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tk COMEDY OF TflE SAME
Sfj AAME. T T T
I^??f 1UVST?ATED F?Q/H
? EW PHOTOORAPHvS OF
USU THE PLAY A*> PRODUCED
Th? Wreck of the Taxlcab.
The young woman In >he tax. cab
scuttling frantically down the da.*k
?treet. clung to the arm of the youiv
man alongside, as If she were terrl
fled at tbe lawbreaklng, neck-risking
?peed. But evidently some greater
fear goaded her, for she gasped:
"Can't he go a dttle faster?"
"Can't you go a little faster?" The
young man alongside howled as be
thrust bis bead and shoulders through
the window in tbe door.
But the self-created taxi-gale swept
his voice aft, and the taut chauffeur
parked his ear In vein to catch the
"What's that?" he -^ared.
"Can t you go a nttl* faster?"
The Uidlgnant charioteer simply
had to shoot one barbel glare of re?
proach into that passenger. He turned
his head and growled:
"Say, do youse want to lose me me
For Just one instant he turned his
head. One instant was Just enough.
The unguarded taxlcab seized the op?
portunity, bolted from the track, and
flung, as It were, its arms drunkenly
sround a perfectly respectable lamp
poet attending strictly to its business
on the curb. There ensued a con?
densed Fourth of July. Sparks Hew,
tires exploded, metals ripped, two
wheels spun in air and one wheel,
neatly severed at the axle, went reel- ,
Ing down the sidewalk half a block j
before it leaned against a tree and
A dosen or more miracles coincided
to save the passengers from injury.
The young man found himself stand?
ing on the pavement with the un?
hinged door still around bis neck. The
young woman's arms were^round his 1
neck. Her hesd was on his shoulder,
it had reposed there often enough,
but never before in the street under a
Utmppost. The chauffeur found a 1 ra?
se If in the rosd, walking about on all
fours, like a bewildered quadruped.
Evidently some overpowering need
for speed possessed the young wom?
an, for even now she did not scream,
she did not faint, she did not mur?
mur, "Where am I?" She simply said:
Am! the young' man, not realizing '
how befuddled he rea'ly was, or how
his hand trembled, fetched out his
watch and held it under tbe glow of
the lamppost, which was now bent
over In a convenient but disreputable
"A quarter to t *n, sweetheart.
Plenty of time for tbe train."
"But the minister, honey! What
about tbe minister''
The consideration oi this riddle was
interrupted by a muffled hubbub of
yelps, whimpers and canine hysterics,
immediately the yountf woman forgot
ministers, collisions, train-schedules?
everything. She showed ber first sign
"Snoozleums! Oet Snoozleums!"
They groped about In the topsy?
turvy taxlcab. rummaged among a
Jumble of suitcases, handbags, um?
brellas and minor impedimenta, and
fished out a small dog-basket with an
inverted dog inside. Snoozleums was
ridiculous in any position, but as he
slid tall foremost from the wicker
basket, he resembled nothing so much
as s heap of tangled yarn tumbling
out of a work-basket, lie was an In
dlgnaut skein, and had much to say
before he consented to snuggle under
his mistress' chin.
About this time the chauffeur came
prowling into view. He was too deep?
ly shocked to emit any language of
the garage He wa? too deeply
shocked to achieve any comment more
"That meas don't look much like it
ever was a taxlcab, does it?"
The young man Hhrugged bis shoul?
ders, and stared up and down the
long street for another. Tho young
woman looked sorrowfully at the
wreck, and queried:
? I >?> >ou ?hink you can make it go?
The chauffeur glanced her way,
more in pity for her whole sex than In
scorn for this one type, as ho mum?
"Make it go? it'll take a steam
winch a week to unwrap it from that
The young man apologized
"I oughtn't to h ive *-lh d at you '
He was evidently u very nice young
man. Not to be outdone In courtesy,
the chauffeur retoited
1 hadn't ought to have turned me
Tbe young woman thoi.ght, "Whut
a nice chauffeur!" but she gasped:
'irrest heavens, you're hurt!"
"It's nuttln' but i scratch an me
"Lend me a clean hanuker I hi.
The young man whipped out his re
nerve supply, and In a trice It wi.s a
bandage on tbe chauffeur's hand l"ho
chauffeur decided that the young worn
an waa even nicer than the young
wan. Dut he could Dot settle orj a way
to say It. -So he said nothing, and
grinned sheepishly as he said It
The young man named Harry was
wondering how they were to proceed.
He had already studied the region
1th dismay, when the girl resolved.
"We'll have to take another tax*.
"Yes, Marjorle, but ? e can't take It
.?ill we get it."
"You might wait here ail night wit'
out ketcbln' a gllmp' of one, ' the
chauffeur ventured. "I come this way
because you wanted me to take a
"It's the longest short cut 1 ever
saw," the young man sighed, aa be
gazed this way and that.
The place of their shipwreck was so
deserted that not even a crowd had
gathered. Tfce racket of the collision
had not brought a single pjllccman.
They were in a dead world of granite
warehouses, wholesale stores and fac?
tories, all locked and forbidding, and
full of silent gloom.
In the daytime this was a big trade
artery of Chicago, and all day long It
was thunderous with trucks and com?
merce. At night It was Pompeii, so
utterly abandoned that the night
watchmen rarely slept outside, and
no footpad found It worth while to
set up shop.
The three castaways stared every
which way, and every which way was
peace. The ghost of a pedestrian or
two hurried by in the far distance.
A cat or two went furtively in search
of warfare or romance. The lamp?
posts stretched on and on In both di?
rections in two forevers.
In the faraway there was a muf?
fled rumble and the faint clang of a
bell. Somewhere a street car was
bumping along its rails.
"Our only hope," said Harry. "Come
alonj, Marjorle." I
He handed the chauffeur five dollars
as a poultice to his wounds, tucked
the girl under one arm and the dog
basket under the other, and set out,
calling b*?ck to the chauffeur:
"Good night!" the girl called back.
"Good night!" the chauffeur echoed.
He stood watching tbem with the ten?
der gaze that even a cuauffeur may
feel for young lo"e hintmilttg to a'
He stood beaming so, till tbelr foot?
steps died la the silence. Then he
turned back to the chaotic remnants
of his machine. He worked at It hope?
lessly for some time, before he had
reason to look within. There he
found the handbags and suitcases, um?
brellas and other equipment. He ran
to the corner to call after the owners.
They were as absent of body as they
had been absent of mind.
He remembered the street-number
Henry Mallory and Marjorie Newton.
they g#d given hin as their destina?
tion. He united till at hist a yawning
poih otnan sauntered that way like n
lonely beach patrol, and left him in
< barge while be went to telephone his
garage for a wagon and a wrecking
It was ( lo>e on midnight before ho
reached the number bis far SI bad
given him. It was a parsonage lean?
ing against a church He rang the
bell and finally produced from an up?
per window a nightshirt topped by a
frowsy hand. Ho explained tho situ?
ation, and his possession of certain
propcrHes belonging to parties un
kuown except by their llrst names.
The clergyman drows.ly murmured:
"Oh. yen. I rente i.her The young
man was I.leutenan' Henry Mallory,
and be said he would Htop here With
a young lady, and get married on tho
way feej the train. T'ut they never
turnad up '*
"Lieutenant Mallory, eh.' Where
could 1 leach bim?"
"He said he was leaving tonight lor
"The Philippic**! Well, I'M he?"
The minister closed the Window
just in lime.
The Early Birds and the Worm.
In the enormous barn of the rail?
road Station stood iuhdv strings of
cars, as If a gigantic young (iulliver
stabled his toys there and Invisibly
amused himself; now vcisking this
one away, now backing that other in.
Some of the trains were noble equip?
ages, fitted to glide across the whole
map with cargoes of Lilliputian mil?
lionaires and their Lilliputian ladies.
Others were humble and shabby
linked-up day-coaches and dingy
emokingca?, packed with workers,
Cars are mere vehicles, but locomo?
tives have souls. The express en?
gines roll in or stalk out with gran?
deur and ease. They are like em?
perors. They seem to look with scorn
at the suburban engines snorting and
grunting and shaking the arched
roof with their plebeian choo-choo as
they puff from shop to cottage and j
The trainmen take their cue from <
the behavior of theii locomotives. The 1
conductor of a transcontinental nods
to the conductor of a shuttle-train '
with less cordiality than to a brake
man of his own. The engineers of
the HmitedR look like senators in,
overalls. They are far-traveled men,!
leading a mighty life of adventure. '
They are pilots of lajid-?hlps across
land-oceans. They have a right to a
certain condescension of manner. '
Dut no one feels or shows so much
arrogance as the sleeping car porters.
They cannot pronounce "supercili?
ous," but they can be it. Their dis?
dain for tho entire crew of any train ;
that carries merely day-coaches or
half-baked chair-cars, is expressed as
only a darkey in a uniform can ex?
press disdain for poor white trash.
Of all the haughty porters that ever
curled a tip, the haughtiest by far
was the dusky attendant in the San
Francisco sleeper on the Trans-Amer?
ican Limited. His was the train of
trains in that whole system. His car
the car of cars. His passengers the
eurpassengers of all.
His train stood now waiting to set
forth upon a voyage of two thousand
miles, a Journey across seven imperial
states, a Journey that should end only
at that marge where the continent
dips and vanishes under the breakers
of the Pacific ocean.
At the head of his car, with his lit?
tle box-step waiting for the foot of
the first arrival, the porter stood, his
head swelling under his cap, his
breast swelling beneath his blue
blouse, with its brass buttons like
reflections of his own eyes. His nan.j
was Ellsworth Jefferson, but he was
called anything from "Poarr-turr" to
"Pawtah," and be usually did not
come When he was called.
Tonight he was wondering perhaps
what passengers, with what disposi?
tions, would fall to his lot. Perhaps
he was wondering what his Chicago
sweetheart would be doing in the
eight days before his return. Per?
haps ho was wondering what his San
Francisco sweetheart had been doing
in the five days since he left her, and
how she would pass the three days
that must intervene before he
reached her again.
He had Othello's ebon color. Did
he have Othello's green eye?
Whatever his thoughts, he chatted
gaily enough with his neighbor and
colleague of the Portland sleeper.
Suddenly he stopped in the midst
of a soaring chuckle.
"Lordy, man. looky what's a-com
The Portland porter turned to gaze.
"I got my fingers crossed."
"I hope you git him."
"I hope I don't."
"He ll work you hi."d and cuss you
out, and ho won't 0ive you even a
"That's right. He ain't got a usher
to carry his things. And he's got
enough to 1111 a van."
The oncomer was plainly of Eng?
lish origin. It takes all sorts of peo?
ple to make up the Hritish Krupire,
and there is no sort lacking?glorious
or pretty, or sour or sweet Hut this
was the type of English gloho-trotter
that makes himself as unpopular
among foreigners as he is among his
own people. Ho is almost as unen?
durable as tho Americans abroad who
twang their banjo brag through Eu?
rope, and berate France and Italy for
their Innocence of buckwheat cakes.
The two porters regarded Mr. Har?
old Wedgewood with dread, as ho
bore down Oh them. He was almost
lost In the plethora of his own lug?
gage He asked for the Ban Fran?
cisco sleeper, and the Portland porter
had to turn away to smother his gur?
Ellsworth Jefferson's heart sank.
He made a feeble effort at self pro?
tection The Pullman conductor not
being present at the moment, he ln
' Have you got yo' ticket?"
"Could I see it?"
"of cawse not. Too much troublo
to fish it out"
The porter was fading. "Do you
remember yo' numba?"
"Of cawse. Take these " He began
to ]>ile thlngfl On the potter like a
mountain unloading sn avalanche.
The porter stumbled SB be clambered
up the steps, and squeesed thrcugb
the strait path of the c< rrldor Into
the slender aisle He turned again
and again to question the invader,
but he was motioned and bunted
down the car, till be was baited with
a "This will do."
The Englishman selected section
three for his own. The porter v< n
tured: "Are you Hbo' this is yo' nua;
"Of u;v se I'm Shaw. II?;v dare you
"I wasn't questionin' you. boss, 1
was jus: astln' you."
He resigned himself to the despot,
and began to transfer his burdens to
the seat. But he did nothing to the
satisfaction of the Englishman. Every?
thing must be placed otherwise; the
catch-all here, the portmanteau there,
the Gladstone there, the golfsticks
there, the greatcoat there, the rain?
coat there. The porter was putting
like a donkey-engine, and mutiny was
growing in his heart. His last com?
mission vas the hanging up of the
He stood on the arm of the seat to
reach tfce high hook. From here he
paused to glare down wltn au attempt
"Is they anything else?"
"No You may get down.**
The magnificent patronage of this
wilted the porter completely. He re?
turned to the lower level, and shuf?
fled along the aisle in a trance. He
was quickly recalled by a sharp:
"What time does this bally train
"But it's only ten now."
"Yassah. It'll be ten-thutty a lit?
"Do you mean to tell me that I've
got to sit hyah for half an hour?Just
The porter essayed another bit of
"Well," he drawled, "I might tell
the conducta you're ready. And mob
be he'd start the tram. But the time?
table says ten-thutty."
He watched the effect of his satire,
but it fell back unheeded from the
granite dome of the Englishman,
whose only comment was:
"Oh, never mind. I'll wait."
The porter cast his eyes up in de?
spair, and turned away, once more to
"I think we'll put on my allppahs."
"You might hand me that large bag.
No, stupid, the othah one. You might
open it. No, it's In the othah one. Ah,
that's it. You may set it down."
Mr. Wedgewood brought forth a
soft cap and a pair of red slippers.
The porter made another effort to
escape, his thoughts as black as his
face. Again the relentless recall:
"Oh, pawtah, I think we'll unbutton
He was too weak to murmur "Yas?
sah." He simply fell on one knee
and got to work.
There was a witness to his helpless
*ge?a newcomer, the American
counterpart of the Englishman in all
that makes travel difficult for th? fel?
low travelers. Ira Lathrop was zeal?
ous to resent anything short of per?
fection, quick and loud of complaint,
apparently impossible to please.
In everything else he was the op?
posite of the Englishman. He was
burly, middle-aged, rough, careless in
attire, careless of speech?as uncouth
and savage as one can well be who Is
plainly a man of means.
It was not enough that a freeborn
Afro-American should be caught kneel?
ing to an Englishman. But when he
had escaped this penance, and ad?
vanced hospitably to the newcomer,
he must be greeted with a snarl.
"Say, are you the porter of this car,
or that man's nurse?''
"I can t tell yet. What's yo' num
The answer was the ticket. The
porter screwed up his eyes to read
the pencilled scrawl.
"Numba se'm. He^h she is, boss."
"Right next to a lot of women, I'll
bet. Couldn't you put me In the men's
end of the car?"
"Not ve'y well, suh. I reckon the
cah is done sold out."
With a growl ol rage, Ira Lathrop
slammed into the seat his entiro hand
baggage, one ancient and rusty valise.
The porter gazed upon him with in?
creased depression. Tho passenger
list had opened inauspiciously with
two of the worst types of travelers
the Anglo-Saxon race has developed.
But their anger was not their worst
trait in the porter's eyes. He was, in
a limited way, an expert in human
When you meet a stranger you re?
veal your own character In what you
ask about his. With some, the Hrst
question is, "Who are his people?"
With others, "What has he achieved?"
With others. "How much is he worth?"
Each gauges bis cordiality according
to his estimate.
Tim porter was not curious on any
of these points. He showed a demo?
cratic Indifference to them. His one
vital Inquiry was:
"How much will be tip?"
His inspection of his first two
charges promised small returns. He
buttoned Up his cordiality, and de?
termined to waste upon them the Ir?
reducible minimum of attention
It would take at least B bridal
couple to retsore the balance. Put
bridal couples in their tl ist bloom
rarely fell to the lot of that porter, for
what bridal couple wants to lock it
hclf In With a crowd Of passengers for
the first seventy two hours of wedded
The porter banished tho hope as a
vanity. Little ho knew how eagerly
the young castaways from that
wrecked taxlcab desired to be a bridal
couple, and to catch this train
But the Englishman was restive
"Pawtah! I tay, paw tab 1"
"What time are we duo In San Fran?
"San Francisco? San Francisco 1
We are doo that) the even in' of the
fo'th day. This beln' Monday, that
ought to bring uh in ahote Thiisaday
Th^ Yankee fett called u]>on to
check the foreign usurper.
"Don't let that fellow monopolize
you. He probably won't tip you at
The porter grew confidential:
"Oh, I know his kind, sah. They
don't tip you for what you do do, but
they're ready letter writers to the
SooperinU-ndent for what you don't
"Pawtab! I say, pawtah!"
The porter tried to imitate the
Irish bird, and be in two places at
once. The American had a coin in
his hand. The porter caught the gleam
of It, and flitted thitber. The Yankee
"Don't forget that I'm on the train,
and when we get to 'Frisco there may
be something more."
The porter had the coin in his hand.
Its heft was light. He sighed: "I
The Englishman was craning his
head around owlishly to ask:
"I say, pawtah, does this train ever
"Well, it hasn't yet," and he mur?
mured to the Yankee, ' but I has
The Englishman's voice was queru
"I say, pawtah, open a window, will
you? The rir is ghastly, abso-ripping- i
lutely gLasi. ."
The Yankee growled:
"No wonder we ha<] the Revolution?
Then he took from his pocket an
envelope addressed to Ira Lathrop &
Co., and from the envelope he took a
contract, and studied it grimly. The
envelope bore a Chinese stamp.
The porter, as he struggled w ith an
obstinate window, wondered what
sort of passenger fate would send him
In Darkest Chicago.
The castaways rrom the wrecked
taxlcab hurried along the doleful
Street. Both of them knew their Chi?
cago, but this part of it was "hot their
They hailed a pedestrian, to ask
where the nearest street car lino
might be, and whither it might run.
He answered indistinctly from a dis?
creet distance, as he hastened away.
Perhaps he thought their question
merely a footpad's Introduction to a
sandbagging episode. In Chicago at
night one never knows.
"As near as I can make out what he
Faid, Marjorie," the lieutenant pon?
dered aloud, "we walk straight ahead 1
till we come to L'mptyump street,
and there we find a Harara car that
will take \ii to Bloptyblop avenue, i
never heard of any such streets, did
"Never," she panted, as she Jog
trotted alongside his military pace.
"Let's take the first car we meet, and
perhaps the conductor can put us off
at the street where the minister
"Perhaps." There was not much
confidence in that "perhaps."
When they reached the street-carred
street, they found two tracks, but
nothing occupying them, as far as
they could peer either way. A small
shopkeeper In a tiny shop proved to
be a delicatessen merchant so busily
selling foreign horrors to aliens, that
they learned nothing from him.
At length, In the tar-away, they
made out a headlight, and heard the
grind anil squeal of a car. Lieutenant
Mallory waited tor it. watch In hand.
He boosted Marjorlvs elbow aboard
and bombarded tbe conductor with
questions. Bui the conductor had no
m tie heard of their street than they
had Of his. Their agitation did not
disturb his stoic calm, but he invited
them to come along to the next cross
lug, where they could find another car
and more learned conductors; or,
what promised better, perhaps a cab.
He threw Marjorie into a panic by
ordering her to Jettison Snoozleums,
but the lieutenant bought his soul for
a small price, and overlooked the fact
that he did not ring tip their fares.
The voting couple squeezed into a
seat and talked anxiously in sharp
"Wouldn't it be terrible, Harry, if,
Just aB we got to the minister s, we
should find papa there ahead of us,
waiting to forbid the bands, or what?
ever it la? Wouldn't it be Just ter?
"Yes, it would, honey, but it
doesn't seem piobable. There are
thousands of ministers in Chicago.
He could never find ours. Fact is, i
doubt if we find him ourselves."
Her clutch tightened till he would
have winced. It he had not been a
"What do you mean, Harry?"
"Well, in the first place, honey, look
what time It is. Hardly more than
time to get the train, to say nothing
of hunting for that preacher and
standing up through a long rigma?
"Why, Harry Mallory, are you get?
ting ready to Jilt me?"
"Indeed I'm not?not for worlds,
honey, but I've got to get taat train,
"Couldn't you wait over one train?*
just one tiny Utile train?"
"My own, own honey love, you
know it's impossible! You must re
. member that I've already waited over
three trains whlie you tried to make
up your mind."
"And you must remember, darling,
that It's no easy matter for a girl to
decide to sneak away from home and
be married secretly, and go all the
way out to that hideous Manila with
no trousseau and no wedding pres?
ents and no anything."
"I know It isn't and I waited pa?
tiently while you got up the courage.
But now there are no more trains, i
shudder to think of this train being
late We're not due in San Fran?
cisco till Thursday evening, and my
transport sails at sunrise Friday morn?
ing. Oh, Lord, what if I should miss
that transport! What if I should!"
"What if we ?bould miss the min?
"It begins to look a great deal like
ITO BE CONTINUED)
There is no real need of anyone be?
ing troubled with constipation.
Chamberlain's Tablets will cause an
agreeable movement of the bowels
without any unpleasant effect. Give
them a trial. For sale by all dealers.
Scholar-hip and Entrance Examina
The examination for the award of
vacant scholarships in Winthrop Col?
lege and for the admission of new
students will be held at the County
Court House on Friday, July 5, at 9
a. m. Applicants must be not less
than fifteen years of age. Wien
scholarships are vacant after July 5
they will be awarded to those making
the highest average at this examina?
tion, provided they meet the condi?
tions governing the award. Appli?
cants for scholarships should write to
President Johnson before the exami?
nation for scholarship examinat.on
Scholarships are worth $100 and
free tuition. The next session will
open September IS. 1912. For further
information and catalogue, address
Pres. D. B. Johnson. Rock Hill. S. C.
it is now well known that not more
than one case of rheumatism in ten
requires any internal treatment What?
ever. All that is needed is a free ap?
plication of Chamberlain's Liniment
and massaging the parts at each ap?
plication. Try it and see how quick?
ly it will relieve the pain and sore?
ness. Bold by all dealers.
t I.I MSON AGRICULTURAL
Enrollment U\cr 800 ? Value of
property (Her a Million and a
Quarter?Ninety-four Teachers and
Agriculture. Agriculture and
Chemistry. Agriculture and Ani?
mal Industry. Chemistry. Mechanical
and Electrical Engineering, civil
Engineering, Textile Engineering,
?me year course in Agriculture.
Two year course In Textiles. Four
weeks Winter Course In Cotton Grad?
ing. Four weeks Winter Course for
<\ist per session of nine months
Including .'11 fees, heat, light, water.
board, laundry and the aecosaan
uniforms $133.50. Tuition $nu>o ad?
SCHOLARSHIP AXD ENTRAXCI
The College maintains 167 four
\c.ir Agricultural and Textile Schol?
arships ami "l one-year Agricultural
scholarships. Value of scholarships
$100 per session ami free tuition.
(Students who h.?\e attended
Clemson College or any other col?
lege or university, are m>t eligible for
iin scholarships unless there are no
other eligible sppllcants.)
scholarship ami l ntraneo Exami?
nation- will be lichl at the Count >
Court How* <?ii July 12th, i? A. M
\o\t sc?iott >|tpns
si ri i aim i: it ini3.
Write \T ONCE to W. If. RlgsT*.
President. Clemson College, s c.
for catalog, scholarship Hanks, etc.
if \<>u delay, you may be 'rowded