Newspaper Page Text
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A Mam of Fart.
Mr. Duknne Young Mr. Homewood
U about as smart a man a you'll And in
a day's journey.
Mr. Gaswell So?
"Yei, sir. He can give editors points
en how to run newspapers."
"Pooh! Every man in the city can do
"But ITomewood also knows how to
run a hotel and a railroad, and besides,
he can tie his own four-in-hand Bcarf."
A NEW GAME.
"Whatever is nil this noise about?"
"Oh, mother, such fuuj we've locked
Daddy up in the cupboard, and when he
Ijets a little angrier Iteggic is going Intp
the lion's den." Idler.
Not n Qunck.-
Tatlent (about leaving eminent physi
cian's office) Well, doctor, I will get
this prescription! rilled at once and
Eminent' Physician Ahem I Ten
dollars, please. u
"Eh? Do you require pay in ad
vancer "Certainly, sir. I'm not one of your
no cure no pay' quacW N. Y. Week
ly. A Cruel Thraai.
"Who Is the belle to-night?" Baked she
As they waltzed around the hall.
lie looked around the room to see
Now they neyer speak at all. .
N. Y. Journal.
. &f Ii PPUtoGT?u
--v -r4- 5
A VOICE FHOM COIIA.
"WELL. I WONDER WHAT I SHALL HAVE TO EXPECT NOWf
Merchant My experience is that
young men with college educations do
not muke good sulesmcn. In fnct, I pre
fer taking young men who have had no
aihnntages and training them up to my
Customer Of course. When the lat
ter come to you they have no fixed
ideas about weights and measures.
j A Dangerous Task.
Mrs. Gosling George, you once said
you would risk your life for me.
Gosling Well, dear?
Mrs. Gosling There's a great, horrid
mouse somewhere in theroom. Would
yon set ft trap for him ? N. Y. Truth.
Pertinent and Impertinent.
"Nctcr run in debt, my son," said
the old-fashioned father.
"Why in creation are you always tell
ing me to keep my credit good if I'm to
make no Use of It?" DetroitFreePrcss.
Bloomficld Spilllns is fond of Bay
ing that he is a self-made man.
Uclleileld That's queer. Everybody
fcliows that he Is a tailor-made dude.
Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegraph.
Critic Thut performance of yours
last night was rare.
Manager I can't agree with you. I
IfJIhink it was well done. Detroit Free
IIott She Pound Oat.
"Mr. Scorjel,'' said Kitty, addressing,
the caller, whom she suspected, ''how
much money did you have when you
went downtown this morning?"
"I think I hod just $28, little girl,"
replied Sir. Scorjel.
"And how much did you have when
you got back home?"
"I had $27."
"Then," rejoined Kitty, making n
mental calculation, "this present of
mine cost just a dollar!" Chicago
Why Dnby Got the Prise.
"And so my darling got the prtee at
the baby show. I knew he would. It
couldn't have been othcrw ise," said Mrs.
Youngma to one of tho old bachelor
"Yes, madam; we all agreed that your
baby was the least objectionable of the
lot," replied tho brute. Tit-Hits.
First Transient If you had got to go
into business what lino would you
Second Ditto I'd open an employ
ment agency. It would be so nice to be
getting other people to work without
having any temptation to do any your
self. Iloston Transcript.
An Ounce of Prevention.
Mrs. Nubbins Why do you employ
that darky to whitewash the hencoop?
You know he's the, most notorious
chicken thief :u the neighborhood.
Mr. Nubbins (a practical man) I
want him to see how poor and lean my
chickens nre. N. Y. Weekly.
Mnkinir an Averaire.
Freddie Mamma, do you think John
Ale is as good ns I am? ,
Mamma Johnnie is better. lie docs
everything I tell him to do. ,
Freddie (after a thoughtful pause)
Dut, -mamma, I often do things that yon
don't tell me to do. N. Y. Journal'.
The Young Wife I nm afraid George
was intoxicated last night.
.The Sympathizing Friend lie didn't
go to bed with his shoes on, did he?
"No; but he took them oil and tucked
them under his pillow." Indianapolis
The'Cooklnir School Veraton.
The queen ot hearts she made some tarts
AH on a summer's day;
The klne of hearts he ate the tarts
And quickly pasted away.
U A. W. Bulletin.
Cheap at the Price.
Neighbor's Pretty Daughter How
much Is this a yard?
Draper's Son (desperate "spoons" on
her) Only one kiss.
Neighbor's Pretty Dnughter If It's
so cheap I will take three yards, and
grandma will pay you. Dublin World.
A Dlt of Lace.
Tli but a light and fragile thing-,
This dainty little el ft I bring;
'TTras not designed to stem your grief.
Nor yet around your throat to cling.
Its uses are not plain to me,
I know not what Its name may be;
nut, still. It Is my firm belief,
'Twill be a queen's lace handkerchief t
Grogan Wimmln is moighty similar
in wan way.
Hognn Fwat's thot?
Grogan No matter how miny av
thlm you git acquainted wld, they're all
alike In beln' different from wan an
Loit A Point.
Historic are the instances of points
missed in the retelling of a good story.
Who has not heard of Charles Lamb's
"badly tired" wheel twisted into "badly
wearied" with a consequent loss of the
point? And here is one what was
overheard at one of tho little French
restaurants: One of the habitues of
the place had just returned with a
coat of tan that spoke even louder of
a glorious vacation than any words.
"I've been roaming around through
the upper parts of the state," he said,
and many quaint and curious things
have I seen. One of them was an old
inn, old as tho hills, I guess. Its name,
too, was particularly appropriate for a
hotel, 'Dew Drop Inn.' " HU hearers
commented on the aptness and later
in tho evening, when a stranger
joined the party, one of tho number
tried to tell about this hotel nnd could
not understand why the lato comer did
not see the aptness when ho told that
on tho (.ignboard were tho words:
"Please Walk In." N. Y. Herald.
Spring cleaning need not necessarily
be made the drudgery It is if properly
lone. Paints, floors, hard walls nnd
windows may all be cleaned withoit
rubbing, by wiping oer with strong
juds made of Ivory soap and hot, soft
water, then rinsed nnd dried. A room
thus cleaned will be fresh and sweet,
ivith no unpleasant odor of strong
soaps or cleaning fluids.
KMSSA R. PARKER.
hi i m mi
Little Ethel "I wonder why men like to
talk about their old school da)8?" Little
Johnny "I s'pose after tliey cet crowed
up they is always tryin' to luul out where
the teacher lives, k they can lick him."
We offer One Hundred Dollars Reward
lor any rase of Catarrh that can not be
:ured by Hall's Catarrh Cure.
F. J. Cheney & Co , Props., Toledo, 0.
We, the undersigned, -have' known F. J.
Cheney for the last 15 years, and believe
liim perfectly honorable in all business
;ionsactions and financially able to carry
)ut any obligation made by their firm.
Wist & Truax, Wholesale Druggists, To
Walding, Kinnan &, Man in, Wholesale
Druggists, Toledo, Ohio.
Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally,
icting directly upon the blood and mucous
itirfaccs of the system. Price 75c. per bot
tle. Sold by all Druggists. Testimonials
Hall's Family Pills are the but.
"WHiile Miss Fitz'was away, George took
her parrot." "Anything happen?' "I
lon't know; she keeps the parrot down cel
lar now, and the engagement is off." Life.
Milton Reizenstcin, a graduate student of
the Johns Hopkins University, ot Haiti
more, has prepared a monograph as a thesis
for a degree which he expects to receive
next June. He hn thni for hi anbjeet
the hUtory of the Jt. & U. It It from its in
ceptiou on the night of February 12th, 1827,
hen 23 of the leading buiineu men of llnltt
more met at the liQinepf Philip E. Thomas
nnd devued mums whereby the trade of
ltaltimorc with the W est could be restored
It At as at tin melting tlat the company at
organized vrhirh afterv e-i 'J built the I). & O
It. K. Mr llcuenstcia monograph takes
up the luitory of the r .-id from that night
until tracks vcre laid to Wheeling, W. a.,
in 1833. The 70th anniversary of the U. & O.
11. K. Co. v, as February 12th, 1807.
Probably the first thing every man re
solves when lie gets up in, the morning is
that he will go to bed earlier the next
night. Attliieon Globe.
As you chew tobaccojjfor pleasure, cse
Star, It ii not only the best, but the most
lastihg, and therefore the cheapest.
It is not difficult to make old people hap
py; show them some one 20 years older than
themselves who is still in good health. At
Fits stopped free and permanently cured.
No hts alter first day'n use of Dr.'Klino's
Great Nerve Restorer. Tree $2 trial bottle &
treatise. Dr. Kline, 033 Arch St., Phila., Pa.
"Were jou an eye witness to this affair?"
asdtcd the prosecutor. "I don't know what
you'd call a nigh witness, butlwarn'tmore'n
five rods away."
I could not get along without Pifo's Cure
for Consumption. It always cures. Mr.
E. C. Moulton, Nccdham, Mass., Oct. 22, '04.
"They pay people who live together get
to look alike.'' "Is that co? Well, just in
the interest of science, lit s try it. Chica
A cold sore nnd stiff. All right again.
St. Jacobs Oil did it cured.
Mamma-" Where's papa?" FIora-"IIc's
downstaiis." Mamma "What's he do
ing?" Flora "His bicycle is out of bread,
and he's giving it some more."
Just try n ,10c bqx of Cascarcts candy ca
If a man could only get as much for his
old family horse as his wife thinks the ani
mal is worth! Atchison Globe.
A cruel naln sciatica. Its euro ii We.
Use St. Jacobs Oil.
"Tommy, who wns Joan of Arc?" asked
the teacher. "Noah's wife," said Tommy,
who is considered great at guessing.
Cascarcts stimulate liver, kidnevs and
bowels. Never sicken, weaken or'gripe, 10c.
Opportunity makes short calls. When one
is out it leaves a card and moves on. N. Y.
Limp-and lame lame back. St. Jacobs
Oil cures it promptly, surely.
Men look for signs of spring out doors;
women look for them in dry goods stores.
When bilious or costive cat a Cnsearet,
candy cathartic, cure guaranteed. 10c, 25c.
Your friends may not know much, but
they know what they would do if they were
in your place. N. Y. Weekly.
Dull, gnawing pain neuralgia. Prompt,
southing cure St. Jacobs Oil.
Rest assured that if your misdeeds find
yeu out they will call cguiu. N. Y. Weekly.
301 DCS. CORN PER ACRE.
It's man clous how we progress!
You can make money nt 10 cents a
bushel when you get 2G4 bushels corn,
320 bushels oats, 173 bushels barley,
1,600 bushels potatoes per acre! Sal
?.cr's creations in farm seeds produce.
HO 00 WORTH FOR 10 CENTS!
Just Srsd Tins Notice and 10 Cents
to the John A. Salzer Seed Co., La
Crosse, Wis., and get 12 farm seed sam
ples, w orth S10.00, to get n start, k
The baby said (and gave that yell
Which makes his father scowl),
"I may not be a howiing swell,
But 'I'm a swelling bowl."
Reforms Need More Than a Day
To bring them about, and are alwajs more
complete and lasting when they proceed
with steady regularity to a consummation.
Few of the observant among us can have
failed to notice that permanently healthful
changes in the human system are not
wrought by abrupt and violent means, and
that those arc the most salutary medicines
which are progressive. Hostettcr's Stom
ach flitters is the chief of these. Dyspepsia,
a disease of obstinate character, is obliter
ated by it.
There are some women who arc reminded
that they arc superior creatures every time
a man takes off his list to them. Atchison
Doubled up and bent with pain Lumba
go. Use St. Jacobs Oil and straighten up.
He "I loveyoubcltcrthanmylife." She .
"Considering the life you lead, I cannot tay
that 1 am surprised. Indianapolis Jour
nul. The ordinary schoolboy doesn't think,
and is much healthier, F. F, Montrcssor.
nent in tne eiecttic lignt.
Similar and no lest striking has been the evolution of grain and
grass cutting machinery. In I83i the scythe and the cradle were superseded by
the McCormick Reaper. The intervening years have seen many improvements,
until now we have that model Harvester and Binder, the McCormick Right
Hand Open Elevator, and that veritable electric light of mowerdom, the
New 4. It b net only the handsomest mower ever built, but it is, in every
sense of the word, the best and if ycur experience has taught you anything,
it is that there's nothing cheaper than the best
McCormick Harvesting Madiiae Company, Chicago.
The LlRht.RunnlnK McCormick Open Elevator Harvester,
The Light-Running McCormiclc New 4 Steel Mower,
The LiKht-Running McCormick Vertical Corn Cinder and
The Light-Running .McvormicK Dauy Keaper (or sale everywhere.
Established in 1
Has the well-known
package, and the trade-mark, "La Belle Chocolatiere," !
on the back.
Walter Boker &
WWWWWItH M'WWMM t
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25 50 I I III
USUIiUTUiI liUAKAHlKW ffaS5Ka.SZS3ff :
pit snd booklet frtr. ill. STKHMNO DEXEDI
Ln nitwi.nr ,m
ft tf r I
fr urn. wuat uu yuu uo wiui 11, oesiaes tne
TSJ ordinary washing and cleaning? There's
3i- a long list
Knowoi t -
guirs wwKif in n&riiisr
I Bert Umnh 8rap. TGood. Cm!
i-ninwfc noia nTcrviBnnB.
Bert Umnh 8rap. Tk0xx1. &
B In tin DoldhTiiraariiu.
it the col,
hey are over
thought little of the
matter at the t
for the enemy
only a vagrant
waste matter out o
the body they are
damming it up fa.
the blood. Every
heart beat adds tor
the pokon in you.
of the kidney
will purify tM
rent of air. But
now you are begin
ning to learn wl
intruder dkL for
your back U stiff and
painful. Your head
ach,and at times
you feci dtay.
Is the friend la need. It wlllreducethelnnsw
mitlon.so that the grip on the tissues ol tho
blood-vessels Is relaxed, and the uric odd !
sent on Its way out ot tne Doay.
Urra bottU, oi b MyU, imtlkr m .1 your lfK(Ms.
The pine knot the tallow
candle the oil lamp gas
these are stages in the evo
lution of illumination, which
today finds its highest expo
Walter Baker & Co. Ltd., : !
780, at Dorchester Mass. ;
Yellow Label on the front of every "
Co. Ltd., Dorchester, Mass.
M mtUfftH H HH-H-H
- JI.JIIL1iU:B ALL
CO., Chletro, Montreal. Css., orlSew lorfc.
.i w . . ." . . T
To Pearline Users Only.
You have confidence in Pearline. Yon
must have, or you wouldn't be using it
ol things in whtch Pearline
be helping vou. Whv isn't it
For every purpose for whicht
use soap and water, Pearline:
You ought to be ready enough;
that, with what you must:
YUCATAN. KING OF GUMS.
A. N. K.-D
WHEX WR1TINOTO AUVEOTlaKKS PLKACK.
mm. that 7u m tlw Adr.itlMBrit In tbla
. J Js
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