron
wrote it, as ho did not neo him write it,
bnt tho line was to bo found in ono of
Byron's poems. Evidently something
had happened to tench that editor cau
articles as each can
Tho Fate of Old Women Among tbo
Colorado River Indians.
The life of an Indian maiden is blithe
and merry for a few years, bnt when
she becomes a wife she is soon broken
down with the pains of motherhood and
the heavy labors which fall to her lot,
and she soon becomes wrinkled, garru
lous, cross, scolding, in fact an old hag.
Of courso such hags aro not pleasant
company in camp, and in the belief of
the Numa snch old hags grow ngiier
and meaner until they dry up and
whirlwinds carry them away, when they
are transformed into witches ; and lest
such a fate should befall old women,
they are taught that it is their duty to
die when they are no longer needed,
and if they do not die by natural means
in reasonable time, they must oommit
suioide. This they seem very willing to
do rather than to meet that terrible fate
of being transformed into witches and
being compelled to live in snake skins,
and wriggle about among the rocks,
their only delight being to repeat the
words of passers-by in mockery. I once
saw three old women thus voluntarily
starving themselves. I rode up to what
was almost a deserted camp, the three
old women only remaining, sitting by
the fire and intently gazing into the
embers. Thoy seemed to heed not my
approach, but sat there numbling and
groaning until they rose, each dragging
up her weight with a staff, and then
they joined in sidewise, shuffling, tot
tering, senile dance around the fire,
propped up by their staffs, and singing
a doleful song. Having finished which,
they sat again on their heels and gazed
into the fire, and I rodo away. On com
ing to the - new oamp of the tribo the
next day, and inquiring of Ghui-at-au
um-peak, their chief, why these women
wero left behind and what they were
doing, I was informed they had deter
mined to oommit suioide, fearing lest
they should be transformed into witches.
The " Scalpers" and their Trade.
- A now and thrifty trade seems to have
lately sprung up in various parts of the
country in the shape of selling railroad
tickets at second-hand. | It is said that
there are now some forty offices in this
country where tickets ovor any road,
leading from the city in whioh the office
is located, may be bought at rates lower
than the company's. No partiality is
shown. This is now it works, tickets
of every road being on hand : A person
in New York wishing to go to Cincinnati
can buy a ticket for $20. Because of
nn mil of i f inn. 'a ?.: .^Ir nt. iravni "NTntn Y^vlr tr>
Chicago, via Cincinnati, can be had for
$22. The fare from Cincinnati to Chi?
cago is $9. Suppose the Chicago tioket
is purchased, the holder of it is not com
pelled to visit Chicago. On reaching
Cincinnati he stops. He has paid out
$2 more than he need to have done, but
he has in possession a ticket whioh at
any time will take him to Chicago, and
whioh is thus equivalent- to $9. An
office in Cincinnati will pay him $7 for
tnis tioket, and await a purohaser as $8.
Again : Tickets are often purchased at
the offices of railroad companies, whioh,
for unseen reasons, are not used, and
these come in to swell the business of
the brokers' offices._
* A Newspaper trom the Ark.
Mount Ararat has been encroached
upon by jonrnalistio enterprise, and a
newspaper, Whiffs from Ararat, has
boon established by the American pil
grims at the very foot of the mountain.
This paper contains somo carious and
interesting local topics, quotes the
price of giris as wives in the Armenian
villages, varying from ?2 to ?10, and
discusses the peasant notion that tho
world rests on a large ox, whioh, being
irritated by a fly, tosses its head and
thus causes earthquakes, and the belief
of the natives in the neighborhood of
the mount that impassable barriers sur
round Ararat to prevent its being dese
crated by mortal feet, while angels
keep guard on tho summit lest one
piece of the indestruotible wood of the
ark should bo borne away.
Cape Coast Bulls.
The most curious relic of tho Ashnn
teo campaign brought home by the new
ly-returned troops is a Capo Coast bull,
a perfect kitten of the species. Ho is
described as not so tall as an umbrella,
and, judging from his build and activi
ty, might be as safely trusted to peram
bulate the fragilo groves of a crcokrrv
warehouse as the most dooile dog. He
wan allowed to be loose on the deck,
and was the pet and plaything of tbo
crow, who teased him until he ran nt
and butted them as the goat does.
Twelve of these animals were shipped
as fresh food on the voyage, and some
idea may be formed of this representa
tive Lilliputian "live beef," when it is
stated that of the eleven that wore
killod not one exceeded forty-seven
pounds in weight as a dressed carcass.
The Cradle of our Fashions.
Tho word " milliner" is derived from
tho name of "Milan." Millinery for
somo centuries was synonymous with
fine dress-goods of Milan manufacture.
It is still the most fashionable city in j
Italy, and is tho center of its silk busi
ness. From 1505 till 1859, Milan and
Iiombardy were ruled over and plun
dered, first by the Spaniards, next by
the Auatrians, then for a time by the
Fronoh, and after them again by the
Austrians, until liberated by tho ba'tle
of Magenta, which restored it to the
Italians. The wealth nnd beauty of
the city, and tho wonderful fertility of
tho surrounding country, havo always
rendered it an object of onpidity and
longing desire to foroign powers.
Tnn voung lady who mistook a bo tie
of mucilage for hair oil has been too
'stuok up" to go to any parties sinco.
FAOTS AND FANCIES.
?A Boston man boldly declares that
if he couldn't get out of Philadelphia
any other way he would cheerfully
crawl into a mortar and be shot out of it.
?" I wonder if it's eea-siokness that
makes sailors always a heaving up an
chors 1" exclaimed Aunt Hepzibah, as
she looked then ghtfally up from her
?A dead body found in the Missis
sippi is feelingly alluded to in the local
columns of tho St. Liouis press as " an
other floater found."
?A little -boy of our acquaintance a
few days ago, after attentively watch
ing a couple of industriously inclined
bngs, remarked that even the bugs had
got to playing marbles.
?"Now, Sammv, tell me, have you
read the story of Joseph ?" " Oh, yes,
uncle." " Well, then, what wrong did
they do when they Bold their brother ?"
"They sold him too cheap, I think."
t?A peddler calling on an old lady to
dispose of some goods inquired of her
if Bhe could tell him of any road on
which no peddler had traveled. "Yes."
replied she, " 1 know of one, and that's
the road to heaven."
?Out of one hundred and eighty-two
boys in the Connecticut reform school,
the superintendent reports that one hun
dred and eighty are liars. Tho proposal
now is to educate the entire; lot of 'em
for the profeBBion of the law.'
?An elderly clergyman of Chicago,
when asked the other day why he had
never married, replied that he had spent
Ids lifetime in looking for a woman who
would refrain from working him a pair
of slippers, and he had never found her.
?Walt Whitman's odo to tho St.
Louis bridgo :
Lo! a bridgo at St. Louis!
Strotched from tho brings of multiplicatod
Alroady overpassed by foot that cotiM no', bo
excelled in Chicago (which ho was an
Star-joyed with tho multitudinous expecta
tions of tho whereas and wherefore
For it Btring serpent huod myriads
And lightning girded monstrosities of all
Down through tho anti-spaBmodio whirls of
Dumfounding, bamboozling all, oven tho Here
In an unmitigated oxtonsion of Iho cuhmna
. tion of Cunduraugo.
?A La Crosse editor has a now pair
of pants with a pistol"pocket, and he
wants to know what to do with that
pocket. He is afraid of a pistol, tho
rororjuuu,mouHHm^mttm ' mtmnnfifr.- niifl^Btg~r
hankerchief is also used as a coat
?Joseph Arch proposes to bring over
71,000 English laborers and let them
know what liberty is, but Joseph had
better make arrangements .for their
bread and butter before thoy^land.
Three square miles of -freedom won't go
as far as a eandwioh to a hungry man.?
Detroit Free Press.
?A person wants to be careful, of
course, but where in tho crown of one's
hat can ono find room for a Blip contain
ing directions for the treatment of a
drowning man, a oompendium ot rules
for .avoiding hydrophobia, a tiring of re
medies for sunstr- ke, and ono's fire
alarm card ? Nobody bnt a paper hangor
could do the job well.
?An Illinois paper says : " Mr. A.
W. Sheltan came into this office the
other day with one side of his face bal
ly swollen and one eye'greatly inflamed, .
caused, as he says, by tho poison of a
potato bug. He struck a bng with a
piece of lath, and some of tho "juice"
struck his faco near his eyelid. Two
physicians attending him consider tho
bug much more powerful as a blistering
agent than Spanish flies.
?A Burlington, Iowa, board of trade
man got into trouble by letting his busi
ness weigh too heavily on his mind tho
other night. His wife heard him mur
mur in his Bleep, " Ella, dear Ella,"
fondly and tenderly, and bb her name is
Mehitable, she woke him with tho bald
end of the hair brush, and asked him;
"Who?" "I was thinking of Ella
Vator," the wretched man said calmly,
and chuckled Off to nleep again.
?A young man, who had spent a lit
tle of his own time and a great deal of
his father's monoy in fitting for the bar,
was asked, atter his examination, how
he got along. "Oh, well enough.','
said he; "I answered one question
right." "Ah, indeed!" said the old
gentleman, with looks of paternal satis
faction at his son's peculiar smartness ;
"and what was it?" "They asked mo
what a qui turn action was." "That
was a hard ono, and you answered it
correotly, did yju?" "Yea; I told
them I did not know."
?On a ornise the sailors saw a comet
and wore somewhat surprised and
alarmed at its appearance. Tho hands
met and appointed a committeo to wait
on the commander and ask his opinion
of it. They approached him and said ;
" We want to ask your opinion, your
honor." "Well, my boys, what is it
about?" "Wo want to inqniro about
that thing up thore." " Now, before I
answer you, first let me know what you
think it is I" " Well, your honor, wo
have talked it all. over, and we think it
is a star sprung a leak."
?"It is an exploded theory," says
ono who speaks with knowledge, " that
womon dress to ploaso tho men. They
dress to ploaso or spite each other. Any
girl of sense and experience knows that
i? in as eapy to break a man's heart, in a
82 mufilin, neatly mado. up, as it is in a
8500 silk costume made by a mau-dress
maker," It is, in fact,' a great deal
easior. Tho natural oharm of a young
girl in often destroyed by excessive
dressing. Men liko 'tasteful and not
extravagant toilets; and the rivalry in
dress among women is not to catoh a
beau, but to mortify an enemy.